And I want to wake up with the rain falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night ;;
Saying goodbye to the cabin had been a difficult thing to do, perhaps, more so than Bella had been anticipating. It was with a heavy heart that she took one last look around their makeshift sanctuary. It felt like they had a lifetime of memories there. In a way, they did. It felt like the two of them had spent a lifetime there. It had just been the two of them and while that was the case, it was so easy to fall into the idea of pretending that they were living together. There, they were just a normal and happy couple. There, nothing could touch them that was tied to negativity in any way. She'd loved the way it felt to wake up with Jasper in the morning and fall asleep beside him each night. Though she'd done that frequently in her own room, it had always been deceptive in a way seeing as the two of them needed to keep it to themselves. But here, there was no reason to hide. Here, he had been able to walk around the house with her whenever he wanted. They could run around and play with each other, carefree. It wouldn't be like that when they returned back to Forks and both of them understood that. It had been understood as well that it was necessary for them to get back and so, they had no choice.
The car ride home had been a solemn one. Neither of them talked much. Instead, they just held hands and were left alone to quietly deal with their thoughts. Bella spent the time recounting every minute they spent together at the cabin. It was a good guess that Jasper had been doing that at some point during the journey home as well. Occasionally, she would close her eyes to relieve the memories. He would be able to tell when she was doing this by the certain changes in her mood. The brunette never slept though. She felt well-rested and not at all fatigued, just relaxed at being with him. Despite anything that was looming ahead of them, she was glad they didn't discuss anything that was weighted too heavily. It was mainly just simple questions – are you too cold? Are you comfortable? Do you need me to stop anywhere? The trip home seemed a lot shorter than the journey they'd taken to the fishing town.
Returning home had been much of what Bella was expecting it to be, beginning with Charlie. He swept her up into a close embrace, a gesture that had obviously stemmed from his discomfort of not knowing exactly where she had been. But then the second he let her go, his eyes were darting around her, looking desperately for someone else. The only other person he found was Carlisle, not the blonde that Charlie had been hoping for. It had been a smart idea for Jasper not to be the one to return her home; Bella didn't want him to get laid into by her father. Charlie simply thanked Carlisle for getting Bella back to him safe and sound.
Before he'd even finished closing the door, he was grounding her. A full month. She wasn't allowed to have visitors, nor was she allowed to go anywhere unless Charlie was with her. Phone calls were forbidden, which, would have been more difficult if Bella had a cell phone again. It still went without replacement after the night the newborn came to her room and she threw it in frustration when nobody came to aid Jasper.
Bella didn't fight him on it. Instead, she just took her sentence solemnly and returned to her room. She tried to keep herself busy until it was nighttime. She knew it wouldn't be long until she actually saw Jasper again. But that didn't mean the hours didn't drag on without him. After spending every last second with him for days on end, time seemed like a strange concept to her now. She took a long shower after fixing her and Charlie dinner. He was quiet throughout the meal, not questioning her yet. Bella knew that would only be a matter of time however. And she would gladly wait until then. After her shower, she dressed carefully, choosing pajamas that would cover most of her bruises. She wanted to sleep in Jasper's shirt, but with Charlie looking in on her before he went to bed, she knew it wouldn't be the best idea.
A good chunk of her time was occupied by emailing Renee. Charlie couldn't take away her computer privileges unless he yanked the computer out from her room. For a second, Bella thought he would have until she told him that she needed to get in contact with her mother and that was the best method of doing so. It was hard to know what to write in the letter she composed. She didn't want to tell her mother too much, but she knew that Charlie had already informed her that Bella ran away with a boy. Her mother would be wanting the details for certain. For now, however, Bella was just going with the bare minimum. As soon as that was done, she retreated to bed, though she wasn't able to fall asleep. At least not yet. Instead, she lay awake, aimlessly staring up at the ceiling in the darkness and wondering what Jasper was doing at that very moment while he felt so far away.
It was very difficult indeed to leave the cabin. Jasper had not wanted to go at all, but rather to stay there with her forever and hide away from the rest of the world. That had been the intention, and that place had served its true purpose. They'd been able to work through some of the issues they'd had before leaving Forks, talking about their fears and insecurities, and just taking the time they needed to almost get reacquainted and more comfortable with each other. The level of closeness they now shared was far deeper than what it had been before and Jasper thought their bond was very strong even then. Now, it was unlike anything he'd ever experienced. Their time at the cabin was well spent, very necessary, and nothing short of heavenly. Jasper wanted more periods of time spent in that way, and that was exactly why they had to go back. In order for him to ensure that they would have more times like this, they needed to face the problems they had back in the real world.
Most of the ride back to Forks was spent in silence, but there was no tension. Jasper was fairly calm, all things considered. It actually surprised him a little bit that he could be as calm as he was given that they were heading back to face some very serious dangers and obstacles. Bella's father was a big concern; he surely would forbid Bella to see him anymore, and they both already knew she was going to be grounded. This wasn't the end of the world, of course. Jasper would still be able to come to her room at night and spend time with her. Things would just be more complicated for a while. In time, once Charlie had been given enough to calm down and see that Bella was okay, Jasper would go to him and apologize properly. That would not happen until Charlie had gotten over wanting to come after him with a shotgun.
