Morning everyone! Oh okay its afternoon here in LALA land… even still, it's morning somewhere!
Let's see how Edward is doing (and overreacting to be sure) after the library.
SM owns Twilight…. Me? I just want deleted extras… yes, I'm a perv like that…
Something I Can Never Have- NIN
~~oo~~
Chapter 13: I knew she was crying.
EPOV
"Shit."
"Shit! Shit shit shit!"
I pounded on my steering wheel harder with each exclamation.
What did I just do?
She'll never talk to me now.
Let alone let me touch…
"SHIT!"
I drove around aimlessly, avoiding going home so that I could keep my mouth shut over what I had done.
Lie.
I could just lie to Carlisle.
Of course every time he discovered my lies, I would lose my privileges.
What would she cost me?
Internet?
Phone?
My car?
Fuck.
I didn't care anymore. He could take it all now.
Long after it was dark, hours after I should have been home, I finally pulled in to the house. I could see the lights on still. He would still be up. And demand what had happened.
Because everything about my actions related to my issue.
I sighed into the steering wheel and sat there in the dark for a few minutes.
I could get through tonight.
I always did.
But tomorrow.
How did I get through tomorrow with Bella upset with what I had done?
I hadn't meant to.
Fuck.
Why did she have to come here?
Why did she have to be what I wanted?
Why did it have to be her?
Shaking my head at blaming her, I slowly crawled out of the car so that I could go inside and face the music, so to speak.
But instead, I heard a very different kind music as I stepped inside.
The piano, coming from the back room.
I looked around carefully, expecting Carlisle to be around every corner, waiting to spring some intervention trap on me. To my surprise, he was nowhere to be found, and as I turned the last corner to the music room, I swallowed down my torn emotions on my fucked up life.
Esme sat there at the piano, playing a soft tune she had always played for me when I had first arrived with them. It had been the only comfort I had found. It was like my security blanket, my special stuffed bear. She had written it herself, and it was the comfort I needed right now.
Esme's song calmed me and drew me into the room silently, her playing never wavering even when I moved in to sit beside her. Her hands slipped away as mine took over the melody, my breath coming more smoothly as I felt the music wash over me at my fingertips.
How had I forgotten this?
I missed this so much.
Life had become so convoluted the last year or so. I had given up something I had enjoyed. A childhood joy exchanged for something more mature, but so much less gratifying. I missed being the little boy who knew very little about life.
I missed this.
My fingers played over the keys, another song I knew by heart echoing in the air. I felt my mom lean into me, her arm rubbing slow circles across my back, so soothing.
Did she know that this would calm me?
Did she know that I was lost?
"I missed you," she whispered, her voice thick with emotion.
I knew she was crying.
She always did when I played, but this was more.
"I missed you, too," I murmured and let my fingers still over the keys, resting lightly over them without sounding them in the air.
"We'll figure something out, Edward," she continued, her hand rubbing over my tense shoulders. "I promise. It'll get better."
I shook my head and kept my eyes on the keys. I didn't want to see her disappointment.
"I have dinner set aside for you. Are you hungry?"
I shook my head and played a few notes, my thoughts swirling in my head over the events of the day and the sudden rekindling of feelings over the music.
"I want to play for a while," I replied softly.
She leaned in and kissed me on the cheek, sliding off the bench to give me my space. She was at the door when she turned back and called after me softly. I finally drew my eyes up to look at my mom, her smile tender as she spoke.
"When you're ready, Edward," she said. "I'm always here for you."
She closed the door behind me, leaving me to play in solitude.
I expected Carlisle to interrupt me while I was in there; sure he knew it was probably an avoidance tactic. He'd need to know about today, and wouldn't give me this time I needed. But in all honesty, the music was therapeutic in a different way. While I played, my mind drifted over everything troubling me. I could look at it from a different perspective when my hands and body worked to make music. It was like being two people at once. And with that, I could think a little more clearly. Without the body interfering.
Why hadn't this been a day before, so that what happened today would not have happened?
My hands stuttered against the keys and I stalled them again, leaning my head low. I closed my eyes and tried to control my breathing. But even I could tell I was choked up.
I had fucked up everything.
I had scared her. She would never forgive me.
I was sure by the look in her eyes, she was outraged.
Nothing I could do but apologize and hope she didn't press assault charges.
Maybe jail time was what I needed.
Then I'd never see her again.
Even now, having terrified her, I wanted to see her again.
Tomorrow.
Today, if I looked at the clock right as I slowly made my way to my bedroom.
I was exhausted, so much so that I collapsed in my bed, still clothed.
It didn't matter.
I was in no mood to do anything but hope for no dreams.
For once, my dreams didn't tease me.
I slept with no thoughts.
And when the alarm went off, I simply rolled out of bed and put my shoes on again, not caring about my clothes or the state of my hair.
Or my dick. It could stay hard for all I cared.
I only cared about one thing.
Saying I'm sorry.
And hoping she didn't hate me.
~~oo~~
AN: I know, poor Edward. And before you bombard me with questions, no. This incident did not CURE him. He still has issues, but perhaps Esme is onto something with this music thing...
Moms do know best…
Another chapter later tonight! I have plans for this next week for these two! Drabbles… The suspense is killing me!
MWAH!
steph