Your love is haunting me
And all I want is more to set me free
Whispering in the air
Hoping that my words find you somewhere
After seeing Bella at the cemetery, Jasper wasn't sure how he'd made it back to the Cullen house. He hadn't even known how long he'd wandered until he finally made his way back there. Esme had greeted him at the door and hugged him for several minutes; Jasper felt her fear and relief of seeing her son return. He honestly couldn't remember if he returned the embrace or just stood there. Either way, he'd come 'home' and everyone was glad to see him. They hadn't understood his departure, only that something had happened that affected Bella, too.
It would remain a mystery for another whole week that Jasper was there. He'd gone up to his room and stayed there, completely miserable with his existence. He'd been the one to cause all of the madness, all the pain, the deaths of his wife and brother, and the devastating heartache that Bella had to endure. Jasper felt horrible for how he'd behaved in the cemetery before his sudden departure, but he hadn't known what else to do. He couldn't dare ask for her comfort; he didn't deserve even her concern. He certainly didn't want to continue weeping in front of her, so he'd fled. Now that he was back, he still made no move to go back to her home. The others seemed to have it all under control. He didn't want to face her again after all the damage he'd caused.
After a week of being back, Jasper composed himself enough to share the information Bella provided with Carlisle. It had not been easy to repeat her story, and he'd broken down three times in the process of telling it. He knew that the family needed to know the truth, and he also knew that Carlisle needed to know that the Volturi were watching them, and Bella. It made him wonder if the intruder had come from their side of the pond. It was something to think about, anyway. Once he'd shared the story with Carlisle, Jasper went back to his isolation. It was the most use he thought he could be, so there didn't seem to be much point in him showing his face around the house. Emmett had taken him hunting a couple of times, but it didn't have the same fun quality to it that usually accompanied their trips together. They didn't wrestle over their prey, or challenge each other along the way. It was just out of necessity and nothing more that he fed, then returned home.
There seemed to be no sign that Jasper would ever emerge as anything more than a shell of the man he once was, until the news of Bella's disappearance reached his ears almost three weeks from when he last saw her.
At once, he was out of his room and demanding to know how she'd gotten away. Apparently there was some sort of understanding that when Jacob Black was at the house, the Cullens stayed away. That was probably the worst idea Jasper had ever heard. The proof? Bella was gone, Charlie was probably a blink of an eye away from sending every officer in Forks out looking, and who knew what danger was out there looking for Bella to try to kill her?
The only thing more terrifying than that last thought, was the knowledge that Bella probably didn't care right now if that danger found her. Jasper knew, and understood her pain because it was the same as his own. He'd prayed for his own death several times over the past few months. Bella had death looming over her at every unguarded turn. After grilling Carlisle about details Charlie had mentioned on the phone, Jasper left without saying goodbye. The others were all going to search too, he assumed, but Jasper had to find her. There was an unexplainable drive within him to find her and keep her safe. Even though he knew he was just as much of a danger to her as anything out there and maybe even more, he couldn't let anything happen to her now.
He drove to her home, and followed her scent from there. The only relief he felt the entire time he was searching was the fact that there was no other foreign scent traveling with her. That meant that she had gone on her own, and she had not been abducted. It was a comfort, however small. It did not slow him down, though. He entered the woods, alternating from traveling through the trees and following treacherous paths. He would find her. He would bring her home alive.
It was all he had left to live for.
Bella no longer had any concept of time. Before, she wished she would be able to disregard such a thing because it meant she could spend an eternity with Edward. There would be no need to measure it any longer because it would never seem to change. She would just be happy forever. It would never end. Now, time still seemed endless. In this case though, it was painfully so. It was empty. There was nothing to look forward to, nothing to smile or laugh about, no reason to drag herself out of bed every morning. This was an ultimate low for Bella. Ever since that day she met Jasper in the cemetery, she had slumped so low into depression that she couldn't even see the bright side anymore. It didn't exist. It just seemed to get darker and darker.
Each day, she wondered if Jasper would be the one to look over her. But it was no surprise when he never came. Days went by and faded into even longer nights. Those surrounding her were worried. Renee had tried on more than one occasion to take her away from Forks, but Bella couldn't leave. Charlie was beside himself with worry. For a few days, he stayed home from work as if that would somehow make a difference. He tried to suggest a hundred different things to get Bella out of the house, but she refused. She didn't want to leave. She didn't want anyone to see her, talk to her. Esme had taken to staying in her room most nights while she slept. She was grateful for the presence, but nothing the matriarchal figure could do would cure Bella of her pain and sadness. Nothing she could do could even seem to lessen it.
She never cried though.
After letting a sliver of her composure slip when she had been with Jasper, Bella never again shed a single tear. Everyone – Charlie, Esme, Carlisle…. They all wished she would have cried. They wished she would have shown some form of life. But it never came. Once, she had been like this before. Not to the same great degree because her life still carried on, but this time, it had stopped altogether. In more desperate attempts, Charlie had Jacob coming over every so often. But even the boy who once helped to patch up her heart in the past, her best friend, couldn't manage to piece it back together in the slightest.
One night, Bella couldn't sleep. She tried for hours, but to no avail. Esme sat beside her bedside and stroked her hair back in comforting manner to try and help, but even that had no effect on her. Finally, rolling over on her side, she peered up at the kind-hearted woman.
"Where's Jasper?" she asked.
Her tone was both curious and defeated, but otherwise unreadable. She hadn't mentioned his name ever since the day at the graveyard and no one had done the same to her. She was unaware of whether or not he'd told his family what Bella had told him and she didn't want to ask just in case he hadn't and they wished to know the full story too. There was no way she could have done it again.
"He's taking some time for himself," Esme said softly, brushing back the hair from Bella's forehead. She didn't know exactly why Jasper had left, but she attributed to something that happened with Bella – she must have told him what happened. Carlisle had assured his wife that their son would be all right. He just needed space.
