If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world? ;;
Jasper knew Bella was exhausted. He couldn't believe she'd managed to stay awake throughout the car ride. He'd taken them to Oregon, specifically to Nehalem Bay. That was where Carlisle's cabin was. He'd gone to it a few times throughout his life with the Cullens, mostly for hunting trips. They'd never stayed for a particularly long stint of time. If not for hunting, they'd come here during a transition period while they sorted out details of where they would travel to next to live for the subsequent chapter of their lives. That seemed appropriate for his and Bella's purpose for leaving. They could stay here until they figured out how to heal and mend their relationship and then go from there. They had a lot to work on, a lot to talk about. But Jasper knew that despite all of that, he truly loved her. As long as they remembered their love, they would be able to get through all the hardships and come out stronger than ever. That was his hope, and that was what drove him to this place.
The cabin was relatively small compared to what one would expect to be a Cullen establishment. It's purpose wasn't to be a permanent residence, however, and Carlisle had not wanted it to stand out or draw attention to them. It was still large enough to house the large coven and give them their own personal space, but it was not extravagant like the mansion they inhabited in Forks. The problem was, it was not stocked with the things that Bella would need while they stayed. There was no food and they had no clothing to change into. Jasper would have taken care of that ahead of time if he'd known they were going to be traveling, but since this was a spontaneous trip and he had no phone, he could not prepare accordingly. But they'd manage. The first priority was for Bella to get some rest. Once she'd slept, they could go from there.
Jasper carried her into one of the bedrooms, the one on the lofted second floor. The main floor was open, with the kitchen and living room one large space. There were two bathrooms, another bedroom, and a den. On the second floor, the bedroom was all that was up there. It was open, too, overlooking the living room and kitchen below. The house was fully functional, despite it being rarely lived in. There was running water, electricity, and a functioning kitchen. Esme had designed the cabin-style house a long time ago, and sometimes they rented it out to Carlisle's co-workers or acquaintances in order to make a little money. Fortunately, it was vacated for now and once he got a hold of Carlisle he'd make sure it would stay that way for the duration of their stay. Once Bella was rested, they could go into town to the market for food to stock the cabinets and refrigerator, as well as clothing for them both to have. For now though, he was content just to watch her sleep.
He'd laid her in the bed and covered her up without unwrapping her from the blanket she already had around her. He wanted to make sure she was warm, especially since he got under the covers with her. Jasper watched through half-lidded eyes as she curled up against him and slid her arm across his stomach. It didn't take long at all before he heard her breathing and heartbeat both grow slower and steadied. He watched Bella as she slept, keeping one arm around her covered body and holding her against him. He lightly stroked her hair and occasionally would kiss the top of her head at times throughout her slumber, but mostly he just laid still. He did not want to disturb her or cause her to awaken prematurely before she'd sufficiently slept. They laid there throughout the rest of the evening and night, and far beyond the point where the sun had risen the following day. The cabin had a large window that allowed light to pour in over the kitchen and living room, but also gave a great view of the bay from the lofted room they were sleeping in. It didn't matter to him how long they stayed in bed; he just wanted to be with Bella.
If she had dreamt that night, it would have been one of two all too familiar dreams: daffodils or reunions, black and white or sepia. Nothing that would cause her to awake in a fright, nothing that would haunt her long afterward. The latter was what she had been fearing enough to keep her from sleep before she set off for the fairground the day before. The reason she still avoided it after she and Jasper found one another had been for a fear that she would have awoken alone. But that night, Bella didn't dream, nor did she wake up alone. Instead, her rest was peaceful, deep and uninterrupted. Though she usually tossed and turned quite frequently and usually resulted in waking in a tangle of sheets and blankets, she was very still that night. Perhaps it was mainly for the fact that she'd been lacking sleep so much that her slumber was deep enough to prevent such occurrences. The only movements she made were small shifts, usually to unconsciously pull Jasper closer to her as she slept. Either way, the rest had been what her body needed in order to restore itself and though she awoke much later than she normally would have the next afternoon, it had been well-needed and worth it in the long run.
She could smell him. That had been what woke her and brought her to her senses quicker than when she opened her eyes – his scent. It had been obstructed the day before by the rain. Even when she was safely nestled into the passenger side seat of Annabelle, where, within the car was a high concentration of Jasper's scent, she couldn't appreciate it fully. Now though, it surrounded her. Bella didn't give that smell quite enough credit. Being without it made her realize just how badly she missed it. It was so distinct, unlike any other. If she wanted to, she wouldn't have been able to think of a good enough comparison for it. Putting it very simply… it was Jasper. There was no sweeter scent in her opinion. Opening her eyes slowly, she let them adjust to the room, taking in what she could before she had to lift them upward to see him. She didn't have to pinch herself to ensure this wasn't a dream. The cool feel of him beside her was enough of an indication, as was the smooth curve of his jawline above her head when she lifted her gaze to him.
Stretching, Bella didn't say anything yet as she pressed up against the side of his body, tightening her arm around him in the process and moving her face to the crook of his neck. There, she inhaled deeply, letting the smell surround her before exhaling with a soft murmur from her lips that was a mixture of lingering sleepiness and utter contentment. Her nose nuzzled against his skin, eyes closing again for a moment to just enjoy the close proximity of him against her. The first and only thing she said for the moment was his name.
"Jasper."
There was no reason for it; surely he already knew she was awake just by her movements and the change in both her heart rate and her breathing pattern. No reason… other than the fact that she'd missed saying it. She had been mindful though, to keep her lips against his neck. Bella was always conscious of the fact that she didn't smell as good as he did, especially her breath, and especially in the morning. Usually she kept the conversation to a bare minimum to nonexistent before she had a chance to brush her teeth. She knew, though, that talking was a big point on their agenda. How that would bode well with that fact that she didn't have her toiletries, or anything else for that matter, was lost on Bella.
There was something of a quick fix though. Giving him another squeeze and a kiss to his neck, the sleepy brunette rolled out of bed, shedding the blankets that enveloped her as she got to her feet. She hadn't really taken much note of the cabin the night before, but she could appreciate its simple elegance now. Currently, she appreciated the use of one of the bathrooms. Spending a few minutes in there, she made sure to wash up a bit before returning to him. Again, there was little she could do since they hadn't been planning this, but she managed as best as she could. Running the water tap on cold, she splashed a few handfuls on her face to help cast off the drowsiness that always hung on after just waking from a long sleep. She filled her hands and brought them to her face to take a mouthful of water, squishing and sloshing it around her cheeks and teeth before spitting it out. It didn't do much, again, but she did feel like she at least a little cleaner for the time being. Repeating the process two more times to be sure, she turned the tap off and went back to the bedroom where Jasper waited.
Crawling over toward him, she pulled him in close for an embrace, wrapping her arms around him tightly. "Good morning," she said, resting her chin on his shoulder.
Jasper really could have laid there for another day if she needed it, or even longer. He never grew tired of watching her sleep, though this was a little different than in nights past when she'd slept beside him. She wasn't dreaming, from what he could tell. Bella was a talker when she dreamt, and she typically would move around, and her eyelids would twitch. That night, she'd been very still. The steady rise and fall of her chest and the sound of her beating heart were the only movements her body made throughout the night and the morning, save for the occasional shift to get closer to him. Those movements made him smile. He liked that she wanted to be close to him. It made him feel a little less like a monster, that someone so beautiful and pure could feel so comfortable with him that she'd allow herself the vulnerability of slumber in his presence.
Jasper watched her as she stirred out of her slumber, working her way back towards consciousness. He liked to watch her shift from subconscious to reality. It was interesting to him, since he couldn't remember what it was like to sleep and wake up. There was an uneven pattern to her heartbeat until it found its conscious rhythm and her breathing increased in its speed ever so slightly. Jasper had memorized these shifts over the many nights he'd spend beside her, and he'd missed them in his absence at her bedside. He breathed in the scent of her hair once more before he knew she was awake and shifted his body to accommodate for her awakening.
He felt Bella stretch and turn into him a little more, and smiled to himself. They had a lot to talk about and a lot to get through while they were away. But they didn't have to do it right this second. Jasper wanted to make sure she was well fed and that they got all of the things they both would need while they stayed here. Once they were more settled, they could address those issues. It wasn't as if there was a pink elephant in the room causing tension, making it impossible to even look at each other without feeling anxious. That actually surprised him. He thought he'd be picking up on all sorts of tension and anxiety after the trauma they'd endured. Maybe it was because he was so shut off from the emotional world, but he didn't think so. Bella was smiling and cuddling with him. She wouldn't have been doing that if she was upset.
