I'm miles away from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
and I pray that something picks me up and
sets me down in your warm arms ;;
Dropping Bella off at school that morning had been difficult. Jasper wasn't really sure why he was having such a hard time parting from her, but he did know that today was different because once she got out of the car, he wasn't going to see her for a long time. Jacob Black was picking her up and taking her god knows where, and he couldn't follow. He couldn't even object to it even though a voice inside his head was telling him he really ought to speak his concern. Bella's safety was of course his main priority. He couldn't protect her if she was with Jacob on his reservation. The only reason he really hadn't said anything to Bella, was that he knew she would probably be safe if she was there. If a vampire showed up on the wolves' territory, they'd probably be able to take care of it. She wouldn't be touched. What bothered him was that he couldn't be the one to protect her, should that happen.
His mind and his heart had been at odds with each other all day. His heart was telling him to go get her, to tell her not to go with Jacob and come home with him. Jasper didn't understand why he was feeling so strongly about having her with him. He knew he was fond of her and they'd grown close, but he had not allowed himself to process it further than that. His mind was reasoning with him that Bella was capable of doing what she wanted. If she wanted to hang out with Jacob, then that was her right and Jasper had to accept that. No matter how much he wanted to protect her, be near her, and make sure she was all right, she wasn't his to protect.
What if she was? he found himself thinking.
That thought stunned him. He'd literally frozen in place as soon as it processed. He must've been crazy.
In order to make both his mind and his heart shut the hell up, he went with Emmett to hunt. They were planning to stay out over night, make a little trip out of it. Jasper thought it would be good for him to get a little distance. He'd had a very overwhelming twenty four hours. The time didn't matter to him, but it was a lot to take in. Getting away and just letting his instincts run wild for a day seemed like a good way to have a break from it all. They'd left not long after Jasper dropped Bella off at school and spent a good portion of the day in the woods hunting bears. It was a great way for him to take out some of his aggression and Jasper wrestled down two bears before his thirst was considerably satiated.
But, it wasn't enough. His thirst was quenched, but hunting hadn't shut up his mind or his heart. He wasn't protecting Bella. He was away from her. Esme was waiting at the house for her to return and he fully trusted his mother's capabilities, but it wasn't enough for him. Not only that. He missed her. It was a startling revelation that Jasper wasn't even sure he was ready to accept, but there it was. He missed Bella. He wanted to see her. He.. needed.. to see her.
Apologizing to Emmett, he ended their trip early. The two drove back to the Cullen house, arriving late in the evening. Jasper wasn't sure if Bella would be back yet or not, but he knew he needed to clean himself up before he went over there. After being out in the woods, wrestling bears and drinking blood, he needed a shower. Once he'd cleaned up and changed his clothes, Jasper took off for Bella's house. He drove the familiar route at an accelerated speed, bypassing laws and regulated speed limits to get their as quickly as he could. Even if she wasn't there yet, being in her room would sustain him until she returned. He just hoped that she would be glad to see him. He parked two streets away and hurried the rest of the way on foot.
Upon arriving, he found Esme sitting comfortably and quietly in Bella's room. His mother was startled to see her son, but did not question him. Jasper tried to explain he just wanted to make sure that Bella had all the protection she could get and even expressed that Esme could stay if she wished, but she put a finger to her son's lips and smiled. She brushed a few stray curls from his eyes and told him goodnight, then left to return to the big white house in the woods outside of town. That left Jasper alone. Alone in Bella's room. This wasn't new to him at all. He'd spent more time in her room than he did at the Cullen house in the last several weeks. It was full of her scent, which wasn't as difficult for him to breathe in anymore. He'd come to find it almost.. comforting. It was so sweet and fragrant, he'd learned to cherish it rather than desire it. That didn't mean he trusted himself completely in her presence, but it was more progress than he expected from himself.
Charlie wasn't there. Jasper wasn't sure if he was on another over night trip or if he was just working late, but it didn't really matter. If he came home, Jasper would know before he even got close to the house. He wasn't concerned about Charlie's arrival. It was Bella who he wanted to see. Jasper took his seat in her window to wait, his head against the pillow she always kept there for him.
Jasper wasn't the only one who found that morning difficult. Bella quickly realized that while he was driving her, she was dreading school again. It wasn't so much on account of the fact that she had to go back. Actually, that wasn't it at all. She would suffer through it because she had to and it was necessary. But the heavy weight in her chest from worry was not because of the day at the high school. It was because it was a day without Jasper. Not only that, but it would be an entire night without Jasper.
Bella hadn't lied when she said she cared about Jacob. She truly did and he remained to be her good friend. He'd been there for her when nobody else seemed to be and for that, she would always be grateful. But with Jake, Bella learned, she never had such an anxious feeling to be away from him. She never had trouble concentrating because she was thinking about how many hours it would be that separated him from her. With Jasper, she did. The idea of being away from him for such a long time seemed like an eternity. All day, she had mentally kicked herself for making such definite plans the day before. At the time, she hadn't been fully thinking it through. She had just wanted to leave with Jasper before either of the men could do something hasty. If she had been thinking clearly, she would have told Jacob that of course they could hang out, but that it would be a little bit later in the evening so she still would have been able to drive home with Jasper. It would have been the smallest consolation.
It did made her feel somewhat better to know that he wouldn't just be there waiting for her. He was making a good use of his time by hunting with his brother and Bella fully supported this idea. She still worried about him and his eating habits. Not because she was concerned that she might be one course of his meal, but because she didn't want him to keep punishing himself by starving when he had no need to be punished in the first place. Saying goodbye had been difficult for certain but she managed with a promise that she would be just fine and that he should have some fun with Emmett. Bella didn't actually know if she would be okay. Of course she would be safe from harm, but she wasn't okay with being away from Jasper. He had become so familiar, such a normal part of her daily routine that she didn't quite know what to do without herself when he wasn't there. She was uneasy and unhappy, the opposite of what she was in his presence.
