Please you please
mine be mine
forever and all time
this could be heaven
right here on earth ;;
The images in his mind were vivid, so much so that he could see it happening all over again. He could see the perfect arch in Bella's spine as he held her just slightly off the bed. He could see the way her lips remained slightly parted to allow her lungs to take in the oxygen she craved and emit the soft, beautiful sighs from her throat. He could even still hear them, the sighs, moans, soft cries, the beautiful way she gasped his name.
Jasper never wanted the vision of her beautiful body to leave his memory, and fortunately for him he knew that it wouldn't. He would remember the previous night for all eternity. There were moments, however, when he thought he must have been dreaming. Despite the impossibility of it, as he couldn't sleep, he wondered if somehow he'd managed to hallucinate and imagine the entire thing. The only proof he had otherwise, was the warm presence beside him, curled up against his marble body. Bella. His Bella. Her soft, living form had remained very close to him throughout the duration of her slumber and he did not dare move.
She'd fallen asleep shortly after they'd made love and Jasper did not try to stop her from succumbing to it. He knew she'd need it. He would have happily fallen asleep with her if he could have, but since he never slept, he was content to lay with her as he always did at night. He would have loved for her to stay up with him, so they could talk and kiss and gaze at the stars through the large window across from them. But he also loved watching her sleep. He liked to watch her features as she dreamt and listen to her talk as she often did so he could try to guess what she was dreaming about. That night, however, she did not seem to be dreaming. That did not take away from his fascination. Most of the night he gazed at her, only occasionally closing his own eyes to replay their actions in his head. Only when it was morning did he shift a little. He turned over onto his side to face her and very carefully lifted one of his hands to lightly caress her cheek, then trail his finger over her lips.
"Bella.." he just barely breathed out her name as his lips brushed against her forehead. If she wanted to sleep longer, he would of course comply. It was just that he missed her, even though she was right here.
Jasper started to trail a line of kisses down the side of her neck as his hand slid down her shoulder and arm. He brought her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles, but when he turned her hand over to kiss her wrist, he paused. His gold eyes widened and his breath hitched. There were bruises on her forearm. He frowned and examined them more closely. Realization hit him a moment later as he placed his fingers over the bruises; they were the same size. He drew back from her, but only to pull the covers down to see there were several more from where he'd held her. They lined her waist, her hips, her thigh. For a moment, he just stared in shock at what he'd done, but then he moved to cover her back up.
Could he really be shocked? This was exactly what he feared he would do. Granted, it was the least of his worries, but very warranted nonetheless. Jasper sat up, his side of the covers pooling around his waist as he did so, and stared at the wall. He'd spent the whole night thinking he'd been careful, that what they'd done was the most beautiful, intimate exchange between two lovers. What had happened was the equivalent of him beating her up.
Who was he kidding? He was a monster.
Bella never had such a perfect night of sleep. It wasn't just on account of the fact that it was without any threat of bad dreams, but because she was with Jasper. Every night she fell asleep, they were together and it was in his arms, but because of the seriousness of everything that had taken place the evening before, how intimate they'd become, it was all different. Different in the most wonderful way, however. It hadn't been very late in the night when she'd drifted off and thus, she was able to get a good full night of sleep. Not once had she awoken in the middle of the night for whatever reason, nor was she ever cold. She probably would have been had he not pulled the covers around her at some point, but Jasper was always thinking of her best interests. He was always taking care of her so there was no issue with her comfort or warmth.
She was slow to wake in the morning, but she did so when he gently touched her skin with his chilly fingers and cool marble lips against her neck. Her name coming from his mouth was the sweetest sound she could have heard upon waking in the morning. She gave a content sigh, but kept her eyes closed. She wanted to remember waking up like this just as perfectly as she remembered every detail from the night before in their love making. Jasper had always looked beautiful to her – always. Even when she could see each one of his scars in the light, he was just as breathtaking in Bella's eyes. But the night before, he never looked so… captivating in his handsomeness. She loved the way his eyes would close when he groaned or the little line that was between his eyebrows whenever he was concentrating on the rhythm of his hips. His cool, sweet-scented breath still felt like it lingered both against her skin and her still slightly swollen lips. Bella loved that. She loved feeling like even though they had finished making love to one another hours ago, her senses were still heightened and much in tune to Jasper.
But it was for that reason that she soon realized something was definitely wrong. She was smiling as she turned on her side, eyes still closed when she reached for him. But her hand met nothing but the empty sheets, still cold from where his body had been. Opening her eyes, she found that he hadn't left, but rather, was avoiding even looking at her. She would have assumed he was just deep in thought, maybe even just bored from sitting in bed so long while she was slumbering, but the wave of discontent she felt coming from him shocked her. Immediately, she sat up too, tucking the other side of the sheet beneath her arms.
"Jas?" she questioned softly, the concern evident in her voice. Gently, she touched her hand to the middle of his back. "What's wrong?"
How could he have been so careless? Of all things. Jasper was always so careful, more than he was around anyone else. His greatest fear was to cause her harm. One of the lowest points in his life had been after he lunged at her and tried to kill her. Ever since then he had taken extra care to keep his guard up, to always keep himself in check with Bella. Over time, as they grew closer, he'd relaxed a little in that regard. He'd allowed himself to get comfortable in the way he touched her, held her, kissed her. Up until now, it had been all right. He had not tarnished her beautiful skin with bruises or even been tempted to snap his teeth. He could kiss her and hold her at night without too much discomfort in his throat. He had grown to love her, and not just the blood running through her veins. All for what? So he could bruise her while he tried to make love to her, take her virginity and mark her in the process.
He was ashamed.
Yet, how could he think he could do otherwise? Why did he think he would be able to be tender enough to touch her gently? Why did he think he had enough control over himself to hold her without hurting her? What right did he have to engage in this sort of behavior with someone like her? Jasper had always been the weakest link in the Cullen chain. Why should it be any different in every other regard? He'd hurt her, and the proof was all over her skin. If he'd bruised her on the outside, he couldn't even imagine how much he had hurt her on the inside. Just thinking about it made him even more repulsed with himself. How could he have been so selfish?
He heard her stir awake and closed his eyes. He wasn't even sure he could bring himself to look at her after what he'd done. Her warm hand on his back made him shiver just a little bit. Why would she want to touch him after what he did? He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve her at all.
"I'm so sorry, Bella. I'll never do it again, I swear it," he said softly, looking down at his lap. "I know it doesn't make up for what I did, but I didn't mean to. I.. I understand if you're disgusted with me. I'm so, so sorry I hurt you. I can't even ask for forgiveness."
Nothing seemed to make sense. How could Jasper have been so sweet and affectionate before when he was stroking her skin and kissing her to wake her up? Did Bella imagine all of that? Did she manage to start dreaming this late in her sleep? But she had been so sure of her name on his lips and the gentle touches he gave her. How then, could she feel such distress coming from him now? It was the opposite of how he'd been only just a minute or so before. As she was beginning to wake, Bella was quite sure she hadn't felt any sort of negativity coming from him. Otherwise, she would have woken a lot quicker and would not have taken her time with how content she felt. Something must have happened, something to cause a drastic change in the way he was feeling. What it was, Bella didn't know, but there was only one way to find out and that was to get answers from the source.
However, even when he'd started to answer her, Bella didn't feel as if she were any closer to understanding what was actually the matter. He seemed as if he were speaking in riddles – shocking ones at that. Why was he apologizing to her? Nothing made any sense. He hadn't done a single thing wrong. Maybe it was because of the fact that she was still slightly groggy from being freshly awoken, but she couldn't piece together whatever was the matter. Was that it? Was it because he'd woken up her up? That was the only thing she could even think of that he would feel guilty for.
"Jas, I'm glad you woke me up," she assured him, rubbing his back soothingly. "I didn't want to sleep any longer and waste more of the morning without you," she said. And that was the truth. While she had been very comfortable and her rest had been much needed, she still would rather have been awake with him.
"It definitely didn't hurt me," she said, almost amused at the fact that he would think such a thing. Shifting closer to him, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and kissed the side of his neck.
How could they ever come back from this? How could she ever look at him the same way again after what he'd done? Her response was a bit confusing; did she not realize he'd bruised her so horribly? Was she not in pain?
Jasper couldn't read that from her because he couldn't feel others' physical pain. Perhaps he'd hurt her so badly that he'd done some nerve damage and she did not feel it? That didn't seem logical. All he could think of was that Bella was just being Bella. She had a tendency to sacrifice her own comfort for the sake of others. Was she hiding her pain to spare his feelings? Why would she do something like that? The thought of it just made him feel even worse about the entire situation. His guilt was starting to become overwhelming.
"Bella, please," he shut his eyes and covered them with his hand for a moment. He wanted to pull away from her and spare her the trouble of having to pretend with him but didn't have the heart to do so. He didn't really want to pull away. He just didn't want her to have to compromise her happiness or pretend she wasn't hurting for his sake.
"I'm a monster," he said quietly. "What I've done is unforgivable. You don't have to pretend that everything is all right. After what I've done you should be staying as far away from me as possible."
That thought nearly broke his heart. He couldn't imagine staying away from her, nor did he want to think about what it would be like to have to go back to the way things were before. Jasper didn't want to have to simply be her guardian and sit outside her house. He didn't want to go back to being reserved and silent in her presence, with his hands folded behind his back. It was devastating to think of such things, but for her he would do it. Clearly he couldn't be trusted to be intimate with her again. Jasper wasn't even sure he should hold her hand ever again after all of this, or that she'd even want him near her. He wouldn't blame her for it, obviously, as he was encouraging that now.