Instantly, Bella felt sick to her stomach with guilt. Not only had she really hurt him, but she caused it for his family as well by causing him to isolate himself from them. Bella didn't sleep at all that night. Instead, she pretended until Esme left. The next day, she hadn't gotten out of bed until mid-day. When she did, she left the house telling Charlie she would be back soon in a note. Her destination had been the meadow. It was her favorite place to visit because it was fairly unknown. It was their place. A special place. It took her awhile to get there, leaving her truck by the woods and taking the rest of the way by foot. She'd gotten lost twice, but she managed.
It was cloudy. Of course it would be. The first time she'd gone, there had been sunlight and Edward in all his brilliance. There was no brilliance any longer. Nothing but clouds. She watched the sky turn colors as she lay in the middle of the meadow amidst the overgrowth of grass and wildflowers in the late spring.
For hours, she stayed motionless, wondering if maybe she didn't move, she would be absorbed into the earth and just... disappear.
Jasper wasn't sure if he wanted to be the one to find Bella or not. He wanted her to be found and taken home immediately of course. There was no questioning that at all. He just didn't know if it would be right for him to find her. What would he say to her if he saw her? The last time they'd seen each other, he'd run off after crying his heart out in front of her. He didn't know what he would do, but he tried not to think about it right now. Finding Bella was the main priority, and everything else that followed would happen when it happened. He couldn't worry about himself when Bella could possibly be in danger.
He wasn't exactly familiar with these woods. He'd never really been in them before, not enough to know them backwards and forwards. He thought he was on her trail, though. It was her scent at least. Jasper continued through the trees, moving from one to the next. It allowed him a better vantage point, being able to see much farther out with the added height.
The hour was drawing later and Jasper still hadn't found her. There was a clearing coming up, and he was running out of trees. Maybe he could stop there and refocus his efforts in a different direction. He wasn't going to give up until he found her or received word from one of the others that Bella was safe in her room. Jasper moved from tree to tree until he reached the last one. Just before he jumped down, something caught his eye. Someone, was more like it.
There, lying in the grass, was Bella.
He'd been on the right trail after all. He could see she was breathing, which was a good sign. She looked asleep, but it was hard to tell without being close to her. Now, all those worries from before about what he would do should he be the one to find her began creeping up on him again. He didn't know what he should say, if he should apologize, or what. He wasn't even sure why she'd run off, unless it was out of grief for Edward. That made perfect sense to him because he'd done the same thing for Alice.
He decided he would just tell her he was there to bring her home and he would do that, then leave. If she wanted, he'd even call Carlisle to come get her and wait at a distance until he arrived. That would be up to Bella. For now, he needed to get her home. It was too dangerous out here for her to be by herself. Quietly, he jumped down to the ground. Jasper kept a safe distance, several paces away from where she was lying.
"Bella," he called out softly, in case she was sleeping.
'You're not good for me, Bella.'
Maybe Edward hadn't been lying. Maybe he hadn't been saying those things just so he could leave easier. Bella knew the truth all along. She knew that she wasn't good for him. But selfishly, she tried to convince him of otherwise. She offered her soul to him, claiming that she it didn't want it anymore, that it was already his. She truly believed that too. He might not have thought that he had a soul himself, but Bella knew he did. It was entwined with hers, keeping her alive and giving her a reason to keep breathing. But it hadn't been enough for him. She hadn't been enough for him.
'I promise that this will be the last time you see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed.'
How could he have thought that? How could he possibly have thought that she would be able to carry on without him? If he was half of her soul, the other part couldn't survive without him. But Edward always had an answer it seemed. He always had something to say, a reason for doing what he did.
'Don't worry. You're human—your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind.'
That had been his only lie. Time would never heal her. Time would only deepen the wounds, not fix them. Laying there in the meadow proved it. She didn't feel any closer to him, only further away. It wasn't fair that her reunion with him had been so brief. There had been too much to tell him, too much to reassure him of. Bella never got the chance, nor would she ever. One of the last memories of him that she had before everything that happened in Volterra was Edward telling her that she was no good for him. How could she ever heal knowing that?
Bella could always pretend.
She could always pretend that his voice was soft and comforting, gentle. Like now. When he said her name, she smiled, eyes never leaving the sky.
"Edward," she whispered, eyes fluttering closed in contentment. She could feel comfort, ease. Peace.
Jasper froze upon hearing his brother's name fall off her lips in a soft whisper. He again was unsure of what he should do. She was either dreaming, or in a trance-like state lost in her imagination. He couldn't blame her for the latter; he often did the same. He didn't know if he should speak again or approach her. Either way, she was going to be devastated upon learning that he was not Edward. In fact, he was probably the last person in the world she wanted to see. Jasper contemplated briefly racing back into hiding in the trees, letting her believe she'd imagined his brother's voice and nothing more. He could call Carlisle and give him her location, and that would be that. Something wasn't letting him run, though. He couldn't bring himself to do that to her. She deserved better than that.
How could he break her heart, though? How could he be the one to shatter the illusion that Edward was not dead, that he was standing right there, probably about to go lay next to her and hold her, whisper his devotion and cradle her against him. For the briefest moment, Bella seemed to have short, spiky black hair as Jasper's vision blurred into his own illusion. He blinked rapidly several times to snap himself back into reality. Painful reality. The illusion was so much nicer. Who the hell was he to take that from her?
"I'm sorry, Bella," he said quietly.
God, if that wasn't a masterpiece of an understatement. His list of incidents to apologize to her for continued to grow everyday, it seemed. He took a cautious step towards her, then another, closing the gap between them in half.
Her heart couldn't have been broken anymore. It still only remained bits of dust that were collected inside of her chest. Jasper needn't worry over that, nor should he need to apologize for killing her illusion. It should have been that way. She shouldn't have continued to think such thoughts, dream such impossibilities. They weren't allowing her to heal. But Bella was still convinced that healing was never going to happen to her.
Opening her eyes again, she tilted her head toward him.
"Hi Jasper," she said calmly.