When they were close to reaching Forks, Jasper called Carlisle to meet them at a designated place, where he reluctantly said a temporary goodbye to Bella. He did not kiss her goodbye, but not because of his usual concern for privacy; he just didn't want her to think he was leaving. He thanked Carlisle, though there was something about his father that made Jasper a bit unnerved. Carlisle was not projecting it outwardly, but Jasper could sense an edge of worry from him and that was very concerning. He did not want Bella to be nervous; they could talk about whatever it was when he came by later. Jasper watched calmly as Carlisle drove her off in his black Mercedes, then got back into his car and drove back to the house. It was a short time later before his father returned, and soon afterwards Jasper was made aware of why exactly Carlisle had been a bit unnerved before.
It was distressing news indeed.
Jasper would've been lying if he'd said he didn't expect it to happen eventually, but it seemed very premature. The Volturi's concept of time was even more off than his. A day to them could be a year in the human world, and maybe even longer than that. For them to act so quickly was very concerning. It was also infuriating.
Jasper had gone through a period of anger after hearing the news that resulted in him destroying the coffee table in Carlisle's study and nearly putting a hole in the wall with his fist had it not been for Emmett catching his arm. It was an insult. How dare they show up on their territory after viciously murdering Alice and Edward, threatening Bella and traumatizing her. After all the damage they caused, they had the nerve to show themselves? Of course they did, they were the Volturi, and they did whatever they pleased. But that didn't mean Jasper had to like it. It was going to take Emmett holding him back for him not to outright lunge at Aro if he showed his face. Jasper didn't care who he brought with him.
It took him a considerable amount of time to calm down. He knew that he could not present this news to Bella with such anger coursing through him. He did not want to upset or frighten her. The situation was bad enough as it was. He needed to get to her, though. It wasn't enough that they had newborns and a sadistic vampire already out to get her, now they also had the threat of the royal elite guard breathing down their necks. Jasper suddenly found himself wishing they had just stayed at the cabin forever. He hunted with Emmett before making the trip to Bella's. Jasper's eyes had blackened after his outburst and he knew it bothered Bella when he did not tend to his thirst. Jasper also felt he needed to hunt because he feared his control would slip if he was thirsty and angry. He took a lot of his aggression out on his prey. It was a good way to get out his frustration.
Once he did get close to her house, he parked in a discrete location and walked the rest of the way. He quickly checked to make sure that Charlie had gone to bed, then scaled the tree outside of her window. For a moment, he just peered in at her. He could tell she was not asleep, because the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed was not the steady, calm rhythm she undertook when she slipped out of consciousness. Watching her, he felt a little better, and a strong sense of protectiveness. Jasper entered through the open window and moved to slide into bed with her. He stayed above the covers, both for her warmth and so that he'd be able to move much faster should Charlie come to check on her.
"I missed you," he whispered against her neck, then pressed a gentle kiss to her soft skin.
It was amazing how it could feel like eternities since the last time they'd seen one another. That's how it felt for Bella when she was laying awake in the dark. Like in the car ride back to Forks, she was replaying their time at the cabin back in her mind. She touched upon everything – from the first night they'd gotten there and he insisted that she get some sleep before anything else, to when they sat on the porch in the sunset and talked about the things that had driven them to the point of running away with one another and leaving the rest of the world behind them. She thought about when they encountered that blond in the little restaurant they'd eaten at when they went shopping and how Jasper, ever so sweetly of course, insinuated that he would be spending all of his time behind closed doors with Bella and no one else.
That had been mostly true, especially considering how their last two days of the trip had gone. Not to mention the time they spent in the hot tub. Bella wondered what Charlie would say if she suddenly suggested they put one in the backyard. Somehow she didn't think that would go over so well and thought that maybe even Charlie could put two and two together and figure out that something happened to spark her interest in hot tubs during her trip. Her trip with a teenaged boy. Better just to keep her wishes to herself. She sighed as she continued to dwell on their trip together, holding onto the large overstuffed moose he'd won her at the fair they attended. She wished it smelled like Jasper, but when she drew it closer to her face she decided it didn't. Her pillow no longer smelled of him either since it had been so long since either of them were in her bed.
But thankfully, it wasn't long before she had more than just his smell. She had all of him.
Bella could feel his presence coming closer before she could actually see him. She didn't know quite how to read his emotions, but that was mainly due to the fact that she was so excited to see him again. Her eyes fluttered closed when she felt his words and then his lips against the warm skin of her neck. Turning on her side, she wrapped an arm around his torso, squishing Mortimer between them as she pressed her face against his chest.
"I missed you too," she said honestly. She'd missed him from the moment Carlisle drove her away and separated the two of them.
For a moment, she did nothing but breathe in him, taking in the scent that she had missed so much. When she was content, she reached for a kiss, pressing her lips softly against his for a few seconds. It wasn't until she leaned her forehead against his that she spoke again, and this time, it was with a heavier heart. Something was off.
