Return to Sender, Damaged in Transit
...
She might actually have feelings for Jesse St. James.
Quinn isn't exactly sure when it started but she knows that somewhere between him constantly hounding her over the summer and him telling her that he didn't want to see a photo of Lucy, she's started to like him. It scares her, to say the least, and she isn't sure she'll be telling him anytime soon but at least she's gotten up to the point where she can admit it to herself. Even when they speak on the phone, she's actually fine with just listening to him gripe about OSU's subpar facilities and how his parents should absolutely allow him to live off campus. That's beyond weird for her. It helps that he also is crazy enough to tell her about things like how he took a Clorox wipe to his shoes after his first basement party.
Nothing has changed at McKinley either. The New Directions are still glee losers, but with a few new additions and subtractions now that Blaine's here and Lauren's not. Her AP classes keep her busy enough but every week Quinn finds herself with less and less of an incentive to even go to glee club. Every now and then Finn will give her a disappointed look (she couldn't care less) or she'll overhear Kurt and Mercedes talk about her and Jesse. The rumours are wild – at one point Santana tells her that everyone's wondering if Quinn's way of redeeming herself for the past two years is lying in bed with a saint. She decides right then that if anyone ever says that to her face, she'll actually slap them. What is surprising is that Rachel hasn't confronted her about anything to do with Jesse since Brittany's party. She acts as though that night never even happened. In fact, the brunette hardly ever speaks to her anymore, unless it's something to do with telling her off for not being enthusiastic enough when rehearsing.
Not that Quinn's complaining.
She doesn't see Jesse anywhere nearly as often as she used to now that he's in Columbus and with all these emotions she's trying to sort out, she's kind of grateful for it. He's not the quarterback or the new kid so there's no reason for her to rush into anything and the distance stops her from getting in her own way.
Of course when Jesse suggests that she should spend a few days in Akron for fall break, she can't say yes fast enough.
He shows her around Akron, pointing out the various places that were instrumental in the making of Jesse St. James and are likely to be featured in a future biography; the entire time Quinn finds herself in awe that he is actually serious about the whole thing. When Jesse asks if she wants to see the motel where there was a 90% chance that he was conceived, she can't take it anymore and mentions that she wants to see Carmel – somehow that manages to distract him.
The moment they reach the school Jesse gets a determined look in his eyes, one that stays from when the pass the trophy cabinet stocked with four Nationals trophies and several of his photos to when they sneak into the auditorium balcony and watch Vocal Adrenaline rehearse. It's not entirely unfamiliar, considering that she had done the same in sophomore year, but she couldn't possibly have ever imagined that she'd find herself wanting to spend time with the cocky male lead she had seen back then.
"They still suck," he says with a self-satisfied smirk.
By New Directions standards Quinn thinks that Vocal Adrenaline aren't half bad but she definitely notices the way Jesse's eyes narrow appreciatively as one girl messes up a chaine turn and everyone has to reset. "Well they didn't win Nationals."
"I didn't think they would. Not with the Asian who just stood there and waved her arms around. It's too bad that you guys sucked even more."
"I'm not one of them anymore," she says all of a sudden, because she knows that of all people, she has to tell him about what's happened in the past week. When he raises an eyebrow she elaborates, "I quit glee."
"How come?"
"I've never given enough of a shit about glee club and I think it's time I did something for myself." She doesn't add that when she told everyone, several people (Kurt and Mercedes) argued that Jesse had brainwashed her into selling them out. Mr. Schue had been confused to say the least.
"Wise choice. Are you going to be a cheerleader again?"
"No. I don't want that." And she really doesn't. "Even if I did, Coach Sylvester would never take me back."
"That's a shame," he says and he almost sounds impressed, "I never did get to see you in that uniform."
She almost says that she still has it in her closet but stops herself, because that would be flirting. She chooses to change the subject instead. "Did you come to help the New Directions just because you wanted Vocal Adrenaline to lose?" she asks, just as a boy almost drops his partner during a lift.
"For the most part," he says, raising his eyebrows noncommittally, "the way I saw it I deserved a fifth title more than they did. I'd be a little more sympathetic if Shelby was still coaching but Goolsby is a douche."
She laughs quietly. "You know what this means right? You can't tease me for being obsessed with being prom queen Jesse," she says with a smug grin.
He rolls his eyes and she's at a point where she can tell the difference between when he's doing it to be mean and when he's doing it playfully – this is definitely playfully. "Yes but the difference is that I've actually won – four times before. I can't help that I got used to it." She smacks his arm a little harder than she intends to and the sound echoes – Jesse has to pull her away from the balcony so that the people on stage don't spot them. "I don't know if anyone's ever told you this Quinn, but the whole point of spying is not to draw attention to yourself."
They leave before anyone has the chance to come upstairs and investigate, practically jogging through the parking lot to get to his car. They're both pretty much laughing the entire way and running behind him, with the wind whipping her hair feels easy and normal. By the time she reaches the door she's completely out of breath and he flashes her a wide smile before getting in.
