Friday night, a week before Christmas, the Philadelphia County Medical Examiner's Office hosted its holiday party after all. Kate rented one of the larger conference halls a few floors up for the occasion, pulled some strings with a couple of decorators she knew, and had the place absolutely decked out as a winter wonderland. Lights, trees, Hanukah bushes, candles, ornaments, and all the other usual garb were very tastefully strewn about the room, along with a good-sized Italian feast catered by Le Castagne.
It wasn't Kate's thing to scramble around at the last minute hammering out the kinks. She paid people to do that for her. She was happy to show up right on time at eight o'clock, after running home to change into her stunning satin, evergreen cocktail dress and picking up Erica on the way back to the office. Erica wore a white pantsuit that Kate was sure would put any of the men in suits to shame. When the two walked in, all eyes turned to them, including Megan's.
Megan said she'd just be wearing her black and white polka dot dress from that day, so Kate asked her if she'd come down a few minutes before eight to make sure everything was flawless. Megan hadn't been surprised that it was. She knew Kate was a perfectionist, and would only hire people who understood that. Kate had failed to mention, however, that she would be bringing Erica to tonight's gathering. Megan stood by the open bar, ordering her first cocktail with Ethan, Curtis and Peter in tow, eyeing Erica's arm wrapped around Kate's waist, her hand coming to rest on her lower back, inches above her ass, as they made their entrance.
"Make it a double," Megan told the bartender.
"Someone's not plannin' on driving tonight," Curtis guffawed.
"I'll take a cab," Megan bit back.
"I just can't catch a break, can I?" Ethan whined.
"What do you mean?" Peter asked.
"I mean, look at that. Even Kate's got better skills with the ladies."
"If that's what you want to call it," Megan mumbled sarcastically as she took a gulp from her rum and Coke.
The three men brushed her off, continuing to stare at Kate and Erica as they made their way through the crowd, greeting all of the guests from adjunct M.E. offices. As they approached the local crew, Megan downed the rest of her drink and quickly ordered another.
"Erica, these are my wonderful colleagues," Kate smiled, much more bubbly than usual. Megan still had her back turned as she grabbed her drink, so Kate couldn't see her mocking everything she said.
"Pleasure to meet you," Ethan shook Erica's hand, tripping a little. He wasn't expecting her grip to be so firm.
"I've heard all about you guys," Erica winked. "Sounds like on top of cracking cases, you manage to have a lot of fun around here."
"We do," Peter turned up the charm.
"When our boss allows it," Megan finally rejoined the group, smiling painfully.
"Erica, this is Megan Hunt," Kate tried to stay even-keeled, but felt the energy in the room shifting uncomfortably.
"Ah," Erica shook her hand. "I've most certainly heard a lot about you."
"Only the worst things, I hope," Megan smirked. "I can't say I've heard too terribly much about you. Just that you're a lawyer."
"That's right," Erica responded confidently. Kate was beginning to fume inside, but she knew Erica could handle herself. "Prosecutor."
"Kate's always had a thing for lawyers," Megan continued, taking a long, awkward sip from her drink between jabs. "Funny, I used to have a thing for lawyers too. My ex was one. In fact, so was Kate's."
"Megan…" Curtis tried to rein her in, but to no avail.
"Interesting," Erica nodded, her smile fading, although she stood her ground. "We haven't had that conversation, though I'm not too concerned."
"Well, I'm sure you'll get to it at the rate you're going," Megan smiled again, practically seething.
"I think I see the Commissioner," Kate interrupted, redder than the bulbs on the Christmas tree.
"Nice meeting you," Erica said to the group, giving them her best smile. "Ethan, work on that handshake."
"Uh huh," Ethan nodded, frozen in fear amidst the crossfire.
As she and Erica walked away, Kate looked over her shoulder at Megan and shot her a death glare. Megan simply downed the rest of her second rum and Coke and stared back at Kate over the rim of her glass.
"What the hell was that?" Curtis asked.
"What?" Megan replied.
"I know you ain't stupid, so don't play dumb," he continued. "Why would you…"
"Curtis," Peter shook his head, putting a hand on the man's shoulder. "Do those two even need a reason? It's what they do best."
"What?" Megan scowled.
