On vacation in Barbados, and I'm paying 15 bucks for WiFi, but what the hell, I might die without it anyways.

Thanks everyone for the Jamazing reviews ^.^ I love all of y'all :) As you guys probably realized, this story depends a lot on Kendall's past, so there's going to be a lot of flashbacks. But only important ones though.

Chapter name is from 'Innocent' by Taylor Swift (Thanks Wynter :P)

Who You Are Is Not Where You've Been

Love hurts. Boys lie. Friends Cry. People Die. Parents yell. You always try. You're never good enough & you don't know why. - Unknown

'Kendall! It's time to leave!' Logan said, banging on the blonde's door.

Kendall groaned and pulled open the door, glaring at the brunet. 'I'd rather be fashionably late than unfashionably early,' he retorted as he strutted back into his room.

'Kendall!' Logan screeched, because, well the blond had no clothes on. He was walking around naked as the day he was born, and he seemed proud of it. 'Put some clothes on! We'll be late!'

Kendall slid open his closet door. 'Dear, dear Logie. Please do calm down and help me choose what to wear.'

Logan groaned and flopped down on the blonde's bed. It was normal to see Kendall naked, because they'd known each other for twenty years, and seen each other naked for at least half of those years, but Logan was really, really worried about reaching to the theatre late.

Kendall flipped the switch next to the closet door, and the rack of clothes began to rotate. Glittery, shiny clothes swung by as Kendall looked at Logan expectantly.

Logan sighed. 'Stop,' he commanded, and Kendall flicked the switch off. 'Wear that,' he said, pointing at a red and black plaid shirt.

Kendall raised an eyebrow and considered it. 'Fine.'

He put on his boxer-briefs and pulled on his skinny jeans- which stuck midway around his calves. 'Logan, help me!' He said as he began to jump and wriggle his way into it.

'Stupid idiot,' Logan muttered, as he walked over to Kendall. 'Why do you buy pants that are two sizes smaller than your usual size, Kendall? That's pretty stupid.'

Kendall rolled his eyes. 'Just help me.'

So Logan grabbed one side of the pants, and he and Kendall pulled and tugged at the pants until it was pulled all the way up. Kendall took a deep breath and buckled it quickly.

He pulled on a black vest, and put on the shirt over it, before quickly applying his make-up.

'Let's go, Logie!'

Logan looked at his watch and groaned. 'We're already twenty minutes late, Kendall.'

Kendall smiled at him, his green eyes sparkling. 'It's called fashionably late, Logie. Now let's go.'

Logan rolled his eyes and walked out the house with Kendall. 'Where's the driver?'

Kendall pressed the remote to open the garage door. 'I called and told him not to bother. I want to test out my new Audi A6,' Kendall said grinning.

Logan glanced at the car appreciatively. 'Just get me to the theatre in less than ten minutes, Mr. Show-Off.'

Kendall's smirk grew wider. 'Challenge accepted.'

Before Logan could protest, Kendall jumped in the car. Logan entered too, before the blond left him. He exited the garage and sped off down the road.

...

Kendall entered the theatre, followed by a dazed Logan. They had arrived at the theatre in five minutes flat, although the drive would normally take twenty minutes. Kendall grinned and Logan who rolled his eyes at him.

Camille was already there, handing out what Kendall assumed were scripts to the six actors. He walked up to the stage and frowned as he saw the same boy wearing the helmet, and he was still bouncing excitedly.

'Who the hell is that?' He said.

'That's Carlos Garcia,' Logan said, coming up behind him, a clipboard in his hand, reading from it. 'Twenty-one years, has ADD, has been wearing a helmet since he fell from a tree and suffered a severe concussion when he was seven. Also acted in Gustavo's musical with James.'

Kendall huffed. 'Why does everyone have to act in Gustavo's musicals?'

Logan smiled. 'Let's face it, Kendall. 'Stavo's been in the business longer than you were, and all the actors you worked with before are probably hiding out somewhere to get away from you.'

Kendall rolled his eyes. 'Just tell what's-his-name to stop fucking bouncing or I'll fucking cut off his legs.

Logan grimaced. 'No! He's too cute. Let him be.'

Kendall looked over at Logan in surprise, but said nothing. Then it hit him. This was the guy Logan had a crush on. A dark wave rose in Kendall, an unknown emotion. He felt hollow inside, as he recognized it, slowly.

Jealousy. He was fucking jealous of Logan's crush. Kendall swallowed thickly and shook it off.

...

'Okay, punks,' Kendall said, clapping his hands together gleefully as if he was about to tell them a story. He looked at the six persons in front of him, an evil glint in his eyes. 'Here's the rules. You're going to do what I say, when I say it and how I say to do it without any questions. I'm not worried about the girls, but guys, I will rip your dick off and shove it up your ass, until it comes out your fucking mouth, okay?'