His house is big, bigger than hers, and instantly she can tell that he wasn't lying about being the favourite. The cabinets are lined with various trophies of his for all kinds of performance arts and she makes a mental note to use the 'Little Champ' pageant one for future blackmail. There's a beautiful grand piano in the living room too and it's obviously been used a lot more than the one in her own house. For how neat and put together everything else is, the piano area is anything but. Sheet music is strewn everywhere and when she's looking at a few photos of him from Nationals, Quinn catches him trying to make a half decent stack of the papers.
"Have you been practising a lot recently?" she asks, leaning against the piano.
"More than usual. Even if I have to be at OSU, I'm going to make sure I'm the best. Last week, this girl purposely screwed up my accompaniment during a solo."
"Did you mess up?"
"Of course not," he says with a look of contempt. "I've gotten used to people like that over the years. And I made sure to return the favour."
Quinn just smiles because one, she's a guest so she can't exactly call him out on his diva antics and two, she's not exactly innocent when it comes to playing dirty either. "Play something for me," she says on a whim. "Something that you're working on."
He fingers hover over the keys before he stops himself and looks at her. "I have a better idea. Sing with me." He gives her his charming smirk and shifts over on the bench to make room.
She doesn't move. "No."
"But why not? Don't worry, if you're nervous, you can just sing the less important background parts."
And that's exactly why. Singing is something that's Rachel's territory and she's willing to bet that they've sung together countless times. Even if he tells her that he won't judge her, he will because he's Jesse St. James and is judgemental by nature. She doesn't want to be compared to Rachel at all because she will fall short and it's a battle she's lost twice before with Finn. "Not happening St. James," she says, walking away and giving him a coy look over her shoulder, leaving a disgruntled looking Jesse behind her.
The next day, Jesse tells her that he needs to make a stop somewhere and when she asks him if it's the hospital where he was born, she's only half-joking. Luckily it's not and she figures it must be one of his old VA teammates' places because when they get there, it's a pretty huge house. He rings the bell and she waits next to him awkwardly, wondering why he picked today of all days to reconnect with someone he probably cares very little about.
To say that she doesn't expect to see Shelby answer the door is an understatement.
The older woman smiles warmly at Quinn and it almost makes her want to throw up right there. Her head snaps towards Jesse as she struggles to process anything that's happening and he gives her an encouraging smile. "Jesse, Quinn please come in." Shelby steps aside to let them through and Jesse makes his way into her living room. Quinn hesitates and before either Shelby or Jesse notice, she spins around and starts walking back up the driveway.
"Quinn, what are you doing?" she hears Jesse ask and at that point she picks up the pace, passing his car and making her way down the sidewalk.
She can't deal with this. Not now.
That's why she starts full on running in the middle of October in a babydoll dress and ballet flats. Quinn can feel her heart pounding in her chest and she's bordering on tunnel vision but she just keeps going, passing house after house after house.
Beth.
All that separates her and the baby – her baby – is a door and if she had stepped inside Shelby's house, she would have seen the very face that she's been thinking of for more than a year. She'd see her face maybe even hold her little hand and it'd be everything she's ever wanted. But she can't do it. Once she sees that face, she knows she'll never be able to forget it – it's one of the reasons that she hadn't let Puck take a single photo of their daughter that night in the hospital.
She hears feet thudding behind her and it's as though she's coming out of a blur – the houses come back into clear view and suddenly she's aware of the fact that Jesse is calling her name. She ignores him and keeps going, hoping that he won't catch her. The hem of her dress is flailing and her feet throb in pain but she needs to put as much distance as possible between herself and that house.
Quinn can hear him gaining on her and when she makes a turn she has to stop because it's a dead end. She swears and by the time she turns around to double back, he's cornered her. "Leave – me – alone Jesse," she says, struggling to form a sentence because of how hard she is panting.
He's out of breath too but that doesn't stop him from taking a few steps towards her. "What is the matter with you Quinn?"
"Nothing. Just – leave me alone."
"No," he says simply.
Suddenly her fear is replaced with sheer anger and she rounds on him, ice queen glare firmly in place. "Who the fuck do you think you are?" she asks, almost shaking from how furious she is.
"Quinn I –"
"Why did you bring me here Jesse?" She's practically yelling but she's well past the point of caring if anyone hears. His eyes widen slightly at her sudden outburst before his face sets into a frown.
"You said that you think about Beth all the time. I thought you wanted this."
"Yeah," she says sarcastically, "seeing my baby with that woman is exactly what I wanted."
"Quinn, that woman is her mother," he says, edging a little closer to her. Quinn almost argues back but stops herself, shifting her gaze from his face to the ground. "Shelby's her mother."
"I'm her real mother."
"You're not her mom."
The words sting and she almost flinches as he says it. She's not going to cry. Not here and not because of this. "What I told you was personal," she says, through gritted teeth, her eyes boring holes into his face, "you had no right to do this."