"It would be nice if you and Kate could call a truce that lasted for longer than ten minutes," Ethan laid it out for her. "At least for the holidays."
"I second that," Curtis added. "It's like having your parents fight on Christmas morning while you're trying to open your presents. Ya'll need to pull it together."
Megan shook her head, refusing to get into it with them. Instead, she headed to the ladies room to check her lipstick and regroup.
While Megan was in one of the stalls, she heard two sets off heels enter the restroom, followed by Kate's voice and the Commissioner's. She quickly pulled her feet up and held her breath, hoping they wouldn't notice she was in there.
"What do you think you're doing?" Beverly scolded.
"I'm not sure what you mean," Kate began, a little timidly. Megan's heart clenched as she listened.
"You don't get paid to flaunt your 'lifestyle' in front of half the state's M.E.s," Beverly continued to cut into her. "You get paid to be in charge."
"Um…I beg your pardon, but I don't see how you can tell me…"
"I can tell you," Beverly interrupted. "And I am telling you. Don't do it, Kate. You want people to take you seriously? I'll be retiring one of these days. You really think I'd put someone up to take my position who brings someone as infamously promiscuous as Erica Rodriguez to the department's holiday party? That's a reflection on me. Now I don't care what you do in your personal life, but if your career is as important to you as I thought it was you'll get rid of her. Now."
There was silence. Megan prayed to all that was good and holy she could keep her balance on the seat.
"Understood?" Beverly demanded a response.
"Understood," Kate breathed. Megan could hear the tremble in her voice. The only time she'd heard Kate like this was when she was sick. She shook her head as she tightened her fists against the walls.
Finally, she heard both women leave and the door close. She waited a couple of seconds before exiting the stall, washing her hands quickly, and stepping back out into the party. She made it just in time to see the elevator door close with Kate inside as she headed down to their office level. Without another thought, she pressed the button and waited for the car to come back so she could follow her.
Kate made it to her office and closed the door just as the levies broke behind her eyelids and she gave in to sobs. She hadn't cried like this in years, hadn't let herself go, but the Commissioner's words were too much for her right now when she was already in a fragile state. She'd worked so hard to put this party together, on top of everything else she was dealing with professionally and personally. Beverly didn't even pay her one compliment about the affair, only inflicting her usual strain of venom. At the same time, Kate couldn't help but hear the part about Beverly thinking she had what it takes to be her replacement one day. She knew she needed to do some serious thinking about what that meant, and what she was willing to give up in order to attain that almost unfathomable level of success.
"Kate," Megan's voice broke her out of her reflections. Kate turned around sharply and glared at her, trying to wipe away her tears as fast as they were flowing.
"Oh my god," Kate huffed. "Please, go away. I cannot handle…on top of…"
Megan couldn't stay away, no matter how much she knew Kate wanted her to right now. She stepped close to the blonde and took a deep breath, putting her hands on her shoulders. Kate tried to shrug her off, continuing to look down at the floor, but Megan very patiently stood in front of her and refused to leave. Finally, she tried again, bringing her hands to Kate's shoulders and squeezing softly.
"You have every right, every right, to be yourself," Megan told her, trying not to choke up. "In fact, it would be a sin not to be exactly who you are, because the world needs brilliant, charismatic women like you, women who know how to do it all, who can lead by day but still have enough sense to make a life for themselves outside of this. You don't have to be ashamed. You don't need to hide, because people need to see this. They need to see how incredibly complex and amazing you are. I don't know what century Beverly Travers thinks she's in, but she can't just talk to you like that and get away with it."
Kate finally opened her eyes and slowly looked up. Megan stared back at her, green eyes glistening even more than usual. She couldn't believe the things she'd just said to her. She had no idea how she'd heard the Commissioner's remarks, but she didn't care. No one, not even Erica, had explained her to herself like that, had made her feel like she had a right to just… be.
Kate glanced down at Megan's lips, which were growing redder by the second as she darted her tongue out against them, licking nervously. She noted how the muscles in Megan's neck moved as she swallowed, flanked by red curls falling so imperfectly it was perfect. Kate's chest heaved. She tried to gather her thoughts before she said or did something she'd regret, but couldn't bring herself to do anything. Megan eventually let go of her arms and took a step back. Kate wanted to completely fall apart, but didn't.
