Face to face
my lovely foe
Mouth to mouth
raining heaven's blows
Hand on heart
tic tac toe
Under the stars
naked as we flow ;;
This was what a vacation was supposed to be. After their serious discussion, in which they'd talked out a lot of their concerns and sorted out the issues they'd been having that drove them apart before, things mellowed out. The original intent of coming out here was to get away until they figured things out, but even after they'd done so, they were reluctant to leave. While they were at the cabin, they could just be Bella and Jasper. There was nothing to pull at them, to try to interfere with or destroy their love. They only had each other, and that was enough. After he'd opened up to her and everything fell into place, Jasper felt his walls starting to come down. They were still there, but had weakened considerably. He was starting to feel things again, and he was afraid that if they left then that would be forced to go away and he'd clam up again. He knew they couldn't stay there forever, but for right now, he just didn't want to go anywhere else.
Cohabiting with Bella was very easy. Jasper was getting a glimpse at what life would be like to live with Bella all the time, and truthfully? He liked what he saw. They'd spent the last two days indulging in each other and what the house had to offer. They watched old movies while curled up together on the couch or under the covers of the bed they'd claimed as theirs. They'd taken several walks together around the property. Carlisle owned a few acres of the surrounding land as well, and they didn't stray far from it. There were even a few times when Jasper helped with the preparation of her meals. Of course with that, he'd needed her guidance because he didn't know where anything was, but it was something else for them to do together. Jasper wasn't going to pass up any opportunity to spend time with her.
Everything seemed so much lighter. The mood, the atmosphere, even the weather. Now that they'd gotten through to each other about everything and reminded each other of their love, everything just got a lot easier. It was what Jasper had been waiting for. He wasn't existing in survival mode anymore. It suddenly wasn't so hard to face every new day; it wasn't so hard to get out of bed and breathe every morning. All Jasper had to do was think of Bella, and everything became so easy. He loved that. She was such a positive force in his life, as was their love for each other. He never wanted to be away from her again, though he'd had to go hunt that morning. Jasper had gone very early in the morning, however, so that most of his time gone she'd be asleep. When he came back, his eyes were a brilliant shade of gold, indicating he'd satiated his thirst. Jasper took a shower after returning in order to wash of the mud, dirt, and any blood left over. Once he was finished, they'd spent the morning cooking her breakfast and curled up together on the couch to watch an old movie.
Throughout the movie, things got a little playful between them. He'd figured out where she was ticklish and on occasion he'd tease her by lightly poking at those ticklish places. It was amusing, and he didn't want to stop. Their playfulness had resulted to them playing with each other through the first floor of the house. Once they were out on the deck, Jasper wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close.
"Gotcha," he said with a grin, then kissed her and laughed after he pulled back. "That was pretty easy."
Jasper was not the only one who liked what he saw when he was given insight as to what living together would be like. Bella too, was growing ever fonder of the idea. The first day they'd been there, she had a small glimpse into things as she thought about how nice it felt to be putting clothes away next to his. But back then, she'd forced herself not to think too much into it. That had been before they sat down and sorted through their issues. It had not been an easy thing – neither of them would claim that it had been. The time leading up to this trip had been even more filled with difficulties. But Bella was convinced that if they didn't go through such hardships, they wouldn't be able to appreciate things the way they were now quite as much as they were.
It was even better when Bella neglected to think about when they'd gotten there and wherever they were going to leave. She was indulging in living in the present, living with Jasper. Little things that normally wouldn't have held such significance to her suddenly did. How many times did she cook meals for herself or for Charlie? She never even thought about it anymore for how habitual it had become. But when she would make things with Jasper, she had such a newfound appreciation for the task. Even though he couldn't join her in eating, he seemed so determined to be able to help out in whatever way he could with the preparation. It was endearing to see the little line that creased his forehead when he was looking in one of the cookbooks Esme had stowed away or when he watch watching as Bella showed him the different ways of cutting up vegetables. She liked the way it felt to be able to feel like she could teach him something.
This particular morning had been no different than the last two they'd had together. The only thing that varied was that when Bella opened her eyes, she was met with a different shade of his. Her favorite shade. He told her the night before that he would be doing some hunting in the morning, letting her know if case she would have woken to find him gone, but Bella had slept through the duration of his absence. Here, in this secluded cabin in the woods, she didn't mind being alone. Of course she preferred the time to be spent with Jasper, but when he had to separate from her, it was easier to endure. There was nothing to fear where they were, no lingering threat that lurked around any corners. There were no newborns or bitter vampires or angsting werewolves. Few people even knew where they were which made it all the more exciting to be tucked away as a couple.