Jake knew something was wrong. Bella was distant and distracted and he didn't need any special abilities to clue him into that. He assumed it was because she missed the bloodsucker still. Not Jasper. Edward. Jake didn't know why she was still grieving when it had been months. But he did his damndest to take her mind off of any leeches. When he picked her up from school, he took her back to La Push. Billy had been equally as happy to see her as Jake was himself. Bella really had to struggle to pretend to be having a good time. It wasn't that she wasn't enjoying herself - she really liked spending time in La Push after all and with Jake - but she couldn't help but think of Jasper. She knew she would be taken care of. But Bella also knew that if Jasper wasn't there, she wouldn't be taken care of by the person she wanted. Needed. Because that's how Bella came to feel. She needed Jasper. He didn't understand the effect he had on her just by sitting with her. She never felt alone. She never felt like she was half of a missing person. She never felt like a walking open wound.
She just felt like Bella.
The night went a little bit quicker than Bella anticipated in regard to how anxious she was feeling. She wasn't anxious to get home since she knew Jasper wouldn't be there, but she knew Esme or Carlisle would have been. She could just ask them if he was doing all right. Of course he would have been; he was just hunting with Emmett. But asking would reassure her. More than once, she put her hand on her cell phone to debate calling him to check herself. She just wanted to hear his voice. But Bella didn't want to intrude. She was having personal time to herself with her friend and Jasper was having it by hunting with Emmett. The last thing she wanted to do was ever make him feel guilty for not being there. He needed to get away too. She understood that and refused to be selfish and mope about him being gone. It wouldn't be forever. She would see him the next day. That would be enough to give her something to look forward to. The night was spent with Jacob's friends, eating and sitting at a bon fire. Bella had to admit that she had fun and that it worked to distract her. Somewhat. Jasper was always in her thoughts.
It was late by the time she came back. She was puzzled not to see Charlie's car there. Instantly, she panicked, but as soon as she came into the house, a note had been waiting for her on the hallway table. He was gone overnight again for work. He promised he would call and check in on her first thing in the morning, but he wanted her to call him when she got in to ensure she was all right. Of course he loved and trusted Jake so he really had no worries. It was mainly just to calm his nerves at leaving his daughter at the last second. Bella pulled out her phone and went into the kitchen as she called, leaving her bag on the table. After talking to him for a few minutes, letting Charlie know she was all right, she moved up the stairs. Sighing, she opened her door, frowning into the darkness.
When she turned on the light, however, her heart stopped. There, in her window, was Jasper.
Such a flood of emotions hounded her all at once - surprise, excitement, confusion, calm, joy.
"Jasper?" she questioned as if she were seeing things. "I thought you were hunting tonight? Did you come back early?" A second passed before worry entered into the mix. "Is everything okay?"
What if something had happened and he was waiting to tell her. It was unlikely since he probably would have called in that case, but it was still a thought that came to Bella's mind as she approached him.
At least the dog didn't come inside. Jasper had heard the sound of Jacob's car (if you could call it that, really) when it turned onto her street. Immediately his anxiety spiked. He was nervous about seeing her. He'd have to explain why he was there and he wasn't even sure of the reason himself. He knew he missed her, he knew he wanted to be there for her always, but he didn't understand why. What was compelling him so much that it felt like his own immortality was in jeopardy if he wasn't there to protect her? How could he tell her that? He hoped he wouldn't have to. It wasn't something he could put into words yet. It was something he needed to figure out for himself first.
He heard her come in and stopped breathing. It wasn't because he was nervous about his thirst; he'd just taken down two grown grizzlies. It was because he was nervous to see her. Jasper waited, listening for her footsteps. He heard her walking around downstairs, and he heard her talking to Charlie to let him know that she made it home in one piece. He tapped his foot on the floor as he waited, but stopped, not wanting to make too much noise. He heard her coming up the steps then and then the short walk to her room. As soon as the door opened and she stepped in, he stood up. It was a habit, he'd been raised that way as a human and it was one of the traits that stuck with him throughout the years.
So much for stalling. She'd asked why he was there right off the bat. Not before she flooded him with several emotions, ranging from surprise to calm, to confused to worrying. It was a bit much all at once, but he handled it.
"Everything is fine for the time being," he replied. "We got lucky. I managed to get two bears right at the start. So did Emmett, so we came back early. Too many kills and it draws suspicion." Jasper had to breathe, of course, because he started talking. He noticed her... scent was... well, altered. He could still smell Bella, but there was a very strong presence of werewolf there too. He would endure it if he had to, but it was very potent.
"Did you have a pleasant evening?" he asked, then quickly stopped breathing again.
Calm replaced worry when he assured her that everything was fine. It seemed like he actually had a successful hunting trip as well. After he'd spoken, she leaned in a bit closer to look at his eyes as if she were measuring just how successful that trip had been. He must not have been lying - the shade of his eye color was no less than beautiful. Striking. Bella didn't realize she was staring so intently until he asked how her day had been as well.
"It was nice," she said, glancing away for a moment to break the intensity of her gaze. But she couldn't look away for long. His eyes were mesmerizing.
Because of this, it was a wonder that Bella registered the fact that she had just come home from being with Jake all evening. Not only Jake, but his whole pack as well. She must have, as Alice once told her, stunk. Bella couldn't smell anything different about herself, but the last thing she wanted was for Jasper to be so repulsed by her scent that he ended up leaving again. It didn't help that before she was out of the car, Jake hugged her tightly (obviously not realizing his strength as it had hurt just a bit).
"I'm sorry if I... smell bad," she said apologetically, taking a few steps back to give him some space. "I'm going to take a shower," she assured him, moving to her drawers to find some pajamas . Thankfully, ever since Edward revealed that he stayed in her room at night and made a habit of doing so the year before, Bella's wardrobe had improved at least as far as night clothes were concerned. Renee had a hand in that once Bella asked if she could send her the pajamas from Victoria's Secret her mother had gotten her one year. They'd never been worn before that. But when they were sent, there were several more sets along with them. Nothing fancy or scary of course. Just camisoles and bottoms that actually matched and didn't have holes in them or faded colors.
Pulling out a green set, she turned back to him, tucking the pj's in the crook of her arm. "I won't be long," she said. "Make yourself comfortable," she said, trying not to think of how awkward that sounded.
Make yourself comfortable in my room while I go and shower? Bella shook her head at her seemingly apparently oddness. She did want him to be comfortable. He probably wasn't thinking anything strange about her words. Her mind was just dipping into things that it shouldn't have. There was no need to be awkward and as she left her room and turned on the shower, she scolded herself for feeling that way.