It was as if there had never been a moment of weakness, like Bella had never made the mistake of thinking that her fantasies manifested themselves into something real. It was also as if Jasper had never left. For the moment, she was just too numb to really feel anything at all, though beneath the surface, her emotions were fighting to be released. When you were an empty shell, you had no need for them, but it didn't seem like they were ever silenced. That was the case with Bella. She hadn't realized that she was so close to the breaking point. Otherwise, she would have told Jasper to run away again before it was too late. She didn't want to put him in that position.
But emotions also never seemed to listen when they reached the point of no return and it seemed like Jasper would witness more than he bargained for before Bella would ever have a chance to warn him. Tilting her head further to the side, she rested her cheek against the grass while her fingers moved from her side to run through the flowers there.
"Daisies," she said thoughtfully, touching upon the story he'd told her back at the cemetery. "I think I prefer wildflowers." Her fingers gently traced the petals of one that was close to her and she smiled bitterly at its beauty. "They look pretty. But they're so deceptive," she said. "They can make you think they're wonderful, that they'll always be there no matter what the season is. But really they're just…" She plucked the flower out of the ground and brought it to her chest to hold over her heart. "…weeds."
Her eyes closed again, squeezing shut. The place where the flower was pressed against her seemed to burn.
"I never noticed it before," she said. "Everything about this place just seemed so… perfect," she whispered, catching fleeting glimpses in her memory of the first time she'd rested there with Edward. That was the first time he'd told her he loved her. It felt like her heart would explode from how wonderful it felt to hear him confess to what she'd felt so strongly too. Now, it felt like her heart would explode too, but for an entirely different reason.
"I don't even know why I'm here," she said, her voice starting to tremble.
And she didn't. This was just hurting more. Being here hurt morethan anywhere else. And still, she'd laid there for hours upon hours. People probably wondered where she was. Charlie was probably frantic by this point. Maybe that's why Jasper was there – it had to be the only reason he was there. Unless it was an accident. Yes. It was an accident. Jasper hated her. For such good reason, Jasper hated her. It was a mistake that he wandered across where she happened to be.
All at once, she couldn't take it anymore and Bella broke like her heart already had – into a million pieces. Crushing the flower in her fingers, she started to cry for the first time in weeks.
Jasper was not quick to move. He stayed where he was as she started speaking, but was very aware of her feelings just then. Her voice was calm, but he could feel the emotions stirring within her and he knew she was on the verge of cracking. While everything in him was telling him to use his power and calm her down to keep that from happening, he didn't listen to his instinct. He knew that it wouldn't help things in the long run if her grief was stunted. She needed to get this out, no matter how painful it was in that moment. Not allowing her to grieve seemed completely unfair. He had no right to stifle her sadness, even if it was to try to protect her from any pain.
He watched her, listening as she spoke of the flowers. Her mention of daisies pricked at his heart, but it was smashed into so many pieces as it was that he did not really even flinch. He resisted the urge to say anything, for fear if he did it would make her stop talking and less likely to get out what she needed to. It was a painful thing for him to witness, and for him to feel. He felt her pain, her loss, her loneliness, all of it. He wanted so badly to take it all away but more than anything he knew she needed this.
The tremble in her voice tipped him off that she was close to her breaking point. Jasper took another step towards her but was careful not to make any noise. He could almost feel the lump rising in her throat that she'd been fighting to keep down. He saw the tears starting to trickle down her cheeks and somehow, even though he didn't think it possible, it felt like his heart was breaking all over again. He wanted to look away, to try to erase the image of her pain out of his mind, but he wouldn't allow himself that. She'd been witness to his sadness. Bella shouldn't have been alone during hers.
Very slowly, Jasper closed the rest of the gap between them, and sat on the grass next to her. He almost felt like an intruder, but he also felt like he needed to be there with her. It burned his throat, being so close to her, but that pain was nothing compared to the pain in his chest and the pain he felt coming from her. With the utmost care, he eased her up off the ground to keep her from choking on her sobs too much. Jasper wasn't sure he'd ever reached out to her before in anything but violence; he was always very, very careful to keep his distance. Just once, when he'd touched her shoulder to tell her she was worth fighting for, that was the only time until now.
Jasper slowly ran his hand down her back and watched her. He didn't say anything yet, knowing that sometimes words just didn't help. There was nothing anyone could say that would've made losing Alice even the slightest bit 'okay.' He knew for her, it would be the same for Edward. They'd both lost the other half of their souls. Nothing could make that tolerable.
Bella thought she was imagining things again.
She really had thought Jasper would leave again, just take off running before things had gotten too deep. Surely he could feel everything she was feeling, not only just because of the fact that he had the special ability to do just that, but because he had felt the same breaking point the last time they had been together. They really were facing the same situation, the same heartache. Perhaps, though, neither of them had really started to grasp the fact of how similar their mindsets had been. Maybe this was a step in the right direction. Maybe what happened in the cemetery had already been the first one. Maybe there had been others before that. Either way, disguised or not, it was some form of coping.
One of the ways in which Bella knew it wasn't just a figment of her imagination was because of the feel of Jasper's skin. The cold was significant of the fact that this was real. But though it might have actually been happening, it still was shocking to Bella. She hadn't expected him to put himself on the line and comfort her in such a drastic way. She had been no stranger to the fact that he had trouble controlling his bloodlust at times, especially around her. Of course she would never blame him for this. It was in his nature. He was supposedto react that way. He certainly wasn't designed to pull her close to him and run his hand down her back in such a comforting gesture. It only seemed to cause a thousand more tons of emotions to crush her under the weight.
Because of those emotions, Bella couldn't help herself from clinging to him. Her arms wrapped around him tightly and she pushed her face against his shoulder to bury her tears against him. The flood of feelings that poured forth didn't have her logically thinking that this was probably extremely difficult for him to endure, and again, she wouldn't have blamed him if he would have pulled away from her. But he was there and Bella couldn't stand to keep everything so bottled up any longer. Every person had a breaking point and Bella's had already passed her by more than once. This was long overdue and even in her intense sorrow, a part of her knew that this was a good thing. There was no way to start to heal until she hit rock bottom.
