When she says she wants somebody else
I hope you know that she doesn't mean you.
And when she breaks down and makes a sound
You never hear her the way that I do ;;
Bella didn't want to deal with more negativity. It seemed, though, that it wished to deal with her. Specifically, with her and Jasper together. After the meeting at the Cullen's when there was a murder in Forks, Carlisle kept his word about getting in contact with the wolves. He respected Jasper's wishes and did not yet ask them for an alliance with the pack, but he stressed the importance of what was happening closer to their town now. It was vital that the pack understand that the Cullens were not the ones responsible for the deaths and that any ideas of such a thing be extinguished immediately. Breaking the treaty would not end well for any of the parties involved and those in La Push couldn't start pointing any fingers in order to maintain that upstanding agreement.
But even if the good doctor seemed to do his part as far as convincing them was concerned, Bella knew they would still be apprehensive. Even though Jasper told her that she was worth something just by being with him, she still felt as if she had to do more. She wanted to do something that would benefit everyone, not just Jasper, even though he was first and foremost to her. As mentioned when they all met in Carlisle's study, she thought she could do this by talking to the pack. At the very least, she could talk to Jacob and be able to get some sort of understanding on where the Cullen coven stood in their eyes in light of the imminent danger on the town of Forks. She was determined to somehow help in this way – by being a connection between the two forces, a neutral one that could mediate if need be and act as a messenger of sorts.
So, one day when Jasper was hunting, Bella decided that it would be a good time to pay a visit to La Push. She knew that Jake was still hurt about being pushed out the last time that he'd planned to spend some time with her, but he still agreed to see her. While she did plan on talking to him about his thoughts on the recent killing and the conversation that Carlisle had with Sam, Bella was also just happy to spend time with him. Their day, though she wondered how well Jasper would have approved, was spent riding their motorcycles. It had been a long time since Bella got on her bike, but it felt nice to start up the practice again. While she was no longer in need of doing it because it was dangerous; in fact, she would rather have avoided that part of it. She was simply doing it because it was something she liked. To her, it was fun and it was something that she and Jake had shared and bonded over.
The day hadn't ended as well as she would have thought, though. At the mention of the Cullens and the conversation that Carlisle had with the pack leader, Jacob's mood switched off completely. But he was less concerned with what Bella was actually referring to – the pack's thought about the possible army of newborn posing a threat – and much more intent on voicing his opinion about what he'd seen last time he showed up at Bella's house. It was as if she'd opened a floodgate and every ill feeling Jake had been holding against Jasper came spilling forth in a fury. Bella could hardly get a word in edgewise while the boy went on a rampage about 'that filthy leech' and how he was 'taking advantage' of Bella by guarding her house and getting a lot more out of the deal.
What started out as a pleasant day turned sour immediately after that. The two of them got into a heated argument. Bella didn't often get angry with Jake, but when he continually put down the man that she loved, there was no chance that she could remain calm. Putting an abrupt end to their time together, she turned on her friend, telling him that she was leaving as soon as Jasper came to get her. Pulling out her cell phone, she called to see if he was anywhere close yet. She didn't give him any details of why she wanted to leave so suddenly, but her tone read into the fact that something had happened and it was serious. All she wanted to do was get as far away from Jacob as possible as soon as possible. She wanted Jasper.
"Stop following me, Jacob!" she hissed, walking faster toward the border of the reservation. She planned to walk as far as she could until Jasper came. Just as long as it was away from Jake. But Jake was persistent and he wasn't about to give up. If anything, his determination continued to grow with every step Bella took.
"It's his kind that's responsible for these people getting murdered, Bells! I don't know why the hell you're constantly with him. He's just waiting for the right time to strike. I bet a million bucks you're going to be the next-"
"Shut up," Bella snarled, walking faster with her arms tightly crossed over her chest.
Jake was quick to follow though. "All it's gonna take is another paper cut. One little drop of your blood and you'll get a first hand account of just how friendly that damn leech plans to be."
"That's enough, Jacob!" Bella shouted as she spun on her heel to let him face her fury head on. "I'm so sick and tired of you saying-"
But she wasn't given the chance to finish. When she'd turned, Jake took advantage and when she was caught off guard, he caught her in his arms and crushed his lips to hers before she even had a chance to realize what happened.
Jasper always felt more at ease around Bella after he'd hunted. He felt less on edge, and was able to relax more in her presence when he'd temporarily satiated his thirst. So he'd gone hunting, having left that morning and spent the day having his fill on some of the wild life he came across along the way. The only thing missing from his trip? His family. Jasper had always felt like the token outcast of the family, and while that was mostly self-imposed, he recently felt it even more.
After the outing of his and Bella's relationship, Rosalie wouldn't even look at him, which made it difficult for him to spend any time with Emmett. Jasper understood; Rosalie was his wife, and Emmett had to make her his priority as well as keep her as close to being happy as possible for the sake of everyone else in the house. Carlisle and Esme weren't excluding Jasper from anything, but Jasper didn't want to talk about the situation. Esme over compensated by wanting to hug him a lot, or ask him about his day. It was just a little too much for Jasper right now. With Carlisle, he just spoke to him about possible tactics for handling the newborns. So, he'd gone hunting by himself. It wasn't terrible; Jasper had been on his own hunting schedule more often than not recently with how often he stayed with Bella.
When he received Bella's phone call, he'd just finished cleaning himself up at the house after returning from his brief trip. He hadn't understood why there was such urgency in her voice at the time, but it was enough for him to sprint to his car and tear off at full speed to get to her. He hadn't been happy with the idea of her going to La Push in the first place. It was no secret that he couldn't stand Jacob and knowing that she was going to be with him all day had made Jasper a little extra ruthless with his prey throughout his trip. Now that Bella had called requesting he pick her up immediately, Jasper was left to wonder what the hell Jacob had done to upset her. But mostly, all he could think about was getting to her and making sure she was all right.
