Hello all! I meant to give you all much love for your sweet words on my hormonal imbalance. LOL. You all are too sweet, and it proves on many fronts that you can cycle together via the internet!

Let's Talk About Sex- Salt-N-Pepa

I think the song explains what this is all about. *grins* Enjoy!

~~oo~~

Chapter 39: I asked you first.

EPOV

I watched my fingers as I rubbed them together lightly, remembering how they felt with her between them. Staring at the pads, I could almost imagine her skin there, warm and soft and so easy to glide across. I smiled to myself when I thought about the sound she made when I trapped her nipple in between them.

She had amazing breasts.

Soft and pliant, without being too soft that you lost the feeling of the subtle roundness of her.

She was perfect.

And at some point, I'd let myself taste her.

"What's wrong with your hand?"

I jumped at Emmett's voice, scowling at his mischievious grin when I shoved my hand under the table.

"I'm telling you man, now that you have Bella, you shouldn't have to spank it on your own," he said, sliding into the seat across from me at the table, pulling the cereal and milk his way.

"Fuck off, Emmett," I growled. "It's not like that."

He gave me an awkward surprised frown and shook his head.

"You're not sleeping with her?" he asked, shovelling a spoonful of Lucky Charms into his mouth. "You become a monk now? Cuz she wants it."

I groaned and stood to wash my bowl. I wanted to get to Bella's early so that maybe we could spend a few minutes in the car.

"All I'm saying, Ed, is that she likes you," he continued. "A lot. And you'd be hurting both of you if you didn't get on that."

I looked at him in disgust.

"I'm not getting on anything until I figure out what I want, Emmett," I replied. "And Bella deserves better."

"Better what?" he asked. "You like her, she digs you. I get that you are trying to do what Mom says, but you can treat her good and then also treat her good."

I let out a rough breath and left him to his cereal.

I wasn't having a relationship conversation with the guy who admitted to fucking his girl in the bathroom. I didn't even really know Rose Hale. He had never brought her home. I had no idea ifhe felt like I did towards Bella.

With Bella it needed to be right.

I needed her to know I wanted her for her.

Not because she was some hole to fill.

Even the thought of that made me feel sick to my stomach.

Bella was everything to me.

It needed to be right.

I could handle myself for as long as it took to feel right about losing myself in her.

In her.

Fuck.

I'd be late to pick her up if I didn't curb my thoughts.

I tried to think of something else, but it was useless. My hand felt her skin again, and I lost myself in the bathroom thinking about being inside her. I bet she was warm and soft everywhere.

I hated myself for getting off on her before I had even had the chance to see her.

But she was in my thoughts constantly. It was natural, or so I was told.

I somehow thought that that phrase was reserved for people who didn't jack off 24/7 over the girl they were dating. I doubted Emmett jacked off in the morning over Rose.

But then again, he was getting it regularly.

If Bella and I started fooling around, would I be worse off or better?

What if Tanya messed me up for normal sex?

What if Bella didn't like what I liked?

What if she did?

I drove to her house wondering if slow was really good, or was it only making things more difficult.

It felt good last night, and here I was hoping for a little more in the car.

I had wanted to do more last night, but knew I'd regret it.

What if I regretted doing it with her? What if she did?

I had to get this out of my head.

It wasn't right.

She was good and sweet and innocent. I needed to keep thinking that, instead of thinking about spreading her wide and burying myself in her.

Fuck.

"Hey," she said as she slid into the passengers side. She quirked her eyebrow at me, questioning. "You okay?"

I nodded and looked back at her house.

"Dad left early this morning," she said and leaned in to kiss me.

I only hesitated for a second, but she noticed. She pulled away and frowned.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

I tried to smile and shook my head, putting the car in to gear.

"Nothing," I replied, swallowing when she narrowed her eyes at me.

"You feel weird about last night, don't you," she said.

She groaned and pulled her legs up, looking suddenly very vulnerable.

"I don't feel weird about last night," I said in a rush, knowing I was screwing up the day with my internal worries. "I'm just worried about what I'll do next."

She glanced at me as I drove, her eyes a little sad.

"I know this is hard on you," she said quietly, still curled up. "You know this is different, right? You and me? We're different."

My chest was starting to hurt. She had so much faith. She trusted me so much.

We pulled into the school parking lot, the tension thick between us.

"Edward."

I shut off the car and turned slowly to meet her gaze. There was so much going on in her eyes, like a kaleidoscope of emotions. It was hard to figure out which one was dominant.

"You don't know what I go through every day, Bella," I replied softly. "To stay sane and normal in front of everyone, but inside. There's a lot that goes on."

I felt her hand slip over mine on the steering wheel, coaxing it towards her.

"So tell me," she whispered.

