How can blood be our salvation
And justify the pain that we have caused throughout the times
Will I learn what's truly sacred?
Will I redeem my soul, will truth set me free? ;;
It was all about to come together. The apprehension and insecurity Bella felt radiating off of Jasper suddenly made sense to her. She watched as he moved to the desk, following as he'd asked. Her bewilderment remained until he turned on the light and showed her what he had been hiding, what he was so beat up about. His skin, skin that she believed to be flawless, was not as she had come to know. The scars on his forearm matched the one on her hand. But unlike the single one Bella possessed, Jasper had dozens and dozens of them.
And they weren't just on his arm. Her lips parted and she gasped quietly when he revealed that the same silvery scars covered his upper body. His shoulders, his chest, his neck. There were so many of them. How could this have happened to him? What happened to him?
Her gasp hadn't been one of fear. At least, not fear of him. His marks didn't scare her simply because they existed on his skin. They scared her because she remembered what it was like to feel venom running through her. One time had been bad enough. She didn't think she would survive that, the searing pain that nearly felt like it would blind her. One small, insignificant crescent. One little, solitary scar on her hand. And she had been so ashamed of it? Now, Bella was very ashamed. How could she have been so vain to care about that little scar when Jasper… Jasper had a hundred times more.
"Oh, Jasper…" she whispered.
Her eyes followed the light and in the chocolate brown color, there was so much sadness for him. She could see his hand shaking. In fact, she paid more attention to the way he shook as opposed to the scars themselves. Her heart ached so badly for him in that moment, that she would have taken the pieces of it and offered it to him if it meant she could take away his insecurity and sadness. Bella could tell his eyes would have been filled with tears if he was capable of it. She had seen him 'cry' before and it hurt then. But this was a hundred times worse. Now, she was so invested in her feelings for him that she could feel what he felt so much more clearly than before.
The scar on his wrist was what really did it, what really broke her heart. She could only imagine the pain he must have felt however he'd received it. She remembered what Jasper said about the scar being the one where his creator bit him, bad enough that she could even feel it when he led her fingers there. But seeing it now made her angry. Who did this to him? Bella knew it was well over a century before, but it didn't stop her from feeling extremely protective over him. But she couldn't let anger get in the way right now. Right now, the only important thing was assuring Jasper that she felt no differently about him. His insecurities, while valid, were unnecessary when it came to Bella.
Closing the small distance between them, she gently moved her fingers over his skin. First, they ghosted over the scar by his brow. Gently running down his cheek, they brushed over the few crescents on the column of his neck, then to his shoulder. Bella was memorizing them. She was taking the time to acknowledge every single one. Because these scars were a part of Jasper and there was not one part of him she didn't love. These marks included, despite that she didn't love how they must've gotten there. Her hand moved down his arm, fingers moving over more bite marks. She could see the scars, but couldn't feel them. Not until she reached the one at his wrist. When she did, she drew it to her lips and kissed the deep scar from one end of the crescent to the other. She was being as gentle as she could, not wanting to make him uncomfortable when dealing with something that he obviously hated about himself.
When she finished kissing the mark, she took his fingers and pressed his hand against her chest. He'd be able to feel her heartbeat steadily beneath his fingers. It was solid, slightly accelerated (but that always happened when she was close to him), but it was calm. Lifting her eyes to his, she offered him an explanation.
"It doesn't beat any differently now, Jasper," she said. "All I see is you. Never a monster. Just you."
It would probably be impossible for Jasper to ever become comfortable with this part of himself. It had been over a century since he received his first scar and each one brought with it a heavy burden and unbelievable shame. He'd been proud of them at one point in his life, and that sickened him now. He felt very vulnerable right now, after just revealing a side of himself to her that he loathed. The memories tied to his scars were so painful, more than the original wounds had been.
He was sad to say that Bella's reaction surprised him. Jasper had been lucky once in regards to the reaction of someone he cared deeply for seeing his scars for the first time. He didn't think it was possible for that to happen again. Yet Bella had not wavered. She did not shy away from him, which was very unexpected. He himself probably would have been repulsed at the sight of someone like him. Bella was still touching him, trying to familiarize herself with the scars that tainted the perfection that should have been there. His skin was sensitive and the warm touch of her fingers made him shiver a little.
He opened his eyes to look down at her, watching as she took his hand and placed it over her heart. He could feel and hear her heart beating within her chest, and the sound that once plagued him with pain actually did soothe him now. She was right; the rhythm was what it usually was. Her words, though, he wasn't sure he could believe. Jasper wanted to, but he hated that part of himself so much that he didn't think it was possible for anyone to accept him. How could he when he didn't even accept himself? Even so, he could feel the sentiment behind what she said. He could feel how genuine she was being, how sincere she felt.
Slowly, Jasper lifted a hand to cup her cheek. "I.. I don't.. deserve you."
He kissed her forehead, then pressed his to hers. His emotions were starting to get the better of him, and it physically took its toll on him. Jasper's hands slid down from her cheek and over her heart down her sides. He was lowering down, sinking to his knees in front of her. His arms came around her hips and he hid his face in her stomach.
"I could never deserve such a compassionate angel." He clutched onto her tightly, but not enough to bruise her fragile skin. He was telling her he didn't deserve her, but he found he couldn't let go of her. He needed her, now more than ever. "I only told you part of my story. You need to hear the rest."