Jacob, on the other hand, could only think of making Bella see his point. Why was she so head over heels for this blood-sucking family? They'd all abandoned her, left her broken and he'd been the one to pick up the pieces and make it all better. He'd been the one to make her smile again! So why did she have to go running back to them the second they came back to town? With Edward gone, that should have left no one in the way for him to be with Bella. And the way the blonde one looked at her made him sick. What was he trying to do? Compensate for almost eating her? What a joke. He was no good for her. He'd probably been the one to murder that man and the family was trying to cover it up. They probably lied to Bella too, in order to have her do their dirty work and play the middle man so she'd talk to the pack.
All the of the day's happy moments went through the window when she mentioned them. And all Jacob could do was try his hardest to convince her that they were horrible creatures and she was better off staying away from them. She wasn't having it, and he was growing more and more desperate by the minute. After Bella called the unstable leech to come get her, Jake panicked. He started ranting about Jasper, reminding her of how unpredictable and dangerous he was. When that didn't work, he pulled out all the stops. In a last ditch effort to make her his, he grabbed her and kissed her intensely.
Jasper had gotten to La Push pretty quickly. He had to wait on the outskirts, but got as close as he could to the border. Waiting for her was the hardest part. He just needed to see that she was okay, to know that she wasn't hurt, and he'd calm down. What he witnessed was nothing of the sort. More than anything, he could feel them. Bella was extremely uncomfortable and angry. Jacob was angry and desperate. That told Jasper that clearly the dog had done something to upset her, and that did not sit well with him at all. He didn't need a reason to hate Jacob, but he was getting them more and more by the second. He could hear everything being said, how Jacob was telling her that Jasper was no good for her, that he was a liability. Jasper already knew that about himself. He didn't need a dog to remind him of that. The fact that Jacob wasn't backing off after Bella asked him several times to leave her alone, was infuriating. Had he no respect for women at all?
The nail in Jacob's coffin came next.
He kissed her. He kissed Bella. He forced himself on her. Jasper had been out of his car waiting for her when he arrived. He was leaning against the door, forcing himself to stay still so he didn't sprint over the border to try to find her. When he saw Jacob kissing her, he was gripping the top of the door so tightly, he dented it. He dented Annabelle. He couldn't handle it. Jasper ran at the border and stopped just short of crossing it. The only reason he stopped was for Bella. He would have lunged at Jacob otherwise, border be damned, but since the dog was holding Bella he stopped. Jasper growled at him and narrowed his eyes.
When he heard the leech coming, Jacob stopped kissing Bella, but held onto her tightly. He growled back at Jasper and very nearly phased on sight. The only reason he didn't, like Jasper, was because Bella was in his arms.
"You see?" He snarled through his teeth. "He's a danger to everyone!"
Furious wasn't the word. Angry didn't even brush the surface. Bella was pissed.
It took her by surprise when Jacob was so forward with her and took charge a situation that she most certainly didn't want to find herself in. She didn't have even a half a second to react before his mouth was against hers, literally stealing her of her breath. It took even less than that, though, for her anger to set in. Immediately she reacted, though there wasn't much she could do considering Jacob's strength, both his physical strength and the strength of his determination to make her see that he was the one she should have been with, and his frustration that he wasn't already. He'd wound a hand into her hair to keep her face close to his and his other arm was wrapped around her waist to pull her flush against him.
Bella couldn't move, but that didn't mean she didn't try. She squealed with detest when Jake's lips moved over hers and her hands pushed against his chest. Jake, of course, didn't budge no matter how hard she tried. The only thing that could have been possibly any worse about this situation became known as soon as there was the sound of a car and a growl shortly to follow.
Jasper. Jasper was there and witnessing what was happening.
Though it wasn't any sort of benefit to the situation considering it was something that Bella would never want Jasper to have to see such a thing (let alone have it occur at all), Bella felt some kind of relief. His presence at least caused Jacob to stop kissing her. Gasping for a breath of air, she noted how much her lips burned. It had been like putting her mouth against an open flame to be so forcefully kissed in such an unwanted manner.
Jacob, though, still had the audacity to not let her go. Even worse, he blamed Jasper, named Jasper as the villain. "Jacob…" she hissed, still catching her breath. "I swear to God if you don't let me go right now, I'm going to be the biggest danger to you."
Her tone was livid, dripping with anger. But Jake didn't even seem to hear her. He was too busy staring down the vampire who'd arrived on the scene and interrupted his attempt to win over Bella. Instead, his hold on her only tightened despite her warning, subconsciously trying to protect her from the intruder.
"Jake, stop! You're hurting me!" she protested, wincing when his arms tightened around her.
He obviously didn't know of his strength and how it affected someone who was so much more fragile in comparison. But her words had gotten through to him, which Bella had hoped they would. The last thing Jake wanted to do was hurt her and so the words struck him back into realization. That, paired with the slight sting against his forearms that he noted when he looked down. Bella, unable to do anything else, dug her fingernails into his skin and scratched his arms to try and get him to loosen them. When the wolf saw, he released his grip on her enough for her to wriggle out of his grasp. As soon as she did, his dark eyes snapped back to the leech again, a growl again emitted from his throat.
Bella, stumbling away from Jake after her feeble attempts to strategize a method of escape had been rewarded, couldn't turn away fast enough to get to Jasper. She reached him and immediately threw her arms around him. It was not like Bella to be so dependent, so reliant on a person in such a desperate manner of display. But she needed him. She needed to feel safe and protected by him after the horror of what just happened.
The reaction was enough to make Jacob snap enough to push him over the edge. He phased with another growl, angry at himself for getting distracted for a moment long enough to send her running right back into that leech's arms. He was foaming at the mouth in anger, ready to pounce on the bloodsucker in a split second had Bella not been clinging to him. He was beginning to contemplate ways to still rip him to shreds without hurting her when he watched her react again.
"Jasper," she said firmly, her voice still shaking with anger. "Jasper let's go," she urged, pushing him gently back toward Annabelle. She didn't wait for him to open the door for her this time. Instead, she opened his driver side door and slid in that way so she could keep a hold on his arm the entire time and make sure he wasn't about to attack Jacob.
