This whole story grew backwards and forwards from this point. Sheldon's related his 'trauma' in Florida before. When I heard Carrie Fisher tell her story about 'Florida' (delivered by Aphrodite here) on YouTube a rather deformed plot bunny was born. Plus, I always have mythology and fairy tales running through my head, so I decided to just go crazy with it.

Bad Company

Sheldon had his head in the sink while he tried to rinse his ears out. An enormous crash sounded behind him. He jerked in fright and yelped as he hit his ear on the faucet. He turned around, cradling his ear, and screamed. His death star had been destroyed and the coffee table had a crack running through it. He saw a shiny gold object drop off the table and roll under the couch. He ran over and looked incredulously at the closed, undamaged windows. He knelt down and reached under the couch. He pulled out a heavy, golden apple that he'd never seen in the apartment before. Before he could attempt to examine it he heard two soft thumps. He looked up and yelped again. Amy and Bernadette were suddenly standing in his living room.

"I thought you were at… How…" Sheldon stopped talking. They looked… wrong. Bernadette was wearing a princess wedding gown, which was odd, considering what Amy had told him about her plans for the evening. But the really disturbing thing was the outline of her shadow. It was far too large. It wasn't even to scale with Amy's, although she was standing right next to her; Amy, who had been quite clear on her aversion to costumes, yet even now was taking a Star Wars storm trooper helmet off her head, tucking it under her left arm. On the opposite shoulder sat Ricky. He was sitting uncharacteristically still and silent with his large, glaring eyes focused on his fingers as he wiggled them before his face. Sheldon really hated that monkey.

"Did that thing do this? Do you know how many months I've been working on this? Honestly, Amy! If you want to carry around an animal go get a..." Then Penny just appeared out of nowhere. Her breasts and hips had increased to Marilyn Monroe dimensions and her legs were an easy six inches longer. She looked like Missy's old Malibu Barbie doll. That is, if Barbie ever wore a slave Leia bikini outfit. He felt ill. He'd never realized how creepy Howard's action figure really was. He could only think of one thing to say. He pointed at Penny.

"Those proportions are not anatomically correct!"

"No. But they're anatomically awesome."

Bernadette stepped forward. The floor creaked loudly under her petite feet. The other two stepped back so that her unjustifiably large shadow did not touch them but stayed close. She began to speak.

"Sheldon Cooper. You have been chosen for a great honor." He wasn't sure why, but he didn't think he believed her.

"Uh-huh."

"I am Hera, queen of the gods. This is Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty, and this is Athena, goddess of war and wisdom. We require your judgment on a very important matter."

Is this really happening? His ear was swelling but his head had stopped buzzing. He didn't think a ladybug could chew through to brain matter that quickly. Bernadette, that is, Hera, pointed at his hands.

"It's quite simple. All you need to do is decide which of us that apple belongs to." He looked at it again. It was engraved: καλλίστῃ. He couldn't speak Greek but he took a chance on the theme he saw developing.

"To the fairest?"

"Exactly." He stared at them, then broke out in a breathy, nervous laugh.

"No, no, no, no, no! They forced me to read this story as an undergrad. Even if it was real it happened thousands of years ago."

"What does he mean?" Aphrodite asked.

"I've got this." Athena stepped forward and spoke soothingly to him. "Sheldon,"

"Yes, A… Athena?"

"Have you ever been on an astral plane?"

"No."

"Are you an immortal?"

"No. And unfortunately the math shows I never will be."

"I could show you the math for this but my companions can be a little impatient. Suffice it to say it doesn't matter what 'happened' in an old story. This is happening NOW. To YOU. So get ahold of yourself and focus on the task at hand. It should be easy for someone like you." Aphrodite stepped forward gestured down the length of her body.

"Just tell us who you find to be the most beautiful." He looked incredulously at the adulterated forms of his female friends.

"This can't possibly be what you really look like."

