Blinded to see
The cruelty of the beast
Here is the darkest side of me
Forgive me my sins ;;
The past couple of weeks had been filled with trips out to the abandoned fairgrounds, late night talks, hours worth of kissing, and occasionally they'd work in time for Bella to study for her final exams that were rapidly approaching. Jasper was good at helping her with her history work, though he sometimes got a little passionate about the inaccuracies in her book. Really, no matter what they did, Jasper was content. Laying with her at night was probably his favorite thing to do, though. He loved to watch her sleep. Bella often talked while she was slumbering, and Jasper liked to try to piece together what her dreams must have been.
That night, he'd wanted to get her to bed early. Jasper felt guilty about always keeping her awake until the wee hours of the morning and leaving her sleep deprived while she was at school. He'd been pretty adamant about getting her to go to bed at a decent hour, insisting they do her homework while they visited the carousel. Fortunately Charlie was out that night, having gone to La Push to help Billy with something or another and decided to stay over. Jasper didn't really care about matters concerning the wolves and their families. All he knew was that it meant he could walk Bella inside through the front door instead of letting her go in that way and having to sneak in through her window. His family had gone hunting, but were due back by morning. He'd most likely have to go hunting soon himself. His eyes weren't completely black, but they had darkened considerably with only a thin gold ring around his dark irises.
While Bella took to getting ready for bed and washing up in the bathroom, Jasper went to his usual perch in her window. He felt he hadn't been spending enough time keeping watch, but it was difficult when all he wanted to do was lay next to her at night and focus only on her. It was true that there'd been no news on anymore mass killings in the surrounding areas, so the thought that this had all been a fluke and the danger had passed wasn't far-fetched. He wasn't too quick to believe that, simply because it was in his nature to be cautious. He'd always be on his guard with Bella anyway, no matter what. Even if the threat truly was passed, Jasper would protect her with his life. That was his priority now, and always would be. That was why even now, while she was just one room away, he was antsy. He wanted her near, he wanted to be able to see her. He wanted to call out to her, to ask her to come back to him now, but he wouldn't interrupt her. He just turned his gaze back outside while he waited for her to come back into her room.
Bella was happy that the weeks seemed to be passing by more quickly. While there were times when she wished hours would stretch on forever – all of the time she spent with Jasper felt like that – there were other things that she wished she could go without. School, of course, had been the biggest. It felt as if it were even more overwhelming with the knowledge that it would soon be over. The thought was liberating and Bella could only imagine how much time she would have to spend with Jasper once her days weren't so consumed with her schooling. But even studying wasn't all that bad when he was her tutor. She had grown quite fond of him asking her questions and praising her when she got the correct answer. Often, that praise came in the form of a kiss which was Bella's favorite reward for hard work.
But while the stress of schooling might have increased, the anxiety over the killings in Washington did the opposite. It had been awhile since Charlie came home from work and reported a new case with worry lines streaking his face. It was a comfort to Bella that her father was able to rest a little bit easier since the spree seemed to have come to a stop finally. The same held true for the Cullens. Carlisle was especially pleased that they'd ended and he checked in with Bella often to see how she was faring. Of course the family knew that Jasper was spending time with her, but she knew that none of them could have possibly had any idea how much time that was exactly, and what they engaged in to occupy themselves during it. She was quite sure that they would be shocked to learn that hours of kissing and cuddling were common practice and a part of their everyday routine.
Ever since that first day that she and Jasper found the carousel at the fairground, Bella was more in tune with her feelings toward him. Hearing about his life and his experiences touched her heart and she frequently asked him to tell her more about his human life, even if he didn't remember. Sometimes, he would just repeat the same things he'd already revealed which appeased Bella just as much as new insight did. His Southern drawl was her favorite thing to drift of to sleep to. Not a day went past that she didn't find something else to adore about him. The brunette had a feeling that wouldn't end anytime in the future either; he was always such a surprise. A lovely one at that.
For as much as she hated being away from him and keeping him waiting, Bella started to take longer in the bathroom each day and night. For one thing, after she would shower, she would dry her long hair. She was aware of the fact that he felt better when he wasn't concerned about her being cold and when her hair wasn't damp, it worked to keep her warmer. She'd also taken to dressing more carefully. Her clothes, though thin enough to be comfortable to sleep in, usually were long-sleeved and full pajama bottoms. They would have surely been too warm to sleep in had she not had Jasper's cool arms holding her while she slept.
On this night when she'd finished, running a brush through her long, dry hair to tame it as best as she could and make it look nice despite only going to sleep on it soon enough, she returned to her room to find him there as per usual in the window. Approaching him, she wrapped her arms around him from behind, resting her chin on his shoulder and giving him a squeeze and a kiss to his cheek. Then, she crawled onto the window seat beside him, leaning against his side and grinning up at him.
"Miss me?" she teased.
Jasper was relieved when he heard her finishing up in the bathroom and coming back to the bedroom to join him. He just always felt better when he could see her and be in her presence. It put him at ease to have her close, as he could protect her much better, and he just enjoyed being with her. As she came to sit next to him, Jasper slid an arm around her and lightly stroked her arm.
"Of course I did," he said, and turned his head to kiss temple. "How could I not?" He grinned and nuzzled her cheek, then just held her to him.
It still surprised him that he was able to be so close to her without going insane. A short time ago he would have frenzied just from being so close to her, let alone kissing her and cuddling with her at night. He wouldn't have been able to handle the burning in his throat as he thirsted for her blood. But Jasper had endured a pain so severe that not even his thirst could compare to it. The pain from his loss and his broken heart was unlike any pain he'd ever felt before. It was because of that pain that he was able to handle what formerly hindered him.
"You need to get to bed," he said softly, and turned to kiss her lightly. "You've barely gotten any sleep the past several nights." Jasper started to rub her back slowly. "I don't want you sleep deprived." There were times when he envied her. Being able to sleep was something he always wanted. He wanted to be able to sleep, rest, have dreams. He could sleep vicariously through her, though. He'd take what he could get.
"Go lay down and I'll tuck you in. And by tuck you in, I mean lay down with you." He offered her a small grin, then kissed her temple again.
"Mm," Bella mumbled, closing her eyes when he told her that she needed to get to bed and proceeded to kiss her softly afterward.