Jasper was glad that she had enjoyed herself. He of course would have preferred that he be with her, but as long as she was doing the things she liked and not being miserable and broken all alone, then that was a good thing. He wanted her to be happy and very much wanted to see her smiling again. He knew that deep down, even though he personally did not like Jacob at all, if Bella decided he was who made her happy, then that was the important thing. He would still protect her with his life, but he would do it from afar. Her safety and happiness were the priorities. His eyes were a rich shade of gold, similar to that of his hair but a little more vivid. It was a sharp contrast to the coal black that typically clouded his eyes these days. He realized Bella was looking at him a little longer than she usually did, but he tried not to think on that.
"Oh, Bella, it's not that. I mean, it.. it isn't your scent. It's his scent. It's just that since we're natural enemies, our scents repel one another. It sort of serves as a warning, so we know the other is close by." In other words, she did smell bad. But Jasper would never say that outright to a lady. That just wasn't possible, no matter how well he knew Bella by this point.
"Thank you," he said when she told him to make himself comfortable. The problem with that was, he didn't know how. To him, that would mean lying on her bed to stretch out his lanky limbs, but he thought that would be inappropriate. So he just.. returned to the window. He felt comfortable there because it meant he could keep an eye on things. It just felt safer and he felt it made them less vulnerable if he was keeping an eye out. Jasper leaned against the wall, resting his head on the pillow and stared out at the yard. It seemed silly, as she was just in the bathroom, but he already was starting to feel anxious again. She'd just appeared, and then dashed off so quickly. He knew it was because she felt bad about the dog smell and was trying to accommodate him, and that made him feel a little guilty. But once Bella decided she was going to do something, Jasper learned, there was really no stopping her. He smirked at the thought, then closed his eyes to rest more comfortably.
Bella loved showers.
They were such a good place to think. They were symbolic in that if anything negative was hanging on, you could just wash it away, send it down the drain with dirty water and forget about it for good. The water brought clarity and with it, comfort. Bella turned it to hot, letting the steady stream cascade over her shoulders, washing off the stress of the day that was spent without Jasper. For a few minutes, she just stood under the water and let it relax her. It was soothing, but then again, that also could have had something to do with the fact that Jasper was waiting for her. Her happiness at seeing him was still fresh, emphasized on account of the fact that it truly had been unexpected.
She was eager to see him, talk to him, but Bella wasn't really in a rush. She washed her hair and her body thoroughly, trying to eliminate the scent that lingered on her skin. There was really no way to tell whether or not she did a good job - again, she thought she smelled just fine - so she was blindly hoping. When she was finished, she turned the shower off and toweled herself dry. Dressing in her camisole and shorts, she fidgeted around with the pajamas, trying to get them to sit comfortably. They were nice to sleep in and they felt good against her freshly-showered skin. She would have to remember to thank Renee again for choosing wisely. Bella felt a little bit more... exposed than normally, but she still thought she was modest. There was no way she would have worn them otherwise. She toweled her long hair again, squeezing out the excess moisture but aside from that, didn't bother with it. Stopping by the mirror on the way out though, she frowned at it and scoffed at the way it didn't seem to lay right. Ignoring it, she pushed it over a shoulder and turned the light off.
Upon returning, the sight of Jasper in the window, leaning against her pillow - which was essentially his pillow now since he used it more than she did - with his eyes closed made her smile.
"I thought vampires didn't sleep," she said, closing her door. It wasn't really necessary since Charlie wasn't home, but it was just habit. Crossing the room, she joined him on the window seat, pulling her knees to her chest. "How are you supposed to be a good bodyguard if your eyes are closed?" she jested.
Jasper could hear the water running and the sound of the shower soothed him a bit. He could feel her happiness still and that made him feel indescribably good. He felt like he must've been doing something right if she was feeling so genuinely happy. That was what he wanted for her more than anything else, and getting to be a part of that happiness, no matter how small, was something he took to heart. It had been a very long time since Jasper was what he considered happy. He wasn't sure he was there yet, but because it had been such a long time since he was happy, it was hard to tell. He definitely felt lighter, and he felt more at ease. He wasn't falling apart at random anymore, crippled with sorrow. He still had his moments, but they were more controlled. He was able to bring himself out of them much easier than before. Having a purpose really made a difference.
Having Bella around truly made all the difference in the world.
When the water shut off, he knew she'd bee back soon and he continued to wait patiently. It really didn't matter how long it took, though he hoped it would be sooner rather than later that he got to see her. Jasper heard her enter the room and immediately he could tell a big difference. She smelled like her, and there was no invasion of wet dog mixed in with it. That was Bella, and that was much better. He didn't say anything about it though, because he really didn't want to admit that she'd smelled bad before. He waited until she crossed the room and sat down before his eyes opened slowly and he looked at her. She was so lovely to look at. Jasper had not truly ever given himself the opportunity to appreciate her beauty. It was understated, in a way that she probably didn't even realize how pretty she really was.
That was also very, well, Bella.
His lips curved more into a bit of a sideways smirk and he lightly tapped on the side of his head next to his ears. "I'll hear them before I see them," he replied matter-of-factly. "And when you take away one of your senses, the others become heightened. You have nothing to worry about, ma'am." He ducked back into his southern charm, giving a little nod of his head before leaning it back against her pillow.
Bella laughed quietly at his response. It wasn't as if she really doubted that he wasn't up to par on his watching practices. There was no doubt in her mind that she was safe. With Jasper, she was safe. The two of them talked for a little while and she simply enjoyed being in his company again. But, it had been a long day. Worrying about Jasper, she noted, took a lot out of her. Jake had also kept her busy when she went to visit him on the reservation. They'd eaten a lot; rather, Jake and the rest of the pack ate a lot while Bella and Emily watched in awe, Bella more so than the latter. But that, along with the running around had taken a toll on the brunette and she was feeling it now.
She cursed herself for it. She wanted to stay up and talk to Jasper more, sit with him and learn more about how his trip was with Emmett. Or they could have talked even more about how school had been that day for her, or even the weather for all she cared. Bella just wanted to be near him and hear his voice. But that voice was soothing to her and in this instance, it wasn't so beneficial for helping her to stay awake. She could feel her eyes start to get heavier and her shoulders to relax. Her skin was still very warm and flushed from the hot shower. Since it was nearing the middle of spring, the temperature outside had risen as well and so she was a little bit uncomfortable with the warmth, even though her pajamas weren't at all heavy or confining.