And they truly were a couple. It became increasingly more obvious even more as they continued to spend time with one another. It seemed like ever since they'd reunited and cleared the air after their discussion, that touches and kisses were a little longer, just a little bit more frequent, and they laughed a little more. Now was a prime example as she ran from him onto the deck. Of course he always caught her, but that wasn't the point. The point was that there was no point. They were simply having fun with one another.
"Yes well I imagine that's where the super speed comes in handy," she teased him. "But you know what?" she asked, leaning closer to him as if she were about to give him another kiss. Just before her lips touched his however, Bella wriggled out of his arms and dashed away, seeking shelter behind the barrier of the hot tub that occupied one corner of the deck.
"For a human, I think I do pretty well," she finished with a cheeky grin.
Jasper always had to be mindful of what he was doing with her. It had been something he was particularly careful about when they first started to get close. He was always aware about how much pressure he put on her hand when he held it, how tightly his arms wrapped around her when they embraced, how long he would kiss her before he knew she would need oxygen. He was careful never to pin her down, or to put himself in a place where he would not be able to resist the temptation of being the predator to her prey. Most importantly? He had been careful not to let her know he was being so cautious. He knew how Bella hated to think of herself as breakable and vulnerable. Though she had to know to at least some degree that he was being cautious, it wasn't something that he broadcasted or made overly obvious when they were together - which was all the time, now.
It was also nice to be able to relax around her enough to be playful with her. This was a side of Jasper that not many got to see. Normally when he was around people, all they saw was an aloof, even cold looking young man who was intimidating, tragically beautiful, and completely unapproachable. He'd never given himself the chance to care about that, though, because he was always too busy trying to drown out the sounds of heartbeats and breathe without feeling the fiery burn of his thirst. He'd always been trying so hard just to keep it together that he couldn't focus on anything else, like being friendly or letting his natural charisma shine. But he was used to being around Bella now. Her heartbeat didn't pound in his ears the way it used to, and her scent didn't make him want to envision ways to kill her. It was different because he loved her so much.
Jasper was able to play with her, to relax and just enjoy being with her. He was still careful when it came to his strength, but it wasn't something he had to think about nearly as much as he once did. His caution came naturally for him now, just as everything else did that concerned Bella. Everything was so effortless. Certainly there were still complications. He was a vampire, she was a human. But those weren't complications that they didn't already know about before they got close. They just managed to get around them as best they could, and it was working.
He pulled her against him and grinned as she talked about his inhuman speed. He was drawn in just as she intended as she teased him with hints of another kiss. Her methods worked on him, enough that he'd loosened his hold enough for her to wiggle free from him. Jasper laughed, though he was a bit disappointed he'd missed out on a kiss. He watched as she scampered behind the hot tub for a hiding place and chuckled. He played along, stalking around the side of the structure.
"I'll give you that, though I wonder why you run when you know I'll just catch you."
It was a good thing that Jasper had an idea of how sensitive Bella could be about certain elements of their relationship. The fact that she was 'breakable' was her least favorite difference between the two of them. She hated being looked at as being a fragile object that always had to be guarded and protected rather than what she really was – just a girl who was in love. It was like the kids who collected those special dolls and action figures only to keep them in display boxes and never play with them. That had been so far from the child that Bella had been; she never understood why you would have a toy but not play with it. That's what they had had made for wasn't it?
She kind of fell into that category of misunderstanding with Jasper. They were in love. Why wouldn't they show it? Bella never hesitated to hold onto him as tightly as she could even though he couldn't do the same in the identical respect. It made it clear that he was the toy she wanted to play with, not just keep locked up in a glass case. It meant incredibly much to her that he kept his concerns for her safety at bay. Bella wasn't naïve enough to think that he didn't have worries about hurting her. But he hardly ever said anything and the way he acted so carefree with her made her feel like she was so much more than just a safety hazard. It was much easier to love someone when they weren't constantly reminding you that they could kill you with one flick of the wrist.
It was a shame that not more many people got to see this side of Jasper. He was so different than what she knew most people thought of him. Bella was even more aware of it because, at first, she had been the very same way upon seeing him. He was so stoic all the time, intimidating and yet drop-dead gorgeous. But that wasn't what Jasper was. He was so much more than just a frosty exterior. He was the epitome of heart and feeling. There were so many things that made him react in the way he usually did when in the presence with others – his need to keep his blood lust at bay was easily the biggest. It wasn't an explanation that he could exactly give to account for his distant demeanor. But those who mattered knew the truth and Bella was lucky enough to be considered one of them.
As he stalked toward her, she continued moving around the fixture to keep it between them at all times. It was harder to do considering she wanted to watch him and needed to watch where she was going at the same time.
"Because," she said, lifting an eyebrow at him. "I know how much you like to chase me."
