When this is all said and done, I might just combine this chapter with the last one. Opinions welcome. In the meantime…
The Kobayashi Maru
Hera and Aphrodite looked at each other, certain Sheldon was about to give the apple to Athena. Neither was known for being a good loser. Aphrodite rushed up to Sheldon and grabbed his arms. He jerked away.
"Look, just give me the apple and I will give you the most beautiful… I mean. The most willing…" She stopped and rolled her eyes to the ceiling. "Dammit!" Athena laughed.
"Didn't think that through, did you? You were saying, Sheldon?"
"Well, it was just a standalone statement of opinion. I didn't mean to…"
Hera stepped up to him. Even though he had her beat her in height Sheldon was positive she was looking down at him.
"Sheldon, you give me that apple now and tomorrow morning you will be named the new chair of the physics department with full funding control and decision making power. How does that sound?" Sheldon's ears perked up.
"But that's Dr. Gabelhauser's job."
"Well, he's not immortal either, is he?" Aphrodite shoved back in between them and waved her arms frantically for him to wait.
"Oh! Your own slave! A maid for life!" Aphrodite turned back stuck her tongue out at the others before continuing. "You hate dirt, am I right? Plus, if you're ever, you know, bored, she'd be more than qualified to show you the cruder things in life." Athena quickly moved to Aphrodite's side and spoke out of the side of her mouth.
"What are you doing?" She said out of the corner of her mouth. "What about you know who?" Aphrodite didn't even try to be quiet.
"Whatever. I want to win. Anyway, I bet she'd be grateful if he learned something."
"But…"
"Come on, Shelly." Aphrodite did a little belly dancing move. "I can make her green!" Athena waved her hands at her. Why should she be the only one playing fair? She could play dirty, too.
"Dr. Cooper, pick me and before you die you will see Sheldonopolis become a reality. Not just the name! I'm talking the true vision of your 'Brave New World'. Your name will live in glory forever!" He stroked his chin thoughtfully. This was definitely an easier set of criteria to evaluate than something as subjective as 'beauty'.
"Hmmm…" He turned to Aphrodite. "Well, you can't own someone, at least not since…" Aphrodite looked at him blankly. "1863. And notwithstanding the negligible increase in social status I would receive from a slave, I already have Leonard." He turned to the others. "You see he's responded so well to the conditioning and the legality of the Roommate Agreement approaches indentured servitude anyway. Not to mention…"
"Yes, but…" Sheldon ignored Aphrodite.
"…he'd probably just engage in coitus with her the first chance he had and then no one would be cleaning. So, it's a choice between an immediate short cut to power over and respect from my so-called peers or a guarantee of future success in my dreams to better mankind." Hera jerked her chin at Aphrodite.
"Why don't you run on home, sweetheart? We'll tell you later how it turns out." Sheldon had turned away, intent on going to his board to enumerate the points in favor of either reward. Aphrodite cut him off and shoved him back towards the couch.
"Hey!" He shouted. "Stop touching me!"
"You think you can dismiss me just like that?" Seduction wasn't the only way Aphrodite got what she wanted. Psyche would have warned him if she'd been there. "Maybe you've been lying to yourself for so long you actually BELIEVE you don't care about love. Well right now that's an OPTIONAL lifestyle choice. So help me gods, if EITHER of them walks out of here with that apple your genitalia will be neither functional NOR aesthetically pleasing!" He covered his crotch and whimpered. She whirled back towards the others and brushed her chin at them. "Go suck on that!"
"What the hell?" Hera shoved Athena to the side so hard she nearly fell over and Glaucus did. She shook her finger at Sheldon, once again channeling the voice of Mrs. Wolowitz better than any 19th century medium ever could.
"You listen to me, freak! Do you think Nobel Prizes get handed out just for the 'science'? How the hell do you explain Al Gore? You give it to her and I don't care if you invent time travel, you will NEVER get a Nobel Prize."
"B-b-b-but, I'm supposed to… That's not fair!" He was so flustered he nearly stuck his fingers in his mouth before he remembered the germs. He looked at Athena as she steadied herself and Glaucus climbed back up to her shoulder. He wasn't very good at reading emotions but he thought she liked him. If she was willing to give up her claim and come over to his side he might be able to get through this. He gave her his best koala smile. Athena sighed.
"I can't lie; I couldn't bear to harm such a beautiful mind." Sheldon's smile became genuine.
"Perhaps you could offer me some protect… "
"However", she said as she looked him in the eye. "If you don't give me that apple I will ensure you never win another game of Halo so long as you live." Sheldon stood stock still for a full minute. Finally his voice came back as he began to quake.
"Oh, lord." His eyes darted rapidly between the goddesses. He began to hyperventilate.
"Oh, lord!" Aphrodite couldn't believe it.
"You have to think about this?" What was the world coming to when threatening a man's penis didn't instantly get you what you wanted? Sheldon's eye began to twitch and he started to stutter.
"What is he doing?"
"Is that Japanese?"
"I think he's about to..."
X
X
X
Sheldon came to almost immediately. He could hear the goddesses talking over his head even though his vision was still out.
"….hell is a Kobayashi Maru?"
"How should I know? I do wisdom, not trivia." The monkey chittered. "Star Trek?" Sheldon blinked and looked up. Athena was looking doubtfully at Glaucus as he blew a raspberry and threw out all his appendages like a tiny bomb going off. "It means a no-win situation," she told the others. She looked down at him with something close to pity. "Poor thing's spot on about that."
"That's not our problem." Sheldon sat up and tried to nonchalantly brush loose Legos off his spot. He pulled himself up into it as if he were in the middle of trench warfare, careful not to extend any appendage, especially his head, one millimeter further out than he had to. Once he was back where he belonged he took several deep breaths in an effort not to pass back out.
"So?"
"I just need to gather my thoughts."
"Look, you have to make a decision. This is non-optional."
"Just a minute."
"Just suck it up and stop stalling!"
"Ladies, please!" They finally fell silent. Sheldon's eyes went unfocused as he tried to work through the problem. Spock always has the answers. Spock found a solution to his Kobayashi Maru. Sheldon grimaced. Oh, but he died. He shivered. Not preferable. He leant forward in concentration. Why did they come here, anyway? Sheldon began to unconsciously toy with the chain dangling from Aphrodite's collar as he scribbled notes across his mental whiteboard. Were they were admiring my spot? Aphrodite giggled. He became aware of what his hands were doing and dropped the chain like a hot potato. Good Lord, Cooper, concentrate! He picked the apple back up and squeezed his eyes shut. Spock doesn't have the answer I need. Not this time. He tried to let his mind wander in an attempt at free association.
He remembered Mom giving him a rubber bracelet last year she said would help him in new social situations. He had thrown the piece of junk away immediately but once he experienced anything he could never forget it. Not that he could see how asking WWJD would help him here. His mind was suddenly open to possibilities of creation that weren't necessarily mathematically proven but he shuddered to think what might happen if he tried to call on the name of an as yet unproven deity when there were three undeniably angry ones hovering over him right now. Where does that leave me? Of course! Only one man has beaten the Kobayashi Maru and lived. The goddesses wondered if Sheldon had begun praying when they heard him softly mutter an unfamiliar chant.
WWKD
WWKD
WWKD
WWKD
WWKD
WWKD…