Return to Sender, Damaged in Transit

...

It's almost November.

Quinn knows this because her mother's already started planning for Thanksgiving dinner even though it's still weeks away. She knows this because her weekends are now consumed by SAT revision. She also knows this because it marks the start of the new month and she still hasn't spoken to or heard from Jesse. He hasn't called or texted or anything and she knows that she could just act first but she did that the last time they had a fight. And is this a fight? She doesn't even know. He had to have known that she wasn't going to sleep with him anytime soon.

It's been two weeks since the bedroom incident. It scares her that she knows that. It scares her how often she thinks about him. It's pathetic and ridiculous because she's also spent a lot of time thinking about other boys she's been with just for very, very different reasons.

Sam was and still is the nicest guy she knows. (Even if he is dating Mercedes.) And of course, even Quinn can admit his body isincredible. It's half the reason Santana was so quick to take him (the other half being that she just likes taking from Quinn). Even though she wasn't a virgin, something stopped her from going all the way with him. The way she saw it, junior year was her second chance (yes Quinn knows about the born again jokes and they've never been funny) to wipe the slate clean and rebuild what little status she had left. He had even confessed to her that he was a virgin and gave her the ring so that when she was ready she could have her first time the way it was supposed to be. Quinn would always think about how sweet he was and how he probably deserved someone so much better than her.

Finn was the quarterback. Even if the team hardly ever won, he would always have that to his name. Add that to the fact that he was also a 'good' guy and she was head cheerleader and well, it was common sense that they were supposed to be together. The first time she dated him, Quinn would often think about how long they had to sit together for lunch in order to let people know they ruled the school, how she'd make sure to kiss him on field after he scored and how he was always going to be hers. He'd tell her he loved her and she'd smile and say it back but she always wondered if she really did. Looking back, she didn't, at least not then.

In fact the only time Quinn realised she loved Finn was when she was pretending she was pregnant with his child. She caught the briefest of glimpses of just how much he cared when he got a job for her and showed her how he was beginning to childproof his bedroom for when the baby came. Naturally it was too late by then; Finn may have been slow but she was a fool to think that he'd be satisfied with a Cheerios uniform and second base when Rachel Berry thought he was a god's gift to high school girls.

The second time around she always thought about whether he really meant it when he said 'I love you.' Yes he was still sweet but he didn't have the same look in his eyes, the look that told her he thought she was perfect. Perhaps she was naïve for believing he had a look in the first place; for all she knows he may just have been thinking about whether he had remembered to shower that day. Even so, she just knew Finn was supposed to be 'the one.' The one she'd eventually walk down the aisle to. The one who was supposed to hold her hand when she was in labor. It makes her cringe a little now, but she did think about an actual future with him and maybe it wasn't the worst life she could end up living. She let him get further, as far as third base (she had learnt from her mistakes) but she still couldn't bring herself to sleep with him. He had learnt a few things since their last time together as well – she's not sure what makes her want to throw up more, the thought that he learnt them from Rachel or that he learnt them from Santana. In the end even though he said he loved her, he always loved Rachel more.

If Finn and Sam were about building and maintaining her image then Puck was about destroying it – about not being a Fabray, not being good at school, not being a good Christian and not caring about being good enough. Puck was easy too, sure he protested in the beginning saying Finn was 'his boy' but few seductive smiles and spins in her Cheerios skirt were more than enough to convince him. She often thought what Russell would say if he knew his daughter was making out with a mohawked Jew that had a criminal record. It was only supposed to be a harmless flirt with the other side, to see what Santana could have at any time of the day and what Quinn was missing out on. Then she heard a rumour that Finn was checking out Rachel, on the same day that Coach Sylvester called her fat and it turned into so much more.

There were and still are moments when she thinks about what would have happened if she and Puck had kept Beth. The times when Puck would talk about being a father were the times that she was most attracted to him, even without the pregnancy hormones. They showed her that he wasn't a Lima loser meathead – it was just that no one, even himself, expected any better. If she had to put money on it, she'd bet that Puck made it out of Ohio before Finn did. Puck has also been the only one with whom she has ever talked about her father in any significant detail since she was kicked out. But she also knew there was a lot of truth behind Santana's taunts of getting her brains fucked out by Puck – she knew because she was the one sleeping alone in his bed – and she just couldn't let him touch her in that way ever again.