"I can arrange for someone else to come get you to take you home. I understand if you wouldn't feel comfortable riding in the car with me after what I did to you. I'm just.. so sorry." Jasper dropped both his hands into his lap, a look of utter defeat and sorrow on his face.
None of this made sense to Bella. But because it wasn't making any sense, it scared her.
This wasn't like Jasper. This certainly was not the Jasper that she was with last night. He wasn't the same one who was nothing less than happy from what she could remember as she was drifting off to sleep. Instead, his happiness is what allowed her to fall off into such a peaceful slumber, soothed by his words and the quiet way his voice tickled her ears whenever he started to hum her a quiet tune. It anything would have been wrong, Bella would have picked up on it immediately. Because they were so close, especially with their emotional connection, she always could tell when something wasn't right with him. Last night, everything had been wonderful. Today, his mood was the opposite for certain.
She was beginning to wonder if she'd missed something. He couldn't have been apologizing for waking her up. That had even sounded like a silly explanation the first time Bella considered it. But something was amiss and it must have occurred when Bella hadn't realized it or else she would have had some sort of inkling as to what Jasper was on about. Currently, she was in the dark. But the way he was speaking was beginning to scare her a little.
"Jasper, stop," she said when he started belittling himself.
She might not have known what was wrong, but it didn't matter. He wasn't by any means a monster. The fact that he was referring to himself in such a manner caused Bella's heart to ache. When he continued that it would be an option for her to leave without him, panic began to settle in. If he was talking about leaving her, that she didn't have to be around him, it was serious. Especially if he was considering the fact that it was what she wanted. He was acting as if he expected her to cower in fear in front of him or else, tiptoe around on eggshells. What had caused such a drastic change? What was responsible for this terribly negative thought process?
"I don't know why you're even talking like -"
And then everything clicked.
When she moved her arm to secure it better around his shoulders, her eyes caught sight of something she'd failed to miss until that moment. Her skin, normally pale and unblemished, now sported a very colorful bruise, or at least, the makings of one on her forearm. Suddenly, she had an idea of why he was upset. To confirm, she glanced down to look at the rest of her body. When she peaked inside the sheet, she saw the marks. There weren't many, but there were certainly some and they all were beginning to color. Her hips sported those that were the darkest. She hadn't felt any pain before that. She felt a little bit sore, but that was because he'd just taken her virginity hours before and such was natural. But until she saw the bruises, she wouldn't have known they existed before she stood up. It didn't seem to matter though. He seemed to think that she was completely broken and that he was the one responsible.
"Oh Jasper," she whispered, wrapping her arms back again him again and pulling his back against her chest. She leaned her chin over his shoulder so she could turn to kiss his cheek, nuzzling the side of his face. "I'm fine," she assured him. "You didn't hurt me." Bella kissed his cheek again, then the side of his neck, tightening her arms to try an reassure her. At least, reassure him that she didn't want to be apart from him for lack of anything better.
"You have nothing to apologize for," she said. "You didn't do anything wrong. You did... everything right," she said a smile turning up her lips when she kissed his neck again.
Bella should have been yelling at him. He should have been able to feel her anger, her pain, her disgust towards him. She should have been demanding he leave the room, the property even. She shouldn't be the one with her arms around him, comforting him and reassuring him that everything was all right. He should have been sent away, or at least groveling at her feet for the forgiveness he didn't deserve. There was just something very wrong with this picture. It wasn't fair to her, to have to be the one to try to make him feel better when she was the one who was bruised and broken at his hands.
Jasper was so remorseful for what he'd done to her, and it was evident because of his power. Rather, he was remorseful for how he did it. Jasper couldn't bring himself to be remorseful for making love to her. That had meant everything to him, to be able to share himself with her and for her to share herself with him in such a way. He was so deeply in love with her, more than ever now. That was why this was having such a horrible effect on him. He loved her so, so much, and he'd still managed to hurt her despite his strong desire to always protect her and keep her safe from harm.
Her words barely reached him. This was exactly the reaction he'd expected her to give him, after all. Bella was notorious for this sort of thing; downplaying her pain or discomfort by saying she was just fine. He wanted so much to believe her, that everything was all right. But how could he believe that when she was covered by bruises? Bruises that he caused her. Her kisses and affections were not lost on him, though. He couldn't help but turn into her and return them every so often.
"How can you say that after all the damage I've caused? God, look what I've done to you..." Jasper took one of her hands that was on his shoulder and started to kiss the bruises he'd left on that wrist. "I have everything to apologize for," he said softly, nuzzling her wrist. "I'm so sorry." He turned to face her, and gazed into her eyes. His own were full of sadness. He wanted to touch her, but he was so afraid of himself and what he could do that he refrained from it besides when he'd taken her hand.
"How can you even stand to be in the same room as me?"
"Because I love you," Bella said simply to his last question.
One of the arms she had around his shoulders dropped lower to pull him closer to her around his middle. She wanted him to know that she had no desire whatsoever so be apart from him. She only wanted him to be closer. When she'd fallen asleep the night before, she had felt more deeply connected to Jasper than ever before and Bella imagined that he felt the same. She wasn't about to let that feeling fade for reasons that he needn't worry about.
She felt a little more relieved when he at least turned to face her a little bit and would touch her. It was very gently, as if he feared bruising her again just when he brushed soothing kisses against her wrist. She closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against his after he nuzzled against the skin there. She figured that if she could feel how strongly that he was upset, then surely he would be able to feel just how strongly she was the exact opposite. Bella was worried for certain, but that was only because of the fact that Jasper was beating himself up over this. This was perhaps the lowest she'd ever seen him. A few times before when he'd been talking about his dark past when he was changed into a vampire, he spoke of his low self-worth. But at least then, it didn't involve her directly.
Perhaps, though, it was better that she was here for this, that his self-doubt was caused by something that did involve her. At least then Bella could assure him that there was no need for it, that she didn't think any less of him than she did before. On the contrary, she loved him just a little bit more. It amazed her how every single morning that she woke up, she seemed to love him in greater quantities than when she fell asleep. Each day, she was sure she reached her capacity – her heart was full and it belonged solely to him. But sure enough, each day, she felt just a little bit closer to him. This day had been no different by any means unless one figured in that Bella only loved him even more than on an ordinary morning.
With her arm still around his torso, her other stroked his cheek, leaning in to kiss him softly before speaking. "Jas, I get bruises when I even get dressed the wrong way. I'll still get them even if you were a million miles away. I'm not lying when I tell you that you never hurt me," she assured him, pushing back a stray curl from his forehead and soothingly running her fingers through his hair.
"I don't regret anything. If anything, I kept wishing you'd hold me tighter," she said, rubbing the nape of his neck with her fingertips. "I… it… everything was just… perfect," she breathed, in awe of how wonderful making love with him had been. So much so that it caused her to even stumble over her words when trying to describe it.
"Thank you," she added then, a shy blush touching her cheeks. "For letting me do this with you. For being so patient with me." He would have no idea how much it really meant to her.
She was thanking him? He'd left her covered in bruises after what was supposed to be the most intimate moment in her life and Bella was thanking him? Jasper was even more immersed in his guilt. He lowered his eyes and looked down at his lap again. He wanted to believe her words; he wanted it to be perfect for her. It certainly had been for him. That is, until he realized what he'd done to her throughout. The real slap in the face, was that that he had thought he'd been so careful. He'd tried so hard to be gentle with her, to touch her with so much care and tenderness. All for what? So he could bruise her? What if he'd broken bones?
Jasper couldn't bring himself to believe her words. No matter what she said, despite how convincing she sounded, he just couldn't be convinced. He just hadn't realized how much damage he'd done to her. She'd made no indication that she was in pain, but Jasper did not fault her at all. He was the one who caused the bruises, not her. He was thankful he'd let go of her towards the end when he'd tore the sheets. He did not even want to think about what he could've done to her had he not.
He couldn't believe what she was saying to him, but, there was something that made him a more susceptible to believe her. Her feelings. Jasper had become very in tune with Bella's emotions ever since they became closer to each other. He didn't even have to think about it anymore; he just felt everything she felt. He never manipulated her emotions, because he thought that was far too invasive. It was a part of his power that he wished he could do away with, truly. However, he really was thankful for being able to read her emotions right now. It was because he could feel that she really wasn't upset, that she really did mean what she was saying, that he was able to look up again.
"Please don't thank me," he said softly. "I.. I thought it was perfect, too. I don't want to ruin this for you. I just.. when I saw what I'd done.. I just don't think I can forgive myself for it. Even if you do, Belle."
It didn't seem like Bella was getting her point across as much as she wished she could have. Or at least, even after she'd spoken, she could feel that Jasper was still rather upset. When he admitted that he couldn't forgive himself, her heart felt like it was breaking a little. Bella would rather have him angry with her than angry with himself. She would have preferred to be the one that was responsible, that he cast the blame on. That way, she could fix it. She could try at least by doing whatever she could to gain his forgiveness. But if he was upset with himself and the disappointment lay within, then there was nothing she could do. Jasper would have to realize it on his own time that he didn't do anything wrong.
