I Said

Michelle Featherstone

Chapter 18

…..

Julian could only try to stay calm as he drove them to the hospital. Occasionally, he would look in his mirror to view the girls as they held each other and silently prayed.

He knew the feeling…praying….wishing for more time….memories of his grandmother crossed his mind. Seeing his grandfather cry…But he had to think straight and get them to the hospital safely.

"I didn't mean for her to wreck…." Maya cried. She didn't…all she wanted was for her mother to love them for who they truly were. She wanted her big sister to love herself.

"It's not your fault. No one is blaming you." Katie dried her eyes.

"You don't have to be so brave." Maya said softly and Katie nodded.

"I'll get us there as soon as possible." Julian said as Katie held Maya closer. Her phone began to ring.

"Katie your mom in on her way to the hospital….she was in a bad wreck…." Marisol screamed in her ear.

"We know…we are on our way…."Katie said trying to keep it together. She was guilty. She wanted her mom to go away and never come back. Now it seemed like it was happening. She didn't want her mom to die…and leave her. As much as she hated her, she loved her.

…

"You missed a good party." Alli sat on Clare's bed. Alli loved how her friend didn't mind as she expectantly showed up at her door step but Alli knew Clare. She didn't go because she knew Jake was going to be there. She knew Clare felt as if she was walking on Jake's territory in some odd way.

"I just didn't feel like going." Clare shrugged.

"This wouldn't have anything to with Jake…would it?" Alli batted her eyes playfully.

"Maybe…I still feel guilty…I know I did the best thing for me." Clare smiled looking at the text Eli sent her. "I Love you."

"You did….and he is moving on too." She said hoping she wasn't striking a nerve. "He was with Marisol." Alli shrugged.

"….Well…that's good. I knew she would make her way to him." Clare stated remembering how she broke down after seeing Eli move on with his life. "…but it isn't bothering me…I kind of feel relieved."

"Good."

"Should I feel this relieved? When I thought Eli moved on, it hurt so much. I didn't want to move on…then I did because he did…and now I went back to him…because I…."

"….Wanted too." Alli concluded. "Jake will get over it." Clare smiled at her friend's gift of always telling her what she needed to hear.

…..

Marisol rushed in the hospital leaving Jake behind as she tried to find Katie. Time stopped as she inhaled….exhaled…ignoring the sweat on her forehead…ignoring the pain her feet felt. She forgot to take her heels off.

She must have looked unkempt by the way the different medical professionals looked at her as she ran to the main desk. Gripping her hands to marble desk, she didn't realize she was talking so fast until the receptionist told her to calm down and talk slowly.

"Mrs. Matlin….Marie Matlin." She said with urgency as Jake caught up with her.

"….She is in room 909."

She rushed off as Jake stopped her. "What? I got to go to my friend."

"I know….but you are not going to be any help or comfort if you all over the place."

"You're right….I need you here to keep me thinking straight." She stated as they took the elevator.

….

All she wanted to do was cry…but her walls were rising again. She had to be strong for Maya and herself. She had to be prepared for what the doctor had to tell them. It was her duty as the big sister. She felt Julian rub her bad up and down…telling her he was there for them…but her mind was so far way…and he knew it….but he stayed with her regardless.

"Maya…we will get through this." Katie held her hand as the doctor came out of the room.

"Your mother…is resting….she's stabilized with a little head trauma….but she is coherent…."

"That's good…thank you. Can we see her?" Maya asked.

"Yes…but for a little bit…she can hear you." The doctor said walking off as they went inside the room. Holding each other's hands, they saw their mother laying there on the bed. Oxygen pumping in her nose…the occasional beep from the machine.

"I know you are mad at us…but we are so sorry….I am sorry." Maya kissed her mother on the cheek.

"We love you." Katie said as they walked out seeing Marisol.

"Is she alright?" Marisol asked. "Tori says call her."

"I could only tell her I love her." Katie said as she sat down by her friend. "I should be thankful. I wanted her here."

"No you didn't. You thought you did…and no matter the cruel thoughts you think about her…you don't want her dead because you love her."

"Where is Julian?" Katie said with distress ignoring Marisol's attempt to console her.

"…He went outside to take a breather. This is the same hospital his grandmother died."

"…I need to see him." Katie rushed off.

….

"You sure you are not upset or jealous?" Alli asked.

"…it's just awkward… She said as her phone rang. "Speak of the devil."

"You are so lucky…mom and glen are gone." She put the phone on speaker laying it on her bed.

"….I am…look I am at the hospital." He said in his nonchalant manner.

"Is everything ok?" Clare asked with concern. She noted that his voice that once brought her assurance did nothing.

"yeah…Katie's mom was in a wreck and I am here with Marisol." Jake rubbed the back of his head looking at Marisol begin to breathe slowly. She was obviously exhausted.

"….ok…tell her I am sorry to hear that." Clare and All said.

"I will…." He hung up sitting beside Marisol as he grabbed her hand.

….

Katie saw him pacing back and forth….like he was fighting himself. He was fighting his past memories.

"…Julian why didn't you tell me." Katie walked outside seeing him sit on the bench.

"It wasn't my place to say anything. You are dealing with your mom. You need me now."

"You need me too. I am worried about her…but…"

"…you don't have to be strong for everyone else. I can be your strength." He kissed her bringin her into his arms as she cried.

"I just want to not think about not losing her. Maya is the tough one. I don't want to let her down."

"Katie do you know how proud of you she is. "

"Do you know how proud of you your grandpa is?" Katie asked back looking as his face stiffened a little bit.

"He is Julian…I see the love in his eyes he has for you. I see how he has your trophies and pictures gathered together in the corner of the living room….it's a shrine be grateful because my mother never will be proud of me."

"Yes she will be." Julian held her.

"Julian I was so jealous of you when I saw your home. Your grandpa loves you so much and I know you grandmother did too…"

"but my parents…."

"at least you have two other parents." Katie said. "I wish I had that….keep it close to you. I have a father who is never really at home and a mom who might as well not be home either."

"I remember losing her…losing Macey…and I wouldn't wish that on anyone….but I knew she loved me…"

"And you need to hear that from your mother….I know you resent her…you and Maya…but you have to forgive and let it go."

…..

Jake came back from the vending machine with two coffees. This was one hell of a night. Never would he have guessed this all could happen. He saw Marisol sitting up…asleep.

Marisol was to hard on herself. She didn't see that she was being more than a best friend even now. He didn't know to many of his friends…at least here in the city…that would stay at the hospital all night for their friend. Why couldn't she show this side to everyone at school? Sitting their drinks down, he put his jacket on her.

"Katie…" Marisol said with sleep as she felt the slight movement.

"No its me…." He said. "You need some sleep. Come on."

"But what about…."

"She is ok….Julian has her." Jake said as she nodded taking her shoes off.

…..

Katie knew Julian was right. She was so glad he was there with the both of them. Anger…guilt….relief…frustration…were only the few emotions she felt. Looking at her mother through the glass window of the door, she cried…for herself and her mother.

Because her mother will never know…will never see how her emotional neglect and words hurt her daughters. She will never see how she would try to be the perfect daughter. Maya's words went in one ear and out of the other.

Placing her hand on the glass, Katie closed her eyes…trying to convince herself to hate her mother with all her might...but it was no use…and she didn't want to.

She would always want her mother's love and acceptance as a person.