Her words were a little meaningful considering his nature, but she was keeping up with the playful tone. "Besides. You're an old man. You really should be thanking me for keeping you on your toes s much," she pointed out with a grin as she continued to move around the tub.
Though they had basically accomplished what they intended to by leaving Forks, Jasper felt they deserved this time to themselves. Why should they solve their problems, then go right back to the place where they originated and potentially could spawn more? He knew that when they eventually did go back, they'd be facing new obstacles and the same dangers that hadn't been taken care of would be lurking, but that wasn't what this time together was about. They'd gotten through something rough and devastating. They should be able to enjoy each other and have time to make up for what they lost while they were apart. Maybe that was selfish, but Jasper didn't care. He never claimed to be selfless.
He didn't see how what they were doing could be considered selfish, though. Anyone who saw them could see they were in love, and simply showing it to one another. There were countless other couples everywhere who were allowed to do exactly what they were doing now anytime they wanted. It wasn't fairthat the two of them had to run away in order to engage in what should be normal and expected behavior of two people in love. The situation they were in was probably unlike anyone else, but that didn't mean that they couldn't love each other freely, and indulge in their feelings, did it?
Jasper paused when she called him an old man. "Pardon? Old?" He asked, scoffing.
He couldn't help but to laugh, though. That was true. By human standards he was beyondold. He wasn't as ancient as Carlisle, but he had lived probably the span of two human lifetimes. It was difficult to keep up the banter when he was laughing, but he tried. "I like to think of myself more as a vintage wine. I get better with age," he said, chuckling as he moved around the side of the hot tub a little quicker. He didn't move too fast yet, though, as he didn't want her to trip or anything.
"You do keep me on my toes, though. Perhaps I should show you just how active you've allowed me to become?" He snickered and in the blink of an eye, he'd darted around the tub and snatched her up into his arms. "Pretty quick on my toes, aren't I?"
Jasper held her up off the deck, cradling her against his body. There was a mischievous glint in his golden eyes, however. "You know, we haven't tested this to make sure it's still in working condition."
Keeping her balanced with one arm, he lifted the covering off with ease and flipped the switch. The jets sprang to life as soon as he did, and he held Bella over the water.
"I'm just a bit concerned with the temperature... What do you think?" He asked, wiggling his eyebrows, and then promptly dropping her into the water.
He knew, of course, that the hot tub was in working condition. Carlisle had said so on the phone when they'd spoken about the house. He just wanted to play with her, to get more of a rise out of her.
It wasn't fair that they couldn't be themselves like this when they were back in Forks. The worst part about it was that people who should have been more supportive than others – friends, family – were some of those that were causing problems. Rosalie and Jake, of course, were the frontrunners in those who should have had nothing but kind things to say on account of people they loved finding solace in one another and beginning to heal form horrible ghosts in the past.
But perhaps since they'd struggled with acceptance of others, it only made the bond that the two of them shared even stronger. This trip alone was a testament to that once they'd worked out the reasons that drove them to run away from the rest of the world. More than ever, Bella felt connected with Jasper on a deeper level. Her heart would back that up considering how much it started to heal just since they'd arrived at the cabin. Playing around with him now was another crucial part in slicking the pieces together and imprinting them permanently. This was the part of the healing process that she preferred over the serious, tear-filled talks and explanations of past behavior. Misconceptions and fallacies were important to be fixed, but just as important was laughter.
The two of them certainly had a lot of that now. She didn't even have a second to blink before the predator finally caught his prey. "It seems like I'm doing my job then." She said in regard to how fast he was in capturing her in his arms.
She linked her arms around his neck and opened her mouth to say something else before he spoke about the hot tub. There was a mischievous glint in his golden eyes and she caught a smile that read more into his joking nature than anything else.
"You wouldn't," she said with a warning tone, tightening her arms around his neck as he feigned innocence and curiosity as to the state of the water in the hot tub.
But he did. In another blink, Bella was in the warm, bubbling pool. She squealed, despite the fact that the temperature was not at all cold and in fact, felt nice in the cooler mid-afternoon mountain air.
Her dress clung to her and she had to take a second to get her bearings enough to stand on her feet, but once she did, Bella fixed Jasper with a look. "You're in trouble," she said, trying to be firm and serious but failing considering a smile was begging to be unleashed on her lips.
Moving to the side of the tub, she reached for him until she could twist her fingers around the fabric of his shirt. She pulled, knowing that if he wanted to, he could easily resist, but not caring either way.
"Get in here, Whitlock."
Jasper couldn't help but grin at her. He knew he was going a little far with actually tossing her into the water rather than just faking her out and setting her back down. That would have been too predictable, though. She would've probably been expecting him to just set her back down. But it was all in good fun, he hoped, and it seemed Bella felt that way, too. He was still having a hard time feeling her emotions, but he couldn't see any real anger on her expression after she surfaced out of the water. She looked irritated, but in a playful way.
