Dr. Chakwas took her job very seriously. She'd been selected as the Normandy's Chief Medical Officer because her skill at keeping the well being of a large crew balanced out came as naturally to her as breathing.

Arian Shepard was an enigma to her in some ways. She hadn't made an issue over her apparent insomnia because Shepard managed just enough sleep to keep herself healthy, probably using light naps here and there to balance out the fact she couldn't sleep more than a few hours at night. In fact, this was the first time since Dr. Chakwas had made her acquaintance that the young woman had slept this long in one period, though it was far from peaceful.

Not that brainwave activity and rapid eye movement were new to Shepard. She'd go to her grave before she'd admit why she had trouble sleeping but the good doctor had seen more than enough to guess. Chakwas looked down at the commander as she twitched on the bed, sighing and leaning over to monitor her vitals. Having nightmares isn't a weakness, Shepard.

She leaned back and glanced over at the sheltered corner that was serving them as a temporary morgue where they were keeping the Spectre and Jenkins.

Jenkins. Her heart clenched painfully and she suddenly felt weary and old before her time. Jenkins's death had shaken them all. No matter how much death she saw, it was always so hard to see her companions killed, especially someone as young and bright as Jenkins.

A shuffling sound came from behind her and she glanced back as Kaidan came in, as he had anxiously several times since he and the woman from the colony had carried Shepard back to the ship. The woman, Ashley, had been in as well, in between talks with Anderson.

"How is she?" Kaidan's voice was quiet.

"It's promising. She's not in a comatose state anymore, that much is certain. She's showing signs of coming back up into consciousness."

Kaidan looked down at Shepard silently, guilt plain on his face. Ashley had mentioned Shepard had dragged Kaidan out of the way when the beacon hit her. As Shepard had started to rise out of a comatose state, she'd murmured incoherent words and occasionally names. Jenkins, Kaidan, and even the Spectre, Nihlus's, her guilt and anxiety apparently haunting her even in deep sleep.

"We didn't even get the beacon," Kaidan finally murmured.

"Lieutenant, from what I've heard, the entire operation took such a bizarre turn you're lucky that you came out of it alive. The commander would probably be dead too if not for you."

"She wouldn't be suffering like this if it weren't for me, either."

"I know her well enough to know if she'd lost both you and Jenkins, she would have suffered anyway." Chakwas's voice was stern. "Blaming yourself is not going to help her."

The monitor beeped suddenly and Chakwas hurried to the side of the bed. Shepard shuddered, a strange, twitching movement that started at her head and traveled down the length of her body in a wave. Her eyes flew open and she looked around wildly. Dr. Chakwas spoke, her voice loud and sharp. "Commander Shepard!"

Shepard's head whipped around toward her and the doctor felt a chill that went right down her spine. The woman was looking at her but not seeing her, her gray eyes focused on something only she could see. Then, suddenly, her gaze cleared and focused. She relaxed back onto the bed, blinking rapidly in confusion as she looked between them.

"Commander." Dr. Chakwas kept her voice quiet this time. "Commander, do you know who I am?"

"Dr. Chakwas." Shepard's voice was hoarse. She sat up and swayed a bit, letting her head drop forward.

The doctor leaned forward and checked over her vitals, reassured she was stable. "You had us worried there, Shepard."

"What happened?" Shepard looked around groggily and blinked when she saw Kaidan on her other side.

"The beacon exploded."

"Shit...how long was I out?"

"About fourteen hours. Hold still, commander."

Kaidan drew himself up straight. "It was my fault, I must have triggered some kind of security field, you had to push me out of the way. I'm sorry, Commander."

"Eh?" Shepard turned her head to regard him, baffled. "Ah, c'mon, Alenko. How the hell could you have known?" She waved a hand.

"We don't even know if that's what triggered it," Dr. Chakwas added.

Kaidan merely nodded but it was clear their words were helping.

"And unfortunately we never will know now." Chakwas shook her head.

