Learn to Fly
Summary: Five times 'Peeta' was Katniss' Guardian Angel
AU. "They say an angel gets its wings when they accomplish a good deed of great magnitude." "But what about you? Will you get your wings back, Peeta?" "Nope, not me. I'm stuck here with you." Implied K/G but very much K/P.
Genre: Romance/Drama
Chapter Length: 8,718 words
Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with any religion and have taken artistic liberty with the interpretation of angels and any higher beings of the sort. Don't kill me.
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Thanks to everyone who reviewed, subscribed to and added this story to their favorites! I really appreciate it.
On to the next chapter!
Chapter 2: Letting Go
Peter had stood watch over Katniss the entire night, and as interesting as the child was, there was little to behold as she slept, and it bored him immensely. He knew sleep was a necessity for mortals; it was a dormant state of being which allowed their bodies to regenerate and recuperate lost strength. Peter had found that part of the mortal metabolism wasteful and inefficient. Once, in the past, Peter had wondered out loud why his father hadn't just made it so they could recuperate while actively working and his father returned his inquiry with a laugh. It didn't make sense to him, but he rather regretted that things weren't as simple for him right now.
If it were as simple as closing your eyes and ceasing to be aware of your surroundings to regain strength, Peter would have done it in a figurative heartbeat if it meant the return of his strength and any possibility of returning home, no matter how ridiculous the notion was. But he could not. Even as he closed his now flawed and limited eyes, it was impossible not to sense other things around him. He wondered if his senses were any better than a human's right now or if he was just much too aware of his surroundings – the loud breaths the child beside him was taking, the creaking of the orphanage's old foundation, the slight breeze that made the leaves dance by their petioles – and those were but sounds. He wouldn't get started on how everything in the orphanage smelled.
Either way, he was doomed to a restless, sleepless existence. He had dealt with it for eons, but the slow passing of time for three mortal years made it almost unbearable. But as he watched the child beside him smile in her slumber, he wondered if sleep could somehow seem enjoyable for the mortals and so Peter contemplated the possibilities to pass the time. He decided he'd make it a game to find out.
It was the morning after Katniss' traumatic fall that the woman who had spotted and treated her free of charge had returned. She was a kind woman, patient and tender, as she treated Katniss' wounds and ran cognitive tests to ensure that Katniss had sustained no lasting trauma to the head.
The woman tried her best to make conversation as she did so, asking her what her name was, despite already knowing. She told Katniss about her home and her job as a nurse, and how when she was a child, she wasn't very talkative either.
All the while as she was doing so, Katniss stole glances at Peter, making sure he was there, watching over her. She kicked her feet and smiled widely when Peter had made a particularly funny face, only to hide it abruptly when the woman looked up from her activities to see what the cause of her amusement had been.
The woman seemed to have noticed the frequent glances Katniss was taking at an empty corner of the room, and was well aware that the child was paying little attention to her, but she made no move to question the child and instead smiled at her as she replaced the last of the bandages Katniss was made to wear, lest infection get the best of her. Peter had to hand it to her; she was more patient that most of the adults in the orphanage combined.
As she got up and packed her things, she continued with her one-sided conversation. She smiled when Katniss had allowed her to do her braid and Peter watched, intrigued at this woman's persistence. Once she had fitted a green ribbon to the end of the child's hair, she bid Katniss farewell, ensuring her that the scolding she had gotten from the directors of the orphanage for climbing up a tree and getting herself injured was very much unwarranted.
While nothing else she had said seemed to have the desired effect, the last statement had caught Katniss' attention, knowing that this woman wasn't mad at her like the other adults were, and Peter had noticed.
"You're very brave, you know." That was what the woman had said, giving Katniss an affectionate pat.
The woman had called Katniss brave. Peter mulled over the term. It wasn't exactly what he would use to describe Katniss when she had climbed up the tree. She had in fact done it after running away from some exceptionally mean children; it was more out of cowardice than anything. But of course, this woman knew none of the happenings before the event, and even then, Peter did not have it in him to judge the child for her retreat. She was so badly hurt by the children's words, after all. But as he thought more about it, climbing up a height as lofty as where he had found Katniss was quite a feat indeed, even for an adult. From a different perspective, it was certainly something to be commended for, and he wondered why he hadn't done so earlier.
The woman continued when Katniss didn't reply. "You remind me so much of my husband." She laughed and she was pleasantly surprised when Katniss returned it with a small smile. "He has a knack for climbing trees too, you know? It's probably why we ended up living so near a forest."
"You live near a forest?" Katniss blurted out unexpectedly, surprising the woman. Katniss covered her mouth almost immediately after, seemingly surprised with the outburst as well. Peter let out a bitter laugh. To think he had thought himself special for being the only one the child talked to, only for her to talk to a random stranger only a day after.
After recovering from her initial surprise, the woman just smiled and walked over to the girl, kneeling in front of her and cupping her face tenderly. "Would you like to come see?"