It was so, so difficult to see him like this. He was literally falling apart in front of her and this was the second time it was happening. It was too much. Jasper didn't deserve any of this, not one single ounce of this pain. Bella wished, more than anything in the world, that she knew how to take it away from him. If she could, she would've turned back the hands of time to somehow prevent his scarred past from occurring, even though, as he said, she didn't know the full story yet. It didn't matter. She knew enough to know that it was dark and painful and neither should have ever been associated with someone as kind and as sensitive as Jasper.
When he dropped to his knees in front of her, she closed her eyes, wracking her brain on how to comfort him, how to make him feel better about himself and the fact that she loved him for who he was, not the person he perceived himself as being. It was clear that they were two different people. Perhaps Jasper sometimes felt like he was another, ghostly self watching his real self going through the motions of life, as Bella sometimes did. Though she had no real solution, unsure of what to do, she didn't need to think about simply being there for him. It might have been difficult to achieve, but that didn't mean that Bella would stop trying to get him to feel better.
Her fingers threaded through his curls, stroking the top of his head softly as he held onto her. If he needed her, Bella wasn't going anywhere. This was the only place she belonged – with Jasper now. And that was exactly where she wanted to stay. After a moment or so, she gently removed his arms around her just long enough so that she too could lower onto her knees. Then, she pulled him close to her, embracing him tightly. For a little while, Bella just held onto him, one hand gently stroking his hair again while the other rubbed his bare back. Her lips kissed whatever they could reach – his temple, his cheek, the side of his neck.
"When you're ready, Jas," she said softly.
If Jasper wanted to tell her the rest of the story, she would listen. Of course she wanted to know, but she wouldn't rush him. She had all the time in the world if it meant comforting him. Until he was ready, Bella simply continued to soothe him with her gentle touches and reassuring kisses.
Jasper didn't think that this was something he could ever be ready for. No one could be prepared to recount a story like his. It wasn't something he'd ever feel comfortable talking about, but he'd come this far. He'd opened the door to the past by showing her his scars, and now she needed to understand why he thought of himself this way. He wasn't just because of how he looked. It was the reason he looked that way.
The hand in his hair was soothing, enough to calm him down so he wasn't shaking so much. As she joined him on the floor, he slid his arms back around her for comfort and laid his head against her chest to hear her heart beating. He needed the constant, steady rhythm to give him some sort of ground to stand on. Jasper did not make any move to pull away when she started leaving kisses on his skin, though he didn't understand why she'd want to anymore.
He wasn't sure he could do this, but, he had to try.
"I'd been in the army for about three years," he said, raising up from her. He needed Bella to be looking at him and he needed to look at her. He had to see her reactions as well as feel them.
"We were planning to evacuate the women and children of a town, so I'd gone ahead of my men to scope out the area and see what we'd be dealing with. I was about a day's worth of traveling ahead of them when I reached the outskirts of the town. That's when I met her." His wrist seemed to burn at the thought of her, and he clenched the fist of that hand subconsciously. "She was a very small young woman. Actually, she looked more like a girl than an adult. She had long black hair, Spanish features. She was the most beautiful lady I'd ever seen at the time, and I was drawn to her like a moth to a flame. There were two other young women with her, but I'm ashamed to say I didn't pay them much attention. I only had eyes for her. She recognized I was a soldier and asked me my name."
He let his accent come out for the next part, "'Major Jasper Whitlock, ma'am,' I told her. She told me her name was.." He looked up at the ceiling and took just a moment to regain his composure, then looked back at Bella again. "Maria."
Jasper could see the scene playing out before him as he spoke, and he wondered if Bella could, too. He didn't know if he was painting a vivid enough picture for her, but for him, he could see it and recall it as if it was yesterday. It was a shame that out of all the beautiful memories of his childhood that he'd long since forgotten, he had to remember this incident as if it'd just happened. He sighed and shook his head, continuing on.
"Our eyes met and I was completely taken with her. She seemed taken with me, too. She started talking to the other women without straying from my eyes. She told them I'd be useful, that she had a feeling about me. She said she wanted me for her, and the others told her she had to 'do it' because they 'killed more than they succeeded.' I had no idea what was going on, but it didn't matter to me. I was so smitten with her that nothing else seemed to reach me. She approached me and she said, 'I hope I succeed. It'd be a shame to lose you.' And she took my hand, turned it so that it was palm-side up. I didn't know what she was doing, and then, she just.." He drew his mangled wrist to his chest as if to hide it, cringing as he recalled the pain.
"She bit me. I don't remember much about the next few days, just that it was the most excruciating physical pain I'd ever endured up to that point. And when I awoke, I could hear the other two women calling for her. Before my eyes opened, I heard her voice. She told them she wanted to be the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. So I kept them closed until I knew she was there. I could smell her; the sweetest scent I'd ever taken in. Casablanca Lilies. That was her scent. I opened my eyes and I saw her staring at me. Maria. I was hers, mind, body, heart, soul... I'd never been so captivated before. Maria. I worshiped her from the start. Maria. My lily. I was blinded by my devotion. I had no idea what I was dealing with. She wasn't a flower. She was the cruelest of our kind. I just didn't know it."
Jasper paused then, letting her take in what he'd just shared. This was a heavy story, full of hate and violence, cruelty and despair. It was going to take him a while to get everything out.
Bella listened as he began his tale. The pain of watching him talk about something that was troubling to him was still fresh and though he'd pulled back slightly in order to look at her when he spoke, Bella never let him forget that she was far. As he told her his story, she kept her eyes on him but her hands were gentle against his skin. One of them held onto one of his hands, linking their fingers together. The other softly stroked his knee sympathetically.