As far as Jesse's concerned, it's completely different. She likes to think she's always two (or five in Finn's case) steps ahead of the game. But Jesse is just as good a player as she is and unlike the other boys he has the capacity to be incredibly mean and the intelligence to make it really hurt. Unlike the other boys, she's not sure if he's good or bad for her. It wouldn't be half as much of a problem if he didn't so good all the damn time.

But attractiveness aside, she can't help but wonder why she let it get so far in the first place. With the exception of her alcohol fuelled night with Puck, she has always been good with setting and keeping boundaries, but of course, it all went to hell with Jesse. Maybe she was really emotional after seeing Beth and just needed someone. A small part wonders if subconsciously she just wanted to spite Rachel but she doesn't think so because otherwise she would have gone all the way with Jesse. An even smaller part of her knows that she let him kiss her because she just wanted to know. She wanted to know if he was really that good, to know if she missed being touched and to know if maybe the reason he wanted to spend so much time with her was that he liked her back. She went about it in the worst way possible and Quinn's mad at herself because by now, she should know better.

Maybe she and Jesse can pretend like it didn't happen. She ignores the part of her that remembers she tried to do the same thing after her night with Puck and what a catastrophic failure that was.

It's not like he can be angry at her for leading him on either because well, she didn't. But she did spend the majority of fall break with him and stay in his house. And of course, he set up the whole meeting with Beth. God, they did all the things that a couple would do and she wonders if he realises that by now or had planned it that way from the beginning. Obviously he's not going to say sorry for what happened and if Quinn's being honest, she has to admit that it's not like she didn't know what it meant when she accepted his invitation either.

Even though she's a little hesitant to call him and potentially have him end whatever it is they have together, what's more terrifying than anything and what she can barely admit to herself is just how lonely she is without him.

There are a couple times of times when she and Santana are in the bathroom doing their makeup that she thinks about telling her everything. Santana's still the most 'experienced' person she knows (minus Brittany but Quinn doesn't see that conservation getting very far) and maybe she'd know something about dealing with someone as mercurial as Jesse. But she's still well, Santana, and Quinn still kind of hates her for the little stunt she pulled at Brittany's party.

It must be some kind of sad, cruel irony that Rachel's the one who she ends up talking to.

It's not by choice either. In fact, Rachel pretty much stalks her after English one day and just when Quinn opens the door to her locker, the tiny brunette is standing right there.

"Hello Quinn," says Rachel, looking up at Quinn with her brown doe eyes, a faint smile on her face.

"Rachel," she replies in monotone. She gives her a cursory glance before she busies herself with organising her books.

"How've you been?"

"Fine." Her tone is cold and while Rachel hasn't done anything to deserve it off late, it's doesn't mean Quinn has any intention of holding a conversation with her. She fully intends on just ignoring Rachel and walking off but when she tries to move past her, the girl doesn't budge. In fact she puts her hands on her hips and straightens up – as if being a few centimetres taller makes any difference. Quinn rolls her eyes. "If you're here to tell me to come back to glee – you're wasting your time."

We do need you back Quinn," she says softly, her face falling a little.

"You have Blaine. He's a better singer and he can do solos. That should be more than enough."

"It's not the same. Everybody misses you."

"No they don't," Quinn cuts her off. "And you know they don't. So stop lying," she says matter-of-factly as she shuts her locker door. Rachel looks away and doesn't say anything. It's not as though Quinn has any interest in listening what she has to say either. Quinn's done playing this stupid game and without the game, there is absolutely nothing to talk about.

Just as she's about to leave for her next class, she hears Rachel say "I didn't come here to talk to you about glee."

Despite her better instincts, Quinn stops in the hallway but doesn't turn to look at Rachel. "What?" she asks.

"I wanted to tell you…I ran into Jesse."