There was a bit of a relief though. Bella was too tired to really care that she probably should have thought things through better. Shifting, she moved a little bit closer to Jasper, tucking her legs beneath her. She could already feel the chill from his skin without even touching him and it, like his presence alone, soothed her. Her thoughts were becoming less and less clear and the hazy mood of feeling at ease made it incredibly difficult to concentrate anymore.
"You have an accent," she said after she yawned. Closing her eyes, she leaned her head against his shoulder. She took a deep breath, inhaling his scent which seemed to put her over the edge when it came to trying to fight to stay awake. Bella had obviously lost the battle and now, was merely succumbing to it. "It's Southern," she mumbled almost deliriously, already part of the way asleep with the way her cheek was cooled by pressing against his body. In a matter of seconds, Bella was out and not far off from beginning to dream.
Jasper was probably not as disappointed with her falling asleep as she was. He did want to talk to her, as he hadn't seen her for several hours and there was a lot of lost time to make up for. But for Jasper, he was just as content to sit in silence while she slept and watch over her. Even though he had quite a gift with words when he wanted to, he found he often didn't need them. That might have had to do with the fact that he could feel the emotions around him and therefore he knew the general idea of what was going on around him. Being able to communicate through emotions made words unnecessary. He didn't need to hear her say that she was calm. He could feel it through how relaxed she was. He could also feel that she was starting to drift off to sleep because he could sense how tired she was.
He'd expected this, but what caught him off guard was how close she got to him as she started dozing off. He passed it off as her just being tired and a bit unaware of what she was doing. It was true that they had gotten close since spending so much time together, but they didn't really initiate touch. She'd playfully punched his arm before, and of course while in the meadow he'd comforted her while she clung to him, and she'd consoled him in the cemetery. But this was different. There was no underlying motivation. She was just leaning on him.
Jasper felt something warm in his chest, and he couldn't quite place it. But it made him wonder if maybe it was a small piece of his heart trying to heal. It was nice feeling; one he did not try to fight. He simply sat very still and let her shift accordingly to get as comfortable as she could in this positioning. Jasper was not quick to respond, though. He did not want to disturb her, after all. He was compelled to put his arm around her, but he wasn't sure if she'd want him to. If her leaning and resting against him was not intentional, it would be very awkward if she woke up to find his arm around her. After all, there was a good chance that in her sleepy-state she was half-dreaming about Edward and placed him there instead of Jasper. He.. liked to think that wasn't the case, though, and that she felt comfortable with him enough to fall asleep.
For as tired as she was, it was no surprise that Bella soon started to dream. It was so rare that she had nights without them. Since Jasper had started staying with her, especially after the night in the meadow, they were less frequent. But they still existed. Another difference was that they were less horrifying. She couldn't remember the last time that one had been so bad that she awoke screaming. One of those that stuck out vividly in her mind had been the one after her emotional breakdown when she dreamt of Edward, Jasper, and ultimately Aro. That had been the same night she'd awoken to find her fingers in his. She remembered it being a morning where she felt the utmost calm, yet bewildered by his lingering presence.
The dream she had tonight seemed to contain a lot of symbolism. She was walking through the woods, seemingly for hours. Even while she was asleep, she could tell that she was lost. It felt like she'd been going in circles and circles with no real pathway to follow. Everything was black and white, the trees, the dirt, the sky - all devoid of color. Finally, she came to a clearing. A familiar one. The meadow. It didn't look quite how she remembered it, however. On one side, it was covered with daisies, so many it looked like a sea of them. On the other, it was wildflowers. Though like the daisies, they were absent of color, the shape and the patterns they made in the grass allowed her to know exactly what kind of flower they were.
Right in the middle was a golden path. Or at least, from far away, that's what it had looked like. What it was in actuality was hundreds and hundreds of daffodils. The color was so brilliant, it was nearly blinding. It was the only hint of color in her dream. As she stepped forward, the scent enveloped her, drawing her in to the middle of the field. There, in the very center of it all was Jasper. He was laying still, looking peaceful, like he was sleeping. His curls blended in with the gold of the flowers and his skin was so pale against them that he looked nothing less than angelic.
It was the most beautiful thing Bella had ever seen.
"Jasper," she said. It wasn't a question, but a statement, as if she had known he would be there all along and she hadn't needed to worry about not being able to find the way through the woods for so long. She mumbled the name aloud as she slept, but in her dream it had been spoken clearly, with purpose. All he did was open his eyes, ones that would have brought forth envy from the daffodils for the color of gold they were, and smiled at her.
'Hi there, Bella.'
She didn't want to wake up. Not from this one.
Jasper was no stranger to watching Bella sleep. He'd seen her sleep several times over the course of his time spent with her. He wasn't even a stranger to her falling asleep on him, as she'd done that in the meadow. This was so very different from that, though. This was unlike any other night he'd spent with her. Jasper felt connected to her in a way he'd never felt before. He felt her, and her happiness as she dreamt. It was so very peaceful in comparison to when she had nightmares and the anxiousness he felt when she was sleeping alone.
He'd been very careful not to touch or wake her. If she was having a sweet, calming dream, then he wanted to make sure that she experienced it in the fullest. He wanted her to get as restful of a sleep as possible. And if she was dreaming of Edward? He wanted to make sure that she slept, but that he was there for her if she needed comforting upon awakening and finding out he wasn't really there. But it was not Edward that she was dreaming of, it seemed. For it was Jasper's name that she murmured so endearingly. It was surprising, to say the least. Pleasantly surprising.
Jasper couldn't help but touch her. He slid one arm around her to keep her braced against him. His other hand very gently brushed a stray few pieces of hair from her face. And very slowly, he leaned his head down to breathe in the scent of her hair, resting his cheek against the top of her head. He wished he could have seen her dream, but he'd settle for being able to feel what she was feeling as she slumbered.
For someone who literally had hundreds and hundreds of dreams, this would be one of Bella's favorites. It didn't end as soon as she had been expecting it to either, which was significant to her. Usually, it was the dreams that she wanted to last forever that ended too quickly and the ones she desperately wanted to wake from that lingered far too long. But this one was working out in her favor. It wasn't very eventful after she found Jasper and he greeted her. In the dream, she laid down beside him, curling up at his side.
