Silently Suffering
Chapter 5 – Painkilling
Jenny woke up panting in horror. 'A dream, it was just a dream!' Jenny thought, trying to calm herself. It didn't help. She knew it was right. The dream confirmed what in her heart of hearts, she knew would happen. Louise would go to Uni; Jenny would make sure of that. But this would happen just when Jenny's problems were at their worst. And no one would be there to help when she 'hit the rock,'- when disaster struck. Louise had always been the one to make sure everyone was OK, including Jenny and their mum. Louise used to stand up to Martin when he tried to push them around. That's how it had always been, but now everything was changing. Pretty soon there would be no Louise to get them 'past the rock', around all their problems. And like in the dream when disaster strikes, Jenny would be very much alone.
As Jenny heard her uncle, James, walk up the stairs. She got up unsteadily; waiting for what she knew was coming. Her body still ached from the previous day's beatings, and after running so hard and fast with so many internal and external wounds, she didn't know how the rest of the day would progress. As expected James burst in through the door and stomped across the floor to Jenny, trapping her in the corner and pulling her up to his face by the front of her pyjamas.
"Why were you here yesterday? Why were you skiving?" He spat in her face angrily.
"I told you the truth!" Jenny whimpered and squirmed, desperately trying to get away from him, unsuccessfully.
"You're supposed to be keeping your head down but no. Instead you're hanging around my house, skiving from school. I wouldn't call that keeping your head down. Would you?" He yelled sticking his nose in her tear filled face.
"You were crying! Why? You're not sorry!" She whispered, confused. He looked at her and his face expression changed from angry, to sorry, to discussed, to sad, and to livid in what seemed like a matter of seconds. Jenny screamed in pain as he punched her hard in the stomach.
"And that's for sticking your nose where it doesn't belong! You think everything is OK but it's not! You don't belong here! You don't deserve to live at all after what you did to my sister!" He growled as he brought his hands to her neck and tightened them.
"I didn't mean to do anything! I'm sorry!" She managed to whisper from lack of air.
"You think sorry is going to bring her back? You think sorry is going to make everything OK?" His grip tightened. "It's your fault and you belong in hell!" He yelled as he dropped her to the floor as she gasped for air. Jenny doubled over from the blow he had dealt, clutching at her stomach. Just before James left he turned to her with his cold, harsh, unseeing eyes.
"There's more where that came from if you don't do what I say. So keep your head down, or else!"
Jenny walked down the road very slowly on her way to school, with more than enough beers stuffed in her bag and another in her hand. It was clear that James hated her so much because he felt that she hadn't looked after her mother, his sister well enough. He blamed the kids for her death, but why did he cover all of his true emotions from everyone apart from himself? Why was he punishing her? She was his own flesh and blood! Jenny had so many questions muddled up in her mind, hiding from everyone, but who could she talk to about any of this? No one! There were three more stages left from the dream; struggling, disaster, and death. James would kill her if anyone found out what had been going on. Someone probably would find out some time. What confused Jenny the most is that she didn't even know if that would be good or bad. She was feeling so confused at the moment with people, feelings, everything.
Jenny clutched her stomach in pain as she reached the school gates, every part of her body was screaming in pain. She only managed to conceal this with the amount of alcohol she had been taking in, in the past few days. As Jenny walked through the school gates, chucking the empty can in the bin, she hoped that the pain would die down over time as the alcohol went to her head, making her feel slightly giddy. She was quite late and spotted Mr Mead across the playground, waiting for the stragglers, and she concentrated in not showing any pain and not falling over. Not just for the embarrassment but if she did fall over, she wasn't sure she would be able to get up without any help.
"Come on Jenny!" Mr Mead called to her as she walked slowly inside. After Jenny had emptied some of the cans into her locker, minimising the weight, finding Sam waiting beside her, they headed to their form room.
"You took your time!" Sam stated as they arrived outside their form room. Jenny stopped and stared in horror at the words written on the board. 'CHILD ABUSE' read in bold capital letters across the PSHE board.