"Don't you want to know what she looks like?"
"No."
"Quinn, you're being –"
"Shut up." She pushes past him and begins walking away again.
"And where exactly are you going?" he asks, calmly as ever.
"I don't know!" she shouts hatefully, without turning around. "Home!"
"Right, enjoy the walk." She sighs angrily and spins around to face him again and he's staring right back, arms folded. "Shelby wants you to be a part of Beth's life."
"How do you know that?"
"Because I asked her before coming here. As difficult as it may be for you to believe I'm not that insensitive," he says, giving her an unimpressed look.
"That doesn't change anything. I'm not going back there so give it up."
"Well you have no choice in the matter Quinn," he says with a slight shrug of the shoulders.
"You can't just make me see her."
"If you remember, I won our little competition over the summer, and I've decided that I want you to meet Beth."
She stares at him in outrage and she doesn't know how he's still holding her gaze. Any other boy would've cowered by now. "That has nothing to do with this and you can't just do that."
"I told you then that I had yet to determine what I wanted and I want you to do this. It's only fair Quinn."
He's insufferable and an asshole and if he was standing just a little bit closer, she would've punched him in the face.
It's another twenty minutes before they walk up Shelby's driveway all over again and Quinn remains behind Jesse, using him as somewhat of a human shield. Once more the door opens and Shelby's standing there, looking slightly more concerned than last time. Nevertheless the woman still smiles and greets them warmly, the entire time Quinn feels like there's a lump that's the size of a golf ball in her throat. She forces herself to put on something like a smile before Shelby leads them into her living room, letting them both sit on her couch.
Jesse and Shelby are talking but everything they're saying is fuzzy and Quinn's entire body starts to feel feverish just at the thought of being in the same house as her daughter. Shelby asks if they want anything to drink but Quinn doesn't answer and Jesse ends up asking for water on her behalf.
"Quinn, you don't have to feel like you're intruding," says Shelby as she puts down the glass of water.
"I don't –"
"I gave Rachel up and spent my life wondering what she looked like, if she liked the same things I did and if…she was happy. I don't want that for you and I don't want Beth to ever think that you didn't care enough."
"I know," she replies, when she's sure her voice won't crack. "So when can I see her?"
"Right now." Shelby gets up to go and bring Beth from upstairs; Quinn feels like she's going to be ill and thinks about just bolting out of the door again. Jesse must read her mind because he puts his hand on her knee and squeezes, distracting her from the sudden onset on nausea.
She hears footsteps come down the stairs and suddenly there's Beth, in Shelby's arms, head resting on her mother's shoulder. Her chest tightens as Shelby turns the girl around and when she gets to see her face, all she can think of is how even though they share looks, Quinn means absolutely nothing in Beth's world.
After a few seconds, she has to look away and then she sees Jesse smiling a little exaggeratedly at Beth - something that strikes Quinn as oddly calming. Beth laughs and Shelby promptly puts her on the ground facing him. He kneels down off the couch and holds out his arms; when Beth stumbles into them and he holds her, it's so cute that she wants to hit something and cry at the same time.
Eventually he turns towards Quinn and from this close; she can also tell that the little girl has Puck's fiery hazel eyes that seem to suit her perfectly. Jesse holds Beth out towards Quinn and she hesitates; she looks from Beth to Jesse to Beth again and somehow she just…can't. "You're good with her," she says quietly, moving back a little. Jesse opens his mouth to say something but then shuts it again and gives her a small, understanding nod.
Quinn's not sure if she's even ready to be in Beth's life but she knows, right then, that seeing Jesse rocking the laughing little girl on his knee is something she'll always remember.
It's late in the evening when they drive back to his house, listening to 'Bennie and the Jets' on the radio.
It's not even remotely appropriate considering what she's feeling but Jesse loves the how hard Elton plays the piano and well, it's not as though things makes sense anymore anyway. He starts to sing along and she thinks he's doing it more out of habit than anything else; when he hits the chorus, she hums along, quietly, if only for the reason that it'll distract her from thinking about what she's leaving behind. Jesse turns his head towards her and she abruptly stops, turning away from him.
"Don't," he says and he actually sounds a little awkward, like he's trying to stop himself from saying too much. "You sound nice."
"We both know that that's a lie Jesse," she says looking down at her hands, "I'm not good."
He rolls his eyes a little and before she can be offended by that, he's talking again. "Look, even I can admit that sometimes it's not about pitch or tone or...any of that. This is one of those times. So—keep going."
He turns up the volume and smiles before reaching over and putting a hand on top of hers, one that stays there until they've stopped in his driveway.
...
Author's Note: Sorry it's been a while since I've updated, I've just been kind of swamped recently but this chapter's kind of long too. I hope to have the next one up a little sooner. Please do leave reviews, even if you've added this to your favourites or alerts, I'd love to know what everyone thinks of where I'm taking this :)