It was too real almost. Bella swore she could actually feel him, shivering from the coolness of his skin. As she slept, she did start to shiver. When Jasper put his arm around her, she unconsciously leaned further into his touch, nestling her head against his chest. It explained the cold. While she had been far too warm when she was falling asleep, now it seemed to be the opposite. Her lack of heavier clothing and the open window in addition to the feel of Jasper were to blame. The only things she would have changed though, would have been the first two. Letting go of Jasper wasn't an option.
The cold was probably what was to blame for waking her. She didn't awake with a start. But slowly, her dream faded away and she was brought back to reality. For a couple of moments while she started to open her eyes and adjust them to the darkness, she didn't move further. Once she had become more aware of herself. Bella became more aware of Jasper as well. He was holding her. His arm was around her and he was resting with her just as he had been in her dream. But this wasn't a dream. When she blinked her eyes, she was sure of it.
Shifting slightly, she lifted her head to look at him. The moon was bright that evening and she could clearly seen his features in the light streaming through her window. "How do you feel about daffodils?" she asked.
It wouldn't make any sense to him, she was sure. But Bella couldn't get that dream out of her head. She had felt closer to Jasper than she ever had. It was a different sort of closeness, one that didn't just come as a result of proximity. It extended to something deeper.
It was her heart that felt the closest to him. In a way, it felt as if right now, he was the sole reason it was even beating.
Jasper should have thought about the cold. It was a mistake he wouldn't make repeat should this opportunity ever present itself again. He hoped it would. It was very unlike him to become attached like this, but once Jasper formed such an attachment it was something he didn't let go of easily. If he'd stopped to think about it he probably would have tried to resist. He didn't think he deserved to ever be close to anyone. He had a very difficult time feeling as if he was worthy of affection or closeness with others. This was something he'd been dealing with for decades.
Yet, he wasn't letting himself think about that right now. All he could think about was Bella. His mind was full of thoughts of her, how good it felt to be so close to her, how this was exactly what was missing from their bond before. He wouldn't let any other thoughts enter his mind if they didn't involve her and this moment right now. Jasper made no move to release her, though he was a little afraid when she stirred awake. Just because she was dreaming about him didn't mean she wanted him in the reality.
As she stirred, he lifted his head from resting on top of hers and looked down just in time to see her open her eyes. Her eyes were such a beautiful, deep, rich brown. He really, really wished he had taken the temperature into account, but it wasn't something he'd ever had to accommodate for before. That was no excuse, but it was the truth. He would learn and he would make up for it as best he could. For now though, he just wanted to look into her eyes.
"They're lovely," he replied softly. "But.. I'd rather be looking at you than a daffodil." Jasper lifted his free had to very gingerly brush his fingertips against her cheek. His golden gaze never left her eyes. He felt so emotionally connected to her just then, it was almost unreal.
"Bella..." had she not been sitting so close to him she probably wouldn't have heard him whisper her name.
People always said they could feel heartbreak. Bella knew she had felt it before. It was an almost tangible pain that made it hard to breathe, impossible to think of anything else but the burning it left in its wake. It felt like there would never be anything else to concentrate on except for that misery embedding in one's chest.
But this was different. This wasn't heartbreak. This was the exact opposite. Bella could literally almost feel the broken bits of her hearts sewing themselves together, fitting into neat spaces they had been ripped cruelly from before. It still burned, but this burn was one that was worth living for. This type of burn was one that was longed for. Maybe it couldn't occur unless the heartbreak had been there first. If there was no damage, there was nothing repair. In a way, Bella really had to wonder if pain was worth something if there were moments that could follow like this.
Her heart alternated from stopping at Jasper's words, to speeding up so quickly that Bella thought for a second that it might come out of her chest. He was charming, yes. But she didn't think he was just trying to charm or. Or rather, wasn't going out of his way to do so. His words seemed genuine and she couldn't help to hang on them, find herself utterly captivated by the way he looked just then. It took less than a second for that image to be committed to memory forever. The color of his eyes... It was more beautiful than it had been in her dream. And for once, reality, it seemed was better than anything that could have occurred while she had just been sleeping. She was sure that his voice wouldn't have sounded so soft, his touch so gentle, or her name so delicate in her dream.
Bella didn't say anything. "Mm?" was all that was quietly uttered as she remained transfixed on his gaze.
Jasper was a strategic thinker ninety-nine percent of the time. Most everything he did was planned out, down to the very last detail with little to no room for error. It was his militaristic background that made him think and operate that way. It was just in his nature to always have a plan, to always think logically, to always have a way to get from plan A to plan B. He was known for it; it was why his family was looking to him for guidance in this whole business with the newborns.
However, that one percent of his personality that was not strategic, was the part of him that acted purely on his emotions. It was no secret that emotions made up a great portion of his daily life, and he was very in tune with his own and the emotions of those around him. Sometimes, when his emotions were so passion-filled he could not help but throw all of that strategic thinking out the window and just act on his passion. It didn't happen that often, but it was happening now.
Jasper watched her, one hand lightly brushing his fingers against her back as he held her closer while the other slid from her cheek around to the back of her head. "Bella.." all he could do was repeat her name so very softly, so tenderly, as he leaned down almost painfully slow to close the gap between them. No thoughts were running through his mind. All he knew was that he needed her, he needed her so badly right then. He needed her to feel what he was feeling for her, so she'd know without him having to vocally tell her. His lips parted just as they reached hers, and he kissed her very tenderly. It was soft and unassuming, but unmistakably rooted with a deep passion that was aching to surface.
There was a moment just before he kissed her. When he said her name and leaned in ever so slightly, she knew. There was no mistaking that she was about to be kissed and her eyes fluttered closed just when his lips touched hers.
It was impossible to describe how it felt. Just that initial brush of cold marble against her mouth brought forth so many things happening to her all at once. The burn of the pieces fitting back together in her chest intensified, as if his lips shocked everything into its appropriate place. This wasn't the first time Bella had been kissed, but she knew that this one was different than any other. While she should have learned from the first time that Edward kissed her, took a lesson from the way he pulled back so quickly after she'd actually responded, Bella didn't exactly heed the warning of previous experience. The very last thing she wanted to do was to react too quickly to scare Jasper away. She feared that now. But she also couldn't remain perfectly still to ensure such a thing didn't happen. It was a prime example of when her mind and her heart were battling.
Her mind lost. Badly.
