Can we fly? Do I stay?
We could lose. We could fail.
Either way, options change.
Chances fade. Trains derail ;;
It had been two weeks since Jasper last saw his family, since he'd last seen Bella. He was unaware of the time, as the days all ran together for him. He wouldn't have been paying attention anyway. For about the first three days or so, he remained perched in a tree. There was no meaning, no purpose in his life. He simply had nothing better to do with his time but sit and stare at the tree across from him. Occasionally he would watch a bird gliding through the air, but with very little interest. He should have been devastated, barely functioning after the loss of his relationship with Bella. He should've been lonely for his family. He should've been nursing a broken heart. But instead, he just sat there with blank look, still as a statue. He felt no pain, no loneliness. He was just empty, completely numb. No emotions whatsoever. Only when the fire in his throat became unbearable and his eyes were black as coal did he leave the tree. It did not take him long to find a large buck for his meal, which he took down easily and drained it of its blood. Instead of going back to his tree, Jasper started to walk again once his thirst was taken care of. He walked for another day before coming to a decision.
While Jasper could no longer feel anything emotionally, he did desire a sense of purpose. There was an army of newborns being created, and that needed to be put to a stop. He didn't have definitive proof that that Victoria was the one assembling the army, but he was going to hunt her down anyway. He knew that she did have a grudge against Bella and intended to kill her, so he thought he'd track the fiery haired woman down instead. Even though Bella did not want him anymore, he'd still protect her from afar. That was the only role he really had left. Besides, by taking out the leader of the army, the newborns would no longer have someone to be influenced by. They would be much easier to kill off. With that plan in mind, he started doing what he could to track Victoria. It wasn't easy; he did not have anything with her scent on it, so he was flying blindly. What he did know was that a human had been killed in Forks and he knew that location. What he intended to do was go to that area and try to pick up the scent of whomever had been there, if there were any traces of vampire left. With the frequent rain showers it would be difficult, but it was at least a place to start.
When he arrived to the location in which Carlisle had told him the body had been found, Jasper found little help to guide him. He managed to find a faint vampire scent that seemed to trail off to the north of where the body had been. He decided to follow it, because he didn't feel he had anything to lose in doing so. The scent was difficult to track, but he managed to keep up with it for several hours. He'd gone several miles and would have continued to walk, but something made him stop. On a passing breeze, a very, very familiar scent caused him to freeze.
Was he imagining things?
Casablanca Lilies.
He'd once been obsessed with that scent. He'd lived and breathed it everyday, worshipping it and sacrificing everything for it. Under other circumstances, he would have been afraid, upset, even angry to breathe in that scent. But he felt nothing. Jasper felt nothing at all. He wasn't even curious about it. He just knew. He knew who that scent belonged to and he didn't care. He just kept following the initial trail. The floral scent he'd picked up before invaded his sense of smell again, much stronger this time. A twig snapped behind him.
"Mi querida," a voice purred from not very far away.
It was a voice that Jasper had been infatuated with over one hundred and sixty years ago. A voice that sounded like wind chimes, that had belonged to a goddess he'd faithfully worshiped for over twenty years. The scent of lilies filled the air around him. Jasper did not move. He did not try to run, he did not turn on her in anger.
The small, dark haired vampire stepped out of her place behind the tree she'd been leaning against. Of course, she'd picked up his scent while she was tracking the same vampire. She'd traveled all the way from Mexico upon hearing that there was a rogue vampire trying to wage war in the North. This was something she'd considered doing for several years, as it was unclaimed territory, perfect for taking over for feeding grounds. She'd hoped to find this rumored woman, align herself with her, then kill her once they'd achieved their goal and take over the army for herself.
She hadn't counted on finding her former mate. The man who walked out on her and bruised her ego. It surprised her when he did not respond to her, positively or negatively. It also surprised her how angry she was being in his presence. It had hurt her pride when Jasper walked away from her and their cause, but she'd never loved him so she hadn't allowed herself to care when he left. Yet there he was, and she was drawn to him right away. He needed to suffer for what he'd done. She closed the distance between them and stood facing his back.
"Jasper.." she whispered, her voice like wind chimes singing on the passing breeze. Her hands slid up his back, but he made no motion to suggest he even realized she was touching him. Maria ran her hands up and down his back, trying to get him to turn to look at her.
Jasper should have recoiled with disgust. He should have turned on her and hissed defensively. He never should have allowed Maria to touch him. But he did not care. What difference did it make anymore? He felt no anger as she ran her hands over his back and lightly clutched at his shirt. There was nothing but numbness.
Still, Jasper made no move to face her. He just stood there. It was Maria who turned him around to face her. He was brought face to face with the woman who changed him, who brought him into this life of hell, made him perform cruel and violent acts, who he'd sacrificed his body for in order to win her love only to never receive it. He was looking at her and yet he felt no shame, anger, pain. He was just staring blankly at her.
Maria, though she was angry with him, tried to play it off because she understood Jasper's power. None of it seemed to matter, though, because he looked completely devoid of emotion all together. "I've missed you so," she lied, playing with the buttons of his bloodstained shirt.
"You're lying," he said flatly, uncaring. "I don't care, but there's no need to lie."
Maria tilted her head, watching him curiously. There was something very different about Jasper. Her Jasper was always passionate. This Jasper was dead in the eyes. Something had happened to him, she could tell. She wanted to know what it was. She'd spent years trying to break his spirit, to drive out his strong will in order to make him into a mindless drone who did everything she asked, but she never succeeded. She wanted to know what could have caused it. But she did not ask any questions right now. He'd just shut himself down if she pressed him. She needed to gain his trust first. She needed to make him hers again. Then she'd figure out what it was that drained the passion from his eyes.