"What's wrong?"
Jasper did not know how best to word what he'd found out upon their return. There really was no good way to tell her that the Volturi were making a personal visit to check up on them. How could he say it in a way that wouldn't bring back memories that would traumatize her, frighten her, upset her? He did not want to invoke any of those emotions from her. He wanted to keep her safe and away from anything or anyone that could cause her harm or pain of any kind. Part of him did not want to tell her at all, but he'd made a promise to her that he would never keep anything from her. This involved Bella directly and she had a right to know the truth. That didn't make it any easier or compel him to spill the truth to her right away, but he knew he had to.
For a moment, he just wanted to lay there with her. He wanted to close his eyes and imagine that they were back at the cabin, where the biggest dilemma they had was what Bella was going to have for breakfast that morning, or if they were going to lay in bed all day or go for a walk. He hoped that by coming back, they could eliminate all the obstacles that made those moments fantasy, and therefore turn them into reality. He knew it wasn't going to be easy, but honestly, what was easy? The hardships made the end results so much more worth it. It still didn't make him want to tell her, or see the look of fear that no doubt would cross her features, but he knew he couldn't lie to her. That was the only thing he wanted to do less than tell her the truth.
"When Carlisle returned to the house, he produced a letter which he had received," he said quietly, keeping his tone low so that in case Charlie was lying awake in his room, he would not hear another voice in Bella's room. He gently stroked her hair, and looked into her eyes. "It was from the Volturi leaders," he said, his jaw visibly clenching.
"It seems they're.. anxious.. about the progression of what Alice said she saw." The stress in his features and the tension in his voice, would show just how hard he was trying to keep his calm; this was not something that was easy for him to talk about. Mortimer was feeling it; Jasper had one of his legs in a death grip.
"The visit they spoke of will be coming to pass very soon. Much sooner than we anticipated. I thought for certain we'd have a few years to prepare, at the very least." He closed his eyes a moment, and the imaginary setting of their cabin suddenly seemed very, very far away. "I think right now we're talking about a matter of a few weeks at best." Jasper's shoulders tensed as he forced down a rush of anger at the thought of them anywhere near the Cullen house.
"I'm.. I'm so sorry, Bella. I.. I'll.. I'll think of something. I promise I'll keep you safe."
From the second that Jasper mentioned 'Volturi', Bella's demeanor completely was altered.
Her blood seemed to run cold and her entire body tensed instantaneously. Just the name of the ancient vampire clan was enough to have such a physiological effect on her. But that was nothing compared to what it had done psychologically. Instantly, she was flooded with images from the last time she had encountered them. She swore she could still feel the way their cold hands gripped her to keep her from trying to stop the horrors unfolding in front of her eyes. She could still hear the eerie tinkling laughter that resonated from their leader while her love and her dear friend had the life sucked out of them. She could still feel the burn in her throat and her nose from the smoke.
Because she was flooded with the memories, she nearly missed the actual point of what Jasper was saying. A letter. They were coming. Aro was going to make good on his word. Those echoes of horrifying promises as she was pushed out of the dark underground in the early springtime still haunted her. 'What Alice saw' was Bella as immortal, one of them. It was something she wanted so badly in the past, something she ached for. But her desires had been stifled when Aro spoke of his desire to also have her transformed. Their reasons were in opposition of one another's. He wanted to collect her – just as he had wanted Edward and Alice. Bella wanted to have an eternity to spend with the person she loved. But the cruelty of the Volturi leader ensured that would be an impossibility.
Being with Jasper, Bella had been blissfully unaware of the Volturi. She hadn't thought or heard anything from them in the time since she confessed to him what truly happened in Italy on that tragic night when he lost both a wife and a brother. She didn't have reason to fear when she was with him and the times when she did had been in regard to Victoria and the army she was creating. Either that, or losing Jasper to someone like Maria, a strong fear she'd had after that day when she wandered across the two of them in the forest. Those fears, save for the latter, still existed and now the worst of all would be coming into play much sooner rather than later from the sound of what Jasper was saying.
"A few weeks?" she whispered in repeat.
It wasn't just to keep quiet from Charlie in the next room, but rather, because Bella suddenly felt like her voice was gone. How would they manage? The two of them hadn't even discussed the possibility of Bella being changed or the necessity of even having the discussion considering Aro's threat to be paying a visit. Now it seemed like the conversation was to be inevitable. But before she could even get into it, before she could even speak of it with Jasper before anyone else, she had to assure him of something else first.
"I won't let anything happen to you," she said, vowing it to him.
Yes, she was fragile and weak and could be taken out of the equation in less than a second, but she would refuse to let anything happen to Jasper. Or at least, she would die trying to protect him. He just swore to protect her, but Bella didn't feel like she was the one in danger. She was the object that Aro wanted to collect. Anyone who stood in the way of that was the one in danger. She wouldn't let that happen to him. Not her Jasper. She wouldn't lose a love again.
