I've seen the horror,
I've seen the wonders
Happening just in front of my eyes.
Will I ever free myself by making it right?

Bella didn't see a point in going to the graves of Edward and Alice. But she was compelled to do it. She knew that in the coffins that lay there, there was nothing. It was all a façade for everyone else who didn't know the truth. There were so few who didknow and aside from those with names ending in 'Cullen', she was the only one who did. Still, it was a day when she felt as if she needed to be there. It was the first time she could bring herself to visit the site – It all still was too painful. Being there and seeing the tombstones meant that it would be real. It was one of the many things that would solidify reality. Bella had been putting that off for as long as she could, but it was getting increasingly more difficult to do. The weight that burdened her as a result of holding the secrets was suffocating, but she endured it. She had to.

Still, she hoped this visit would somehow help. Even though she had been there, witnessed it all, she felt like she still had so many questions. But they would never be answered. Her questions were more things like 'Why did this happen?' 'How could she have done something, anything different in order to prevent such a devastating outcome?' 'How was she supposed to ever move on without Edward?' Though she could think about these things for hours and hours and hours, clarity never seemed to make itself clear. She was left with shadows and shells of unanswered questions.

What she hadn't planned for was the fact that when she arrived, she wouldn't be alone. As she approached the graves, she noted a familiar blonde figure already there. Surely he could have sensed her coming, but either way, Bella paused in her steps. Instantly, she froze, a slight panic rising within her. It had been a week since the night he spent watching over her in her room, but she knew that every night since, he had taken the responsibility of being the one look guard the house. She had grown used to seeing him, but even still, seeing him now shocked her. He hadn't been there in the morning when she awoke. Emmett had been the one to check in on her. Now she could understand why. When she made a point to ask about Jasper, Emmett just said that he would be on 'patrols' that day. Bella assumed (and partially hoped) that it meant Jasper was finally hunting. It was obvious by his darkened eyes that he needed it and her concern for the boy was evident.

Now it explained everything. Seeing him already there made sense as to why he was missing. Immediately, she wanted to leave, to turn away and leave him to it. But how could she do that when she knew he would know she was there. Sucking in a breath, she continued to approach.

"I… didn't know you were here, Jas," she said softly, apologetically. "I wondered where you were, but I honestly didn't know." She felt so awful for intruding on him here.

"I'll leave, don't worry," she said, clutching the flowers she held in her fingers. Now she really wished Emmett would have told her.

At the burial, Jasper had thought it was absurd to place two empty coffins in the ground. His parents had told him it would be symbolic, and a memorial to the two of them. It was the best they could do, and Jasper knew that. He just hadn't wanted any part of it before. After going through the ritual though, Jasper had gone to Alice's grave nearly everyday. He wasn't sure if it was helping him or not, but it was the closest he could get to her. When he wasn't at the house, or staying outside of Bella's home, that was where he would be. He didn't talk to her headstone, or cry. He'd just sit in front of the stone and look at it. Words weren't necessary. They never had been, for them.

Alice's headstone always had fresh flowers decorating it. He would bring a white rose for Edward, but Alice always got daisies. He had been there for a good portion of the day, but he didn't really notice the time. Being there didn't ease the pain, but, he didn't know what else to do. Today was an especially important day. They'd planned to celebrate it; a first for Alice, her real birthday. They had never known the actual date until she learned it herself by visiting the asylum her family had put her in when she was a human. She'd been excited about that information, despite the fact that the rest of the information was so horrific. Knowing her birthday had meant the world to her.

Jasper stared at the headstone, and had been asking himself several of the same questions Bella had. He wished he'd gone back to Forks with her, that he'd gone to Italy too. He wished he could take back lunging at Bella, that he could turn back the hands of time for just one more embrace with the little pixie girl he loved so much. His heart seemed to break over and over again with each day that passed, and it left him wondering how many times a heart could break before the pieces were too small to put it back together. Jasper wasn't even sure he wanted it put back together.