"Mi querida," she murmured, tracing the top button of his shirt with her index finger. "You're right. But seeing you here, being close to you again.. I realize that I truly have missed you."
Jasper shrugged. "Fine. Excuse me," he said, and started to walk in the direction he'd been heading in in the first place, leaving Maria dumbfounded.
She'd never known him to reject her. It was an odd feeling, something that she couldn't quite describe. But something within her was compelled to understand. She followed him.
For two days, she followed him in silence, and Jasper never once even looked at her. But after those two days, she could not take the silence anymore. "Jasper," she said firmly. "Look at me. Look at me."
Jasper obeyed, turning around to face her. He still felt nothing. This was not the way he thought he'd react if he'd ever reunite with Maria. He thought he'd be a nervous wreck, and yet here she was, following him demanding his attention. The roles seemed reversed and it was very strange. But Jasper was not about to let down his guard. He knew Maria better than anyone and he knew that the second she felt she had any power, she'd exploit it.
Yet at the same time, what did he care? What did it matter if Maria took possession of his soul again? It wouldn't make a difference to anyone, and certainly not to him. He met her eyes, which were a dark shade of red.
"What are you doing here?" He finally asked. It didn't matter, but he figured the knowledge couldn't hurt.
Maria smirked. "I heard someone was forming an army-"
"And you wanted it for your own purposes," Jasper finished. He knew her too well, and he knew that his suspicions were confirmed by the grin on her face. "We're searching for the same woman."
"Then we'll be going in the same direction for a while," she said, running her hand along his forearm.
"I suppose we will."
And they did. For several more days, they traveled together. Jasper did not show any signs of changing, he was just as lifeless as before. He was somewhat concerned about the trail, however. It seemed to have led them back to Forks. A dead end? Jasper just glared at the ground. He'd have to refocus his efforts and find another way to trail Victoria. Maria didn't seem to mind that they'd made no progress. Jasper hadn't pushed her away, or tried to stop her whenever she touched him. She'd been holding onto his arm before they came to a stop. She'd forgotten what it was like, what a rush it was when she'd go to address the army they'd built, standing beside such a powerful creature, controlling him all the while. It wasn't the same, as she could not feel his adoration of her, but she remembered it, and she held onto that memory now just as tightly as she was holding onto his arm.
"You need to clear your head," she said. "Then we'll come up with a way to find this woman." She moved around to face him, and started playing with the hem of his shirt. "I know how to take care of that. I still remember." A grin flashed across her lips as she slipped her hands beneath Jasper's shirt to trace over his defined stomach muscles.
"Mi amor."
The night she'd made up her mind, Bella dreamt of Jasper. It wasn't such an unlikely event, but this dream was a new one. This took place somewhere that seemed familiar to her, but somewhere that Bella was sure she'd never been before. It was a town. A Southern town. Instead of being black and white like most of her dreams seemed to be more often than not, this one was all sepia-toned. There wasn't much of a beginning to the dream. It felt, instead, like it picked up somewhere in the middle of a story. Bella knew she was the one experiencing what was happening and that it was from her perspective that she was seeing everything in the dream, but she couldn't actually see herself.
In the dream, she was looking out a window. She could see other houses on the street, all in the same brownish-red coloring. But everything was blurry on account of the fact that it was raining. Pouring. She couldn't see the true color of the sky, but she imagined it was dark and angry with the rain the rain was pouring down. With the rain brought drops of negativity, showers of despair and lost hope. Even though it was only a dream, she felt consumed with it. Suffocating. It was hard to hear anything above the roar of the rain against the roof, but there was the sound of something else. Footsteps. Hooves, more specifically. They grew closer and closer and though she swore they were going to pass by the house in which she was holed up, they stopped what seemed like right outside of it. She couldn't see anything from her window though. Only rain, only the tops of other houses. Curiosity had the better of her. She saw the door as she moved out of her bedroom, the stairs as she made her way down them, the front porch as she pushed open yet another door. The sound of the rain was louder when she stood on the doorstep, but her vision was clearer.
And then there he was.
It was like the way she felt when she had the dream about the meadow and she was lost until she found him in the field, right in the middle of the daffodils. But he wasn't in a field of daffodils. He was standing in the rain in front of his horse, soaked through in his uniform. But he was smiling. It was a smile she'd never seen him give before. It was one that she could feel rather than just see. It was like he knew a secret, but was having trouble keeping it. Like he'd known this was how things would be all along. Suddenly, the rain didn't feel heavy with negative energy. Instead, the atmosphere completely changed. He was getting closer. She figured out that in the dream, she was running toward him from the porch, gracefully, effortlessly.
She woke up, so cruelly, a second later. Bella noted that she was sweating and her heart was racing. Such would usually be the reaction to a nightmare, but this dream was so far from that. It was the opposite. The brunette would have done anything to fall back asleep and pick up where that dream left off, but the rest of the night went without dreams of any kind and when she woke up, it was just a memory. A vivid one, yes. But a memory all the same.
It wasn't easy. Even though her mind was made up and her heart was set on the fact that one way or another, she would confront Jasper, it wasn't something that would happen easily. It was a delicate situation, especially since the last time she'd seen him, it was a heartbreaking experience. For both of them, she imagined. There was still an extremely likely chance that it wouldn't end well at all, especially if she was putting her heart on the line – whatever was left of it – in order to ensure he knew how she felt about him. But she continually told herself that it was something that had to happen, regardless of the outcome. If she didn't talk to him, if she didn't find out for herself, then she would truly never know.
