I'm updating, mainly because this my only free day in a little while. Thanks to all who reviewed, and to those who said that they wanted to learn about Kendall's past, this chapter tells a little about it, about where he knew James from, and about Logan and Kendall's friendship.
The name of this chapter is a lyric from Dark Side by Kelly Clarkson, and the first chapter's name is from Don't Give Up by Kevin Rudolf (WWE SummerSlam 2012 Theme Song XD)
Remind Me Who I Really Am
"This is a man in need. His fear is naked and obvious, but he's lost. . . Somewhere in his darkness. His eyes wide and bleak and tortured. I can soothe him. Join him briefly in the darkness and bring him into the light." ― E.L. James , Fifty Shades of Grey
For the first time in his life Kendall was scared.
He was scared to enter the theatre, scared that if he did, he would be faced with Logan.
A Logan who hated him.
Because after twenty years, Kendall had grown so dependent on the boy, he couldn't even imagine his life Logan-less. Logan was the reason he was still breathing, the reason why he was walking into the theatre right now, Logan was the reason why Kendall didn't give up yet.
But if Logan's given up on Kendall now, Kendall didn't know what he would do. He felt like such an idiot for playing with Logan's emotions multiple times, he felt as if he was just using Logan and the boy was letting him do that.
God, Kendall had imagined himself to be fearless, braver than anyone else, but he realized that no one can be truly fearless, everyone has a secret fear.
And Kendall's biggest fear was losing Logan.
Kendall bit his lip and looked down at the ground. Below his hard metal exterior was a little boy, longing to just erase the entire past and start over.
Logan was the only one who knew the real Kendall, and he was the only one that Kendall trusted.
Losing him now...
Kendall shook the negative thoughts out of his head, but it was so hard.
His hand rested on the door, and, taking a deep breath, he pushed the door open.
...
Kendall stood in the aisle, looking up at the stage. Besides the three people he'd chosen, there was a boy who was bobbing happily, a helmet on his head, an African-American girl, and a blond guy. Camille was running up and down trying to get them in order. There were also a bunch of people behind them, who Kendall assumed were the dancers and backstage helpers.
Kendall sighed and looked down at the cup in his hand, wondering where the hell Logan was.
'Ah. The lost wanderer returns,' a voice droned from behind him.
Kendall whirled, to find Logan staring at him. There was no smile on his face, no forgiveness in his eyes; there was nothing, nothing, to ease Kendall's heart.
Kendall forced a smile, and the same old fear rose up. He pushed it down and forced a smile. 'Uh... Logan,' he said awkwardly. He suddenly remembered the cup in his hands. He thrust it out to Logan like a robot being jerked by strings. 'Here. I bought this for you.'
A small smile tugged at Logan's lips as he sipped it. Then a big smile broke out on his face, and Kendall blew a sigh of relief. 'Mocha. I love this shit.'
'Logan... look. I'm sorry, okay?' Kendall said, but then he realized that the smile never left Logan's face. 'What are you smiling at? I'm trying to give a heartfelt apology here, and you're there smiling like an idiot. Do you know how scared I was that you'd leave me?' Kendall said, his bottom lip trembling as he felt a rush of emotions.
Logan immediately got serious. He hadn't seen Kendall this emotional since he was seventeen. Normally there would be an understanding between them, and the blonde knew that Logan always forgave him, no matter what he did. Logan was never really one to hold a grudge.
But seeing Kendall standing there, he realized that something had to have happened, something had to remind him of what he used to be.
'You remember James,' Logan said softly, looking into those beautiful eyes.
Kendall looked at Logan with wide eyes, and again, the memory of the boy holding his hand in the rain surfaced. He pushed it away, burying it.
'N-No,' Kendall said, his voice shaking. 'I don't remember him.'
Logan sighed. 'You don't want to. I told you already, Kendall, the past is what made you who you are-'
'No,' Kendall interjected forcefully. 'My past is not what made me who I am.'
'Kendall,' Logan whispered sadly. The broken boy who Kendall kept down for eight years was slowly surfacing. He pulled the boy in a hug, rubbing his back. 'It will be alright, Kendall.'
Kendall looked mournfully at Logan. 'Will it?' He asked, before a small smile crossed his face. He had Logan. Logan didn't leave him.
His outer shell snapped back to life and he stood straighter, turning on his heel. 'Let's hear my future dogs.'
As soon as Kendall turned, and before Logan could warn him, Camille had stormed up to him and slapped him across the face.
Logan expected Kendall to brush it off like he usually did, but instead, the blond acted reflexively, curling on himself, and wrapping his hands around his body. Immediately Logan knew what was happening.
Shit.
'Fuck it, Camille, what is wrong with you?' He snarled at the girl, shoving his coffee cup into her hands, and pulling Kendall around just as the boy's chest heaved.
The girl looked at them bewildered. 'But- He- I- He left us! He used you, and left you! He deserves at least one slap!'
Logan felt it as soon as it happened. Kendall's wall came crumbling down, and his hand clutched to Logan for support. He was trying not to cry, Logan realized.