She was beginning to worry. Perhaps it was selfish to do so, but Bella couldn't help it. What if he never wanted to touch her again? What if he never even wanted to visit with the idea of making love to her after the first time? She wouldn't be able to blame him for that when it had such a negative emotional outcome for him the next day, but at the same time, she couldn't help but to fear that such a thing would come to be true. It had been such an indescribable experience that Bella hated the idea of never being able to engage in it again with the person she loved more than anything. It was like getting the chance to peek inside the presents on Christmas morning, but never actually getting to have any when it was time to unwrap them.
Either way, she would respect his wishes. Even if it was difficult for her, she would do it. That was part of loving someone. She could sacrifice things for his happiness without her own being in danger. As long as Jasper was happy, Bella was happy. She would be content as long as he stopped blaming himself and dwelling in such negativity that didn't reflect the type of person he was by any means. Whatever it took, whether it was simply patience or anything else, Bella would be glad to give it to him and help him through this in anyway she could.
"I'm going to thank you whether you want me to or not," she said softly, but with a firm edge to her voice. He needed to be thanked for that and Bella would thank him every single day for allowing her to be so intimate with him.
"I don't have to do it verbally though if you don't want me to," she said with a smile, tilting her head to kiss his neck again. "I can think of a few other ways that don't involve talking at all."
Jasper could feel that she was starting to get worried and even a bit insecure. He didn't want that for her at all. His reaction was not meant to make her feel as though he did not want to be touching her, or that he had not enjoyed himself throughout their intimate exchange. He didn't want her to feel as though she'd done anything wrong; clearly he was the one at fault. He left the bruises, he'd done the damage. Bella had done nothing but love him and give all of herself to him. He'd done that as well, along with all the markings in addition.
This was not at all how he'd intended this morning to play out. He'd wanted to awaken her gradually, luring her back into consciousness just as he'd done. As soon as her eyes opened, he wanted to pull her into his arms and kiss her properly. He knew she did not necessarily feel at her best in the morning, so if she wanted to shower or anything in that regard he would have waited for her - or joined her, if she'd let him. After feeding her a nice breakfast, he wanted to take her back to bed. What they did subsequently would be up to them. If she wanted a repeat performance of the previous night, that would've been quite all right with him. If she wanted to curl up under the covers together, that was perfectly fine as well. Above all, what he wanted was for her to see that everything had been wonderful, that she was beautiful, and that everything would still be as it was before - they'd just be closer.
All of that was not to be. The moment he saw the bruises, his train of thought had completely derailed. Now that this had been brought to light, it brought up a whole slew of concerns. Should he still touch her? Could he ever make love to her again? Would she even want to? Nevermind that. How could he be sure he wouldn't bruise her just by even touching her again?
Jasper knew he was being a bit extreme. After all, if he stopped to think about things logically, he hadn't bruised her once doing any of the things they'd done together before now. He had not broken any bones or caused her physical harm. Only when he'd lunged at her had he caused her any physical injury, and that wasn't him, it was a glass table.
Bella's warm lips against his neck caused his eyes to flutter closed. No matter how upset he was, her kisses always took the edge off his pain. He felt selfish for finding any sort of solace after what he'd done, especially from her when she should be yelling at him and calling him the monster he believed himself to be. But he knew she was being genuine; he'd felt it from her. Jasper wanted to keep criticizing himself, to be ashamed and apologize again and again to her. But she was being so sincere in how much she didn't blame him, that he was beginning to think maybe he could believe her.
When she spoke of "other ways," of course his mind drifted back to their intimate night. Whether she meant that or not didn't matter. Jasper was always going to recall that memory regardless. The memory was fleeting, though. He brought his hand up to her cheek and lightly brushed his fingertips against her warm skin. The very fingers that had bruised her body. It hurt him to think about, but he'd done this very thing just a moment ago and not hurt her, so he thought maybe it might be okay. Jasper drew her chin up slowly, and leaned in to kiss the opposite cheek. His lips hadn't bruised her, so he reasoned that kisses were okay. He ventured a bit further and lightly kissed her lips, then brought his forehead to hers.
"I love you."
Bella had a different way of envisioning the morning as well, though hers had been very similar to what Jasper had imagined in regard to it being opposite of reality. She thought they'd had the makings of it in the beginning – after all, it all started with her waking up comfortably in his arms. Before he'd seen the bruises, it seemed as if that had been leading into the proper direction. She would have cleaned herself up a little bit afterward, but not bothered with the longer process of a shower. At least not just yet. Breakfast would have happened in a quicker fashion – something easy, cereal. Something that wouldn't take away more time that they could be closer to one another. Meal times were always something that separated the two of them, though Bella was fond of the times when they'd prepare food for her together.
And then it most certainly would have been time to return to bed. Bella had never been a particularly lazy person, but when given the option of doing something active or simply curling up with Jasper in bed, she would always choose the latter. There was no question of that. But since they had taken their relationship to a new level the night before, perhaps they could have the best of both worlds. She was fine with activity in bed. It likely would lead to more rest on her part afterward though, which is where she was disappointed. She hated getting so worn out the night before and not even being able to properly reflect on everything before she was asleep. That was something she vowed to work on, however. She would think of ways, tricks to avoid this. Next time, she wouldn't fall asleep on him so soon.
When he lifted her chin to kiss her, Jasper wouldn't be able to miss the relaxation and contentment that flooded through her upon the sweet contact. Her fears of never being touched by him again, much less kissed or anything on the more intimate side, were lessened when he brushed his mouth against hers. It wasn't a deep kiss by any means; more of just a ghost of a liplock. But it was enough to satisfy Bella. She wouldn't push him either, as much as she wanted to put more pressure on his lips to show him just how greatly she appreciated him. Instead, she would just accept that he felt he needed to exude more caution.
Upon his forehead touching hers and his soft words, she smiled. Eyes closed, she savored them for a moment before responding. "I love you too," she said, rubbing her nose against his before kissing the tip of it. One of her hands moved soothingly up and down his back, tracing over his shoulders and drawing a memory of the night before.
"I think I would have left a lot of marks of my own if I could have," she said with a shy chuckle as she moved her fingers over his skin. She'd been clutching him just as tightly as he was her. There was one point where she distinctly remembered digging her nails into his hip and for only the smallest sliver of a second, worrying that she would hurt it. The fact that such was impossible was not the reason she didn't think on it further, but rather, it was because it was right before she came and was preoccupied with how pleasured she felt.
Her other hand moved to brush his hair back again and she smiled again at the memory it brought. "I'm sorry if I pulled your hair," she said, her cheeks flushing pink with the apology. She had certainly pulled on the curls a bit more than she ever would have intended to. But again, she was not in the proper frame of mind for logical thought.
"Forgive me?" she asked, pressing her lips to his again with just a hint more of the pressure she'd craved.
Jasper lost himself in the kiss. It would have been brief to her, but for him it encompassed a long span of a moment. In that one brush of his lips to hers, he was able to push the pain aside and focus on her, and how much he loved her. As their foreheads came together and she kissed his nose, he did manage a smile. Her affections and how well she was receiving his were very comforting.
He felt her fingers trailing over his back, tracing over scars she couldn't see. His skin was very tender, despite the diamond hardness of his exterior. Jasper was especially sensitive to the warmth of her body. Her nails couldn't harm him, but her feather-like caresses sent shivers down his spine. He subconsciously pulled her closer to him and smirked just a little. He recalled her clutching onto him tightly and trying to dig her nails into his hip. It didn't cause him any pain; thinking on it now he hoped she hadn't chipped any of her nails in doing so. He just remembered feeling a little pressure against that portion of his body right before he saw her reach the brink of ecstasy.
"Those would be marks I'd be proud of," he whispered, and kissed the corner of her mouth.
He smiled again when she apologized for pulling his hair. Yes, she had most definitely done that. The only part of his body that wasn't unbreakable to her would have been his hair. A vampire's hair could be pulled out, cut, styled, or dyed. The change would be permanent, but it could be done. Jasper was surprised his hair had held its curl for so many decades. What surprised him more was how tightly she'd pulled his hair. It hadn't hurt; quite the contrary to pain. It felt incredible. It had fueled him to please her more, to keep going and give her what she needed. Jasper closed his eyes and thought back to how it had felt to have her fingers tangled in his hair. It was enough to shoot jolts of pleasure through his body.
"I suppose," he said, feigning a sigh. in regard to her plea for forgiveness. He grinned playfully shortly after. He was feeling much, much better. Just being close to her, holding her and knowing he wasn't hurting her at the same time was the best feeling way to combat the pain he'd felt before. He'd barely gotten the words out before she was kissing him again. It was a deeper kiss, but only slightly. He could sense that she was testing the waters. He could only assume it was because she knew he was having a hard time with all of this. He didn't want her to feel as though she had to be cautious. He loved her, he wanted her always.
Jasper kissed her, matching her depth and gradually increasing his own the longer he kissed her. He parted from her lips only to allow her to breathe, and when he did so he was immediately kissing her cheek or her jawline. When she'd taken a breath, he returned to kissing her lips again. The hand that had been stroking her cheek had slid its way down her back to lock around her and keep her against him. The only thing separating their bodies was the sheet she'd tucked around her, a thin barrier indeed.
