Chapter 5

The water swirled around in the sink, tinted red by his blood. Her hands were shaking as she washed them over and over again, rubbing at her skin, turning the temperature as hot as she could, but her hands still felt ice cold.

It had been so much blood. It had seemed to rush out of him, it had felt as if his life was streaming through her fingers. But the doctor had assured her that he would be okay. He'd lost a lot of blood but he was going to be fine. He had been lucky. Somehow Mark had managed to turn away from the bullet so that it hadn't hit him square in the chest though he couldn't completely avoid it. It had still pierced through the left side of his chest but miraculously hadn't hurt any vital organs before it had lodged itself in his left biceps.

He was in surgery right now. But he would make it. He was stable. He would recover fully.

Lexie stared at her pale face in the mirror. Maybe repeating it over and over again would help her to believe it. She had thought she'd lost him. She'd been convinced that he would die right there on the carpet. But he didn't.

Even though she knew he would make it, even though she knew he didn't die, her body refused to cooperate. She was still shaking and she willed herself to take in deep and slow breaths. She needed to calm down before she was able to go to the waiting area. She would stay until he was out of surgery. She needed to see him, needed to see him breathing before she would be able to go home.

She would ask a nurse if she could give her some scrubs to change into. She'd refused to leave Mark's side, riding with him in the ambulance on his way to the hospital. She was still wearing the tank top and shorts she'd put on before going to bed that night. Red handprints were smeared over her white shorts where she'd apparently rubbed her hands up and down.

Lexie tore her gaze away from the red stains, pressing her eyes shut for a few seconds as light headiness overwhelmed her. She would not faint. Not now. After everything was over. She would just walk out of the room and talk to the next nurse who'd cross her path and then she would sit down and wait. Wait for him to get out of surgery so that she could see for herself that he was still alive.

~M&L~

Lexie opened the door carefully, not wanting to disturb him if he was asleep. But the moment she stepped into the room Mark slowly turned his head towards her.

"Disappointed?" He rasped, his eyes still clouded by the anesthesia.

"About what?"

"That he'd missed any vital organs?" Mark asked, giving her a tired smile.

"You don't joke about something like that, Sloan." Lexie answered quietly.

"I know." Mark said apologetically, seeing the worry in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Grey."

"So how are you?"

"I'm fine." Mark shrugged his shoulder, forgetting his injury for a second and hissed out a cry of pain as his movement felt as if someone had stabbed a knife into the side of his body.

"You don't look fine." Lexie replied more harshly than she'd intended to but the urge to rush to his bed side and stroke his hair had slapped her completely unexpected in the face.

"My ego is more bruised than my body." Mark leaned back into the cushion carefully, gritting his teeth while the pain still rolled in waves over him.

"Yeah, I can imagine." Lexie stepped closer, laying her hand on his good arm. "I'm sorry, Mark. I'm sorry you've got shot."

"It wasn't your fault, Lexie."

"If you hadn't been so lucky you wouldn't ..." Lexie started to speak but Mark stopped her by putting a finger over her lips. "Don't say it. I'm alive. Nothing else matters."

Lexie pulled his finger away from her lips and laid his hand back on the bed. "You are right. Nothing else matters."

Mark wanted to intertwine his fingers with hers, wanted to pull her down to kiss her lips but she pulled her hand away before he could act on any of those thoughts and she was already half way across the room as she turned around, giving him a shaky smile. "I'm glad you're okay, Mark. I'll go and let you have some rest now. See you tomorrow."

~M&L~

"How is Sloan?" Scott asked when Lexie sat down opposite from him the next morning.

"He is gonna be fine." Lexie replied, answering him without looking up while she booted up her computer.

"What about you?" Scott stood up from his desk and walked to hers. "Are you okay?"

"Why shouldn't I be?" Lexie typed in her password, turning around to get a stack of files. "I wasn't the one who got shot."

"Lexie, it's me." Scott put a hand over hers to stop her hands from opening the first file but she still refused to look up, so he put a finger under her chin and lifted it gently. "Talk to me."

Lexie was just too tired, too exhausted, to mask anything and she just looked into his eyes, unguarded, letting him see everything there was to see.

"Oh!" Scott squeezed her hand slightly. "Oh, Lexie. He matters?"

Lexie nodded, turning her gaze back to the files on her desk before she whispered. "But I don't want him to matter."

"What happened while you were undercover? Did you sleep with him?"

"No, no I didn't sleep with him."

"But?" Scott prodded.

"We would have if the shooter wouldn't have showed up." Lexie admitted.