Sometimes she had to wonder if he did it on purpose, being so gentle with her and soothing as he was now by rubbing her back, in order to get her to go to sleep easier. Bella found sleep to be both a blessing and a curse. It was needed and she felt immensely better in the morning when she awoke after having a full night of rest, but at the same time, she hated that it took her away from consciously being with Jasper. Of course, he was frequently in her dreams more than anything else, but it wasn't the same of being fully aware of and being able to appreciate his actual presence. He did have a point, however, about her having some trouble with it recently and the lack of adequate sleep was beginning to catch up with her. When he mentioned that she needed it, she knew he was telling the truth.
Still, she wanted to stay awake with him. "I'm not tired," she argued. But her body and her exhaustion betrayed her just as she'd spoken and she yawned a moment later. Looking at him sheepishly, she nodded her head.
"All right, all right," she said, coming to terms with her defeat.
It wasn't all bad, after all, if he just promised to come and lay down with her. Getting to her feet, she stretched before finding his hand and linking her fingers through his for the ten step walk to the bed. It was a prime example of how much she hated being without touching him for long, a physical indication of the fact that he was really there and she was able to feel the chill of his skin.
Letting go of his fingers, she pulled back the covers and crawled into bed. It was a bit too warm at the moment with her choice of clothing and the fact that there were two thick blankets covering it in addition to her sheets, but it was only a matter of seconds before that would be remedied. Settling herself down, she reached for Jasper when she was situated, wrapping an arm securely around his middle so she could lay her head down on his shoulder, her face tucked near the crook of his neck. It was her favorite way to sleep and without a problem, Bella would have been content to lay there for days and days without moving.
"You're wearing me out with all of your studying," she remarked sleepily, yawning again. Her lips moved to brush against the column of his neck, seeking out the comforting cold.
Jasper expected her response to be pretty much what it was. She always fought off sleep as hard as she could, and Jasper did find that to be both endearing and amusing at times. Especially when she got so tired she'd start saying incoherent things. He'd always humor her until she finally did fall asleep on him or give in and go to bed. Either way, he'd take care of her throughout the night. He watched her as she got up from the window seat and took her hand so he could follow her to the bed. He let her get situated comfortably, then couldn't help but grin as she reached for him. It was adorable, really, and it made him feel incredible to know that she wanted him so close to her. Bella trusted him enough to sleep in his arms, when she was at her most vulnerable. Jasper wasn't sure she realized how important that was to him.
He laid down with her and let her curl up on him as she always did. She'd layered up with her clothing and blankets, which made the cold more bearable, he hoped. He knew she still had to be cold at night, but there wasn't much more they could do. He thought about purchasing her an electric blanket and figured he'd look into that soon. Fortunately they were getting close to summer, and though Forks still always had its cloudy skies, the weather would warm up and the cool air wouldn't be quite so present. Jasper watched her as she laid against him, his arm beneath and around her so that his hand could lightly stroke her back.
"I'll try to go easier on you," he said softly, and kissed her forehead.
This was supposed to be a night like all of the rest that they'd had recently. She was supposed to fall asleep and start dreaming, he'd watch her and listen to her speak, comfort her to keep the bad dreams away, and wait for the sun to rise so that he could wake her for school. But something was wrong. Something was out of place. He could sense his own calm, and Bella's. He could even sense the distant neighbors' calm emotions as they settled in for the night. But there was something out there, something.. unpredictable.
He didn't move; not at first, anyway. Jasper stayed very still. Too still. Had they gotten careless? Jasper looked down at Bella, not wanting to disturb her, but knowing he absolutely had to go check. The feeling was getting closer at a very fast pace, and it was beginning to overpower the calm all together. He kissed the top of Bella's head, and gently pulled his arm out from beneath her to let her stay settled in bed. He wasn't foolish enough to think that hadn't awakened her, but he hoped she was sleepy enough that she'd doze back off. Standing up, he crept to the window and started looking out, scanning the yard and as far as he could see.
It wasn't long before Bella drifted off to sleep, much to her disappointment, but as per usual. She slumbered peacefully, dreaming of nothing of significance as she remained curled into Jasper. It was funny how though she should have naturally repelled the cold as she slept and pulled away from it, she actually pulled him closer, tightening her arm around him more tightly in an unconscious move as if the rest of the world was what was the source of the cold and Jasper was the only thing keeping her warm. And safe.
But that comfortable safety was soon to be tested in a way that neither of them would have been expecting. When Jasper moved, Bella stirred and rolled over, but she didn't wake fully, just mumbled his name and went back to sleep. Everything seemed to have greatly improved as far as the newborn attacks went. It had been at least a month since Victoria had been in her room while Bella was unaware of it downstairs in order to obtain her scent. But perhaps their relaxation had been their downfall. Perhaps, the clever cat-like vampire had been hoping for a lax view on the situation in order to continue with the steps of her plan. And now, she was starting to put those steps in order.
Bartholemew was Victoria's 'second in command' if ever there was a newborn that was capable of possessing such a title. She saw potential in him and through clever manipulation, she tempted him into doing whatever she wished. His affection for her was a driving force that let him believe it. And thus, when Victoria needed to obtain Bella's scent again, it was a true test to see how well the newborn vampire would succeed. He'd been studying the scent on the clothes that were stolen the first time and he could have tracked it down so easily, it was as if it were a snap of the fingers. On this night, that was what he did. He waited, upon Victoria's instructions, until it was nightfall before he stalked the house where the girl slept.
As Bartholemew grew closer, he recognized another scent – one of his own kind. Instantly, he felt possessive. Who was already there? Had his lover sent another in his place to do the job instead? Was there another predator after the human's blood before his Victoria could carry out her well-constructed plan? The thoughts only increased not only his speed and determination, but his anger as well. The unfamiliar vampire scent drew him from the woods behind Bella's house, mingled with the scent of the human's blood, a ripped a growl through his throat as he filtered into the yard. When he did, the sight of the offending figure loomed in the window. Instantly, the newborn's mouth filled with venom, blood-red eyes darkening considerably. It was but a second longer before he made the move to pounce.