That was how it had started. While most prospective parents had chosen to spend time with the children at the orphanage grounds itself, the woman who called herself Deborah took Katniss to their home regularly with supervision. It was odd for her to do so. Most parents would just point at a child and take them away. Peter had noticed that Deborah, for some reason, wanted to be absolutely sure that Katniss was comfortable with the idea with spending time with her family. Peter scoffed at her insecurity. What orphan wouldn't want to be adopted? He thought to himself. Mortals had it bad enough living through the harsh conditions Earth subjected them to, but growing up alone? He couldn't even imagine for himself despite knowing that it was a common occurrence where mortals were concerned.
He was at least glad that Katniss seemed to be enjoying herself, opening up more as the inevitable approached. Mornings she would spend talking with him about how excited she was for the afternoon when she would get to meet Deborah again, and evenings she would spend telling him about her day despite knowing full well that he was there to witness it all with her. Some days it would annoy him dreadfully, but others he found himself legitimately enjoying as he watched the little girl play in the field Deborah's home included.
It was late in the afternoon one June day that Deborah had finally asked Katniss if she wanted to live with them, and if she wanted to be her daughter, to which Katniss readily agreed.
He never did get to ask her about sleep.
It had been two years since Deborah and Joseph Everdeen had adopted Katniss. They enjoyed the child immensely and Katniss grew comfortable with the couple as they built the foundations of a family.
It was when Katniss told them about her invisible friend, however, that those foundations were challenged.
It had started when Katniss had shifted from homeschooling to regular schooling, Deborah and Joseph finally being confident enough that Katniss wouldn't just shut herself out and avoid talking to people when they weren't around to initiate conversation.
They were right of course. Katniss was a very sociable child and made friends easily. The teachers took a particular liking to her especially after how keenly she took to class work and recitation. Peter liked to think that he was the cause for her budding popularity, feeding her answers and teaching her things even her own instructors did not know. Whether her friends at school knew it or not, Katniss told him time and time again that she enjoyed his company the most and he was proud of that.
Everything was perfect until one day, one of Katniss' friends had decided, albeit unintentionally, to question Katniss as to why there was an extra setting of play utensils at their tea party every day. Katniss furrowed her brows. She was aware that only she could see Peter, but it annoyed her to be questioned for it. Peter glanced at the child who was now clenching a tiny teacup in her hand tightly. "It's for my friend." She said simply. "His name is Peeta."
Everything would have been fine if the little girl had accepted the explanation and played along, but instead, she stated what was obvious to any child their age. "There's nobody there, silly."
This set Katniss off. "Of course there is!" Katniss returned, slamming her cup onto the table. "It's not my fault you can't see him! Right Peeta?" She turned to him suddenly. The children just watched her in wonder as she addressed the empty seat.
"Katniss, it's fine." Peter tried to assure her, but she was having none of it.
"He's an angel!" She explained further. "That's why you can't see him."
"Well then, why can you see him and we can't?" The girl continued, this time her intentions not as innocent as they were before.
That was an excellent question. Even Peter didn't know the answer for that one, and Katniss was left speechless and on the verge of tears.
"See, everybody? Katniss is a liar!" She pointed at Katniss, calling the attention of the other children. "And lying is bad."
Peter felt sorry for the poor child, not being able to affirm her integrity. If he had once been proud of his invisibility allowing him to help Katniss out, he cursed it now for being unable to because of it.
When he couldn't come to her defense outright, one little Delly Cartwright came to Katniss' defense in his stead. "It's okay, Katniss. I don't mind if your imaginary friend sits with us." She smiled sweetly.
Peter's eyes widened. She did not just say that.
He knew Katniss all too well to know that what would've been a comforting statement to most children would be considered an insult to the stubborn child he had been stuck with for years, and instead of appeasing Katniss, it backfired horribly.
In seconds, Katniss was on top of the poor girl, pulling her hair after pushing her off of her seat.
"He's not imaginary!" She repeated over and over as children gathered around to see what was happening. "He's real!"
Poor Delly was in tears, not knowing what Katniss was angry about. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." She pleaded, not actually knowing what she was sorry for. Peter ran for Katniss, about to pull her off when her teacher had entered the room and defeated any of his plans to contain Katniss. It wouldn't look right for Katniss to suddenly float away from the girl, so instead, Peter entreated for Katniss to let the girl be, assuring her he was fine, and he didn't mind being called imaginary. Though he had to admit to himself that he did mind – quite a bit.
But that too had backfired, because as the teacher approached the two girls to stop the fight, Katniss shouting "It's not fine!" into thin air was not very reassuring.
In the end, Katniss was forced to transfer schools and receive counseling, something that was apparently unusual for a child so young. Being the kind couple that the Everdeens were, they naturally blamed everything on themselves, recounting to the counselor the countless times they had noticed Katniss' distraction and unusual behavior.
It only made Katniss more disappointed that they didn't believe her either.
The first counseling sessions were terrible. The man in charge of Katniss spoke in a monotone voice and didn't seem concerned about her well being at all. It was all Peter could do to stand beside her as she sat on the seat that was much too large for her, holding her hand and comforting her after being told numerous times that he did not exist and was but a figment of her imagination.