"Please," she pleaded. "Let's leave."
Jasper was livid.
He wasn't sure when the last time was that he'd been so infuriated, and he didn't care. All he could think about was getting Bella as far away from Jacob as he could. That, and ripping the dog apart limb from limb with his teeth. When Bella announced that Jacob was hurting her, it was all Jasper could do not to fulfill his thoughts and rip Jacob's arms off him right then and there.
Somehow, she managed to get free and as soon as he was able, Jasper wrapped his arms around her and held her against him. She smelled horrible; the scent of dog was extremely potent, but he didn't give a damn. He had her with him again, and she was away from that bastard. The nerve of him holding Bella like that as a shield to keep him from attacking. How much lower could one get? Using a lady as cover? The only reason he didn't kill him was because of Bella. He wouldn't do something so violent in front of her.
Unlike Jacob, Jasper shifted Bella around to put himself between her and the dog as they moved towards the car. He refused to turn his back on Jacob, because he didn't trust him in the slightest. He'd wanted to answer Bella's pleas with comforting words, but vocabulary escaped him at this point in time. All he could do was growl in Jacob's direction. He didn't even flinch when Jacob phased. He'd been expecting it. Jasper did not hesitate to show his deadly white teeth, snarling right back at him, unafraid. But he knew Bella wanted to leave, and that was probably the best course of action. Once she got into the car he followed suit and shut his freshly dented door. He turned the car back on, and sped off and away from the border.
Even when they'd put some distance between themselves and the border, Jasper was still beyond angry. He was gripping his steering wheel so tightly, it was stressing the finish. Had he gripped any tighter it would have snapped by now. His jaw was clenched, his eyes were narrowed, and he was not breathing. He was even angrier right now than he'd been when he fought the newborn. The only time he took a breath, was when he needed to supply air to growl. He wanted to ask how she was, if she was okay or if she was still hurting from where Jacob had squeezed her so tightly, but he just couldn't speak. He was so upset, that he felt opening his mouth would just make everything worse.
To an onlooker, it would have looked like the two of them had just gotten into an all-out war with one another and the anger lay between them in the car as they drove away. But Jasper and Bella weren't angry with one another. They were both angry at the same situation, the same personmore specifically. Bella couldn't even tell the difference in their moods anymore, where her anger started and where Jasper's began, considering they were both exuding the powerful emotion above anything else.
Bella couldn't remember the last time she was genuinely mad. It could be sure, however, that this was a time when the emotion was at the highest it had ever been for the girl. It seemed to have snowballed. From the second she brought up the Cullen's, Jacob didn't let her have a breather. He instantly started in on verbally bashing the people she loved, one in particular whom she loved the very most. It hadn't been enough just to state his opinion though. He had to take it to a physical level. Bella didn't know what he thought he was going to accomplish by kissing her like that. Surely he already knew that she was pissed at him for the way he was acting – she'd called Jasper immediately to come get her. But that hadn't stopped him. She wondered if he'd even thought for a second about how she would react. Did Jake truly think that she would want him to advance on her like that? Did he think that she would enjoy that? If either had been in his thought process, he would have been so far off the mark.
It was bad enough that it angered her. It was bad enough that it happened to begin with. But it made it a hundred times worse that Jasper was subject to witnessing the entire thing. She didn't doubt that Jake knew he was close, knew that he would see it. Maybe that's why the dark-haired boy kissed her to begin with – he wanted to get a reaction from Jasper. But if anything could cause her anger to double, it was the fact that Jasper was hurt in the process. He had to see it. Bella would have told him about it for certain. But somehow she thought it was much worse that he had to bear witness to the display. A part of her, because she wasso mad, wished he would have just took a shot at Jake, roughed him up for what he did. She wouldn't have minded taking a couple of bruises if it meant that the wolf would be put in his place. They would have been better sores than the way her ribs ached from where Jacob squeezed her so possessively.
No matter how angry Bella was though, she knew she had to calm down. At least, she had to calm down enough to focus on Jasper. When she looked over at him, she was almost taken aback by his expression. She would have been had she not probably held the same one a moment before. His eyes were narrowed into slits and they looked dark despite being a vivid gold from his very recent hunting trip that morning. His knuckles looked paler than usual, gripping the wheel so tight that Bella really did have to wonder how it was holding up against his strength. He wasn't speaking and for awhile, she didn't either, unsure of what she could possibly say. When he growled however, she knew she had to say something to at least try to calm him.
"Jasper, you're hurting Annabelle," she said, her voice sounding somehow strange the first time it was used after speaking so angrily before. She uncrossed her arms from her chest and put a hand on his leg, rubbing his thigh gently.
"Let's go to our carousel," she said. It would be a place where he could calm down. There was nothing but happy memories there, nothing that Bella thought could anger him further.
The fact that he could feel how furious Bella was about the whole thing wasn't helping him to calm down. It wasn't her fault; she had every right to be angry. He just knew he needed to calm down or else he might either turn the car back around and run over Jacob, or break the car in the process of driving. The nerve that Jacob could do something like that to a lady was bad enough. The fact that the lady was Bellahad made it infinitely worse. Jasper couldn't stop replaying the situation in his mind, which certainly wasn't making it any better either.
He just needed to focus on the road. It would do them no good if he wrecked the car and hurt Bella. He just.. needed to think about something else. But how could he? What Jacob did was unforgivable. Jasper tensed further at first when he felt her hand on his leg. He realized an instant later that it was Bella touching him and the tension melted away. He could feel that she was trying to calm herself down, and that made him feel a little guilty because he knew she was probably trying to do that for him.
"I already dented her," he said quietly, keeping his eyes on the road. "You don't have to repress your anger for my sake, Bella."