There was a certain scent that all newborns carried; they were more potent than aged vampires, having just been brought into this world. Their venom was thicker, their bodies more durable. Jasper had not taken in that scent in many years, but it was a scent he would never forget. He'd opened the window, and immediately he was able to pick up the scent in the night air. A newborn was nearby, and closing the gap between it and Bella's house at a rapid pace. They'd been careless. He couldn't even wake Bella to call the family for back up. They were at least one hundred miles away. No matter. He'd controlled hundreds of newborns in his time. He could handle one.
He saw it, emerging into the yard. Its teeth were bared, and he heard its threatening growl as he started circling the ground. Jasper gave a defensive growl in return. He could tell, this was a strong one. It had enough control to walk down a human-infested street without attacking. That complicated things. Jasper did not risk turning to look at Bella, even though he wanted to. She was surely still sleeping, but he called out to her anyway.
"Stay in the house, Bella!"
In the blink of an eye, he'd leapt from the window and caught the newborn in his grasp, the two wrestling to the ground. Jasper snarled and hissed, shoving him back away from the house. He curled into a defensive crouch, allowing himself a couple of seconds to study the physique of his foe. Jasper was much leaner; Emmett would have been the proper choice for this battle. But Jasper was quicker, smarter, and knew what he was doing; he'd taken down several newborns just like this one in order to maintain his status in Maria's army, to maintain his status as her mate.
Jasper knew that a newborn's attention span wasn't very driven. He was serving as a distraction from the main goal. As long as Bella stayed away from the window, he'd be able to keep the vampire's attention on him. He was the current challenge, he was the focus of the newborn's attention. They weren't exactly multi-taskers. He snapped his teeth again and beckoned him forward, turning his head to one side. He needed to see the style of fighting he'd be up against. Right now it just looked like he'd be attacked head on. That was a typical newborn tactic. He just needed to see if this one could think outside the box.
With the way Jasper shouted to her, there was no way that Bella could have mistaken reality from a bad dream. Immediately, she snapped awake, sitting up and looking bewildered. Her eyes looked on Jasper just before he leapt from the window and instantly, she tensed.
"Jasper?" she called, feeling panic begin to creep through her veins before anything could even process as to what was exactly going on. When she heard the growls, she ignored any common sense that told her to stay exactly where she was and in with speed that was impressive even for a human, she scrambled out of bed and hurried to the window.
What she saw was frightening. Her blood ran cold when the sight of Jasper wrestling with a demonic looking vampire invaded her reality.
"Jasper!" she cried out, her hands banging against the bottom of the window sill.
He was by himself. He was fighting this newborn thing (she assumed it was a newborn in any case) by himself. Bella knew something about newborns after the killings started. They were extremely strong and fierce fighters. And currently, one of them was engaged in a battle with the person she loved. Loved. Yes, she loved him. If ever there was something that threw her feelings into place and locked them into the correct puzzle pieces, it was this. And her heart was on fire with worry and anxiety watching him now.
She was frantic. Whimpering with frustration and worry at the window for a moment, she debated running outside. She had to help him. There was no way she could just stand there and watch this. If something happened to him…. That was it. She ignored his warning and turned from the window. Stumbling twice, she made it to her door, first grabbing her cell phone and frantically trying to dial Carlisle's number. By the time she made it to the back door to the yard, there was still no answer. Standing in the doorway, she clutched onto it with one hand to keep herself upright, while the other continued to dial another number. When Emmett didn't answer either, she threw the tiny phone against the ground and groaned in frustration. What could she do? She had to do something. She couldn't – would not - let anything hurt Jasper.
They'd been circling each other, growling warnings at the other and snapping teeth. Jasper could see the venom dripping from the newborn's teeth, but showed no sign of fear. He had venom too, after all. They kept faking each other out. Jasper would feign a lunge, and the newborn would jump back, then the opposite would occur. It wasn't until Bella came to the door that things changed.
Jasper had heard her calling out to him and knew that the newborn had to have heard her voice too, but when she appeared it was enough to jar the larger vampire's attention. Bella was a particularly potent human, with a beating heart and blood running through her veins, and because Jasper had reduced him into a frenzying newborn, his natural state, he'd forgotten his control and his objective. Having Bella so close was enough to push Bartholemew over the edge.
The newborn ran past Jasper towards Bella, his eyes wild and thirsty for her blood. He was snarling, ready to kill her in that instant.
Jasper had whipped his head around to see her just as she came to the door. He cursed, then ran towards Bella. It didn't matter if he was stronger, he just had to get to Bella before Bartholemew. He did, because he was much faster. Jasper pivoted once he got between the two and lunged forward to collide with the newborn head on as he'd done before. This time, with the newborn already prepared to bite, Jasper suffered a consequence for his defensive action.
He'd felt this sort of pain before. The only thing that could pierce a vampire's skin was the teeth of another vampire. He felt the newborn sink his teeth into his shoulder, and the burning sting of the venom starting to spread. Jasper hissed, but did not recoil.
"Get back in the house!" he called to Bella, but did not tear away from the newborn.
Instead he kept fighting. He pushed him off, then lunged at him again and the two tangled in a fierce fight, clawing at each other, trying to tear each other apart. Jasper landed a couple of bites himself, but also took a few more. Each time they broke, if the newborn lunged at Bella, Jasper was there to stop him. Neither was seeming to waver, or showing any sign of backing down.
The next time they collided, it sounded as if two trees had fallen against each other. Jasper managed to catch Bartholemew's arm and wrench it out of the socket. That was the move he'd needed. It threw the newborn off and sent him back several paces. Jasper lunged at him again and twisted his arm further, drawing a howl from the other creature. Bartholemew retreated back further, growled, then ran off. Jasper followed at first, but then stopped. He couldn't leave Bella unprotected. He stopped at the edge of the yard, but continued staring down in the direction that the newborn had taken off. His eyes were black, his hair an unruly mess of curls, his shirt torn. The gaps in the torn material showed several angry red wounds as the venom began taking the shape of the scars that would be in its place. He was still, not even breathing. Jasper had not had to fight like that in a long time. But he'd come out victorious. There had never been a shred of doubt in his mind. He couldn't fail. He had to keep her safe.