There was something wrong with the headstone, though. Alice Cullen was written in lovely calligraphy, but it was still all wrong. It should've read Alice Whitlock, but that would have raised too many questions that couldn't be answered. Jasper hadn't made a big deal out of it, but it secretly bothered him a great deal. He was still sitting in front of it when he heard the sound of a human approaching. The wind caught her scent and carried it to him, and Jasper knew it was Bella. He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to regain his composure and not display the pain he was enduring over the loss of his wife.

"Bella," he began, after turning to look at her. "It's all right, you don't have to leave." He stood up, being the gentleman that he was. "You have as much of a right to be here as I do."

Bella didn't know how much a 'right' she had to be anywhere near this location. It was her fault that it even existed. Jasper had no idea of how true that fact was. No one did besides her. Nodding when he allowed her to stay, she offered him a weak smile of gratitude before turning to look at the tombstones. Instantly, there was a prick at her heart that hurt so badly, she nearly gasped. She should have known that coming here would be difficult. She just hoped that she would be numb to the pain. She was, in a sense. For whatever reason, she didn't feel compelled to cry or get worked up. But the pain still existed and when she looked at Edward's name scrawled into the stone, she was left without words.

It made it a hundred times worse knowing that he wasn't there really. It was just an illusion. She wished, more than anything, that this whole thing could be an illusion too. Just one of her elaborate nightmares that would be over when she awoke to Edward's cool fingers against her cheeks in the morning. But the way her heart felt that sharp pinprick allowed her to know that this was a reality. A devastatingly sad one, but a real one none the less. Looking back over at Jasper, she wondered what he was thinking, what he was feeling. Sometimes she wished she could have the abilities that he or Edward had. Then the answers would be so much easier and no detective work or prying would be even necessary. But with Jasper, it was easier. She knew how he was feeling because she felt the same way. Edward was everything to her, her entire life. It didn't matter that she'd only known him a year. She would have felt the very same if it had been a hundred years like it had been for Jasper and Alice. Bella was sure of it.

"It seems pointless. Doesn't it," she said, phrasing it more as a statement then a question when she turned to look back at the graves.

Their bodies were nowhere near this location. They were broken and turned to ash, nothing befitting of what either of them deserved. She chuckled once, bitterly, and shook her head. Steeping forward, she traced her fingers of her free hand over the cool marbly tombstone that marked Edward's eternity. There was that misguided concept again – eternity. It never really existed did it? Not in anything aside from death.

Jasper absently twirled a daisy between his fingers. The way the petals spun it reminded him of the way Alice's skirts would fan out when she twirled around for no real reason except that she could. He nearly smiled, but it got lost in the pain that had crippled his broken heart. Sometimes when he sat there, he'd get so lost in thought that he'd think any moment Alice would come up to him and cling to him from behind, telling him to stop brooding and come dance in the sun with her. It was a ridiculous thought, and one that could never come true, but he would've given anything to have just one more dance with his wife.

There would be no more dances. And Bella was right. This was very pointless. Him being there wouldn't change anything. No amount of daisies would bring Alice back. Sitting in front of her gravestone for hours on end wasn't going to result to anything but more pain for him.

"Yes," he said. "It's completely pointless."

Missing Alice wasn't enough to bring her back. Jasper knelt back down and sat in front of the stone again. He touched the petal of the daisy in his hand, then looked to the stone again.

"But it's all I've got."

Jasper had been so careful not to pry or ask Bella about what had happened in Volterra. But the question had been on his mind since he was able to regain coherent thought. He didn't necessarily want to know what happened to Alice, because he knew it would haunt him forever. Yet at the same time, by not knowing, it was still haunting him. There were endless amounts of scenarios that could have played out, but Bella was the only one who knew the truth. He didn't want to know, but he needed to know. He needed to know what happened to his mate and his brother.