And there was nothing lower than this.
"It's not fair," she cried, her voice muffled by his shoulder. "I just got him back. I just..." Her voice broke off again and she couldn't finish. She could only hold onto Jasper tighter. Bella usually wasn't childish, but in this, she couldn't help it. It wasn't fair. She hadn't had time to get the closure she needed after Edward had left the first time. She would never know that his words upon leaving her might not have been the truth, but only said for her protection from grief at his leaving. Bella would never know the truth. That was why she struggled so much with this. That was why she delayed the start of the coping and healing process.
"I'm sorry," she said, almost inaudibly. She wasn't being specific, but there were so many things to apologize for – especially to Jasper – that it didn't matter.
While Jasper's intentions were geared towards helping her, there was also a personal benefit of not speaking while he sat next to her. It meant he didn't have to breathe, which in turn made it easier for him to be close to her. It was a little uncomfortable, but easier on his throat for him not to be constantly breathing in her scent, her blood. He could sit there without any tension in his shoulders and not have any other real concern except for making sure she didn't work herself up into hysterics. Jasper did not think it would escalate to that level. He could feel that she was tired, even beyond her grief. He didn't think she had the strength in her to get hysterical.
Though he wasn't breathing, it was still quite a rush and overload of emotions for him when she launched herself into him and clung to him. It didn't knock him back or anything like that, but it was overwhelming for him to feel her grief so physically now. Jasper closed his eyes, trying not to let it get to him too much. He had not felt he'd properly addressed grieving for his brother since he'd been so caught up in his wife, but now he could feel all of her sorrow for Edward and it made him realize how much he truly ached for his brother as well. Besides Alice, it was Edward who he had been closest to in the family. He had a different bond with all of the Cullens, but it was Edward who he felt understood him best - save for of course, his wife. He and Edward shared a bond between their abilities and understood the hardships the other faced with being unable to control what emotions or thoughts they felt and heard. They both understood how overwhelming it could be to deal with and it was Edward who Jasper often confided in when things got to be very hard for him. Edward was always there for him, even when Jasper wouldn't have been there for himself had he been in Edward's shoes. He took a moment in silence to mourn for Edward alone, though it was something he would grieve privately over for a long time.
Bella's actions had shocked him, though.
He knew she was desperate in her grief and he was the only one there. That had to be why she'd turned to him the way she did. If someone else had been there with them, surely she would have clung to them instead of him. Her grief had probably made her forget her fear of him. But Jasper made no move to remove her arms from around him. He wasn't sure how he should respond. He didn't think she needed to apologize to him for anything. She'd done nothing wrong at all, but apparently she thought she did. If Bella felt she needed to say it, he wasn't going to stop her. He just didn't know why.
Jasper slowly continued to just run his hand over her back. It was the most he could do, considering his affliction of bloodlust. He didn't think embracing her would be a good idea anyway, as it might make her feel trapped. She needed the openness, he thought, in order to keep her emotions flowing.
"I.. I don't understand why you feel apologetic towards me," he said quietly, finally breaking his silence. "You've done nothing to wrong me, Bella."
Shaking her head, Bella instantly refuted his words. She had everything to be sorry for. Where would she ever even begin? There was the most obvious – she took his wife and brother from him because of her own selfish reasons. If she wouldn't have jumped off of that stupid cliff… If she hadn't cut her finger on her birthday… If she hadn't insisted that she couldn't stand to be away from Edward in the first place…
There were so many 'ifs' and Bella felt sorry for them all. She was sorry that she had to tell him the story of what happened and couldn't do anything to comfort him like he was doing for her now. She was sorry that she'd trapped him into being her protector and being more of a source of comfort than he would understand. She was sorry for all of it.
But it was hard for Bella to say anything else and instead, she just shook her head against him again. There were a few more minutes where she could do nothing else but cry. When her tears finally slowed, quiet sobs replaced them. But it was then that she realized just how exhausted she was. The biggest indicator was the fact that she was struggling to keep her eyes open. Her lids felt heavy and though the weight of bottled emotions had been eased to a great extent as a result of her breaking down in the meadow, she still felt burdened. Jasper was partly to blame in addition to how much it took out of her to release her feelings in such a manner. He was making her more comfortable than he would ever realize. Bella knew that either way, she would have reached this breaking point sooner or later. It seemed to have made a significant difference that when it occurred, she hadn't been alone. Because of this, because of her vulnerability and her subsequent ease with him, Bella would never be able to look at him the same after this day was long gone. Again, that was something that wouldn't fully hit her until later on.
Being this close to him, Bella could breathe in his scent. The first night that he'd come to guard her house and it had been storming, the smell of him clung to the pillow she'd given him and the clothes that he'd borrow from Charlie. She barely noted it when she first took the clothing to be washed, but then later that night when she was falling asleep, she'd returned the pillow to her bed and realized that it smelled like something delicious. It was a different scent, like a special cologne or something, but it was unique and on its own, it was enough to get her to sleep easier. It didn't linger long unfortunately, or else in the weeks that Jasper had been gone, she might have had something of an easier time getting to bed.
But now, it was powerful and it filled her senses, seemingly making it a hundred times more difficult to stay awake. Because her emotions drained her, Bella was too tired to try and fight them and instead, gave into exhaustion. Her breathing slowed and her heartbeat followed. In a matter of minutes, she was asleep, still with her arms around him and her face pressed against the fabric of Jasper's shirt.
Jasper still had no answers for why she was feeling so apologetic towards him. He didn't understand it at all and it seemed this would go unanswered again because all he received was her shaking her head as she held onto him. He wanted to apologize to her. He needed to, and he would, but now was not the time. She needed to release all of this grief and reach her lowest point so that she could pick herself up and start to heal. That was the point he'd realized he'd reached, and though healing seemed like an impossible feat, he had to try. If nothing else, he knew Alice wouldn't want him miserable for eternity. He knew Edward wouldn't want that for Bella, either.