Bella so desperately wanted to close her eyes and make everything disappear by just thinking about it hard enough. But there was no way she could tear her eyes away from the scene, not from Jasper. She knew she had made a mistake when she called out from the doorway and immediately, she regretted it. When she watched the newborn sprint toward her, she had time to take one step back before Jasper cut him off. Her eyes were wide, her heartbeat raging, and she cowered in fear from the kitchen, a few steps further from where she'd stood before.
This was like it was in Volterra all over again. Angry red marks appeared on Jasper's pale skin and each time a new one was given, a piece of her heart broke. She felt so worthless standing there. Bella didn't realize she stopped breathing for a moment until she gasp when she saw the newborn bite Jasper's shoulder. The sound he made pierced her very soul and she reached out to him. But there was nothing she could do. She stood, frozen to the spot, her lower lip trembling as she resorted to all she could do – pray and hope that he would be all right. It wasn't like she didn't have faith in Jasper; she did. But the fear that something, anything would happen to him was nearly crippling and it flooded her with doubts.
It felt like hours had passed before it was over. When it was, she was still frozen. Her body was shaking from fear, but immobile otherwise. When Jasper stopped, she stopped breathing again. She wanted so badly to approach him more than anything, to take away those red lines that he'd taken for her, and kiss him until he was healed. But she was fearful. Not of Jasper himself, but of the situation. She worried he was angry at her for making things worse by not listening to him and not staying in the house as he'd told her. But standing back at a distance when she just wanted to be close to him was getting to be too much for her, even though only a few moments had passed since the newborn ran off.
There was no telling whether or not the vicious creature was gone for good, but it didn't matter. Very cautiously, Bella called to him again. "Jasper?" Her voice sounded like a whisper.
All she wanted to do was to throw her arms around him and pull him close to her, but she wasn't sure if he would allow for it at the moment. She could only imagine the state of mind he was in and she could feel a mix of things coming from him that she couldn't entirely decipher. Still though, she nervously crossed the yard, not caring that the grass was cold against her bare feet. Her heart felt colder than anything.
Jasper was trying very hard to calm himself down. He was still in survival mode, still feeling extremely defensive and primal. He had to calm down; especially now that his thirst had returned. Otherwise, he was going to be just as dangerous to Bella as the newborn. He was on edge and really angry at himself for not finishing the job and killing the newborn. Now that one would have a grudge. He'd be back, and there was no telling when.
Calm down, he silently commanded himself. Feeling Bella's fears and her anxiety behind him wasn't helping. He couldn't blame her though. Her life had just been put in danger, and it was only natural she still be feeling the effects of it.
Her heartbeat was pounding in his ears and he could smell the rush of blood running through her as her heart drummed so fast. It was maddening. Yet somehow, he was managing to stay still. He wasn't turning on her and lunging at her. He wasn't trying to satiate his thirst. All that time he'd spent starving himself apparently had built up a bit of a tolerance. All the heartache and pain from losing his wife had put the pain he felt when he thirsted into a different perspective. He was able to harness it in and just endure it.
It took him another few minutes to calm himself enough to turn around and actually face her. She looked so frightened and so concerned for him. Why was she so worried? It was only then that he really and truly felt the weight of his wounds. He looked down at his shoulder and both his arms and the angry red bites were still glaring at him. The venom hadn't paralyzed him, but it did make his limbs a bit stiff, and it still throbbed with a bit of pain. They were starting to heal, but it would probably be another few hours before the redness faded and the scars formed into their permanent place. No matter. Just another few to add to the hundreds already there. At least these were scars he could be proud of.
"It's cold out here. You need to be inside, Bella," he said quietly. He was hesitant to approach her, for fear she'd be afraid of him after what she'd just seen. "I don't want you to get sick out here."
Jasper was concerned with the weather? When he spoke, her lips parted, shocked by his choice of words. He wasn't going to tell her that she was foolish for not listening to him? He wasn't going to say that they needed to get out of there now? He wasn't going to make any mention about the pain he had to obviously be in judging by the marks that marred his body? Bella didn't understand it. His concern, while it should have only been for himself, was fixated on the possibility of her getting sick from the chilly night air. Jasper really never ceased to surprise her.
But there was one thing that the quiet tone of voice he used did; it allowed her to manage the courage to close the distance between the two of them. She didn't fear him. Bella feared what happened. She feared though, more than anything else, that he would push her away from him now. That was where the need for bravery came into play and she was taking a huge risk by touching him. But the brunette couldn't help it. She needed to be close to him, to see for herself that she wasn't just making him up and that this incident had ended significantly better than it did for Edward and Alice in Volterra. Bella had a cruel mind; it was often liable to play terrible tricks on her like that.
Her heart was so heavy with desperation to ensure Jasper's safety that it was hard to control any other aspect of herself. But Bella strived to do so and when she was close enough, she gingerly wrapped her arms around him. "Jasper," she said, her voice mingling with relief, sadness, and admiration all at one time.
Her face pushed against his neck on the side that wasn't near his deepest wound on his shoulder. She didn't even realize she was crying until she opened her eyes and her vision was blurred and the arms that she had around him her shaking not only with remnants of her previous fear for Jasper's life, but because she was sobbing. It couldn't have helped him by any means that she was such an emotional wreck, but Bella couldn't even begin to control herself.
"Are you okay? What… Is there something I can… Jasper, I don't even know what…" Eventually, she stopped trying to get out full sentences. It was too hard to do when she was so consumed with feelings for him, that she couldn't even take a breath.
The stinging was bad, but Jasper had endured worse as far as injuries went. To someone like Bella though, it might have seemed much worse. It surprised him that she got so upset. He knew she cared, but he didn't realize this would affect her so much. He stayed still at first when she approached, but allowed her to wrap her arms around him and hide her face in the crook of his neck. He could feel her tears against his skin, and it broke his heart to know that she was crying.
He opened his mouth to speak, but she started talking before he could. Well, she was attempting to talk. Her sentences were choppy and she was stammering. Jasper couldn't blame her for that. Bella was crying and she was scared. Neither of which he could blame her for, either. It did bring him a certain amount of relief to know that she wasn't afraid of him, though. That was the last thing he wanted, since he was trying so hard to protect her.
But he needed her to calm down. He wasn't going to be able to stay this close to her for long if she was hysterical. It would rub off on him and that wasn't a good thing when he was so thirsty.
"Bella.." he murmured her name softly as his arms came around her.