Five actors nodded quickly, fear hinting in their eyes at the malice layered in Kendall's tone. But James sat there, a small smile on his face, staring at Kendall, unfazed. Why the hell is he doing that?

Kendall wanted more than anything to stomp over and kiss that smile off his face and run his hands-

He cleared his throat. 'You're going to have to work day and night for the next three to six months without one single fucking peep of complaint out of any of you. Let me hear one single complaint, or rumour of a complaint and I will shave off your hair and make you walk around naked for the rest of the time your life you spend around me.'

Kendall glared at them, and was a little pleased to see even James' smile falter a bit. Almost immediately he felt bad.

'So, all in all, don't give me what I want, you're gonna be embarrassed, and I will make sure you never walk in public without people laughing at you. Otherwise, I'll just kill you. I'll stalk you down and burn your house or put a bomb in your car... if you don't do what I say.'

With that he smiled brightly at them, as if he had just thanked them all for coming there, and summoned Logan with a snap of his fingers.

He looked at the clipboard with the list of names on it, barely understanding Camille's shitty handwriting. 'What the fuck is wrong with your handwriting, Camille?'

Camille grabbed the clipboard. 'It's perfectly okay! What's wrong with it?'

'I don't understand shit on it.' Kendall tapped a finger against his chin. 'Okay, whoever's Chad, go with Logan,' he said as the annoyingly happy Latino jumped up, a big smile on his face, and in the corner of his eye, he saw Logan blushing.

A cold fist clenched around his heart, and he had half a mind to tell the guy to get the fuck out of there and never come back. What the hell was wrong with him? What was wrong with Logan having a crush?

Kendall knew the answer to that. He was only accustomed to Logan's attention on him, all Logan's attention on him, and he wanted to be the only one that made that goofy smile come on his face, that look of adoration.

Kendall sighed. He was being so selfish. 'Um... Sharpay, Taylor and Ryan, you're with Camille,' he said, glancing at the two remaining, Jo and James, who were Troy and Gabriella.

Take James. You two could go in a room, and he'll fuck you into oblivion.

Kendall swallowed, hard.

Take James.

No. He couldn't. He was afraid he'd do something he'd regret, he'd say something he'd regret.

His eyes met James' and they connected, and it was almost a déjà vu feeling.

Take James, his mind repeated. He tore his eyes away from the hazels, and rested on a figure at the doorway. Was that Dak?

Kendall swallowed a sigh of relief. 'Logan, take Ja- Troy and Gabriella. I have to talk to Dak.'

He walked up to meet Dak. 'Let's talk in my office.'

Kendall's 'office' was backstage, near the dressing rooms. He opened the door and threw himself on the couch, as Dak settled in an armchair.

'What the fuck do you want, Dak?'

Dak rolled his eyes, used to Kendall's persistent harshness. 'I have some news for you. You have an interview tomorrow, and-'

'What?!' Kendall screeched, shooting up from the couch, and staring at Dak. 'I told you, Dak. I told you that I don't want to do any interviews! What the hell is wrong with you?'

Dak shifted in his seat uncomfortably. 'It's just to talk about your musical, Kendall! Nothing other than that... I think.'

Kendall groaned and sank down into the couch. Interviewers liked to ask questions, and Kendall never knew what was coming. He never knew what they would ask, and he was afraid they ask him something about his mother or his sister-

No.

He couldn't do it.

'So you'll do it?' Hope was layered in Dak's voice.

He couldn't.

Almost unwillingly, another voice rose up in his mind, young and sweet. So you'll do it, Kendall? And you'll get it for me?

He pushed it down, but it was as easy as trying to lift a Mack truck with one finger.

He hated this. He hated that he couldn't be happy. He hated his life. He just wished that his past could erase itself.

'Kendall?' Dak's voice broke through Kendall's thoughts. 'Are you in?'

Kendall forced a smile onto his face. 'I'll tell you tomorrow Dak. I just need a rest right now.'

Kendall didn't even notice when Dak left. He was too caught up in his own thoughts.

He wanted to be happy. He wanted to be free from his past. He wanted James...

Kendall buried his head in his knees, and for the first time since he was seventeen, aside from those dramatic tears, he cried.

...

'Kendall! Come on son, let's go.'

Eight year old Kendall raced down the stairs to meet his father, who stood by the door waiting for him. His mother drifted by, a large clothes basket in her hand, placing a kiss on Kendall's forehead, and on his father's lips.

'Kendall!' a young voice caught his attention.

He turned to see Katie, running from the living room to meet them. His mother wished them good-bye as she continued on, to wash the clothes.

'Yes, Katie?' Kendall stooped down to talk to the four year old.

'I want an ice cream fudge sundae! And tell the monkeys hi.' She said in her cute baby voice.