She didn't know what she had been expecting, but it wasn't a story quite like this. Jasper had said that he was sweet on girls often while he was a soldier, but Bella didn't realize that he was so sweet on one of them that it ultimately ended his life. She couldn't blame anyone for being taken by Jasper; she was on a daily basis. But there was more to the story than just attraction. It seemed the woman that was the object of his affection desired him to be another kind of object for herself.
When he drew his wrist against his chest, she let go of the other hand of his she was holding and moved both of hers to pull it away from his heart. Bella knew he was ashamed of it and imagined that the story was drawing up demons he didn't want to think of. The painful reminder of it was written on his skin forever of the woman who'd done this to him. Pulling his arm closer, she bent to kiss the scar again then gently placed her hands over it to conceal it. He could feel it. He could remember it. He didn't need to keep looking at it. She had a feeling that would hurt him more and she was trying to prevent that as well as she could.
When he revealed that the woman he loved was deceptive, that she was anything but the flower he thought she was, Bella's eyes darkened. Even now, she felt protective over him. How dare anyone ever deceive him like that when it was so painfully obvious, that even as he was telling her the story knowing the outcome already, he so clearly loved them? If ever there was motivation before – not that she needed any aside from just listening to her own heart – Bella made a silent promise to herself to get through to Jasper that she would never do such a thing to him, that he never deserved anything less than everything she could give him.
Running her thumb against the back of his hand, she encouraged him to continue by asking, "What happened?"
She was trying in earnest to be as gentle as she could and not to push him by any means. The emotions she was feeling him give off were powerful, and she was sensitive to that.
Jasper was struggling, but there really was no turning back now. It was like ripping a band-aid off. He needed to do this quickly. The wound would be left exposed and raw, but maybe that was exactly what needed to happen so that it could heal properly, and not simply covered up. He didn't pull his hand away from her, even though he wanted to. He let her hold it and kiss his scar, anything she wanted. Bella could do what she wished, and he did not want to deny her. It was also comforting, having her touching him so gently. It calmed his nerves, and she wasn't jumping at the bit for him to continue. She was just listening, concerned about the direction the story was taking.
"The beginning of a tumultuous and violent relationship," he answered.
He took a moment to think things over. He was going to have to detach himself from the situation if he was going to talk about it, otherwise he'd never get through it. The emotions would catch up to him eventually, but at least by then Bella would know the story. The next time he spoke, his voice was more steady, but his expression was devoid of emotion.
"My instincts told me that there was danger, that the angel had meant it when she spoke of killing, but my judgment overruled my instincts. I had not been taught to fear women, but to protect them. Maria wanted an army." Jasper paused, knowing Bella was going to need a bit of a history lesson of the vampire world before the motives behind Maria's actions would be comprehensible.
"What you need to understand, is that in the South, my kind has been warring with each other for centuries. It's unclear of when the wars began. The one who takes most of the credit, his name was Benito. He found a way to claim territories, drive out reigning clans, kill them, or force them to join in his cause. Typically, he just killed them off. The purpose was for feeding territories. Everything is driven by the thirst. Benito was no different. He started off small, killing rival clans by himself. It wasn't enough for him. He came up with the concept of forming an army - a newborn, army. You understand about newborns, how they're initially stronger, wilder, driven by their lust for blood and nothing more. They make the perfect soldiers." His dark eyes flickered with something, perhaps irony at his choice of words, before he continued.
"Things got out of hand, though. Others started to mimic Benito's ways. Vampire armies were clashing together, slaughtering humans in Mexico, trying to take over the territories. When things became too out of control, the.. the Volturi," the name left a horrible taste in his mouth, "had to take care of it." He quickly moved on, not wanting to dwell over that for too long.
"The wars continued, but in a much quieter fashion. That, brings us back to Maria's intentions. She wanted an army. I suppose that was why she wanted me. For the first year, she let me run rampant while my time as a newborn ticked away. I was too out of control to understand what she wanted from me. It didn't seem to bother her. She liked the way I lusted for blood. It made her.. lust for me." That part made him cringe again.
"We became mates before I completed my first year as a vampire. She conditioned me to bend to her will. I still don't know how she did it without having a gift like mine. I suppose there is a specific bond between a vampire and creator that cannot really be explained. In any case, once that first year had passed and I was a little more in control of myself, we set to work building her army. The other two girls, Nettie and Lucy, worked with us, but there was a growing distance between the two of them and Maria and I."
He stiffened his posture a little, forcing his emotions back so that he could continue speaking. "We started building her army, then. The girls would change them, and I would control them. I trained them to be vicious, even more ferocious than what was naturally in their instincts. With my gift, I was able to calm them enough to listen, to follow orders. Of course, there were those that did not like to listen."
He glanced away from her for a moment, then looked back. "They had to be exterminated. They all did, eventually. She only wanted newborns because of their strength and lack of conscience. Once that was used up, I was made to kill them."
Jasper paused there, allowing her to soak that part of the story in. It was a lot, especially with the history attached. He didn't want to overwhelm her, though it seemed that was going to be unavoidable.
It seemed to progressively get worse as he went on. It was more difficult to listen to him continue with his story and harder yet to watch him struggle through telling it. But all of the puzzle pieces, the cloudy bits of Jasper's past, were beginning to form together to make a picture that made sense, but that was hard to focus on. All the while that he spoke, she continued to touch him – stroking his hand, brushing her fingers against his thigh. They were small gestures, but they would let him know that she was still there, that she wasn't going anywhere.