She'd feel a wave of calm washing over her as he used his power to help bring her out of her hysterics. He hated having to do that, but right now it was of the utmost importance that she calm down at least a little bit. Very gently, he turned her and started to walk her back into the house. He would have carried her, but his arms were still stiff and sore. It also would have brought them closer together in a way he wasn't sure he'd be able to handle right now.
Once he got her into the house, he shut and locked the door, then escorted her back up to her room. Once they were inside, he immediately called Carlisle, but got his voicemail. He left messages with him and Emmett both, then tossed his phone onto her dresser and ran a hand through his mess of curls. He went back to the window then, feeling horrible for having neglected it so much recently.
Calm felt foreign to her. She knew that Jasper was attempting to manipulate her emotions when she felt it seep through her, but consciously, she knew, it didn't feel right. Because Bella wasn't calm. She was near hysterical.
He wouldn't understand.
There was no way Jasper could have understood. Seeing him fighting…. Watching him, unable to do anything… It put her right back in Italy. That weakness was something that could have killed Bella easier and more painfully than any kind of vampire could have done. She was flooded with reminders of the sounds, the senses of that day. Alice's cries, Edward's voice calling to her… The memories hurt her so badly that she literally could not bring herself to calm on her own. That was when she felt his arms around her. But even that, even something she had grown to love so much, didn't feel right. It felt forced, as if he were only allowing her to get close to him so that he could calm her down himself with use of his ability. Somewhere in the forefront of her mind, Bella felt the stabbing fear of rejection.
It was on account of the fact that her thoughts were currently jumbled and illogical, surely. But that didn't account for the fact that her heart was in so much pain at the moment at the thought. Why would he want to be around her? Why would he want to subject himself to misery and pain, incidents like the one that just occurred? Why would he ever put himself through that for her? Jasper could have been killed and just like Edward and Alice, it would have been by Bella's hand. He shouldn't have stopped running at the end of the yard. He should have kept on going, not to chase after the newborn, but instead, to get as far away from her as he could.
She felt like she was another person watching the scenes from a far away place. She'd felt like this before – this illusory ideal of herself keeping an eye on the way the world went on and fell apart at the hands of her human, real self. The ghost-like Bella watched the other one settle momentarily enough to get herself to her room with his help and through ghostly eyes, she swore she could see the regret that lay within Jasper's as he led her counterpart back into the house. The real Bella couldn't turn and face him for fear of seeing the regret herself. But when he moved to the window, she allowed herself a look over at him. Despite the wave of calm and soothing he sent over her minutes before, she could feel it slipping away and being replaced by the negative emotions that were so overpowering, they could have rivaled Jasper's gift.
Knowing this, feeling this, Bella left the room and retreated to the bathroom, closing the door behind her. He needed space. He needed to get away from her and the danger she caused to everything and everyone she touched. It was as if Bella were literally the kiss of death. The negativity swallowed her whole and crawling into the bathtub, her real self became whole with the ghost-like existence of herself that she felt was always observing from the outside. The collision brought forth another eruption of emotions. Sinking lower against the porcelain-like coffin, she covered her face with her hands and started to cry again. She was so torn between wanting him close to her, to come in and pull her close to him, and staying where he was, or one better, leaving her there to be the one to deal with battles that he never should have been involved in.
Guilt and selfishness and weakness filled the otherwise empty tub and Bella tried – she really did, for Jasper's sake – to stifle them as best as she could. But the fear of nearly losing him - him - was too strong for her to win any such battle with herself. She didn't know how she would ever even explain this emotional outburst to him.
Or, if he would even stay to let her.
Jasper wished he could divide himself into two entities right now. One to keep guard of her house in case the newborn came back and brought more of his kind with him, and one to go to Bella and comfort her. The latter was what was most important to him at this moment, even though he knew leaving his position at the window would be reckless. Part of him didn't care, though. He just wanted to make all of her pain go away.
Some protector he was.
He'd saved her from the newborn, but couldn't protect her from the pain she was obviously feeling inside. He could feel it rolling off of her, and it broke his heart. What could he do? How could he fix it? Did she even want him to try?
Leaving the window was probably a logical mistake. But right now, Jasper wasn't thinking logically. He was following his heart. It ached for Bella, to feel her warmth against him, to have her near him. He needed her, and though he wasn't sure she wanted him right now, he had to try. He could hear her crying, and he couldn't stand it. Her pain was heart wrenching for him. Jasper left her room and stood outside the bathroom door. He was hesitant for only a moment before he gently opened the door.
What he saw broke his heart all over again.
Without a word, he moved into the tub with her and drew her into his arms. He made no move to try to calm her this time, but held her to him and let her cry all she needed to. He closed his eyes and kissed the top of her head. He hoped she'd let him stay with her, and he hoped that she wanted him to stay. It hurt him to be there, but it would have hurt unbelievably more to be away from her. At least this way, even though they were in pain, they could be there for each other.
Bella had her answer of whether or not he was going to leave soon enough. When he opened the door, she didn't look at him at first. She didn't expect him to get so close to her, squeezing into the bathtub with her and holding her against him to allow her to cry freely. It was funny – when he wasn't trying to calm her with anything aside from his close proximity and gentle touches alone, she seemed to settle down. No longer did the soothing feel like a foreign thing. It felt natural, like it was easy to let him help her calm down. Her tears continued for a few minutes more, but the ones that were drawn now from her eyes were out of relief and little else. He wanted to be with her just as much as she wanted him there. That was enough to erase any threats of negative emotions.
When she was calmer, the tears on her cheeks only fading traces of saline trails now that were beginning to dry, she looked up at him. "I'm… I'm so happy you're okay," she said, expressing one of the many thoughts she wanted to convey earlier.
He wasn't entirely okay though and the red marks on his otherwise seemingly flawless skin were difficult to see. He didn't deserve them. They didn't belong there. "You're hurt, Jas," she said softly, tracing her fingers over his collarbone. His shirt was torn and aside from his shoulder, Bella could spy other marks on his torso. "How can we fix it?" she asked, eyes widening with concern for him as her fingers moved to stroke his cheek.
Somehow, she was quite sure that some peroxide and a band-aid wouldn't help these sorts of cuts.