One of the reasons that the closure was so important to Bella was because she refused to let the same thing happen with Jasper that had happened with Edward in a sense. Of course, unless tragedy struck in the same exact pattern twice, which even Bella had doubts of, the situation was much different. Jasper wasn't in danger of the Volturi and Bella wasn't about to leap off anymore cliffs. But she hated the idea that she didn't have closure with him. She couldn't stand that. It – though the entire thing had been immensely difficult – had been the hardest part of losing Edward in the manner she did. She was left never knowing the truth – if there was truth – in the words he'd spoken to her before fleeing Forks the year before. She wouldn't let the last thing she saw of Jasper to be the image of him clutching that wedding dress on the floor, so overcome with grief, guilt, and anguish that he didn't even notice her. While there was a chance that he would still feel those things when she contacted him, Bella would make sure that this time, he would at least see her. Not only just see her there, but to listen to what she had to say. He needed to know, no matter how he felt in return, that her feelings for him would never waver. She loved him just as much as she always had and no matter what, she would always feel the same. It wasn't meant to put any pressure on him to change his mind, and she would be sure to let him know that from the get-go, but as long as she said what she needed to, it would be enough for her.
That wasn't to say it would hurt any less if he rejected her. And that was the very reason why one day passed. Then two. Then three. On the morning of the fourth day since she'd talked to Jacob, Bella still hadn't found the courage to go to the Cullen's home to see Jasper. But she would never get that courage. Not because it wasn't going to come, but because she wouldn't get the chance to let it. There was knock on the door that Bella answered, still with a small, fleeting hope that it would be Jasper on the other side. It wasn't. Rather, it was his mother.
"Esme?" she asked, surprised to see the matriarchal woman on her doorstep. The matriarchal woman on her doorstep with a look of utter concern.
"Bella," she said, pulling her into a hug. Despite the worrying reason for her visit, Esme was still happy to see Bella and couldn't resist embracing the girl. Bella gently placed a hand on Esme's back, but could feel her own concern growing.
"What's wrong?" she asked, pulling back to look at her.
"It's Jasper," Esme started. But before Bella could panic and ask any questions, she continued. "We haven't heard from him in a couple of days. He said… he was coming to see you last. He left the house with the intention that he had to find you," she explained. "But no one has seen or heard from him since then. Do… you know anything dear? I'm – we're all – just worried about him. It isn't hard to believe that he needed some time away. Jasper does that every once in awhile and we don't question it. But… something doesn't feel quite right this time," she said. Though she was trying to remain strong for Bella, it was more than evident that the woman was plagued with worries about her son.
"He… No," Bella said, shaking her head. "He never came here. I haven't seen him since… since the last time I came over," she said, drifting off slightly. She was having worse of a time not looking concerned than Esme was having. Instantly, she had the same bad feeling that the Cullen mother just spoke of. "Have you tried calling him?" she asked.
"Countless times. It's gone right to the voicemail each time."
It wasn't like Jasper. Something was definitely wrong. He wouldn't ignore calls from his family. Not from his mother and father, even if he'd been feeling guilt-stricken and grief-filled as he had when Bella witnessed him breaking down in his bedroom. She and Esme exchanged conversation for a few minutes longer and as soon as the other woman left, Bella grabbed her keys. She didn't know where to start looking, but she knew she had to begin now. She couldn't wait. She had to find him.
Jasper couldn't bring himself to care enough to stop her. He didn't particularly want Maria touching him, but was it really worth dealing with one of her tantrums for him to pull away from her? All the while he contemplated this, she'd started to pull him by the shirt, back towards a tree, then she spun him around and pushed his back against it. Jasper looked down at her, but felt nothing. He knew Maria, and he knew she didn't waste time. The fact that she'd followed him for days without trying to work in her own agenda was very unlike her. It would've made him suspicious under any other circumstances. As it was, he just stood there while she tried to seduce him.
Maria slid her hands out from under his shirt and made quick work of her buttons. There was little else she could do with him standing, however. He had a good foot of height on her she pulled him forward, then pushed him down on the ground and climbed on top of him, perching on his hips. She pulled her own shirt off and tossed it aside, then pushed his over his shoulders. Maria eyed his scars. They repulsed her, and she had no intention of touching them. Instead, she slid her hands over his cheeks and leaned in, crushing her lips against his. She kissed him hard, pressing her body into his. It was familiar, though it took some reacquainting with him to recall just how she liked to position herself against him. When she pulled back, she continued holding his face in her hands.
"You're not touching me," she said in a low voice. "Put your hands on me. I want to feel you touching me."
Her kisses meant nothing to him. He barely even felt her hands on him. It was a bit odd, however, when she removed his shirt and said nothing about his scars. Usually she'd tell him how hideous he was, how he was lucky she would even look at him. There had been a time, early on in their stint as mates, when they couldn't keep their hands off each other. Before his body became marred with the scars of his efforts to keep her affection, Maria was insatiable with her desire and Jasper was so infatuated and adoring of her that he couldn't get enough of her either. There was a once a time when he would have been filled with joy that she was voicing her want for him to touch her. But this? Her demands carried no weight with them. He hadn't responded to her kiss, nor was he complying to her demands for him to touch her. Only when she grabbed his hand and put it on her hip did he go through with it.