It was hard to not continue to grow bitter at the things he was speaking of though. She could only imagine this vicious female toying with him in such a heartless way. She obviously took advantage of the fact that Jasper was taken with her and she used it to get what she wanted – at his expense. Bella tensed when he mentioned the Volturi, but she just squeezed his hand more tightly. The history was horrible. It was like a vampire concentration camp, only a hundred times more brutal. The newborns were made to do work – bloody, horrific work – and then they were killed. Now she could understand why Jasper hated himself. Now she could see why he would think he was such a monster; he was the one who had to carry out the deaths.
"Jas, that wasn't your fault," she said sympathetically. "You didn't know any better," she said. "She… she deceived you into doing those things," Bella said, trying to help him see that he wasn't at fault. Only Maria was. She was the only one to fault for this. Bella hated her, for what she'd done to such a sweet person. He was still haunted by it even today, even though decades upon decades had passed.
She brought his hand to her lips and paused to kiss each one of his fingertips. Then, she looked at him and asked, "How did you get out?"
Jasper looked down, as if he was replaying all those years over in his head.
"My escape didn't come for a long time. I was Maria's mate and leader of her armies for over twenty years," he said. "And it might not have been my fault, but I.. I thrived on it. At first, anyway. I liked the power, and I liked making her happy. When Maria was happy, she loved me back. When she wasn't happy.." Jasper looked down at his scarred wrist. "You'd be surprised how much venom one vampire can produce in a single bite." He inwardly winced, as if he could feel her teeth sinking through his marble skin. "She'd bite me there whenever I made a mistake." He was quiet for about half a minute, wanting that image out of his head before he continued.
"As you said, I knew no differently. I did not realize that there was a life outside of Maria's world. She was all I had, and there were several newborns who thought the same. I had to fight to keep my position as her mate, as the leader of the army. Many of my scars are from those who challenged me for my place. They're all from vampires trying to kill me; the ones who managed to get close enough before I killed them first." Jasper looked over his arms with contempt. No matter what anyone said, he was disgusted with them. He'd never get over that. It was his penance for his sins.
"My life continued in the same violent pattern and the years passed. I was sick of it all for a very long time before anything changed. I came to realize my love was unrequited. I should have seen it much sooner, but I was so involved in her world, so deeply rooted and bonded to her that even when I could see the truth, I stayed. She wouldn't.. touch me. Not as a mate. She wouldn't let me hold her when we shared moments together. She told me how hideous she found my scars to be, even though I pleaded that they were all for her. She said that they showed how slow and weak I was. They were a sign of my failures."
His tension eased slightly, as he was reaching the end of his story. "There was a newborn that Maria brought into the army who proved to be very useful. More than the others. He never crossed me, though. He helped me keep the others in line. He was very, very loyal. His name was Peter. He was a soldier, lower ranked than I was, and that was probably a mentality that carried over with him from his human life. After his first year, Maria surprisingly did not select him to be executed. However, his mate Charlotte was not so lucky." He frowned deeply, but continued on.
"That was the first time Peter challenged me. The night Charlotte was to die, he came between us. He begged me for her life. I could feel something from them, an emotion I'd never experienced before." Jasper looked up to meet Bella's eyes.
"Love. Peter loved Charlotte, and she loved him. What I felt between them was how mates were should feel for each other. I let them go. I sent them both away and told them to never look back. I went back to Maria. Even though I understood that there was no love between us, I had nowhere else to go."
Jasper held her hand, lacing their fingers. He knew he was dropping a heavy burden on her, but if they were going to be together, then she needed to know all of this. "About five years later, they came looking for me. They wanted me to go with them, to experience life away from Maria, to see that there was more out there. It didn't take much to convince me by then. I left that same night, and didn't look back," he said. "By that point, I was so desperate that I knew if I didn't leave, I might have to kill her to free myself. When you live for the fight, for the blood, the relationships you form are tenuous and easily broken. There was no lost love by the time I left."
He was nearing the end of his tale, or at least, as much as he was going to say. It actually felt.. better sharing this with her. Jasper hated talking about it, but it took some of the weight off his shoulders. He just hated that he had to place any on Bella in the process.
"I traveled with Peter and Charlotte for a few years, getting the feel of this new, more peaceful world. But the depression didn't fade. I didn't understand what was wrong with me, until Peter noticed that it was always worse after I'd hunted. I contemplated that. In so many years of slaughter and carnage, I'd lost nearly all of my humanity. I was undeniably a nightmare, a monster of the grisliest kind. Yet each time I found another human victim, I would feel a faint prick of remembrance for that other life. Watching their eyes widen in wonder at my beauty, I could see Maria and the others in my head, what they had looked like to me the last night that I was Jasper Whitlock. It was stronger for me — this borrowed memory — than it was for anyone else, because I could feel everything my prey was feeling. And I lived their emotions as I killed them. You've experienced the way I can manipulate the emotions around myself, Bella, but I wonder if you realize how the feelings in a room affect me. I live every day in a climate of emotion. For the first century of my life, I lived in a world of bloodthirsty vengeance. Hate was my constant companion. It eased some when I left Maria, but I still had to feel the horror and fear of my prey. It began to be too much. The depression got worse, and I wandered away from Peter and Charlotte. Civilized as they were, they didn't feel the same aversion I was beginning to feel. They only wanted peace from the fight. I was so wearied by killing — killing anyone, even mere humans. Yet I had to keep killing. What choice did I have? I tried to kill less often, but I would get too thirsty and I would give in. After a century of instant gratification, I found self-discipline.. challenging. I still haven't perfected that ...as you very well know."