He could feel her grief becoming less dominate over her exhaustion. The tiredness he felt from her was becoming much more prominent and he knew it was only going to be a matter of time before she succumbed to sleep. He didn't know what was worse, truly. Part of him wished he could sleep, to escape the harsh reality that he lived with non-stop. Yet, sleep risked the chance of nightmares. While Jasper felt he was constantly existing in a never-ending one, he also knew that sleep-induced nightmares could be much worse. He didn't know which was the lesser of two evils. It didn't matter though. He could never sleep anyway.
Jasper knew when she was sleeping. The change in rhythm of her heart was what told him that she'd lost consciousness. He could feel her breathing slow down as well. She wasn't dreaming yet, he didn't think, and the state of slumber was still in the beginning stages. Jasper did not want to wake her as he knew she needed the rest after such a grueling emotional outburst. Her body needed time to recover unlike his. That was why he did not move from where they were positioned to take her home right away. It was difficult for him of course, but he endured it. With her sleeping, he could stop breathing again. He continued to lightly stroke her back, finding the gesture soothing to himself as well.
Something was bothering him, though.
This was wrong. Edward should have been the one sitting there, holding her, comforting her, taking care of her. Jasper should've been sitting in the trees, watching Alice dance along the branches and taking solace in her constant happiness. Edward should have been in his position. The picture was wrong. And yet, that wasn't what was bothering him.
It was the fact that it didn't feel wrong for him to be there. Jasper didn't allow himself to think about it at the moment, but it would creep up on him again later. For now, he just focused on listening to her breathing, waiting until he knew she was in a much deeper sleep. Once he felt that she wouldn't stir, he picked her up and cradled her to him to shield her from the cold night air. After securing her in his arms, he carried her from the meadow all the way back to her house. Along the way, he called Carlisle and told him he'd found her, asking him to alert Charlie to call off the search and telling him to please be waiting for him so that he could carry her right in without having to disturb her.
Charlie slumped into one of the kitchen chairs with utter relief when Carlisle called. He'd been frantic looking for his daughter. He knew the Cullens were out looking for her and Jake had gone back to the reservation to round of some of his friends to help too. Charlie wanted to leave too, to search everywhere on foot, by car, by plane if he had to (he was being a little bit dramatic about his daughter, yes). But Bella was his only child and had disappeared before like this. It scared him to death and he vowed to never let it happen again when she was in his care. He'd just gotten her back and couldn't stand the thought of losing her. Not again. It made the chief of police sick to think about. He'd remained home in desperate hopes that she would return. So when Carlisle informed him that Jasper had found her and that they were on their way back, the chief, who was by no means religious, said a silent prayer.
He phoned Billy to tell him to let Jake and the rest of the La Push kids know, but it seemed like Jake had already gotten the message somehow judging by how quickly he showed up back at the Swan house. Charlie didn't question how he'd managed that but just figured he was rounding back to check if Bella had come back yet.
"Where is she?" Jacob demanded when he came through the door. Charlie explained that Carlisle had phoned and said that his son Jasper had been the one to find her and was bringing her back as they spoke. Jake was anxious, standing by the door and peering out in the darkness. He would be able to smell the bloodsucker when he got close. It would be a shame that as soon as Bella was returned, she would reek of the disgusting scent.
That scent soon became prominent. "They're coming," he said over his shoulder to Charlie.
The chief pushed back his chair and stood by Jake at the door, pushing it open wider to accommodate Jasper bringing his daughter forward. Carlisle had said that she was unharmed, perfectly fine, but she was sleeping. Charlie was partially glad that she was; it meant she wouldn't be overwhelmed when she returned and he would much rather have his Bells be quietly slumbering as opposed to harmed in any way or traumatized. His relief was solidified when he saw that surely enough, she was resting in Jasper's arms.
The look on Jacob's face read otherwise. Sure, he was relieved. But he had wanted to be the one to find her. He was supposed to be the one that was taking care of her now, holding her while she slept. Not a stupid, filthy leech.
"We'll take care of it from here," he said coolly when Jasper approached, holding his arms out to take her. He didn't assume that Charlie should have been the one to take of her out of anyone if Jasper was to let her go. As far as he was concerned, her place was with Jake and with that Edward kid out of the way, it was one step closer.
Carrying her home hadn't been any trouble. The wind blowing against them would have been bothersome with her scent, but Jasper kept his flow of oxygen cut off. He would've liked to have run with her but he didn't want to jar her awake so he kept at a brisk walk. Once he got to her house, he started to breathe again to try to assess if any of his family was nearby. Instead, a rancid stench of dog invaded his nostrils and he cringed in disgust. That was perfect. The dog was there. He rolled his eyes towards the sky, but let it go. Bella was the priority.
As soon as he walked up to the door, it opened and he was face to face with Chief Swan for the first time. Jasper didn't say anything as he walked in, again, not wanting to disturb her. He had every intention of taking her to her room without incident, but the dog had to go and open his mouth.
He arched an eyebrow at the younger, foolish adolescent and simply said, "Oh, I think you've done quite enough for her already." He turned to Charlie then, and nodded. "Chief Swan, I'll just take her upstairs and be on my way, if you could lead me to her room." Of course, playing the fool as if he'd never been there.
Charlie was oblivious to the tension between the two young men, just so glad to have his Bells back in the house and seemingly unharmed. He led Jasper up to Bella's room and pulled back the covers of her bed. Jasper gently laid her down with great care, and then stood up straight. He would be back, but for now had to make it look like he was going home. Charlie thanked him and Jasper just nodded again and told him he was glad Bella was safe. He stared down Jacob once before walking out of the house. He drove his car around the block, then walked back and hid in one of the trees until he saw Jacob leave. He watched Charlie check on his daughter again, then waited until all the lights were out in the house before he crept in through Bella's window in silence.
He moved to the corner of the room and sat on the floor, watching her. He'd told Carlisle he would stay with her through the night so not to worry about sending anyone. Something inside of him just told him he needed to be there for her, to make sure she slept through the night.