"This Peeta you see isn't real."
"He's real."
"What is he doing now?
"He's holding my hand. Telling me how much of a prick you are."
"Why don't you ask him if we can have a little privacy? Just you and me?"
"He's not going anywhere, and you're still a prick."
The man returned to her parents with findings of an unusually foul mouth for a five-year-old, mental instability, disillusionment and difficulty differentiating fantasy from reality.
It hurt him as much as it hurt her.
At night he would hold the little girl in his arms, comforting her as she cried.
"He keeps telling me to make you go away." She clutched on to him tightly as he did the same. "Don't go away Peeta."
"Don't worry, don't worry, little one. I'm not going anywhere. I can't, remember? Even if I tried." He laughed to himself, trying to assure her, but she just held on tighter to him.
Peter unfurled his wings and let them curtain the girl around his form. This was something he had found himself doing when Katniss felt bouts of sadness from being teased back in the orphanage when Deborah had yet to propose adoption to Katniss. He had long stopped the habit when Katniss was finally happy in her new home and sometimes he'd wish she would just need him more these days. He hadn't thought his wish would come true in the most painful way possible for Katniss. He suddenly thought not being needed was monumentally better than causing Katniss so much grief.
The large wings acted as a barrier between Katniss and the rest of the world and she felt safe in this small haven he had come to provide for her. "You'll stay, won't you?" She yawned as her eyes batted their last few blinks before slumber overtook her
"I won't leave." He assured her, just soon enough for her to hear. "I'll always be here. I'll always be your Peeta. I promise."
When the Everdeens found that instead of progressing, Katniss was keeping to herself more, coming home crying more than anything, they were appalled. They withdrew her from counseling at that particular clinic and took her somewhere else. Peter wondered if that would make a difference.
And so here he was, sitting on the ground between an empty chair and Katniss as she explained to her counselor why her 'imaginary friend' couldn't sit on things. Peter read the name engraved on a plate on his table. 'Cinna Richardson'.
The counselor seemed to have no qualms about her insistence and explanation and asked her if her friend was comfortable on the floor. Katniss furrowed her brows, turning to Peter. "Are you?"
Peter smiled at her and nodded, giving her tiny hand a squeeze. Cinna didn't take an eye off her as she did so. "He's fine." She told Cinna before scrutinizing the man with her young eyes. Peter shuddered a little as she did so, wondering how such a young child could be so guarded and untrusting.
"That's nice." Cinna turned down to a journal he held and wrote something down. Peter wished he could see what it was, but Katniss held him in his place.
"You don't believe me, either." Katniss said, more of a statement than a question and Cinna looked up from what he was jotting down.
"I'll be honest with you Katniss." He said in a soft sincere voice. "I don't." He paused, gauging her reaction. "But that's because I'm an adult, and I have to see things to believe them."
Katniss nodded. "But Peeta can't be seen."
"No, he can't." Cinna continued. "But there are other ways of showing people instead of insisting, aren't there, Katniss?" He smiled.
Peter was surprised at the man who actually humored the child. He knew a lot about seeing and believing, and he had to admit that in any other adult's place, he would have never believed Katniss either. But the undertone of Cinna's voice told him it wasn't about Katniss convincing people that her 'Peeta' was real. It was finding a way for her properly vent her feelings out without hurting anybody, even herself. This Cinna, Peter decided, was a wise mortal.
Peter stood all of the sudden as Cinna approached the girl.
"I'm not here to tell you he doesn't exist, if that's what you're worried about." He gave the girl a piece of paper and a pencil. "But you can still try to convince me that he does." Katniss stared at the items she had been given. "What does he look like?" Cinna asked her.
Katniss looked determined to convince Cinna of his existence. "I'm gonna need more colors."
Katniss was now sitting on a table, irritated and grumpy as she threw what looked to be her twelfth piece of paper into the garbage as she began anew. Cinna watched the child from his desk. They had been at it for three hours.
"Katniss, what's wrong?" Peter asked her worriedly as she scribbled furiously, dulling the tips of multiple crayons.
"I can't do it Peeta!" She told him. Her face was tragic and defeated. "They all just look like stupid scribbles. I can't draw how you look at all." Her little grey eyes were brimming with tears.
"The drawing doesn't have to be perfect, little one." He tried to convince her as he gave her a pat on the head. "It can be a vague as the first time you drew me on the sand that day we first spoke to each other." He smiled at the memory. It was the day he had found out his eyes were blue.
"But it has to be perfect, Peeta!" She insisted. "You're perfect." She threw a crayon to the ground. "The blue isn't right, and I keep getting your hair wrong, and I don't even know how to draw wings." She was thoroughly frustrated now as she clenched her stubby fists tightly.
Peter just swallowed as his eyes furrowed at all the drawings she had thrown away. Things would be so much easier if he had a reflection. Then he could see himself and draw himself for her. "Describe me." He said all of a sudden, as she positioned himself beside the girl, taking her dominant hand in his. "Tell me what I look like, I'll try to help." Peter motioned her hand to take a crayon. "Let's start with my face."