It was nice to be in the stage where Bella didn't have to constantly question whether or not she was dreaming or actually awake for how wonderfully things were going. When Jasper started to react differently, come around and press his lips against hers in a way that let her know he was not going to let what happened to interfere with how things should have carried out that morning, Bella was relieved. She was happy in a way that allowed her to accept that this was reality and that there was no need to contemplate how such beautiful things could be happening to someone like her. Jasper made that easy. He made everything so damn easy.
There were so many factors against them. A lot of them would come into play when they would have to return to Forks. It would be soon for certain, and when they did, reality would smack them in the face. It wasn't as if this trip had not been a realistic experience as well, but it was all positivity. There was nothing negative standing between them after they'd face their demons upon their early days there and talked out everything that separated them prior to their escape. When they returned, however, they would need to address the issue with Victoria, especially since upon their last knowledge of her, Maria was in search of her and her newborn army. That could not have been a good sign, especially considering the way things were left off when Bella interrupted the vicious vampire's wooing of Jasper.
And then, of course, there were the demons that were closer to home. Charlie would be furious when Bella returned. Relieved, but livid. He would ground her for sure and seeing Jasper wouldn't be quite as easy as it would have been normally. At least, beyond the safety of her bedroom at night. And Rosalie was another issue. Jasper was sour with her and Bella was as well to say the very least. They would feel uneasy in both of their homes. Whereas now, they felt perfectly at peace, happy with one another.
Bella was more than happy to return his kiss, wrapping her arms around his neck when he pulled her closer against him. The chill of his skin seeped through the thin sheet, and Bella's body reacted accordingly. One of her hands moved through his hair again, but she was especially careful to keep her fingers moving softly, slowly, to be the opposition to how she'd pulled the curly locks the night before when she was far from a calm state of mind.
"Mm," she murmured when she pulled back slightly. "I will take all forgiveness grants in that form please." She smiled again and kissed his lips then his cheek briefly before pulling him in for a hug.
For a few moments, she did nothing both hold him close to her, breathing in his sweet scent. "I love you," she whispered into his neck, giving him a squeeze.
There was a brief period of time during this mini-vacation that Jasper had contemplated asking Bella to run off with him. They could leave, and Jasper could cover their tracks so carefully that even if Charlie unleashed the FBI they'd never find them. They could find another place exactly like this one and live happily just as they'd been doing while on their vacation. He would find a way to make it work; anything to make Bella happy, for them to be happy together.
That would work, wouldn't it? As Jasper held her, he momentarily believed it. Momentarily.
It was a beautiful moment, full of thoughts about how much he loved her and how happy they could be, without any worries of danger from his kind or anyone trying to come between them and this happiness. But that was just it. They couldn't escape the danger forever. Jasper would always be a danger to her, no matter where they were. Away from Carlisle, who was such a good influence on him in every way, away from Esme, his mother. Away from Emmett, the only one who could hold him back if he did lose control. He couldn't take her away from Charlie, either. Jasper had gone over this scenario before. They might have started out happy, but everything would fall apart. They needed their families. They needed to set everything right again.
It just wasn't the right time, yet. That right time might be tomorrow, but it wasn't that morning. Jasper held her close to him, tracing his fingertips along her spine as she hugged him to her. He nuzzled into her hair and closed his eyes. Running away wouldn't solve anything in the long run, but if she asked him, he'd take her away. He dipped his head to kiss along the length of her shoulder.
"I love you, Belle," he whispered between kisses. Her fingers lightly massaging his scalp as she ran them through his hair felt incredible, sending chills down his spine.
Though he'd completely dismissed the idea of ever engaging in the same behavior they had the night before again, the memory was still very present in his mind. He couldn't help but think about it as he shifted her into his lap and held her against him. Their bare bodies were so close to touching, separated only by the sheet that had twisted around them and between.
"Belle.." he whispered, in a similar tone he'd used with her during the night. He was trying to push aside his desires, but he loved her so much, and being so intimate with her had meant everything to him. Even though he knew they couldn't, he wanted to.
If Jasper would have asked Bella to run off with him while they were away, it would have been nearly impossible for her to turn him down. Especially if he'd asked while they were already on this getaway of theirs at the cabin where the atmosphere was completely different. There were millions of places they could have gone. Just as long as it was a place with infrequent sun and woods areas so that Jasper wouldn't have to hide away all the time and would be able to easily hunt whenever he needed to. The thought was too appealing to even think about – how carefree the two of them would be. Just happy with one another.
Since it was an impossibility considering all the loose ends in Forks, especially with their families at the moment, Bella wouldn't think of it. Instead, she just continued to focus on the present. They were still hundreds of miles away from anyone they knew, safe from everything that threatened to tear them apart. The only thing Bella could find herself at all concerned with was the way his cool lips traced along her shoulder and the manner in which his fingers moved in soothing manners up and down and bare spine. It was his words that gave her shivers rather than the chill of his skin, as they always did when he whispered he loved her.
The sheet separating them slipped slightly when he pulled her around to settle in his lap and Bella made no means to try and stop it or adjust it accordingly. When he said her name again, the chill down her spine instantly turned into fire. The velvet way her pet name melted against his tongue gave her an instant flashback of the night before. She didn't want to push him, especially considering how sensitive he was on account of the bruises on her body that were still fresh. But Jasper couldn't use that seductive low tone with her and expect her not to be flooded instantly with want.
For a moment, she did nothing but meet his eyes. Her gaze had something darker in it, a visible reflection of the desire she felt. He would be able to feel it too and Bella knew, without a doubt, that even though he'd had prior reservations, he had very similar desires as she was experiencing. Leaning forward, she pressed her lips to his, just briefly.
"Kiss me," she whispered against his mouth.
She still feared that if she pushed him too quickly, then he would pull away, worrying about hurting her. But Bella couldn't help but to kiss him again, this time with renewed purpose. When she wrapped her arms around his neck, the sheet that had been tucked beneath them was lost, slipping between their bodies and leaving their skin bare to the touch. Taking advantage, she pressed herself against Jasper. The result caused her to groan softly against his lips.
The sheet fell away into a pool around their waists and Jasper did not try to find it either. It made him happy that she didn't; he wanted her to feel comfortable in her own skin with him. He wasn't with his, but his circumstances were very different. Bella was beautiful, no matter what she thought. He sighed softly as he felt her warm, soft skin pressing against him. Jasper continued to pepper soft kisses against her skin as he caressed her back. Being so close to her neck, he knew her pulse rate had sped up a bit and she was most definitely breathing more erratically. Both of which, while they once would have provoked him to want to kill her, were actually fueling more of his desire.
Jasper could feel her desires as well, flowing through her and growing stronger. He felt he might have prompted them, but he wanted her too. He was afraid of what he could do, but his love for her and his need to be with her were more prominent. He couldn't help but respond physically to her. He started to rub her waist, her hips, and her lower back. His hand trailed down her thighs, then back up as he balanced her on his lap. He wanted her again, even though the thought scared him.
Her request had the tone that was more of a demand. Jasper smirked to himself at the thought. Bella, despite what she might have thought about herself and no matter how insecure she was about her inexperience, was very alluring and seductive without realizing it. She wanted him to kiss her, and he gladly obeyed. Her arms slid around his neck and he felt her pressing tightly up against him. Jasper kissed her passionately, unable to resist her. One hand remained on her hip while the other slid up her back and played with the soft tendrils of hair that spilled down her back.
Her soft groan drew a reply from him and he pulled her closer. Their hips met and Jasper groaned again, his body physically craving hers. It would be no secret that he wanted her now, this just coming from having her in his lap and kissing her. He pulled away from the kiss slowly and held Bella against him again, hiding his face in her hair. He wished so desperately that he could be warm for her, and softer. There was nothing that could change that (nothing he was considering at the moment, anyway), so he had to do the best he could to make sure she was comfortable.
"I want you," he whispered in a low, definite voice. "I want you again, and again, and again." His hand started to trail down her thigh again, though it did not stray far. He raised his head and looked her in the eye then, and his voice lost some of its sensual edge. "But I'm afraid."
Bella loved the way they had such an effect on one another. It was hardly anything that provoked it aside from their natural physical reactions. If she arched her body into his, he responded accordingly. If he moved his hips against hers, Bella did the same. No thought was required. Being close to Jasper was like an involuntary action. It was easier than breathing, than the steady beat of her heart within her chest. It he could alter both of those things so frequently, such was a testament to what a strong effect he had on her just by being in her presence.
She liked the hint of a smirk she caught before he kissed her. There was something sexy about the way his mouth turned up on one side. Jasper was never arrogant at all. It was only when they were playing around with one another and teasing, when the conversation was light and airy that he would even hint at being in any way egotistical and even then, he was always joking. Such was probably after she teased him about being an 'old man' or being slow to get around or something silly. There wasn't much time to memorize that smirk however before he was obliging her wishes and kissing her with all of the passion she'd hope he would have.
When Jasper pulled her against his hips, Bella groaned again and his words ignited sparks of fire that hadn't had time to fully digress since the night before. If his smirk has been sexy, his tone of voice when he initially told her he wanted her didn't have a proper term to describe it. It was seductive and it alone made Bella want to push him back on the bed and act out everything his tone made her dream up. But when his voice changed, her eyes opened to meet his and she pushed her desires aside for the moment in favor of concern. Even worry was hard to possess though when his fingers moved up the soft skin of her thigh. Because Bella loved him though, she needed to reassure him of a few things first.