"Bella, if you aren't ready I understand but..." he looked down at his lap, then the gravestone, then over at her.

"I.. I really.. I need to know what happened. "Please, when you're feeling up to it.. I have to know."

'It's all I've got.'

As soon as he said that, Bella felt crippled by guilt again. She hadn't meant to make it sound as if there was no point in beingthere, or that it was worthless to do such a thing. She had just meant that the empty coffins for appearances were a bit much under the circumstances. But it seemed he'd misinterpreted her words and instantly, she wished she would have just shut up. Guilt mixed with pain was a dangerous concoction of the worst type of poison. It didn't seem like there was ever an anecdote to follow up with.

There was no time to dwell on her mistake however, when Jasper asked her something she hadn't been expecting. It was the most basic question and yet, it was the most difficult thing she would have to do. Immediately, Bella wanted to shake her head and say that she couldn't tell him. She couldn't tell anyone. But at the same time, there was no way she could do that and nottell him. Jasper, of all people, who deserved to know the truth. But Bella had been there – she'd watched it all unfold and could do nothing about it. She understood the horror of it. How could she be the one to inflict that on another person? How could she tell him and then have to endure his reaction when he realized that she, alone, was responsible for everything? He would hate her. Jasper would never forgive her once he told her.

It hurt to think about.

But that was being selfish. Bella couldn't afford to do that. She didn't deserve to think of herself. Jasper was asking and if he was able to get the courage to finally do so, then she could find it to finally acknowledge it. Even with the looming ill-fated consequences. Kneeling, she folding her legs beneath her and stared at Edward's name on the gravestone. She couldn't look at Jasper as she started. She didn't know if she would be able to look at him at all. One thing was for sure – He wouldn't want to ever look at her again when she was finished. Bella didn't know where to even being. How could she think of a good start point when the ending would always be the same? It would never change. It would never be a happy one. But for that reason, she supposed it didn't matter where she started. It would just have to be at the beginning.

"Edward…" It wasn't a good start when she could barely choke out his name.

Bella forced herself to continue. Jasper needed this. She owed him.

"Edward tried to bring as much attention to himself as he could. He was going to walk into the sunlight as noon in the middle of the town square so the Volturi… So the Volturi could… so they would have to kill him for what he did. He'd asked them to do it before but they said no. So he… he tried to make it happen. But Alice and I got there before he could do it and I… stopped him. But it didn't matter. We still had to meet with… them."

Her eyes darkened considerably when she referred to the group of sickening vampires.

"They were obsessed with collecting vampires with special talents. Aro wanted Edward and Alice to join his coven and leave theirs because of what they could do. But… both of them refused. They couldn't. Neither of them could. So… So… Aro turned to me and I guess his ability couldn't work on me. Or something, I don't know. Something is wrong with me. Some of his coven members couldn't get their abilities to work on me either. Edward was angry that he kept trying to hurt me… so he lashed out at Aro. Aro's guards surrounded him and they tried… they tried to stop him, but he was just trying to protect me. Alice came to his defense and Aro didn't like it."

She paused for a moment and looked down at her lap before continuing.

"He gave them an ultimatum. He told them they needed to join the Volturi, join his coven, or else… or else…" She shook her head. "There were so many of them. I don't know where they all came from. They just… surrounded us. Edward… Edward and Alice… they both refused to join again. They said they would never betray their family."

Another pause again. Bella felt her heart breaking into a hundred pieces at the memory. It was the first time she'd really put herself back into it. The sights and the sounds were so vivid, it was like she was standing right there, right in front of it all again. She didn't realize she started to cry because her tears were silent, but her eyes grew wet and as she continued, they trickled down her cheeks. She couldn't stop now. She need to finish it. For Jasper. And for herself.

"The little one lunged at me and it set Edward off. He attacked and then it just… they all just… There were so many of them. Alice tried to protect me. She pushed me back, but they came at her. She was just so… so… little and… there were too many of them, Jasper. They tried so hard but they… Edward…" She choked again, covering her face with her hands and bowing her head. This was far more difficult than she ever could have imagined.