The way his name rolled off her tongue brought another smile to his lips and further confirmed that going out today to tend to their immediate needs was the right decision. Jasper kissed the top of her head and hugged her as she curled into him and hid her face in his neck. He then shifted accordingly as she got up, and watched her walk off into the bathroom. He felt bad that there was nothing to accommodate her morning rituals, but they'd take care of that today.
When Bella returned, Jasper was sitting up a little more in the bed with his back against the headboard. As she crawled towards him, he reached out and pulled her into his arms. It felt so good to hold her. Even though he'd done so for the last several hours, and had done it countless times in their time together, the rush he got from initially pulling her against him never faded. Jasper kissed her temple and rubbed her back gently.
"Good afternoon," he said with a light chuckle. He kissed her other temple, then pulled back to look at her. "Are you hungry? I thought we could go into town and pick up a few things. There is a long row of clothing stores in town that's right across from the outdoor market." He leaned in and very lightly kissed her lips. "And I believe there's a convenience store nearby as well. We can get everything we need today so we don't have to go back out unless we want to." Or unless he needed to hunt, but he thought he'd be okay for another day or two.
"Does that sound all right with you?" He asked, lightly brushing his fingers against her cheek.
Bella didn't realize just how late it was until he laughed and corrected her. Then again, it shouldn't have come as any surprise considering how tired she'd been. Tired and hungry. As if on cue, her stomach grumbled when he'd asked if she needed something to eat. She hadn't eaten anything since the morning before and just like she'd needed sleep, Bella needed food as well. Looking sheepish, she nodded.
"Food would be good," she agreed.
The rest of the plan sounded like a good one to her. She was anxious and eager to be able to get something that she could change into as well, knowing that she had to look awful considering everything that had happened. Bella had made it a point not to look in the mirror that morning (rather afternoon), knowing that she would have been ashamed to go back to Jasper.
It seemed, when they went into town, that everyone else noticed her appearance too. Perhaps Bella was just more conscious of her looks than she usually was - which, was hardly at all – but it seemed like there were plenty of eyes that cast her a disdainful look. She knew it wasn't just on account of the fact that she looked awful, but it was paired with the fact that Jasper looked so painfully beautiful in comparison. Even though he had been subjected to the rain and the long journey the day before, he still managed to look flawless. If anything, the weather had just made his handsomeness rugged in a way, a look that worked just as well on him as did his usually clean, well-put-together appearance.
There was one pair of blonde females in particular at the little place where they'd stopped to get Bella something to eat that she wasn't fond of. They stared after him just a little bit too long, whispered just a little bit too often, and fluttered their eyelashes so many times that Bella wondered if they would actually fall out. She didn't even know why the two of them would be caught in the fishing town, but then again, Bella also knew they were wondering why such a sad-looking girl was burdening such a dreamy catch.
She just tried to ignore them, glad that Jasper's back was to them rather than the other way around. It worked, but as she ate, she noted them continuing to whisper and cast her condescending gazes. To her horror, one of them rose from her seat in the corner and approach her and Jasper's table. The blonde's eyes narrowed once in a menacing look, hidden from Jasper's view of course. The leggy beanpole of a girl was daring enough to put her hand on his shoulder as she turned to face him, ignoring Bella.
"Hi there," she said, flashing him a smile with orthodontist-perfected teeth. "My friend and I," she said, pausing to nod to the other girl at the corner table, "noticed you. I'm sure I haven't seen you around here before. I would have remembered a face like that."
Bella didn't bother to hide her expression. It was mainly one that could be described as incredulous disgust. Was this girl serious with that line?
She hid her face and tried to hold back a bitter laugh by spearing a bite of her mashed potatoes. She was beginning to wish they'd gone shopping and changed first before getting her something to eat. No matter how hungry she was, it could have waited if it meant that perhaps this situation could have been avoided.
"Paisley and I wondered if maybe you wanted a few tour guides? We have a lot we could show you," the blonde said without shame in the double meaning of her words.
Though she normally never would have said anything, Bella wasn't about to stand for this. This was a time that she and Jasper were meant to be alone. This was their time, their place. She wasn't going to stay quiet while an over-plucked blonde in too much pink hung all over him as if he were sitting alone.
"Actually, I think we're all right. But thanks so much for the offer," she said, fixing the girl with a serious look to match her sarcasm.
Jasper was relieved that Bella did not try to protest about eating, claiming she was fine when she was really starving. It was good that her body reacted, too, as there would be no denying that she was hungry. He smiled and gave her a tender kiss and one more embrace, before helping her up off the bed that morning. He followed, standing up and taking hold of her hand. He knew she'd feel better once she had something to eat and could take a shower. He'd be glad to take a shower, too. Then afterwards, they could curl up together and figure out what they were going to do.
He drove them down from the woods where the cabin was so comfortably nestled, all the way into the town. It was most definitely a fishing village, but it had a lot of common amenities as well. The plan was, they'd get her something to eat now, then they could go get clothes to have for at least the next few days, head to the convenience store for toiletries, then go to the market so she could pick out any foods she wanted to have in the house. It seemed like the most logical way to get everything accomplished.
When they found a restaurant that she thought she'd like, Jasper parked Annabelle and locked the doors, then escorted Bella inside. They sat down together, and he ordered a water that he subsequently would not touch once it was brought to him. He was aware of the girls even though he could not see them. Jasper could hear their whispering and it slightly amused him. It was more annoying than anything else, though. He made no move to look at them or acknowledge their presence in any way. He only had eyes for Bella. That is, until one of them came over and started talking to him. It was a little awkward for Jasper, as these were the types of girls he sometimes dreamt of preying on. He didn't do that so much anymore, but it was just odd for him to be interacting with a girl like the one who had interrupted his time with Bella.
He opened his mouth to respond in a way to politely decline, but Bella was actually faster in giving her reply to the girl. He did like the way she handled it. For his part, Jasper simply kept his gaze on Bella and added to her words.
"Yes, we're just fine," he said, taking Bella's hand and kissing her knuckles. "We'll be staying in for most of the duration of our stay, won't we my love? I don't anticipate us venturing out too much." The double meaning in his words was just as evident as it had been in the other girl's. He finally looked at the blonde girl and flashed a charming smile.
"But I sure do thank you, ma'am, for being so considerate."
Bella wasn't exactly threatened by the forward attempts of that girl to woo Jasper right in front of her, but she wasn't comfortable with it either. It could have been on account of the fact that she was not looking her greatest (to put it lightly), or it could have had a lot to the with the fact that things that occurred between them recently, particularly in regard to a certain Spanish bitch, wounded Bella's confidence severely. Either way, it wasn't a situation she would have chosen.
But she couldn't keep a smile off her face when Jasper played along with her. His commentary made her cheeks blush – something that she couldn't avoid, though she wanted to in order to keep up with the façade – but it wasn't something she minded becoming a truth. All she really wanted to do was to stay in with Jasper. They needed to do their errands first, and she knew that soon enough, they would have to stay in to be having a serious conversation. But she still didn't mind the thought of staying curled up with him more than roaming about the town.
Especially if he had been serious about the double meaning to his words.
The blonde, however, was not so impressed. While she was sufficiently dazzled by the smile Jasper had given her paired with the hint of his Southern accent and charm, she was put off by the fact that she had just been turned down in favor of a plain girl with messy hair. She tossed her own hair over her shoulder, scoffed, and turned back to her friend who looked stunned silent.
Bella's smile stayed when she looked back at Jasper. "I was finally able to see your heartbreaking ability in action," she said, reaching her hand across the table to give his a squeeze.
What she really wanted to do was to push back her chair and settle down in his lap long enough to kiss him something fierce, making sure that the blondes and everyone else for that matter, understood that he didn't need a tour guide. Of course, that would embarrass him just as much as it would her as far as the public display of affection was concerned. She made a note to give him that kiss later though.
She finished eating, polishing off her entire plate which was a testament to just how hungry she'd truly been, and leaned back to rest a hand on her stomach gently. "I'm stuffed," she said.
It didn't take them long to pay and leave and she thanked Jasper for the meal. Before they could get started on the rest of their plans for their visit to town, she stopped. Spying a payphone, she turned to look up at him and sighed.
"I'd better call Charlie," she said. "He's probably already called the whole of the Washington police force to find me." It was sad that such a thing wasn't all that far-fetched.
The phone call… didn't go as well as she would have hoped, but it did go about as well as she expected. Charlie was happy to know that she was all right, but was angry that she took off and left without telling him first. When he asked who she was with, Bella hesitated. Telling him she was with Jasper – a good-looking, teenage boy – alone in another state was signing her death sentence for certain. But Bella didn't want to keep it from her dad or anyone else for that matter. And so, she said Jasper's name.
Immediately, her father started firing off a hundred questions and a few words that weren't exactly relevant to staying calm. "Dad. Dad!" she interrupted. "I'm fine. I… just need the time away. I need it. I'm sorry I didn't tell you beforehand, but I just needed to go. I promise I'll check in again soon but in the meantime, you have to trust me, Dad. I'm fine."