Parting from her would have been too much to stand. Jasper had no intention of leaving, unless she sent him away. Even then, he would have just stayed in one of the trees outside in order to guard her from there. What Bella didn't quite understand yet was that Jasper had given her his devotion. She would always have him. He would always protect her. Even if she decided she didn't want to be with him, he would be there for her.
He held her close as she cried, just letting her get out all of her emotion. He wanted her to feel safe in his arms, for her to know it was okay for her to cry. He rubbed her back gently, and curled up with her. It was a tight fit for them both to be in the bathtub, but Jasper didn't really care about that. He just wanted to be with her. This was where he needed to be right then, and nothing else in the world mattered. He just needed Bella and to be holding her. The rest of the world could come crashing down, but as long as he had her it would be all right.
When she spoke, he was relieved. That meant that she was possibly getting more calm. Calm enough to speak again, at least. Jasper looked down to meet her watery eyes. She wasn't actively crying anymore, but there were still tears there. He gently brought one of his hands up to lightly brush them away, then cupped her cheek.
"I'm fine. Nothing for you to worry further about." He ran his hand through her hair, then back down to join the other at the small of her back as he held her. At the mention of his wounds, he looked away. "They'll heal on their own. It's nothing to worry about. Trust me. I've had worse happen than this. Don't you worry on it, all right? By morning you won't even be able to see the marks anymore."
There was nowhere else Bella wanted to be. She was well in tune with the fact that it was always difficult to be away from Jasper, and perhaps, that had been one of the reason why she took the situation of what just happened so difficultly; they were apart. It was the helpless feeling she couldn't stand. If something had happened to Jasper, something that wouldn't wind up with him beside her now, Bella never would have forgiven herself.
His gentle back rubbing helped to calm her further and sooner rather than later, her sobs disappeared. Occasionally, she would hiccup or sniffle, remnants of the intensity of the sadness and guilt she'd just recently experienced. When he moved his hand to touch her face and wipe away her tears, she placed her hand atop of his reverently. Her cheek, which had been so flushed from her emotional outburst, was cooled by his skin.
"I always worry about you, Jas," she admittedly honestly.
He needed to understand that. He needed to understand that he was the most important thing she had now and she would always fear for his safety. He might have been a predator himself and obviously, as shown from the battle earlier on that night even, that he was very capable of taking care of himself, but Bella still worried for him. That was what happened when one's heart was tied to someone and Jasper held all of the strings to hers it felt like. Aside from that, while it was true that yes, he could take care of himself, Bella wished to be able to take care of him as well. She wanted to contribute to his safety and his happiness and she would strive to do that in any possible way she could.
It didn't make her feel much better about the wounds to know that they would be invisible the next morning. She would still know they were there and it was obvious that Jasper wouldn't be able to forget them either. He kept telling her not to worry, but Bella, even if would agree to appease him, knew it would be an impossible task to forego doing so.
"Will you come lay with me?" she asked hopefully.
It was cramped for the two of them in the bathtub and for him, she knew it would be worse for how lanky he was. In addition, the close quarters weren't the best when he was in pain from the fight with the newborn and she wanted to make him as comfortable as she could have. Kissing his cheek, she nuzzled her nose against it before gently pulling herself from the tub, holding out her hand for him to follow her.
When they returned to her room, she turned to face him in order to assess his wounds closer. His shirt was a mess and it made things look even worse than they might have been to begin with. Letting go of his hand, her fingers moved to the bottom of the tattered fabric while he eyes met his.
"May I?" she asked, a hint of nervousness and apprehension in her question while she gently lifted the hem of his shirt slightly.
Jasper was so incredibly relieved when she did not try to pull away from him. She'd laid against him and held onto him, crying until she couldn't anymore. He'd managed to calm her down and that was an enormous relief. He could feel her pain subsiding, and her emotions were not as through the roof as they'd been before. They were together again and that alone had made him feel immensely better about everything.
It didn't matter to him how cramped it was in the bathtub. He couldn't feel the discomfort, and actually the tight quarters meant that they had to be close. That wasn't something he was going to protest. He would've laid there with her all night, but he did know that the tub was hard, and not as comfortable for her as her bed would be. So when she asked if he'd come lay down with her, he nodded and stole a soft kiss before she was out of his reach. Once she was out of the tub, he stood up and took her hand in his, joining her and walking into her room just a step behind her.
When Bella asked him about removing his shirt, Jasper tensed a little. It was nothing she'd done; he just... had issues with having his shirt off. It shouldn't have mattered. After all, Bella would not be able to see the marred flesh of his upper body. Not in the dim light of her bedroom, at least. He'd let her feel the scar on his wrist, which actually was a very big deal seeing as he never talked about that particular scar or let anyone else near it. He was just so used to hiding the scars and shielding even himself from having to be subjected to them, that he was still afraid to remove his shirt in front of her. Jasper placed his hands over hers to halt her lifting his shirt, but immediately felt he needed to explain his actions. He didn't want her to think she'd done anything wrong.
"I'm sorry.. It's just.. I.."
How could he explain this to her without sounding completely crazy? It was crazy. He wouldn't be subjecting her to seeing his scarred body because she couldn't see it. She'd just see the camouflage. Maybe that was why he didn't want her to see him. He'd be subjecting her to the lie. But Bella had endured enough pain for that night. He didn't want to make it worse. Jasper gently took his hands off of hers. He quietly nodded his head, indicating that it was all right.
Bella wasn't sure what to think when he stopped her hands from lifting his shirt. Her immediate reaction was embarrassment before anything else. Her cheeks flushed; she could feel them burning a deep shade of red with humiliation at her actions. Surely, she had been too bold. That was the reason. While the two of them were close and spent hours and hours cuddling and kissing, this was different, a new step. They hadn't gotten there yet and though Bella was planning to remove his shirt now as a means of making him more comfortable in terms of his injuries and getting rid of the torn material as opposed to taking it off in a moment of desire, the latter wasn't something she hadn't thought about a hundred times before this.
Of course she had.