"I know," she said softly. And she did know – she wasn't going to not acknowledge his fears when they wholly existed. But while she could acknowledge them, she could also try to combat them with words that were also true.
"But I'm not," she said, stroking the back of his neck softly. "I trust you," she assured him.
He would be able to feel that for certain – he would have all morning and the night before when they made love to one another. Her other hand stroked his cheek softly then gently cupped his chin to pull him close for a kiss. She let it linger for a moment, kissed him briefly again, and then opened her eyes to look at him again, leaning her forehead against his.
"Just watch me. Just keep your eyes here," she whispered. That way, he wouldn't let his gaze stray and observe any of her bruises. That might have ignited his fears and his self-loathing and that was the last thing Bella wanted for him.
Jasper could sense her honesty, and that she truly did trust him. It was almost as blatantly apparent as her desires. Perhaps if he had more faith in himself he wouldn't have been so hesitant to give in to his needs. And maybe, if his fears hadn't been proven justified by his actions the previous night, he would have been more likely to not question his control. There were so many maybe's and what if's that were rolling through his mind. It wasn't taking away from his desire; nothing could make him stop wanting her. It was just his mind working against him to try to psyche himself out of being able to go through with it.
Bella, however, knew exactly what to say and how to touch him to calm him down. He kissed her tenderly as she drew him in for it, and lightly stroked her back. Her comforting words and affection did soothe him and lessen his worry. When he pulled back, he gazed at her beautiful face and smiled at her. She told him to look at her face and into her eyes, and that was something he could agree to. However, it would be difficult not to look at the rest of her beautiful form. She was beautiful, and he was very attracted to her. Not looking at all of her, especially if he was making love to her, would be nearly impossible.
Though it wasn't easy to think rationally when he was desiring her so much and wanting very much to act on those desires, Jasper tried to think of ways to alter how he held onto her so that he wouldn't put too much pressure on her body. Bella didn't like to be regarded as fragile, he knew, but truth was that her body could be easily broken by his bare hands. The proof was etched onto her skin already. He came to the conclusion that being positioned as they were now would allow him to put his weight more on the bed, rather than any of it placed on her. He also wouldn't have to balance himself on her, or worry about crushing her hips by pushing too hard. Bella would be able to set the pace and intensity. This was how they'd been positioned in the hot tub. Another rush of desire flooded him as he recalled that moment as well.
It was very ironic that she was the one assuring him and making sure he was comfortable, when he'd just done that very thing for her the first time they were reaching this point. Jasper kissed her gently, and lightly let one of his hands slide over her breast. He did not apply any pressure, but he knew she'd still feel some sort of sensation. He smiled as he pulled back from the kiss. He kept his eyes on hers for now, just as she'd instructed him to do.
"That won't be a problem," he said softly, and started teasing the peak of her breast with his thumb.
His trust in her was one of the greatest gifts he could have given her. Yes, Bella liked the sweet things Jasper said to her. Yes, she liked the way it felt when it kissed her or touched her. But she loved that he put his faith in her. If he didn't trust her, none of this would have happened. Their entire relationship would not have happened. But that worked both ways as well. Bella needed to trust him to and she did – with every single piece of her heart.
Her heart was so strong that it didn't feel like it had even been broken, let alone numerous times. But he was the sole reason it was able to work properly again. Not only that, but he made it incapable of breaking. Jasper might have been able to put bruises on her body – however unintentionally of course – but he would never be able to bruise her heart when he was the one that protected it.
Her lips curled up in a smile when he agreed to keep his gaze on hers. It would have been difficult for her as well, truth be told. Though she could easily get lost in the golden shade of his eyes for hours, when he was this close to her with this much skin exposed, she was so eager to let her vision linger so it could roam over his body. It might have made him self-conscious, but he was so beautiful in Bella's eyes, utterly flawless. That truth stood no matter what light he was in, whether his scars were visible to her human eyes or not – he was still perfect.
Her Jasper.
She could sacrifice not letting her eyes stray though without much trouble. His face was just as beautiful if not more so than the rest of him. That face was what she was kissing now. Every inch of it that her lips could reach, they pressed tiny kisses to. His cheeks, his nose, his forehead, his jawline. Her actions were soft for the moment, slow to ensure that things were not too rushed. She still had a worry that she would scare him off somehow, even though after the night before and the way their morning had gone aside from the bruises, it didn't seem likely Jasper was going anywhere.
But his gentle teasing of her breast was making her cheeks hot and it seemed that with the rush of blood came a surge of confidence. "Good," she whispered, kissing him briefly on the mouth and bringing her hands to rest on his shoulders. Not so much rest as a shove backward against the bed.
It was the exact opposite of her something her fears of scaring him off would allow and certainly the opposite of the soft gestures a moment ago on her part. She stretched out on top of him, following as she pushed his shoulders against the mattress. Her mouth found his again and the kiss she gave him let him in on the secret of her sudden burst of self-assuredness. If that wasn't enough, her hips pushed eagerly against his.
Trust was something that was heavily guarded when it came to someone like Jasper. It had taken him several years to trust the Cullens, and they were amongst some of the kindest of his kind that he'd ever encountered. He hadn't even completely trusted Alice right away. His trust issues stemmed from back when he was with Maria, as did most of all the issues he had with himself and his insecurities. She had betrayed his trust and broken his heart so many times, that trusting others had seemed like an impossibility for him even after he left her.
He'd managed, though. Jasper was able to trust, he was just very cautious in who he gave that trust to. With Bella, he did not even have to think before trusting her anymore. He did not think it wise that she trusted him so implicitly, but Jasper always wanted to do everything he possibly could to honor that trust and keep it safe. Loving her meant everything to him, and being able to feel how much she trusted him really was something he cherished even if he feared it was misplaced. Given what he'd done to her the night before, he was even more convinced of that.
Bella, however, always seemed to know what to do to calm him down and soothe his worries. He certainly wasn't feeling insecure right now. Though he did of course fear that he would hurt her again, or something much worse, he was feeling more confident that they could be intimate again and that he'd be more careful. She certainly seemed to have no reservations. Jasper couldn't feel her inwardly hiding any, either. Clearly she wasn't just doing this for his sake; she wanted it too, and that was why he was able to get over his fears and engage in what he really wanted - to be close to her and give her all of himself all over again.
He closed his eyes as she showered his face with kisses. There was a faint smile on his face, for he loved those kisses. Her lips were so soft and so warm, they felt like they were blazing fiery trails over his skin. He always felt that sensation when she kissed him; it enabled him to feel warmth, which he didn't even realize he'd missed until becoming close with her.
Jasper felt her sudden surge of confidence just before she acted on it. He raised an eyebrow at her as she pushed him down against the bed. Of course, he could've quite easily stayed sitting, but he made no move to fight her at all and complied by letting the force of her pushing him set him back against the bed. He growled playfully as she stretched out over him and kissed him deeply. Jasper returned the kiss enthusiastically, kneading his lips against hers. His hands slid up over her bottom and the curve of her spine. He groaned as her hips came into contact with his again and couldn't help but return the gesture.
"Need you.." he whispered, before kissing her again.
Bella didn't have many issues with trust. There were not many people she grew close to, but that had mainly to do with the fact that she was just a more reserved person and liked to keep to herself most of the time. It didn't have a hidden meaning or any specific reason why trust would be something hard for her to do. Perhaps sometimes she trusted too easily. It didn't come back to haunt her often when she did so because even though she might have given someone the benefit of the doubt, Bella was still capable of being independent and taking care of herself should that trust get betrayed.
She wanted to believe that all people were good at heart. And for the most part, she thought this was a true theory. Of course she had come in contact with more evil that a human her age ever should have, but most of the time it had been on account of the fact that she was mixed up in something of an alternate world. If she did let trust issues stand in her way, she never would have been a part of this alternate world, much less, be involved with Jasper. Edward used to tell her that she shouldn't trust him. It was likely that Jasper felt the same way – he'd voice his concerns before, the most recent time being that morning when he observed the bruises on her body. But one had to weigh the costs and the benefits, and the benefits of being in love with Jasper far outweighed the costs. It wasn't even a question in Bella's mind.
He left her breathless when he returned her kiss. She was conscious enough to keep her tongue in her mouth and her teeth at bay whenever they kissed – though such was a definite struggle on her end whenever the liplocks became as heated as they one they were engaged in now. But that didn't mean that Bella didn't kiss him with all the passion, all the desire that she was feeling. She hardly caught a breath when he pulled his lips away to speak, and even then, it just meant his words were what stole her breath instead of his kiss. He spoke aloud what both of their bodies were already in a well in-depth conversation about and would Bella also would have said out loud if she was capable of breathing right, much less actually speaking. Again the tone of his voice caused her nerves to heighten.
It was safe to assume that Jasper would allow for them to be intimate together again. If Bella had any shadow of a doubt before, even the smallest hint, it was washed away when he pushed his hips back up against hers and kissed her again, never even skipping a beat with the way his lips spoke volumes about what he was feeling. Without these doubts or reservations, Bella moved one of her hands from his shoulder to slide her fingers down his chest and slowly down the flat muscles of his abdomen. When her tiny hand came in contact with his erection, she whimpered softly against his mouth.
For just a moment or so, she stroked him in her palm. But she needed him so badly that she could hardly even keep up with any more foreplay. Detaching her lips from his mouth, she replaced them against his neck and kissed down to his collarbone as she shifted her lower body. Lifting her hips slightly, she positioned herself in order to allow Jasper to enter her, lowering herself around him slowly. She noted she was sore, but it didn't hurt like it had the night before. Groaning softly, she took her hand away when he was fully inside of her, and after a few seconds of adjusting, she started to gently rock her hips.