"So what's the problem? You are apparently attracted to him."

"He's gotten too close, Scott." Lexie looked up at him again and Scott could see a slight flicker of fear cross her eyes.

"How close?"

"I told him about Sudan." Lexie gulped hard and Scott raised his eye brows in surprise.

"That is pretty damn close, Lexie."

"I know."

"Are you in love with him?"

"I … I don't think so. Not yet anyway." Lexie said quietly. "But if I don't step on the brake right now I'm going to fall in love with him."

"Lexie, you can't run away from love forever." Scott stated firmly. "Why don't you give him a chance?"

"I can't, Scott. I'm too scared."

"Too scared of what?"

"Of losing him." Lexie admitted quietly after a few seconds of silence.

"You need to stop being afraid, Lexie." Scott said softly. "It's too damn lonely if you don't let someone in some day."

"Maybe some day. But not today. Besides if I recall right you aren't in a relationship right now either."

"You know I'm just taking a little breather after Lauren and I broke up. I'm going back on the market pretty soon."

"I've always admired that about you." Lexie smiled shakily.

"Lexie, I don't really like Sloan. Too cocky for my taste, but you apparently like him." Scott said. "A lot obviously. Just do me a favor and think about it. Don't turn your back so quickly, okay?"

"Okay. I'll think about it."

"Okay."

"Grey, Burns, conference room. Now." Monroe barked as he rushed past them and Lexie and Scott followed him without questions. Lexie definitely needed some answers and hoped that the forensic team did find a lead on who had been in their house yesterday. She needed to find the person who almost killed Mark.

~M&L~

"It's about time you show up. Did it occur to you that I might wanna know who shot me?"

"I see you are already grumpy which means you are on the way to recovery." Lexie replied cheerfully, secretly happy to see him already doing much better than yesterday.

"Cut the crap." Mark growled. "What son of a bitch shot me?"

Lexie's smile dropped off her face and she stepped forward to the end of his bed, wrapping her hands around the metal before she met his eyes. "Forensic found nothing, Mark. I'm sorry."

"What do you mean nothing? There has to be something." Mark leaned forward, pressing a hand against his side as his wound shot pain through his whole body.

"Would you please calm down!" Lexie hurried to his bed side, pushing him gently back. "You are gonna tore your stitches."

"I don't care about the stitches." Mark grunted.

"Don't be silly, Mark." Lexie shook her head exasperatedly. "You need to rest."

"How the hell should I rest when the shooter is still out there? You wanna tell me you wouldn't want to find him if you were in my position?"

"I don't need to be in your position." Lexie snapped back, slightly peeved. "Do you really believe I don't want to find him? Do you think we don't do everything we can? God damn it, Mark! We were undercover together. You were my partner. I want to find him as much as you do."

"Okay, okay." Mark held up his hand in apology. "I get it. Sorry."

"I shouldn't have snapped at you like that." Lexie replied sheepishly.

"I deserved it." Mark admitted, his mouth twitching up in a lopsided grin. "Just tell me what you know, will you?"

Lexie told him everything they knew by now what wasn't much. They were only speculating that Sutter was behind the shooting and they hoped that he would be satisfied with giving him this warning. They didn't believe they would go after Mark.

Mark thought so, too. But he didn't like it. He was a man of action. He hated to be bed-ridden. He wanted to hunt the shooter down by himself. But he knew that was not an option and he trusted Lexie. They would pursue all leads and would not stop until they would find him.

"We'll keep you updated, okay?"

"Not much I can do other than lying here and staring holes into the wall."

"Just promise me that you will allow your body to heal. Can you do that?" Lexie asked quietly. "For me."

"How should I deny such a beautiful woman anything?" Mark joked lightheartedly.

"I'm not talking to your doctor to get you out of the hospital earlier." Lexie replied determined.

"Sure you can't help out an old man?"

"Yeah, right. Old man." Lexie snorted. "I'm sure you already have every nurse wrapped around your little finger."

"Not every nurse." Mark grinned broadly. "There is Nancy who is about sixty. She is a dragon."

"That's one out of how many? Six?" Mark nodded, the smile still splitting up his face. "So the other five are doing everything you want them to the moment you shoot them your charming smile, right?"

"Sounds pretty much right. Yes."

"See. I don't have to do anything for you. It's all taken care of."

"I wouldn't mind a little 'get well' kiss." Mark wiggled his eyebrows and Lexie leaned forward as if she would press her lips on his but she only pressed the button of his morphine pump before she straightened again.