Maria was frustrated. For Jasper not to respond to her, or anyone for that matter, it was very irritating. She was so used to always getting her way, especially from Jasper, and the fact that he had seemed as though he couldn't care less about her since seeing her was perplexing. This was all about pride now, though. She didn't give a damn about Jasper, and she knew he knew that. But she did want him. She wanted to possess him, keep him as she'd intended to do before. He'd gotten away, but now she had him back.
"Jasper," she murmured, kissing down the side of his neck. "Don't you desire me? Don't you want me? Mi querida... I want you," she cooed, and kissed him deeply again.
One of her hands made quick work of the fastening on his pants. She couldn't yank them off just yet because of their positioning. "Come on," she whispered, running her tongue over his lips. "Like old times. Come on, Jasper. Remember?"
She pushed him, then sprang back. She was toying with him. It was the primal way vampire mates would engage in intimate acts. She beckoned him to her, tossing her long black hair behind her shoulder.
Jasper knew what she was doing. He also knew it was working. It wasn't because he wanted her, or cared at all. It was because his body was physically responding to what was happening to him. It'd been a very long time since he'd been able to engage in this sort of behavior, and he could help but crave it once it was shown to him. When she beckoned him, taunting him with her body, Jasper stared at her with dark eyes. He didn't give a damn about her, but he wanted her. He sprang up into a crouched position, keeping his eyes on her. Then he crawled to her and lunged, pinning her down on the ground. They wrestled around with each other, each one pinning the other and subsequently breaking free to restart the process. They were growling, purring, and kissing on each other. It was instinct; it was how mates often acted. They ended up on the ground, with her on top of him again.
"Jasper..." she licked his bottom lip again and crushed her hips against his, riding him. "I want you now.." One of her tiny hands disappeared inside his pants, which soon drew a sharp breath from Jasper. He let his head fall back against the ground as she started kissing his neck. Maria would stop at nothing to make him hers again.
For a town that was so small that most people had never even heard of it, Forks suddenly felt endless. Bella didn't know where to even begin. For a good ten minutes after Esme was gone, she simply sat in her truck, keys in the ignition, just staring ahead at the street on which she and Charlie lived. Where would Jasper have gone? Easily, he could have been halfway across the world in the time since his mother had said he'd gone. It wouldn't have been outlandish, especially if he had been grieving as much as he was the last time she'd seen him. The thing that struck her as the most peculiar was the fact that Esme had said he was going to find her. Was that just an excuse he made to leave? Why would he say he was going to see her and then disappear altogether? Why not just leave?
She had so many questions and no answers. The only way she would obtain any was to start looking. Starting up the truck, she started the drive. She took the main roads through the town, looking for… Well, she wasn't sure what exactly she was looking for. Just something that would stand out and give her a clue as to where to find Jasper. For hours, she drove the same streets until day turned into night and it was far too dark for her to make out anything of substance aside from what was directly in front of her headlights. The fog was too thick. The day hadn't turned up anything but frustration that she was still left in the dark, and now, housed a chest full of worries. Sleep, though somehow it came that night, did not come easily.
The next day, Bella awoke with determination. But it was deceptive. Right beneath the surface lay all the doubt that she was trying to swallow, but failing to do so. What if this day turned out to be like the one before? Nothing. No clues. No indication that Jasper was anywhere to be found. Or at least, found by a human girl in a beat up pickup truck. But things were slightly altered this day. In the truck once more, Bella went beyond the town. She drove until there was no more sunlight left. She went today to Port Angeles. Maybe he went there for whatever reason – she didn't know. But it was somewhere else to look. She spent two hours in the library, walking up and down the shelves in hopes that one time, he would be hidden between one of them. He never was. She drove and drove, stopping every so often when she thought there was a possibility she would find him there. She even stopped where they'd taken Annabelle to the mechanic and asked if he'd stopped by. Of course, he hadn't. It seemed like another day had been wasted with nothing but disappointment to bring back home with her. She'd been delaying it as much as possible, taking longer routes to the tiny house where she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep. If it wasn't for that detour, she never would have noted the side street. Though Bella had driven past it about a half a dozen times in the past two days, she hadn't traveled down it.
When she did, it changed everything. There, on the side of the road, was Annabelle. She knew that car anywhere. There was no other one like it. She stopped her truck in the middle of the road and jumped out, going to the car. It was locked. Her fingers trailed over the hood before she peered through the windows. Nothing. No Jasper. No clue as to where he went. But she did realize something. Without Annabelle, he couldn't have gotten far. He could have easily taken another means of transportation, but hope was restored in Bella. Just seeing something familiar, some special part of him – his car – it gave her hope.
Bella would find him. She was closer. She was closer to being able to tell him how much she loved him, to reconnect with him. It would all be all right. Just like in her dream, she imagined that when she did, he would be just as happy to see her, that upon doing so, all of his sadness would be washed away. He'd have that same, secretive smile on his face that was vividly emblazoned in her mind ever since that dream. Her Jasper. Her soldier.
Those thoughts kept pushing her through the next handful of days. They turned up nothing, but she couldn't be dissuaded. Each night before she went back home, she would stop to see Annabelle. She felt close to him. He was around. She knew it. She refused to think anything was wrong, that he'd encountered a newborn or something that would end fatally. Those thoughts were too negative. They didn't exist for her. Some many nights after the first time she'd had it, Bella had the sepia-toned dream again. When she awoke, there was a different feeling about the day. She was determined. She would find him. She would find him.