Charlie still wasn't happy by any means, but Bella wasn't about to leave on account of his unhappiness. He could kick her out of the house or ground her for the rest of her life when she returned, it didn't matter. All that mattered was having this time with Jasper.
"It's probably a good thing that bullets don't affect you," she said after hanging up and reaching for Jasper's hand again.
While Jasper had been speaking mostly in order to make the invasive female go back to her table and whisper bitterly to her friend, he did hope there would be some truth to his words. They weren't exactly here to indulge in the town. As nice as it was in the bay, Jasper and Bella had come here for other reasons, and they needed to honor that. It would do no good for them to ignore the traumatic events that had gone down between them in Forks. Otherwise those problems would be there waiting for them as soon as they got back. No, they needed to work through them here, and cleanse themselves of their issues. Jasper also wouldn't protest staying curled up in the rather large bed they'd laid in the night before.
After she left, Jasper went back to watching Bella eat. Well, he didn't watch her like a hawk. He knew that could make others feel uncomfortable, to be watched while they ate. But he didn't want to look away from her much. He'd missed her so, and all he wanted to do was go back and crawl into bed with her. He looked down a bit shyly when she talked about him breaking hearts and shrugged innocently before looking back over at her.
"I don't know about that. I was just being honest." He kissed her hand again before releasing it so that he could gently place his on her knee. That wasn't for show. It was under the table so no one would be able to see it. He just wanted to keep touching her.
When she was finished, Jasper paid and they headed outside. It was a nice day; still very overcast but it wasn't raining and the summer temperatures kept it from being too cool for comfort. Before they could get started on anything else, however, Bella voiced the need to call Charlie. As much as he didn't want to upset her father, she was right. Charlie did need to know where she was. It was fortunate she wasn't a minor anymore, otherwise he could get in trouble for taking her out of state without his permission. He knew Chief Swan wouldn't hesitate to have him locked up for something like that.
The phone call went about as well as Jasper expected it to as well. He could hear Charlie's voice through the extension even though his ear wasn't to the receiver. Part of him was glad that Bella was honest, though. It would make things easier in the long run, even if right now it wasn't good for him or their being able to be together when they got back. He wasn't too worried about that, though. Bella was eighteen; she could do whatever she wanted. Whatever the result, Jasper would be there to help take care of her however he could. Once she hung up, Jasper sighed.
"I'm going to get a cell phone today; one of those pay as you go phones to last me until we get back. You can keep in touch with him that way. I'll call Carlisle and ask him to speak to your father and explain. He's good at that sort of thing. I'm sure he'll find a way to word it that will lessen the anger."
That said, he offered her his arm as they walked further into town. They'd deal with Charlie when they had to. For now, the next step they needed to take was to purchase some clothing and necessities for at least the next several days. They could always come back later, but he wanted to spend some extended quality time with her without the need to come back for a while. So he told her once they reached the section of town that was lined with clothing stores to pick out whatever she wanted to get her through the week. He pulled out his American Express black card and handed it to her.
"They won't question you for ID or anything. And don't feel guilty about using it. That's what it's there for. I'll just be in that store," he said, nodding to the men's store across the street. "I'll meet you here in an hour? Will that be enough time?" He knew Bella wasn't exactly interested in shopping, so he didn't think it would take her that long.
"If you need longer, that's perfectly fine. Just bring me what you've purchased in an hour and I'll hold it while you finish." Clearly Jasper had been subjected to countless shopping sprees in his lifetime. It was no secret that Alice had been a shopping addict. He never complained, though.
Kissing her briefly, then lightly caressing her cheek, Jasper reluctantly parted ways with her and crossed the cobblestone street and entered the men's store to make his purchases. He didn't need much; just a few shirts and maybe a pair of pants or two. He needed something sufficient for hunting, too. A new pair of shoes, and something appropriate to wear to bed. He didn't sleep, of course, but it was just more comfortable to wear sleeping attire when going to bed at night with Bella. He hated leaving her, but he knew they'd finish twice as fast if they shopped separately. True to his word, he was back at the designated place a few minutes before the hour was up, carrying two bags of clothing and shoes, as well as another bag with his new to-go phone. He'd actually finished his clothing shopping in just over a half hour. The rest of the time had been spent getting a phone. He leaned against a light pole, waiting for his Bella to return to him.
Bella wished her shopping trip had gone as well as Jasper's had. It had gone unlike anything that she expected. She planned to just go to one of the shops, grab a few things, and leave. She figured it would take, at the very most, fifteen minutes or so. She didn't want or need to take her time in browsing selections.
It started to turn out that way. There hadn't been much at the first shop she went in that seemed to be anything that she would wear, but she did grab a sweater and a few plain tank tops that she thought would be appropriate for the weather, but that were quite simple in nature. The girl behind the register looked bored, slightly disappointed in Bella's selection for whatever reason. But that all changed the second Bella took the credit card Jasper gave her out of her pocket. The cashier literally almost choked on her gum when she saw it, causing Bella to panic. Was something wrong? Did she actually need to get Jasper to sign for it despite him saying she wouldn't have to worry about it?
All of a sudden the salesgirl turned into a completely different person. "Oh, just let me show you this new item we got in. I think it would love amazing on you. You'll just love it!"
Bella, dumbfounded and still trying to figure out what the deal was upon seeing the credit card, simply stared at her as she leapt from behind the counter, abandoning the rest of Bella's sale and pulling on the brunette's hand.
"Are you visiting the Bay for long? Have you gotten here recently? Have you ever been here before?" The eager clerk started rattling off questions, progressing to a new one before Bella could even answer the one before it. She was too concerned with the way the bubbly redhead was suddenly filling her arms with all kinds of clothing in every pattern and color imaginable.
"What size are you? About a two? A four? Probably about a four I'd think. You have such a great little figure, you know. You should really try these new… I think you would look great in this… Oh, you have to show me what this looks like on…" More and more statements that left Bella speechless. It wasn't until she was quite literally shoved toward a fitting room near the back of the store that she reacted.
"Wait, no," she said. "I really don't think any of this is-" But the salesgirl cut her off with the cluck of her tongue and pushed her –literally—behind one of the curtains.
"Try them! You'll see!" she beamed excitedly.
Bella stood inside, surrounding by heaps of clothing she never would have picked up in a million years for how trendy and slightly eccentric some of it was. She was a jeans and Henley type of girl and that was fine by her. It was what she was comfortable in. Most of this stuff was far from that and she was sure that some of it would have been better fitted for a hooker on a street corner than anyone like Bella who was… the exact opposite of anything of that nature. She planned to just sit in the fitting room for five minutes, lie and say she tried things on and they didn't work for her, so she could pay for the things she'd picked out originally and leave. That plan was shot to hell though when not only the original sales girl, but another one called into her fitting room, asking about how things were coming and begging her to come out and show them something.
Bella really had to fight back a laugh at how desperate they were acting. She still didn't understand why, but she attributed to the fact that the store hadn't been very crowded at all and perhaps they were just bored. Because she had some time to kill to allow Jasper enough time to get what he needed, and because she wanted the women to shut up, she pulled a light-knit summer dress. It didn't look too bad. While it was something that Bella still probably wouldn't have worn at first, it was kind of… pretty. Mainly that was on account of the fact that it was a soft purple color, but aside from that, it was plain, nothing too fancy. It was knee-length and had short fluttery cap sleeves.
But the most surprising thing? It was comfortable. The material was light and she felt like she could move in it. Perhaps she hadn't been wearing dresses enough to know that they weren't all stuffy and scary. It would be a lot cooler than wearing jeans in the summer heat as well. She hardly had a second to open the curtain before one of the sales girls ripped it back.
"Oh my God! See! It looks a-mazing," she gushed, causing Bella to flush in the cheeks.
For another forty minutes, the brunette was subjected to this torture, forced to play dress up when it was not something that she liked. She was, however, surprised at the way she looked in some of the things. Maybe dressing a little bit more feminine –as she was so often told she needed to by people when she shopped or even by her own mother – wasn't such a bad thing. As long as what she was wearing was comfortable, she didn't care. When she finally put her foot down and told them she had to leave, she winded up with more than she had originally. She still had the same couple of tops and the sweater she'd gotten before, but now she had a handful of dresses of all things, as well as a few other tops and bottoms. One benefit had been that the salesgirls pointed her out to the intimates section that she would have missed the first time on her own.
Those she had to be firm about. She wasn't letting the workers dress her up in those, but she did let them pick out a few sets that matched, a couple of which were a bit more girlish and of finer fabric than Bella probably would have picked, as well as some pajamas. But again, maybe that was a good thing. One thing that was for sure; it was a thought that made her feel anxious and yet extremely nervous to think that the reason she didn't mind their help with such things was because she wondered if Jasper would be seeing them, especially after what he'd said at the restaurant before to the annoying blond twit who tried to pick him up.
