Party's Over

Guilt or not, the girls had been sure to discuss ground rules before the night was officially 'on'. The first rule had been laid out by Penny weeks ago. No hands- just loofas. The second rule was that all body parts had to be named aloud before touching. The third was no pictures or mementos. In fact, they would never speak of it again. After they'd agreed to that Penny hadn't seen the need to talk about anything else. A few bad dates when she was younger had taught her that spelling out too many rules just encouraged people to start looking for loopholes. But Amy never realized when enough was enough. Penny couldn't give two shits about the tedious, trivial details Amy insisted on babbling on about. Women's history or geographic growth regions or certified ingredients or blah, blah-blah, blah, whatever else Amy insisted on sharing. Penny didn't want to think about any of it again until she had to. And when night finally arrived she just wanted to go full speed ahead and get it over with. The only question she had for Amy as she drove her to Howard's was whether she was sure this 'authentic' body paint was safe. Amy showed her a test mark she'd made on her own arm earlier that day. It was still very well defined and there was no sign of burning or irritation. Penny said that was all she needed to know.

That was a mistake.

XXXXXXXX

The room was full of steam and the scent of eucalyptus. Penny recognized the scent from Sheldon's vapor rub. She kept flashing back to having to rub it on his chest when he was sick. This wasn't that different. She'd rather be anywhere but here but it wasn't as bad as she'd thought it would be. There were loofas everywhere. Penny had brought extras so there'd be no need to search for them under the bubbles in case one was 'accidentally' dropped. As they approached the tub Bernadette reminded Amy again about the ground rules. Amy had been horrified at the suggestion of funny business in the water but not because she was offended. After regaling the girls with tales of women who had suffered burns or even drowned after getting their hair caught in Jacuzzi jets, the girls had to have another drink and kill the power to the tub before they could bring themselves to step in. Penny reminded Amy again to please stop talking so they could 'bond better'.

Amy hummed happily while she scrubbed Bernadette's back. She kept using the scientific names to name her body parts (to be as specific as possible) whenever she moved more than an inch. Penny had to keep nudging Bernadette and asking her to translate. How could there possibly so many words for 'back'?

"I never knew how dirty Latin was, or is it just me?" Bernadette shook her head and patted Penny's arm.

"It's you."

Penny struggled not to pass out as she scrubbed. Bernadette was yawning too, but then she started to squint at her arm, unsure if she was seeing right without her glasses on. Penny tried to focus on what Bernadette was looking at. She wished she hadn't.

The symbols aren't washing off. They aren't washing off! Amy stopped humming. Penny looked over Bernadette's shoulder at her. Amy looked worried. Penny felt her stomach drop.

"What did you say you used again?" realizing she'd never really asked.

"Lawsonia Inermis. The traditional English name is Camphire." She squeezed some more body wash onto her loofah and scrubbed as hard as she dared at one of Penny's hearts. "Sheldon helped me order it from a reputable vendor. I'm positive it's the right stuff. But," she looked up Penny. "I seem to be having trouble getting it off." Bernadette swayed in the water and rubbed at her chest. Alarm was starting to penetrate her happy alcoholic fog.

"Penny?" Penny tried to shrug nonchalantly.

"Maybe you just need some lotion or something to get it off. You know, like mascara. Let me just look it up on my phone." She grabbed the orthopedic assist bar and pulled herself out of the tub. Bernadette grabbed the edge of the tub and waved a soapy finger after her.

"Don't you dare bring that thing in here!"

"I won't." Penny nearly fell over as soon as she stepped out of the tub. All she needed was to end up in the ER with a dislocated shoulder again. "Amy? Why don't you come… help me with the spelling." And keep me from killing myself. She grabbed a towel and slung her arm around Amy's shoulder as they dripped around the corner to the walk-in closet. She pulled out her phone and typed in the name. It popped up right away. Amy wasn't the first person to use it for body art. Shit.

"Henna? Amy, that can last for weeks!" The blood drained from Amy's face.

"What's taking so long out there?" Bernadette yelled after them.

"Weeks? No, that can't be right! I told Sheldon it just had to remain indelible up to the point we got in the bath." She grabbed the smartphone and searched some more. "Don't panic. It's fine. Methanol combined with mild scrubbing will reduce the strength of the dye until it disappears in…" she looked up…. "Oh, no." She put the phone down and slowly walked back into the bathroom. "Bernadette, do you need to go out in public for the next, say, three to four days?" Bernadette was a smart girl. She'd just gotten her PhD, after all. She knew what Amy was getting at. She looked at Penny as she staggered in after Amy.

"Penny, am I hearing her right?"

"I'm sorry Bernadette. It turns out it's… well, henna." That's when everything went to hell.

Bernadette practically levitated out of the bath. Soap suds flew everywhere as she wildly gesticulated and one of her pretty pink hair clips fell out as she shook with rage.

"I cannot walk around with genitals on my hands! I'm supposed to have lunch with my director on Monday and I'm taking Howard to meet my parents tomorrow!" Amy looked like she was about to cry.

"I'm sorry. I was just trying… I didn't know…" Bernadette climbed out of the tub, murder in her eyes. Penny stepped between them.

"Wait, wait, wait!" A memory was teasing her through the rum and panic. With the door wide open she could smell the stink from the kitchen again. Howard's mom is going to kill Amy if Bernadette doesn't beat her to it. Come on, Penny. Something like this happened to… someone I know… once. She tried to think.

"The whore of Omaha…" she said aloud. She cheated on everybody but that time...

"Do you think this is funny? Get out of my way, Penny!"

Penny giggled. She remembered. The tattoo artist. Penny's stomach was getting upset. She burped and tried to keep it down a little longer. She grabbed Bernadette as she tried to push by her and pulled one of her pornographic hands up to her face. "I betchya… what d'ya wanna bet I can change this into a pretty lil' butterfly?"