"The other two… Marcus and… and the other one," she said, unable to think clearly of his name. "They held me back. I couldn't do anything. I tried so hard to fight them. I couldn't move. I…" She dropped her hands and picked up the flowers again, clutching them so hard, the stems because damaged in her fingers.

"I couldn't breathe," she said. "The fire and the smoke… it… I couldn't see anything anymore. I could just hear them all. They were laughing," she said bitterly, her watery eyes narrowing into blurry slits. "Laughing." That had been one of the hardest parts.

"And Aro… he just… he just stood there and smiled… watching it all…" It was an image she would never lose. "He pushed me out when it was over. He said… he said he would be back, to expect… them to come back. And they shut me out."

There. It was over. She'd told him the whole story. She finally said it out loud.

But it still hurt unlike anything she'd ever done before.

For the first time, she looked at him, the guilt and shame bubbling so deeply without her, it hurt to even blink her eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Jasper," she choked out. "I'm… I tried. I tried to do something to protect them," she promised him. "They never turned their back on the family. Alice never turned her back on you," she said. She hoped, somehow, it would give him peace to know that.

Jasper knew a little about what Edward's plan had been. Alice had seen it in a vision and told him about it. When he found out she was going to Italy with Bella to try to stop him, he'd wanted to follow but she made him promise not to. Those had been her last words to him. Making him promise to stay behind, promising him she'd come home to him no matter what, and that she loved him. That phone call was his last memory of her. He could still hear her voice if he allowed it to play in his mind, but he wouldn't. It was too painful to recall.

His knowledge of the Volturi was extensive enough to know that Aro was a collector of those with talents. It was of no surprise that he expressed an interest in Edward and Alice. It angered him, but didn't surprise him. His anger was overshadowed by the sorrow he felt coming from Bella and the guilt she felt as she continued on with the story. It meshed with his own anguish and hit him hard, but he tried his best to remain stoic while she spoke. At first, it didn't seem real. This couldn't be about his wife, his brother, and the girl sitting next to him. But it was. This had really happened.

Jasper's fingers started trembling as the story unfolded and he was forced to clench them, clutching at the fabric of his trousers as he listened. He could almost see it playing out in his mind, and he didn't want to. He didn't want the images haunting him for eternity, and yet he didn't try to stop them. It wasn't fair that Bella was the only one to be plagued with nightmares. He didn't sleep, but the visual would still haunt him from time to time, he was certain of that.

He could see it all; the guard closing in on them, Edward lashing out to shield Bella. And Alice, "She was just so...so..little and.." his tiny little Alice trying to help even though she no doubt knew that they weren't going to get out of there alive. Alice. His little one. His pixie. His hope. Oh god, how could he have let her go alone? And the Volturi, that deceitful clan of pure evil. They laughedabout it. Jasper wanted them all dead. He wanted to rip them all apart himself for what they did to the three of them, for how they'd destroyed his family, for how they'd broken his heart and stolen half of his soul. Jasper's head tilted forward and he closed his eyes. He was trying so hard to keep it together, but he knew it wasn't going to last. He didn't want Bella to see him break down but he couldn't make his legs work properly enough to carry him away.

He took a shaky breath that was unnecessary and yet completely vital to his sanity at the moment. His eyes opened and he looked at the gravestone in front of him.

"Alice loved daisies," he said quietly. It had nothing to do with what had happened in Volterra, and had no bearing on her story, but it was all he could think to say. He was hanging on by a thread to his last nerve, and it was being pulled taut.