I shook my head and looked away from her searching eyes.

"It's not something you'd like to hear," I said dismissively.

"How do you know?"

I closed my eyes and felt my head hit the headrest on the seat. She seemed so unfazed by my fucked up life. Maybe she wouldn't judge.

"It's okay, Edward," she said, unfolding herself from her seat and moving to open her door. "I won't push you."

"I think about you all the time," I blurted.

She paused in opening the door, turning to offer me a coy smile.

"I do too," she said. "There's nothing wrong about that."

"How I do, it is," I murmured. She turned back towards me and gave me her full attention.

"How do you know?" she asked. "My thoughts may be pretty inappropriate too."

I grunted and shook my head.

"I don't think you'd imagine what I do," I scoffed.

She huffed at me and crossed her arms.

"Is this because I said I was a virgin?" she demanded. "You think I don't think about sex?"

I blinked at her, a little taken aback.

I mean, I was sure she thought about sex, but it was that kind of sex you saw in the movies.

With frilly things and violin music and a lot of breathy terms of endearment followed by ridiculous fades to black.

Mine was about grunting, and thrusting, sweat dripping, and nasty words cried out during orgasms. It was about knotted hair and trying to explain why your clothes were missing buttons. And maybe some destroyed furniture.

She narrowed her eyes at me and leaned over to poke me in the chest.

"Just so you know, Mr. Cullen. You got me so hot and bothered last night feeling me up that I had to imagine you fucking me senseless while I got myself off," she barked before turning to open the door.

I reached out to grab her before she was out of the car.

"I didn't mean to do that to you," I said, feeling the turmoil of making her frustrated while harbouring a sort of sick glee that she was worked up by me enough to have to get herself off.

"But I wouldn't understand your feelings?" she continued, the hurt evident in her eyes. "I get it, there are things you don't want to talk about. But not talking to me at all about your wants won't help us to move forward. Your private thoughts really aren't different from mine."

"Mine are just really dark, Bella," I conceded.

She relaxed a bit in my grip and shut the door again. We were going to be late for class.

"How dark?" she asked.

I squirmed in my seat and couldn't look at her inquisitive eyes.

"I just don't know how much of that life is going to bleed into ours," I murmured.

"I know, but it doesn't scare me," she replied. "You won't hurt me. It's different."

"But there are some things I might like that you won't," I argued.

She was quiet on her side, but I could see her hands playing with the bottom of her jacket.

Like she was nervous.

"Can I tell you something?" she asked quietly. "And promise you won't think less of me?"

I nodded, afraid to look up to see her fear. I could hear it in her voice.

This is where she was going to tell me that she really was scared of what I was.

Of what I liked.

Not that I knew what I truly liked.

"I have really dirty thoughts about you, Edward," she whispered. "A lot of dirty thoughts."

I looked up to see her blushing. She dropped her gaze almost immediately and fidgeted with her jacket some more.

"What kind of dirty thoughts?" I asked, feeling myself get more excited.

I couldn't help it.

"I asked you first," she challenged.

I groaned and leaned back into my seat, knowing now that we wouldn't be making it to first period.

"So is this going to be a version of 'I tell you/you tell me', Bella?" I asked.

She raised her eyebrow and smirked.

"I tell you something, you tell me," she said, her smile widening.

I looked away again.

"But mine will still shock you," I whispered, afraid.

"I doubt that. And if you do, I need to know," she said. "Maybe it's something I was thinking about all along, Edward. But was too afraid to admit. You never know."

I didn't think she'd imagine half of what I had with her.

"I'll go first," she volunteered, sitting up a little straighter. "But we need to be honest and not judge, okay?"

"I'll hold you to that," I shot back, feeling a little nervous about this.

"Good," she said, biting on her lip as if to think of her first confession to me.

Like she'd have so many.

Her face blushed slightly and she closed her eyes as she spoke.

"I think about you bending me over that tree in the meadow," she blurted and covered her face, embarrassed.

I was rock hard now and wondering why I hadn't thought of that one. She peeked out from behind her fingers to see me watching her.

"I know it's not really dark and dirty," she went on, moving her hands around nervously. "But I didn't want the first one to be the dirtiest one I have."

"Not the dirtiest one?" I spluttered, coughing.

She wrinkled her nose and squinted uncomfortably.

"That one wasn't that bad, was it?" she asked, a little meek.

I shook my head and took her hand in my own.

"It's a good one. I'm never going to be able to go there without thinking about that now," I replied. "Especially after we do it."

I felt the heat of her increase at my words, her eyes deepening.

"Your turn," she whispered.

I blew out a breath and tried to think of something fairly tame.

Nothing that would scare her.

Drawing a blank on the tame.

"Edward."

I let out a nervous chuckle and slowly looked up into her eyes.