"We need to figure this out," she said, trying to calm herself so that he would be able to do the same. "What did Carlisle say on the matter?"
Jasper had anticipated this sort of reaction from her. He knew this wasn't going to produce a positive reaction from her and rightfully not. He himself had lost his temper and destroyed furniture upon hearing the news. He did not think Bella would resort to such extremes, but he had prepared himself for the worst, be it getting angry or falling apart and crying over the traumatic memories she had involving the royal group of vampires. There was a mix of emotions that he could feel coming from her. She was shocked, afraid, angry, sad, and even a bit determined, most of which were the same as the emotions he had been experiencing too.
"I did not read all of the letter," he confessed. "I.. lost my temper a bit after the first two paragraphs. What I understand is that they intend to make sure we uphold the demands they have set. They want to see our progress."
That progress was Bella's transformation. Jasper did not particularly want to discuss that. It didn't seem necessary to him, though now that the circumstances were drastically different with the impending visit, he knew it was inevitable. He knew she had once desired to be changed, but after what happened with Edward and Alice, it had never been discussed again. Alice had once said she saw the transformation in Bella's future, but Jasper was certain she had seen herself still in the picture at that point too. The surrounding circumstances were different, and Jasper wasn't sure how to approach the matter now.
Her vow to protect him was a bit of a surprise. He knew that Bella did not like to be considered fragile and Jasper understood how that felt. He knew what it was like to be the "weakest link" in the chain, as he'd always considered himself that with his family. Jasper did not like to make it obvious that their were extreme differences in their strength, or that they were a different species. Sometimes it couldn't be helped; the first time they'd made love was a prime example of that.
The differences in their kind were very obvious in this situation, for it was his kind that was posing the threat, just as it had been before. Bella would be no match for any of them. Jasper wasn't even sure he was strong enough - even with all of his family at his side - to make a difference. After all, the Volturi was the elite of vampires. There was a reason they held the status they did and that they were the ones who called the shots. It was that reason that they were afraid right now of what was to come.
Jasper didn't say anything to her to counter her vow to protect him. He knew she needed that promise, that thought and that determination, in order to keep it together, to give her a sense of purpose. He was not going to be the one to take it from Bella; not right now at least. He would not let her put herself in danger for him, but he understood her desire to want to keep him safe, because he shared that with her, for her. He nodded when she said they needed to figure things out. He agreed with that whole-heartedly. There was much that they needed to figure out, but there were complications that would prevent him from drawing proper strategies that were without flaws.
The family always looked to him in times of danger because he was the strategist. He was the one who knew how to face other vampires and fight them off. He was the one with answers, and yet Jasper was drawing a blank. He was too close to this situation to think clearly. These were the people who killed his wife and brother, and forever traumatized Bella for subjecting her to watching and experiencing first hand the type of cruelty they could impose. That alone was enough to put Jasper over the edge. The other problem was that without Alice's gift of foresight, they did not know which of the group would be coming. Aro had conveniently - and no doubt purposefully - left out who would be accompanying him. Since he couldn't be sure who they would be facing, he could only speculate. That meant he had to come up with several scenarios and how they would react to each. It was stressing him out already and he'd only been made aware of this for the past few hours.
"Carlisle wants to stall," he replied. "He intends to use their own laws to keep them at bay. They heavily encourage discretion on our part. Carlisle believes that by telling them that we reside in a small town, the humans are still reeling from the deaths.. that have already occurred." He carefully worded it, though nothing sounded right; it all hurt to say.
"It would draw too much attention to us right now for there to be another connected to our family."
It was not an easy topic to discuss, and they both knew that. But Jasper would be strong for her. He would show her that it was going to be all right. They would get through this one step at a time. Starting with this talk.
Bella was quiet after he'd told her what Carlisle's response had been. Her mind drifted back to the time when she was on the plane with Alice to Italy and the subject was discussed. She could remember how badly she wanted Alice to go through with it and just change her herself. Alice had been so willing, even though it would have been against Edward's wishes. It didn't matter that she said she didn't know if she would be able to do it for the simple fact that she didn't know if she would be able to stop. It was the fact that she had been willing to. It was what Bella had been wanting more than anything.
If it would have been possible, Bella would have been content with Alice biting her right then and there – which she'd even asked her to do. Perhaps then the story would have played out differently. By the time she was in Volterra, it would have distracted the Volturi. Alice would have certainly have been able to keep her life and Bella was convinced that Edward would have somehow been able to keep his as well. That, of course, hadn't happened, and because Bella was still very much a mortal, there was quite a lot on controversy on all of their plates.
But if she wasn't…
Perhaps she should have given more thought to the issue before there was reason to fear for it, before it became a serious matter that was one to be considered as a result of a looming threat instead of just rehashing a previous desire of hers. It was not as if Bella didn't have reason to want immortality. There were so many factors that went beyond just the impending danger of the Roman clan and Aro's sickening need to collect to make them larger, even more all-powerful. Bella, whether human, immortal or otherwise, would of course never join their ranks. Aro surely had to know that after what had transpired the first and last time she had any contact with the eerie leader.