He moved to take a flesh-tone one in her hands when she resisted. "No, your face isn't that color." That surprised him yet again. He had assumed, that like many of the mortals he had seen, that his skin was the same. "It's paler, and brighter. The color isn't here." She said lamely.
Peter thought for awhile before proceeding with letting her choose the crayon. "We'll have to make do with this though. We'll do our best, shall we?" He gave her a sincere smile as he guided her hand to the paper. "Now tell me clearly how I look to you."
After an hour of meticulous bickering on Katniss' part, they had finally come up with a rough sketch of his face and part of his wings. Peter stared at the drawing as if staring at his reflection for the first time. This was how he looked to the girl, albeit some colors here and there unsatisfactory to the child. But Katniss had confirmed herself that he had gotten the lines drawn perfectly as he guided her unskilled hand with his. Peter had experience creating mortals with the supervision of his father, but never in his entire being had he been able to create something as beautiful as what he had just drawn with this girl. It would be vain on his part to admit that he found himself beautiful, but that was all there was to say as he stared fixated at the drawing, running his hand through his own face to connect its three-dimensional planes to the two-dimensional ones of the picture.
His eyes were blue, Katniss had told him before, but she had told them they were a different kind of blue. So his eyes were by far the hardest to complete, alternating from different shades and different pressures of the crayon in her hand. Katniss had told him this was as close as they were going to get, but that his eyes were infinitely better. And his skin – Katniss had told him to make look as if he were glowing, and he tried his best. He certainly was brilliant in the picture. And his hair – as gold as a field of corn ripe for picking but with a sheen that even gold would envy.
His wings were just as he himself had perceived, and he frowned at their lackluster appearance, but this confirmed it – He had to admit, Katniss had a knack for describing things.
And so, Katniss handed the picture to Cinna, forcing a smile on her face. "I tried my best, and he helped, but this was all we could do." And then she ran for the door to her parents.
Peter lingered in the room as he watched Cinna stared in awe at the picture, very much as Peter had done not long ago. It was far better than what any skilled artist could muster up, let alone what he expected a five-year-old child could. He scuffled out of his seat and began digging through the garbage can where Katniss had thrown her other drawings, straightening some of them out and comparing them with the picture in his hands now. They were incomparable.
Peter smiled to himself as he saw a visible shudder run through Cinna's spine. "Seeing is believing, eh, mortal?"
Cinna asked for Katniss to return twice a week for two months before he gave her parents his final assessment, and so it went.
Every day, Cinna would ask Katniss questions about her 'Peeta', some of the answers to them, she didn't know, and when those questions popped up, Peter was glad to be of help answering them. Katniss found these quite enjoyable, as she finally had someone to share with just how much she adored the angel beside her, even though Cinna still probably didn't believe her.
Peter found himself enjoying as well and he found that he had revealed much more to this little girl as she got to know him better with Cinna as a mediator. He was much better than the last counselor that Katniss had gone to. Peter would almost thank the Cinna, if he didn't completely doubt his existence.
Katniss told Cinna how Peter was an angel, and was bound to her exclusively on this Earth. She told him how she could see him ever since she could remember. She told him about that day at the orphanage when she fell from a tree and Peter had broken her fall. She described his wings, and through Peter, she described to the man his old home.
I was like a long-running fairytale to the man, and even if Katniss wasn't telling the truth, he would at least have the pleasure of telling her parents that she had a very vivid imagination.
Cinna jotted notes down non-stop, until a question stopped Katniss and Peter in their tracks. "Can you ask Peeta why he's here, specifically, with you?"
Katniss turned to Peter when he didn't immediately answer as he had done for so many of the other questions the man asked. "I-I. I don't know why I'm here."
"He doesn't know." She repeated lamely.
"But I want to protect you, little one. And that is why I stay." He explained, not wanting to hurt her in anyway. Her presence was a comfort to him just as much as he was to her.
"He protects me." She added, smiling after hearing his words.
Cinna frowned. "Protects you from what?"
"Those children." Peter answered, semblances of anger boiling inside him at the memory of that day.
"People who hurt me, people who call me names. They're bad people." She answered on her own accord, remembering that day and many days that followed and preceded.
"Are those people still here now?" He asked as he wrote things down.
Peter was getting more annoyed at the man who sat so calmly jotting things down on that notebook of his.
"No." She answered.
"They might come back and hurt you again, little one. I shan't leave." Peter actually found himself saying the words unexpectedly, enraged that Katniss hadn't considered the danger.
"But everyone is so nice to me now." She spoke up, catching Cinna's attention when really she was addressing Peter.
Cinna cut her off before she could say anything else to her imaginary friend. "Do you still need Peeta?"
The question was like a jab into Peter's heart, his earlier insecurities of not being needed hitting much too close to home.