Pushing those thoughts out of her head, Bella willed herself to be serious. She focused back on the present, proud that she was able to talk the salesgirls out of giving her too many things. Jasper might have told her not to worry about it, but Bella didn't like the idea of spending his – or anyone else's for that matter – money. He already treated her enough. She did get everything she needed and more though, including a pair of summer shoes that were more appropriate than her old sneakers she was wearing, and it wasn't that bad in cost considering the amount of things she'd gotten. Still, she didn't look at the total, knowing she would feel immensely guilty, no matter how little or how much it actually was.
By the time she made it out of the store with two bags on each arm, Bella felt like it had been years since she'd seen him. As relieved as she had been to avoid the awkward situation of having to buy certain things in front of him, she had wished Jasper would have been there to perhaps make the salesgirl leave her be. She was late meeting him, having gone over the hour-mark and feeling badly for it. As soon as her eyes landed on him however, she hurried over.
"I'm so sorry," she said apologetically, her eyes wide as she tried to explain. "I didn't want all this stuff. Honestly," she said. "They trapped me! They made me try things on," she said, wincing as she glanced back at the shop. Turning back to him, she gave him a sheepish expression. "I'm sorry," she said again.
While shopping for his pay-as-you-go phone, Jasper hadn't really paid much attention to the sales person as he timidly explained how the phone plans worked. Obviously the other young man was intimidated by Jasper and how he looked. That was something he got often; devastatingly beautiful, but very intense and almost severe at times, especially when he was thinking about something. His mind had been on other things while the young man jabbered on about what sounded like would be in his best interest but really would get the company the most money. Jasper let him blabber on for several minutes and then just pointed to the unlimited pre-paid plan instead. That way Bella could call Charlie anytime she wanted for as long as necessary and he could speak with Carlisle as well.
It didn't matter to him, really. He just needed the phone. Now he had it, while he waited for Bella, he took a moment to turn on the phone and call Carlisle. He only had a limited time due to it being just barely charged, but fortunately he was able to speak at a faster rate than the average human being, so he did not need much time to talk to his father. He told Carlisle that he'd give him more details later, but the gist of things was that he and Bella had gone to their cabin to get some space and work things out, and he'd keep her safe there. Carlisle assured him no one would be renting the cabin anytime soon and that they'd keep an eye on Bella's house. He told Jasper to take as much time as they needed, and that he would speak with Charlie to explain the situation a little better and hopefully put his mind more at ease. At some point during the conversation, Esme worked her way onto the phone and started mother henning him immediately. She reminded him that Bella would need food three times a day with snacks in between. Basically, she told him they needed to do everything he'd already put into motion to happen. But he thanked his mother anyway and just as he hung up, Bella was approaching.
Clearly, Bella had been bombarded by the sales women at the store she'd gone to. He knew that because he highly doubted Bella would have purchased all of those things on her own. It was a possibility though, and he certainly did not have any qualms with it. He hoped she'd take whatever she wanted, but he knew Bella and he knew she wouldn't get more than what she absolutely needed, especially with someone else's money. Part of him was glad that the sales women had gotten more things for her. It allowed her to have more options if she wanted them and she might have ended up purchasing things she wouldn't have thought to get but actually enjoyed. He just hated that she probably had to suffer through trying on everything and the nagging that she most likely endured in the process. He knew enough about that by both witnessing them and having to endure them himself anytime the women in the family thought the men needed updated wardrobes.
When Bella apologized, Jasper raised his eyebrows. What was she sorry for? Being late? He was used to that from the other women in his family. He also didn't measure time the way she did, so he really did not notice it much. The only real problem with it was that it meant he was separated from her a little longer than he anticipated, thus he missed her quite a bit. None of that mattered now, though. She was here, and that made everything right. Jasper just smiled and leaned down to kiss her lips very tenderly.
"Allow me, ma'am." He took the four bags she'd acquired on her traumatic journey and carried them for her. "I'll just put these in the trunk, and we can get the rest and then be on our way." He walked back to Annabelle with her, which wasn't far at all, and placed all their clothing in the trunk. After closing the trunk, he held his hand out to her. "Almost finished, Belle."
The tension that the shopping trip had on her was gone when Jasper took the bags and in their place, gave her his hand. And a kiss. She gratefully accepted both. Bella also noted the way he referred to her.
'Belle'.
That was a new one. Coming from Jasper, she liked the way it sounded and tucked it away into her memory.
The rest of the day had been much easier as far as shopping was concerned. One of the best things about being with Jasper was that he was so authoritative when it came to others even when he didn't try to be. It definitely made it quicker for Bella to get the things she needed at the store along with him and not have to worry about being tortured again. For herself, she only picked out the bare essentials that she needed – mostly shower items, toothbrush, and toothpaste being on the very top of her list of priorities. As soon as he'd closed up Annabelle, Bella had given him back his American Express card, all too happy to get rid of it for the trouble it caused her, again, still something she didn't understand. It must've been some sort of special thing that not many people carried around. Or at least, that's what she figured.
The day was winding down. It was still light out, but soon the sun would be setting in the near future. With it, Bella knew that it would take away the prolonging of the conversation they needed to have. She wasn't sure how it would come up exactly. It wasn't something they could just rush into. But she knew that it was coming and she knew Jasper did as well. They weren't avoiding it per se, but they just weren't volunteering to begin it before they had everything else taken care of. They both still needed to get showers and clean clothes and now that they'd acquired all of their needs in order to do so, such things were possible.
Bella took her shower first, turning the water warm. It was a longer shower than perhaps she usually would have taken, but it was well-needed after the long day that had passed since she'd left her house the morning before. She washed her hair with the coconut-scented shampoo they'd gotten and when she was through, she left it to dry on its own, toweling off the moisture as much as she could with a towel. It was never good to leave her hair wet if she planned to be snuggling up to Jasper considering it usually gave her a chill, but Bella didn't care at the moment. She didn't want to be bothering with it. Before she left the bathroom as well, she made sure she spent a good couple of minutes brushing her teeth properly. Afterward, she felt a million times better. She was well-rested, well-fed, and well-bathed. When Jasper was taking his turn to clean up, Bella neatly placed her new clothes in one of the closets and sets of drawers. It was hard not to dwell on the idea that this was some sort of fantasy. She felt as if this place was theirs. Such was a nice thought, but still one that she couldn't fully appreciate knowing that they still had so much to discuss. Painful, lingering things that threatened their relationship.
When she finished putting away the clothes, she went outside to the porch swing to wait for him. The sun was setting now and casting everything in a brilliant, fading light. That was what she tried to concentrate on –- not the conversation that was inevitably coming closer.
The car ride back to the cabin had been peaceful. Jasper had to give this place credit; it was very scenic and serene. Jasper liked that they could retreat to the privacy of the cabin and not be forced to mingle with anyone in the town, or nosey neighbors curious about the new couple taking temporary residence in the large, barely used luxury cabin. That was one of the things he really liked about the house they inhabited in Forks, too. The privacy. Normally he would have been concerned about being alone with a human in such intimate quarters, but this was his Bella. While he was still always very aware of the danger, he knew deep down that should things take a turn for the worse, he would hurt himself before he hurt Bella. He'd come so far in terms of handling his control and his thirst and he knew it was because he loved Bella so much. His love for her was stronger than his thirst, and that was why he was able to be with her the way they had been for so long now.
Once they arrived back at the cabin, Jasper carried in all of their bags. He left all the food in the kitchen and then took their clothing up to the loft bedroom they'd stay in the night before. Though he would have gladly put the food away for her, he figured by letting her do it, she could put it where she wanted. And since she was going to be the one eating it, he wanted her to know where everything was. They did have bath towels in the linen closet, since they did on occasion stay in the cabin. So he fluffed a few up in the dryer while she tended to the food and then placed them in the bathroom for her and for him to use after. Jasper worked on tidying up a little while she showered. It was a way to keep him busy, and not really think about the series of conversations they were going to be having in the very near future. They'd done everything they needed to in order to have an extended stay; Jasper just hoped that after their first talk, that she'd still want to stay. Though he didn't want to talk about the unpleasantries, he knew that they'd never resolve anything if they didn't address them. For now though, he just put his clothing away by placing them in drawers and hanging a few of the nicer shirts and the pants he bought in the closet.