"Don't be ridiculous," Hera said. "The sight of us in our full glory, especially mine, would incinerate you before you could give us an answer. Suffice it to say these forms are representative of the whole package, based on your own mental dictionary."

"You honestly expect me to choose a winner without knowing her true image?"

"Just use your instincts."

"Instincts," he looked disgusted. "I think you should go ask Howard. Or, you know, anyone but me."

"That's nice, but we're asking you." He tugged at the collar of his thermal undershirt.

"May I offer you a beverage? I could certainly use one."

"Sheldon! Stop stalling!" He jumped.

"I'm sorry! I'm in the habit of evaluating quantitative, not qualitative data."

"We could strip if you need more… data." Aphrodite waggled her eyebrows at him. Hera looked game but Athena grimaced as she gave a perfunctory nod.

"If you insist."

"Good lord, no!" He regretted his outburst immediately. That's how Penny looks when she wants to hit me. He quickly qualified his answer. "Surely that would defeat any symbolic meaning in your costumes."

"Come on, sweetie. You have to consider the whole package." Aphrodite sat on the coffee table and tried to strike a seductive pose. She frowned and repositioned herself. And again. She adjusted the bottom of the bikini and nudged the bra where it was digging into her arm. Sheldon felt a moment of gratitude that he'd never seen the real Penny looking that skanky. He made a mental note to compliment her on her wardrobe if he lived to see her again. "This is very pretty but it doesn't move at all," Aphrodite complained as she looked down at it. A look of surprise came over her face, and she smiled as she stretched backwards across the coffee table, leaning on her elbows and curving her spine just a touch. She laughed. "Look at that! From this angle you can see all the way to Florida!" Sheldon shivered. I hate Florida.

"I lost my hotdog to a seagull down there."

Aphrodite hung her head back and smiled at him. Athena grunted in exasperation.

"Did we not just go over this? He doesn't talk dirty."

"But he just said…"

"He meant a SEAGULL and a HOTDOG, bimbo!" Aphrodite jumped up and stalked over to Athena, sharply poking her finger into her chest. The multiple layers may have explained why Athena showed no sign of pain.

"Stop talking to me like I'm stupid!" Sheldon tried very hard not to fall apart as the two began to insult each other. He remembered having to stand in the middle of the room this very same way while his parents fought. He wished he could he could muster the courage to move the foot he needed to sit down in his spot. The monkey jumped up and down on Athena's shoulder and hissed at the goddess of love. She spat back at it. "I don't care! He knows what a sex object's supposed to look like even if he doesn't know what to do with one!" The yelling increased in volume. He cringed at something particularly nasty Athena shouted. Hearing such vitriol spewing forth from someone who resembled Amy in so many ways was like having a glimpse into hell. Sheldon tried to swallow his rising panic and looked around desperately for a distraction. His eyes fell on Hera. She was smiling innocently at him with her hands demurely folded on the curve of her hoop skirt. He was rapidly losing his concentration but the enormous wedding gown she wore certainly qualified as a conversation starter.

"May I ask why, if you were officiating at someone else's wedding, as the story goes, you're the one dressed in…" The smile on her face vanished.

"What? You have a problem with my dress?"

"No! I'd never…"Her shadow darkened and now he could recognize the large shape as well as the grating voice that suddenly bellowed forth from her tiny frame. "I'M THE GODDESS OF MARRIAGE AND QUEEN OF MOUNT OLYMPUS! EVERYDAY IS MY SPECIAL DAY!" Aphrodite and Athena stopped yelling and stepped away from each other. Somewhere in the apartment, a common field cricket chirped. Athena cleared her throat and tugged down the front of her cardigan.

"Yes, some symbols are universal but there are always some surprises. Glaucus here as a monkey, that's a new twist, but you can always count on me to look like a librarian." Sheldon felt like he could cry with the relief that washed over him now that the fighting had stopped. He gave that breathy laugh again and waved his hands at her.

"Don't be silly. You look like an esteemed scientist." Athena blushed.