Her heart, now feeling like it was set alight, allowed her to respond to him. It was still very slowly, however. Not frantic and desperate, despite the fact that desperation didn't seem so far-fetched. Perhaps if she could have had the assurance that whatever she did, however she reacted wouldn't cause him to run, then her actions would have been bolder. But for now, they were soft, slow. She tilted her face toward his just slightly, pressing her lips against the chill of his. She felt as if she were dizzy from the sensation, only grounded by the heavy beat of her heart. One of her hands moved to his shoulder while she tried in earnest not to get too carried away too quickly. She'd learned the hard way once. But as with the previous battle between mind and heart, it was emotion that drove this. Bella couldn't help but to put a bit of pressure against the kiss. Jasper needed to know how much she wanted this.
Jasper wasn't sure what to expect when he kissed Bella, mostly because he just hadn't been thinking about the outcome. He just thought about her, about the kiss, and how much he wanted to be close to her. Somewhere along the way, his fierce need to protect her had developed into a genuine fondness and then on into a deep devotion that he couldn't quite explain. The fact that he couldn't explain it was how he knew what he was feeling for her was real and not some passing whim. He couldn't rationalize it, and he was a firm believer that being able to explain one's feelings meant that they were not real. Emotions were not something that one could just simply define. All he knew was that he felt it and he couldn't contain it any longer.
Needless to say, it did shock him when she returned the affection. It would not have surprised him if she spurned his affection and rejected him. If anyone believed he deserved rejection it was Jasper. But Bella did not turn him away, push him back, or jerk from to flee from his affection. She seemed to be embracing it in the way she was touching him and how she'd applied pressure of her own into the kiss. Jasper felt a rush of emotions and adrenaline flooding through him, which were clearly a mesh of his own feelings and hers coursing through his body.
As she kissed him back, he held her closer, almost having her in his lap. Jasper lightly massaged the back of her scalp as he kissed her, feeling her warm, soft lips pressing into his. He continued to kiss her, not wanting the moment to end.
Their bond had strengthened. Bella went from hardly ever having spoken to Jasper at all to... well, kissing him apparently. It had taken time and a lot of healing to get there, but perhaps Bella didn't notice it as much as she thought she did along the way. She knew as the weeks passed that she was growing closer to him just from the way she wished to be around him when they were separated and the way she genuinely looked forward to the time they spent together.
But it wasn't until this night that she realized the full extent of it. In her dream, she could feel it. When he spoke her name, she could feel it. When he hold her closer to him as she slept, she could feel it then too. But when Jasper kissed her... she could feel it. She wasn't just dizzy in general; she was dizzy with him. There was so much happiness in her at the moment that it almost made it hard to breathe. Part of the reason was that it still had been so unexpected. Though Bella was more aware than ever of the fact that she had feelings for him that pushed the boundaries of friendship, she truly didn't think there was a chance he felt the same. He simply wanted to protect her and keep her safe from harm. But it was extremely difficult, even for someone like Bella who often had doubts when it came to others being in any way attracted to her, for her to deny that he felt more as well when he was kissing her.
When he pulled her closer, she not only allowed it, but aided him as well. Her hand on his shoulder tightened in a gentle squeeze while the other moved to his neck. Her fingers splayed against the column of it, the tips getting lost in his curls. Because of the fact that she was feeling so breathless at being surrounded by Jasper and the emotions that radiated from him, she had to actually catch her breath. Pulling back ever so slightly, so little that she could still feel his lips on hers, Bella took in some air for a half of a second. That was all she needed before kissing him once more in earnest, pulling him closer still.
This was supposed to be difficult for Jasper. Being around her, it was supposed to hurt, to make him miserable because of his thirst. He was supposed to be afraid he'd hurt her, kill her, savagely rip her apart as he drank all of her blood. But he felt none of those things. He felt he happiness, and he was so close to his own happiness he could almost taste it - taste it in her kiss. He knew this was dangerous and he knew that even if he didn't feel the danger creeping up on them, he should have been so much more cautious or even denied himself this release of emotions. But he couldn't. For the sake of feelings and in the hopes that it might help her in some way, he had to go through with this.
He was so, so glad that he did.
Lacking the need or oxygen, Jasper could have kissed her for days. Bella, however, was a living, breathing creature. She needed air and so when she broke the kiss, he feared the worst. But Bella kissed him again after she took the breath she needed, and that mended another piece of his heart. She wanted this. She wasn't just kissing him to be polite only to reject him twenty minutes later. Bella was kissing him on her own. She wanted him as he wanted her. He could feel it. And it was a beautiful feeling.
He didn't want to get carried away. After all, he was a gentleman. Jasper kissed her a moment longer, lips lingering and tasting for the first time. With much reluctance, he pulled away from the kiss, but stayed very close to her. He stroked her cheek, opening his eyes to look down at her again.
"I can't possibly apologize for that," he said quietly. "I meant it."
He meant it. That was all Bella needed to hear. Jasper didn't pull away with regret, didn't suddenly come to his senses and leave because he realized this was a bad thing. It could have been a bad thing. Bella would have been lying if she said she wasn't impressed by his strength. He seemed to be tolerating his scent well and being this close to her - enough to lock his mouth with hers - her surely had to have been feeling somewhat overpowered by it.
Yet that hadn't stopped him. Bella admired him for that. Of course it might have been partially because she was reaping the benefits of his self-control, but either way, she felt just as strongly for him when he'd pulled back as she did when he first leaned in. Though she already missed the feel of his mouth, she liked his words just as much and was satisfied with having those for now.
"You won't hear any arguments from this end," she said with a grin as she looked up at him. The fingers on his neck moved to the nape of it to gently stroke the soft hair there in a soothing manner. Even though his skin was still very cold, Bella felt flushed now. "I had a dream about you," she said fondly.
Jasper like he could fly just then. But even if he could, he wouldn't have. He just wanted to be close to her and hold her to him. He wanted to be kissing her again, gazing into her eyes, touching her. It was all so much at once that it really was overwhelming him, but he was so wrapped up in the emotional connection he had with Bella that he was somehow managing to handle it. He was taking a big risk by being so close to her, but he just wasn't strong enough to deny his feelings anymore. Her vocalized confirmation that she wanted this just as much was all he needed to know he'd made the right decision - though when she'd kissed him herself just a moment ago, that was enough too.