For someone else though, she would.
For someone who she loved. For someone she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, a life that was far too short in human terms. A life that didn't seem fair with a deadline on it, a ticking clock that would haunt her every single day that passed and grew closer to her inevitable end. That someone was with her now.
Jasper.
The thought of not being with him any longer made her feel sick to her stomach. Even now, thinking about it, caused her to bring a hand to her belly to settle the sudden queasy feeling it brought along with it. He would probably misconstrue that, thinking that it had more to do with the anticipation of the Volturi coming than anything negative concerning how much time she had left on this world with him.
For not thinking about it at all recently, immortality was all that consumed Bella's thoughts now.
Could it be a possibility? What would Jasper's thoughts be on the matter? It was nothing they'd ever discussed before. Surely he knew about Alice's visions in the past about Bella becoming like one of them. But how would she know his true thoughts on the matter? Now that they were involved in a serious relationship, that changed everything as well. It certainly changed the way Bella thought of it. It would be so much more forgiving in terms of them interacting with one another if she couldn't be broken. She would never have to witness a look of worry or hurt crossing his beautiful features again for fear that he would somehow injure her even without trying.
Carlisle had made a good point for wanting to stall using the excuse he planned on. But Bella found a flaw.
"There are other excuses they could give for me not being around," she said. "Moving away, going to college, anything," she said with a frown turning down her lips.
And that was the truth. It would be all too easy for one of their members to think up another elaborate story, one that would be believable to the public. If they were about discretion, then it wouldn't be that difficult. But what about a different solution altogether?
"What if… What if I was… changed," she said, almost cautiously, breeching the subject. "Aro won't settle for anything else. If I am… then we could avoid what might happen if… I'm not," she said, searching for Jasper's gaze in the darkness.
Bella's words shocked him. Of all the scenarios he'd already played out in his head, the thought of her undergoing the transition from human to vampire was not one of them. The idea of Bella writhing in pain, suffering as her life slipped away all for the sake of hopefully sparing them any sort of punishment just did not set well with Jasper. Aro did not deserve the satisfaction after the suffering he'd already caused the family and Bella. Jasper didn't fear him; truthfully he wanted to face him down. The problem was that there were several powerful vampires that would stand in his way.
Jasper was not against the idea of Bella becoming a vampire one day.
He did not like the idea of ending her life, or the image of her suffering because of the pain the venom would induce as it shut down her body's signs of life. He did not want to think of her in pain at all. He always wanted to keep her from feeling pain, not be the cause of it. If he was miserable over a few bruises, he couldn't imagine what it would be like if he poisoned her with his venom. Still, this was not something he would adamantly deny her. It was her life, and she could decide the way she wanted to live it. He did not intend to give his opinion on it, for he had reasons for which he wanted her to become a vampire, and of course, ones to prevent it from happening as well.
"Bella.. I.. I understand your feelings, that you want to protect us all from Aro's hand - rather, the hand of his underlings," he said, correcting himself; Aro wouldn't need to lift a hand if he brought someone as strong as Felix or even little Jane. "But it would make him all the more curious and eager to have you at his side if you were changed. It would make it easier for him to take you." Jasper furrowed his brow, thinking on it further.
"Besides.. This.. this is the wrong reason to want to undergo this transition. The decision is something that.. well, you should never be faced with a decision like this. But given the circumstances... It would be foolish of me to think this wouldn't eventually come up." Jasper shifted in her bed to sit up, resting his back against the headboard. He gently pulled her up against him, to allow her to rest against his chest.
"I knew we'd talk about this someday. I just did not believe it would be under these conditions. Whatever you eventually decide you want to do, I want it to be for the right reasons. Not because of Aro. We can handle him; I'll come up with something. I just can't stand the thought of you sacrificing your entire life for someone as despicable as him. It's not right. It's not fair to you."
He tightened his arms around her, though not enough to cause her harm. Just enough to be protective. "I think he would be more likely to pursue taking you if you were a vampire, Bella. He won't want to take you as a human. It's too risky. He wants someone else to do the work for him, otherwise he would have taken you before, when you were there. While you're human, I believe you're safe... as inaccurate as that sounds."
From the way Jasper initially reacted to her words, Bella knew right off the bat that she should have continued. Or at the very least, she should have rephrased what she said. Because her words didn't exactly mirror her thoughts. Not entirely. The way she had said it could have easily been misconstrued as the only reason she wanted to was in order to appease Aro's wishes and thus, avoid a conflict altogether.
There would be a conflict no matter what happened. But it would have been worse, in her opinion, if she was not changed and instead, was to remain mortal for the time being. Still, that hadn't been what was running through her mind when the thought of immortality was on it. When Jasper pulled her up to rest against his chest when he leaned back against her headboard, Bella complied, but she maintain enough of a distance between them so that she could look at him while she spoke. He needed to know how serious she was in what she was going to say, how she would explain how he'd been wrong about her reasoning.