Jasper turned the corner and started on the route that would take them to their sanctuary as she requested. He wasn't sure if he was going to be able to calm himself down anytime soon. There seemed no end to his anger, but he knew that if there was anyone who could make the anger go away, it was Bella. The problem was that she shouldn't have to be trying to make him feel better. He should be the one helping her. She was the one who had been violated and yet she was trying to help him calm down? There was something very wrong with that. But Jasper simply could not help it right now. He knew he had aggression issues that went beyond a normal vampire but that shouldn't be Bella's problem.
He fed off of her calm, feeling selfish for it, but it was enough for him to loosen the hold he had on the steering wheel and the anger on his face to shift into a neutral expression. Jasper didn't say anything else for the rest of the drive, but he did manage to find her hand and hold it in one of his. Once they reached the fairgrounds, he parked the car and shut off the engine, then let go of her hand. He got out, then walked to her side and opened the door, taking her hand once more to help her out of the car. Once she was out, he shut the door and started walking with her towards the carousel. It wasn't until they were both sitting in the carriage that he spoke again.
"Are you all right?" He asked, choosing his words carefully. If he'd asked if Jacob hurt her, and she said yes, he would've gotten back into his car and hellfire wouldn't have been able to stop him from going all the way back to La Push and killing Jacob himself.
Bella couldn't decide if it was better that he took her hand or if it was worse. On one account, he was able to hold it which always made her feel good at the way it provided comfort, a reminder that he was close by. But on the other hand, when she touched him, she could feel exactly how deep his anger ran. Or at least, she could get a better idea of it. The fact that he was so upset by it was not something that was lost on her, but she hated that something that nevershould have happened in the first place was the cause of it. It hadn't helped that he confessed to already damaging his car, one of his most prized possessions on account of what he'd witnessed. Bella made a silent reminder to herself to help pay for that at least. It was the least of what she could do.
Even though he told her that she didn't need to suppress her anger, for once, Bella didn't listen to him. She couldn't let him feel what she was feeling. Not on top of the emotions that were already swelling within him. Bella wouldn't burden him in such a manner. That was why when he asked if she was all right, she lied. It wasn't a drastic one, but it was still untruthful. Bella was awful at fibbing and knew that he would probably be able to see right through her, but it didn't matter. Like always, Jasper came first in her eyes. To her, he was always the top priority. He didn't need to be worrying about her right now.
"I'm fine," she said, clenching her jaw when she'd spoken and taking her eyes away from him to examine the new surroundings of their carousel. It was difficult to fib about this one too, when really, her anger was bubbling just beneath the surface.
Jake had hurt her too with the way his arms wound around her so tightly to keep her close to him, but there was no way Bella would volunteer that to Jasper. It would only anger him further she guessed and right now, her main concern was getting him to calm down.
"Don't worry about me," she assured him, gently rubbing his arm.
She tried to think of how she could soothe him when she couldn't just rely on her emotions to do that on their own. She guessed that time would be the most important thing. He just needed time to separate himself from what happen and bring himself back to the present with her.
"C'mere," she said. "Lay your head down." She slid all the way to one side of the wide carriage so he would have enough room to rest his head in her lap.
When he complied, she gently stroked back the hair from his forehead. Bella didn't say anything for awhile, just thread her fingers through his soft curls. The action alone helped to calm her own self down and she hoped it was at least relaxing him a little bit. When she did finally speak, it was very softly.
"Thank you for coming to get me," she said, and it was evident how grateful she was for him in her tone alone.
He knew she was lying. Even without his power, he knew when Bella responded with 'I'm fine' that meant she wasn't telling the whole truth. He also knew that she didn't want to burden him; they were both very much alike in that way, though he wished she wouldn't feel as though she was ever a burden to him in any way at all. He really just needed to get a hold of himself and put his own anger aside, and focus on her.
Jasper would worry about her, and did so even as he laid his head down in her lap as she requested. It felt infinitely better as he rested with her. He was still angry, and his muscles were very tense for several minutes. But as she played with his hair and and brushed her fingers against his scalp, he started to unwind. Eventually he got to the point where he was comfortable enough to close his eyes. Blindly, he found the hand that wasn't in his hair and laced his fingers with hers, then brought that hand to his lips and kissed her fingertips.
"You don't have to thank me for that," he said quietly.
He was glad that she'd called him, really. It made him feel useful, that he could help her. Of course, he would have much preferred that it be under different circumstances that he'd gone to pick her up, but in her time of need, she'd called him. Jasper liked knowing she felt that way about him.
"Thank you for calming me down. I'm.. I'm still.. very angry. But being with you, like this, it's much easier to handle." He sighed softly and held her hand to his cheek. "I'm sorry. I should be taking care of you. This is terribly selfish of me."
He kissed her knuckles and sighed again. He was thinking more clearly now, and he was thoroughly enjoying the scalp massage she was giving him. He loved how it felt to have her fingers running through his hair and when she'd play with his curls. He could see the big picture now. Bella was safe, he had her near him, Jacob was not near, and he wasn't going to touch her again if Jasper had any say in the issue.
"That feels so nice, Bella," he murmured, nuzzling her hand. He'd gone from wanting to tear someone to shreds, to laying perfectly still and calm just from her touch.
It might not have been practical, but there was a small part of Bella that housed doubts about Jasper's perceptive of her feelings. It was silly to think that he could misinterpret her anger and his disgust with what happened, and yet, a worry existed that he would have the wrong idea about the situation. What if he thought that she wanted Jake to kiss her? What if Jasper thought it was something she enjoyed? Such things could not have been further from the truth and yet, it was such a sticky situation that involved very delicate things, that maybe there was some acceptability for her concerns. But Bella didn't know if she should bring these up. For one thing, if the thought hadn't crossed his mind about such wrongful things, then mentioning it might stir up such ludicrous ideas. The doubt may not have existed in him, but if Bella spoke of her worries, then she might be planting the seed. It was a risk she didn't want to take and yet, she was still concerned that he might have come to those conclusions on his own, despite them being false.