Jasper stayed down on the bed as she started progressing things. He let out another groan as her hand slid down his body and curled around his erection. She made a sound of her own, and Jasper kissed her deeply after. His arousal had been aching for her attention and now that he had it, he was having a difficult time staying still. His hands were all over her, but he was so careful not to apply any pressure. He was kissing her with all the passion he had in him, and hoped that she was able to feel it.
Her warm hand stroking him felt indescribably good. Jasper could not help but move his hips against her. It did not last for long, and soon he found the warm presence of her fingers gone. He very nearly whined, but instead opened his eyes to look up at Bella as she started shifting around above him. Her lips had strayed down to his neck and collar bone, and he had stilled his hands to remain in place where they were. One was resting on her hip while the other was splayed against her back. Jasper's breath was sporadic. He did not expect her to let him enter her ever again, let alone now.
Slowly, he felt her taking him in and the heat from being inside of her surround him. Jasper tipped his head back and moaned softly. Being one with her was the most incredible feeling; he couldn't possibly put it into words. He savored the feeling of just being inside of her, and when she started to rock her hips, he had to refrain from joining her in moving his hips because he feared he'd hurt her. His hand slid down her body to rest at his sides. Despite trying to keep his hips still while she moved, he couldn't help but raise them to meet her each time she moved.
"Belle..." he barely managed to coherently moan her name.
His fingers fisted the sheets at his sides, clutching at the delicate material. No doubt they would be in shreds before they were finished. He lifted his head and looked at her through half lidded golden eyes. She was so, so beautiful.
"I love you."
It was all he could say before he started to pant softly and grip the sheets tighter. He wanted to be holding her so badly, so much that it almost hurt to not be able to. He just couldn't risk hurting her again.
Bella expected that it would be more difficult for her to be somewhat in charge of this situation. She wasn't expecting to be so confident in it for certain. In reality, she was still very much behind as far as any type of experience was concerned. And yet, it seemed almost… easy. She didn't have to think about what to do so much as simply to feel it. That was simple if she just let her natural urges and wants to take over.
But Bella figured there were other reasons why she wasn't having difficulties. For one thing, she was comfortable with Jasper. She didn't fear that he would make fun of her or something of that nature because she hadn't done this before. The thought of him doing such a thing was laughable. He would never, not being the gentleman that he was. So that was one fear that Bella needn't worry about. But the main reason she was at ease was because she was putting him before herself. She wanted him to feel comfortable to, to not worry so much about what could happen and instead, to just focus on what was happening.
Being on top of him made everything feel so much different. Or perhaps, Bella was still getting used to how good it felt with him inside of her. The fact that it didn't hurt quite so much this time was a definite benefit for the both of them. Every time she moved, she could feel every inch of him and she suspected it had something to do with the different angle. Whatever it was, it felt amazing. She braced herself on her knees as she moved, but still kept her body low so she could feel him beneath her and so that she could lean down to kiss him easily whenever she wanted.
She opened her eyes and look down at him when he moaned her name and as a result, the sight of him with his half-lidded gaze drew a sound from her as well. "I love you too," she mumbled against his mouth, brushing her lips against his before adding, "So much," with another groan.
She would have failed to miss the way he was gripping the sheets if she couldn't fail to notice that his hands weren't on her. Of course she knew the reason. But Bella wanted him to know she trusted him. He already knew she trusted him with her heart; he needed to know she trusted him with her body as well. She reached for one of his hands, softly closing over it and trying to work his fingers loose from the fabric of the sheets. While she was still moving her hips into his, she attempted to weave her fingers with his and draw their hands up by his shoulder. Her other hand did the same to try and work open his other one so she could place it on her hip.
Bella needed to feel Jasper's hands on her. She needed him to know she wanted it. Leaning down, she caught his mouth in a kiss hopefully before he could protest too much. "Trust me," she whispered. "Look here. Just at me," she reminded him.
It was difficult for him to think about much else besides how beautiful she was. Jasper loved to see her show her confidence. Bella was such a beautiful young woman, with all the reason in the world to be confident. She did not realize this, and it made her incredibly humble about almost everything. Jasper loved this about her, but he also loved when he got to see those few moments when she did step out of her shell and project the confidence he knew she had inside of her.
It was also quite breathtaking to see his beautiful love moving on top of him like that. He wanted to touch her, to kiss her everywhere and hold her against him. He wanted so much more than what he felt he was able to give her, and that made him feel a little sad. Though, it wasn't easy to feel sad when he was making love to her, really. The way she was rocking her hips was sending jolts of pleasure through his body all at once. Nothing could take away from how special and intimate their first time was, but Jasper had to admit that this was probably something that was going to get better and better every time. He hadn't expected there to be a second time, but here they were.
He had his Bella, and nothing else mattered.
As Bella reached for his hand, Jasper hesitated to let go of the sheet. It didn't matter if he tore it to pieces or gripped it with all his strength. But Bella, he could really do a considerable amount of damage to her. Even kill her. He trusted her, more than anyone else, but he didn't trust himself, and that was the problem. Jasper let her do as she wished with his hands, but he was so hesitant to move any further with them. The only reason he hadn't drawn them away was because the were in the midst of making love, and he wasn't exactly in a state to fight her right now. Looking into her eyes, he wanted to believe her trust was well-placed. He wanted to think that they would be okay. As they kissed, he tried so hard to believe her. Her words reached him, and he locked eyes with her as his hand steadied her above him and his fingers laced with hers.
Jasper started moving his hips a bit faster against hers, though he continued to let her keep the pace she wanted. "Just.. you.. Belle.." he whispered between raspy breaths.
Bella was happy when he let her move his hands without much out a fight at all. It was another way of letting her know that he was putting his trust in her when she asked him to. There were so many things that happened in Jasper's past to compromise his trust. They were all valid reasons too, in Bella's opinion. Maria was the blame for nearly all of them and considering that she had been Jasper's first love, that was difficult to come back from as far as being able to trust others.
But he could be assured that Bella would never betray that trust. She would never use the way he felt about her to do any harm to him. Instead, she just would be sure to continue doing everything she could to make him certain that her feelings for him were nothing but genuine. And they always would be. They were so deeply connected now on a multitude of levels. She might not have had confidence in herself always (a shame, since he appeared to like it), but she had all the confidence in the world about her relationship with Jasper. This spontaneous vacation for the two of them only solidified that. Such wouldn't have been possible with the hardships that led them to hide away from the rest of the world.
Just having his hands on her was encouraging for Bella. She loved the way it felt when his cool fingers were against her warm skin and the way that their hands fit together so perfectly wasn't lost on her, even now when she was in the throes of ecstasy. And she was. Though she would have liked for this to last so much longer, it was an impossibility considering the way they were moving with one another. He was letting her be the one to determine the pace, but Bella was losing herself in it. The movements of her hips against his became quicker and more purposeful as her muscles started to tighten. Her hand pushed his down into the mattress and she squeezed his fingers tightly as she cried out, eyes closing when she reached her climax. It was nothing short of incredible. Bella arched her back slightly as she rode of the waves of pleasure that overtook her.
"Jasper," she gasped, unable to keep from holding his hand so tightly until she finished. When she did, she all but collapsed against him, but made sure not to interfere with him getting off by continuing to move her hips accordingly.
Jasper could barely hold on to his sanity while she moved on top of him. He was so close to reaching the peak of his pleasure that it was difficult not to give into it. But he wanted more than anything for her to enjoy it, for her to reach that point with him, or just before. He knew it was building within her because he'd come to learn how she felt just before she reached the brink of ecstasy. He did not use his power to manipulate her into feeling the way she did, but he did use it to heighten what was already there in order to allow her to feel it for as long as possible.
He felt her starting to tighten around him, the heat from being inside her surrounding him and wrapping around him as well. Jasper moaned and held her against him. He took care not to squeeze her hand, though he wanted to. He wanted to clutch onto her while his own climax ripped through him but instead he just kept his hand steady on her hip while she rode out her own orgasm. His caused his hips to jerk up against hers a few times as he spilled his release into her.
A long time ago Emmett had taken it upon himself to find out about that - when Edward was with Bella, if they could ever "do it," as he'd so lovingly put it at the time. Jasper had rolled his eyes about it back then, but he was loving his bear of a brother a great deal right now for finding out that sexual interaction between a vampire and a human was possible, though very rarely ever achievable because of the temptations.
When he came down from his high induced by his climax, Jasper laid still against the bed, bringing both arms around her to hold her lovingly. He did not squeeze her, but did hold her securely.
"I love you," he whispered, panting. He didn't need the oxygen, but to breathe like that was instinct after what they'd just done."I love you so much."
He nuzzled into her hair and breathed in her sweet scent. It took him a few minutes to move, but when he was finally able to he turned her over to lay beside him. After he laid her there, Jasper held her to him and started to kiss her tenderly. He held her gently, stroking her arm as he kissed her lips. He pulled back, just enough to press his forehead to hers and allow her to breathe.
"You're so beautiful," he whispered. Jasper knew she didn't take compliments that well, but he couldn't help it. She'd be able to feel his sincerity, and he hoped she'd take it to heart.