"She said they were the friendliest flowers." Jasper was staring at her carved name, almost as if he could see her there now. "One time when we were traveling together trying to find Carlisle and the others, we stopped in a field that had daisies in it. She was dancing around them; she looked so beautiful. I asked her to marry me that day." He touched one of the daisies very delicately. It seemed out of place for someone as intense as Jasper to have such a tender affection for the flower, but he did. "She took a handful of daisies to the courthouse where we got married for her bouquet. It was so simple, just at the courthouse. But she was so happy. I could feel it. She made it so special. She made everything so.. spe-"

He started to trace the 'A' of her name with his index finger, but he only made it to the top of the first line before he had to bring his hand to cover his eyes.

Vampires couldn't produce tears, but there was such a thing as dry sobbing in their world. His shoulders shook involuntarily, and there was nothing he could do to stop the outpouring of pain and sorrow that rolled off him in waves. Jasper felt horrible, but he couldn't stop himself from crying the only way he could. He doubled over, the pain unbearable as he wept for his wife, his brother, his family, his broken heart. He wished he was dead, and yet he felt he deserved all this torture. This was his fault, and he deserved to pay for it, to be punished with this anguish for all eternity.

Ashes. That was all that was left of her love and of Jasper and now, that was all that was left of Bella's heart. There were no more pieces to it, no more tiny shreds. It was simply reduced to dust. She knew this was coming. She knew this would have to happen and yet, there was no comfort in the aftermath.

Somehow, she had gotten to the point where she surpassed a complete breakdown of her own and was in so much pain that it was all numb once more. It shouldn't have been. It should have hurt so badly that she choked on it, so it robbed the breath and the life out of her like it had been stolen from Edward and Alice. Jasper wasn't the only one thinking of self-imposed death at the moment. Bella wanted absolutely nothing more than to close her eyes and never open them again. Even more than wanting her Edward back, she wanted to die. She didn't deserve him back when she had been the one to send him to his grave. She didn't deserve to be anywhere near Jasper. Instead of sitting there and retelling the gruesome story, she might as well have called the Volturi to came and take him as well.

She was a murderer. She felt like a murderer.

There was no other word for it. No other term that could have described how she felt so accurately. Bella couldn't manage to take her eyes off of Jasper now which again, seemed to have been something that changed unexpectedly. But why should she hide her face in shame? It was too apparent to hide from. It was all-consuming, and she didn't even deserve to hide her head. She should have been forced to face it straight on and watching Jasper… shake like that… She deserved this.

Her tears were frozen on her face and her own pain and heartache was put on hold. Reaching out, she didn't even hesitate before gently touching his arm.

"Jasper… I don't… I can't even say anything," she whispered. There was nothing solid about her voice. It was just as unstable as her emotions. "I'm so sorry," she said. "I'm sorry." Her fingers tightened momentarily around his arm.

"I'm sorry," she repeated. She would never be able to say it enough times. If she could have, Bella would have ripped out her very soul and given it to him to prove it.

Sadly, she still didn't think that would be enough.

Jasper had not intended for this to happen. He thought he'd be able to keep himself calm enough that he could make it back to the house before he lost it, or at least far enough away that she wouldn't be able to feel his pain or hear him cry. The moment she had finished telling him what happened, however, he knew he wasn't going to make it. He hadn't even been able to stand up. He just... broke. His entire essence seemed to shatter into thousands of pieces, broken shards of what was left of his soul. He couldn't fix it, he couldn't do anything to bring back Edward or Alice, and even though he wanted to die, he would make no move to end his life. This was his punishment; his hell on Earth that he was doomed to suffer through for the rest of his eternity.

He wanted to pull his arm away from her when she touched him. Not because he was repulsed by her touch, but because he knew that when he was an emotional wreck, everyone around him could feel it and when he was physically touched, they got it a lot stronger. Jasper didn't want Bella to have to feel the brunt of his pain like that, but he didn't have the strength to pull away from her, either.