Katniss took awhile to answer, and Peter feared for the worst. What if she didn't need him anymore? Would he leave? He had grown attached to the little girl after all these years and he couldn't imagine going back to a time when he couldn't openly make conversation with her. Even if she didn't need him, he was going to stay, he decided. Even if it was more for himself than for her.
"I don't want him to leave." She answered, and Cinna noted that she hadn't actually answered his question, but Peter was content at that. He wouldn't leave. He would stay. Not because Katniss needed him to, but because she wanted him to.
"Okay." was all Cinna said before dismissing the girl and calling her parents in.
Katniss made her way to the door while Peter followed.
"Little one." He whispered, although he didn't actually know why he needed to. It wasn't like anybody could hear him, but it felt appropriate. "Don't look up, he'll know you're talking to me." Katniss just nodes slightly as she listened. "Would you mind if I stayed to hear what he says?" He asked. He was sincerely curious as to what Cinna had up his sleeve. "Don't worry, I'll be right back by your side. I won't leave you."
Katniss gulped as she nodded slightly before walking out the door, and leaning against it, allowing Peter to stay in the room as her parents entered.
"We're making progress." Cinna told her parents with a small smile. Her parents returned with relieved smiles of their own as Cinna continued. "I had initially planned for Katniss to try to prove his existence and come to her own conclusion that he didn't." Cinna explained.
So that was why he had asked her to draw him, only to have it backfire.
"But then I had to change my methods." He continued. "Katniss is a very special child."
Deborah's eyes widened. "So you're saying you believe that she has a little angel friend?"
Peter's brows furrowed. He was not little. All Cinna had to do was show them the picture and they'd be convinced of his existence as well. But he didn't do that.
"I can't say that I do." Cinna started, "But I can't say that I don't either."
This confused Peter just as much as it did the Everdeens.
"Even if her friend isn't real to us, Katniss is convinced that he is to herself – so much so that to her, it is reality. There is little I can do about that, even with medication." Peter scoffed at his words. So he hadn't believed her after all. So much for 'seeing is believing'.
"So what, Katniss has to end up living her entire life thinking that there's a random person trailing around her everywhere she goes? How will she live? How will people see her? She won't be able to live a normal life at all!" Joseph appealed to Cinna, concerned for his daughter.
The words had struck a chord with Peter. Was he depriving Katniss of a normal life by staying with her?
"I completely understand, Mr. Everdeen." Cinna assured him. "Katniss won't be able to establish normal relationships with people as long as this is so, but I don't think convincing her he isn't real is the solution."
This settled Joseph down. "So what now?"
"A lot of times, children make up imaginary friends because there is a certain need in their lives that they require to be filled." He started, reading from notes on that notebook that Peter despised. "In Katniss' case, I assume the need rose up after her being bullied in the orphanage."
A sob escaped Deborah's lips. She was crying, most likely blaming herself once again, but Cinna continued.
"Most children, after that particular need passes and is addressed, will come to their own conclusions about it and settle their insecurities themselves, removing the need for their 'friend' entirely." Peter didn't like how Cinna used the word 'friend' as if he wasn't real. He was real, and there was no way Cinna would make him leave, even if Katniss didn't need him anymore. "My goal now it to allow Katniss to see for herself that she doesn't need this 'Peeta' anymore – that she is safe, and that she has the ability to deal with her fears by herself, alleviating the need for her 'Peeta'."
"Will this work?" Deborah asked a she dabbed her tears with a handkerchief.
"We'll see. We're making progress after all." He smiled.
Peter wanted to bludgeon the man. Forget thanking him. He would leave when Katniss didn't want him anymore, and the possibility of that happening was thin, and even then, he would stay by her side. 'As what?' his mind asked him. "As her guardian." He answered himself.
When the Everdeens exited, Peter went along with them, falling into his place next to Katniss as he took her little hand in his. Most of the time, Peter would avoid holding Katniss' hands when people were around to avoid drawing attention to the girl whose arm was raised as if it were clasping nothingness. But today, he was possessive of Katniss, and would not let her go. Deborah looked concernedly at Cinna as he shook his head.
The adults continued their conversation outside of the clinic at the parking lot with the Everdeens concernedly asking Cinna about their latest predicament.
They were having a baby.
Peter's eyes widened before he looked to Katniss. She didn't seem to notice the conversation as she stared at some children playing at the playground across the street.
The wind blew strong that day, causing fallen leaves to stir and hanging signs to sway noisily and it was hard to actually make out the rest of the Everdeen's conversation.
They were concerned at how Katniss would take to the new child, knowing full well that she was adopted and that this child was purely their own. Cinna assured them it was a good thing, and it would distract her from her imaginary friend.
Peter hoped it wouldn't, but he didn't have time for much else as the slight noise of something unhinging caught his attention. He looked up to see that he and Katniss were standing directly under the clinic's sign – the large sign that had been blown furiously against the wind and was now plummeting toward them.
He reacted as fast as he could, not caring if people saw the girl being pushed by nothing away from danger, and that's what he did. As the sign came crashing down, Peter pushed her away, the sign going completely through his intangible form in her place.