"Is this a wind up?" Jenny mumbled in as they both walked in through the door. "Why would it be a wind up?" Sam asked in confusion. 'Mr Mead told him about the bruises' was all that echoed through her head as Jenny stood in front of the chatty class. "Jenny, come on lets, go sit down!" Sam said as she tugged at Jenny's sleeve, but Jenny ignored her, and turned to face Mr Clarkson.
"Hello Jenny." Mr Clarkson said with a concerned expression.
"He told you, didn't he?" Jenny said quietly in despair.
"What?" Mr Clarkson asked.
"He told about yesterday after school!"
"Who's this?" He asked with a puzzled expression.
"Mead! I'm telling you sir, it's not true, he got it wrong!" Jenny desperately tried to cover it for unknown reasons.
"Mr Mead?" Mr Clarkson tried to keep up.
"Yeah, and I promise you sir, that it's really and truly not the case."
"Mr Mead told me what?"
"Yeah Jenny what are you going on about?" Sam asked, also bewildered.
"After school, yesterday, he told you everything. Else why would we be doing it in PSHE?" Jenny said in utter despair. Mr Clarkson turned to look at the two words on the board at turned back to look at her confused, and sympathetically into her eyes.
"Can you please just start from the beginning again because I am not getting any of this?"
"Oh my god, you don't know!" Jenny muttered slowly, shocked at what she had just done.
"Don't know what? I haven't spoken to Mr Mead since yesterday lunch, he's been so busy!" Mr Clarkson explained. As Sam pushed Jenny towards their table at the back Jenny swore and kicked the nearest desk hard, swinging her bag over the top.
"Oi!" Amy Porter cried, who happened to be sitting at the desk Jenny had kicked. Jenny paid no notice and sunk down into her chair, head in her hands.
"What's wrong?" Sam asked as she sat down next to her.
"I'm such an idiot!" She told herself.
"What was all that about?"
For the rest of the lesson, jenny wound herself up about what she had just done. 'He'll ask Mr Mead now! Between them they can work out what's been going on!' Jenny thought but in her heart of hearts, she was slightly relieved, like she'd just confessed something bad, like it wasn't up to her any more.
"Right, what type of people might abuse or hurt children?" Mr Clarkson asked as a few hands went up.
"Gangs!" Lauren said.
"Enemies!" Finn added.
"Good! Gangs or enemies might feel threatened or annoyed by your behaviour." He explained.
Sam hesitantly put her hand up. "Sam?"
"Family." The familiar situation could not escape Jenny's mind. Jenny immediately turned to Sam and looked at her as if to say 'What did you say that for?' Not realising that she had said it out loud.
"Cause it's true." Sam told her as Mr Clarkson carried on with the lesson.
"Ok now can anyone give any reasons why they might do something like this?" The same three people's hands shot up.
"Come on, some other people please." Everyone sighed and slowly a few other people put their hands up. "Josh?"
"'Cause they're mad." A roll of laughter was prompted from the class as Jenny shrank into her chair. Jenny felt her breathing slide slightly out of control as she struggled to gain control of herself. 'I'm not going to cry!' She told herself for the second time in two days. 'That would only make a scene which was not what I need right now!'
"Well, maybe they might be a bit crazy but…" He was interrupted by Josh.
"No, like, angry!" Josh informed him.
"Oh, ok and why would they be angry?" Tom asked, interested.
"Well maybe because of something that has happened, you know like, they need to let go of some anger that has been building up for a while."
"Very well done, anyone else?" He asked. Jenny's eyes welled up with tears, and she rested her head on the desk.
"Amy? Is that a hand up I see there?" Tom asked.
"No, I was just…"
"Come on, give us a reason." Amy groaned.
"Fine, er, maybe for revenge. Like the 'victim' did something or hurt someone!" Lauren started to add onto Amy's answer to strengthen it.
"Or, maybe didn't do something, like for example, let something precious to them die!" Lauren added.
"By accident of course," Tom added.
"No but it might not be!" Amy added, defensively.
"Ok, anyone else?"