When he actually took a moment to look at her in her soaked state, he made a point to look her over again. The way her dress had formed to her body, Jasper was able to see every curve and angle of her slender frame. He'd seen her in form fitting attire before, and even touched her bare skin while kissing her. But this was very different. He didn't know if it was the water, or what. It just had a stronger effect on him. Though he was staring for what seemed like a long time to him, was probably actually only a second or two for Bella. Desire cracked its way through the stone barrier around his heart; he wasn't sure if she felt it or not, but he certainly did.
His eyes dropped to her hand as she closed her fingers around his shirt and pulled. Indeed, he could have easily pulled back and out of her grasp, but why would he want to do that? There was no way he could resist her when she was pulling him towards her. Jasper could tell it was going to be difficult for him to maintain the playful atmosphere they'd created when there was such a strong undertone of desire. He could only offer a smirk when she demanded he get into the water with her.
Jasper did get in, though. He moved as she pulled, and in one fluid motion he'd climbed into the water. He could immediately feel his pajama bottoms clinging to his legs, but he didn't care. The hot water was especially warm on his icy skin. Jasper couldn't warm himself up naturally, but with the constant heat in the water, it would combat the cold he usually gave off.
"Better?" He asked, tilting his head. "Of course now I can just catch you again," he said, and slid his arms slowly around her waist.
Bella could feel something coming from him. As they spent more time together after they'd had their serious talk, she had been hoping to feel some of his emotions again. She was going to keep to her word that she would do everything she could to help him get back to learning how to feel again. When they were laughing so much and playing around with one another, she thought she had an inkling of something. He certainly had seemedlike he was feeling some sort of light-hearted emotion as their time at the cabin progressed.
But this particular something wasn't exactly light-hearted. It was…different. However, it was recognizable. The reason for that was because Bella had felt it many times when she was with Jasper. The most recent time had been when he just looked at her before he joined her in the tub and though it had only lasted a few seconds, she witnessed the way his eyes moved over her. That look was more than enough to ignite sparks of desire of her own. Those wouldn't be helped any further when he stepped into the water and was greeted with the gentle waves from the jets and bubbles lapping against his waist. Her eyes watched the color of his t-shirt darken around the hem as a result. It was the littlest thing to take note of, but it was captivating to Bella.
When he pulled her against his, the fingers she had around his shirt flattened and her palm pressed against his chest. Her body was quick to follow, however, and when she slid both of her hands to his shoulders she noticed more of his shirt discolored by the water. Now Jasper wouldn't be the only one feeling desire. As result of her briefly being pressed to him, his shirt was wet from touching her own clothes and the fabric clung to his skin. Her eyes lingered on his chest for a moment, even when her hands pushed against his shoulders to persuade him to walk backwards a couple of steps until his waist hit the edge of the tub. By then, Bella's eyes flickered upward to meet his and there they would remain as she put pressure against the tops of his shoulders near either side of his neck to coax him to sit on one of the underwater benches.
That put them on the same level. When she continued to approach him, stepping between his knees, the brunette leaned in dangerously close to his mouth before speaking, changing the tone from a playful one to something of a more serious one.
"I think you already did."
This was not the first time Jasper had felt this sort of intense desire for Bella. He'd felt it when they'd laid in her bed, kissing deeply and touching each other in intimate, tempting ways. They'd been locked in passionate kisses, allowing their hands to roam each other's bodies and venturing into territory previously unexplored by their fingers. Jasper had been very tempted to press onward that day, even though he was fairly certain if he did, her bed would not have lived to see another day. There was another moment, when they were kissing at their carousel and things got very heated between them. Bella had ventured out with her tongue, licking his lip. It had ignited so much passion within him, Jasper had barely been able to resist. It was only his intense concern for her safety that kept him from progressing things further that day. What would stop him today? He'd always relied on his emotions for answers. Now that he couldn't, how would he know when to stop?
It was difficult to think about those things right now. Not when Bella was was guiding him downward into the water. He felt the hot liquid spreading all around him, soaking his shirt. It clung to his defined chest and stomach, just as his pants had done to his legs. He realized very quickly that he'd changed the nature of this game with his actions, by putting Bella in here and then following her. The roles had switched. Suddenly he felt more like the prey. It was an interesting switch, to say the least, and he was enjoying himself quite a bit.
As Bella's hands laid against his shoulders, he let his own slide from her waist to rest on her hips. He could feel her hip bones beneath the soaked dress, and squeezed gently as he looked into her eyes. She moved towards him and he pulled her in by the hips, never once losing sight of her gaze. He parted his lips slightly as she started to lean in, and sucked in a sharp breath as she spoke.
"And what's my reward this time?" He asked in a low whisper.