She just wished, more than anything, that she could have gone back in time to earlier that day when she and Jacob were having fun. If she hadn't brought up the situation about the newborns and the Cullen's, then she shouldn't have set him off and the day certainly wouldn't have come to such an abrupt, unpleasant end in the manner that it did. But there was no changing what happened and the consequences that followed. For one thing, it put a definite rift in their friendship. Bella was so angry with the fact that Jake hadn't listened to her and even worse, took advantage of a situation by putting her in one that she didn't – that he knew she didn't – want to be in. He was selfish. He even went so far as to hurt her physically with the possessive way he held her, although in being fair, Bella knew he would never have been for that to happen.
When Jasper had calmed, she felt a hundred times better. Every time his lips brushed against her hand, it took away a layer of stress. "Shh…" she uttered softly to stop him from apologizing.
He didn't need to be taking care of her. He just needed to let her look after him. She felt so much better knowing that she was able to do so. Bella could relate to this own thoughts of feeling good at being needed. That was how she felt as well – useful to him now, even if she knew there were so many other factors where she was unable to help anyone. Her fingers continued to weave through his hair, fingertips rubbing against his head gently. She smiled when he told her that it felt good and the sight of him with his eyes closed, looking so relaxed was one that would stick with her for a long time to come. Leaning down, she kissed him. It was brief, considering their positions didn't make his mouth very accessible to hers, but it was meaningful.
There was a hint of a selfish reasoning for kissing him then as well, aside from the fact that she just wanted to. But kissing Jasper took away the burn of the memory of Jacob's lips and the bitter taste they'd left on hers. Kissing Jasper made her temporarily forget about what happened. Kissing Jasper cured everything. Before sitting up, she kissed his nose, then his forehead as well.
"I think I've said it a thousand times, but I love this place." Her tone was quiet, dream-like almost as she closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the wooden carriage, aimlessly twisting a blonde curl around her finger. This place, like Jasper's kiss, seemed to have healing powers.
Had he not been able to feel Bella's extreme discomfort and anger over Jacob kissing her, he might have wondered about the situation. He knew that Jacob had feelings for Bella that ran deeper than friendship, but he'd always felt as though Bella's were platonic for him in return. Part of him was glad that he'd been able to feel the emotions behind the situation. However, a bigger part of him was upset that she had be in the situation in the first place. Jasper never wanted her to feel like that again and if he had his say, she never would. He'd take care of her, and he'd make sure she never went through anything like that ever again.
When she leaned down to kiss him, Jasper turned his head to receive her kiss welcomingly. This had been the longest they'd gone without kissing for weeks, when they were in a position where they were able to. Her lips.. tasted funny. She still tasted like Bella, but there was a hint of something else on her lips that was abnormal. Jasper reasoned it was left over from Jacob's forced kiss. Jasper licked his own lips a couple of times but said nothing. He didn't want Bella subconscious about her lips. He laid there in her lap, letting her play with his hair, very content with this positioning.
"It's worth repeating, my love," he murmured, and curled up a little on the bench. He hugged her hand close to him, cradling it against his chest. Now that he'd calmed down, he was exuding only love from himself, with no more anger.
Jasper wasn't sure that he'd ever called her 'my love' before. He'd told her he loved her, but it was a little different to refer to her that way. He was voicing that he thought of her as his love, that she held his heart, however fragile it might be. She was the one he would've written home to in his human life, the one he would've been fighting to come home to. Now, she was his everything. There was nothing that could keep him away from her, to stop him from loving her with everything in him.
It was only after several more minutes had passed that Jasper sat up. With her hand still in his, he pulled her gently against him and wrapped his other arm around her. He wanted to hold her now. Jasper kissed the top of her head. He could still smell Jacob on her, though it was much more faint after riding in the car at such a high speed with the top down. But he hoped that if he held her close enough and kissed her enough, that his own scent would overpower Jacob's. He wasn't holding her tightly, as he did not want to put any pressure on her body had Jacob managed to bruise her anywhere. But he hoped that if she was sore, his icy temperature and firm body could serve as a cold compress of sorts to make her feel better.
"I really love this place," he whispered against her ear, then kissed her cheek.
The way he referred to her was not lost on Bella. His love. She could get used to that. It did so many strange – and yet, empowering- things. In the greatest extent of it, she felt useful, an idea she had touched upon before. Bella wasn't ever going to be able to fight beside the Cullen's physically. She was never going to be able to manage to take down a newborn, let alone a whole army of them. She wasn't even strong enough to push away an unwanted kiss when it happened. Bella wasn't extraordinary. Her grades were all right, her looks were mediocre at best, and she could hardly walk in a straight line without stumbling and falling over her own two feet. Athletics were a joke and on the complete other side of the spectrum, when it came to things like giving advice, she wasn't the best either. There were so many things that she possessed no sort of special talent for.
But this was something she could do. It required no thought, no effort. It was not a skill, but it was also not necessary a reflex. Instinct perhaps, would be a word that was fitting in some regard. Easy, for certain. That thing – whatever name was given to it – was love. She could love someone with her entire heart. One person in particular. Nothing could challenge that. No vampire, no werewolf, no human, no anything could ever prevent her from that job. Jasper made her feel unlike anyone ever had before. He made her feel like she was worth something. He erased her doubts and fear and concerns, a thought that still baffled her to no end. It was as if he held some sort of magic over her, cast a spell that rendered her useless to anything else except this one vital emotion. Love. His love. It was something she held onto with both hands and refused to let go of.
Jasper would never doubt how she felt about him. Bella would go beyond his ability to read her emotions. She would tell him every chance she had. She would look at him with eyes that spoke what words didn't have to. She would spend hours and hours doing whatever she could to assure him that her feelings for him would never waver.
Now would be a good indication. When he shifted and pulled her close to him, she closed her eyes and savored the way his breath tickled her ear when he whispered to her.
"This is the only place I ever want to be…. Just with you." Threading her fingers through his, she spoke quietly, brushing her thumb over the back of his hand. "This is the only hand I ever want to hold."