Bella was sleeping peacefully.
She hadn't stirred at all during the journey back to the house, nor did she when she was put safely into her bed. She had been partially so exhausted still from her emotional outburst, and in other part, so comfortable in Jasper's arms that she slept easily that night. It looked like it would be one that would not be plagued with dreams. Even as she slumbered, she still felt as if she were surrounded by Jasper's scent. But once he'd left for the sake of appearances for her father, the comfort that the scent and his presence brought along soon disappeared. That was when the dreams came.
This one was vivid, but everything was black and white.
It was a strange contradiction, but often times, Bella's dreams didn't make sense to her. She was back at the cemetery. The dirt on Edward and Alice's graves was still fresh and even in her dream, she could swear she could smell the scent of cut grass. But something didn't feel right. She looked around and found herself alone. This struck her and in the dream, Bella started to panic. It wasn't right; something was missing. Someone was missing.
"Jasper," she whispered, turning over on her side, her brow furrowing as she slept. It was as if she knew, even though she was asleep, that he was no longer there. Perhaps that was why she had so much trouble with it in the past month when he hadn't been there.
Suddenly her dream switched focus and a new scene appeared. The meadow. Edward was there, sparkling in the sunlight through a break in the clouds. He was smiling, laughing. He didn't look anything like he did when she last saw him in horror and pain back in Italy. When the clouds closed, she reached for him but as the sunlight faded, his features changed. His hair grew longer, curlier, and it lightened to blonde. His shape changed, slightly broader and a bit taller.
"Jasper." She called out the name again. When she reached for him though, the figure again changed. This time, the eyes turned blood red, the skin sallow-looking and even more pale to her eye. The body lengthened and aged. Aro.
"Jasper," she called again, turning onto her back again and getting the sheets twisted as the dream took a turn for a nightmare.
Jasper silently wondered what he was doing there. Why should he stay, when he seemed to only bring her pain? She was afraid of him, he was the cause of all of her pain as far as he was concerned. What right did he have to be there now? Esme should have been in the room, comforting her while she slept as only she could. Jasper wanted to help her, but he wasn't sure if he could. Would the best way for him to help her be to stay away from her? Esme had told him that she'd asked about him, but, what did that mean? Bella was a worrier, and he'd certainly given her quite the show at the cemetery. So asking about him didn't seem outlandish. What would she say when she woke up and saw him there? He was concerned about it, but he was more concerned about making sure she slept.
He could feel that her peaceful slumber was not lasting as he felt her emotions shifting from calm to panicked. She must have been dreaming, he noted as he watched her. The anxiety in her was starting to build, but he wasn't sure if he should interfere just yet. As he started to move, she whispered his name and Jasper froze.
Why had she called for him?
He looked at her as she turned over, studying her face. She seemed troubled, and he wished he could have been able to see what she was seeing in her dreams. She said his name again and Jasper was still just as stunned. She was calling for him? She wanted him? It didn't make sense to him why she would call his name and not Edward's. The rational part of his mind told him that humans couldn't control the things they dreamed about. It was a subconscious thing, and he had been the last person she saw before falling asleep. Her mind was probably recalling that and that was why she said his name and not his brother's.
The third time, her voice sounded much more frantic and desperate. Jasper did not hesitate any longer. He moved to the bed and looked down at her, kneeling on the floor at her side. He did not dare get much closer. As much control as he'd displayed in the woods, he feared it would not last if he pushed it too far. He didn't understand what was happening, but if Bella thought she needed him right then, then he would be there for her. He gently brushed a few dark tendrils away from her face, then very gently took her hand in his.
"Bella," he murmured softly. "I'm here."
Very slowly, he lowered his head down to lay his cheek against the top of her hand, joined with his. He kept his eyes open, watching her face and features to make sure she was all right. He had not used his power up until this point out of respect for her and for the sake of her grieving. But he did not see a problem with using it while she slept. It would not be stifling her grief and could possibly aid her in relaxing enough to get some actual rest. He sent a calming wave over her, hoping it would help her ease back into a peaceful slumber.
Instantly, it was like Jasper crawled into Bella's head and erased the imagery of the horrific dreams her mind was starting to weave. The chill of his skin soothed her and with the added benefit of the calming waves he sent toward her, Bella was able to easily dip back into a peaceful state. She was still for the rest of the night, save for the fact that her fingers had tightened around his initially. She didn't realize she'd done so and by the time morning rolled around, her grip had gone slack but her hand still remained in his.
It was bright outside the next day when Bella finally opened her eyes. It felt like years since she had been in the meadow, decades since she'd cried herself to sleep on Jasper. But that didn't mean she didn't remember. She was well aware of everything that had taken place in the evening prior from the time she'd written the note to Charlie to when she explained her negative attitude now for wildflowers and their deceptive, symbolic tricks.
Something about today seemed different. There was no telling how that was possible considering Bella couldn't really explain it. But she hoped that signified something positive. She still maintained that the night before had been her lowest point, her breaking point. From there, she could only improve. Maybe that was why she felt somehow different. Maybe it had something to do with Jasper being there when he hadn't been in so long. That gave her hope. If he stayed, perhaps he didn't hate her as much as she thought. She wouldn't blame him for it if he did of course – she deserved his hatred.
But there he was, his chilly fingers still wrapped around hers. Another thing that was different was, that for some reason, Bella didn't feel the awkwardness she would usually expect to.
"You stayed," she observed aloud, studying his face.
Jasper hadn't moved throughout the rest of the night. He'd been tempted, but only to keep her hair out of her face. He stayed still however, knowing that the slightest movement might wake her and that was the last thing he wanted. He'd watched her throughout her sleep, watching her eyelids twitch, the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed, and listened to the steady beating of her heart. The time passed quickly for him as he was rather fascinated by her sleeping. He'd watched before, but never at this close proximity.