"Erica's a lucky girl," Megan whispered, tracing her fingers across the top of Kate's desk. "I shouldn't have been so rude earlier. I've been terrible."
"Megan," Kate wanted her to stop.
"No," Megan continued. "You deserve this. You deserve to be happy. I'm happy for you."
Kate knew she was trying to be genuine, but she still didn't completely believe her. From the look on Megan's face, it was clear she didn't completely believe herself.
"Thanks," Kate shook her head, wiping a small tear from the corner of her eye. "I need to get back up there."
"Take your time," Megan told her. "Everyone's fine. You did a great job planning this party, no matter what anyone else says."
Kate smiled sadly. Megan started to leave, then gripped the door frame and turned around. She gave Kate the most affectionate smile she'd ever seen. It absolutely obliterated her heart, and the second Megan left she went to pieces again.
She tried her best to get herself under control, grabbing the box of tissues on her desk and dabbing her eyelids furiously while she breathed in and out. Just as she was feeling ready to face the crowd again, Erica found her.
"Sorry," Kate told her. "I just…the Commissioner…"
"I saw," Erica looked at her seriously.
"You did?" Kate sniffed. "I can't believe she had the nerve to lecture me while…"
"Not you and the Commissioner," Erica interrupted. "You and Megan."
Kate froze. She leaned back against the desk again for support, feeling like she might sink through the floor.
"What…what did you see?"
"Enough," Erica sighed, though she didn't appear to be angry.
"That's a little vague," Kate was growing frustrated. "We were just talking."
"It was more than talking. There was touching. And looking. I've never seen you look like that. Not at me."
"That's ridiculous," Kate vehemently denied it. "Megan works for me. I would never…"
"Kate, please," Erica held up her hand. "I don't want to do this with you. I've enjoyed our time together. I'd rather you be honest, let me bow out gracefully."
Kate shook her head. The tears threatened to fall again. She was doing exactly what she promised herself she wouldn't, letting herself get way too emotional, at work of all places.
"If you ask me," Erica continued, sitting on the desk next to Kate. "Seems like Megan can hold her own. She works with you, not beneath you."
Kate knew it was true. Megan wasn't some fresh-out-of-med-school resident, someone who she had absolutely no equal footing with. Even though Kate was technically above her in the chain of command, they'd blurred the hierarchy from the beginning.
"I think that people like you and me, who grew up the way we did…sometimes we're afraid to think we can have it all," Erica spoke softly. "So we sell ourselves short, never going after what we really want. Personally, I learned how to break the habit years ago. That's why I went after you. But I can see you're not quite there yet. You need someone to remind you that you've made it out of that dark place, and you're never going back. So whatever it is you want, go for it. If it means I need to walk away so you can get it, I will."
Kate could not believe how calm Erica was, how supportive. For a moment she was offended that she didn't seem to care, but quickly realized she cared a great deal, more than Kate felt she deserved. Erica was right. She hadn't given herself enough credit, hadn't allowed herself to dream past paying the bills and getting to a certain level of security. Her feelings for Megan made her feel like all of that could come crashing down, but maybe that wasn't true. Maybe she could have everything, including love.
That was it. She loved Megan.
She knew it for quite some time. When she was in the hospital dying from the virus, the only person she wanted to see was Megan. She wanted her face to be the last thing she remembered before she slipped into the coma, the last person whose voice she heard before it took her life.
Somehow, through all of the fighting over the years, they had grown comfortable with one another. Megan refused to give up on her, telling her she wouldn't leave, holding her hand and making her feel like she was a person worth saving. Since then they'd had their ups and downs, but through it all she realized she never feared Megan was going anywhere.
"I'm…so sorry," Kate told Erica, taking her hand and squeezing it gently. "You're an amazing woman. You deserve so much more than this."
"I know," Erica smiled. "So do you."
Kate walked her to the elevator and they exchanged a long, very warm hug and Erica gave her a kiss on the cheek before taking a cab home. When Kate finally got back up to the party, she scanned the room for Megan, but the redhead was nowhere to be found. Checking the time, Kate realized how late it was and that she probably needed to get home to Lacey. She tried her best to push all thoughts of Megan from her mind as she began mingling again. She'd just have to wait for Monday to see how ready she was to take the next step.