His golden eyes had darkened a little, but it had nothing to do with his thirst. Jasper brushed his lips against hers, an icy puff of air brushing against her heated skin.
Yes, they'd had moments similar to this one before when it seemed more difficult to put a halt to more intense kisses and braver touches. But Bella was always mindful after two occasions. The first had been that day when she touched her tongue to his lips at the fairgrounds. She could still remember the way he tensed against her touch and how he pulled away to explain, causing her so much embarrassment that the threat of melting on account of the blush on her cheeks was something that Bella thought she was going to have to resort herself to. That had been enough to teach her that she needed to be more mindful of her actions before giving into them. She didn't want to put either of them in that position again where he had felt guilty and she felt ashamed.
The second occasion that had an impact on Bella's actions afterward was the scene she'd witnessed between Jasper and Maria. It had been so unlike anything that the two of them engaged in. The vivid imagery was still burned into her mind and she could see it clearly if she allowed herself a moment to remember it. She had been trying to avoid doing so at all costs, but whenever she wondered what she could and couldn't do, she acknowledged the sad truth that she would never be able to touch him like Maria did. She would neverbe able to kiss him the way she wanted to as Maria had. And he would never do the same in return. That was a hard fact to swallow.
But an even more difficult thing was to allow these memories to keep her from wanting to progress further with him. When she was caught up in a moment with him, Bella was thinking of little else besides how it felt to be close to his body and subject to his kisses. That's what seemed to be happening now when his hands spanned her hips and pulled her closer to him. His theory about her being the predator and he being the prey would have elicited amusement on Bella's part, but it would have made sense on some level. Who ever would have thought? When he touched his lips to hers in an icy breath, she exhaled a warm one against his and added the smallest bit of pressure in a kiss before responding.
"You tell me."
By saying things like that, Bella was going to make it extremely hard for him to stop. Jasper closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against hers. The desire was even more intense now, as his had mingled and meshed with hers. This was a true test of his control. There was a part of him that wanted very much to turn her over and rip her dress off and give in to his desires. That part of him was growing ever more present with each intimate exchange of words and gestures they shared. He knew he couldn't go through with that.
But why not?
Why shouldn't they give in to their indulgences and share one another? Why shouldn't he give her his body to go along with his heart and soul? Shouldn't she have it? Wasn't it rightfully hers?
Yes, it was. But there were several factors keeping him from going through with that particular act. First was her comfort level and her safety. Jasper knew that there was a terrible risk he could hurt her, and he also knew he sometimes got a little aggressive with his passion in that regard. He couldn't get aggressive with her, not if he didn't want to rip her apart. Jasper was intense by nature, and that applied to his passion as well.
He pulled her down against him, into his lap. One arm held her in place, locked firmly around her back. His other hand slid down over her hip to her thigh, running all the way to her knee, then back up. As he journeyed his hand back up her thigh towards her hip, he raked up the skirt of her dress with it in order to keep his hands on her skin. He pulled her closer, bringing their hips together firmly. Jasper let out another puff of cold air, though this one was accompanied by a soft sound.
Jasper opened his eyes to meet hers again, but quickly closed them as he kissed her. He pressed his lips firmly to hers, deeply rooted with the passion he felt for her. He wanted her so much, and it showed in everything from the way he was touching and kissing her, to how his own body reacted to having her against him in such a way.
"I still don't want the moose," he whispered against her lips. Jasper kissed her again, even deeper, if one could imagine that. He knew he had to be careful, no matter how much he wanted to let loose and take her right there. He knew that was just instinct talking, not the Jasper that loved her.
"Kiss me," he murmured, but took the liberty to instigate his kiss first.
There were plenty of reasons 'why not'. They both knew that. As much as Bella hated being looked at as being a fragile, breakable thing, she knew that such was the very reason they hadn't pushed the boundaries of intimacy further than they had before. But how breakable was she? It was extremely difficult for her to see how Jasper would hurt her. She, of course, understood how easily he could by means of his strength, but Bella had so much faith in him. She knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he wouldn't allow himself to actually hurt her. He could maintain his control before that happen. Bella was confident in that.
She certainly didn't make it any easier for him though. It was such an increasingly harder task to remind herself to not push him too far. But in truth, if she could know that he wouldn't want her to stop and was sure that he would be able to endure it, Bella would have asked him to take her right there and then without a second more wasted.
Still being truthful, she didn't know if she would be able to prevent herself from doing that very thing soon enough. Especially when he pulled her into his lap. It was like Bella's body knew exactly what to do in response to his. Her thighs parted to rest on either side of his and her elbows settled on his shoulders so she could weave her fingers through his hair, dampening some of the curls. She was aware of his hand moving her dress and couldn't contain a gasp when Jasper pulled her hips against his. When he kissed her, he stole her breath away, but it was not enough to keep her from returning the kiss with the same passion he was giving into.