"Jasper…" she started, glancing at the wall behind him for a moment before locking her gaze on his, just needed a moment to collect her thoughts and think about how to go about saying what she needed to.
"Aro isn't the reason I want immortality. He might be the reason it's in question or why it's something to think about now," she said. "But the Volturi-" She paused at the name. "-the Volturi would never be the reason I would choose to live a different life. But.. you are," she said softly, chocolate eyes still on his when she brought a hand to rest gently against his chest where his heart would have been beating beneath.
"I love you," she said. "That is the right reason if ever there was one. I don't want to think about growing older without you. I don't want-"
She paused again, shaking her head and squeezing her eyes shut, trying to erase the imagery of herself, old and wrinkled with age, and Jasper, still young and beautiful as always.
"I can't think about that," she said. The fact that her nineteenth birthday was getting closer and closer was another constant reminder. "We might not have talked about this before, but that doesn't mean it isn't something I want," she said. "I do."
Jasper sighed softly and closed his eyes for a moment. This was.. a rather difficult subject to talk about. He did not feel right about telling Bella his own wishes because he felt they were selfishly motivated.
Of course he wanted her to become a vampire. He wanted Bella to be with him from now until the end of eternity. He wanted to be with her always, until the end of time. But that wasn't reason enough for her to make her decision. He could not voice his opinion to try to sway her. That would have been extremely wrong of him and he wasn't going stray from that.
He had to say something, though. Jasper didn't want to lie to her and tell her he didn't want her to undergo the transition. He just didn't want her to experience the transition itself. If there hadn't been any pain involved, he wouldn't have quite as much trouble with it. But Jasper knew all too well what went on during a vampire's transformation. He had witnessed countless transitions and felt the pain of all of them. Feeling that from Bella probably would not bear well with him. The idea alone was enough to send a chill down his spine.
It did mean a lot to him that she at least thought she wanted immortality. Jasper wasn't sure she really knew what she was saying or what she would be getting herself into by taking on the life of a vampire. She'd be giving up so much, sacrificing a lot of things she probably didn't realize she would miss upon undergoing the transformation.
"Bella.. I.. understand that desire. I can feel what you're feeling and I understand what you're saying," he said. "But there is so much more to consider. Have you thought about what you would be giving up by gaining immortality?" he asked, his expression serious. It was not harsh, just very intense. This was not something to make light of, nor could he find it in him to smile just yet.
"You would be leaving Charlie behind, and your mother. You can't eat food, you can't sleep, your human memories will fade. I would probably have to take you into isolation for the first year or two," he said.
He frowned a little, then shook his head. "I'm not trying to push you in either direction. I just want you to consider every side to this .. not just me."
The thought of Bella aging until her eventual death wasn't something he wanted to think about either. He would still love her just as much, if not more as time went on. But losing her would be devastating. Loving her for eternity wold be enough to sustain him; he would just live within his memories of her. But that didn't mean he wanted her to die.
It was a difficult subject to talk about indeed. This wasn't the first time Bella had had this discussion. It may have been the first time with Jasper, but the times she spoke of this with Edward had been countless. No extended period of time could pass after the whole incident with James in the ballet studio without Bella mentioning how badly she wished to be different, to be like Edward and his family. Perhaps the thought would not have been so pressing if Alice hadn't confessed that she had seen the change. Bella knew that the visions were subjective, but it was a vision nonetheless. It was a vision that Bella herself would have paid anything to be able to see through her own eyes.
But Edward never budged on his stance. He was insistent that things continue exactly as they were. Of course, he always reminded her that he would love her even when she continued to age, but it didn't sit well with Bella. The time, the constant progression drove them apart in her eyes and it was always in the back of her mind. Despite her desperation, his refusal had been resolute.
All too quickly, it was too late.
After everything happened in Volterra, Bella wished that the clock would tick faster, age her quickly, bring her closer to her inevitable death. Before that, she wished that things would go slower, draw out all the minutes, hours, days, years. But leaving her alive had been Aro's way of leaving her to suffer. He knew that without knowing the depths of the situation between her and Edward, and what losing him would mean. There would be no reason for Bella to want to live forever any longer.
Not until now. Not until Jasper healed her heart and in the process, captured it. The possibility of losing him, whether it was because of a ominous threat such as the Volturi, or because she was simply getting older in years, scared her more than any of the evils that potentially faced them.
Every one of his points was valid. But they had been ones that Bella had considered before and she could counter each and every one of them.
"Food? Sleep? I could do without those, Jasper. Sleep especially," she said, thinking briefly about how wonderful it would be to never have to fear having nightmares when she closed her eyes. The other things he mentioned were not so easy to give up, but Bella, again, could counter those as well.
"I'm not worried about losing human memories because we can make more. We'll have forever to make hundreds of new ones. Thousands. And you," she said, her eyes widening slightly. "You said that yours become clearer when you're with me. That could only mean that mine will be clearer when I'm with you," she reasoned.