The adults rushed quickly to Katniss' side, eyes wide at what had just happened.
"Peeta!" Katniss screamed. The Everdeens wasted no time paying any heed to the child's concerns and instead tended to her, embracing her tightly. Peter was glad they hadn't noticed Katniss being pushed by an invisible force. Peter stood up, silently ensuring Katniss he was fine as he reminded her that things of this world could not touch him. He laughed when she just nodded, relieved, and continued to allow her parents to cover her in words of concern.
"Thank God, you're okay." Her mother embraced her tightly.
Peter laughed, he wasn't exactly god, but he accepted the thanks anyway. His laughter stopped when he saw Cinna scrutinizing the pile of broken fiberglass and metal that was once their sign and back at what he saw as the empty space where Peter stood.
"Peeta saved me mom." Katniss said happily, returning the embrace.
"Of course he did, honey. Of course he did. Whatever would we do without him?" Deborah's tone wasn't entirely convinced, but she was just relieved her Katniss was safe.
Cinna's brows were furrowed and frantic as if trying to focus themselves on anything in that empty space of hair. He couldn't see anything.
Had he seen Peter push Katniss away from the falling debris? Peter didn't want to know.
Katniss' next session with Cinna was an unusual one.
"No questions today?" She asked innocently, swinging her legs back and forth.
Cinna just frowned into clasped hands, not staring at Katniss, but rather the empty space beside her. Just a few inches to the left, Peter thought, and Cinna would be staring directly into his eyes. "No, no questions."
So Katniss sat uncomfortably for a good thirty minutes before Cinna finally spoke up.
"Katniss?" He asked, somewhat unsure of how he would put what he was about to say. "This is an odd request, but would you allow me to talk to Peeta alone?"
Katniss' eyes just widened before turning to Peter, asking with just the expression of her eyes if Peter would allow it.
He furrowed his brows in response, not knowing what this man was planning. How did he intend on having a conversation if the only medium between them wasn't even in the room?
"I would just like to say a few things to him, if you don't mind." Cinna continued.
Katniss pulled on Peter's hand, as if seeking his permission. Peter nodded.
"Okay." Katniss replied uncertainly a she exited the room, leaving it perceivably empty. "Take care, okay Peeta?"
Peter stood now, face to face with Cinna's unfocused eyes.
"This is ridiculous – me talking to thin air." Cinna laughed at himself as he started, running a hand through his hair, surprised with himself at what he was doing. "Not to offend you or anything, but that's what I see."
Peter snorted, not even bothering to answer. It was ridiculous, watching this man talking to a spot that wasn't even where Peter was standing.
"I can't see you, but I saw what happened yesterday."
Peter had thought just as much.
"It was hard to believe at first. I had tried to convince myself that my mind was playing tricks on me." Cinna paced around the room nervously. "But Katniss was standing right under that sign. Then only milliseconds after, she drifted through the air and landed a good meter or two away from it. Katniss couldn't have gone that far on her own, and she wasn't even looking at the sign. It's not possible for her to have come out of that unscathed."
Of course it wasn't. Peter had been the one who had caught sight of the falling sign just in time to push Katniss out of the way. He said he would protect her, and that was what he did.
"And then I looked at her drawing again." He took out the piece of paper. "This is you, isn't it?" He asked. "It's far too real for it not to be."
Peter sighed. What was this man even doing? What did he hope to achieve by addressing someone he didn't even believe existed just days before.
"I saw her little outburst of conversation with you, frustrated with colors and shapes and her unsteady hands. She seemed genuinely disappointed in her inability to draw you, and at first I had thought it was because there was no you." He paused.
"But then I saw this. And it was so unlike any of her previous drawings. I checked."
Yes, and Peter had checked him, checking them. "Move on, already, mortal." He found himself saying, but of course, he wasn't heard.
"You helped her draw this. That must be why."
'It was, now hurry up and get on with it.'
"If Katniss were here, she'd be telling me 'I told you so.'" He laughed. "But I needed to talk to you without her, despite not knowing if you're even here or listening to me."
Peter was there, and regrettably, he was listening. He had actually wanted the man to say sorry for not believing, or at least thank him on Katniss' behalf on the save. The dialogue, or rather monologue Cinna was having with himself was starting to get old, but his next words surprised Peter.
"You need to let the girl go."
Peter hadn't expected him to say that.
"In most movies I've seen, people usually approach these things with exorcism or voodoo or crap like that." Cinna continued. It would have made Peter laugh, him bringing up all the rather stupid practices humans did to make themselves feel safe, but he was not a demon and he would never hurt Katniss. So instead, he crossed his arms, waiting for Cinna to make his next point. He had no right to tell her to leave. "But it's obvious you're not one of those." At least he knew. "You obviously care for the child. Why else would you save her?"
He did. He did care for the child, and that was the reason he was staying.
"But you still need to let her go."
Peter wished nothing more right now than to actually be able to speak to the man, or at least club him into realizing that he was never going to leave the child. He had promised her.