Burrowing her face against the side of his neck, she inhaled deeply, filling her senses with his sweet smell. "This is the only scent I even want to breathe." Her free hand lifted so that she could touch her fingertips to his lips, tracing them across the cool contours. "Just these," she whispered. "These are the only ones I want to kiss." Her fingers drifted down to pull his chin in so that she could meet him halfway with exactly that – another kiss.
There was no trace of anything but love in that kiss, the furthest away from the one Jake had initiated. It could be certain that he hadn't meant to – that he in fact, meant to do the exact opposite – but by kissing her, Jacob had only brought she and Jasper closer together. He only made it all the more clear that Bella's words to Jasper just now were the truth. There would never be anyone else. It would always, always just be him. Her Jasper. Her love.
Every moment he spent with Bella, he got to know her better. The more he learned, the more he loved. Even when he did not think it possible for him to love her more, he surprised himself by falling deeper for her. This day was no different. Jasper felt his heart fill with love, making it considerably stronger. His heart, which was so fragile, seemed to be gaining strength everyday too. The more he loved her, the more he felt whole. Jasper needed her, and he needed to take care of her. They needed each other, and they would always have each other. It was an indescribably good feeling.
Jasper watched as she brushed her thumb over his hand, then burrowed her face in his neck, and touched his lips with her fingertips. He was completely taken with her and it showed in how adoringly he was gazing at her. She was voicing exactly what he felt in his heart. There was no one else he wanted to hold, kiss, touch, and love. Bella was his world. Nothing else mattered, so long as they had each other. He turned his head just a little as their lips met so he could kiss her deeply. It was soft, yet the obvious passion behind it gave his kiss much depth. He held her hand, their fingers interlocked. Jasper kept his arm around her, holding her against him as they kissed.
This was how it should be all the time. The two of them should've been able to retreat where they wanted, having their quality time together to be with one another and love each other freely. There shouldn't have been complications like newborn armies, Jacob the dog, and Rosalie. They should've just been able to be Bella and Jasper, able to give themselves to each other and not worry about anyone or anything else. Moments like this should've been an everyday occurrence, not something they had to plan and hope for. But that didn't mean he wasn't happy. Jasper was happier than he ever thought he could be.
He continued to kiss her, deepening the affectionate gesture and holding her a little closer. He wasn't going to trap her against him for fear of bringing back the memory of how Jacob crushed her body to his. He wanted her to be able to move if she wanted or needed to.
He kneaded his lips against hers, sighing softly. "I love you," he whispered against her lips, before kissing her deeply again.
Jasper needed this, needed her. And he needed to take care of her, to make sure she was all right after what had happened to her before with Jacob.
Jacob who? Bella didn't know of anyone by that name. The only name she could register was Jasper. Jasper, Jasper, Jasper. Her southern gentleman. Her soldier. And that was the only name that mattered. When he whispered that he loved her, it was like she could feel every syllable against her lips and with each one, her heart swelled a little more. It felt as if what happened before was just a distant memory, like it almost didn't even happen. Her thoughts were composed entirely of Jasper.
He might have been trying to be more cautious than he normally would have considering he feared striking a similarity to Jacob's brazen actions. But they could not have been compared to one another. While every bit of her had been screaming and fighting against Jake's unwanted intimate touch and forceful kiss, all of those bits craved being touched and kissed by Jasper. If anything, Bella felt as if he could never hold her tight enough. She always felt the desire to be close to him. She yearned for the intimacy of bolder embraces and hotter kisses with him. To her, Jasper would never be too much. She so much would have rather survived on his kisses and gentle, loving gestures as opposed to air or food or water.
So, when he deepened the kiss, she let him know that it was more than okay. Bella met his lips to share in the passion that was slowly being unveiled with every second that the kiss progressed. As far as temperature was concerned, Jasper's mouth was cold, and yet somehow, it was more heated than the searing one that Jacob's had felt like. It was because this was real and it was requited. There was desperation there, but it was a different type than the type the wolf had been trying to convey. Jasper wasn't trying to win her over or keep her there. He wasn't trying to steal her away from anyone. He was just kissing her because he wanted to. He wasn't trying to convince her of anything that she didn't already know. Bella could understand all of this because they were the same reasons she was kissing him back in the same manner. She wanted him. She loved him. That was enough of a driving force.
Apparently so for it wasn't long before the brunette grew braver with her actions. She pushed herself closer against him, parting her lips beneath Jasper's. Her free hand moved to his cheek, brushing against the cool skin to the back of his neck to bring him closer if such as thing were possible. His taste was intoxicating, enough to where she felt like she needed more of it. Taking a second for a breath, Bella didn't waste longer than that before kissing him again, swiping her tongue against his lower lip experimentally. The chill nearly gave her a shock, but it was one she delighted in. She felt as if, as many times as it had happened before, that she were dizzy with Jasper.
Just as he thought before, he still believed that this was how things should be. They should be able to kiss, express their feelings for each other, and be together in every sense without incident. Unfortunately for them, this sort of thing had irreversible consequences that Jasper was not willing to make Bella pay for. It was the curse of him being a vampire and her a human. Their intimacy levels were severely compromised by his biological make up. Namely, his venom.
When he felt Bella brush her tongue along his lip, Jasper froze. He hadn't meant to tense, but he'd panicked for a moment after she got a little bolder with him. Jasper had wanted very much to progress further. There were many things he wanted to share with Bella, many actions he wanted to engage in, but he always had to hold back and be careful. If not for fear of breaking her bones in his grasp, then for something else that could've broken her. In this case? It was, again, his venom.
He sucked in a sharp breath and lightly pulled back from the kiss, putting a couple of inches between their faces. Jasper did not let go of her, but he knew he had to put a stop to that kiss, no matter how much he wanted to hold onto it for much longer.
"Bella," he murmured. "I'm sorry, I.." How could he make her understand without making everything completely awkward? He may have been charismatic, but this sort of thing was so delicate, he was terrified he'd screw up. "My venom.. I can't.. I can't kiss you that way, even though I want to so badly. But it would hurt you." He lightly stroked her back. "I'm sorry."