She decided to try something different that day. Esme and Carlisle would have outright refused if they'd known what she was about to do, but it wasn't a thought that crossed Bella's mind. It was dangerous to go into the woods by herself considering how close the killings had been recently. But if she was to meet an end, then it was going to be while she was trying to get to Jasper. He was the only thing that mattered to her. He was the only thing that she cared about. And so, she traveled by foot. She'd driven her truck to the small area on the side of the road where she parked it when she would go to the meadow. She hadn't been there since the night Jasper found her, but she remembered it well. From there, she disappeared into the woods. She walked for hours, but Bella didn't care about time.
Just Jasper. Her Jasper.
That day, she would find her Jasper. She would accomplish what she set out to do. She would be able to end her search, to put her fears to rest that something horrible had happened to him, that he was in pain or suffering. That he was alone. Because Jasper wasn't alone. He wasn't in pain. He wasn't suffering.
And he wasn't Bella's.
His name. She'd heard his name. It was spoken by a voice she didn't recognize, one that she'd never heard before. And yet somehow, she had a feeling that she knew the tone. There was an accent to it, a few words spoken in a different language. Bella knew exactly who it was before she could even see anything. Immediately, she felt herself springing into action. She hurried a few steps forward, opened her mouth to call out his name to save him… and came to an abrupt halt.
The sight that unfolded before her was indescribable.
The petite, raven-haired girl that haunted Jasper's past was on top of him. She was assaulting him, putting her hands all over him. Her mouth was on his lips, his neck. She was baiting him, putting him in a position that he didn't want to be in. Bella immediately felt protective of him. She had to save him. She couldn't let her shock at the situation, at the mere sight of this unthinkable thing unfolding in front of her, stop her from protecting him.
But she couldn't even take a breath. She couldn't even blink. By the time she could have done either, the boy she'd been so desperate to protect showed her that he didn't need any protection. He moved as if he was going to fight her off. But there hadn't even been time for Bella to feel relief that he was going to defend himself.
That wasn't what Jasper's intention had been. That hadn't been his course of action at all.
Bella stopped breathing. Her heart didn't beat at all because it no longer existed. The feeling that went through her was nothing short of a blade, cutting through her veins with a flaming tip. She felt sick and stunned all in the same instance.
Jasper wanted it. He wanted Maria. He didn't want to push her away; he wanted her closer. The hope that Bella had been clinging to, the hope that she was so sure would bring them back together did nothing short of betray her. It was like she could feel everything he did. Bella could feel his lips on Maria's. She could feel his hands on the tiny, devastatingly beautiful vampire. She was sure they felt different, though, than they did for Maria. To Bella, they were cuts. Burns. Stabs.
The worst part was, was that she couldn't move. She was so paralyzed by the pain of what she was seeing that she couldn't turn away. She couldn't make a sound. She couldn't breathe. Instead, her chest just burned. It literally burned to see this. There was a fire where her heart was. Rather, where her heart used to be.
If a heart didn't exist any longer, then why could it still hurt so badly? Why could she still feel it shatter over and over and over again if there were no pieces of it left. The ashes were gone. No more dust lingered. Anything that hope had pieced back together was trampled, singed by this fire. Just the fire. That was all that remained.
Bella wondered how long it would take her to die. It wouldn't be however long it took for Victoria to find her, or the Volturi. It would be right here, right now, with this vision as the last thing she saw.
She wished it would hurry up.
The numbness did not give way. His body was responding to what Maria was doing to him, and he could feel that, but he did not feel anything emotionally. He didn't even feel lustful towards her. He'd hoped that by engaging in this behavior, he'd be able to feel something. That, and he just didn't care about himself anymore. Whatever Maria wanted to do, she could do to him. Bella had turned to Jacob; she didn't need him anymore, and he couldn't blame her for that. He'd failed her, and she deserved better. He'd always felt she deserved better. He did not believe Jacob was better, but if he was who she wanted, then who was he to tell her otherwise?
He was the one who was most in love with her; that's who Jasper was. He was the one who loved her more than he believed anyone else ever could. This wasn't what he'd set out to do. He'd somewhere along the way lost his focus amongst the numbness. Even if Bella didn't love him or want him anymore, he still wanted to protect her. He would still protect her.
"Maria." He took her wrist to pull her hand away from him. Maria narrowed her dark red eyes at Jasper and turned her head. "I don't want this," he said, pushing her back from him.
"This was what you always wanted!" She snapped, hissing at him. "How many times would you come to me begging for my attention?"
"Maria, I always did everything you ever asked of me, and it was never enough. But I've had enough." Jasper stood up, fastening his pants.
He did not realize Bella was there, for he could not feel her, and any heartbeat he heard he passed off for an animal nearby or some hiker. Any inkling he did have of her presence was cast off as wishful thinking - or dread, considering the situation he was in. But why would Bella be here? Surely she was curled up with Jacob on her couch.
"I would suggest you go back to the South, Maria. You have no business here."
Maria, who was crouched on the ground, watched Jasper. He had the nerve to tell her that he'd had enough of her? Then he went on to tell her to leave? She pulled her shirt back on over her head, but kept her eyes on him.
"Jasper," she hissed. "Who do you think you are to tell me what to do? I decide when you've had enough, and I decide what I do and where I go. You, are nothing to me." She rose to her feet and glared up at him. "How dare you speak to me that way? As if your words have, or ever would make a difference to me. As if you could do anything. I made you into what you are."