If Bella could pause everything in order to freeze frame a moment, she would have just so she could see the way his face looked when he reached the peak of his climax. The features of his angel-painted visage were the perfect combination of concentration and determination. And yet somehow, he looked so peaceful almost. It was strange to think, but Bella could see it as the emotions played out on his face. There was a part of him that was so… unguarded. Jasper was a person that was driven by emotions and while Bella was used to that now, it was still such a treat for her to be able to witness when they were nothing but bliss.
She sighed as soon as his arms were around her. They weren't holding her tightly, no. But she felt safe. Secure. Protected. She never realized she would like feeling such a way, but she loved it. She loved him. Butterflies were set into motion in her stomach when he told her the same. Those words never failed to have that effect on her. It just seemed to sound sweeter when he was short of breath when he said it and he was still inside of her. She nuzzled her face against his neck when he breathed in the scent of her hair and again, she sighed from being nothing but content. Another sound was made when he rolled her over and pulled out of her, a soft-hearted groan that came along with being connected with him.
But it wasn't as if Bella could be disappointed. He was still close, kissing her sweetly and running his fingers along her skin. The chill from his own when he pressed his forehead to hers soothed her and made her own flesh not feel quite so feverish as it had minutes before. When he whispered that she was beautiful, something strange happened. Bella didn't react as she normally would have – not so quick to just brush the compliment off as a silly remark. For years, she'd done that, shying away from such accolades with a shake of her head or an uncomfortable laugh and a subject change. Even when those she loved and who she knew loved her received that reaction. But here, now, with Jasper… she believed him when he said it this time. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she was completely exposed to him. He'd seen her naked, completely unguarded and lost in the moment. And he still felt she was beautiful. Even when bruises – one that he was so ashamed of even though she wasn't – covered her skin, he felt that way.
"Thank you," she whispered, leaning forward to kiss him.
For a few minutes, Bella was happy to just share in those kisses. They were lazy, slow. But they were meaningful. She could have kissed him that way for hours and never tire of it. Days or weeks or months. But her stomach had other plans. When she was in the middle of kissing him, it rumbled loudly. Laughing against Jasper's lips, she felt her cheeks blush.
"I'm starving," she observed, putting a hand on her stomach. "You've left me famished." They way she said it should have been received by him as a badge of honor.
Jasper couldn't help but smile when she thanked him. He was very glad she'd taken his compliment and believed him. He hadn't expected her to, to be honest. Bella was very much like him in that regard, but he'd hoped that coming from him she'd be able to accept the notion that he believed her to be beautiful. It certainly was true. Bella's beauty was understated, but since he was able to see things so very clearly, he could see past the shyness and quiet facade she sometimes hid behind. It made him feel good that she believed him. He would've laid in bed with her for days on end, just kissing every inch of her body and worshipping her, whispering words of devotion and adoration in her ear, if he could.
He still felt guilty when his body was exposed to her. She was seeing a lie, being exposed only to the camouflage and not the real thing. While Bella told him constantly that his scars didn't bother her, he hadn't really believed her. Bella was always so quick to put her needs and concerns behind her to make way for others, Jasper just couldn't tell if she meant it or if she was saying it because she felt she had to. Either way, she couldn't see what was beneath, and that was something he still struggled with. Granted, he did not want her to see his scars, but the fact that she couldn't even if she wanted to made him feel badly.
His thoughts were momentarily lifted as Bella turned over and curled up against him. He could feel her warm lips pressing to his, and it was perfectly wonderful. Her lazy, slow kisses were returned in a similar fashion. He loved those lingering kisses, because he was able to taste her for a longer period of time that way. Her lips were so very sweet; he couldn't get enough of her kisses. He pulled away when he heard her stomach announce its need for nutrients. His mouth curved into a sideways grin. He could feel the flush rushing to her cheeks and smell the blood. For a moment he hesitated, and held his breath until he regained his composure.
"Yes, we'll make you some breakfast," he said, and kissed her forehead. "I think you've left me famished, too," he confessed.
His eyes would've been considerably darker. They were not by any means the charcoal black that would indicate he was running on empty, but they were a much darker shade of gold than they'd been the day before. Jasper had spent an abundance of what would be the vampiric equivalent to energy while making love to her. He'd had to use a lot of control as well, which had sped up the time he'd need between feedings.
"I'll need to hunt today, for certain." He was more thinking out loud at this point, but he quickly turned his focus back to her and started to kiss her jawline slowly. "Will you take your breakfast in bed, my love?"
Bella wouldn't be able to tell that Jasper was still having reservations with his body. At least, not at this particular moment. She had told him time and time again that his scars didn't bother her. But she didn't expect him to believe her when he spent years and years being made to think otherwise. She couldn't blame him for that. He had justified reasons for his insecurities. But even though she couldn't blame him for those apprehensions didn't mean that she felt at ease with him experiencing them.
On the contrary, it put an ache in Bella's heart to think that he was so ashamed of himself in regard to his scars. It wasn't so much that he was ashamed of them himself, but rather, that he worried she wouldn't feel the same about him if she was able to see the physical reminders of his dark past on his skin in the form of his scars. That was so far from the truth. Bella would love Jasper just as much even if he displayed ten times the amount of marks he housed now where she could plainly see them on a daily basis. She wasn't sure how she would change his thought patterns in reference to her feelings about his scars, but she made it a point to try.
For now, however, she couldn't detect anything as being wrong. Everything, on the contrary, felt perfect. When he kissed her, touched her skin, there was no other way to feel. Her eyes met his when he said that he too, was left hungry as a result of the past several hours they'd spent together. She did note the darkened gold color that differed from the day before. It was hard to tell when they were making love since Bella knew her own eyes had darkened during those times as well – due to desire and utter want. She nodded then, when he said he would need to hunt.
Bella began to think again on the fact that they needed to probably return home sooner rather than later. But before she could verbally voice her thoughts, his lips were on her jawline again and all previous thoughts were lost.
"Mm," she murmured when he spoke and it took her a second to realize what he was saying. "No," she said when she focused again. "I feel like cooking." As much as she would have loved to stay in bed with him, Bella thought it would be good to stretch her legs a bit and do something productive. Stretching against him, she sighed against his neck before sitting up.
Tucking the sheet under her arms, she stole it away as she stood from the bed, wrapping it around her naked body. The reason wasn't so much that she was ashamed of being naked in front of him – that would be silly now. But rather, so he couldn't see her bruises, which she knew would change his mood instantly.
"Just give me a couple of minutes," she said, heading off to the bathroom to clean up. She needed it considering their activities and imagined she probably looked something of a mess. On the way, she stopped by the closet to grab something to wear, but instead of her own clothes, she grabbed one of Jasper's shirts instead.
Jasper watched her lovingly as she stretched against his body and then moved to stand up. It was a shame that she'd wrapped herself in that sheet. He'd have been very happy to gaze at her beautiful body all day long. He had his memory, though. It was probably smart of her to do that so he wouldn't see all the bruises, though. While they did not take away from her beauty, he probably would not have been able to get past his guilty conscience by seeing them.
He was left a bit.. exposed when she took the sheet with her. Jasper was very modest about his appearance, though he'd gotten better about it with her. Still, he couldn't help but lay back down and turn over after she moved into the bathroom. There was a smile on his lips as he saw her grab one of his shirts. While she was gone, Jasper curled up with her pillow and closed his eyes. If he could've fallen asleep just then, he might have. He was so content and happy, without a care in the world. Everything seemed so perfect. He sighed softly at the thought, and held her pillow a little tighter.
That was when it hit him.
Things had never been perfect for them. Even at their happiest, at the point where they'd realized their love for one another, things weren't perfect. That was how Jasper knew his love for her was true. Perfection wasn't real. His eyes opened partially. He didn't want this realization to strike him, but it had. He knew that while they might have been happy staying here for several more days or even weeks, that it was just postponing the inevitable. They weren't living in their reality, no matter how wonderful this was. It had been completely necessary for them to get away and escape that reality for a time, but that time was over.
Jasper didn't know how to bring up the topic to their conversation. It wasn't exactly something that he knew either one of them wanted to deal with, but surely both of them knew it would come up eventually. He didn't let it affect or shift his mood. The last thing he wanted to do right now was take away from the happiness they were sharing that morning. It would have to be soon though, and he knew that he couldn't avoid it forever. He got up slowly from the bed and slid into some pajama bottoms that fit low on his hips. The sun was peaking in from behind the clouds in the sky, casting a soft glow on his skin. It shimmered lightly and Jasper was forced to look at the scars on his arms. He took comfort as he looked at them, knowing that while his marks were permanent, Bella's would fade over time. He'd protect her, and ensure that it would stay that way always.
As he stepped out of the sun's light, he moved to stand at the railing of the loft overlooking the first floor.
When Bella got into the bathroom, she did nothing but turn around and lean her back again the door, closing her eyes to remember the way she felt at that moment. Happy. It wasn't the first time she'd acknowledged the emotion since she'd woken up in Jasper's arms that morning, but it lingered steadily. That was more than all right with her. She hugged her arms around herself as if she were trying to wrap herself up fully in the feeling in order to secure it. But even where she stood now, she was sure she could feel Jasper's contentment as well. That was such an encouraging feeling.