Jasper had reached the point in his history that he could not talk about. It was once his happiest memory. The moment in his life when he found hope again. But he would not let himself even think of that time. It was too much. As painful as all the previous history had been to relive, it would have resurfaced ten-fold if he'd tried to speak of his time in Philadelphia.
"I think that's enough for one night," he said, and then looked down again. The emotion he'd detached from himself started to stir. All the pain from reliving the past, the raw wound he'd uncovered, began to fester within him. Jasper let go of her hand and drew his knees up to his bare chest.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry you have to carry this with you now. I'm so sorry, Bella."
The pain of his story was so intensified, that Bella grew teary-eyed once more. But she refused to let anything amount from those watery eyes. She refused to cry. She needed to be strong for him, to be something that was stable and that would be a sure thing that would love him and that is exactly what kept her from crying. But it was a difficult thing to manage when his tale was as sad as it was. She wouldn't have said the ending was exactly happy, but she would have been lying if she said that she wasn't amazed by his bravery in leaving Maria. It had to have been nearly impossible considering the bond he had with her, even if it was a bond that was not at all fairly requited.
She had an idea where the story went after he left off. Alice. The pixie-like Cullen had told Bella about the time she found Jasper, how she knew he was there all along, just waiting. That had to have been the next part of the story. Bella couldn't explain why it hurt so much to think about, but it did. Intensely so. If she would have allowed herself to think about it, she feared she would have fallen apart with guilt. Her heart was so invested in Jasper when she truly believed it never would have beat again. Acknowledging other parts of his past – and of Bella's – would bring up those demons. She had to, again, strive to be strong for him and not allow herself to entertain any such thoughts for fears of the emotions they would have stirred.
Instead, when he pulled his knees to his chest and apologized for things that he had nothing to be sorry for, Bella moved to sit beside him. Her arm wrapped around his cool shoulders and she kissed one of the scars on his upper back.
"You have nothing to be sorry for, Jasper," she assured him gently.
And he really didn't. She should have been the one apologizing for letting him delve back into such a hurtful past. It made her feel guilty and somewhat selfish. But he'd wanted to tell her and felt as if he needed to even. She didn't know whether or not he thought her feelings would change for him because of it. Bella's feelings did change – but only because she felt closer to him, connected more deeply because he painted his past for her when it was painfully difficult to do so. His bravery, what he'd gone through and managed to come out surviving from, did nothing less than astound her. Her admiration for Jasper would surely never be fully expressed, but she hoped he would be able to feel it.
"Thank you for sharing it with me," she said softly, rubbing his back in soothing circles as she kissed his shoulder. "I just wish…" she paused, frowning. "I wish I could take it all away," she said, kissing his shoulder again.
She leaned her head against it then, continuing to rub his back. As much as she could, she tried to send off waves of affection and positive emotions, letting him know just how much she cared about him and that she wouldn't leave him. There was no way of knowing whether it would work considering how heartbreaking his story was and how miserable he felt, but Bella would try.
Jasper was stunned when she moved closer to him and started to touch him again. Her kisses were so warm, so soothing against his sensitive, tarnished flesh. After hearing all of the things he'd been, and all the things he'd done, she still wanted to be close to him? It was enough to make him want to cry all over again, but in a different way. He could feel her genuine concern and devotion, and it, like her kisses before, seemed to have healing powers on his soul.
He felt he had everything in the world to be sorry for, but more than anything he just wanted to be close to her right now. She was being so compassionate and so caring towards him, and taking such care to make sure he felt all of the emotions she held for him. Jasper wanted her to feel everything he felt in return. He wanted her to know how much he appreciated her, and everything that she was doing for him. He needed her to know, to feel it. More than anything right now, that was what he knew he had to do.
Jasper uncurled from around himself, and slowly turned towards her. There was still a bit of pain in his eyes, but there was also a lot of love there. A lot of love.
"You do," he said, gazing at her. He lifted one hand and lightly cupped her cheek. "You have no idea how much you do for me, just when I look at you."
His voice was soft, tender, as was his touch. He pressed his lips to her forehead as his thumb brushed against her cheek very lightly. "You have made me feel things I've never felt before." He tilted his his head, and brought his lips a mere breath away from hers.
"I'll show you," he whispered against her lips, then kissed her deeply. He slid his other arm around her, pulling her closer to him. He wanted to take her to her bed, but for now he just stayed on the floor with her, kissing her and holding her against him.
Bella was never one to like presents or gifts of any kind. She always felt foolish accepting them because honestly, she never really felt as if she needed them. Even on birthdays and Christmases, when gifts were meant to be given to special people, Bella felt awkward when receiving them. She had so much more joy in giving them to people, though she felt they were never much, instead.
But this. Being here with Jasper…
It was like one thousand Christmases and birthdays rolled into one. His words meant so much more to her than he could have possibly known. It was the best sort of gift. It cost nothing but a look in her direction and even though his eyes were dark and lost their golden hue, they looked the softest that Bella had ever seen them look before.
Literally, he took her breath away. It caught in her throat when he told her something that touched her very soul. She helped. She was helping him. That was all she wanted to do, to ease his pain just the smallest bit and Jasper just confirmed that she had. He was a person that was ruled with emotions – it was his gift. He'd touched upon it in his story about what it was like to feel consumed with the emotions of others in a room. He would feel nothing but love in this room. The floors, the walls – everything – vibrated with the way she felt for him. Bella was impossibly in love with this wonderful, wonderful creature. How could she have been so blessed to ever find such feelings again when they had been buried inside an empty coffin? What could a hopelessly clumsy and socially awkward girl from Phoenix Arizona have possibly done right to be able to have such an effect on a boy like him?