Bella's words barely reached his ears, but somehow he heard her apologies. Why was she sorry? None of this was her fault. He'd lunged at her, Edward had left because his actions had sparked a fear within him, and Bella was left to pick up the pieces of her own broken heart however she could. That wasn't her fault. He was the one who set everything in motion. He wanted to say that, he wanted to tell her to stop apologizing, but he couldn't find his words. He just shook his had several times, trying to tell her no, to tell her she shouldn't be sorry. He couldn't get the words to come out no matter how much he tried. He'd been holding in this sadness for so long, that the crying wouldn't stop now that it started. He wished he could turn into her and clutch onto her, but Jasper feared he would cause her harm with how tightly he held on.

He couldn't let this continue. Jasper couldn't just sit there crying. His legs didn't want to move, his body ached as he tried. Not even his immortality made him immune to the effects of an emotional overload. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to compose himself enough that he could use his power to calm himself down. He wasn't aware enough to calm himself completely; he was still trembling and an occasional sob would catch in his throat every few seconds, but he managed to calm himself considerably for the time being. It would be enough to get him home, he knew.

"T-Thank you, for telling me," he said, barely able to recognize the sound of his voice. "I.. should go.." With nothing but sheer will, he got up to his feet. "I have to.. to go.." He took a few shaky steps, and then he ran. He ran as hard and fast as he could.

Every second that she sat there and witnessed his break down, Bella herself, broke a little bit more. Never before had she'd seen Jasper this way. She had never even seen Edward so upset. It was unlike anything. And the worst part was knowing that she couldn't do anything to comfort him. She was the one who was responsible for Jasper's upset, the way his shoulders shook and his hands trembled, the invisible tears that she knew would be flowing if he was capable of it. She could feelhis pain and because it was so similar to her own, she couldn't differentiate between his and hers. That too, didn't seem to help the situation.

She had the urge to pull him to her and wrap her arms around him – anything that could get that trembling to stop. It was the second most difficult thing she'd ever had to watch. That went without saying. The first, obviously, was the story that had just unfolded as they sat there in front of two empty graves. But before Bella could even have the chance (not that he would allow her to touch him anyway with how disgusted he obviously was by her and what she alone was responsible for), Jasper pulled away. Thoughts raced through her mind, desperately trying to connect to form words that would somehow help, but all she could do was stare up at him when he stood and uttered a thank you and a shaky explanation for his exit.

He was thanking her? He was thanking her for telling him the horrible tale? Was he thanking her, instead, for making it possible to never see her again after this? That last one made the most sense. Bella was positive that after this, Jasper would never be returning. At least, nowhere near her. Once more, she was the one to blame for hurting another member of the Cullen family. How could such a plain, simple girl from Arizona utterly destroy so many lives of people she loved?

Edward always would say he was the monster, that he was the dangerous one. But it was a lie. It was Bella. He should have been the one running away from her. He was the one who never should have come back from Denali when he'd fled after she first came to Forks High School. If he had, he would be alive and well. He would be burden-free, as would the rest of his family. This image of Jasper, now added to Bella's collection of things to have nightmares in regard to, would never have come about.

It was only a few seconds that he was still visible to her, but Bella watched him until he was out of sight. She stared for quite some time at the spot in the trees where he'd disappeared. It wasn't as if she were waiting for him to return – she wasn't that foolish. She just could swear she could still feel his pain. Looking down at her lap at the slightly damaged bunch of flowers she'd picked from the meadow – her and Edward's meadow – she took them in her fingers and broke them apart into two bunches. One, she placed reverently near the daisies on Alice's grave. The other, she kept in her hands as she laid down where Edward's grave was and waited until the pain hurt so bad, she would stop breathing.

One could only hope.

Author's Note: We weren't going to post this so soon but we couldn't help ourselves!This chapter was shorter but like we said before, it was really emotionally charged and it was important because it explained what happened when in Volterra. The next chapter is similar in that it's also pretty hard-hitting. We're so happy to be getting so many sweet reviews. That's so encouraging to us to continue posting. Thanks for reading and look forward to Bella's visit to the meadow in the next chapter and the aftermath that ensues when Jasper finds her!

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