Jasper just turned his back on her and started to go fetch his shirt. This was nothing he hadn't heard before. Maria had made a hobby out of berating him in the past. Her words went in one ear and out the other. He wouldn't have felt anything from them anyway. Closing himself off from his emotions had made it impossible for her words to cause him pain. That didn't go the same for her teeth, however. Turning his back on Maria had been a mistake he should've known better than to make. But he'd done it, and she struck. It all happened at lightening speed. Maria shoved him, but grabbed his wrist in the process and jerked him back to her. Her teeth sunk deeply into his skin. Not even a century of separation would cause her to miss her mark. Her sharp teeth pierced through the scarred flesh, reopening every old wound she'd caused and infecting it with her venom. Jasper howled in pain. He didn't know if Maria was particularly venomous or what, but the pain was excruciating. He couldn't even fight her off as he had Bartholemew when he'd bitten his shoulder. His fingers curled, his whole arm tensing as she held on with her teeth. Jasper fell to one knee, gasping and yelping as the venom spread.
Only when she was ready, did she release him. "Still weak," she spat, dropping his hand. "Still a hideous, worthless creature. And you're right. I have no use for you. I should have killed you when I saw the first sign of weakness, when you first showed signs of loving me."
Jasper barely heard her, he was clutching his wrist against his chest, trying to regain his senses and the use of his hand.
Isabella Swan's mind was both a gift and a curse. It was so complex, so capable of painting pictures so vividly that she could actually believe them to be real. If there was something that she wished she could erase in reality, all she had to do was picture something else, something that she wished would take its place. Sometimes, if she was lucky, sometimes it would be a success.
That was what happened now. Bella, though she could do absolutely nothing else but stare in burning silence at what was taking place in front of her, could at least change it in her own strange pattern of thinking. If she just wished it hard enough, Jasper would push Maria away. If she just wanted it to happen badly enough, then he would put a stop to this and tell the raven-haired vixen that he didn't want her. He would stand up and walk away if she thought about it enough, if she just concentrated everything on to that simple want and need to erase what she'd seen.
It was working. This was happening. Maybe the fire was what made her concentration stronger. If she used to burn to focus all of her energy into manipulating her own thoughts, then changing them would be nothing short of a victory. Whatever was the explanation, Bella was clinging to it.
He was leaving. He was walking away. But what happened next was not something that Bella could think up on her own. She wouldn't wish this. She would never allow her thoughts to take this course of action. If it was anything that would have caused Jasper pain – as much as he'd caused her unknowingly through his witnessed actions – then Bella would have been incapable of thinking it. When Maria pulled him back, Bella knew what was going to happen. She knew before she saw her teeth sinking into his skin. She remembered that scar. She remembered when Jasper told her how he'd received it, why it was deeper and more pronounced than the rest.
Suddenly the fire turned to ice. The burning in her chest changed, altered itself into something new. Bella couldn't describe it if she tried, but it was the closet to anger. Anger fueled by heartbreak was the very worst kind. For someone who hadn't been able to even breathe, much less find her voice a few moments before, she was certainly capable of coming out of her camouflage now.
"Stop it!" she called, pushing her way through some of the foliage that concealed her presence before. If Bella's eyes could have been black, if they could have turned in the way a vampire's could, they would be coal-like.
"Get away from him," she hissed, narrowing her eyes at the petite predator. It didn't matter that Bella wouldn't have stood a chance against her. The way her anger was raging through her veins, she would have bet money on herself.
Jasper had not felt this sort of physical pain in more than a century, but he'd never forgotten it. Every time he looked down at his wrist, he remembered. He remembered her teeth, her remember how sharp they were, he remember the fiery burn of her venom; it was so hot that it was cold. If he didn't have his immortality, he was sure it would have paralyzed his whole arm. There was so much pain, it was nearly blinding. He deserved it, though. He always felt he deserved his punishment from Maria, because he'd always done something wrong in order to have earned it. This time, it was for what he'd done to Bella, for failing her, for not being enough that she had to turn to someone else, for losing sight of what he had to do in order to protect her, for letting Maria get close to him. He deserved the scar this pain. Even when she let go, the agony did not fade.
Was the venom playing tricks on him? Bella's scent filled the air. Bella's voice reached his ears. He thought he was having a hallucination of sorts, but when he turned his head, he saw her there. Bella. His Bella. What was she doing here? Why was she in the woods by herself? Why was she confronting Maria?
Maria turned to see who would dare interrupt her. A human? "Jasper who is this girl?"
Jasper did not hesitate. "Leave her alone, Maria. We have a treaty with the wolf pack. If it's broken they'll wage war. That would ruin your plans."
"You will not tell me what to do!" She snapped. "I'm thirsty. I'll have her and no one will know the difference."
Jasper forced himself to his feet and lunged between Bella and his former mate. He was considerably weakened, but he would protect her with his life, whatever it took to keep her safe. He owed her that, he owed her everything and it still wouldn't be enough to make up for his failures.
"Do you really want werewolves getting in your way?"
"I'll do what I want!" Maria lunged at him and Jasper fought back. They collided, the sound similar to that of two boulders slamming against each other. They tangled together, and though he was weakened, Jasper managed to keep her at bay. Frustrated, she pulled back.
"I won't forget this," she hissed, then glared at Bella. "You're lucky he is here, ramera." She stared Jasper down for another few seconds, and then she was gone.