Her heart was not just beating. It was swelling with these emotions. All positive, none negative. She couldn't just feel them within herself. When he kissed her, she could feel them inside of Jasper. It was as if they'd never touched lips before. Though they'd shared thousands of kisses by now, and every single one of them had been special to her, this one felt different. There was something coming from him that Bella hadn't experienced quite before. Perhaps it was driven because emotion had been so heavy all evening, but there was a passion in his kiss that left her in a dizzy state.
Arms wrapping around his back, she pulled him closer as well, as much as she could considering they were already pressed together. No effort was needed to convey what she wanted to in returning his kiss with as much passion and devotion to him that he was showing her. For Bella, it was all just coming naturally.
This truly was a kiss unlike any they'd shared before. While Jasper always put his heart into his affections, this was a little different. He was pouring what was left of his soul into it as well. He was giving her his passion, his devotion, by way of letting her feel everything that he felt for her. He knew he had to be careful, that he was dangerously thirsty and becoming too engaged in physical contact could put her life in jeopardy. But, he also knew how strong his desire to protect her was, and that even if he had to protect her from himself, he would.
Jasper kissed her, and continued to kiss her, his emotions unwavering. It was not exactly a sweet kiss, but rather one of a deep passion and need to be close to her. He just needed her. One hand slid up her back, actually slipping beneath her shirt to let his fingers trail across her skin. His other hand remained resting against her cheek for a moment, but then slid around to the back of her head. He held onto the kiss for a long time, until he knew he had to pull back so she could breathe. When he did move, it wasn't far. Just enough so that she could take a needed breath. While she did so, he was kissing along her jaw, waiting for her lungs to receive the oxygen they craved before he moved back in to kiss her once more .
Being on the floor wouldn't do.
Gracefully, effortlessly, he stood up and took Bella with him, all the while still kissing her deeply. Jasper moved her to her bed and laid her down on it, then crawled over her and started to kiss her again. He'd taken a few liberties by doing so, but all she'd have to do was push up on him for him to stop.
Bella didn't think about it now, but if she hadn't been so wrapped up in Jasper, she might have wondered where her earlier apprehension had gone. Back when she toyed with his shirt to remove it, she'd felt it, especially when he paused in thinking over whether or not he would allow it. But that didn't mean she still didn't want to. Even with her fear of pushing the boundaries too far too quickly as she had done before, her desire to be closer to him in an intimate way was greater.
It seemed the feeling was mutual. It was a mixture of the way his lips moved against her and the way his fingers felt against her skin when his hand slid up the back of her shirt that drew a soft sound from the back of her throat. Once more, she cursed her need to breathe, but didn't seem to mind having to take a breath when it meant that Jasper's lips would be against her jaw. Just as well, when they were pressed against her mouth again, she wasn't about to complain.
It wasn't that she was just never kissed like this by Jasper. Bella had never been kissed like this by anyone. With Edward, she had to be so, so cautious and for every time she would try to take a step forward in their physical relationship, it would end up putting her two steps back. This was all so new to her. She wasn't used to being able to kiss someone the way she wanted to. She wasn't used to the feeling of pressure against her mouth, of passion that she could taste as much as she could feel.
It was terrible, but she couldn't help but to keep thinking that it was going to end, that in a second, he was going to pull away from her and scold her for being so insistent. But Jasper. still didn't. He even continued to kiss her with the same passion when he moved them. At first, for a hint of a second, Bella thought he was going to pull back when she felt him shift. Again, he didn't. She felt as if she were floating until her back gently hit her mattress and even then, she felt weightless, as if she were walking on air. Another sound left her lips and touched his while her arms moved around him, keeping him close to her.
She never, ever wanted this to end.
Jasper never wanted it to end, either. If he could have, he would've kissed her for days without stopping. Unfortunately he knew that wasn't possible. Bella needed oxygen and he was going to need to feed soon. But he wanted this so much, he wanted her. He wanted to wrap her up in his passion and hold on tightly.
Both of his hands were beneath her shirt, his arms under and around her. One hand was splayed across the width of her back while the other traced slowly up and down her side. He had never been so bold in how he touched her before, but he was so indulged in his passion for her that he couldn't help it. Jasper broke the kiss again to allow her another breath, then parted his lips and kissed her even deeper than before, if such a thing was possible.
Jasper wanted more, he wanted so much more. But he knew he simply had to keep his wants to himself right now. He could feel her slight insecurity beneath her passion and the next time he broke the kiss, he nuzzled her cheek.
"I'm not going anywhere," he whispered, then sealed his promise with yet another deep kiss.
Jasper was a constant surprise. He still, much to both Bella's surprise and delight, did not pull away from her. She was kissing him as deeply as she could, throwing as much passion into their liplocks as was possible and still, there he was. Right there. When he pulled back and whispered that he wasn't going anywhere, her heart skipped a beat. Or two.
Did he have any idea of the effect he was having on her? It was as if he were reading her mind just by means of her actions, and he was well aware of her deepest worry – that he would leave, that she would push him too far and he would hurry away.