"I don't know if you agree or not." Peter didn't. "And if I were you, I'd take some convincing as well. Katniss is not someone I would give up easily either if I were in your place."
"So convince me, mortal." was all Peter said.
"Katniss is a child, and your presence might not affect her relationships with children much right now, but as she grows, it'll just become much more difficult for her to cope. As twisted as this society may be to you, its opinions and standards will have a hard time accepting her and at the same time she'll have a harder time developing her own opinions if she has to deal with you in addition to the trying judgment this world has to offer. You've influenced her a lot as it is, I see that in the way she's so cynical and untrusting. I'm guessing that's because that's how you are as well. It's hard to understand, but please try to."
His words hit Peter like a bag of rocks. His mind brought him back to the conversation Cinna had with her parents not long ago, and it had been his biggest fear since then that he would be depriving Katniss of a normal life by his presence. All this while he had been trying to convince himself that it wasn't so, but with the man in front of him expressing it so clearly and logically was unnerving. He wanted to get out of the room, to not listen to the rest that he had to say, but he couldn't even get past the door that separated him and Katniss.
Cinna continued.
"What do you think it's going to be like when Katniss is older and starts making friends that don't take well to having, for lack of a better term, imaginary ones? I believe her now, but that doesn't mean everybody will. And even if she does manage to convince a few, she won't be able to convince all of them. Would you rather have Katniss deny your existence to everybody she meets?"
Peter's chest tightened at the words. The thought of Katniss having to pretend he wasn't there in front of people who didn't understand just to be accepted pained him.
"And what happens when she starts becoming more aware of the world, let's say when she goes on her first date. Will she be able to be herself around him? Fully enjoy it? You'll be there watching, and it will be like she's being judged for every action she takes. You'll be a burden to her."
"I would never judge her!" Peter found himself screaming now. If Cinna could see just how much of a mess he was making the angel who now knelt crumpled on the floor, clutching the part in his chest which now ached horribly.
"What happens when she gets married?" Peter tried to cover his ears. "What happens when she has children? She won't be able to give them her full attention if half of her is focused on you." Cinna looked genuinely concerned. Whether his concern was for Peter, Katniss, or both, he didn't know. All that Peter knew was that he was right. "She would never be able to have a proper relationship with anyone as long as you stay with her." Cinna's words drove themselves deeper into Peter's psyche. "And she's going to have a sister soon, Peeta. You need to think about Katniss, and her future."
Cinna was right. Absolutely right. Peter would never fit in right in this world of mortals. He wouldn't fit into Katniss' life either. He was depriving her of what little joy she could attain in this cold cruel world because of his own selfishness. He was terrible.
"Katniss adores you, loves you, and treasures you so much. You were first friend, and you're her best friend. You saved her life twice." Cinna's voice was soft and pleading. "But I beg you. If you truly care for her as much as she says you do, you need to let her go."
Cinna stopped, as if giving Peter time to process the words.
This was worse than when he had thought Katniss' didn't need him. Much worse. Because not only did she not need him, she would be better off without him.
When Katniss, entered the room, Peter had willed himself to look stoic and unaffected, although everything Cinna had told him was killing him inside.
Katniss asked him what they had talked about, but he didn't answer. Katniss didn't pry and instead took his hand in her little one, smiling up at him. "Everything's gonna be fine Peeta."
He sincerely hoped it would be.
That night, Deborah and Joseph Everdeen told little Katniss she was going to be a sister. They had braced themselves for the worst, a possible tantrum or Katniss probably not caring at all, but they had been wrong.
Katniss took to the idea immediately, her eyes shining as she asked her mother when it would come, and when Deborah answered that it was already here, Katniss eyes shined in wonder when her mother told her the baby was in her belly. Katniss was a very kind child, Peter mused. It was one of the things he had grown to like about the mortal, and one of the things that made it so hard to think of leaving her.
But as he watched Katniss embark on a new part of her life, he decided, more firmly than ever, that he just did not fit into it. Not then, not now, and not in her future. Watching Katniss caress the subtle curve of her mother's belly had helped Peter come to terms with what he was going to do. It prepared him for it, and he was going to do it tonight.
There was no use prolonging the inevitable, and if he was going to hurt the girl by breaking his promise, it would be better she not get more attached than she already was. Of course, he never did intend to break his promise. He wouldn't leave her. Technically, he couldn't leave her. Not really. He'd always be watching, because that was his only purpose in this realm now. He was hers completely, whether she knew it or not. He was her 'Peeta' and he always would be. He wouldn't leave her, but he couldn't stay either. So he would disappear from her sight, and hopefully she would forget. A small part of Peter wished however that she wouldn't.
Peter had rehearsed the entire thing in his head. When Katniss went to bed that night, without fail, she asked to see his wings. It had become a ritual of theirs ever since her counseling started, and he complied. He unfurled them and let the little girl play with his feathers, laughing at her tickling touch despite knowing what he was about to do next.
"Remember when you said you would let me go if I could get my wings back?" He asked her, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.
