Santana.
It's Friday and that always reminds me of when it was date night with Brittany. My heart beats in a different rhythm on Fridays as if it's anxious for her to show up out of nowhere and surprise me. I was late to class this morning because I woke up more hungover than I planned. I remembered falling asleep on the phone with Brittany but my phone had died some time during the night.
I'm sitting here in my music class wondering if I'll be called to perform today. Last week we were told to find an alternative song with lyrics that mean something to us and our dreams for the future. I knew exactly what song to choose when I heard the assignment. I printed the sheet music that same day and had practiced all week.
I've been doodling on this sheet music for awhile now and I didn't realize when the guy at the front of the class started to sing along to the track he put on. I finally fade back into the classroom towards the end of the song and listen to the lyrics.
What if I say I'm not like the others? (Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays? (You know they all pretend)
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
So who are you? Yeah, who are you? Yeah, who are you?
I recognize the song because I've always loved the foo fighters. It's not long before the blonde guy with green eyes takes his seat in the front row. The professor returns to the front of the classroom and they're talking about the significance of the song to our assignment. I tune out and think about Brittany. I wonder how schools going for her today and if she's thinking about me as she suffers through her lessons. I'm staring down at my paper and trying not to make eye contact with the professor.
"Santana Lopez. You're up." She speaks clearly and my head shoots up to look at her. She's smiling at me now and I force a smile towards her. I stand up with my sheet music and the instrumental cd I made with the track for todays assignment. I put the cd into the stereo and turn towards the class. They're all staring down at me with interested looks on their faces while I fiddle with my fingers. I haven't performed since glee club because this is our first singing assignment for the semester. We had started off with analyzing lyrics and song structure and just moved onto this. The music starts and I take a deep breath before singing the first line.
I settled down a twisted up frown
Disguised as a smile, well
You would have never known
I had it all
But, not what I wanted
'cause hope for me was a place uncharted and overgrown
You'd make your way in
I'd resist you just like this
You can't tell me to feel
The truth never set me free
So, I did it myself
You can't be too careful anymore
When all that is waiting for you
Won't come any closer
You've got to reach a little more
More
More
More, more
Open your eyes
Like I opened mine
It's only the real world.
A life you will never know
Shifting your weight
To throw off the pain
Well you can ignore it
But only for so long
You look like I did
You resist me just like this
You can't tell me to heal
And it hurts remembering
How it felt to shut down
You can't be too careful anymore
When all that is waiting for you
Won't come any closer
You've got to reach out a little more
More
More
More, more
The truth never set me free
The truth never set me free
The truth never set me free
So, I'll do it myself
You can't be too careful anymore
When all that is waiting for you
Won't come any closer
You've got to reach out
Can't be too careful anymore
When all that is waiting for you
Won't come any closer
You've got to reach out
More
More
More
More, more
When I finish the song I let out a deep breath and looked out into the classroom. People were standing and clapping. I smiled and nodded my head towards the audience in a thank you of sorts. The teacher is smiling up at me and I'm just wondering what she's about to say to me. I walk towards my chair and she walks back up to the front.
"So... Santana, what does that song mean to you when put into perspective?" She asks. I smile weakly up at her and look back down at the sheet music in my hands.
"Well. All my life I've hid behind these walls I built to keep people out and keep myself at a distance so I wouldn't be hurt. It was all an act to begin with, a way to become popular and gain an image I thought I wanted. Then when I had everything I thought I wanted, it hit me that I never really cared for any of it. What I really wanted I was too afraid to go for and all the things I'd acquired along the way were just a formality of sorts. To me the song means I'm done hiding behind those walls and I'm ready to reach out and face the hard stuff to go for what I want and take the chances I need to in order to get where I'm headed. It means I'm ready to chase after my dreams and do anything to achieve them." I explain. The words flow out of me with so much truth that my heart starts to hurt at the realization that I'd never been so honest to anyone before, with the exception of Brittany and maybe even Quinn a time or two in my life. If I were standing in front of the glee club discussing this lesson, I still don't think I would have been so honest with the meaning behind my choice of song.