Jenny couldn't fight it anymore. Tears cascaded down her cheeks and onto the desk. Jenny kept her head in her hands, against the desk.
"Come on, someone?" Tom asked desperately into the silence. "Jenny? You seem quiet today? Got a reason?" He asked hopefully. Sam looked down at Jenny, being the only one to see the tears falling down her cheeks and collecting on the desk.
"What's up?" Sam whispered. Jenny knew people would be looking over.
"Jenny?" Tom asked, suddenly realising Jenny out of character.
"I don't know sir!" Jenny desperately tried to hide her crying and keep the tone of her voice constant, and stop her from breaking into full sobbing.
"Anything at all?" He asked, trying to discretely get a look at her face, from the front of the classroom. Jenny decided to quickly give them a reason so they would just leave her alone.
"B-because they deserve it!" Jenny said quickly, covering her mouth to hide her sobbing.
"Why would they deserve it?" Tom asked, confused and concerned.
"Because whatever happened, it was their fault and they don't deserve anything. All they deserve is hell!" On the last word the sound of Jenny sobbing came out as clear as day. Mr Clarkson walked over as Jenny began to wipe the tears from her face but didn't lift her face from the table. He crouched down beside her.
"Are you OK?" He asked very concerned, seeing a few wet tears on her face.
"I'm just not feeling very well." Jenny lied.
"Do you want to go to the nurse, or for some air?" He asked.
"No, I'll be alright soon!
"Sure?"
"Yeah, I'm just waiting for the Paracetamol to kick in, that's all." She lied again as he nodded and headed back to the front.
"All right I want everyone to finish these sheets and hand them to me tomorrow!" Mr Clarkson told the class as the bell went. The lesson began to draw to a close, and Jenny regain control of herself and braved a look up at the other students. She was glad to see most had forgotten the incident and were packing up their things, getting ready to leave. As Jenny quietly did the same and started to head out, Mr Clarkson called her back.
"Jenny, Sam can I just have a quick word." Jenny walked back to him with a sigh.
"It's parents evening soon, so here are the letters about it. Can you get them back to me ASAP, hopefully before Friday?" They both nodded and after Mr Clarkson told her again; 'I'm always here if you ever want to talk."
Jenny and Sam headed to the toilets as Jenny redid her makeup and Sam waited, telling her about something as Jenny listened vaguely.
"The other day, I was walking down the road, and this guy came up to me and started trying to sell me drugs. I was like 'No thanks' and he was like 'Oh, were you hoping for something better?' I was like 'Fuck off, psycho, I'm NOT INTERESTED!' But he was such a weirdo; I'm not taking that shortcut again!" She finished.
"What was his name?" Jenny asked, to prove she had been listening.
"Oh, um, Craig Cartridge or something." Sam replied, slightly surprised. They both left for the next lesson; Chemistry.
"I'll just be a second okay? You go ahead!" Jenny told Sam as the corridors started to empty. She went to her locker to retrieve two cans of beer and emptied them into an opaque coke bottle.
"Where have you been? Hurry up and get your stuff out." Mr Mead told her as she entered the classroom and headed to the back to take her place next to Finn, Sam and Josh. Jenny took a long swig of the beer as she began to get her things out. Josh leaned in to get a smell of the 'coke' as Jenny put on the desk, getting her stuff out.
"That's not coke!" He exclaimed getting a strong smell of beer.
"Shut up!" Jenny said jokily with a smile on her face, already slightly tipsy.
"Drinking beer in Chemistry, whatever's next? Vodka in food tech?" Josh joked as Sam smirked.
"Pass it here!" Finn asked as Josh obliged.
"Hey give it back!" Jenny told him.
"No, if you're getting drunk, I am too!" Finn told her, deadly serious.
"Finn!" Sam exclaimed.
"Come on Sam, it'll be a laugh!" Josh told her.
"That back table, get on with the work!" Mr Mead yelled at them
"You can, but one of us has to stay sober to look out for you guys when you're not!" She laughed with them as Finn took a long swig of the beer.
