The Center of Attention

Zeus stopped midsentence as the catfight broke out from the courtyard.

"What the Deus? Hermes!"

"Sir?"

"Take care of that!"

"Me?"

"Yes, you." He pointed his thick finger out over the crowd. "They're bothering the guests." Hermes looked around. A few looked worried but most were giggling behind their hands and pointing. It was not unlike seeing a fight break out at a rock concert; great fun as long as it stays on the other side of the room. He looked back at Zeus to object, only to watch as his face rapidly came to resemble a thundercloud. Hermes groaned to himself. What it all boiled down to was no one was paying attention to Zeus. He wiggled his toes nervously but he didn't see a way to bow out. He was indispensable but most of the gods made fun of him for it. 'The Oompa Loompa of Mount Olympus', they called him. Hermes knew which side his bread was buttered on. He had to keep Dad happy.

"Yes, sir. It's completely unacceptable." He briefly observed the goddesses' struggle as a small golden ball passed in and out of view. He tightened the Velcro on his sandal straps and skipped over quick as the wind, easily slipping in to catch the object as it rolled between the clawed, grasping hands. As soon as he had it he leapt to the top of the fountain, but he still lost a feather off his sandal when Hera tried to grab him. He tried to speak loudly enough to be heard over their howls of frustration but low enough that Zeus couldn't hear. "Have you gone insane? It's Zeus's big speech! You know how this works." The goddesses didn't let up for a second, all of them reaching up and growling at him like the undead at the bottom of the River Styx.

"You slimy little bastard you give that back! It's for me!

"No, it's mine! Honey, please…"

"If you would just look at it you ingrate it would be obvious…"

"Look at what? How can a piece of gold possibly cause…" he looked at it.

TO THE FAIREST

Crap on a cracker. This is all about vanity? "Why don't we just calm down and settle this after the speech." They didn't even deign to answer him. He started hopping from rock to rock as Athena circled around to flank him while the others approached from the sides. He could hear the guests laughing out loud at them now. Well, at him. He hissed down at them.

"Stop. Stop it! Listen to that! You know what will happen if you keep this up!" They looked over at Zeus and paused to reconsider. They stopped their advance.

"Fine. Then you decide."

"Me?"

"You're always boasting about a good mediator you are. Prove it." He looked doubtfully at their faces. "You have no problem conforming to a judgment made by an inferior?"

"Of course not."

"As long as it's the correct judgment."

"Ditto."

This cannot end well. He looked back and forth nervously between them and Zeus, who looked ready to come down from the podium. He'd be lucky to keep his wings if that happened. Even so he saw no way to quickly stop the fight between the women. The gods have never been kind to the messenger of bad news. Being immortal just made it worse. He looked down into the water and knew what he had to do.

Pass the buck.

"My decision is", he said as he threw the apple down into the fountain, "ask him." Athena and Hera immediately let go of the rocks and dropped into the water. Aphrodite stayed a fraction of a second longer just to flip him off. Guess I've had my last date with her. He looked around as she disappeared. The other gods were staring in disappointment. No blood shed, not even a torn toga. It was all he would have expected from the bloodthirsty bunch but a little admiration for the quick conclusion would have been nice. "You're welcome" he shouted sarcastically. He looked at Zeus. He still looked furious. I cannot catch a break! "Hey, you never know, they could be gone for days." The purple left Zeus's face and a smile appeared like the sun breaking out from the clouds. That meant Hera could be gone for days. He turned back to the audience and began again, this time addressing his words specifically to a pretty wood nymph sitting underneath a tower of grapes. Hermes stalked off in silence. He was feeling the need for some 'me' time.

"As I was saying, although marriage is an unending, often torturous state of existence, you can always find a little happiness if you remember to…"