Katniss frowned, as if sensing what was about to happen. She didn't answer, and instead focused on a particularly rough patch of feathers on his left wing.
"I found out how I can get them back." He said, steadying his tone. It was a lie, he knew, but it had to be done. All those years, he had considered humans such hypocrites for preaching that lies were bad and yet continuing to lie on a daily basis. He had scoffed at their hypocrisy, but only now did he understand it. Lies were bad if they hurt people, and Peter had no intention of doing that. This lie was to help Katniss, not hurt her.
Katniss eyes shot up at him. "How?" She asked, almost excited, but fearing what he would answer.
"I can't tell you." He answered, hoping she would accept. And she nodded. "But I need to leave tonight if I am ever to get them back."
Katniss didn't say anything. It was as if she knew it was coming, and she probably did. She was a wise child after all.
"Is this because of Cinna?" She asked innocently.
No, not really. The thought had been on his mind long before he had spoken to Cinna. Cinna had just made it clear to him how necessary this was. "No, child. It isn't."
"Is it because of the baby?" She continued, her eyes now very, very, sad.
Partially, yes. "No, child. It isn't."
"Is it because of me?"
Peter had difficulty taming the searing pain that now shot through his chest at her words. Yes, it was. But he would never tell her that. "No, it isn't, Katniss. Of course it isn't."
Katniss was in tears now. "I want you to get your wings back." She said through sobs. "But I don't want you to leave."
Neither did he, but it was for her own good.
"You promised you'd never leave. You said you'd always be my Peeta." She cried, clutching on to him. Everything she did was making it harder for him to let go, and he slowly felt his resolve starting to break. He gently pried her hands off him before his resolve disappeared completely.
"And I shan't ever leave, Katniss. Not really. I'll always be with you, and I'll always be your Peeta." He assured her. This, unlike everything else he had said to her that night, was the truth. He wouldn't leave her. He would merely disappear from her sight, allowing her to live the life she was supposed to live. "But if I am ever to become the angel you always thought me to be, despite my weaknesses, I need to leave now, and it would greatly please me if I had your blessing."
Katniss sat silent.
He needed her to tell him to go, otherwise, he wasn't sure if he could do it. He needed to hear her tell him that she was okay.
"Please, Katniss. It is one of the things I need to get my wings back." Another lie, a selfish one at that. When had he stooped so low?
"Will you show me your wings when you get them back?" She asked, her eyes sincere in her question.
He knew that the answer was no, but if it made the child in front of him feel better, he would lie until his tongue was cut off. "Yes, child. I promise you I will." This was his biggest lie yet, and one that would certainly come back to haunt him.
Katniss embraced him as tightly as her little five-year-old frame could. "Take care, okay Peeta? Don't get hurt. I'll always be waiting for you to come back. And you'll be so beautiful when you do." Katniss was still crying, but now she was smiling at the same time, sincerely happy for the angel who held her in his arms.
It was torture, having to lie, but her words solidified Peter's resolve. He was doing this for her, even if it meant never being able to talk to her, or console, her, or to hold her like this ever again. Suddenly, he felt as if he had taken everything for granted, and he wished he could allow himself to hold her for just a little while longer. But he knew that if he did, he would never be able to let go.
"I need to leave now, Katniss." Katniss got off him as he stood up. He looked at her and her beautiful eyes. This would be the last time they would look directly at him, and he couldn't help but admire, once again, the beautiful shade of grey that met his blue.
He took a step back, as he withdrew his wings and Katniss stood, unmoving as she watched him slowly fade away, willing himself invisible.
As the last few traces of him slept away, Katniss suddenly ran to him. "I won't forget you Peeta! Come back, okay?" She shouted after him, but as she ran for an embrace, he was gone, and she was met with air. "You'll always be my Peeta." She sat on the floor of her room which was now cold and empty.
She would not allow herself to cry, Peter noticed from his spot, now invisible to the girl who called out to him. Instead, she got into bed and embraced one of her many stuffed animals tightly, willing herself to go to sleep, but failing.
He appreciated her genuine selflessness, despite what he had told her being a lie. He felt horrible for lying to someone who would willingly allow themselves to get hurt for the benefit of another, and he somehow wished that what he said was the truth, and that he could get his wings back, at least to show her that her pain right now would not be for nothing. But it wasn't for nothing. This was for her, and for her future, and although she was convinced now that Peter had left her, he never would.
After all this, the selfish side of him hoped she would do well on her promise to never forget him, although she would need to for his actions to count for anything.
But even if she did forget, he would always be her Peeta, and nothing else.
He watched her sleep that night, not as peaceful as all the other nights when he had done the same thing.
Come to think of it, he never did get to ask her about sleep.
And now, he never would.
Notes: Poor Peter. There's not much that I can say about this chapter. It basically just wrote itself, though I had trouble getting Cinna's character as the psychiatrist/counselor down right.
And yay! Katniss finally has a family and Prim is well on her way. Do you wonder what happens to Peeta/Peter? Stay tuned for the next chapter, and if you're craving for more, go ahead and check out my other story, Music and the Beast.
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