Jasper did not move for half a minute. He did not flinch until the scent of Casablanca lilies was gone. Only then did he drop to his knees and clutch his wrist again. He did not know how much Bella had seen, but any of it wasn't good. He couldn't bring himself to speak, however. He was in so much physical pain that he nearly choked trying to keep his whimpers and yelps down. He couldn't bring himself to speak to her anyway. He didn't deserve to speak to her. He'd failed her too many times, he'd done unthinkable things. She was better off with the dog after all, really. Jasper didn't know why he thought he stood a chance, why he thought he could be good enough for her. Not him; the monster.
In all honesty, Bella wished that Jasper wouldn't have stepped in to stop her. Maria could come at her. She wouldn't be able to do much of anything, but she sure as hell would have tried. As long as she would have been able to put an effort into it, as long at she could at least feel like she was paying her back for hurting Jasper, it would be enough to die with.
And she felt like that. She did want to die after what she'd seen. One bite and it could have cured the hurt she felt. Hurt, that Bella didn't think would ever go away. But she couldn't blame him. It wasn't Jasper's fault. It was his choice, his own decision. He'd chosen Maria. He'd chosen Alice. He didn't choose Bella. It was a classic case of unrequited love. But Bella didn't want to just attribute it to that. It made it seem like it was just another bad ending in a story she'd read once upon a time or a movie she'd seen. She always felt bad for the women who could love so fully with their entire heart and not have it return. She always sympathized with them. But until recently, she couldn't empathize. Not in the same way. Now, though, she could. Why did she ever think that she would find him and he'd be happy to see her? Why did she let herself hope even for a second and risk that it could be broken?
Silly Bella.
As badly as she hurt, as much as she felt like she was reduced to nothing but fragments of a being, Jasper was still more important. He always would be to her. It was clear that he would never look at her the same way she did of him, but that didn't change how much she loved him. It just changed the amount of hurt the rejection caused. Pushing aside everything else until she was numb to feeling any of it, she dropped to her knees beside him.
"Jasper," she whispered. It didn't even sound like her voice. She forgot what it felt like to have his name on her tongue and now, she didn't even fathom how she could say it aloud.
All she wanted to do want just make sure he was okay. Then she would leave. She would go back to Jacksonville, as far away from him as he wanted her to go. Just... he had to be all right first. She pulled his arm toward her, laying it in her lap. Both of her hands went to unclench his fist so that one could hold his hand. Her other hand held his forearm, a little ways up from his wound. It was an angry red, the same as the cut had been from the newborn. But this looked worse and she could feel his pain. She didn't think it would work, but Bella was just desperate to somehow make him feel better. Leaning down, she closed her eyes and blew warm air against his wrist. Her mother used to do that when Bella would skin her knees or tear up her palms and it always soothed her. Again, she doubted it would help Jasper.
But she could try.
Jasper did not deserve her care. The fact that she was touching him was almost more punishment in of itself. As much as he longed for her touch, and had missed the way her warm skin felt against his icy flesh, it was very difficult for him to be so close to her. Her kindness and the tender way she was cradling his wounded limb was almost too much for him to bear. She should be screaming at him, berating him for failing her, for not being good enough, for her shame in him. She wasn't, and that was worse to him than if she was.
Yet, Jasper did not move. He was still so numb, and the stone wall around his heart had not yet crumbled. He couldn't let it. He couldn't fall apart in front of her now. Bella would comfort him further and he was not worthy of that. He wasn't worth her concern. Jasper looked at the ground while she blew gently against his wound. It was true, that it couldn't do much to combat the venom. All he could truly do for that was wait it out until it healed and scarred over. But it was the gesture that was so soothing, and that was what made it feel better.
"Thank you," he said quietly, once he was able to formulate words again. That wasn't nearly enough to encompass his gratitude for her compassion.
He didn't pull away from her, even though he wanted to. But Jasper knew the sort of reaction she would have if he did something like that. She shouldn't be touching such a 'hideous creature,' as Maria had dubbed him. She shouldn't be here in the woods with him. She should've been enjoying her life, even if it was with Jacob. Jasper had no idea what had brought her out here, or why she was alone. But it wasn't any of his business anymore, was it?
"I'll take you home." He pulled his shirt to him, as it was within arm's reach from where he was sitting, and started to slide it on. He managed to get his good arm through the sleeve, but the bad arm.. He stopped. Bella would have to let go of him for him to even be able to try, though he wasn't sure he'd be able to do it.
"If you'd like to go ahead, I'll keep watch to make sure you're safe." He could at least do that. He wouldn't make her walk with him. He wouldn't force himself to be in her presence.
He lowered his head further and kept his gaze on the ground. He wanted the heartache, truly. Anything was better than this numbness. But Jasper wasn't even sure he was strong enough to break down the stone wall surrounding his heart to allow him to feel that pain. He never thought he would yearn for something so miserable, but he was praying for it now. Feeling something would always be better than feeling nothing. But no one was answering his prayers. And why would they? He was in his own personal hell now, and no one was going to listen.
Bella had to look away when he tugged on his shirt. She knew why it had been off in the first place. It brought back a memory. The night he'd fought the newborn off, it had been torn and tattered as a result of the encounter. It was removed because he was wounded. This time though, his shirt was off before he'd taken a bite to the wrist. And it hadn't been by Bella. It had been by the woman who was responsible for the vicious red mark that burned against his skin. Bella knew he didn't have any hesitation when she put her hands on the fabric, not like he did when the brunette had done the same. He didn't push her away when she was too bold with her kisses. He didn't tell her no.
"No," she said when he offered to take her home to ensure she was safe. "I'll be fine," she said.