"I think about being inside you, all the time," I said softly.

Her face flushed a little darker, her breathing a little heavy.

"How?"

I raised my eyebrows.

"What do you mean, how?" I said, my voice a little high.

I wasn't about to tell her I thought about riding her hard, or from behind, or her on top, or trying some moves better executed on a yoga mat.

About how I thought about how creaky her bed was and that I would never be able to have sex with her there while Chief Swan was ever in the house.

About how my bed was a platform bed. Super quiet and firm. And big for all sorts of positions.

I wasn't going to tell her that I wanted to fuck her right here in the back of my car, regardless of how small it was.

We'd find a way.

She pulled me out of my thoughts with her tightly pursed lips and narrowed eyes.

"You're a cheater. So vague. Inside me. Of course you want that. But I told you how. You're thinking about the how right now and not sharing," she said and then her eyes widened. "Are you thinking about having sex with me right now, right now?"

I looked at her like the notion weren't grossly obvious.

She looked around and frowned.

"You need a bigger car," she said, completely deadpan.

"I," I stammered. "The back seat is a lot bigger than it looks!"

"I'm not that flexible, Edward," she said, still serious. "I guess if I was in top."

I didn't know how to respond to that.

I was a little off kilter with her frankness.

"I'd need to stretch first, and that's not sexy," she continued.

This conversation was definitely the wrong thing to be doing while we were trying to go slow.

Well, I was trying to go slow.

She was seemingly open to anything.

I wondered what anything really entailed.

She was looking at me with a very serious face. I made to say something when she suddenly burst into laughter. She leaned in and kissed me playfully, her hand winding into my hair to tug me closer.

I really liked when she did that.

I wondered if she would like some things I had dismissed as wrong.

"What else do you think about?" I asked against her lips.

She pulled away and licked at her lips, her eyes trailing down to where I all my blood had drained to.

"I think about when you'll finally let me touch you," she whispered and the blush was back. "I've never touched a guy before."

I groaned and pulled her back to my lips, attacking her mouth with the need I felt through my entire body. More than anything I wanted her to touch me, stroke me.

Suck me.

I was whimpering and pulling away when I felt her hand sliding down my chest.

"Not here," I groaned. She looked a little forlorn at my denial.

I pulled her close, holding her chin in my fingers.

"Not here," I reaffirmed. "Because we need to have a comfortable place and no distractions. I want to be able to do the same for you. And I want to enjoy that."

"Really?" she asked, biting on her lip again.

"You have no idea how hard it was to stop last night," I growled, leaning into her neck for my fix of her.

She let out a long sigh and moved away, that sad look returning.

"I hate that they skewed your view of sex," she said quietly. "It makes me wish I knew more, because I know you're holding back. And that makes me sad."

"I want it to be special," I replied, looking away.

"It will be with you," she replied and pulled her bag up from the floor of the car. "We should go."

I nodded and grabbed Junior, who had been witness to our discussion. I was glad it was a fake kid, otherwise it would be as screwed up as me. I felt Bella's hand brush by mine, reaching until she felt me wrap my fingers around hers. She looked up at me with so much want and hope, I thought maybe we could do this.

"I want you, Edward Cullen," she whispered, smiling up at me. "And that includes all the things you think you can't tell me."

I let her lead me through the parking lot, my mind milling through all the ideas in my head. I stopped her before her second class, edging her towards the lockers and away from the other kids.

"Do you really want to know my darker thoughts?" I asked softly.

She nodded.

"If it's who you are, then yes. I'm not afraid, Edward," she replied.

I brushed my nose against her cheek, taking in her goodness again. How someone so good could like me, I didn't know, but it made me hopeful.

"A little bit each day then," I said and traced my finger down her neck. "On everything. I'll tell you things, and we'll try."

"Try?" she asked, the smile curving her lips up like a little vixen.

I smiled and rolled my eyes at her.

"Yes, try," I retorted. "I don't need to spell it out do I?"

She pulled away when the bell rang, still smiling.

"I don't know, I want to try a lot of things. And I am the innocent one after all," she shot back and slid into the classroom, leaving me debating a trip to my usual stall, or following her in to pull her out and take her home.

I sighed and opted for the former.

It wasn't nearly as fulfilling as what I thought it would be like with her.

But I was already thinking about the weekend, and how we might get some time alone.

To explore some of the things that was on both our minds.

The weekend was entirely too far away.

I wondered how much I could do this week before Saturday, and still feel good about myself.

This was going to be a long week.

~~oo~~

AN: yeah… I've pretty much given up on that whole 2000 words or less… snort.

This next weeks chapters will be a little shorter tho. I have a busy week this next week. Stupid work.

Thanks my dears! More soon!

MWAH!

steph