He shot a glare at Camille before pulling Kendall outside and into his car, telling the driver to carry them to Kendall's house.
Kendall rested his head on his knees, trying to retain control on his emotions. Logan rubbed his back.
'You wanna talk about it?' he whispered.
Kendall nodded into his knees before sitting up. 'It was just – when she slapped me, I felt it. All over again,' he whispered, biting his lip, and looking over to the sympathetic eyes of Logan. 'I felt it, and I tried to push it away, but it came too fast, and then she said-,' Kendall choked, tears building up in his eyes. 'She said that I- I-' Kendall wiped his tears away, he didn't care about the powder and shit being messed up on his face. 'I used you,' he said, his voice a little stronger. 'And I left you.'
'Kendall,' Logan said wrapping an arm around the blonde's shoulders. 'I forgave you. Remember that. I'm terrible at staying mad at people I love.'
Kendall didn't respond, he just stared out of the window blankly.
Logan sighed. He remembered when he fell in love with Kendall, at the age of thirteen. The boy had been so broken then, and Logan had been longing to comfort him. Now twelve years later, and Kendall was in the same state again, and once again Logan didn't know what to do.
He wasn't in love with Kendall anymore, but he still felt a need to protect Kendall from himself. His mind drifted off to after Kendall had left him and Camille in the theatre, a hyper boy had come in, for Chad's part, and he made Logan melt. Actually, it was more like Logan was already melted, and he now was evaporating.
But now wasn't the time to think of cute boys who Logan may or may not have a crush on. He glanced over at Kendall who was still staring out the window, his throat working. Logan thought of all the times he kissed Kendall, and had sex with him, just to make the blonde forget everything.
And he didn't regret a single time.
They were closer than brothers, so it didn't mean anything to either of them, yet in a sense it meant so much to Kendall, Logan knew.
But Logan didn't know what to do now. He wasn't sure how Kendall would react. He hadn't seen Kendall this emotional since he was seventeen, and quite frankly, it scared the brunette.
Even he wasn't that emotional when Kendall broke his heart. Ok, maybe he was way more emotional.
Logan ran a hand through his hair. What was he going to do? Kendall didn't want to remember the past, and that same past was haunting him.
...
'What's wrong?'
The soft childish voice made Kendall look up from his depths of despair. He was sitting on the stairs in front of his house, waiting for Logan, but there were tears rolling down his cheeks as a sign of what he'd been thinking of. He'd called Logan before, asking him to meet him, to tell him that he was tired of life, that he was ready to give up.
He met the boy's eyes, and they were the most beautiful shade of hazel, and it made Kendall melt. Those same eyes were looking at him expectantly.
Kendall wiped the trailing tears away quickly. Before he could answer, however, the boy spoke again.
'It's alright,' he said, sitting next to Kendall. 'You don't need to tell me. My momma tells me that I'm very nosy for an eleven year old. But you shouldn't cry. It's a sign of weakness,' he said looking up at Kendall with a smile on his young face. 'It shows your enemies that they're winning, that they're getting to you. You shouldn't let them do that. Act like you don't care, and then eventually they'll get tired of you, right?'
Kendall studied the young child, wondering how he knew all of that stuff. 'What if it works against you? What if your enemy continues to battle you; determined to make you weak?'
The boy smiled up at Kendall. 'Then never give up. Never let them know they're winning. I don't know your problem, but I think that if you don't let go, and you don't give up, you'll win.'
How, Kendall thought, how is it possible that an eleven-year old could possibly know that he was ready to give in and give up?
He looked at the young child with respect, and was about to say something, he wasn't even sure what, when Logan came running up.
'Kendall,' the brunette said breathlessly, as the blonde stood to meet him, and hugged him. Logan glanced at the boy, smiling down at him. 'You have pretty eyes,' he said to him.
The boy blushed. 'Thanks.'
'Logan,' Kendall said, bringing the boy's attention back to him. 'Why were you running?'
'Gosh, Kendall,' Logan said, 'I'm so sorry, I can't stay. Can you forgive me this once? My mother's going to visit my grandparents and we're leaving in ten minutes. I have to go. I'm so sorry.'
Kendall stared at the boy who was always there for him, who was his best friend since he was five. 'Of course I forgive you, Logan,' he said. 'Now go before they leave you!'
He pushed Logan, the boy thanking him silently with his eyes. Kendall sat back down, his head in his hands. 'Is that your best friend?'
'Yeah,' Kendall answered with a smile on his face. 'I knew him since we were five.'
Suddenly rain began to pour heavily and Kendall groaned. He looked over at the boy. 'Hey, thanks for the advice. But you should get home.'
The boy smiled at Kendall, and got up, before slipping on a step and landing on his ass. He winced, as Kendall shot up to help him to stand.
When their hands met, there was some sort of connection. They stared into each other's eyes, the younger boy just mere inches shorter than Kendall.
He broke the gaze by tiptoeing slightly and kissing Kendall on the cheek before running off. Kendall stood there, rubbing the cheek that the boy kissed, staring at the retreating figure through the thick sheet of rain. How is it possible for a fifteen year old to feel a connection with an eleven year old?