He lightly combed his fingers through her hair and half smirked down at her. He, of course, knew she had been dreaming. Her dreaming was what gave him the motivation he needed to instigate the physical closeness they were still engaging in now. When he heard her say his name so softly, he knew he had to take a chance. It was that dream that had made this moment possible. He knew that, but she most likely did not. Jasper did not want to embarrass her by saying he knew she'd dreamt. He wanted her to tell him about the contents anyway.
"Did you?" He asked, leaning in to brush his lips against her cheek. "Was it a good dream?" He flashed the tiniest hint of a grin in her direction.
To any outsider, it might have seemed like they were moving a little bit fast. But Bella knew that if they had any indication of the emotional ties between the two of them, that perhaps they would have bitten their tongue. Emotional bonds were not something that could be seen always - though she imagined that if someone was watching them now, it would be hard to deny that they cared about one another after viewing their exchanges now. But rather, it was something more to be felt. Without having to ask him, Bella was confident that Jasper could understand that. She knew that emotions were a significant part of him and that part was one of the many that drew her in like a moth to a flame.
Her cheeks blushed when his lips descended on one of them. She would never be able to control the fact that she was very prone to pink cheeks, whether from embarrassment or flattery. Currently, it was the latter of the two.
"Mhm," she said, nodding. "I was lost in the woods," she started. "Everything was completely black and white and I felt like I'd been searching for the right way home for hours. But then, I came to the meadow where you found me before. You were laying there, right in the middle," she said, grinning at the memory of the dream. "There were hundreds and hundreds of daffodils around you," she explained. She didn't tell him what surrounded the daffodils on both sides. There was a slight fear that she might hurt him in doing so. That was something Bella desperately wanted to avoid if at all possible.
"It... was the most beautiful thing I think I've ever seen actually," she admitted, the blush deepening to a warm shade of pink on her cheeks. "That's why I asked you how you felt about them," she said, the hand on his shoulder moving to brush a stray blonde curl away from his forehead.
Jasper couldn't take his eyes off of her as she started recalling the dream she had just moments ago. He was listening, but his emotions were building within him again and all he wanted to do was silence her with another kiss. He was so caught up in that, that it made it a little difficult to focus on the words that were coming out of her mouth. He did get most of it, though. When she called it the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen, he looked down for a moment. That couldn't possibly be true.
His mind managed to catch up with his heart in that moment. Beautiful? He wasn't beautiful. He was a monster, she just couldn't see it. She saw the camouflage, the illusion that he had flawless beauty and an ethereal presence. She didn't see the jagged scars that covered his upper body. Even on his face, two crescents marred the skin over his left brow. She had no idea what a repulsive creature he was beneath the facade. It wasn't fair for him to keep her in the dark about that, and he knew he'd have to tell her sooner rather than later. She deserved better than that. But as he looked at her, as he held her and stroked her hair, he just couldn't tell her. He couldn't bring himself to say any of those things. It was selfish, and it was wrong. But he couldn't stand the thought of upsetting her now. Not when she looked so happy. Not when he could feel how happy she was.
"Ah, and the conversation comes full circle," he said, lifting his gaze back up. He dismissed his previous thoughts, focusing again only on here and nothing else. He took her hand after she brushed away one of his curls and brought it to his lips, kissing her knuckles. That was when he saw goosebumps on her arm.
"Bella.. I.. I can't believe I was so careless. You're freezing." He gently let go of her hand and closed the window. How could he have been so stupid? Of course she was cold. "You should get under the covers. I don't want you to get sick. Your hair was damp too. I.. I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking."
Though Bella didn't know Jasper's full story - or actually much of it at all - she knew she wouldn't feel any differently about him than she did now. He would still be the same person no matter what he looked like or where he had been in the past. He would still be the one who made her heart feel like it was more than just a pile of ashes, that there were other feelings in the world aside from misery and pain, and that this was worth it all.
Her heart flip-flipped when he snagged her hand before she dropped it and kissed her knuckles so softly, it was almost as if he feared breaking them. Jasper was such a gentleman. Thee realization, or rather, her late connection, earlier of his Southern drawl allowed her to put two and two together that there was a reason he was raised to be such a proper boy. It was utterly endearing. Truth be told until he'd mentioned it, Bella had forgotten all about the cold since she woke up. He reminded her of it now and she would admit that it was definitely chilly, but not enough that it would risk pulling her away from his arms.
"That's because you were distracted," she said with a grin. Tilting her face upward, she pressed a reassuring kiss to his lips.
Even the smallest touch of them made her feel a hundred times warmer and safer than any security blanket would. But Bella didn't want to make Jasper feel badly about causing her to get a chill so with a sigh, she pulled herself away from him to stand. She didn't even take a step further though before extending her hand to him. "Will you come with me?" she asked hopefully.
It didn't feel like it would be nearly enough for her just to simply sleep in the same room he occupied tonight. She needed to feel closer to him. Of course, Bella would still understand if he said he couldn't because he feared it would be too much. She didn't want to overwhelm with by surrounding him constantly with her scent and making it harder to impossible for him to breathe. Shad no idea what time it was, nor did she care. It felt like for the time being, everything was endless. The clock near her bedside read that it was after three in the morning, but even the glowing numbers seemed insignificant when she thought about Jasper. A part of her, a very child-like part, was still wondering if this were some sort of elaborate dream she concocted as a manifestation of her feelings for him. It seemed likely to do such a thing when she finally came to terms with just how strongly she felt about him. There was a way of testing this theory though which touched upon that childishness. "But first," she said, regardless of his answer to her previous question of invitation. "Can you- Don't laugh-" she added with a mock warning look, "-maybe just... pinch me? Please?"
Jasper was so incredibly taken with her. For him to be such a gentleman around her took no real effort; that was just how he was. He'd always held women in an especially high regard, and those he was close to were made privy to this gentle side exclusively. Aside from that, once anyone else looked past his seemingly cold and pained exterior, Jasper actually was a very well mannered "young" man.
That did not mean he was a prude, though.
Along with his disposition to be a gentleman, Jasper was very, very passionate. Bella would come to find that out soon enough, if she permitted it. "I was distracted," he agreed, returning the grin just as her lips met his. He kissed her back and was sorry that the kiss ended.
