Morning, afternoon, and goodday to ya'll! I fully blame a headache and work for missing out yesterday. Hoping to catch up this weekend and get a little ahead to avoid delays.

So let's see how dear Edward handles getting home…

Ugly Side- Blue October

~~oo~~

Chapter 33: I had been good today.

EPOV

I smiled the entire way home, thinking of nothing but her.

Bella.

God she was amazing.

The entire day had been amazing.

And frustrating.

I shifted in my seat as I drove, eager to get home and take care of things.

I was trying to limit myself. I was. I had been so good today in that regard.

But I had also been hard for hours and I knew this one would be difficult to get rid of.

Not that I was lacking in images.

Bella against the counter, against me.

Bella on the couch, in my lap.

Bella at dinner while she ate.

Bella in the car, her hand on my thigh.

Just Bella.

I just wanted her in every way. But that would all have to wait, as much as I didn't want to. Wanting Bella was going to kill me. I needed a release or I would cave in my self-imposed restrictions.

I could fantasize about her until the time was right.

That was totally normal.

I smiled as I pictured her kissing me again, that playful smile on her face when she asked me if I wanted a cookie.

I wanted Bella's cookies. No doubt. I wondered if they'd be as sweet.

My fantasies about her dissipated almost immediately when I pulled into the garage and saw Carlisle's car. Somehow I would have to explain myself. I'd have to explain Bella to him.

As if he knew my thoughts, he was waiting for me when I stepped into the house. I ignored the glare in his eyes as I walked past him to the kitchen, where Esme was busy cleaning up from dinner.

"Did you have a good day today?" she asked, smiling towards me before returning her attention to the countertops she was wiping down.

"Yeah, it was a good day," I replied, poking my finger into the bowl of mashed potatoes on the table.

"Where did you go?" Carlisle asked as he walked in.

"I was with Bella," I replied simply. I knew where he'd go with this.

It was unavoidable. No use in lying about it. I had never lied before.

I wasn't about to make Bella a dirty secret.

Because she wasn't.

"This is a bad idea, Edward," he said in controlled frustration.

"Nothing happened."

"Oh really?" he challenged.

I stared him hard in the eye and nodded.

"Really."

"Boys," Esme soothed from her corner of the argument.

"I don't think you should see her anymore, Edward," Carlisle said, ignoring Esme.

"Carlisle…"

"That's not going to happen," I seethed, feeling the panic of losing her wind around my muscles.

"You'll do the same thing to her," he argued. "She doesn't deserve that."

"You don't even know what that was!" I hissed, stepping towards him. "You're so blind by whatever you refuse to see what it was! You're just a blind, judgmental dick!"

"Edward!" Esme admonished.

"There are some things you don't do with another human being!" Carlisle replied hotly.

I nodded and took another step towards him.

"Yeah, I learned that today, Dad. So why do I get punished for wanting something natural but you turn a blind eye to everyone else?" I yelled. "Why am I the only wrong one!"

"Because you have a problem!"

"That's not what I found out today." I growled. "I'm not as sick as you think, Dad."

"You can't control it," Carlisle replied. "You want to lose control with a nice girl again? You will not see her again!"

I was losing it.

My body was shaking.

No one was going to take Bella from me.

Not when I had finally tasted a bit of what he preached was normal. What he thought I wasn't.

"Bella understands me," I said defiantly. "She's not like Tanya."

"I won't let you defile an innocent girl!" Carlisle continued. "You are the one that thinks its normal to prey on women and force them to have sex with you!"

Esme stood beside us, pleading with us, but it was lost as we stared each other down, breathing hard.

Why didn't Carlisle ever really ask or find out what had happened?

Always my fault.

Even when it was Tanya, all along. Why had I let myself think it was all me?

I chuckled darkly and dropped my gaze from his crazed eyes.

"You never thought to ask me, not once. To explain," I whispered and took a step back, feeling my legs stumble from the adrenaline. "It's too easy to blame me. I'm a guy, so I should be blamed, right?"

"You were the one tying her up," he croaked. "It's disgusting. Controlling someone like that for pleasure. Hurting them."

I nodded and swallowed down hard.

"Then maybe you should have asked Tanya what she did to me for months before that, Dad," I replied sadly. "It was a lot more than tying me up. You only believed what you saw, not what was really happening."

"Edward."

I heard Esme's choked sobbing. Something I never wanted to do to her. Not my mom. I never wanted her to know what had happened between Tanya and me. It was bad enough she knew anything.

But he pushed. He assumed every time that it was I, even when I tried to tell him in all those fucking sessions.

He wouldn't ever believe me.

I wasn't blood.

That's what it really came down to.

I was demented somehow, because of my past. I understood now.

He had never understood my needs. Only Esme hugged me as a child.

Carlisle had never.

I took another step away and looked at the disgust in his eyes.

"You can't do that to another girl," he said, his voice strained. "This Bella doesn't deserve that."