When Jasper heard the water shut off in the bathroom, he vacated the loft. The one thing about this cabin was, despite it's exterior being so private, the interior was very open. There were no doors separating rooms. So to give Bella her privacy, he descending the winding staircase and waited for her to come down. Once she had, he smiled at her and hugged her to him, then kissed her temple and said he'd be back shortly. He hurried back up the stairs, and entered the bathroom. It only took the water a few seconds to warm up, since Bella had just been using it. Jasper did not spend as long under the water as she did. He did what he needed to do, but did take extra care to detangle his curls. They'd gotten unruly after the rain and laying in bed with them still in disarray. After he shut the water off, he toweled himself dry and wrapped the towel around his waist. Bella was outside, so he didn't worry about her seeing anything she didn't want to see. He didn't dress himself up. He wore some of the clothing he'd purchased for lounging in; dark grey pajama bottoms, which hung a little loosely on his hips. Jasper sometimes had trouble with pants; he was tall, but very lean, so buying pants to accommodate for his height meant he had to over compensate for his width. It didn't bother him, though. He wasn't a slave to fashion, despite what others might think. He wore a dark green long-sleeved t-shirt that fit to his torso nicely. He shook his head to dry his hair a little, then ran his fingers through it. Being still damp, the curls were loose, almost straight, but still framed his face in a near-perfect manner.
Jasper walked down the stairs once more and saw her sitting in the porch swing on the expansive deck. The sun was tucking itself in for the night, casting a glow over her that Jasper found to be absolutely captivating. He was drawn to it; Bella was the flame, he the moth. His feet were moving before he even realized what he was doing, and soon Jasper found himself sliding open the glass door and stepping out into the light. It reflected off his diamond dusted skin and he immediately started to shimmer in the light.
He recoiled, retreating into the safety of the shade. For most of his kind, being caught in the sun was a beautiful thing. Jasper found himself hideous. It highlighted his scars even more brilliantly than under harsh lighting and showed him for what he truly was. That wasn't something he wanted to highlight when they were probably going to be engaging in a conversation that neither of them were happy about anyway.
Keeping along the line of the shade, he managed to sit on the swing next to her in the portion that the sun wasn't shining on. "I'm sorry," he said. "I suppose I should work on looking before I leap."
When the door opened and Jasper moved to join her, Bella's attention was drawn away from the beauty of the sun setting and instead, fell on something that put the light of the sun to shame – Jasper. Her Jasper. She only caught a glimpse of him in the light before he grew ashamed of what the effect of it had on his skin.
She couldn't understand where such shame would come from. Surely, he had no idea of how beautiful he was to her, even when every last one of his scars was visible. She was quiet, waiting until he maneuvered to sit beside her via another route that didn't involve sunlight so much as shadows. When he spoke, Bella just gave him a look and shook her head.
"I don't know why you think that's a bad thing," she said.
Sometimes she wished she could have been the sort of person to not look every time she leaped. Since she had been with Jasper, Bella did learn how to rely on her emotions more than logical thinking and thus, she was closer to the idea, but never fully would she be able to let her go down so consistently, that she rarely thought before she acted.
Reaching for his hand, she linked her fingers with his. It was a comforting gesture, one that she always liked for the simple fact that it highlighted their close proximity to one another. In the shade, their skin almost matched. It was deceptive in a way. They both seemed to share the pale hue that colored the flesh and visibly, it was hard to tell much of a difference. By looking at their hands in the shade and nothing else, it would seem like they were made to fit one another's even despite the difference in size. The size difference of their hands, though, was not the only difference between them. It was just the biggest one to be seen when one wasn't looking beneath the surface or in another context.
Pulling their hands into her lap, the sunlight was cast on both of them. Now, Bella could see the truth behind the pretty picture. He was so beautiful, so ethereal in the way his skin sparkled in the light. She couldn't see his scars the way he would. She just saw the way his skin shone and the way hers did not. His captured beauty; hers captured nothing.
It screamed the differences between them and such a thing was a reminder of so much to Bella. It was a pinprick to the heart to acknowledge that she was so unlike him. Everyone else could see it – even foolish girls at a restaurant. But there were others. Rosalie. Jacob. Maria. They could all plainly see that there was a difference between her and Jasper and they had all taken advantage of it, twisted the differences in negative ways to tear the two of them apart. And for awhile, it worked.
The reason?
"We're so different," she whispered sadly, running her thumb over the back of his shimmering hand.
And that was why it hurt. She would never be Alice. She would never be Maria. The differences between them would always stay in that she wasn't nearly - nowhere nearly – as breathtaking of a creature as either of the aforementioned women, as each of the two had been Jasper's mates. For as much as she loved him, knowing that she would never meet such high standards that had been created effortlessly through his previous relationships was something that was hard for Bella to take.
"I suppose I just don't like what I see," he said quietly about his skin. "It's a bad thing because it's just a reminder of what a monster I am." Jasper, of course, could always see the scars. It was why he often avoided mirrors, and it was why he always wore long sleeves, even in the summer heat. When he stepped into the sun and his skin glistened in the light, it just made it look like his scars were being glorified, as if they were something to be proud of. There were a few that he was proud of. The ones he'd gained by defending Bella from the newborn he could take pride in. They were worth something. The rest, not at all.
Though he did not like how he looked in the sun, Jasper did not resist when she pulled his hand into her lap, subsequently bringing it into the light. He did not look at it at first, instead looking out at the wide view from where they were sitting. He could see further than the human eye, with much clearer vision. The view around them was much more beautiful than his scars. Not as beautiful as the girl sitting next to him, but he was having a hard time looking at her now since he was talking about himself.
Jasper truly did not understand why Bella had feelings for him. He knew that love couldn't be explained, not truly, because then it wouldn't be love, but he just did not see any redeeming qualities in himself. He'd had a horrible time accepting that Alice had loved him. He deserved someone like Maria, who would punish him for his shortcomings. Bella deserved much better than him. But somehow he'd managed to get past that, by the simple fact that he did love the girl sitting next to him. He'd reasoned with himself that though he wasn't worthy of her devotion, he would bestow his on her and love her with every fiber of his being, protect her with his life, and hope that it would be enough. He thought it had been, but he wasn't quite so sure anymore. Not after what he'd witnessed with Jacob.
He did tear his gaze away from the view to look at her when she spoke of how different they were from each other. What baffled him about it was that she'd said it as if it was a bad thing. Jasper didn't understand that.
"Yes, we are," he agreed. "I'm glad that we're different. You bring out the best in me. I don't know if I do the same, but.. I feel so balanced when I'm with you." He brushed the back of her hand with his thumb. "I wouldn't want to be with someone exactly like me. I don't like myself, Bella. I couldn't love someone like me. But you. It's so easy for me to love you. I.. I don't.. even have to think about it."
Very gently, he turned their joined hands so that her wrist was facing upward. There was a row of crescents on her skin that matched the dozen around his wrist and the back of his hand. "We're not completely different, Bella." He pulled their hands into the shade, where the skin color was very similar.
"But, you're right in some ways. You're so incredibly beautiful, and I'm.. well, you saw the scars." He looked down again. "I know, you say they don't bother you. But.. you don't see them like I do. You don't see them all the time. Just once.. If you had to look at me the way I do, everyday..." he trailed off, not wanting to even think about the end of that sentence.
Bella suddenly had so many conflicting thoughts. There was a part of them that wanted to believe what he said, about loving her and how it seemed to be something that was effortless. Those words he'd spoken had touched her and there was a pull on the frail pieces of her heart. Since she'd been reunited with him at the fairground, the dust that they had turned to had begun to solidify again.
But the pieces were still separate. That was where the other half of her thoughts came in. How could he say those things and yet act so intimately with Maria? Of all people. If he loved Bella as easily as he said he did, then why was he so apologetic toward Alice for betraying her? With Bella, his late wife's dear friend.
She'd witnessed both things with her own eyes and they were images that were hard to erase. Watching him now, she saw how their scars matched when he turned her wrist around, despite that he had so many more than she did. Shaking her head when he called her beautiful, she concerned herself more with the fact that he was belittling himself so much, being far too hard on himself than he should ever have been. Bella knew why. It hadn't hit her as much before when he told her how he got his scars, but when she witnessed the exchange with Maria after he'd pushed her away, she knew where his method of thinking originated.
"If I had to look at you everyday in the way you're so afraid of, I wouldn't see anything differently, Jasper." That was the truth. Bella knew without a shadow of a doubt that if she could see his scars on a daily basis as visibly as she could when they were in the sunlight, she wouldn't regard him any differently. The only thing that would change would be that it would be easier for her to kiss them all if she could see their starting and ending points.
"It… upsets me that you think so little of yourself," she said. "'Monster'. I hate that word. It doesn't describe you at all. Nothing about you," she said, shaking her head again as she dropped her gaze to his hand once more.
"But… But it does describe the person who made you think that," she said quietly. "She… It's her fault that you see yourself as anything but how… wonderful you really are. Beautiful." Bella swallowed a lump forming in her throat and let out a bitter, soft chuckle as she let her thoughts stray back to the imagery in the woods, the sights before she witnessed the ways in which Maria wounded Jasper both physically, mentally, and emotionally.