The way he sounded, the way his tone was darker, when he spoke his command for her to kiss him caused a chill up Bella's spine. It had nothing to do with the temperature either. In actuality, she felt warmer than usual when they touched each other. The water caused his skin to blend with the temperature of her own. As they kissed, her hands left his hair. One of them traced down his arm, following it until it reached the hand he had on her hip. Her fingers pressed his against her body where he had them resting and at the same time, she used the pressure to push her hips against his again. Her other hand snaked down his other side to slip beneath his shirt. Dipping beneath the fabric, she tugged the garment upward a few inches so her fingers could splay against his abdomen.
"Our skin feels the same," she uttered against his mouth in a breathy whisper. Her hands pressed against him more firmly as if to emphasize this point.
If Jasper had known the amount of faith Bella had in him, he would have scoffed. It would not be intended to insult her, but he just had such impossibly high standards for himself, and he still had not forgiven himself for lunging at her. He wasn't sure he ever would, truly, no matter what she said about there being nothing to forgive. He did not trust himself, but he did trust in his love for her. He knew that it was strong enough to keep him from biting her, or at least, he hoped it was. There were no guarantees; one could only fight nature for so long. It seemed he was winning that fight right now, though. He just hoped he could continue to do so.
He had, of course, thought about what it would be like should Bella be turned. Long ago Alice had said she'd seen the change happen, but everything had been different back then. The circumstances had all changed. He wouldn't allow himself to think of it much, for he felt incredibly selfish in doing so even if she once had made the decision that she wanted it to happen. But when he did think about it, he imagined what it would be like to clutch her tightly, to kiss her fully, to give her all of him without harming her, to finally not feel like a cold statue to her when she curled up in his arms. But those were all selfish reasons, and thus, he kept them in the back of his mind most of the time. He loved her as she was; he loved her warmth, he loved how soft she was, he loved the sound of her heart beat, and her human scent. He loved how endearing she was. He'd fallen in love with her as a human, he was attracted to her as a human. He would be happy with her as a human, for the course of her life. And he would engage in these intimate exchanges with her as a human, for as long as she desired him.
He certainly desired her. His hand continued to slide over her bare thigh, dangerously close to treading into completely uncharted territory. He continued to kiss her until she spoke, his breath coming in gasps. However unnecessary oxygen might have been for him, he breathed anyway, intoxicated by her scent. He could hear her heart pounding and he could practically feel the rush of blood coursing through her veins. As her hand found its way beneath his shirt and she pressed his against her body, he could also feel the similiarities in their skin. Jasper opened his golden eyes just barely, enough to look at her.
"I love you," he whispered, his lips parted and ready to kiss her again. "God, Belle... I desire you so much."
He clutched her to him, feeling a jolt of pleasure and desire rush through him; the thin barrier of her undergarment and his pajama bottoms being all that stopped him from giving her all of himself. He knew he couldn't have her that night, though. Jasper, though he would not have objected to engaging in premarital relations, could not bring himself to satiate their desires that night. Not while his heart was still encased in stone. He had to be able to give her everything at once; body, soul, and heart. Otherwise he'd never be able to forgive himself.
Bella would not have thought it was selfish of him to want her to be immortal for those reasons. She too wanted to be able to engage with him in giving freely of one another and if she were like him, it would be possible. When she was depressed and it didn't seem like there was any bright light in her future, she wanted her days to end so much sooner. She didn't want to live eternally anymore if it meant it was an eternity filled with pain and heartache and little else.
But now the thought had crossed her mind again so many times. Jasper was to blame for such a change, a reverting back to her original wishes to be changed. Maybe, though, her reasons would have been considered selfish as well. If she were like him, she would literally never have to leave his side. There would be no need for sleeping or eating or other such activities that drove a wedge between their time spent together that was awake and alert. She would be able to kiss him however she wanted, touch him however she desired. There were be no repercussions save for pleasurable ones. There would be no more fear about breaking boundaries because there would no longer be any boundaries to break. It was a wonderful thought and one that Bella continued to frequent during their stay at the cabin.
She couldn't think about anything now that wasn't Jasper's body though. Even someone who was prone to doubting, Bella would have had a hard time doing so with the way she could feel exactly how his body reacted to hers. When he spoke the words aloud though in addition… Bella felt as if she were on fire. It was very hard to keep still in his arms, especially when her hips liked the way his felt against them and continued to move in order to make their presence known. The fact that their separating garments were thin to begin with made things more difficult, but since the fabric was soaked through, it was damn near impossible to think straight.