Shepard grunted and threw her legs over the side of the bed, managing to stand, gripping the edge to keep herself steady. "So there was nothing left?"

"Nothing worth studying."

Shepard absorbed it for a moment, taking in that fact, coupled with everything else she could remember. She could only imagine the amount of shit Captain Anderson had been dealing with while she'd been out. "Hell."

"That about sums it up." Chakwas's voice was dry. She came forward and urged Shepard to sit down. "Rest a moment, Commander, you seem fine physically but you had some very interesting brain wave activity going on. Abnormal beta waves. I also noticed an increase in your rapid eye movement, typically associated with intense dreaming."

An odd look passed over Shepard's face. "If you can call it that."

Chakwas frowned. "What do you...?" She trailed off as Anderson came into the med bay.

Shepard pushed herself to her feet and stood at attention as best she could.

Anderson looked as composed and dignified as he always did. It was the shadows lurking around his eyes and the unnaturally straight line of his posture that gave away how tired he was. Like he'd been forced to take on a great deal of weight all at once. Which, undoubtably, he had. "How's our XO holding up, Doctor?"

"All readings look normal, she's going to be fine, Captain."

"Sir..." Shepard swallowed, trying to formulate a proper apology. The mission had been hers to command, therefore the failure was hers.

Anderson held up a hand to forestall her. "I need to talk to you in private, Shepard." He glanced at Kaidan and Chakwas, who took the hint and retired to the mess hall. Anderson looked back at her. "I heard you got hit pretty hard, Commander, are you sure you're all right?"

Shepard rubbed her temples. "I'm fine, sir."

Anderson shook his head. "I won't lie, Shepard, things look bad. Nihlus is dead. The beacon was destroyed and the geth are invading. The Council is going to want answers."

"It was my op, sir, my screw up."

"I fail to see how exactly you screwed up, Commander. Taking responsibility for too much can be just as damaging as not taking on enough, remember. One might even say it was egoistical to do so." Anderson's voice was stern.

Oh, he knew her far too well. Shepard gave that some thought and admitted she couldn't think of a different way the mission could have been handled that would have ended up any better. Moved faster maybe. "Yes, sir."

"Good. I'll stand behind you and your report. But that's not why I'm here. It's Saren, the other turian."

"I thought the name was kind of familiar."

"It should be, Commander. He's a Spectre. One of the best."

Oh, this just kept getting better and better.

"But if he's working with the geth, that means he's gone rogue, which is dangerous. He hates humans."

Shepard's brow furrowed as several things clicked into place. "I don't think that's why he came, sir. I think he was after the beacon."

Anderson nodded. "I agree. And he allied himself with the geth to do it. I don't know how or why." He studied her. "You were there when it self destructed. Did you see anything? Any clue at all that might tell us what he was after?"

Shepard closed her eyes. "When the beacon hit me, I saw something. A...hell, I don't know. A vision."

"A vision?"

She nodded slowly. "People dying. Being butchered, slaughtered, burning...by geth maybe."

Anderson was silent for a long moment, studying her. "Whatever was in that beacon, Saren has it now. Maybe it was lost Prothean technology. Or a weapon of mass destruction. We have to report this to the Council."

Her heart sank. She'd been afraid he was going to say that. Grow a spine, Shepard. "Are we going to run some kind of investigation first, sir?"

"No time, Ambassador Udina is already up in arms about it. And I know Saren, Shepard. I know his reputation, his politics. This attack was an act of war." Anderson was almost pacing by then. Shepard had never seen her captain this agitated. "He has the secrets of the beacon. He has an army of geth at his command. And he won't stop until he's wiped humanity from the face of the galaxy."

"With some time we could take him down," Shepard said carefully.

"Not that easy. He's a Spectre. He can go anywhere, do almost anything. We need the Council on our side. We prove he did it and they will revoke his Spectre status."

"But, will they listen to us?"