"Let me have some?" Josh asked him as he passed him the beer. They carried on and before they knew it the bottle was empty.
"See what happens when you share beer with you guys!" Jenny joked.
"Don't worry; I can fill it up with vodka from my locker!" Finn said standing up.
"What?" Sam asked "You're not serious?"
"Course I am" Finn said as Josh and Jenny smirked at each other.
"Hurry up then!" Jenny told him drunkenly as Finn left.
"Jenny!" Sam exclaimed.
"What? We're just messing around Sam. Lighten up!" Josh told her.
"Yeah? And what if you get caught? It won't be so funny then will it!" She warned them as Finn swaggered back in.
"Where have you been?" Mr Mead asked as Finn sat down with an innocent look on his face.
"I was just filling this bottle up. Sorry sir!" Finn told him as he headed to the back.
"Catch up with the stuff on the board and then start the sheet!" He told him
"You're such a bad influence!" Sam told Finn as he grinned from ear to ear, handing them the bottle of vodka. "That's me!"
"Finn, Jenny, Sam and Josh… get on with the work and put that coke bottle away!" Mr Mead told them before turning back to the board. Before they knew it they were nearly all drunk, laughing and joking as the double lesson drew to a close. As they began to leave the room Mr Mead turned on them.
"I thought I told you to put that bottle away!" He told them.
"Oh yeah we will!" Josh and Finn said as Sam quickly slipped passed them tugging Jenny away to sober her up.
"Wait give it here, I want to see something!" Mr Mead told the boys.
"No you don't want this sir!" Josh said as he quickly swigged the rest of the vodka before Mr Mead could taste it.
"There's none left anyway!" He told him.
"Give it to me!" Mr Mead said forcefully as Finn hesitantly passed him the bottle. Mr Mead smelled the bottle and immediately knew what had happened.
"Right. I'm guessing you brought this in Finn? You two are in big trouble!" He told them as he led the way out.
"Sir, it wasn't just…" Finn began but saw Josh shaking his head.
"It wasn't just what?" He asked impatiently.
"Nothing sir!" They said as they followed him to the head's office.
Jenny and Sam walked outside and immediately heard Amy Porter boasting about her new boyfriend.
"The other day he got me into Club Santarino, you know the expensive one near the station." She boasted.
"Oh my god, that place is supposed to be amazing!" Lauren exclaimed.
"Yeah it was. He is so cool Lauren. You'd love him. He says he can get whatever I want whenever I want if you get what I mean. You know good quality stuff!"
"What like drugs and that?" Lauren asked shocked.
"Yeah! Cray's amazing!" Amy exclaimed loudly.
"You are so in love Amy Cartwright!" Lauren told her. At this point of listening to them talking, something immediately occurred to Sam. Sam began to laugh as Amy and Lauren looked over at her.
"Cray Cartwright! Oh my god!" She exclaimed.
"What do you know him?" Lauren asked her confused.
"Know him, he's an idiot! Doesn't ever occur to you why he can get you that stuff?" She asked amused.
"Yeah he has a few but he's not addicted or anything, it's just messing around and that!"
"Messing around?" She asked stepping forward challengingly. "Your boyfriend's a bloody dealer!" The crowd around started to laugh at Amy, after hearing what Sam had said. Amy looked at Sam and then around at the rumour spreading.
"You'll pay for that!" She said as she flung a punch at Sam's stomach. Sam dodged and the punch flew, full pelt into Jenny. Jenny screamed and doubled over in pain.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean…" She trailed off as Mr Clarkson came running over.
"Jenny? Are you okay? What happened here?" Mr Clarkson demanded. Amy started babbling vague excuses.
The voices started fading out as Jenny struggled to stay conscious. Her whole body was screaming pain and her mind was trying to shut the body down. If she fell unconscious they would look at her stomach to see how bad the wound was. They would find the other bruises. They would know, with the outburst in PSHE and now this, they would know what was going on if she fell unconscious. Then James would find out. He would beat her to death. That meant that her life could depend on staying conscious right now! But Jenny could already feel herself slipping away...