Jasper lowered his head, trying to fight off the feelings that he was a monster which were surfacing again. He felt horrible for having to tell her no. That was something he'd hoped he would never have to do. Bella should've been able to kiss him any way she wanted, just like any normal couple.
"I want this, you must be able to feel that. I just.. can't.. It could kill you. Bella, I can't lose you."
He let go of her hand so he could have both arms around her, and he was holding her close to him. "I can't control the venom in my mouth. It would just.. spread.. I'm sorry." He felt he was apologizing almost all the time, but that was because he constantly felt responsible for whatever the situation was.
Moments that she wished she could've taken back that day: Of course the entire ordeal with Jacob had been on that list, perhaps to the point where she wished she could have taken back the trip to La Push altogether. She never expected to take anything back with Jasper, though. Bella should have though, for her 'brave actions' landed themselves a spot on the list right underneath the others.
There had been no masking the way Jasper immediately tensed when she took things a step further. Bella felt it the second it happened. Everything that happened afterward was in a flurry. Her heart was struck with something like a sharp pinprick. Rejection. It came in a flash and with it came embarrassment of such an intensity that her cheeks literally almost hurt from burning so badly. She could hardly hear him when he tried to explain. The word 'can't' seem to stand out more than anything else. I can't kiss you. I can't control the venom. I can't lose you. Can't.
Bella was so humiliated. But it was her own fault. She already knew this. She knew better. Why, even for a second, would she permit herself to forget that she wasn't allowed to be so brave? It might have felt exhilarating and exciting for the moment, but the repercussions were… well. Painful. The rejection of it, however necessary and completely unintentional on Jasper's part, shot right to the core of her. It brought back so many images, so many feelings of being pushed away by Edward. He'd done it for the same reason. He was only trying to protect her. He had to protect her. But it was indeed a curse of the difference in species. Bella was only human. She was a human, teenage girl, and she was impossibly in love with a boy. It was so easy for her to forget that she couldn't do what she wanted to in order to express her emotions, but the moment when she was reminded of it, it was a harsh reality. What would happen the next time? When would she know that she needed to stop before she touched him a little bit lower? Pressed against him a little bit too much? Pulled at him a little too tightly? How would she know?
She would know when he told her to stop. Bella would know when she felt him tense in fear like she just did when they kissed. She'd know when he would start apologizing for things that he wasn't responsible for. Jasper wasn't at fault – not in the least. Bella was. She knew – she knew - that it was too much, but she hadn't taken a second to think about it first. Shame was the reason her heart was swelling now and she had to swallow a lump in her throat. Jasper couldn't have known the nature of her previous relationship. He couldn't have known how much this would affect her, even though it was more than necessary. She wanted to explain it to him - had to, but she couldn't even speak at the moment.
How could she have been so selfish? She forced him into this position and was the only one to blame for the intensity of the embarrassment she felt. Bella managed to nod her head, but only to ensure that he knew she'd heard him. The real reason she was nodding was to agree with her own stupidity. For the moment, she couldn't even look at him for how embarrassed she felt. He had to have been so disappointed in her. He had to have been so put off with the fact that she couldn't even control herself for a single kiss. How could she face that? She would never be able to apologize enough for her weaknesses, especially if she was unable to say a word now.
The last thing in the world Jasper ever wanted to do was hurt her. He could feel her pain, her sense of rejection. He didn't understand where it came from, or why it was so deeply rooted, why she was so sensitive to this issue, but he knew that by stopping her he'd really struck a nerve. Since he did not know the underlying cause, he could only assume he was responsible. He felt terrible, even if what he'd done had only been to protect her. It wasn't because he didn't want it. He wanted that and so much more, he just didn't trust himself, and he also knew that there could be potentially disastrous results.
"Bella," he murmured her name, bringing one hand up to cup her cheek. "I'm sorry. Please, I don't want there to be any negative ties to this place - our place."
Jasper didn't know what to do to make that feeling of rejection go away. How could she know that even though he couldn't reciprocate those actions, that she'd done nothing wrong? He brought her chin up to have her look at him, and met her dark gaze with his golden eyes.
"You didn't do anything wrong, Bella," he said softly. "You did.. everything right. I wanted to keep going so much. The only thing I wanted more was to keep you safe. That was why I had to pull back. But.. But, Bella, you.. You have to know what you do to me.. How much I.." he swallowed, his own venom stinging his throat. "..desire you."
He had to find some sort of balance, some way that they could touch and kiss and express their desire for each other and minimize the risk of her getting hurt in the process. There would always be an element of danger, but that went hand in hand of him simply being in her presence.
"How can I best explain this..?" He frowned a little, trying to think of how she might understand what he wanted to convey to her. "Vampires don't have hormones. We can be physically attracted to our mates, but it isn't because of anything hormone driven. It has everything to do with how we make each other feel. Bella.. You must have some idea of what you do to me. I don't believe I've even tried to hide it."
He brought his forehead to hers. "Please know, that this has nothing to do with what you've done, and everything to do with what I'm afraid I could do to you." He kissed both of her cheeks, then brought his forehead back to rest against hers again.
It would take some time to get used to this. Bella wasn't expecting Jasper to be quite so… understanding, so cautious in explaining things not only in a way that she could understand, but in a way that made it clear that it wasn't her fault. In Bella's eyes, it still was her fault because truly, it could have been a situation that was avoided altogether if she had just thought before she acted. But Jasper always had surprised her. That wasn't to say that Bella didn't think he was so kind and understanding to begin with, it was just that in this situation, she could understand how it could have been frustrating for both parties involved.
She let her eyes lift to meet his when he turned her face toward him. How was it possible for him to fix something that Bella thought was broken? She couldn't comprehend how she could be so filled with doubt in one moment and in the very next, it was all but a memory and nothing more. Jasper had some good points when he spoke, the main one being that nothing bad should taint this place. This place was special, sacred even. Nobody knew about it save for the two of them and they'd both expressed how fondly they regarded it. This shouldn't have ruined it. Bella refused to let that happen because she was too consumed with her own humiliation to think of the bigger picture.