It was still very surprising to him that she'd wanted him near. At least, in her sleep-like state she'd called for him. Everything could potentially change when she woke up. She might burst into tears again at the sight of him, or she might ask him to leave. He hoped she wouldn't, but then, he wasn't sure what he was wanting her to do. Jasper had taken for granted that he had several hours to figure out what he should say to her upon her awakening. He hadn't, and now he wasn't sure what to do.
As her eyes opened, he lifted his head and looked down at her. He didn't retract his hand from hers, however. That was something he wanted her to do when she was ready to let go.
"Yes, I.. I wanted to make sure you were guarded," he said. "I'm sorry - I should have asked Esme, I just.. I was already here, so I figured I'd stay. I'll go, if you want me to. Outside I mean, until someone else can get here."
"No!" It didn't take her but a second to answer. Perhaps it happened a bit too quickly in fact.
But Bella didn't want him to go. She felt selfish and somewhat guilty for asking him to stay but... she wanted him to. Though she couldn't understand it entirely, Jasper seemed to make her feel better. She wasn't sure she wanted that to go away so soon. She was sure that she liked holding his hand. It seemed to be a focal point for the comfort that radiated from him. But she also didn't want him to feel like he was being forced to stay. At least, forced to touch her. Actually, Bella wasn't even sure how it had come about that they were holding hands in the first place.
Letting go, she tucked her arm by her side. He would be free to move away if he wanted to and Bella wouldn't blame him if he did. But while he was this close, she could really see the dark color of his eyes. They were worrisome. Not because she feared that she could potentially victimized on account of the fact that he was thirsty, but because she was concerned about the fact that he hadn't hunted in what seemed to be awhile.
"Jasper?" she started. She didn't want to pry, nor to mother him by any means. But she couldn't help it. He had protected her and now Bella would try to protect him as well. "When's the last time you hunted?" She paused before explaining further. "Emmett said you hadn't been hunting much and your eyes… I can tell," she said. It still might have seemed like she was worried about her own well being instead of his. Bella didn't want Jasper to have that misconception. "I think you should," she said. "You would feel better."
It was true that Jasper hadn't been hunting very much lately. As ironic as it was, he didn't have much of an appetite. That didn't mean he wasn't still dangerous. He had no doubt that he would attack any human that bled right out in public if he was presented the opportunity. He just had no desire to go looking. It was effort he didn't want to spend. He'd been too depressed to really care that much. Unfortunately that meant he was constantly on edge and his throat burned with the fire of a thousand suns, to put it lightly.
He was also doing it on purpose. It focused the pain somewhere other than his heart, though he was sure that was always going to be there.
Bella's concern was legitimate. With him thirsty, he was more likely to bite her, to drink her blood and kill her. He understood her inquiry. Genuine concern or not, he knew he was a danger to her regardless. Yet she had said she didn't want him to leave, so maybe she didn't feel threatened. It was all very confusing and he didn't know how to interpret it. He did move, but only to sit on the floor rather than kneel. He didn't want to creak on any floor boards and alert Charlie.
"I'm not sure when I last hunted," he replied honestly. "I've been having trouble keeping up with the days." Never sleeping and being consumed with grief made it hard to remember the date. Jasper frowned a little and looked down. "I just don't really have the desire to go." That was the truth. He just didn't elaborate as to why. He didn't want to put his troubles on her. She had enough on her plate as it was. "I'll go soon. I'm sorry if it brings you unease. I.. I didn't think about that. I apologize."
It seemed he still misconstrued her concerns.
Bella couldn't blame him. She didn't – and wouldn't for maybe quite some time – understand the extent of how much they were similar to one another in their fears. Their frame of mind was nearly a mirror image and with the grief they both felt consuming them at the loss of their mates, it only made Bella and Jasper more alike than either of them realized.
"It doesn't make me uneasy," she said honestly. "It's just not good for you to keep yourself from doing it." If he'd wanted to kill her, he could have done it so easily. Either in the meadow the day before where it would have been all too easy for him to hide the evidence and never speak a word of it, or while she slept not more than two feet away from him. Instead, he held her hand and ensured she rested peacefully. Death was not her concern. At least, not by Jasper's doing.
Sighing, she stretched her legs, yawning in the process. He would be able to feel that she was clam. If anything, aside from her words, that should have assured him that she wasn't fearful of his presence. Sitting up, she looked at him seriously.
"Can I ask… can you please stop apologizing to me?" she pleaded. It may have seemed like a random conversation point, but he'd just done it and Bella did not deserve any apologies from him. They were unnecessary. "You have nothing to be sorry for," she said. "You really don't, Jasper." Her teeth snagged her lower lip and she shrugged. "I don't know why you keep doing it. I should be the one apologizing to you."
Pausing, she looked down before back up at him and clarifying further.
"I… I didn't want to hurt you so badly when I told you what happened. I just… couldn't tell you any other way aside from the truth." She could still clearly remember what it had looked like when his shoulders started to shake and tremble with his grief. "I'm sorry for… putting you through yesterday too. I know you wanted your space. That's why you don't have to stay if you don't want to," she added to make it clear that it was his decision. "You shouldn't feel like you have to."
Jasper could feel that she was not upset with him for being there, which was a relief. He couldn't feel any fear coming from her at the moment, either. She seemed to be fairly calm, all things considered. Her focus seemed to be more on him, about his thirst and his well-being. "
It's tolerable," he said quietly. "It's a distraction." Honestly, he was surprised at how well he had been doing around her the last few times he'd seen her. The burning was hellish, but somehow he'd managed to keep himself restrained. Was it because he was growing stronger? Jasper truly doubted that. He attributed it to the fact that he had been so grief stricken that his depression was dominating his thirst. His sorrow ran deeper than his thirst, and it kept him from giving in to the urge to bite.
"But.. I will go hunting soon. It isn't fair for me act as a protector when I am not at my strongest."