Moving to the mirror, she finally caught a glimpse of herself. Her eyes still looked darker somehow, like the passion of the intimate past twenty-four hours she spent with him had forever changed her. Bella wasn't going to argue against that fact. It was true in her opinion – she would never be the same. Her hair was wild, sticking out in every which way from his hands being in it and the way she moved against the bed the evening before. Her hair hadn't been dried properly after the shower she and him took together, which certainly accounted for how messy it was now. But somehow, Bella didn't really care. Normally, she would have at least tried desperately to tame it somehow or make it look more presentable, but for now, she only combed through it a few times with her fingers to relax it a bit.
Her fingers moved then to touch her lips. In her reflection, though, when she went to marvel at the way they were swollen from so much kissing, her eyes caught sight of the bruises on her forearm. She frowned then, remembering how upset they'd made Jasper. When she dropped the sheets (ones that she only now realized were ripped), she could see why they'd upset him so much. Her waist and hips were covered in purplish-colored marks. They looked a lot worse than they felt, but when Bella stretched, she winced slightly as she observed how tender she was. Thankfully, he wouldn't see that. It only would have set him off again and Bella was desperately trying to stray away from such a thing. For that reason, she busied herself with cleaning up.
After she'd washed off her body somewhat with a damp cloth, she dried herself off again with a towel, mindful of her new marks. After brushing her teeth thoroughly and doing anything else she needed in the morning, she dressed in the button-down shirt she'd snagged of Jasper's on her way to the bathroom. As soon as she slid her arms through the sleeves, the immediate sense of happiness flooded her again, coming along with his scent that now enveloped her. The shirt was quite big on her of course and it covered her completely. The sleeves needed to be rolled up, but she only did so to her wrists. It was a good choice of clothing to conceal things that were unnecessary to see – her bruises namely.
It only took her a second to spot him when she emerged from the bathroom, but before she could actually lay her eyes on him, Bella could feel the way Jasper's mood had changed.
Worry.
The feeling permeated the air in their little cabin. But then it seemed to disappear in a way, almost as if he were trying to combat it. She couldn't have imagined it though. When she was so prone to the happiness radiating between them, any change was significant. She came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist from the back. Kissing his spine, she nuzzled her face into his skin before speaking.
"What are you thinking about?" she asked. "Or what were you just thinking about?" she clarified, taking a step around him so she could look up and face him to study his expression.
While he continued to wait for her to return, Jasper tried not to think of the realization he'd just had too much. He knew he'd probably slipped enough to allow her to feel his worry, and he did not want to cause her concern just yet. At the same time, he did always want her to know his true feelings and never hide anything from her. He was a creature ruled by his emotions. Trying to function under false pretenses did not bode well for him. It would cause his true feelings to build up inside of him and eventually overwhelm him. Something like this did not need to be the cause for a melt down. The only reason he was not permitting his concerns to flow freely through his emotions was because he did not want to take away from any of her happiness at the moment.
Jasper did not have to turn and look to know she was coming towards him. He could hear her footsteps, however quiet, as she approached. Her scent became stronger, her heartbeat became louder. When he felt her warm arms slide around his bare stomach, followed by soft kisses and nuzzles against his back, he couldn't help but allow a rare smile to cross his lips. Jasper did not smile too often; he smirked frequently, but true, genuine smiles were usually few and far between. Unless he was with Bella, then he found himself smiling much more frequently. An expression of happiness, even as simple as a smile, would have probably looked foreign on a face like his with his intense features, but because he possessed such ethereal beauty, his smile would still have been charming no matter how out of place it might have seemed to be.
As she spoke and repositioned herself, Jasper did turn to look down at her. Her question was not one he wanted to answer. Not the second part, at least. Though it did open the door to begin the conversation, he did not particularly want to engage in it. Now was probably as good of a time as any, but he chose to answer the former question first.
"I was thinking about you just now," he replied honestly. "How beautiful you are..." Jasper leaned down and kissed her very tenderly. He slid his hand down the curve of her waist, around to rest against the small of her back. "How much I love you..." He kissed her again, and ran his other hand slowly through her hair. "How much I want to protect you..."
Jasper opened his eyes as he spoke the last of his list of thoughts. He couldn't keep his worries from her. That last one was his segway into his previous thoughts. "We need to go back," he said calmly.
His expression gave no hint of sadness; he just lightly stroked her cheek with his fingertips and held her against him. "Soon. Probably tomorrow."
There was a blush on her cheeks when he chose to answer the first part of her question initially rather than the one where she'd corrected herself to express what she'd really meant to inquire about. When he complimented her and kissed her, Bella once more felt those butterflies unleashed in her stomach. She couldn't decide which she loved more – the sweet words or the way his lips moved softly against hers. But was there really a need to choose? If he offered them both so freely, Bella would cherish them rather than question them.
She met Jasper's eyes when he told her the truth about what he'd been thinking about. Or at least, what he'd been thinking about when she detected the change in his mood earlier. It wasn't as surprising as perhaps it should have been. After all, Bella had been thinking about the same thing earlier that very morning. It had just been easy to forget those nagging feelings that it was time to leave when every second they spent together at the cabin was nothing short of perfection. But in reality, they needed to return to Forks and see what was going on. If Jasper had a sudden feeling about it, she wondered if something specific had happened to warrant their return.
It didn't matter. They would need to leave the next day at the latest. For lack of any other reason, then to at least put his mind to rest about whatever caused him to feel a sudden hint of negativity.
"Then tomorrow we will," she said simply.
Standing on her toes, she took his face in her hands and brought his lips down to hers again for a reassuring kiss. Bella needed Jasper to know that she was fine with this decision. And she honestly was. Of course it would have just been easier to stay hidden away, just the two of them, where there was no threat of anything save for perhaps the rain ruining their day out. But even that didn't seem like much of a concern. After all, the rain is what had started their whole turn of events the day before.
Lowering back down to her feet, she gently scratched the back of his neck with her nails momentarily. "Why don't you go and hunt?" she suggested. "I'll make myself some breakfast and clean up the place a little bit. I'm sure Esme won't appreciate ripped sheets on the bed," she said with a faint grin on her face.
Somehow Bella didn't think it would be a good idea – nor very polite – to leave behind the remnants of their lovemaking. She could only imagine the field day Emmett would have with that one if he'd heard about it.
"I'll call Charlie and let him know we're coming. Carlisle too," she said.
It was a relief to Jasper when Bella responded the way she did to him. He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting, but he'd hoped she would understand and agree with him. Of course there was some disappointment to be felt; they were staying in their own personal haven, protected by the seclusion it offered from the outside world. Jasper didn't need anything else, and leaving it behind was not exactly something he wanted to do. They needed to go, though, and it was reassuring to know that Bella agreed with him without hesitating. Still, it was very difficult for him to look down into her eyes and not show any signs of regret that they would have to leave.
He nodded when she suggest he go hunt. Leaving now, he'd be back in time for them to spend the rest of the day together, and the evening as well. He did not want to dwell on the sadness that leaving might bring. Part of him wondered if maybe they should leave sooner, so that the thought of leaving wouldn't be looming over them, ticking away the minutes until they departed. But they could address that later. He'd hunt now, and they'd figure out what they were going to do next afterwards. "Don't clean everything, all right? I was the one who made the mess of the sheets. At least leave that for me to take care of." He smiled a little and kissed her forehead.
His thoughts then drifted to their fathers. Carlisle of course understood the situation in its entirety and he also knew that Jasper, while his son emotionally and for the purpose of their existence was also an adult and could make his own decisions. It wasn't the first time Jasper had left for an extended period of time, either. For Charlie, however, the circumstances were different. He didn't know all the obstacles his daughter was facing, all the danger and stress she was dealing with everyday. He didn't even know she and Jasper were dating until they'd left. While the police chief had once regarded Jasper kindly, as he'd been the one to bring Bella home the night she'd gone missing, he probably did not have the same feelings for the tall blond vampire now. It really was a wonder that Carlisle and Esme had manage to calm Charlie down enough not to send search parties out for them. But Jasper knew better than to think that Charlie would welcome them back with open arms.
"I'll talk to Carlisle," he said, locking both arms around her waist then while she played lightly with the tender skin on the back of his neck. He shivered as her nails brushed over one of his scars, then leaned down to kiss her softly. Jasper pressed their foreheads together. "You just focus on Charlie. I'm probably going to have to have Carlisle drop you off. I don't think he's going to want to see Annabelle anywhere near your house for a while." He kissed her forehead once, then smirked a little.
"Fortunately I'm quite good at climbing trees."
He let go of her then, and moved to change into some clothing more appropriate for hunting. Once he was finished, he went to find her again and swept her up in a gentle embrace.
"I'll hurry back to you," he breathed against her ear, then pulled her into a slow, but passionate kiss. When he parted from the kiss, he released her and smiled. "Enjoy your breakfast, my love."
With that, he turned and ran out, opting instead to use the deck for his exit rather than the front door. He jumped off the railing, down into the trees and disappeared.
Author's Note: This chapter took a little longer to get up simply because it took the longest to edit. It's the longest one to date, but it addressed a very important issue. You don't need to worry (obviously) about Jasper being too similar to Edward in that he won't touch Bella for awhile. The next chapter will feature to Volturi contacting the Cullens and will also address something very important that a LOT of you have been waiting for - the subject of Bella becoming a vampire. We know you've been anxious about that! Please review and let us know your thoughts on this chapter! Cheers!
Lyrics: This Could Be Heaven - Lamb