But Bella wholly trusted him and the kiss he gave her after his touching whispered promise sealed the deal. She felt as if she could have melted beneath him. Her cheeks were burning, sure to be coloring her usually pale face red. But the blush had nothing to do with embarrassment or even, another surprise, insecurity. It had everything to do with passion and desire and the intermingling of the two that his kiss possessed. It was a striking contrast from the way his fingers felt against her skin and surely he would be able to feel how much warmer she was than normal.
She wanted to tell him thank you and express her gratitude, not only for telling her that he was going to stay with her, but for… well. Everything. Making her feel something again, making her heart beat again. How would she ever repay him for that? She decided against thanking him audibly, but she hoped her actions would have conveyed some of her sentiments. As difficult as it was to pull away from his lips, Bella did so in order to move her lips against his skin, tracing his jawline before dipping to lay small, but meaningful, kisses to his neck. One of her hands mimicked his, splaying against his back between his bare shoulder blades while the other move to thread through his hair, one of her favorite parts about him.
As if she could pick a favorite…
Jasper could feel everything that she was feeling just then, and it was almost overwhelming. He was taking it all in, letting it mesh with his own emotions, and then pouring it all back into her with the way he was holding her and kissing her. He wanted Bella to feel all of it too, because this was something that they were creating together. It was something indescribable, something he couldn't put into words but it was so real that it was completely undeniable.
He loved her.
The fact that he couldn't put it into words proved it.
As she pulled away from his kiss, Jasper felt his lips protest, wanting to taste more of hers. He made a sound that could only be classified as a bit of a whimper, but that ceased as soon as she started leaving kisses along his jawline and his neck. The touch of her hand between his shoulder blades caused him to arch his body against hers. He could feel her warmth, and it had intensified from its usual temperature. It was like fire against his icy cold skin.
He knew he had to keep himself in check. This was by far the most intense and intimate they'd been with each other, and he was fine with that. But he knew that it couldn't progress much further. Even though he could be very tender, he knew he also had the capacity to be aggressive in these sorts of situations, and that meant her well-being could be at risk. Jasper wasn't willing to jeopardize that. He didn't trust himself, when one impulsive clutch of her body could snap her spine or shatter her ribcage.
To counter it, he flipped their positioning so that he was lying on his back and Bella was perched over him. He slid his hands up the front of her thighs to rest on her hips and closed his eyes. Her lips on his skin felt unbelievably good.
Bella was aware of the fact that Jasper hadn't fed in awhile and the incident with the newborn earlier on that night had jeopardized his thirst especially. It wasn't the best idea, if one was thinking in the logical sense, to be so intimate with him now. Bella knew there was danger there, or at least, she would have acknowledged that fact if she had been thinking in the logical sense.
But it seemed she rarely did that with Jasper. Instead, it all went back to emotions and the way they were used to strengthen the bond she felt with him. Feeling was easy; thinking was far more difficult. She was a believer that the truth and emotions went hand in hand. It was hard to conceal or deny the way one was truly feeling unless they were good at lying and deceptive practices. Bella wasn't good at either, though the only time she bothered to conceal something she was feeling was for the benefit of sparing others.
She couldn't, however, seem to conceal how she was feeling about Jasper. That much was obvious in her actions. But one thing to remember was that Bella was still very much a girl. A human, teenage girl. This being the first time she was really close to anything such as intimacy – intimacy that extended beyond strained, tense kisses that were always cut short for fear of negative outcomes as she had experienced in the past – there were some insecurities there as well.
What if she was bad at this? What if he wasn't enjoying himself as much as she was?
Even for someone who held doubts like Bella, it would be hard to say Jasper wasn't liking this. But even still, there was a part of her that worried. She was so afraid of pushing him away because she was ignoring logical sense and moving strictly on feelings. For that reason, she waged an internal war with herself.
On one side was that logical thought, fighting to be heard. It said that they should stop for a handful of reasons. One, Jasper's thirst and lack of recent feeding. Two, because Bella had such a fear of him rejecting her, that she should have ended things before there was a chance of such a thing. And three, because again, she was a teenage girl. Teenage girls had hormones and hers had been so repressed that it had potential to be dangerous. Sexual tension caused logical thought to be silenced.
However, on the other side of the argument, her heart was just telling her to let go of everything else – worries, insecurities, doubts – and just… live. That side was the one that started to win when he changed up their positioning.
Her lips continued to move against his skin, kissing his neck, his collarbone, his shoulder (which she noticed had already started to fade in redness). She could no longer see his scars since they were out of the direct light of her desk lamp, but she knew they were there and tried to kiss each one she could remember. As she did though, the logic side of her made an attempt at winning the battle. She remedied it by kissing back up his neck until she reached his ear.
"Are you okay?"
That question would cover a lot of ground and thus, the side of reason and logical thought should have been appeased. It would address his thirst and his control of it as well as whether or not Jasper was okay with her hands and lips all over him. This was the closest they'd ever been to one another and while it was such an exciting and desired thing, Bella couldn't help but to acknowledge that it was also scary as hell.
Bella's age and life experiences were things that Jasper also had to take into consideration. He may have been frozen at nineteen, but he'd lived far beyond the lifespan of a human male, at least twice. More than half of that had been spent mated with another vampire; two, to be precise. He didn't know how far Edward had taken things with her, but knowing his brother the way he did, it probably hadn't been far. Jasper wasn't thinking about any of that, though. He was only thinking of Bella.
BellaBellaBella.