Kendall was going to the zoo, after days of begging, and he couldn't wait. He could hear his father calling from the garage.

'So you'll do it, Kendall? And you'll get it for me?' She asked, staring at him with puppy dog eyes.

Kendall nodded. 'I'll tell daddy about the ice cream.'

He raced down the stairs, after shutting the door firmly. He sat down in the car, smiling. 'I can't believe we're finally going to the zoo!'

His father smiled and reached over to ruffle his son's hair. 'I know, Kendall. Now you have to promise to behave good, okay?'

Kendall nodded again and it seemed like so much promises he had to keep. His father reversed out of the driveway onto the road.

'Katie said she wants an ice cream fudge sundae,' he said.

His father grinned. 'Doesn't she always want that? And she never could finish it.'

Kendall shrugged. Katie was going to get it anyway. She was spoiled by both parents, but Kendall didn't mind. He loved Katie just as much.

They stopped at a red light, and Mr. Knight looked over to Kendall. 'What do you want?'

Kendall shrugged. He never really liked to ask for anything. 'Nothing, really. I'm fine.'

Mr. Knight frowned. 'Are you sure?'

Kendall was about to respond, when he heard a loud noise, and Mr. Knight looked past him with wide eyes.

'Kendall!' he yelled, and as the blonde turned to the right, he saw a large bus coming at full speed towards him. Mr. Knight unbuckled his seatbelt, and threw himself over Kendall, just as the bus rammed into the side of the car, by the back. The car flipped once, twice, then came to a standstill, upside down.

There was glass everywhere, and screams filled the air. But all Kendall could see was his father. Mr. Knight had cushioned the impact for him. He groaned under Kendall.

'Get out,' he croaked horribly. And Kendall climbed out the window, scraping his hands on a broken shard of glass.

'Daddy,' he said softly, turning back to the car window. 'You can come out now,' he said, tugging at the limp hand. 'Daddy,' he whispered again, dread rising in his stomach.

There was no response. Mr. Knight lay there in a pool of blood, and Kendall's scream was louder than anyone else's.

It was his fault. Because his father had protected him, and now he was dead. It should have been him. He felt a warm liquid trickle down the side of his face. He touched it and his hand came back bloody.

And then the rest of the world fainted into darkness.

...

Kendall awoke suddenly, his heart pounding. He didn't even remember falling asleep.

His father had died protecting him. Daddy...

Kendall whimpered. What the fuck was wrong with him? All of a sudden, after eight years of hiding his emotions, forgetting his past, and looking towards the future, and the future only, he just couldn't control his emotions.

Where was Logan?

...

Kendall stormed into the theatre, determined not to let anything bother him again. He just needed Logan, and that was it. He saw Logan laughing along with Carlos, by the stage.

Jealousy rose up in him like a hot flame. He stomped up to Logan, and grabbed his hand. 'C'mon, Logan. Let's have hot sex.'

He pulled the protesting brunet away, feeling pleasure as he saw the shock on Carlos' face.

He pulled Logan into his office, slamming the door.

Logan stood there frowning at him. 'What the fuck was that, Knight?'

Kendall whimpered. He'd fucked up again. Shit.

'I'm sorry Logie,' he whispered.

'Next time think before you act, idiot,' Logan said, folding his arms, before turning to leave.

'Please don't leave me,' Kendall pleaded softly.

Logan sighed, and turned to face Kendall, shocked at how vulnerable the blond looked, stripped bare, all his emotions raw and plain for Logan to see.

'Kendall,' Logan said quietly, before walking up to the blond and hugging him, forgiving him in an instant.

Kendall bent his head and kissed Logan harshly, pushing the boy back towards the wall, running a hand up his shirt.

'No,' Logan whispered, pushing Kendall away a little. 'Having sex isn't going to solve all of your problems, Kendall.'

Kendall sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. 'You're right,' he said, dropping on the couch, resting his head in his hands.

Logan sat next to him. 'Who you are is not where you've been, Kendall. You need to try to live with your past somehow.'

Kendall raised his head, staring at him blankly. 'I had another dream,' he said, 'about my father's- his accident. I can't go on like this, Logie. I can't. Not when everyday is going to be an inner turmoil for me. I don't think I can ever sleep again.'

'Just do whatever you were doing all along, Kendall. Just forget it. You have a play to direct for the next three to six months, and you have to work on your music career. You're a millionaire, Kendall. You can get anything you want. What more do you want?'

Kendall stared at Logan for a while, before turning away. 'To forget the past,' he whispered. 'I want to forget the past.'

Even Logan had nothing to say to that.

What could he say?

So... It's not his father, nor is it Carlos... Any other ideas? Tell me :) I love hearing your ideas. They help me to write :P

Please review x)

Love Always,

Chelzixxx