Bella didn't speak verbally to respond to him. Instead, she let her body show it. She spoke an 'I love you' in the way she crushed her lips to his, igniting a kiss that would leave her breathless sooner rather than later. Her body spoke an 'I desire you' in the way both of her hands moved beneath his shirt. Her fingers ran upward over the defined muscles in his chest, taking the fabric with them. She needed more of that skin. Encouraged by his words, both unspoken and not, she pulled at the shirt with speed that was impressive for a human, willing it to come off completely.
Jasper hoped that this was a step in the right direction towards finding himself again. Feeling any sort of emotion at all from her and himself surely had to mean something. The fact that it was desire that he was feeling was a big deal. They were no stranger to it, but they were in a much more intimate setting, in a very different set of circumstances. There was no chance that Charlie would come home, or one of his family members might show up, or Jacob would come over. It was just the two of them, engaging in what should have been considered normal to any other couple as deeply involved as they were.
He kept his arm around her back, holding her against him. He did not want her to drift off due to the water. The last thing he wanted was to part from her. His body needed hers; it was aching for hers, quite literally. Having her able to feel that was something that probably would have embarrassed him, but since his emotional state was so out of synch, he did not feel it at all. All he knew was that he wanted her, and he wanted her now.
But Jasper would not make love to her that night. He couldn't do it in this state of emotion. He needed to be able to love and feel love completely before he'd do that. That didn't mean he wasn't going to touch her, though, as was evident by how he had been doing so just before. Jasper squeezed her thigh gently, then slid his hand out from under her dress. He trailed it lightly over the curve of her hip and of her waist. He kissed her deeply, until she was in dire need of air.
He let her pull upward on his shirt. The clouds had made the sky very overcast, so he did not try to fight her. His scars would not be visible, which made him a little more confident. Her fingers over his stomach had made him close his eyes again. He chuckled just barely as she pulled on his shirt, though he did not try to stop her from pulling it off of him. The wet garment lay on th deck, already forgotten.
Jasper's breathing was a bit ragged, even though air intake was completely unnecessary. He kissed her again, and slid his hand around from her side to lightly cup her breast. He squeezed gently, hoping she wouldn't mind.
Being able to feel how aroused he was wasn't something that Bella thought should have embarrassed him. She could be sure that she was just as pulled in by desire. It was just much more physically enabled to remain hidden unlike Jasper's state was. If anything, her cheeks should have been blushing a deep shade.
But that was the strange thing. He cheeks were certainly pink, but the slightly off-coloring had nothing to do with embarrassment. She felt none. If asked prior to this, Bella would have predicted that she would be rather awkward and shy in such an intimate situation. Nervous, to say the very least. But instead, she wasn't thinking about any of those things. Jasper might have been struggling with his ability to feel, but it seemed like that was all Bella could do. Feeling was driving her actions. Desire and utter want was keeping her from feeling any apprehension. It was all such a rush that she couldn't be bothered to consider any worries or fears.
That wouldn't last much longer though. Because she was so focused on how things felt, his touches were having a significantly pleasurable effect on her. Despite the fact that the hot water in the bubbling tub made his skin warmer to the touch, his fingers still felt chilled when they moved over her breast. It caused her to suck in a breath and exhale it a moment later in a quiet groan when he squeezed the small mound of flesh. Her back arched ever so slightly and she pressed against him, trapping her hands against his now bare torso.
Lack of thinking soon became apparent when Bella returned his kiss. Her lips parted and again she let out a quiet sound. But as she did, her teeth grazed his lower lip and she bit down on the smooth surface without a second thought.
A moment was all it took though for Bella to register what she'd just done and she immediately pulled back, eyes opening to reveal a worried, frightened gaze. She took a step too far. It had been bad enough when their kissing needed to be stopped before when her tongue touched his lip, and thus, Bella knew that biting him was definitely against the rules.
She crawled off of him and hastily stepped backwards until her back hit the edge of the other side of the hot tub. "I'm sorry," she uttered frantically. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just… wasn't- I got caught up in- I'm sorry," she apologized again.
She didn't want this to end badly. She feared so much that she ruined everything that led up to this moment because of her own stupid lapse in judgment. She was not allowed to kiss him so forcefully. She was not allowed to ever be so bold. After that day at their carousel in such a similar situation, she'd vowed to herself that she would never make that mistake again.
And yet… she did. She could almost see everything happening before any of it actually did. She could see his face turn to one of pain. She could see him start to feel guilty. It was exactly what happened last time and yet again, Bella broke a promise to herself that she would never put him in such a position again.
"Please don't be upset, Jas," she begged him.
If there was one thing in the world he could wish for and be granted, it would've been to be warm for her. Jasper had voiced that to her once before, a long time ago when she asked him what he missed the most about being human. He would've given anything to be able to be warm for her in that moment. Maybe the chill had a pleasurable effect on her, but he still felt certain that soft, warm hands would have felt better than cold marble that was temporarily heated by the water.