"Wow, that's very insightful. You took the lesson and went above and beyond what I expected and I hope others take notice of your brave choice." She says with a smile. People are looking at me now with that expression that says they're annoyed with my talent and ability to impress the professor while they choose to do the bare minimum. I'm not here to make friends, while maybe that would be nice but I've never really cared much about people liking me.
A few more people perform as I mess around on my iPhone and try not to pay attention. The class ends without me realizing it was time to leave and I'm left in the room alone with the professor as everyone files out. She walks up to me and stands in front of my desk as I gather my things together.
"You have an amazing voice. I was quite surprised when you started singing. I haven't heard raw talent like that within these walls in years. I hope you chase your dreams and make it wherever you wish to be." She says before walking past me and out the door. I smile at the compliment and head towards the door after I've gathered everything up. When I walk outside into the hall I feel a hand tap my shoulder. I turn to see the blonde guy who sang foo fighters is standing there with a bright white smile. I force a smile back because I'm not sure exactly why he's trying to talk to me.
"You were really great up there. I loved your performance." He says and we start walking down the hallway towards the exit.
"Thanks. You were good too. I love the foo fighters." I say. He smiles and readjusts his backpack on his shoulder nervously.
"They're my favorite band... so.. actually, I was wondering if you wanted to maybe hang out sometime? I could get your number and give you a call to set something up." He says hopefully. I smile down at my feet because I'm used to guys thinking they have a chance with me. I mean if this was a few years ago I'd be all for it in order to keep my straight, popular, cheerleader image. But I've grown out of that and accepted myself and my sexuality, there's no use in backtracking.
"I'd be down with hanging out but I have to warn you that if you're looking for anything more than friendship you're barking up the wrong tree. I'm not exactly interested in the sausage and meatballs you've got between your legs if you get what I'm trying to say here." I explain with a smirk. He tilts his head in confusion and then his eyes flick back to mine with a knowing look.
"That's cool. I get it, we could totally chill and be friends. I mean there's not much I can do if you're looking for a V where I have a P." he jokes and my anxiety level shoots back down to normal. That was easier than I thought it would be and surprisingly refreshing.
"Here's my number. Call or text me sometime and we can get together. I know we're both new on campus and I could sure use some company." He says before writing down his phone number on a piece of paper.
"Calvin." I read from the scrap of paper and he smiles at me.
"I'm Santana." I say and he nods.
"I know. I heard the teacher say it. I couldn't help but pay attention when the most beautiful girl in the room walks up to the front... not trying to be a creep or anything... just sayin'." He explains with a quirky smile and I laugh at his honesty. He kind of reminds me of a mature blonde version of Puckerman which makes me think we might get along pretty well.
"Well, I'll see you around Calvin. Thanks for the compliments." I say before parting ways down another hallway and walking towards the parking lot.
I only have that one class on Fridays and then I have a few hours before cheer practice starts. I get back to my dorm and flop onto my bed almost instantly. I turn on my computer and sign onto skype. Quinn is logged on and I click her name to send a call. Her voice echoes out of my speakers a few seconds before her face pops up on my screen. She's smiling at me and I'm smirking back at her.
"To what do I owe the pleasure?" She says. I roll my eyes because it hasn't been that long since we last talked.
"I have a few hours break between class and practice... I was bored and you were online... feel special Fabray." I say. She laughs and throws her head back allowing her whole body to laugh along.
"I'm more excited than Noah at a sorority car wash." She jokes. I laugh at this and roll onto my back taking my laptop and setting it on my stomach.
"You look cute." She says and she's walking through her room before she sits down at her desk and sets the laptop down.
"Thanks. Had to perform in class today. The teacher said I gots mad skillz but we already knew that. I had to show 'em how we do it New Directions style." I joked.
"What song did you sing?" She asks curiously.
"Careful by Paramore... it's a bit out of my element singing wise but I totally nailed it. The assignment was to choose an alternative rock song that has something to do with pursuing your dreams... it's practically perfect for me." I explain. She nods along while I speak and then I hear the song start playing on her end.