Bella couldn't deny that when he held her at night, she wondered what it would be like to rest against his bare skin. She was, quite obviously, very attracted to Jasper. She always wanted to be as close to him as possible and so the desire she felt to be able to touch him, let her fingers and lips over newly exposed skin was by no means a shocking idea. It was, however, one that made her shy. The last thing she wanted to do was push him or ever make him feel uncomfortable with her. And Bella would've been lying if she said that she didn't have doubts - at least fleeting ones - that maybe he didn't want her in the same way. It was hard to believably conceive such an idea considering how close they'd gotten and how frequently they kissed, but Bella had a very difficult time coming to terms with the fact that she was considered to be desirable by any man, especially one so gorgeous and kind-hearted as Jasper.
In addition, she knew what she had a tendency to think too much with passion and her heart instead of her mind when she was in such situations. Edward would frequently grow annoyed and frustrated with her attempts to be more intimate with him. Bella always felt ashamed and guilty for it; she never wanted to anger him and she knew it was difficult for him with his desire for her blood. And though she could understand it and thus, never blame him, it always hurt when he pushed her back. But when you loved someone, it was hard not to have such feelings for them. That was how she felt with Jasper, now more than ever.
He seemed to rethink himself when he stumbled over his words and Bella was bewildered at this. She had been expecting him to tell her to stop and she was just getting ready to apologize for overstepping an obvious boundary when he nodded and stopped trying to explain. Part of her said to just leave it, that there had to have been a reason he started to deny her. Another part said that he was allowing it and to just go on and do what she'd intended by taking the shirt off. Bella was torn, fighting with reason and logic against what her heart wanted - always to be closer to him.
She looked up at him once more to ensure it was all right. Then, very carefully, she pulled up the fabric of his shirt, lifting it as high as she could before he would lean to bend for her to remove it. She was, unsurprisingly, struck with how handsome he was. His skin was like pale marble and save for the angry red marks, flawless. Bella wouldn't have cared what it looked like though. It was Jasper and to her, he would always be striking. She dropped the shirt by their feet and very cautiously trailed her fingers down his bare sides. Stepping forward, she pressed her lips to the place where his heart would have been beating underneath. Her own, she could feel, was racing.
Jasper's heart had stopped beating over a century ago - closer to two centuries, to be accurate. It had been abused severely immediately after the cessation of its beating, then left to fester in pain, then nurtured and filled with hope, given the capacity to love endlessly, only to be shattered into a million painful shards cutting deeply into his severed soul. Only recently had those shards begun to pick themselves up and piece back together what had once been his heart. It was a slow process and there had been many pieces to pick up, but they had. They'd come together to reform what had been lost, though they were still very fragile. Jasper feared one more incident would break it beyond repair.
As Bella removed his shirt, all of his fears and self-loathing were brought to the surface. His insecurities were on display, covering him even though he was exposed to her. Bella's human eyes were blind to them, but Jasper knew each one intimately. He remembered how he received them all. It was almost too much for him to keep standing there. Bella would see the beauty, not the beast. She would see what she was meant to see and nothing more. It made Jasper sick to think he was deceiving her.
But when she pressed her lips to his skin over his heart, he felt all the fragile pieces solidify. It was as if Bella's kiss was the final piece of the puzzle, making him complete once more. It was bittersweet for him; she'd made him whole again, but it was under a false impression. Surely she would not have kissed him if she could've seen what she was kissing. That wasn't to say that Bella was shallow, that she judged a person by their looks. But honestly? Who would ever want to be close to someone like him? Jasper couldn't possibly have been blessed more than once.
He could hear her heart racing and it made the rush of blood flowing through her body fill his nostrils. The fire in his throat raged, but the dominant emotions of fear and insecurity, longing and need, were keeping the fire under control. Jasper was scared, and she'd be able to feel his insecurity as he stood there. Almost timidly, he slid his arms around her. He wanted her to know that despite his fears, he still wanted to be close to her.
"I'm sorry if I scared you," he said quietly. "I'd.. hoped you'd never have to see that side of me. I'd hoped I would never have to tap into it again."
She could feel his insecurity, but she misinterpreted it. Bella couldn't and would not be able to realize what the source of his doubts were. She figured, though, that it more had something to do with the fact that he'd just fought off a newborn and was struggling with the thirst that he had to have been feeling. Visibly, there was nothing she could see that he was worrying himself over aside from the fresh slashes of red.
When he put his arms around her, she did the same, but was very mindful of his wounds. The last thing she wanted to do was to cause him greater pain. After all, it was her fault he'd ever experienced any.
"I was only scared because I thought you would be hurt," she said honestly. The way he fought didn't scare her. Not at all. Bella was so unlike most people who it probably would have terrified. Instead, she knew it was in his nature and… she was glad he fought like he did. Otherwise, she didn't know if he would be victorious. That was her fear. That was what scared her.
She looked at Jasper no differently. To her, he was the same as he always was, despite what she'd witnessed minutes before. If anything, she felt like she had a new little part of him, something else that made up the person he was. If anything, Bella felt closer to him than ever. Laying her head against his chest near his undamaged shoulder, she gently stoked her fingers up his spine in a soothing manner.
"I would never be afraid of you, Jasper." He needed to understand that. He needed to understand that she was telling the truth. It was another time when her emotions worked in her favor. When he'd pulled her closer and wrapped his arms around her, she felt relief. Bella knew Jasper would be able to feel it too.
Jasper could feel her relief, and it made him relax momentarily. He wanted to give in to that relief, to hold onto it and just melt into her. He wanted to kiss her, to hold her, to take her to her bed and kiss her there. He wanted to hold her against him for the rest of the night and let her kiss his skin as she'd just done. But he couldn't do that. He couldn't stand knowing she was being deceived.
Her fingers would brush over a few scars every now and then, and it was just a constant reminder that she was unaware of the monster he really was. She'd gotten a glimpse of it when he lunged at her on her birthday, and she'd seen it in action in her yard just moments before. Now she was cuddling with it and didn't even realize. It wasn't fair. She deserved so much better than that. She needed to know the truth, but he was terrified to tell her. For one thing, he was afraid she'd hear his story and he'd lose her. For another, he just didn't like to relive it. His past was cruel, and it sickened him to know he was capable of such horrific sins. He'd have to talk about Maria, too, and she was a topic that he did not like to discuss at all. Just the thought of her name made him cringe.