He was consumed with thoughts of her, her scent, her taste, her heartbeat, her warmth, the way her body felt beneath his hands. He hadn't realized how much he physically desired her on top of his affection and adoration of her in every other sense. He knew she was beautiful, that was unquestionable, but this side of himself was one he had not explored with her until now. It was intense, much more than he'd anticipated, and he knew he was going to have to be very careful. Unlike himself, Bella was breakable.
Her question made him slowly cease the way he was rubbing and squeezing her hips, and open his eyes. Her concern for him was touching. He could feel how sincere she was in asking him if he was all right. Slowly, he lifted one hand to touch her face as he had before, and drew her to face him so he could meet her eyes.
"For now, yes. But you are right to question me. I.. I'm afraid I've let my desire for you run a bit too wild and my emotions flood into you without any warning. Is it too much?" He asked, lightly stroking her cheek with his fingertips.
"I love the way your lips feel against my skin," he whispered before letting her answer, brushing his thumb across her slightly swollen lips. That was an undeniable truth. Bella's warm kisses set his skin on fire, and at the same time had such a soothing, comforting feel to them that it felt like she was healing the pain that he felt in his scars.
"You're so beautiful." He gently drew her down into a tender kiss.
This had to be at least a little bit intimidating for her, he knew. She had to know of his thirst, as it was blatantly obvious in his onyx gaze. She also had to know the potential danger of his strength and his wavering control. It made Jasper briefly wonder if maybe she wasn't enjoying this as much as he thought he felt from her.
"Are you.. all right? Am I pressuring you?"
His eyes, though pitch black, showed a genuine concern for her now. He brushed her cheek with his fingertips again, as his other hand crossed over the small of her back and he pulled her down to him in a tender embrace.
"No," she said, shaking her head when he asked if it was too much.
It wasn't. It wasn't enough if anything.
That wasn't to say that Bella wasn't satisfied with this. She was just as happy holding Jasper's hand or sitting beside him as she was getting more intimate with him and sharing more passionate kisses and embraces. But it just felt like now, she couldn't get close enough to him. Feeling his emotions certainly wasn't too much which is what she thought he meant when he said he was fearful it was. Bella liked it. She liked knowing that she wasn't alone in this, in how strongly she felt. They were one in the same.
Her heart fluttered when he complimented the way it felt when she kissed his skin. If he would let her, Bella would honestly be content in kissing his skin for hours upon hours. It didn't matter if he thought it was gruesome or if he was ashamed of it, even though she couldn't see it covered with scars usually. To Bella, it was just as beautiful to her in the bright light from the desk lamp as it was now.
When he called her beautiful though, she ducked her head and chuckled quietly in disbelief under her breath. She couldn't even compare to the beauty that Jasper was used to. His mates had both been ethereal beauties from the moment he laid eyes on them. With both of them, his attraction had been an instantaneous thing. Bella knew for a fact how gorgeous Alice was and from his stories (though her heart might not have been) she gathered that Maria possessed the same striking looks. If he were to see her on the street somewhere in passing, Jasper wouldn't have given Bella a second glance. She was not beautiful by any means. She was simply ordinary. Ordinarily simple. Either way, she didn't know why he would waste a compliment such as that on her.
She kissed him back though when he pulled her down to his lips, delighting in the sweet taste of him. When he stopped to question her, she opened her eyes to meet his. In them, she saw apprehension that needn't be there. He had nothing to fear.
"You're not," she assured him, lifting a hand to brush back his hair from his forehead before leaning down to kiss the skin there. "I've never been better," she promised when he pulled her closer.
Jasper couldn't hear what Bella was thinking, so he did not realize that she was comparing herself to both Maria and Alice when it came to her beauty. Had he known, he would have silenced her at once. No, she did not look much like either of them, but that did not make her any less beautiful. He could see things in her that perhaps she could not see for herself.
Bella had a very classic beauty to her. It was true that he had not always noticed it, but he'd never allowed himself to be close enough to her to really look until he started spending time with her. He'd been with Alice, and she with Edward. Their eyes were for their significant others, and no one else at the time. But he could see her clearly now. She wasn't just Bella to him anymore. She was his Bella. And she was the most beautiful creature in the world to him. That was something he knew he probably could not convince her of, just from how well he knew her. It'd be the same as trying to convince him that he was beautiful, too. Jasper would try, though.
When Bella reassured him that she wasn't feeling any pressure from him, it did relieve him somewhat. He was still nervous about his control and his thirst, but he wasn't as panicked about it as he could have been. Still, he probably wouldn't engage in another intense, intimate exchange again that night, no matter how much he wanted to. He had to be cautious, and he would. But god, did he want to.
He closed his eyes as she brushed his curls off his forehead, then pressed her lips to his skin. It just felt so good to be near her; he couldn't get over that. Jasper lowered his hand from her face so that he could wrap both arms around her and hold her against him. He kissed the top of her head a couple of times.
"I've never felt closer to you than I do now," he whispered, nuzzling her hair.
That was true. Very, very true. He'd shared so much of himself with her, and then they'd spent a very intimate moment together. He felt the bond between them tie even tighter. Jasper gently rubbed her back, keeping her as close to him as possible. They spent the rest of the night like that until Bella drifted off to sleep. There would be time in the future for intimacy and both of them could look forward to that. But for now, each of them was content.
Author's Note: We hope you liked Jasper's story! We also know some of you have probably wanting a little more action between Jasper and Bella. You got some, but we promise that isn't the last of it! You have to keep reading for more! The next chapter is a lighter than this one when the two of them go on an 'official' date. Thanks for reading! Please remember to follow and review! Cheers :D
Lyrics: The Truth Beneath the Rose - Within Temptation