Esme was crying beside Carlisle, looking at me in anguish. I couldn't tell whether she was crying for me or because of me. All I knew was that any confidence I had gained from the day with Bella was fast waning, to be replaced with the same empty hollow feeling I always had when faced with Carlisle's judgmental eyes.

"I'd never hurt Bella," I murmured, the shame of my past starting to seep in to my bones.

Why did Bella understand so easily, but my parents looked at me with such disappointment.

Did she really understand?

"You won't see her anymore outside of school, Edward. It's safer, for her," Carlisle said in that all too clinical voice.

"You can't make me," I said defiantly, sounding oddly like a spoiled little boy.

"While you are living in this house, I most certainly can!" he said, angry.

"Carlisle."

"Stay out of it, Esme," he said low, his eyes never leaving mine. "You've encouraged him enough and Whit has only seemed to screw him up more. I'll be talking to her tomorrow, that's for certain. You cannot engage in any sort of relationship in your condition."

"You don't even know my condition!" I raged. "You have it in your head I'm some pervert, but I'm not! I had a good day! Until now! You have no clue what's going on in my head! And I like Dr. Whitlock! She actually listened to me!"

Carlisle's eyes narrowed into tiny slits.

"I'm sure you liked her," he replied, accusing.

I threw up my hands and turned from them, knowing I wouldn't win this.

Unless Dr. Whitlock told Carlisle what we had talked about, he would never believe me. And if she was being honest with me, I knew she wouldn't tell him.

I wished she would, then. Maybe then he'd understand.

I needed to speak with Dr. Whitlock. Tell her to make them see.

That I wasn't fucked up.

I wasn't.

Right?

My brain was cloudy again. Sure one second, followed by bone crushing shame and doubt.

One thing was clear though.

I was not giving up Bella.

I clung to that thought as I slammed the door to my bedroom and stripped down roughly.

She was the only thing that made me feel good about myself.

I thought about calling her, to hear her voice to put me at ease. But I was so worked up I feared I'd say something wrong. And I didn't want her to become my calming agent every time I had an issue.

That would make her more like my need to jerk off to feel better.

She was more than wasn't something dirty like that.

She cared.

I couldn't give her up.

She was mine.

She wanted me.

And she was good.

If I were so bad, why would she want me?

The entire day, in a matter of a few words from Carlisle, was ruined. I was back to square one, doubting.

I tried to think back to the afternoon with Bella.

Her smile.

Her arms around me, comforting me.

Her breathy voice in my ear.

Her mouth, her taste, her softness against my hardness, her moans, the heat of her as she held me against her…

I stroked myself, to try and find relief, but it wasn't what I needed. Carlisle had taken those tender moments I had had with her and warped them somehow into something wrong. Now all I saw was such an innocent girl that I would defile with my demented cravings.

Really, she wasn't that innocent. She wanted it. She tempted me at every turn.

She was bold enough to reach out for me.

She wanted it. Badly.

I could tell every time she squeezed those nice thighs together.

She wanted me there.

She wasn't much different from me.

I gripped harder, rough like I sometimes liked when I was angry.

Imagining.

Fucking her.

Holding her down and entering her with a vengeance.

Finally inside and feeling for once the power of having a woman.

Hands pinned, hips trapped as I entered her hard.

Her voice loud as I pounded into her, calling my name.

Was she telling me to stop?

Would I be too rough with her?

Shit.

Shitshitshitshitshitshit.

I lay there, curled up in my bed, whimpering as I tried again and again to bring up an image of her that I could get off to. One that didn't make me feel like a pervert.

But every single one made me wonder if she wouldn't be scared of me regardless.

I finally gave up, my mind whirling around in self doubt.

I had been happy in her arms. Contented even.

Her smiling face made me calm.

Her touch made me want her in every way, but it was deeper somehow.

She wanted it, right?

Of course she did.

But would I scare her? Because of what I was?

Would I show her something more than normal?

Would I revert to what I was? In that moment of desire?

Had Tanya shaped me to be like her?

No, I didn't want to hurt Bella.

So why did I sometimes fantasize about her like that?

Would I hurt her in my blind passion? I felt the burn to my cock as I lay there, knowing that I had been too absorbed in getting off to take care of it properly. What was to say I wouldn't do that to her in a moment of passion?

I couldn't give her up.

He couldn't ask me to do that.

I had been good today.

Only three times all day.

It didn't matter about all the thoughts in between.

I hadn't acted.

Wasn't that the goal?

She had been a distraction, both good and bad.

But I had been good.

I was good.

How could he make me quit her?

She saw the good in me, however deep it was.

She forgave me of my ugly side.

I couldn't.

I wouldn't.

Even if I should.

There was no giving her up.

Ever.

~~oo~~

AN: You ever feel an overwhelming pride in something you accomplished only to have it dashed to nothing by someone, in a matter of seconds?

Yeah, that's what Edward's feeling. Keep on hating Carlisle… he deserves it after this little altercation.

More tomorrow. We'll see how Sunday for them turns out…

MWAH!

steph