"The morphine apparently makes you delirious." Laughing out loud upon seeing the pout on his face, Lexie walked to the door, throwing over her shoulder. "See you tomorrow."

~M&L~

"Agent Grey, a word please?"

Lexie turned around surprised, looking stunned at Mark standing a few feet away from her.

"Agent Sloan, what are you doing here?"

Mark only nodded towards the stair case and without waiting he turned around and walked towards the door. Lexie furrowed her brows but decided to follow him, not wanting to have a scene in the middle of the bull pen and judging by the expression on his face he would not just leave if she would ask him to.

She hadn't expected to get away easily. She was actually surprised that he didn't come sooner. She hadn't seen him over the last six weeks. She hadn't even talked to him. The moment she had stepped out of the hospital room she had realized that bantering with Mark wouldn't make it any easier to stay away from him, so she'd decided to give them both some space. After all they still didn't know if Sutter had sent the shooter and they weren't any closer to catching him, so there hadn't been a reason to call him but apparently he wasn't pleased.

When she walked through the door she saw that he was heading for the roof and she climbed up the stairs after him, already dreading the conversation ahead of her. The wind almost knocked the door out of her grasp and she shivered as she stepped out on the roof. Mark was eying her thoroughly and Lexie wrapped her arms around herself. She didn't know if it was the wind that made her shiver or if his cold stare was the reason for it. Probably both in equal parts.

But suddenly his expression softened and he stepped closer, shrugging out of his leather jacket to drape it over her shoulders. Lexie immediately slipped her arms into the sleeves, welcoming his body heat the jacket was emanating. Pulling the lapels together with her fingers she stared up at him, not able to say a word when she met his blue eyes. He brushed a strand of her hair behind her ear and his fingers lingered for a second on her cheek before he took a step back and cleared his throat.

"Why are you dodging my calls?"

"I'm not dodging ..." Lexie replied automatically but Mark interrupted her. "Don't lie to me, Lex. You are evading me. Why?"

"It's complicated."

"Then explain it to me. Did I do something wrong?"

"No, you didn't."

"The last time I saw you I was lying in a hospital bed while you told me about the case. I have to say I prefer lying in bed with you. At your or my apartment. I don't care where we go."

"It's not gonna happen."

"Do I have to remind you of the last time we were in bed together?" Mark stepped closer, invading her personal space. "We would have had sex if we wouldn't have gotten interrupted."

"Maybe it's better this way."

"What do you mean?" Mark narrowed his eyes dangerously. "I'm sure it would be great."

"We would be fantastic in bed together, Mark. That's not the problem."

"So what is the problem? Why shouldn't we have mind-blowingly fantastic sex with each other? I don't get it."

"At the beginning of the undercover job it probably would have been only sex and without doubt great sex which would have left us both satisfied I suppose but now ..."

"What now?" Mark huffed out frustrated. "What's different now?"

"Now you are more than a hot man I want to jump into bed with." Lexie tried to explain. "I like you, Mark. I really do. I don't want to destroy the friendship we might be able to build."

"Screw the friendship." Mark took her by her shoulders, his face now only inches away from hers as he hissed. "I want you, Lexie. And don't tell me that you don't want me. Because I know you do."

"Yes. I do." Lexie replied quietly, her calm tone making him step back. "But what would happen after we had sex? Are you sure we could stop after just one night? I don't think so and you might deny it but there is more between us than sexual desire and I don't want to fall in love with you. The thought that I could lose you … it already scares me now … without us having any kind of a relationship. We have to face the truth, Mark. We could die every day. We don't have an office job from nine to five. I can't let you in, Mark. It's just … it's just too much."

"So you are just going to throw everything away?" Mark shouted angrily. "Everything that could happen between us, that should happen between us? You are a coward, Grey. You are damn fucking coward."

"Yeah, maybe I am. But I choose the safer route. I'm chickening out here."

"You don't know what you are missing out on, Grey." Mark said, staring at her intently but Lexie didn't budge and Mark finally gave up and just walked past her without looking back.

"I think I do." Lexie whispered as she looked after him as he stomped angrily towards the door. "I do, Mark."

She wanted to run after him, wanted to stop him but she didn't. She buried her face in his jacket and smelling his unique scent brought tears to her eyes. The moment the door closed behind him she realized that it might be already too late. She was probably already in love with him. Now she just needed to find a way to unlove him again.

Honestly, I'm not really looking forward to Grey's tomorrow. I'm still not 100% sure what SR has decided about Mark. Either way it's going to break my heart. Might need to watch the Castle premiere from Monday again after I watched Grey's just to cheer me up.