Her request left him torn. He did want very much to go with her. Jasper felt that being in a room with her but out of reach from touching her would be even crueler than to be separated for miles. He realized his attachment to her might be a little strong, but that was part of just how passionate he was about her. He was hesitant for two reasons. One was, indeed, because he feared of his control. He'd made some serious efforts that night by giving in to his emotions and being so close. It made him very nervous to try to push his limits much further so early on. Then again, how would he know if he didn't try? His other concern was that from being curled up in her bed with her, he would be thoroughly distracted from keeping watch outside. There was no doubt in his mind that he would protect her regardless, but he wanted to take preventative action, not wait until trouble was right at the window. He felt so strongly for her, but he did not want to let that get in the way of his need to protect her.
He couldn't possibly deny her, though. He would just have to alert his other senses, as he'd talked about before. He'd listen closer, and hopefully he'd be able to sense the vicious feelings of any predator outside wanting to cause her harm. That would have to be enough, because he didn't have it in him to tell her no. Jasper took her hand, but had positioned them so that he was holding hers as if he'd extended his to hers instead. He stood up, and grinned down at her.
"I'm afraid I might pinch a little too hard, ma'am. That'd be awfully rude. I'm sure there's something else I could do." He kissed her hand again, then laced their fingers and slid his other arm around her waist. He leaned down and kissed both of her cheeks. "Does that convince you that you are not sleeping?"
There wasn't a doubt in Bella's mind that Jasper would protect her should an opportunity arise that called for him to do just that. She had complete faith in him - now, more than ever. Though she was an independent person and like doing things for herself, something about being protected by Jasper wasn't such a bad thing. She actually liked it. She liked knowing that she wasn't alone and that he would take care of her (or at least, help her to take care of herself) if anything dangerous or predatory presented itself . Such things seemed to have a habit of following her. The day before when she even had gotten the cut in gym class, it was a prime example of how easily it was for her to get hurt. Though in that case, she had to take care of herself in order to taker care of him.
Her cheeks blushed again when he spoke in that sweet accent and again, treated her so gently with affectionate gestures that she wondered if he were trying to preserve glass. It seemed like she would constantly have to get used to blushing in his presence from then on out. She knew that Jasper would always be able to tell when she was as well, and Bella would never be able to conceal it considering the rush of blood to her cheeks. Hopefully, he wouldn't mind that as much as she was embarrassed about it. Her eyes followed their hands as he kissed the back of hers before threading their fingers together. The difference in temperature was striking, but Bella was more captivated by the way they seemed to fit.
"That helps," she admitted, smiling up at him. "But I might ask you to remind me frequently."
Regretfully letting go of his hand, she moved to her dresser drawers and blindly opened one to pull out a long-sleeved shirt. Tossing it on over her camisole, she figured it would help a little bit with the cold, or at least, it would be something that could appease him and his worries about her getting sick. Then, she moved to her bed, which was still made from that morning and pulled back the covers. Crawling in, she shifted to move as far to one side as she could have (which, on a twin bed, was not very far), and waited for him to come and join her. "I'm sorry for the lack of space," she said apologetically. Jasper was a lot taller and a lot lankier than she was. She would understand if he wasn't comfortable.
The flush to her cheeks caused the rush of her scent to reach him. His throat burned, but it wasn't intolerable. Having just fed that day, and fed well, he thought probably had something to do with it. Jasper watched her as she turned from him and put on a different shirt over the one she was wearing, then climb into bed and wait for him. The whole idea of crawling into bed with Bella was something he was going to have to get used to, but he was looking forward to it.
He slowly approached the bed, a less severe and much more serene look on his features. It was true that there wasn't much space for two people in her bed, but he'd manage. As long as she was comfortable, he didn't really care much about himself. Slowly, Jasper slipped into the bed and turned onto his side facing her. He kept one arm out, invitingly, in case she wanted to get closer to him (not that they weren't close already).
"You have nothing to be sorry for." Quite the contrary. Jasper felt he should be thanking her. This small amount of space brought them even closer together, both literally and metaphorically. He liked it, and thought he probably liked it more than if they had bigger bed to lay in together. He kissed her forehead softly and lightly stroked her arm. "I'm quite comfortable."
There wasn't a moment's hesitation when Jasper extended his arm from her that Bella didn't take advantage of it. She adjusted the blankets around her, making sure they covered her shoulders to help protect her from the cold. She was cold and trying very hard not to allow her teeth to chatter. It wouldn't be all that far-fetched for him to immediately regret joining her in bed if he saw once more how cold she was. Bella, on the only hand, would gladly endure having goosebumps and chattering teeth if it meant that she could stay this close to Jasper. That was an advantage to having a bed of this size. If left Bella plenty of space if she was sleeping by herself, but if there was someone else in the picture, it wouldn't allow would anything but close proximity.
With Jasper, she preferred it that way. She too, turned on her side to face him, reaching out an arm to drape across his torso in order for her to snuggle in closer to him. Her legs probably would have tangled with his had they not been confined and stuck in the covers. Bella's eyes closed for a moment and her nose scrunched ever so slightly with a happy grin when his lips brushed her forehead and he assured her that he didn't seem to mind her small bed.
"Well, still tell me if it bothers you," she told him. "I don't want you to feel obligated to stay if you should get uncomfortable." And she didn't. It didn't seem fair that she would be asleep soon and unaware of any discomfort, while Jasper would be painfully aware of it until she woke up. "I mean it," she said with a smile as she ran her hand up and down his back. "I know you have that whole Southern gentlemen thing going on," which she loved, "but I never mind when you're honest."
If she could have, Bella would have stayed awake for the rest of the night. The two of them didn't even need to talk - she just wanted to lose herself in the color of his eyes continually. That would have made her quite content, truth be told. But now, since she was warmer and soothed by Jasper's fingers stroking her and his presence allow, exhaustion started to haunt her again. Until it became too much to bear, she did content herself with watching him. But as her eyes because heavier and harder to keep open, Bella gave into the battle of sleep. Before she actually drifted off though, she made sure to tell him goodnight, pulling herself closer to him in the process and tucking her head beneath his chin before allowing her eyes to win and closing them.
Author's note: So tell us: Were we right? Did you like this particular chapter? Now things start getting fun. Keep a lot out for Chapter Seven in which Jasper and Bella find their special place. Their 'meadow' so to speak. Up soon! Cheers!
Lyrics: Snow Patrol - Set The Fire to the Third Bar (which happens to be one of our favorite songs)