Anderson stopped pacing and looked at her. "Well, Ambassador Udina has set up an appointment with the Council first thing tomorrow. So we better hope." There was a hint of doubt in Anderson's voice that she didn't like at all. Then he straightened up. "C-Sec has been conducting an investigation into it, hopefully they'll come up with something." He looked away. "We should be coming up on the Citadel. If you're feeling up to it, head up to the bridge and tell Joker to bring us into dock."

Shepard saluted, feeling ill at ease. "Aye, aye, sir."

The captain had granted everyone shore leave and most of the crew had gladly taken it. Ashley had still be debating whether or not she wanted to go off the ship that night since she was supposed to report to the Ambassador's office in the morning. But when Engineer Adams and a couple of the marines had offered to show her around, she'd figured what the hell.

The crew were proving to be as amazing as they'd been portrayed in the media. She was still reeling from Anderson's revelation that he intended to bring her on as the Normandy's Gunnery Chief. She was afraid she'd stuttered out her thanks rather than speaking it properly but the captain didn't seem to mind. After years of working her ass off without much hope, suddenly a whole new world had been offered to her.

It was overwhelming stuff. Her first sight of the Citadel had been an eye opener. Pictures and vids didn't quite show how truly massive the thing was. And the ships surrounding it were some of the most amazing she'd ever seen.

It was damned impressive, even if it was alien made and populated. Most of the places around the Alliance Tower where the Normandy was docked were human centered for obvious reasons. The bar Adams had wandered into was already populated by several members of the Normandy's crew and most of the other inhabitants were Alliance members. It made her feel more comfortable.

"Hey, it's our new recruit, how you doin', Williams?" Ash glanced over and saw Sargent Howard Kell waving to her. He was sitting at the table with a huge pint of beer in front of him, dressed in casual clothes, his bright green and blue patterned shirt at odds with his morose expression. A slim, fair haired woman was sitting next to him, dressed in a long, loose brown and white skirt and a sleeveless top. Her lips, Ash noted with bemusement, were tinted some weird blue black shade and the dim light glinted off what had to be a dozen earrings as she looked up. Ash received a jolt of shock as she realized it was Commander Shepard.

The commander half smiled and pushed a chair out with one blue gel sandal clad foot. "We were just enjoying the calm before the storm."

Shepard had a large bottle in front of her and poured some of its contents into a glass, pushing it toward Ash. "It's non alcoholic," she said, anticipating Ash's demurral. "Just carbonated juice, really, but it's pretty good. Can't have a hangover going in to see the Council."

"You sound as excited about it as I feel, Commander." Ash took a drink to be polite but found it was, in fact, pretty good.

"Told ya, Ari, just take your piercins' out and don't speak unless spoken to. Though ten to one that prick, Udina, tries to foist everything off on you," Howard said. From his speech, Ash doubted if the pint in front of him was his first of the night. But his eyes were clear and sharp as he looked at her. "We were talkin' about Jenkins. Good boy. Makes you wonder 'bout the galaxy when such a good boy dies like that..."

Ash winced a bit. She'd heard plenty about Jenkins, his death had cast a pall over the entire ship. Ash was uncomfortably aware that she had, essentially, replaced him. Physically, at least. In spirit and in the eyes of the crew it was another matter entirely.

Looking for something to distract her, she noticed Shepard glaring at the doorway and blinked, following her gaze. A tall man in a black hat was standing near the entrance of the bar, watching them. When he noted Shepard and Ashley's gazes, he tipped his hat politely and left. Shepard made an odd growling sound and Ash looked back at her. "Everything okay, Commander?"

"One my uncle's men checking up on me." The commander snorted. "Man thinks he's some kind of clan patriarch needing to keep tabs on everyone. Sending out men to check on us, who does that?"

"If you'd remember to, you know, call and let your family know you're alive after this kind of shit happens, he wouldn't be worried enough to send someone out," Howard said mildly.

Shepard scowled but she looked discomfited. Ash wisely said nothing, particularly since Howard was obviously right.