"You should be afraid of me, Bella," he said quietly. He slowly moved back, keeping his arms around her but putting a small gap between them. "I don't think you'd feel the same if you knew how much of a monster I really am." He moved further back, releasing her from his hold and dropping his hands to his sides.
"It's really not fair for me to keep you so close to me, when you should be recoiling in disgust. I should have said this before, but.. it just didn't hit home with me until now. Now that I'm exposed to you. I.. I can't be close to you like this again until you know everything. It's just not right. You deserve to know the truth. You deserve so much better."
Jasper ducked his head in shame, looking down at the floor. He hated who he once was. He still didn't love himself, but he'd gotten a little better about that over the last several years. But right now? He loathed himself something fierce.
Bella hadn't been expecting his sudden change in response. She knew that there was a lot running through his mind considering everything that happened and she could feel that something was wrong. Until he pulled away from her though and started speaking, she didn't understand just how wrong something was. He seemed to be speaking something specific, something that she didn't grasp. Where were his fears coming from? Why was he so convinced that she would be so disgusted with him? Bella knew, despite not knowing the cause of his fears, that he would be wrong about that. She could never be disgusted with him. She could never feel as if she did not want to always be around him. Bella failed to see how he would ever think otherwise and she momentarily had a fear that perhaps, she hadn't been as clear as she wanted to in expressing the way she felt about him. Otherwise, there should not have been a doubt in his mind.
The look of her face read of both hurt and bewilderment in equal parts when he drew back from her. "What do you mean, Jasper?" she asked, her brow furrowing. He obviously wanted distance between them, but Bella stepped forward to rest a hand on his forearm in any case. She was extremely concerned with the way he was being so down on himself, looking at him in a way that would have been the exact opposite as she viewed him.
"You aren't a monster. Don't say that," she said, frowning. He needed to know that before he told her whatever it was that he was going on about now. "What's wrong?"
Jasper shook his head. "No, Bella. I am." He ran a hand through his hair, which had still been a little disheveled after his altercation outside. "You just can't see it because you're believing the camouflage." He looked down to where she was touching his arm, and he could see her fingers passing over his marred skin. It made him want to jerk his arm away. Not from her touch, but because of what she was touching.
"Don't misunderstand me. The things I've told you and the feelings I've expressed are all very real. It's just.. the person you see.. isn't what's actually there. If you had my vision, you'd see. You'd understand what sort of creature I am." The seal she'd placed over his heart with her kiss became strained. This was hurting him so badly. The prospect of losing her was just too much, but, he cared for her more than he cared about his own needs. He had to push through this pain and give her the truth she deserved, no matter what result it produced. If she shunned him, maybe it would be better in the long run for her. She deserved better than him anyway.
"I've done a lot of horrible things, Bella. Unspeakable things. I should have told you all of this a lot sooner. I'm sorry," he said, shaking his head. He looked as if he would have been crying, if he cold produce tears. "I just.. Being with you has meant everything to me. You, mean everything to me. I know how selfish that sounds. But things happened between us and then, I got so wrapped up in my feelings for you that I just couldn't bring myself to talk about this. I have to, though. You have to know."
Jasper looked at her, finally, but found it difficult to hold her gaze. "That scar I let you feel. There's a reason it's so pronounced, that you can feel it. And.. it's not the only one I have. There are.. more.. You just can't feel them."
Jasper was starting to piece together some things, but he still wasn't telling her everything. She still couldn't quite understand what he meant or where this was all originating from. What she did know, was that seeing him like this did nothing less than break her heart. He was the one who had fixed it, mended the dust that it had been reduced to, but seeing him so upset was enough to break it all to bits again.
Perhaps it was supposed to make her feel better when he assured her he had feelings for her, but it seemed to do the opposite. It solidified her fears, intensified her anxiety. It felt like he was pushing her away or else, getting ready to. Maybe he was saying these things because he no longer had a desire to follow through with the feelings that he just mentioned. There were a hundred different thoughts running through her head at the moment, but she wouldn't get the answers to anything until Jasper told her his story.
When he mentioned the scars, her head tilted slightly in confusion. He had more? How many more? Surely, he couldn't have gotten them the same way as the one on her hand or the one of his wrist. Again, more questions left unanswered for the time being, but watching him – seeing him so upset – she couldn't wait much longer. It hurt so badly to see him like this, especially when she was unsure of the reason, and thus, unsure of how to go about fixing it.
"What… do you mean, Jas?" she asked gently. "Talk to me."
Jasper could feel that the relief she'd been experiencing before was gone. She'd gotten anxious and was on the verge of getting upset. He felt horrible for causing her such inner turmoil, but he knew that they had to have this conversation. No matter how much he wanted to shield her from this truth, she needed to know.
"I think it would be best if I.. showed you.." he said, with much hesitation.
Clearly he did not want to show her. He moved to her desk and motioned for her to follow. For a moment he just stared at the desk lamp, then swallowed with difficulty. He could feel the sting of venom sliding down his throat as he reached out and flipped on the lamp. "You should be able to see under the light." Very timidly, he placed his arm -not the one with the deep scar she'd touched- beneath the light shining from the lamp. There, she'd be able to see his forearm illuminated. In that small area alone there were dozens of crescent shaped scars covering his skin.
"There are more," he said, his voice hitching in his throat.
With a heavy heart, he tilted the lamp so that the light would shine up his arm, revealing the scars reaching up to his shoulder. He squeezed his eyes shut, as if he was trying to fight back tears. His hand was shaking as he tilted the lamp again, this time letting the harsh light spread across the expanse of his chest, neck, and face. There were bites everywhere. They lined his shoulders, and were spread in jagged scars across his chest. A few had managed to mar his neck, and there was one across his left brow, tainting his otherwise perfect face. Finally, he let the light cast over his other arm, where she'd see the scars spreading down that limb as well, and she'd get to see the deep, mangled scar that she'd touched before, which looked so much worse than all the others.
When he let go of the lamp, it shifted to shine up the front of his body and face again, and he left the light there. "This is the truth, Bella. What I am, what I've been. I'm a monster."
Author's Note: This chapter was pretty intense! The scene has actually been split between chapters eight and nine because it was so long. Next, you'll get to hear Jasper's story about Maria! Thank you for reading and please review! Cheers.
Lyrics: The Truth Beneath the Rose - Within Temptation