"I know," she said softly.
And she did. That, again, was a case where Jasper's ability came in handy. If he had been feeling angry or disgusted, anything that would have indicated that he didn't want her to kiss him in such a manner, Bella would have felt it. She'd felt his fear, yes. His apprehension of course. And that was why she'd felt so awfully about it. But she couldn't lie and say that before, she didn't feel his desire either. It was always so hard to distinguish between the two of them when so often, their emotions were the on in the same with each other's. Still, she couldn't ignore the way her heart accelerated when he said it such things out loud – that he wanted to continue, that he did desire her. Not just her blood. But her. Bella. It made more sense when he explained that the physical attraction came as a result of the emotions tied with it in place of hormones. She had the hormones. For sure. But Bella felt as if she also carried the emotions.
Touching her nose to his when he stopped speaking, she sighed. She felt as if she had so much explaining to do. "I don't think you realize what you do to me sometimes," she said. "You make me forget about everything. I don't even… I can't even think when I'm with you. Just feel. I know I should have thought about my actions. I'm.. I'm sorry I put you in that position, Jas."
Closing her eyes, she sighed again. "I just… want you so much." Lifting her head, she buried her face into his shoulder, kissing it before uttering mumbled wishes against it. "I hate being a stupid human," she said regretfully.
He definitely wanted to put her feelings of humiliation to rest. It wasn't Bella's fault that he was a venomous creature, or that she had hormones. It was an unfortunate circumstance that meant they were going to have to adjust to how they progressed in the physical side of their relationship. Jasper was gentleman and would never engage in anything she wasn't ready for, that they bothweren't ready for. He didn't trust himself in a lot of matters, and one of which had to do with his control. Not just his control of his thirst, but of his desires, too. His passion sometimes got the better of him and he didn't want that to happen with Bella. He was always so careful in how he touched her, making sure he didn't squeeze to hard or kiss her for too long. There were times when he wanted very much to take things to a much more intimate level with her, but he was very guarded in that for several reasons. One being again, his control, and another was because she was still a teenage girl with little experience in that matter. He didn't want to overwhelm her or make her feel she had to engage in anything.
Jasper embraced her gently and kissed the top of her head. "I'm glad that you're not over thinking when we're together. To me, it's most genuine when you just let your emotions come naturally. Putting much thought behind them takes away from the meaning they hold."
He slowly pulled her into his lap and started to run his hands over her body, touching her back, her sides, her waist, her hips, her thighs. "You never have to apologize to me for your feelings. We'll find a way to accommodate for our circumstances. It just might take a little time and unfortunately some trial and error. I want you just as much, my love."
As she hid her face in his shoulder and voiced her distaste with her human self, Jasper chuckled lightly and ran his fingers through her hair. "I love that you're human. I love everything about you," he said softly.
"I treasure your humanity, Bella. You have helped me, being human, in ways I did not believe were possible for me. I never thought I would be able to be so close to a human without frenzying, and look at us now. I can't get enough of you." He nuzzled her hair and breathed in her scent.
"I don't have to stand in the corner of the room with my hands behind my back, holding my breath because it drives me insane with thirst to be near you. I can hold you, kiss you, breathe you in, and love you freely. You did that for me, Bella. You've given me back my humanity. I thought it was lost for eternity," he said softly, his tone very sincere. "I'll never be able to thank you enough for that."
Bella would have to work on her control as well. She might not have been dangerous in the same way he could be on account of his venom, but the way she could get carried away at times was enough to put both of them in a compromising position. That was the last thing she wanted to do. It would be a struggle at times for sure, but the way Jasper spoke of things make it seem like it was something they could figure out together. He seemed so confident that it would work and though she knew that he wasn't intentionally doing it by means of his special ability, he was lifting her spirits. He was so sensitive to her sensitivity. It made such a difference in the after effect of Bella's embarrassment. She realized that because of that, she wouldn't be dissuaded the next time she wanted to kiss him, a thought that had briefly crossed her mind after he'd pulled away when her actions were bolder.
Her arms linked around his neck when he pulled her into his lap and she tried to keep her breathing even when his hands ran over her body. When Jasper confessed what it meant to him that she was human, Bella was touched. She hadn't expected, nor had she realized that she could have had such an effect on him in that manner. That meant more to her than he would ever realize. To know to she had some part in keeping him in touch with his own humanity, with being able to combat some of his deeply rooted internal struggles… She didn't have words for that. When all she wanted was his happiness, it made herhappy to know that he was able to regard himself in a better light. It wasn't hard to see that the past he'd dealt with riddled him with doubts about his self-worth. But if he could only see, just for a second, how he looked in her eyes, those doubts would have been nonexistent. Hearing that she genuinely helped him went right to her heart.
"You have nothing to thank me for, Jas," she said, kissing his forehead. "I'm glad I helped you realize those things, but they're things I've known for a long time. I…" she paused for a moment, brow furrowing slightly as she tried to figure out how to explain what she wanted to say.
"It might sound weird, I know, but… I never really look at you as being different from me. Vampire, human, whatever. I know it's the biggest issue between us, but… I don't know. To me, you're just you. That's all. Just Jasper," she said with a shrug. Pulling him closer, she kissed his cheek before embracing him, closing her eyes as she hugged him to her. "You never have to be more than that," she assured him. "I'll never look at you as anything else. I love you."
Their conversation turned serious, sentimental. But it was so easy. Bella never thought she was any good with words, especially intimate ones, but with Jasper she again, didn't have to put any thought into it. It just came naturally for her. All she had to do was say how she felt and the words all fell into place. Her lips moved against his jawline, tracing the curve of it with butterfly-light kisses. "What were you saying about trial and error?" she asked with a smile against his skin.
Author's Notes: Emotions from all points of the spectrum came into play in this chapter! Next time we'll see Jasper and Bella take a trip to Port Angeles and find out what they get into while they're there. As always, thank you for your feedback. We would love to read more from you! Cheers!
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