"Oh! I love this song. It really is perfect for you." She explains before stopping the music.
"Speaking of perfect for you... when are you and Brittany going to get back together?" She asks with a shy smile across her lips.
"Q. Do you have to bring this up every time? Don't you think it's hard enough without being reminded by every one around us that we should be together. I mean it's not like we broke up because we don't want to be together. If we could be... we would be. Timing just hasn't been our friend in life." I tell her with an annoyed tone. She shrugs and waves her hands at the camera.
"Okay, don't let snix out I was just asking."
"You're lucky I'm not opening her cage right now because she'd tear you a new asshole. I'm still stuck on the high from performing for the first time since glee club... I forgot how much I loved it." I admit. She smiles that dopey 'I'm proud of you' smile and I roll my eyes at her.
We go on for another half hour catching up with one another on school life and what our plans for the holidays were. We finally hang up when Brittany is calling her. Deep down a sting of jealousy hits my stomach because I wish it were me Brittany was calling. I wonder what she's calling for and if they'll talk about me. It's not my business really because Brittany needs someone other than me to talk to about our situation. About fifteen minutes after we hang up, I'm laying in my bed and I hear a knock at my door. My heart jumps at the sound and I realize I should get up to answer the door.
"Who is it?" I say when I reach the door.
"It's Olivia." I hear from the other side. Olivia is on the cheer squad with me and she's the one who talked me into hitting up that party last night. We're kind of friends I guess but I think she likes me more than I like her. I guess I'm just not used to being friends with anyone except Brittany, Quinn and sometimes the glee losers. As much as I always hated to admit it back then, they really were a great group of friends sometimes.
I open the door and she smiles before walking inside towards my bed. She follows me over and sits down next to me on the bed.
"So what's up?" I ask curiously.
"I was bored and wanted to see if you were hungry... we could go get lunch before practice." She suggests. I feel my stomach growl at the mention of food so I agree to her invite and we head down to the cafe across the street from our dorms.
After we order food from the waitress, we're sitting across from one another looking around the room awkwardly. I've never really hung out with her alone before and I honestly don't know what she's like outside from cheering together. All I keep thinking is that she's not Brittany and I wish Brittany were here having lunch with me. The only thing that's remotely close to resembling Brittany when it comes to Olivia is that she has blue eyes. They aren't as bright or captivating as Brittany's but they are very pretty. She smiling at me now and I realize I've been staring and analyzing her without noticing. Her dark red hair falls freely with waves flowing down to where her ribs meet her stomach and she has hundreds of freckles spotted across her nose and cheeks.
"So... are you excited for tomorrows game?" She asks and I shrug.
"I guess." I reply even though I'm not excited at all. After winning three national cheer leading championships in high school, I was kind of over the whole cheerleading thing. The only reason I came here is because Brittany went through all that trouble to get me a scholarship and I wasn't going to let it go to waste.
"Well at least after tomorrow we have a few days off from practice." She replies. I nod and look around the room at all the other tables eating their food.
"I'm used to nonstop practices from when I was in Cheerios. Our coach was a raging bitch that had no grip on reality whatsoever. Her life purpose was to win at anything and everything while making everyone elses lives miserable." I explained and she laughed softly. Her eyes flicked down to my lips and back up to my own in a brief instant. I noticed and it made my stomach do a flip because I couldn't believe what I'd just realized. I remember the few times I'd seen her staring at me during practice or trying to talk to me in the locker room. I remember the passing smiles and curious looks in my direction. I couldn't believe my gaydar hadn't went off until this very moment.
Suddenly, I feel wildly uncomfortable and I don't want to be here anymore. This feels oddly too close to being a date all of a sudden and that's not at all what I was hoping for. I shuffle to my feet and turn towards the door.
"What's wrong?" She asks and I turn back to her before nodding towards the door.
"I've gotta gay... go I've gotta go." I stutter before smacking my forehead and walking towards the door. I don't turn back before walking outside because I don't want to see the disappointed look on her face. How could I get myself into this situation without even knowing? I used to be so good at telling if someone was into me or not, what changed?
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