Song: Paradise
Artist: Coldplay
Characters: Sara Sidle
When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she'd fly
Of The Heart
My whole life I'd wondered what my life story would be like. I was constantly asking myself if I'd have the happy ending, the knight in shining armor coming to rescue me from this world and myself. As a child I thought every story ended in a nightmare, hiding from the man who's supposed to protect you and teach what kind of person you're supposed to be in this world. I caught on pretty early though, and soon I found out that most families aren't like mine and as a six year old I shouldn't have had as many broken bones and bloody noses as I did.
When I was thirteen and holed up in my newest foster home I made a promise to myself, I was going to break that cycle, and I would never be the one who cowered in fear in the corner and took the blame for everything. I would be strong and I would teach my children that no one has the right to treat them that way. And maybe this promise is what led me to go into law enforcement, so I could give the voice I so desperately wish I had as a child to others. That way they never had to go through what I did.
At first it was hard, and there were so many times where I wished I could just close my eyes and when I opened them I'd be somewhere else away from all this hate and cold heartedness. But over time you build this fortress around you and as long as you don't think about it, nothing can penetrate it. Of course it never can keep you safe from the nightmares, you can wish all you want but they always find a way into your mind and the first time you wake up in a cold sweat screaming you think you'll never be able to sleep again.
Pretty soon you're numb to almost everything and you lose friends as you become more and more focused on your work. Being a CSI has a power over you and soon nothing but the job matters. I don't know how many marriages I've seen crumble under pressure, and at first it used to scare the hell out of me. I always used to think I'd never find anyone, not because I couldn't but because I didn't want to. I didn't want to put my husband through the pain of knowing that there may be a time when I can't put him before my work. It wasn't something I was willing to handle.
Of course, I did change my mind and I learned that if you tried hard enough you could find a balance between work and home. All it took was cooperation on both our parts. It's nice to have someone who knows how you feel, who isn't scared by the nightmares and the days where you're just so tired that all you want to do is cry. When you find someone who loves you for who you are and what you do, you learn quickly that happy ending aren't just in story books, they happen in real life too.
So I guess you could say I'm one of the lucky ones, because I found that balance and I was able to bury my past and find someone who makes me happy, not someone I live in constant fear from. Turns out I would get the happy ending after all.