There were so many answers that Kendall wanted, but he couldn't get. He smiled slightly, feeling happier than he'd been in so many days.
He walked up the stairs slowly, the giddy smile never leaving his face, and kicked off his soaking wet shoes, and took off his coat and hung it up.
As he turned around, a hand slapped him across the face and sent him reeling.
'So you're a paedophile now, Kendall?' a snarling voice said.
Kendall put a hand by him mouth, it came back covered in blood. 'What?' he said, spitting on the ground.
A punch in his gut sent him to his knees. 'You know what I'm talking about asshole.'
Kendall groaned as a swift kick was delivered to his side. He fell to the ground, pain all over, not only from this beating, but also from before.
'Fucking little boys now? We'll see about that. You can't do that if I cut off your dick.'
Alarm filled Kendall and he staggered to get up. 'Please. I don't know who he is. Please sto-'
Slap.
Punch.
There was a crack and Kendall dropped to the ground, unable to hold himself up. He could feel pain, pain everywhere, but he couldn't figure out what had broken. Was it his hand? His foot?
He felt something trickle from his nose. Fuck. The bitch had broken his nose.
Now his abuser was coming back with something in their hand, he couldn't even see properly.
He was numb, his entire body filled with past and present pain.
'You stupid fool. It's your fault. Your fault-'
Kendall shut out all sounds. He was going to die. He was sure of it. He opened his eyes just once and saw someone staring at him as his attacker continuously hit him with whatever was in sight.
He didn't even bother to plead for help. He just closed his eyes and blacked out.
...
Kendall awoke, gasping for breath. He could feel the pain all over, the pain that his-
No.
He'd promised himself that he wasn't going to remember it, that he was going to forget everything. He was going to let go of his past, and live for the future.
'Had a good sleep?'
Kendall jumped before noticing Logan sitting in the armchair opposite his bed. Kendall rubbed his forehead and swung his feet off the bed, standing up. There was a dull ache in his head, and his neck was killing him.
He grunted in response to Logan's question, and walked out the room to the kitchen. He needed something, anything to distract him.
He walked into the kitchen, and poured himself a glass of vodka. As soon as he turned around, leaning against the counter, Logan was there, taking the glass out of his hand.
'We had a deal, Kendall. Remember? You have to stop drinking. It's bad for your health.' He tossed the glass out the window, and there was a faint crashing sound after it fell.
Kendall groaned. 'Who fucking cares?' He said, grabbing the bottle of vodka and raising it to his mouth. Logan sighed. Admittedly, he wanted to take the bottle out of Kendall's hands and toss right after the glass, but he decided that Kendall needed it.
'I care,' Logan said, pulling him into the dining room, and pushing him on the couch, sitting next to him. 'What did you dream? You were sleeping peacefully, then you began tossing and turning. I tried to wake you up, but you punched me. So, I left you to dream.'
Kendall glanced at Logan, and rested the bottle on the glass table. 'I dreamt... About James... And what happened after I met James.'
Logan looked at Kendall sharply. The boy was staring blankly into space. 'And?' He prompted.
'I realized why I wanted to keep the past hidden away.'
Logan opened his mouth to speak, but then Kendall spoke again.
'And I also realized that James is part of the reason I am what I am. He was the one who told me I should act like I don't care.'
Logan sighed for what seemed like the hundredth time that day. 'So?'
'I don't know, Logan,' Kendall said, standing up and pacing. 'Every fucking time I see him, I'm going to be reminded of my past, I'm going to be reminded of every single fucking time that that fucking douche bag-'
'Whoa-' Logan said, standing up, and holding on to Kendall's arms. 'Listen to me, Kendall. Forgot what I said about the past is what made you who you are. No, it didn't. Just listen to me.'
Kendall groaned and looked at Logan. 'Listen to me, Kendall. For eight years, you've been pushing away the real you, the broken Kendall, and you've been surviving. Way better than you were surviving as a teenager. For eight years, you've portrayed the hard-back Kendall, and for eight years, no one could take advantage of you. That's what we want. And if you did that by forcing yourself to forget the past, then so be it.'
Kendall sighed. 'Tomorrow you have to be at the theatre for seven o'clock, Logan. Can you make it?'
Logan grinned. 'That's much better. I really can't stand it sometimes when you just won't stop freaking out.'
Kendall rolled his eyes. 'But honestly, James is fucking sexy.'
Logan shrugged. 'I've got my eye on someone else. So James is all yours.'
'Really? Who?' Kendall asked, and when Logan shook his head, a mischievous glint in his eye, Kendall grinned and began to tickle him. 'Tell me who your secret lover is, Logan!'
Logan shook his head, not giving in, but unable to hold in the laughter. He fell on the couch trying to fight away Kendall. 'Stop... Tickling... Me..' Logan managed to say between breaths.
Kendall shook his head, straddling the boy. It was as if they were teenagers again, teenagers that had no care in the world.
If only.
I hope you liked it. I'll try to update soon. I've a question I'm dying to hear the answer to: Who do you think used to abuse Kendall? Tell me who you think it was ^.^
Love Always, ChelziXD