That couldn't happen, though, so Jasper had to work with what he was given. His touch was very gentle and unassuming. Though he had a tendency to be aggressive, he could also be very sensitive and tender. He did not want to frighten Bella, or make her feel she had to engage in anything she didn't want to do. However, it seemed his actions were welcomed. The way she pressed against him and was touching him had made him almost painfully aroused, and his body was craving her attention. He would be patient, though. He wanted to touch her first. He thought that would be the better way to approach the situation. He was nervous too, but he knew she had to be even more because of her inexperience. This was new territory for him too, though. He had never touched Bella specifically, not in this way. Nor had he ever touched a human in such an intimate way. Not even during his human life.
He continued to kiss her as his hand lightly massaged her breast, becoming very acquainted with the tender mound of flesh over the soaked fabric of her dress. Jasper was about to start unzipping it all together, when he felt her teeth nip at his lip. His eyes opened and before he could actually respond Bella had recoiled. She put a few feet of distance between them, retreating to the opposite side of the tub. It shocked him, that she'd reacted almost as if she was afraid of him and what he'd do. He knew it was more that she was afraid she'd ruined the moment, but he didn't like her feeling fear in any given situation that involved him. Did she think he was going to yell at her? Shun her?
For a brief moment, he just looked at her before he spoke. "I'm not upset. Am I moving too fast? Are you uncomfortable?" He asked softly. Then he very slowly reached his hand out to her. "Come back to me?
He wasn't upset. The images she anticipated never wound up occurring after all. But still, Bella was hesitant. When he asked her to come back to him, she took his hand and acquiesced to his request, but her steps were cautious. She was trying to think of how she could explain her reaction. It had nothing to do with any of the reasons he'd listed in his questions and she didn't want him to think that she was at all uncomfortable.
"It's not that," she said softly. "It's just…"
She really didn't want to have this conversation. Bella hated when she appeared weak, especially in front of Jasper. She always wanted to be strong for him, especially since he needed it in order to get his emotions back to where he needed them. But the fact of the matter was that she was feeling weak as a result of her insecurities and they needed to be addressed even though it was something she didn't want to get into.
"It's just that it's not too much. I'm too comfortable," she explained. "It feels like... it's not enough if anything," she admitted, her cheeks flushing deeper now. "I want you so much, Jasper," she whispered, trailing her free hand down his chest and following it with her eyes. "But... I know that you can't act with me the way you want to. Like… you did with…"
She trailed off there, not wanting to even say the name. While she knew that Jasper desired her from his words, actions, and body language, there had still been a difference in the way he reacted with her in opposition to what she saw of him with Maria. He hasn't hesitated with her at all. She had been able to touch him in ways that Bella wanted to so badly and in the same respect, Jasper had been able to touch her in ways that would have broken Bella's bones in the blink of an eye. To her though, if she were to be hurt, she would rather it be at Jasper's hand in a fit of passion as opposed to any other way.
"I don't know why you would want to be with someone you have to be so careful with," she said, frowning as she traced her fingers back up his chest. "You literally could have anyone."
Jasper was stroking her hair and back as she spoke. Her concerns were understandable, but, he wished she didn't have them. They were unnecessary. He was still holding her hand, and wanting very much to be closer to her. He wished he could take away all of her worries, and just allow her to be happy as much as possible.
When she trailed off, Jasper knew she was talking about his interaction with Maria. Truthfully, if he could've taken it back, he would have before Bella could even blink. But there was no way to do that, and so all they could do was move forward.
"Bella, have you even noticed what your touch does to me? You need to give yourself more credit. I want you, I want to be with you always. And when I touch you? I am touching you the way I want to."
He watched as her fingers started to trail patterns up his chest. It made him shiver slightly, and his need for her started to surface again. "You're being sweet," he said, in reference to her statement about him being able to have anyone he wanted. "But I'm afraid that's untrue. I'm not at all attractive in what would be considered the eyes of a vampire. But beyond that, I only want you. I love you, and I think you're beautiful, Bella."
Jasper let his hand start to trail up and down her side again. He wanted to keep touching her until hopefully one day she realized that he absolutely loved to do so. He leaned in and kissed her cheek.
"I only want you," he repeated in a whisper in her ear. "And I do want you..."
The desire that hung on his every word indicated that now, there was no way they were going to be able to get out of that hot tub without crossing over into territory previously unexplored.
Author's Notes: Little bit of a cliff hanger at the end of this one :) Look out for the next chapter to be up soon to see what happens next in the hot tub! Please, as always, let us know what you thought of this one! Cheers!
Lyrics: Siouxie and the Banshees - Face to Face.