Leaving Charlie and Renee would be the most difficult of the things that he mentioned. "I'll see my parents again," she said, vowing it more than simply stating it. "It… Even if it took some time, it won't be forever. And… I'll have you," she said. That was enough. Having Jasper would be enough.
"I have thought about what I'd be giving up," she said. "But I've also thought about what I'd be gaining." Her fingers lifted to trace over his cheek, brushing her thumb against his cold lower lip.
Bella was nothing if not stubborn. While she did not project this side of her personality all the time, it was very evident that once she wanted something or that she was going to do something, that was it. It was very difficult to sway her. Becoming a vampire was something she had become very adamant about. It had started with Edward.
Jasper never put himself in a position to compare the relationship she had with Edward to the relationship she had with him, but he had not assumed that her desire to become a vampire had carried over to the present. Had that wish died along with his brother, Jasper would have understood. Why would she still want to involve herself permanently with their kind?
Apparently she did, and she still was very passionate in her desire.
Jasper could feel how genuine she was and he knew she meant every word she said. The problem was, while he was certain that she meant it, he also knew she had no basis of which to rest those desires on. Bella did not know what it was like to live only on animal blood. She did not know the burning pain that engulfed a vampire's throat when he or she became thirsty, to be ruled by that thirst alone, to live in an eternity of the same day, to watch as the world was ever changing while you remained the same. And by giving up her mortality, she would be giving up her life. Even something as small as walking out of the house on a sunny day would be a sacrifice.
She believed she would be gaining more, but Jasper didn't think he was a fair trade off for all of those things.
Then again, he knew this wasn't something that was entirely an impulse for Bella. She'd wanted it before, without really giving it much thought. Since then, she'd seen the cruelty and evils of their world. She'd seen the danger, been traumatized, left devastated, and she still wanted to become a vampire. Jasper believed her, he just worried that even though she'd seen and endured all of those evils, she didn't know what exactly she would be getting herself into. Still, this was her life. Jasper could only say and do so much.
He pressed his lips to her thumb, then her palm, and lightly ran his hand through her long dark hair. He kept his eyes on hers, unable to tear his gaze away. "It couldn't be me, you realize," he said quietly. "I can't be the one to do it, Bella. I wouldn't be able to stop. Just the scent of one drop of blood and.." he trailed off, shaking his head. He knew he didn't have to retell that story.
"It's not just that, either. I told you before, whenever I bit humans in the past I could feel all their pain and suffering. I felt all their fear, their anger, their sadness, their guilt. Sometimes it crippled me for hours and days at a time. If I was to feel any of that coming from you, I'm not sure I could ever recover from that."
Bella didn't know how to rightly describe the way she felt when Jasper spoke. Like him, she did not like to compare her relationship with him to her past relationship with Edward and she didn't want to compare the brothers. But in this instance, she couldn't help but to recognize how vastly different the two of them were. Perhaps because she was so used to the way Edward would regard the subject, that she just thought that Jasper would follow suit and she would be left thinking up other ways to try and convince him why she felt so strongly on the subject.
That wasn't fair, though and Bella realized that. There was guilt in that realization. Especially after Jasper allowed himself to engage in the most intimate of acts with her, even after he'd seen the potential damage it could cause, Bella should have been more trusting that he would acknowledge her feelings. When he responded, she knew without a shadow of a doubt that he not only acknowledged her feelings, but he understood them as well. He actually listened to why she was saying what she was, why she wanted to give up her mortal life in order to spend an eternity with him.
That was the most important thing to her – that he realized how genuine she was in her want. He was the main reason. He was the most important thing. He needed to understand how important she regarded him – whether or not he deemed himself worthy of such a sacrifice. He was. Undoubtedly so. But Bella would spend the rest of that eternity trying to convince him if he had even the slightest hint of a doubt in that regard.
Bella nodded when Jasper explained that he wouldn't be able to be the one to actually administer the bite. Of course, if she had a choice, it would be him and no other. But she knew that it was still difficult for him and there was no reason he should have been ashamed of that. She had faith in his restraint, but he was naturally designed to not be able to stop once the flow of blood was in order, especially one that he initiated as he normally would his prey.
But there was more to it than that. Bella felt her heart pull when he explained that the reason he couldn't do it also had to do with the fact that he would be feeling what she was. She didn't want him to feel that pain that she knew would be paired with her transformation. She would never want to subject him to something that would in turn, cause him pain.
"I wouldn't ask you to," she said, brushing her fingers against his cheek again and moving them back to gently thread through his soft curls. "I don't want to be apart from you, but for that, I have to be," she said, gently scratching the back of his head. "It's only three days in exchange for an eternity. That's worth it," she said. "The result will be worth it." She curled into his side, kissing his neck and closing her eyes as she continued on as if speaking her thoughts aloud.
"Carlisle will do it," she said. He had more than once in the past. He could again without causing her harm.