"But you still wanted her…" She took her hand away from Jasper's so she could hide it and her own scar in her lap, ashamed of the differences he said he liked so much. Differences that made her unlike Maria. Differences that kept him from ever kissing her in such a manner, touching her in such a feverish way, driven by nothing by passion that was evident even to an onlooker as she had been. "You wanted someone that would hurt you like that, who did hurt you like that," she said.
"If you want to hear that you're a monster, Jasper, then you shouldn't be with me right now. Because you'll never hear that. Not from me," she said, twisting her fingers in her lap wither other hand. She was so afraid to look at him. If she did, she feared she would let him in to just how badly she was hurting at the moment to think about what she'd seen.
There were several times that he wanted to interject when Bella spoke, however he kept his mouth shut for the duration and just let her speak. He couldn't agree with her about how she believed 'monster' didn't describe him. He'd done so many horrible things in his life, he couldn't see himself as anything bu ta monster. He could understand what she was saying, though, even if he didn't agree with it. It was the same as how he felt when she demeaned her appearance or thought ill of herself in some way, shape or form. He didn't like that, either.
So how would they solve that? Even by not calling himself a monster, he'd still believe he was one. And no matter how sincere he was when he told her she was beautiful, would she ever believe him? It seemed like a never ending cycle, and it also seemed very unfair.
When she went on to talk about Maria, Jasper just looked down. There was no excusing his actions with her, and nothing he could say or do to take it all back. There was nothing that could make that right, and he contemplated not saying anything at all. It was only because Bella said that Jasper wanted Maria that he addressed the issue. She had it all wrong in her assumption, though he could understand why she'd view it the way she did. Whatever she'd seen that day in the woods, it'd been enough for her to assume that Jasper had wanted to be with Maria.
But she'd also witnessed him pulling away from her, hadn't she? He supposed the damage had been done, and that was reasonable. But things just didn't add up. Why would she have come out looking for him when she was with Jacob? Why was she here with him now? There were just so many unanswered questions. He supposed addressing the Maria issue would be the first.
"It's not like that," he said quietly. "I didn't want her." He ran his free hand through his damp hair, the curls having already begun to spiral into blonde ringlets. "I just didn't think I had anything left to lose. I didn't think it mattered. I don't know how to explain it.. I.. I just.. wanted to feel something. I needed to feel something, anything. Any emotion at all, and she was there. I didn't want to be numb anymore. You know that I function through my emotions and I.. I couldn't feel anything. After I saw you that night, I don't know what happened. I feel like my heart became a prisoner, confined behind a stone wall. Maybe my body did it to protect itself because it knew my heart couldn't take being broken again. I don't know. Even now, I can't feel anything. I know that I love you, and I know that that will never change. But I can't feel what you're feeling, or anyone else around me. I don't even feel my own emotions. It's just blank. I just feel like I'm lost."
Jasper leaned his head back, letting it fall against the back of the swing as he looked up at the sky. "I didn't want Maria. I don't want her. I thought I'd feel something when she touched me. I even hoped for it, that I'd feel disgusted, shame, anger, even lust. But there was nothing. I couldn't even get upset about not feeling anything because I was so numb. But when I thought you didn't want me anymore, I just quit caring."
It was meant to be easier once they got this conversation underway. But when Jasper spoke about Maria, it hurt Bella so badly that she couldn't bring herself to even lift her eyes. When he said the word 'lust', she clenched her teeth and closed her eyes. At least if he couldn't feel anything, he wouldn't be able to feel how hurt she was to listen to him say such a thing, even if there had been an explanation to precede the word.
How would she ever get those images out of her head? The way he touched her, kissed her… it was like his life depended on her. In a way, it had depended on her as he'd said he was using Maria to feel something, whatever feeling that was. How could Bella cope with the fact that Maria had been a use for his emotion seeking? She had wanted to do that. She had wanted to be the one to help him.
"But… I don't understand why you would ever think I didn't want you," she said quietly, turning her eyes back to him in hopes to understand this. That had been the thing that she really didn't grasp. Somewhere, she had messed up. Somehow, she'd failed at the only goal she set out to accomplish without a doubt – letting Jasper know how much that she loved him. Never letting him feel like he was unwanted, especially by her. Bella really thought she was doing her part in such a thing, but from the way things had turned out, especially from what he was saying to her now, it didn't seem that way.
"When… When you didn't come back from hunting that day, I worried about you. I called and when Rose answered and told me to stay away… I knew something was wrong. I drove to the house and it was like…" she stopped, swallowing again. She would not cry. She would not allow herself to cry. If he couldn't feel emotions then Bella didn't deserve to either.
"It was like you didn't even see me there. I felt so…" She paused, shaking her head before trying again. "
I didn't want to intrude on you. I felt like I shouldn't have been there. The way you were… apologizing to Alice," she said, almost choking on the name. "It was all my fault." Her eyes were wet now and again, she had to pull her gaze away from Jasper. For as hard as she was really trying to hold back tears, they were becoming inevitable as the scenes she spoke of replayed so vividly in her mind.
"I… I never meant to make you forget about… about.."
This was harder than she thought. Bella was falling apart before she could even get out what she wanted to say, before she could even get some insight as to why he felt as if she didn't want him anymore. "I never stopped wanting you, Jasper," she sniffed. "But I wasn't going to ask you to feel the same. Not after I saw you… And… And Rosalie made it clear that I had been so stupid to think…"
Shaking her head again, she didn't finish anymore about that particular memory. The pain she'd seen him in – that had actually hurt worse than seeing him with Maria. Jasper was hurting then and that in turn, hurt Bella.
"I just thought… you'd made up your mind. You didn't want to see me anymore. It had been days and I… I didn't hear from you. I wasn't about to blame you, Jasper. It… I… would have understood," she said, glancing back over at him. "But then Esme came over and said that you hadn't been home and…" She paused to shrug. "I had to find you. It didn't matter if you didn't love me anymore. I… I still loved you. I wasn't going to stop looking for you until I found you. It took me a few days but… but then I did and I saw you with...her," she said. She didn't need to go into anymore detail with that. Both of them knew what had happened there.
"You can't think I didn't still love you, Jasper," she said, almost pleading with him as she met his eyes with her tear-filled lashes.
There was very little he could say. Jasper did not intend on defending his actions. There was nothing redeeming about what he'd done. The only thing he could try to do was explain his state of mind, which might help her to understand why he did the things he did. It didn't make him right, it didn't make the situations any easier to swallow, but it was truly all he could do since he couldn't go back in time and take it all back. There were missing pieces in her story, details which were vital in his decision making that Jasper felt Bella needed to hear. If after hearing them, she still felt that way, then they'd figure something else out. But she at least deserved to know everything.
Talking about Alice wasn't something he'd done with anyone since her death. The only time he had, was when he'd broken down at the cemetery. Even saying her name was a struggle, but for Bella, he would get through it. He had to. She deserved to know the truth. The way she'd interpreted his break down at the house was not for the reason she thought.
"I didn't realize what I was going to be walking into when I came back from hunting that day. Rosalie.. She.. she laid out.. Alice's wedding dress for me to find." The only reason he was able to talk about this was because he was still so numb. When I saw the dress, I realized what I'd done. I'd forgotten about her. I wasn't thinking about Alice at all. How did I get to that point?" That was a rhetorical question, so he quietly moved on.
"I never meant to do that and you certainly did not make me do it. I.. I didn't know how to balance everything that I was feeling. I know that's hard to believe; emotions are what I usually understand the best, even better than words. But I couldn't figure out how to grieve for Alice and love you at the same time. It didn't seem right that I was so happy, when I should have been devastated. I just didn't know how to balance everything. I made myself believe it had to be all or nothing. And I chose to be happy and love you, and I stopped thinking about her. It was.. horrible of me, to do that to Alice. When I saw the dress, I remembered. I remembered everything I'd repressed and it was too much for me. I broke down. I was begging Alice to forgive me for forgetting about her. I did her and my relationship with her a huge disservice by forgetting."
Jasper turned towards Bella and very gently took her face in his hands. Her skin felt a little flushed, which he assumed was because she was tearing up. He felt terrible about that. He'd caused these feelings. He wanted very much to make things right.
"You were right when you said it seemed like I didn't know you were there. I was completely unaware of everything. I didn't even realize how much time had passed until I came out of it and was informed that three days had gone by." He swallowed, feeling a lump in his throat. It burned, but he had to keep it together. "When I found out what Rosalie did, I was furious. It was one thing to subject me to such a thing, but you.." he shook his head. "I had to get to you. I had to see you, to apologize and beg for your forgiveness.