She's thankful she's facing away because it means Rachel misses the split second of confusion that crosses Quinn's face. Since when did Jesse just 'run into' people? And Rachel at that. "Why are you telling me this?" There's a long pause and Quinn can't help but turn her head so that she can just make out Rachel in the corner of her eye.

"He wants to leave Ohio you know."

"I can't say I blame him," she replies, still trying to keep her tone of disinterest. But seriously, since when did they start talking again? Jesse is supposed to still be angry at her for breaking his heart.

"No you don't understand – he auditioned for Tisch."

Quinn actually feels something drop inside of her. She barely registers the shrill sound of the school bell over her thoughts. It hardly matters; she isn't worried about being late now. "What?" Her voice comes out soft and uncertain and instantly she knows she's given herself away to Rachel.

"The Tisch School of Arts at NYU. It's a very prestigious school for the performing arts, one that happens to be own my own shortlist of –"

"I know what Tisch is Rachel!" she interrupts, spinning around. "How do you know this?"

Rachel seems a little taken aback but quickly recovers to say "I…I met him at my ballet class. He told me that he was brushing up before his audition."

Quinn's in shock herself. She can't believe that Jesse chose to tell Rachel this information and not her. And it couldn't have been a spur of the moment thing either, she's knows that applications take a lot of advance preparation and knowing Jesse, he's probably been practising for weeks.

That can only mean that he knew the entire time she was with him and never bothered to tell her. Or didn't want to tell her. She's not sure what hurts more. She hates herself for thinking that people change, every single relationship in her life is proof that they don't. They just get better at acting.

She's feels a horrible prickling in her eyes and it's déjà vu all over again. No matter how hard Quinn tries to keep up appearances, Rachel always manages to see her at her absolute worst. Crying in glee as Finn found out the truth about Beth. Crying in bathroom during prom. The only thing worse was that Rachel then proceeded to dry off her tears, after being on the receiving end of a resounding slap. She won't give Rachel that pleasure this time around. She will not cry here.

But maybe Rachel does deserve her bitchiness after all.

She swallows away the sudden dryness in her mouth and when she's sure there will be no tears, she looks up at Rachel. "Looks like you win again."

"What?"

"Jesse will be out of your hair now. Guess that means you and Finn will be able to live happily ever after. Congrats," she says putting on a smile that doesn't even come close to reaching her eyes.

Rachel visibly rolls her eyes and stares Quinn down. "Don't you ever get tired of doing this?"

Quinn takes a breath. Not again. Not here. "Doing what?"

"Pretending you don't need anybody," she says, moving closer. "Despite what you may think, I didn't tell you about Jesse to torture or torment you." Quinn scowls at her even more. "I don't know what's going on between you two but if he makes you happy then –"

"I know you like to hear yourself talk Rachel but you really should learn not to interfere in other people's lives." It's getting just that little bit harder to keep calm so Quinn starts to walk away. Of course Rachel can't take a hint and follows her.

"I'm trying to help –"

"Save it for someone else."

"Fine. Jesse thinks the New Direction won't win this time either. If he's hurt you the way he hurt me, at least come back to glee so that we can prove him wrong."

"God Rachel, let it go," she snaps, unable to control herself any more. The shorter girl visibly winces and Quinn turns on her well-practised-and-slightly-out-of-use ice queen glare. "Get this through your head – I'm not coming back to glee. This is the last year we'll see each other and then you'll go off to bright lights and Broadway so just… let it go."

Rachel actually looks scared now because of how close they're standing and it pleases her a lot more than it should. She looks smaller too, which is exactly how Quinn likes her. "I'm sorry Quinn." Quinn isn't about to let this conversation continue so she starts to leave again. Why is the math classroom so far away? "I know we don't really see eye to eye and that we're never been the best of friends but I am sorry. Seeing you sad makes me sad," Rachel continues. Quinn rolls her eyes at Rachel's attempt to empathise. Quinn has always been awful to her but she always comes back with a smile, wanting to be friends.

Bitch.

"I'm sorry about you and Jesse and I'm really sorry for what happened with you and Finn."