Jasper closed his eyes and pressed his lips against her forehead as she started to caress and stroke his hair. If there was ever one gesture of affection that could calm Jasper down, and soothe him the most, it was that. The back of his head was especially tender, so every time she did that it left him feeling very relaxed. He gently splayed his fingers out against her back, then lightly began to stroke along the curve of her spine. What they were discussing was very serious, and they very well could have argued over it. But the way they were talking, they were listening to each other and making the effort to understand each other's concerns and points. Neither had truly wavered, but they had reached a level of understanding. Jasper had not outright denied her what she wanted, and Bella had not outright demanded it. They were equally addressing the other's worries, and doing the best they could to come to a conclusion.
"It's a lot to ask of him," Jasper said quietly, nuzzling into her hair. "Carlisle has never changed someone he thought had the choice. Though.. I.. suppose the Volturi have not exactly given us a choice as far as they're concerned." He frowned, but kept his face in her hair.
"We'll be able to discuss it more in depth, and with Carlisle, another time. The main focus is the Volturi, and dealing with them. I feel that as of right now, you're safest as you are. If you're changed, you'll be exactly what Aro wants you to be. He'll demand you come with him. I can't let that happen. The Volturi are all about following their laws. With you human, they won't take you. Especially if Carlisle is able to convince them that he does intend to turn you once a sufficient amount of time has passed."
He wanted to keep her as she was for now. From what Jasper knew of newborns -which was a lot- he knew Bella would become ruthless and bloodthirsty upon her transformation. He knew her thirst would rule her, and she would probably lose herself for a year or so. That was the norm for newborn vampires. It would be very difficult for him to see her that way. Jasper never wanted her to be in any sort of pain. But he loved her, and would always love her no matter what. They could flee the city, retreat to some place remote where she would be free to hunt as her thirst demanded and he would be able to take care of her, teach her about what she'd become.
"I love you," he whispered, and started to gently press kisses against her temple and down the side of her cheek. "We'll find a way to figure all of this out." He did not know what that answer was right now, but he would figure something out with Carlisle. "We'll have our eternity."
His tone was light, no more than a breath against her ear. Was that his agreement to her being changed? Maybe it was. Truly, he didn't feel it was his decision to make. It was Bella's, and it would always be Bella's.
"And I'll love you more and more with each day," he added, smiling just as he pressed his lips to hers.
There was no complete agreement, but there was no definite disagreement either. For now, that would be fine with Bella. She accepted what Jasper said and though his words might have hinted at the ends towards fulfilling her wishes when he mentioned they would have their eternity, Bella didn't press it any further or ask for clarification. The promise tickled her ear and sent a delicious chill up her spine. It didn't matter how they would arrive at that conclusion – just as long as the eternity part remained. That was all she needed to be happy for the rest of their days, however long they would progress forward.
Jasper was all she needed; her soldier.
"That's all I want," she assured him before returning his kiss. "I love you too," she added when she pulled back, leaning her forehead against his cheek and wrapping her arms comfortably around his torso.
What he'd said about the present time, about how she was safer being human for now, made sense. Though Bella was eager to be immortal, she could understand the importance of the situation all coming together correctly. First they would need to encounter the Volturi and he did have a point. It would buy them time if she was still a human and she had faith in Carlisle that he would be able to get his point across in order to allow for them to wait on it a little bit longer. She only hoped Aro would not be quite so insistent at that very moment and neglect what the Cullen patriarch was saying.
The thoughts were exhausting. There were a lot of other factors that would need to come into play. For one thing, Bella would need to figure out a way to get out of the house long enough in order to be present when the Volturi members actually showed up. With Charlie still so freshly wounded by the way she ran off, such a thing would be a definite challenge. Perhaps another one of the family members could offer up their insight on that as well, but in the meantime, Bella would try to think of all possible solutions. Being as it was summer, there was no longer school to worry about. Charlie of course had to continue working and he wouldn't always be around. Bella could defy him – as much as she hated doing it – if she needed to sneak out. The cause was of the utmost importance of course and she would risk more punishment for the sake of it if she was caught or unable to successfully avoid the situation of a confrontation with her father.
For now though, the exhaustion was overtaking her. Since she hadn't really slept, her eyes were beginning to feel heavy. Being with Jasper, of course, didn't help. Always, she wanted to stay awake with him for as long as she could, but at the same time, he was such a comfort even without the aid of his power that Bella couldn't help but to feel herself drifting off to sleep. She mumbled something unintelligible as her eyes closed again and sighed against the cool skin of his neck, nuzzling her face into the crook it made with his shoulder.
Within minutes, she was asleep, at peace with being with Jasper once more.
Author's Note: Finally we have talk of Bella becoming immortal. And that talk is the first of several to come. Next chapter will feature the Volturi coming to Forks for their visit with the Cullens. Please remember to review, follow, and favorite our story! Cheers!
Additional Note: Many of you have been asking whether or not Bella is going to have a baby and the answer is no. We have written a story before that follows that storyline in Breaking Dawn for Jasper and Bella and we may post that one day. But for right now, we're focusing on this story and in this one, Bella does not get pregnant. If our readers express interest in wanting it, we'll consider posting it, but again, it wouldn't be for awhile. What do you all think?
Lyrics: Come Away With Me - Norah Jones