A hand patted hers suddenly and she looked up at Howard again, startled. The old engineer smiled at her understandingly. "Didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, by the way. Talking about Jenkins. Know it isn't easy trying to fill his shoes. You're doin' a damned fine job, Anderson was real impressed by you."

"With good reason." Shepard tipped her glass toward her slightly in a small salute. Her eyes were a bit more knowing than Ash was comfortable with. "We would've been bad off if we hadn't come across you, Williams, you do know that, don't you?"

"I don't know." Ash stared down into her glass, cupping her hands around it. "I keep seeing their faces. My squad. They're all dead now too. Killed in an instant" She figured if they were reminiscing about the dead, her men deserved mention. She was surprised to find herself speaking openly. "And now I'm worried they'll be forgotten, just another piece of the fuck up on Eden Prime. Just another bunch of numbers in the statistics."

"We remember them." Shepard's voice was soft.

"And more importantly, you remember them. Keep that, Williams, there aren't enough who take a moment to remember the 'expendable' people." Howard's voice was suddenly bitter. "My boy...who remembers him? He was considered an 'acceptable loss', then forgotten because, hey, the job got done."

"Howard..."

He waved a hand at Shepard. "I'm okay, I'm okay." He looked at Ash and nodded. "But you, you remember your boys. And worry about them. That's good, Williams, that's real good to see. Makes me think the galaxy doesn't completely suck, after all."

Ashley found herself blushing a little, not sure she was worth the praise. Howard climbed laboriously to his feet and whistled loudly to get the room's attention. Most of the bar turned to look at him. "Since I know most of you are at least thinking about it, let's take a moment to remember Richard Jenkins. Smart kid, funny as hell. He died doing his duty to the Alliance. Along with Jenkins, Eden Prime lost many of its members and its marines. I don't give a damn what the brass says about how dangerous it was out there, we all know those people would have held off normal attack. Ms. Williams is afraid they'll be forgotten. Her own squad. The people. But I'm telling her I know this crew, and we won't forget them." There were solemn nods all around. Howard raised his glass and most of the room did the same, Ash and Shepard included. "To Jenkins. And the people of Eden Prime."

Later, Ash helped Shepard lead Howard back to the ship. He wasn't dead weight but he was weaving a bit, happily telling Ashley about the first time Jenkins had tried to drive the Mako. Shepard had pulled a small headset out and attached it to her omni tool talking quietly to someone, holding onto Howard's arm with her free hand.

"Wait, I've seen that thing, it's a damn monster, how in the hell did he get one of the wheels to pop off entirely?" Ash eyed him, not sure if he was putting her on.

"It's a mystery to this day, but leave it to Jenkins to be the one who did the impossible."

"Well, I promise I'll try real hard not to bust the wheels off."

"Hah! If you even get a chance to drive it while the witch girl here is around, you'll be lucky as hell. She loves driving that thing even more than I do."

"No one can love that thing more than you do," Shepard retorted.

Ash grinned. "Witch girl?"

"Nickname that's stuck with her. People have weird ideas about biotics. Sounds cool as a drag race nickname, wouldn't you agree, Shepard?"

"I'm sure I wouldn't know," the commander said primly. She turned her attention to the call again. "No, not you, Ray. Yeah. Hey, I said I was sorry! Okay, I'll call her too. Take care."

"There, see, wasn't so hard."

"Shut up. Besides, that was Ray. My cousin," she added at Ash's questioning look. "I can't call my uncle directly because that would be like condoning the fact he sends someone out to keep an eye on me. But Ray will pass on the fact I called to him and Ray knows I'm fine, so me calling Ray and Ray telling him is kind of like us saying we forgive each other without saying it."

Ashley took a few moments to try and work that one through and couldn't follow. It made her head hurt. "So, I guess you have a lot of family on the Citadel?"

"Four. My uncle -he's my mother's brother- two cousins, and my uncle's first wife."

"First? How many has he had?"

Shepard actually had to think about that one for a moment.

"I think he's on his sixth now," Howard said helpfully.

Shepard nodded. "That sounds about right."