"When I realized you didn't want me anymore, I had no reason to stay. There was nothing left for me to do but leave. I'd ruined everything, hurt everyone I loved." He lightly brushed her tears away with his fingers. "I.. turned to Maria in order to try to feel something again, because by that point I was so worn down by my numbness I'd grown desperate. Not only that, I felt like I deserved her punishment. I knew she didn't care about me, even when she was telling me she wanted to be with me. I knew she didn't care, and I knew she'd probably hurt me. I welcomed that pain. I deserved it after what I did to you - accident or not." His wrist was still recovering from that incident, actually. It had cleared up for the most part, but the mark it left was still trying to heal itself. It wasn't angry or red anymore, but it was very tender.
"I didn't know what to think, Bella," he said. "I'm not proud of that. I don't like admitting that I wasn't sure if you still loved me or not. I rely so heavily on my power for that, because I can't understand why you'd love me. Being unable to feel anything made me unsure. I'm sorry about that. It's not your fault, it's entirely mine. ...And Rosalie's. But not yours."
Bella listened to his explanations. When he told her the reasoning behind the breakdown he'd had that day, Bella nodded quietly. She didn't want Jasper to feel badly for mourning his wife. She didn't ever want to feel as if that were something he was unable to do on account of her newfound significance in his life.
One thing that stuck out to her was when he revealed that Rosalie had been the one to lay out the dress. It hadn't just been something that Jasper did on his own, but rather, he was set up for it. That, despite how she tried not to dwell on it now, made Bella angry.
She always knew Rosalie was cruel and it was no secret that the twin hated Bella, but the brunette really didn't understand the depths of her cruelty. Surely Rose knew that such an action would have an effect on her brother and yet, that hadn't stopped her. It was one thing to say something to her about how much she disapproved of the relationship that Bella had with Jasper, but it was completely another to hurt her by way of Jasper. That was exactly what Rosalie had done. She hated their relationship, hated Bella, and the way to get that disliking out was to be cruel to Jasper in the process by doing something that she knew would have a strong, negative impact on him.
Bella would never forget that and though she wasn't close to Rose to begin with, this would be something that she didn't know if she would be able to forgive. Those feelings would be kept to herself, however. She didn't know how Jasper felt about his sister or what she'd done and she didn't want to have a negative influence on him either way.
"Jasper," she started, holding her hands over the ones he'd had resting on her face. "You aren't to blame," she said and it was the truth. "You didn't do anything wrong. I'm… I hate what Rosalie did, but I'm not sorry that you had the reaction that you did. I… I guess I did the same thing," she said, taking his hands away from her face so she could hold both of them in front of her. Her eyes glanced down at them as she tried to explain. "I forgot too," she said, feeling guilty as she admitted it. "I pushed aside all the memories I had of what happened in Volterra and just to forget about the negative parts. But… in doing so, I forgot about the rest. You… don't understand," she said, blinking to keep back a fresh wave of tears. If she was going to explain what she was talking about, then Jasper would need to know what happened before, the fall of that year.
"After my birthday party, everything changed," she said. She was careful not to say more about that, knowing how he still felt about the incident even though it wasn't his fault by any means and she didn't hold him responsible. "Edward…" she said, pausing to swallow. "Edward told me that I… that I hadn't been what he wanted, that… that I wasn't good for him. He didn't offer me any other explanation aside from that he… didn't feel the same about me anymore. I don't know if… he ever really did," she said, tears coming now whether or not she attempted to keep them at bay. "That was what I wondered anyway. When he just… left me there."
She had to continue or she didn't know if she would be able to. This was getting the all of the cards out on the table. This was getting to their mutual understanding about everything. It had to be done.
"That was the last thing, the last… I remember from him," she said. "When… when we were in Italy… I never had the chance to even speak to him. Not before…" There was no need to finish that part; they both knew what happened. "So the memories I had that were the strongest were the most negative ones. It was just easier for me to push those away and try to forget about them because they weren't good," she explained.
"But your memories of Alice had been nothing but good ones," she said. "I'm sure before she left that you… told her how much you loved her. And… And she did the same," she said. She couldn't be upset about that, but somehow Bella felt she was in any case. She attributed to the fact that she was just feeling a lot of different emotions at once. In truth, she was glad that Alice and Jasper said goodbye to one another, even if they didn't think it would be quite so permanent. She still had to make the point of her story. "Anyway," she said. "That's why I wasn't… affected the same way you were. And I don't blame you for that."
There was something else that needed to be addressed. "I don't know why you keep saying I didn't want you, Jasper. Did… What did I do to make you think that?" she asked, truly needed to understand so she would never make the same mistake. "Was it because I left the house? Because I didn't contact you? I thought… I thought you just needed the space after that day. I didn't want… you to think I was trying to change the way you felt about your memories. I didn't want to be there when you wanted to be alone."
This was the conversation they should have had weeks and weeks ago, at the start of everything. They should've addressed what happened in Volterra long ago, but maybe it was better that this wasn't coming out until now. They'd been able to take the time to get close, they'd fallen in love, and with that bond between them it might make it easier to get through this difficult time in their lives. Jasper couldn't even imagine what it had been like for Bella while she was in Italy. He knew only by the feelings he'd felt from her as she told the story in the cemetery, and that day he'd been so on edge with his own emotions that he hadn't been able to take in all of hers. Now that he'd shut himself off, he was still having a hard time with feeling what she felt, but he was trying.
"I know that your time in Volterra is not something you find easy to talk about. I don't want to make you speak of it, unless it's something you would do willingly. But... there are just so many things you don't know, Bella. I don't think what Edward did was right, in lying to you about how he felt. I know what he did, and he did it to protect you. I just.. There were other ways. I told him I'd go, that I'd stay away. Alice and I could go live somewhere else for a few years. He didn't want to listen to that, though. He blamed himself for so much. I can't explain why he did what he did. I just know that if I didn't speak on his behalf and tell you that he never stopped loving you, then I wouldn't be honoring his memory."
Jasper did not try to stop her tears. Even though she might not have wanted to cry, he knew that by keeping that emotion in, she'd be doing no favors to herself. She needed to get it out, no matter how raw it left her in the end. Otherwise she couldn't heal.
"I fought with her," he said after a pause. "We fought over her decision to go back to Forks. Alice felt like she had to go see for herself what was going on, and I told her I didn't want her to go. I know, that.. that sounds terrible. It was nothing against you. I've never.. I never was opposed to having you around, or being with Edward. It wasn't that. It was just that Edward made us promise not to have any sort of contact, and I was afraid of the repercussions. I already felt so responsible for everything. I didn't want us going back to Forks to make it worse. But she was so stubborn about it, and.. well obviously she went. I kissed her goodbye, but.. If I'd known.. I.." he didn't finish. Going down that road would just send him into an emotional downward spiral that he wasn't sure he'd recover from, stone wall or not.
"I just.. can't help but wonder if she didn't know what was going to happen. I don't think she saw her fate when she went to Forks, but.. On the plane, when she called. Something just sounded.." He shook his head, frowning as thought of her words. "She was so adamant for me not to follow. And when she told me she loved me, her voice.. I just wonder.. if she knew. If she saw what they were going to do and that was why she told me to stay. If she knew, then Edward would've known by reading her thoughts. They were protecting us. It's irrelevant now, I suppose. I've just had that thought in my head for a long time."
Jasper kept hold of her hands, closing his eyes for a moment. He could see her wrapped up in Jacob's arms again, and it wasn't something he wanted to see. He opened his eyes quickly and looked out at the view again, to try to wipe the imagery away.
"When I came to your house after I recovered from my break down, I just needed to see you. Like I said, I hurried to your house to ask for forgiveness for my absence. But when I got there, your window was closed. I thought it was a sign that you were shutting me out for what I did. I couldn't blame you for that. I messed up badly, and you had every right to close me out of your life. But while I was standing outside your house, I heard that ridiculous movie.. I thought maybe there was still a chance you wanted me, that you'd forgive me. I could feel this rush of relief and calm, happiness. I wanted it to be for me. I looked through your living room window and I saw you. I saw you in Jacob's arms." His frown deepened. "I just thought you'd made your choice. And something happened. I'd expected that my heart would break all over again, but it didn't. Some sort of defense mechanism has sealed my heart in stone, or at least that's how it feels. I don't feel like myself at all."
He closed his eyes again, this time only seeing darkness. "All I know is that I love you, and I want to be with you. And I keep telling myself that as long as I hold onto that as tightly as I can, that it'll be okay. We'll be okay. Being here, alone with you, I'm starting to believe it."