Bella's request for him to cease in his apologies caught him off guard too. He didn't understand how she could say that he didn't have anything to be sorry for when he had everything to be sorry for. He frowned a little and looked away from her, trying to process that thought. He felt so responsible for everything because in his mind, it was the truth. His actions set off the reactions from everyone else and that set everything into motion. Maybe that was part of why he was starving himself so often now. He wanted to punish himself, put himself in as much pain as he could. It was a weak punishment considering all those affected by the crime.
Before he could say anything on the matter, she continued on, telling him of her worries for his well-being after being given the information he'd asked for. He looked up at her again, clearly shocked by her words.
"Bella, I.." he stammered a little, the relaying of information starting to replay in his mind. "I.. asked you to tell me. I made you relive it and I didn't want to do that. I just.. couldn't go on wondering anymore. I hate that you had to suffer in the retelling." He raked a hand through his curls, trying his best not to let his emotions of the memory take over.
"Part of why I left was because I needed to process everything, but.. it was also because I.. I felt.. I feel.. so responsible for everything. I don't understand how you can say I have nothing to be sorry for when all of this, all of your pain, my pain, my family's pain.. it's all my fault."
Bella could sympathize with the need for distraction. Anything that lessened the pain that swelled in her heart was a welcomed addition. But she hadn't been doing anything that would harm her in the manner it could potentially harm Jasper if he didn't hunt soon. He was starving himself. It was a distraction, yes, but it was one that would come at a cost. Bella didn't want him to have to endure the negative outcomes if he continued to refrain from hunting. She was appeased when he said he would go soon, but she wasn't fully satisfied with the fact that he thought the main reason he needed to do so was on account of wanting be the best 'protector' he could be.
"Thank you," she said.
When the conversation took another turn to address the important issue of where to place blame and how apologies were wovem through the context, she felt guilty for the look of hurt that crossed his features, just noticeable before he glanced away from her after frowning. As soon as he looked back to her and started to explain, she shook her head. It was a wonder she even let him finish before shaking her head.
"No, Jasper," she said, sliding off her bed to kneel on the floor next to him. She wanted to be on his level, to be able to look him in the eye and assure him that he was wrong in this. "You aren't to blame for any of it," she said sincerely. "It's me. It was me," she said firmly. "I can't say for sure that you and your family aren't feeling pain as a result of something you did, but I'm almost positive that's not true. What I am sure of is that you aren't the source of mine. You never have been, Jasper," she said.
How could she get him to believe her? How could she assure him that he had done nothing wrong in her eyes? It was killing her that he continued to be so depressed, but she couldn't blame him from being so. She felt that way too. It was funny how she was so determined to ease his pain, but even more determined to suffer through her own. Jasper needed to feel that. Surely, he could feel that she didn't think negatively of him by any means. On the contrary, he was helping to put her back together. She might not have realized the extent of that quite yet in its entirety, but Bella understood that without Jasper having been there the night before, if he wasn't there now, that she would be doing a thousand times worse.
But how to make him see that instead of seeing himself as a threat, a terrible being, as the one responsible? More questions that Bella didn't know the answer to. But she would try. Reaching for his hand, she moved slowly to pull it toward her. She enveloped it between her smaller, warmer fingers and tried to concentrate everything she could about what she was feeling into it – comfort, ease. Jasper needed to understand that she didn't blame him.
"You haven't done anything but help me," she said. "If you hadn't-"
Her words were cut off when she heard the sound of a door closing and footsteps creaking against the wooden floorboards.
Charlie.
He was coming to check on his daughter and picked the moment she was in such desperation to open Jasper's eyes to the truth. Eyes widening, Bella sucked in a breath before letting go of his hand and pulling herself from the floor to slide back into bed, turning her back to the door to feign sleep when Charlie opened it. Her eyes just closed when the door was pushed forward and the chief came to look over the seemingly slumbering form of his daughter.
Bella remained still as possible and silently prayed Jasper was nowhere to be seen.
Jasper had been wanting to say certain things to her for a very long time. Months and months of festering guilt, digging into his conscience and contributing to what was probably the worst depression of his vampire life. Now that he had admitted his fault to her, he wanted nothing more than to apologize for everything he felt he was responsible for. It was an outpouring of his genuine remorse for his actions, and what he led himself to believe was contributing to her pain. If she was afraid of him, then she didn't need to be because he was going to do everything he possibly could to make up for the slip up he had at her birthday party. It would never right the ultimate wrong he felt he caused - the result being the deaths of Edward and Alice, subsequently splicing their joined souls with their lost loves - but if he could ease the pain even the slightest bit for her, he would do whatever it took.
He wasn't expecting her to take his hand. That small, seemingly simple gesture was something that touched the remaining half of his lost, abandoned, and broken soul. It was a healing touch, something he needed so desperately. Jasper could feel her calm, feel that she didn't hold resentment towards him. He didn't understand why, but meant more to him than he felt he could express. Her words of reassurance were unexpected as well. He hadn't seen himself as having done very much. Perhaps it seemed like a bigger deal coming from him because he had always been so reserved, quiet, and kept such a distance from her. There was a large part of him that believed he should still be maintaining that distance. He'd gotten closer to Bella than he ever would have permitted himself before, and yet another part of him was telling him he could never go back to being that distant from her again.
He started to silence her, to tell her she didn't need to ever speak of what happened in the meadow again if she did not wish to relive it, but before he could, he heard the sound of Charlie approaching the house. He did not want to exit out the window before he knew the Chief of Police was inside, else there was the chance of him seeing Jasper escaping his daughter's window. When the door shut and the sound of Charlie's footsteps could be heard, he knew he had a limited few seconds to get out without being detected. In one fluid motion, he was up on his feet after Bella let go of his hand.
"I won't go far," he whispered, and before the door opened he was out the window, disappearing for the time being.
Author's Note: Now we're getting somewhere with these two! The next chapter is much less emotional and a little bit fun when Bella decides to go back to school and Jasper offers to take her. What happens later on when they go back to her house? Stayed tuned for Chapter Five! (Also with some cameos from Jacob and the Forks High crew.)
Lyrics: Juliet - Emilie Autumn