Behind these Castle Walls

TI ft. Christina Aguilera

Chapter 1

…..

As I walk these halls, I hide my tears…my emotional scars …behind every smile…behind my bitter remarks. I am respected yet feared. I have everything, and it is still not enough. What I want can not be attained: Perfection. All my life I have put this immense amount of pressure on myself to succeed…but it is never enough…I am never enough.

Katie closed her eyes as tears fell on her assignment. She tried to stop them; she tried to be strong, but no matter how hard she tried…they wouldn't stop. She couldn't let people see her like this…the Queen Bee of Degrassi. She didn't even know how much she was harboring until she began writing.

Ms. Dawes looked at Katie writing her assignment. She noticed how her tears streamed down her face. All she wanted was for her students to write a personal reflection essay. She didn't think the assignment would bring her to the brink of despair. She noticed how the young girl would try to discreetly wipe her eye…as if something was in it.

"Katie, can I please see you outside." Ms. Dawes asked quietly touching her shoulder. "Class continue working."

"Sure…." Her voice became hoarse as she took a deep breath. Her eyes were more than likely red now. Her mask was falling.

"I am a little bit concerned about you Katie. You are a brilliant student, but…is student president to stressful for you?"

"No!" She exhaulted. "I mean…no…its not…" She said in a calmer manner. No one would take this away from her. She worked so hard to accomplish this.

"I understand if it is…you have college interviews and finals…sometimes our body needs a break." Ms. Dawes noticed the mixture or worry and frustration on her face.

Katie knew she was right, but she was fine. All of this would help her in the long run. This was a test for her…a test she would overcome.

"Those tears have been kept inside a while. I can tell. You can go talk to…."

"I don't need to talk to ." She said tartly. "Not to be rude, but I am fine. Can I go to the bathroom?"

"….Yes…make it quick." Ms. Dawes watched her walk off. She could only help those that wanted help.

…

Drew knew Katie was unhappy…but he didn't know what he could do to help her. Every time he tried to talk, she would shut him done. She would put up this wall he couldn't get through. Maybe he was doing something wrong.

He was letting Bianca get to close. He knew this, but she had to understand he was trying to do the right thing. Bianca had no family. She had no one.

"Let me guess, Ms. Pres is having one of her fits…and she says Clare is the drama queen." Bianca walked up to his locker as the bell rang.

"Not this again B. I like her." He said rolling his eyes at her usual comments.

"I know you do….but a person can only be shut out for so long." Bianca hated seeing Drew look like this. It was the look of defeat...but she held her tongue as they walked to class.

…

Unbeknownst to many, Julian was trying his hardest to help people…not hurt them. As he became a senior, he realized the same things didn't interest him…parties, girls, being popular. He had too many things to focus on at home….but he did want to make his last year memorable…

And this idea was just about as good as any. Walking to the Student Council room, he knocked on the door.

"Hey newspaper girl….I have…." Julian said stopping midway in his sentence. He had never seen Katie like this before. Her eyes red and her hair a little disheveled. Someone had a long night of studying.

"ummmmmm….Never mind…I'll just talk to you later." He stated.

"Yeah…that's best." She sharply said embarrassed that someone saw her in this state as she tried to finger comb her hair. She knew Julian would tell Drew…but what's the use. Bianca would just get in the way.

This was the price of perfection. This is what it cost to be the best and to be envied by others. She thought as she walked in the bathroom stall. The linoleum toilet was all she needed to make her troubles go away.

Flashback

She hated when her mother drove them to school. She would try to tune her out, but she couldn't. She hated hearing about her mother's glory days. It made her realize how she would never measure up to anything.

"You know those applications won't fill themselves out…..Banting is going to be so wonderful for you. I remember how I was on the Dean's List every semester….." Her mother chirped away.

"Mom…can we please talk about something less bland." Maya asked rolling her eyes….for Katie's sake. Katie turned her head smiling to her in the back seat.

"What can be more fun than college….networking….making something of your life? Katie has great potential. I can actually see you doing more than I did. You won't have any time for boys." Her mother stated seriously.

"Mom….that's impossible…you were president of your sorority, and your honor society…and almost everything else…besides Drew isn't the problem." The queen bee tried to make her mother listen. What was the point?

"Then why else have you been in the clouds lately….before you know it…you will be in college…you can't let relationships get to you." Her mother said with as she dropped her off. She didn't even say goodbye.

"Don't let her get to you." Maya rubbed her back.

Everyone saw her as their backbone…but where was hers? Who would be there for her when she needed it?

"Just breathe…just breathe." She tried to ignore her inner voice telling to throw it all up. She closed her eyes hoping she would have the courage to leave the bathroom, but she could not. It teased her…the toilet was making her relive her heartache and pain.

Gripping her hair, she began to raise the toilet seat…

"Sis…." Katie immediately stopped. One more second and she would have done it.

"Maya…?" She came out the stall washing her hands ignoring her little sister's concerned face.

"You did it didn't you?" Maya asked. She knew her sister. She hated their parents for forcing them into this lifestyle. She was the rebellious one, but Katie was always the aggressive over- achiever. She wanted to make their parents proud.

"No I didn't….it just gives me peace at time. Don't worry about me. Enjoy your first year." The two hugged as they walked out. Katie couldn't tell her she was about to. She couldn't disappoint her little sister.

…..

Bianca wanted Drew happy…even if it was not with her. That was what the true definition of love was. But the other part of her knew that Katie was all wrong for him. What made her even hate the situation more was that underneath it all, she liked Katie. She really did.

She was a little high-strung…but overall a good person with good intentions. They were both strong in two different ways. Katie was driven by her need to succeed; Bianca was driven by her need to survive.

Her life was going well with Vince in prison. It was good waking up and not having to cover up bruises by the time she got to school. It was good to wake and look forward to the day ahead.

Putting her books inside her locker, she noticed Alli walk by…

"Backwoods Bhandari…." She said as Alli was about to cry. She wasn't wrong to judge…especially with her track record…but she could never do that to someone she called a friend.

As they say, old habits die hard.

…..

Katie sat in the SC office collecting her thoughts. She almost gave in. she did…and the sick part about it was that she wanted to give in. She wanted to make all of this go away. Drew thought it was him….it was everything….it is everything…she felt that if she screamed no one would hear her. She needed saving but she didn't know what from.

Grabbing the manila folder, she looked through it at her and Marisol's upcoming events. Of course, parties were the only thing on her agenda. As for her, she wanted to do anything to raise money for charities. But how could she help others if she couldn't help herself.

Walking over to the file cabinet, she winced in pain rubbing her knee. How could she have been so irresponsible at the cabin with Marisol?

"You need to go see a doctor for that?" Julian walked inside the office as she looked at him with confusion.

"This is my study period and Drew told me I could mostly find you here."

"I'm fine." She became irritated putting up the folder. Julian noticed this. He wasn't one who usually held his tongue, but he would let her attitude slide this time.

"I wanted to run an idea by you." He put his hands in his pockets.

"No….Drew has already tried…" She tried to dismiss him.

"You don't even know what I'm going to ask." He rolled his eyes at her. This was why he kept his distance from her…because she thought she knew everything.

"Let me guess…fighting." Katie walked back to her desk organizing him. She had better things to do.

"….yeah…but wrestling…..donations for wrestling tournaments….legal loophole."

"I don't do loopholes….Simpson wouldn't buy it anyway. Look I'm not trying to be snarky but today is not a good day for me."

"It never is…." Julian walked out slamming the door as Katie made an awkward step…making her knee hurt again.