She turned her back, willing herself to succumb to feeling nothing but numb again. Bella would tell him it was unnecessary because he was too much of a gentleman to just do what he wanted instead of what was polite. He didn't want to look after her. He didn't want to ensure that she was safe. He didn't want to take her home. He didn't even want to look at her. Jasper didn't want to be found – that much was obvious. But even more so, he didn't want to be found by Bella. He was in enough pain as it was as a result of Maria's bite. He didn't need to be tortured by seeing someone he couldn't stand, who he just wanted to be rid of. It was true that he'd pushed Maria away before her advances went any further. But that didn't mean anything when it came to Bella. That didn't mean he wanted her instead.
It was difficult to stay numb as she walked blindly through the woods. The images of him rolling around with the raven beauty, kissing her, touching her – they made Bella feel sick. It was punishment for looking for him when he didn't want her to find him. But that didn't make it any easily to swallow. She felt dizzy, her vision blurred. She couldn't remember where to go, the direction in which she'd come. She couldn't remember how to get back to her truck, where the road was. She couldn't see the trees in front of her or the ground or the sky. She could just see his lips on Maria's, his hands.
The pain was winning. The dizziness was taking over. She was feeling. She was hurting. The numbness was fading. As it did, Bella began to panic. She needed to get back to her truck before she broke down. But the fact that she couldn't remember where to go wasn't helping her. She started walking faster, still blind to everything except images that she wanted to burn from her memory.
"I can't remember," she choked, trying harder to hold back tears as she pushed branches out of her way and stumbled along.
But because she was in such a hurry and trying so desperately to get out of there before she broke, she wasn't paying enough attention and her feet caught on a log. Bella fell, scraping her hands and crumbling to the ground. As soon as she hit it, she couldn't take it anymore. The pain overtook her and she gave up trying to fight it. Instead, she curled up, wrapping her arms around herself, and cried.
Of course she didn't want his help. Why should she? Jasper wasn't good enough to look after her, and he couldn't take care of her properly. He loved her, but he'd messed everything up, and she didn't want him anymore. He wasn't sure why she'd been out there on her own, but he did know that sometimes she had a tendency to wander. Jasper wasn't really thinking about that right now, though. He wasn't really thinking at all. He was just existing, in a world that didn't even seem real.
Was all of this possible? Or was he the first vampire fall asleep and have nightmares? His worst fears had all come true, and his whole world was crashing down around him. He'd lost Bella to Jacob because of his own failures, and Maria had surfaced, scarring him further. What was worse, Bella had seen him with Maria and further damaged any hopes of rebuilding the world that had crumbled around him. The worst part of all was the fact that Jasper was still numb to all of it. He would have welcomed the pain and the shame that should have been consuming him, but instead he was just sitting there, emotionless with a blank look on his face.
Jasper could not just let her walk off on her own. Even though she had said she did not need his help, he couldn't risk her being in danger. While he could no longer pick up Maria's scent, that did not mean there weren't other dangers lurking in these woods, nor did it mean Maria wouldn't come back. Gathering himself up off the ground, he managed to pull his shirt on the rest of the way, though he did not bother with the buttons. Jasper kept a safe distance so she would not realize he was following her. He could not feel her pain, or her sadness. He knew she was hurting, though. He could see it on her face and in the way she was carrying herself. The longer she walked, the more frantic she became in her steps and motions. When she fell, Jasper cursed himself for not being closer to her so he could catch her.
He watched her as she curled up and cried, and wished he could feel that pain too. But there was nothing. He watched her as she cried, wishing he could comfort her, but how could he when he couldn't even feel her pain? What good would it do? She wouldn't want him to anyway. There was someone who could comfort her, though. Jacob. Maybe, if he could just get her back to her truck, she'd be able to get home and Jacob could do what Jasper could not. He still wanted to protect her, and if that would make her safe, then he'd do it.
Without a word, Jasper came out from his hiding place and picked up her fallen form. He did not hold her intimately, but did handle her with great care. It did not take the vampire long to find the edge of the woods, which led him right to where she'd left her vehicle. He wasn't even sure if Bella was aware of that he'd carried her out of the woods or not. It didn't matter. He opened the door to the driver's side of the truck and set her inside, then closed the door and walked off, disappearing into the woods again. He was still close, but out of sight. Jasper decided he would stay there until she left. He didn't want her driving in a hysterical state, however. In order to prevent that, he used his power to calm her, to take the edge off her pain enough for her to think clearly. She needed to be able to function in order to drive. To drive herself back into Jacob's arms. Jasper looked down and away from her truck. He didn't know where he was going to go now, but he knew he couldn't follow her home.
Important Author's Note: Right off the bat, we're going to say that we're sorry, some of you will be unhappy with this chapter. But it had to happen. Please don't be discouraged. Misunderstandings, hard times, and painful situations are what make a story. It can't be happy all the time. But that doesn't mean it will be like this forever. We don't want to give too much away (what's the fun in that?), but please have faith in Jasper and Bella and this story. We are the biggest Jasper/Bella shippers there are, trust us. But we write the characters very true to themselves. They feel pain and they deal with it in the way they know how. It's important for us to explore that, not just get inside their heads when everything is going well. Please keep reading! We'll have the next chapter posted shortly in which you will have a LOT of Jasper and Bella interaction. We won't say how it goes because we want that to be a surprise. But stay tuned! As always, we love your feedback. Your reviews are our favorite thing to read. Keep them coming! :) Cheers.
Lyrics: 30 Minutes- T.A.T.U