"Six?" Ash started to say something and checked herself.

Shepard laughed. "Go ahead and make whatever comment on that one you want, God knows I have."

Howard snickered. "Heh, so has everyone else. Doesn't help that each one gets younger every time."

"I think I get why you were so annoyed. He sounds like a dirty old goat. Ma'am." Ash started to wince at running off her mouth again but both Howard and Shepard were hooting with laughter.

"Pressly mentioned you come from a military family yourself, yes?" Shepard leaned around Howard to look at her.

Ash nodded. "Yeah. Alliance duty is kind of a family tradition." She smirked suddenly. "Heh, if I'd forgotten to call my sisters after something like Eden Prime happened, they'd have ripped the galaxy apart just so they could yell at me."

"How many sisters do you have?"

"Three. I'm the oldest, not that it matters when they got their backs up."

"Little sisters...or cousin in my case...have no mercy," Shepard agreed.

"Only had my boy, myself," Howard said suddenly. "Woulda been proud to have a daughter, though. Or two. 'Specially if they turned out like you two. Woulda been proud to have you as my daughters."

"That's his equivalent of the 'I love you, man, I LOVE you' stage of drunken shenanigans," Shepard murmured to Ash as they entered the Normandy.

Navigator Pressly was at the galaxy map, going over something. He glanced up and just rolled his eyes as they helped Howard back to the crew quarters. Ash leaned against the door, watching as Shepard tucked him in, finding the gesture oddly sweet and at odds with the cool, quiet woman she'd known up until this point. "He going to be okay?" She asked as Shepard came back.

Shepard nodded. "Everyone's a little shaky and he always has some trouble dealing with the loss of a man. Especially when they're young. His son was killed on Torfan, that's where all that about you remembering your men came from." They were both quiet for a moment, thinking about the grand campaign that had destroyed masses of slavers but had cost so many men their lives. "I think it hurts him every time he hears someone talk about how the commander of that campaign was such a monster but no one ever mentions the people who died. Doesn't matter how many years he's served or how many people he's seen die." She was silent for a moment. "The galaxy can be a dangerous place." She sounded like she was quoting someone.

Ash nodded slowly. "Tomorrow...with the Council...man, I'm no good with politics, Commander."

"Neither am I. Like Howard said, just give it like you're giving a report and talk when spoken to. It'll be all right."

"You think we might be getting in over our heads with all this, Commander?"

"Oh, absofuckin'lutely. But that's okay because we're already in way over our heads, nothing else to do but ride it out and see where we need to go from where it takes us."

That probably shouldn't have made her feel any better but somehow it did. Shepard smiled and patted her shoulder. "Get some sleep, Williams, we have a hell of a day tomorrow."

Shepard sat in a chair in the mess, facing the dark since she knew she wasn't going to manage much sleep. A sketchpad was sitting on the table in front of her, and she tapped a pencil against it lightly as she thought.

The list started with Akuze and went on and on, a long running path of names. Lost in battle, lost in accidents, lost from plain old natural causes. Howard's son, Ashley's squad, Jenkins, Nihlus, not part of the crew but deserving remembrance as anyone else did. Colonists, soldiers, pilots, captains, admirals, she could run their names through her head but part of her always regretted the fact she could no longer put a face to every one of them.

The lost.

Ashley had every reason to be worried they'd be forgotten in the mass of excitement surrounding the fiasco on Eden Prime. So many were lost as they carved a path through space, made a name for themselves in the galaxy. A memorial commemorating the fallen might not quite cut it, but what else could they do?

So many lives laid down.

And now so many at stake.

Shepard closed her eyes. Those faint, barely visible images she felt more than saw were still there. In her head. In half-hazard form on the paper in front of her. So much death. Not in the line of duty or forging a path for people behind them, just death. Pointless, final, driven by hatred.

Shepard opened her eyes and stared at nothing for a long moment. She rose slowly and made her way to the comm room. She spent most of the night reading up all she could find on the geth, the Protheans, and Saren Arterius.