Quinn can't believe it. She really can't. In fact she's so taken aback that she actually stops walking. Not only is Rachel pitying her, she now has the gall to bring up that up? Nevertheless, Quinn keeps her cool and turns around to face Rachel again. "Is that why you chased Finn the entire time I was his girlfriend and then waited all of one week to take him back?" she asks simply.

"I – I wasn't chasing – I didn't – I didn't mean for it to happen."

"Yes you did," she barks out before reverting to a more contained and in control voice. "But this has nothing to do with Finn does it? Tell me Rachel, how do you do it?"

"Do what?"

"When you were with Puck you were in love with Finn, when you were with Jesse you were in love with Finn, and when you're actually with Finn you make out with Puck and secretly meet up with Jesse. You just have to have it all don't you?"

"I didn't secretly meet Jesse."

"Does Finn know about it?" Quinn fires back.

Rachel looks embarrassed and Quinn's sure that she hasn't told him; clearly she's thinking the same thing Quinn is – after what happened with Puck, Finn would never forgive her for reaching out to Jesse. Quinn knows she's been called a whore but there are times where she seriously considers why no one, apart from Santana, applies the same term to Rachel.

"Please don't tell him," says Rachel softly, staring at the ground. If Rachel hadn't dropped that bomb about Jesse leaving, Quinn would have laughed in her face. She has the audacity to ask Quinn to keep her secret but she doesn't have the decency to look her in the eye as she does it. "Please."

"Stop it, you're making me sick," says Quinn in disgust. She may not have forgotten about Rachel telling Finn the truth about her baby but she has no intention of telling Finn about this. If she still wanted Finn then yes, things may have been different but she doesn't. In fact she hardly even speaks to him anymore. He's tried to ask her about Jesse and tried to tell her to join glee again but she always cuts him off and dismisses him in fewer than five words. Besides, karma's a bitch and it'll be much more entertaining to watch Finn and Rachel self-destruct.

"Quinn…" Rachel's voice trails off and her eyes are starting to shine as well, which only makes this even grosser. She's playing the victim card again and trying to make Quinn out as some kind of evil bitch. Really, Quinn's the one who should be crying. Rachel ruins everything. Finn, Puck and pregnancy aside, if it wasn't for Rachel, Quinn would never have met Jesse St. James. If it wasn't for Rachel, prom wouldn't have been ruined and she would have gone to an after party instead of getting a ride with Jesse. If it wasn't for Rachel, Quinn wouldn't know what Jesse tasted like, how his lips felt against hers and thinking about his hands on her bare skin wouldn't make her heat up. She'd have no reason to miss him and she sure as hell wouldn't care about him moving to New York.

"You think you have it so bad," spits out Quinn. "At the end of the year you get to leave this stupid town and never look back. But that's not good enough for gold star Rachel Berry is it? You still have to get everything."

"Are you even talking about Finn anymore?" she asks and even if she is being sincere, Quinn can't take it that she is so fucking oblivious.

"You've got Finn, you've got Puck, you've got Jesse. God, you could probably even get Sam. So pick a guy, Rachel, any guy!" She's borderline yelling and she needs to end this before someone overhears them.

Rachel's got her eyes wide open and her mouth agape; a long moment passes before she actually manages to say anything. "I…I've never…with Sam. He said I wasn't his type." The brunette looks up at her earnestly, as if that's supposed to make Quinn feel better.

"Well thank god for that because it's not like you haven't tried." Quinn continues to glare and she hardly cares that the tears are now streaming down Rachel's face. She turns around and this time Rachel doesn't follow.

He's leaving her.

But if he thinks she's just going to roll over and take it the way Rachel did, he's got another thing coming.

...

Author's Note: So I'm back after such a long absence. I'm really sorry that it took so long to update this but I got bogged down with things towards the end of the year. Also it's been hard finding the motivation to write because I'm so frustrated with the storylines Quinn has this season. I had such high hopes after the first few episodes because it was like she was finally getting some continuity and good character development. But now it's getting really hard to defend the things she does (or tries to do) which sucks because she's one of my favourite characters on the show. Really, the way all the girls are portrayed is just a whole world of WTF. I will be updating a lot more frequently now and I encourage others to write more St. Fabray as well :)