It didn't make it any easier to hear it, but Jasper seemed to have a point. If it was true that Alice had seen something when en route to Italy that changed the course of action to one that was far more gruesome than anticipated, then Edward would have known as well. They were protecting them. It could have been the truth and it was certainly a feasible one at that. But at the same time, if Edward knew… why wouldn't he tell her that he loved her at least? Why wouldn't he let her know? He had seen how clingy she had been to him, how obvious it was that she still loved her fully with her heart despite their absence from one another. He knew.
But Bella didn't. Even if Jasper told her now that his brother loved her, it wasn't the same as Edward reassuring him himself when she needed that more than anything. It was exactly what prevented her from having any closure. That was so heartbreaking to comprehend, even now. If he'd just told her… It would have made such a world of difference as far as the coping process for Bella was concerned.
When Jasper launched his explanation, suddenly everything made sense. His worries, his fears of why she didn't want him now had an origin. It was one that was wrong, to be sure, but now Bella could understand and see where such concerns had come from. If that was the case, then she would know what to say to fix it. And considering Jasper was wrong in assuming things from what he saw, there was a lot to be fixed. She waited until he was finished completely before she spoke. She had been eager to explain it all to him, but didn't dare interrupt. When she had the opportunity to speak, she started at the beginning.
"Oh Jasper…" she whispered, awed by misconceptions he'd taken away with him when in reality, the truth was so far from what he thought. "I closed the curtains because I knew you wouldn't be there. If… If it wasn't you, I didn't want anyone else to be there. I didn't want to see anyone else, even if they were there. I didn't think you were coming back. There wasn't a need to keep the window open," she said, finishing addressing that issue first.
Then it was onto the more important ones. Jake. Everything that had happened that he'd seen with Jake was wrong. Or rather, it had actually happened, but it was all taken out of context. "I… I missed you so much," she started. "I know it wasn't helping to take away any pain from being away from you, but it… I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't stop thinking about you. I was literally counting the minutes that passed that I hadn't seen you, the seconds even. I tried to do anything I could to feel closer to you. That's why I was watching that movie," she explained. "It was stupid… I know, but… I clung to it. Anything that reminded me of you was something I wanted.
"I hardly even remember Jacob coming over. I couldn't feel anything except hurt and… loneliness. It was worse when he made a joke about that stupid Scarlett," she said. "It reminded me of you so much and that day we'd watched it together that I just… lost it. Jacob was there. He tried to comfort me and because I couldn't stand the pain of missing you so much, I was comforted by his presence," she admitted. "Just for a second, I didn't feel quite so lonely. It wasn't you. But it was something that I could accept if there was no hope of you being the one to be there instead. I guess Jake read my gratitude the wrong way. He-"
She stopped, not wanting to go into how the other boy had belittled her and her relationship not only with Jasper, but with Edward as well. What Jacob had said wasn't important. What she said was.
"Well. I told him that I didn't feel the same way about him, that… I never would. I told him that I loved you and despite how you thought of me, that would never change." She held one of Jasper's hands between her own. "I meant every word of that, Jasper," she said. "I don't think you heard that." She hoped he didn't for what his reaction was to follow. If he heard it and still left, it would have meant that her words didn't mean anything to him. Bella wanted to believe they did.
Leaning down, she brought his hand to her lips and kissed it reverently. "You were right," she said. "I did make a choice. But I was choosing you." She kissed his hand again then pushed up the sleeve of his shirt a bit to kiss his wrist. "I want you to believe it will all be okay," she said touching upon what he'd said last. She had confidence now. It stemmed from what else he'd said – he loved her. He loved her. That was enough to cement more of the pieces of her heart back together again.
"How can I get you to feel again?" she asked, kissing his wrist another time. "How can I get you to feel how much I feel for you right now?"
Jasper truly hadn't known what he was expecting her to say. He didn't feel she had to explain herself, or why things ended up the way they did on her end. He thought she'd been reacting to his mistakes and doing the best she could to move on. It hadn't hurt any less, but he understood. Or at least, he thought he'd understood. When Bella informed him of the truth, rather than allowing his misconceptions to continue, he was stunned. It was both a relief, and a slap in the face - the slap being administered by his own hand, not hers. She was the relief. Knowing that she didn't have feelings for Jacob, and that she still was in love with him and not the wolf was an incredibly relief. The slap in the face was for his own stupidity. If he'd waited another minute or two before taking off, if he'd just waited until he could've talked to her alone, so much pain could have been avoided.
He was so sorry for jumping to incorrect conclusions. though. He was again responsible for her pain and that was just another thing to add to his hate for himself. It was done, though. Things had fallen into place, and they were together now. Nothing else mattered, and he needed to make sure he remembered that. He couldn't change the things he'd done, or how he'd acted. All he could do was reassure her that he loved her, and that she was who he wanted to be with for as long as she'd allow it. She was his world, and that world was being rebuilt again - much stronger, more durable this time, he hoped. If they could come away from all of this with an even more solid relationship, then maybe all the pain and trauma was worth it. He still wouldn't wish it on her, nor would he want to go through it again, but he would be thankful for the strength added to their bond. He would be resolved in that nothing could tear them apart again. Not Jacob, not Maria, not his thirst. Nothing.
Jasper watched her as she took his hand and held it between hers. He didn't deserve her at all. Bella was so kind to him, almost painfully so. Her lips were so soft and warm against his frigid skin. He closed his eyes and sighed softly, opening them half way as she kissed his hand again. He saw her pushing his sleeve up and turned away from the sight of his mangled wrist. He was even more ashamed of that scar than he'd ever been before. When he felt her lips against his scar, he tensed for a fraction of a second, then relaxed immediately. Her question was a good one. He did not know what would make him feel again. But he knew that if anyone could do it, it was Bella.
He lifted his eyes to meet hers, then very gently brushed her cheek with the fingers of his free hand. "Coming here with you has helped. Just being with you, it means everything," he said quietly. His eyes scanned her face before settling back into her gaze.
"Belle, I love you so much. I'm so sorry, for everything."
The way he pulled his gaze away when she paid attention to his scar was not lost on Bella. It hurt her to think of the memory in which she'd actually witnessed that scar being emphasized by such a vicious monster, but it hurt even worse to see how ashamed he was of it. Despite the hurt though, came determination. Bella would somehow – no matter how it took – make him realized how beautiful he was in every single sense of the word. It wouldn't be easy. That much was for sure for how lowly he spoke of himself and how he couldn't even bear to look at his skin for the majority of the time. But it didn't matter – Bella would do it. She would paint him better pictures than the ones Maria had drawn for him. Hers would be full of light and positivism, of beauty and most importantly, of truth. Maria's had all been deceptive and negative, anything but what they should have been for someone deserved better as Jasper did.
The pieces of her heart that started to mend slowly back together made a significant leap when he told her he loved her. She wondered if, truly, he had any idea how that felt to her. Since he was struggling with emotions still, she figured he didn't. At least, he wouldn't just then. Bella was confident that these feelings wouldn't waver. Love was a powerful thing; perhaps more than she gave it credit for. It could take hurt and heartache and exterminate them no matter how deeply rooted they may have been. She had been so sure that her heart was far too broken too many times to be able to fix itself again. But Jasper was doing that. He was fixing it.
Before he could continue to apologize, she leaned forward to put a stop to his words with a kiss. "I love you too, Jasper," she whispered against his mouth.
That was both her way of accepting his apology for the things that happened and giving him one of her own which he deserved just as much. Love, whenever his heart would melt enough to be able to allow for feeling again, would be the only thing he felt coming from Bella. It could take a minute or a hundred years and it would make no difference – nothing was going to change this. Nothing would change the fact that she loved him with every fiber of her being and would continue to do so no matter what things were thrown at them.
She moved a hand to the back of his neck, gently scratching her fingernails against the nape of it, tickled by the nearly-dried curls. Kissing his forehead, she then leaned her own against it, nose to nose with him. She didn't say anything else for the moment. Instead, Bella was taking full comfort in this moment knowing that from then on out, there was only one way to go. Up from rock bottom.
And they would do it together.
Author's Note: As we said, a LOT of talking in this chapter but every bit of it was very important. We threw in some fun stuff too, so it wasn't all emotional! The next handful of chapters bring about a very important step in Jasper and Bella's relationship. And trust us, it's a good thing. Lots for lots of fun and happy stuff coming up! And something else many of you have been waiting for. :) So stay tuned! We are going to begin posting chapters once we get more reviews for the previous ones so please, make sure if you enjoy the story, you let us know! Not only does it tell us your thoughts (which we love) but it will help us get the next chapters up sooner! Cheers
Special thanks: To our dear friend Chrissi (starnosy), who was so incredibly sweet to make a beautiful graphic based on our story (which you can see in our profile where we put a link), we posted this chapter early. Thank you so much, Chrissi. Your artwork is so lovely and we're so honored that you were inspired by our story. We're still squealing! :D
Lyrics: Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol