Chapter 17
Freedom, Abridged

"I am a killer. That's what I do, I kill. And yeah,
maybe it's been a long time, but it's not like you forget how."
-Spike, 'Smashed'

"Alright, now, hold still," Willow cautioned.

"Not bloody likely I'd move, pet, you might zap the wrong thing."

Spike was stretched out on Willow's bed, with his head resting in her lap, cradled in her cupped hands. Willow's eyes closed in concentration as she spoke the keywords to put herself into a light trance, and then began magically probing at the chip.

This was the third night they'd tried this, not counting the abortive first attempt at the Watcher's. That had been disastrous. The minute the Scoobies had figured out what she was trying, they'd practically jumped down her throat. Never mind that the probe was supposedly passive, merely exploring without altering, or so the witch claimed. Every single one of them had been certain that the spell would backfire somehow and free him from the chip. Truth be told, Spike was hoping for that as well. But the fight had gotten Red's dander up so much, especially when Giles insisted that she promise never to try it again, that Spike had had no trouble convincing her to break that promise.

Especially encouraging, at least for Spike's plans, was how readily she agreed to the notion that it wasn't breaking a promise if the others didn't remember her making it. He wasn't sure what spell she used, but the rest of the gang never said another word about the incident after that.

"Not sure why you're doing this, pet," he commented.

The trance was light enough, and her concentration was strong enough now that she could hold a conversation at the same time, without losing the spell. Spike hoped the minor distraction would be enough to make her a bit careless. He was willing to dare the risks if it led to the chip's deactivation.

"I'm just trying to figure out how it works," she replied in the flat, dead tone he was coming to associate with her trance states, "I'm convinced there must be some sort of mystical component or something to it."

Spike actually enjoyed the sensation of the probe. Rather like a scalp-massage, only inside of his head.

"Why's that, then?" he prompted.

"The demon-sensing bit. I can't see how technology would be able to determine demon from human from a distance." She was on a roll, now, and Spike smiled to himself. "If it were based on your own assessment of whether your victim was human or demon, it wouldn't have fired those times when you mistook someone for a vampire and they weren't."

Spike winced at the memory. That had been painful in more ways than one, with Willow having to actually rescue him.

"So it must have some other way to measure humanity," she continued, "Technology can't do that without direct access to the thing being measured, or at least, it shouldn't. But you might be able to do it mystically."

"Whatever you say, love. I'm just along for the ride."

"No, you're just hoping I'll…"

"Ow!" The chip fired once, and Spike sat bolt upright, clutching his head.

"Oops." Willow's voice was controlled, almost too much so, and there was a strange note to it. Was it fear?

"Bloody hell, Red, what was that for?"

"It was an accident, I…" She trailed off, her eyes shifting nervously. Spike realized that she was looking for a weapon. He was stunned by the implications. Had she actually done it? Disabled the chip?

Spike thought fast, watching the fear grow in her eyes. He needed to act before she remembered that she didn't need a weapon, that she had magic to defend herself.

He dove at her, vamping as he did it. She didn't even have time to scream before he recoiled, slapping a hand to his forehead in imitation of past responses. The pain truly was gone, but he wasn't about to tell her that.

"Ow!" Spike figured he'd better go the distance, and quickly got up and kicked the nightstand in feigned frustration. "Bollocks! Bloody get my hopes up, why don't you?"

The relief on her face was evident as she hastened to calm him down. "Spike, I'm sooo sorry! I thought maybe…But I didn't, so…" She sighed in relief, then frowned at another thought. "Were you really going to bite me?" she accused.

"To keep the Slayer from finding out and staking me? Absolutely," he replied, looking her in the eye. Odd how brutal honesty like this could cement her trust in him, but it seemed to make her believe he wouldn't lie about other things, either. "I'd have you turned and halfway to Mexico before you woke up again."

"I don't want to be a vampire, Spike."

"You'd love it, once I turned you," he replied cockily, "Besides, you're not saying you'd rather be dead, are you?"

Willow ignored the second argument. "What if I didn't like it? What if it altered our relationship? What if I held it against you?"

Something stirred deep inside the vampire, something unpleasant. He pushed the feeling away, certain he didn't want to know the cause.

"What if you don't like me as a vampire? No, I'm serious!" she added, as he began to scoff at the notion, "Buffy says a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the human it once was. Even Angel agreed with that!"

"Angel's Slayer-whipped. He'd agree that the sky was orange if she told him so."

"Still, you've got no way to know how I'd react to being turned against my will. I might hate you."

The sensation was stronger now, like something just on the edge of memory, resonating to her words. He tried to push it away again, to ignore it, but it wouldn't go. It couldn't be a memory. Spike could remember every vampire he'd ever sired, and none had…He suddenly felt like he was about to throw up. He couldn't lose her, not like…not the way…not just when he was finally free of the damned chip.

"Fine!" he snapped, more to stem the rising feeling of nausea and unease than any other reason. He softened his tone when he saw Willow jump, putting on his best earnest look. "Fine. I'll never try to turn you until the day you give me permission."

Willow looked at him for a long moment, as if trying to gauge his sincerity, then finally nodded in acceptance. Spike sighed in relief as the uneasy feeling receded. She was young, yet. He could wait. Now that he no longer had the chip holding him back, he could wait forever to achieve his goal. Not that he'd need to. She'd be his soon enough.

Spike sniffed the air greedily and looked around Main St., searching for a victim. He was beyond hungry for the taste of human blood. A flash of blonde hair disappearing down an alleyway caught his eye, and he set out to follow.

The girl he'd set his sights on was standing near a dumpster, fumbling in her purse for something. Spike didn't give her a chance to find it. He swooped around from behind and grabbed her. As she screamed, he bent back her head, exposing her beautiful, bare neck. Without hesitation, he sank his fangs deep into her. He nearly moaned in ecstasy as the blood rolled over his tongue. So long, it's been so long, he thought, biting down harder. He drank and drank, until another niggling thought interrupted his concentration.

What would Willow think if she knew? asked a voice from deep inside him. Oh, bloody hell, was his response, as he lost his appetite somewhat. He knew exactly what his Red would think. In fact, if she walked into the alley this very minute, Spike knew that he would lose her forever. He couldn't have that, not after he'd worked so hard.

He let go of the girl, reluctantly. She fled as quickly as she could, staggering slightly from loss of blood. Spike resisted the urge to chase her down again and finish the job. He found an upturned crate farther along the alley, and sat down to think.

He wasn't about to give up feeding, not entirely, but how could he do it and still keep Willow? He never thought he'd have to work so hard to have her, especially not once he was free of the chip.

He wondered to himself why he hadn't just turned her, back at the dorm. He'd had a moment of opportunity there, and he'd let it slip away. Now he was saddled with this promise he'd made. A promise he planned to keep, too, no matter how inconvenient. But why had he hesitated? For the last few weeks, he'd thought of nothing but turning her. Now, just when he neared his goal, he'd backed off at the last minute.

A sudden horrible thought struck him. It couldn't be because he had...feelings for the girl, could it? Spike groaned as he realized the thought had the ring of truth. He'd known that he wanted her, certainly, and wanted her to be his, but he never thought he'd fall for her. He always assumed that he'd fall in love with Willow after he'd turned her. Falling in love with her beforehand just complicated things. Case in point, here he was, able to kill again, and instead of hunting down lunch, he was sitting on an apple crate, thinking about how to feed ethically.

Spike's thoughts turned back to his almost-victim, now far out of reach. He hadn't hurt her, much. She was barely even dizzy when he let her go. Could he feed that way, drinking without killing? A strange sort of 'catch-and-release' plan? He thought about it and liked the looks of it. It wasn't perfect, but it would keep him fed, and he didn't think Willow would object too much. He'd just try to keep her from finding out, that's all.

The strange voice inside Spike still had some doubts about it all, but he brushed them away. He'd feel better about the whole thing once he had a full stomach. He set off back down the street, looking for a new blood donor. The sound of a scream drew him towards an alley on the opposite side. He wasn't adverse to fighting some other creature for his meal. It would just add spice to the proceedings.

To his surprise, when he found the screaming woman, her attacker was human. The man had thrown her to the ground and pinned her there. As Spike watched, the assailant tore at her shirt, ripping it open.

Now, this guy you can kill, came the triumphant thought, as Spike realized that the man was trying to rape the young woman. Willow couldn't possibly want him to spare the life of a rapist, could she? Without examining the thought further, the vampire dove at the pair, quickly pulling the man off of his victim and throwing him across the alley into some trash cans.

The young woman staggered to her feet, and ran out of the alley, clutching the tattered remains of her shirt. Spike had a fleeting moment of remorse that she wasn't the intended meal. Outside of that, he didn't give her another thought. He turned back to his chosen victim, still struggling out of the trash cans.

"Someone's been a bad boy," Spike gleefully told the man, "And that means I can feed."

He wasted no time, hunger keeping him from playing more with his food. He pulled the man towards him in one swift motion, then sank his fangs into the unprotected neck. The blood wasn't as pure as it was in his usual victims, but it was still blood, and he drank it eagerly. Soon, the man's feeble struggles ceased, and the only thing keeping his body upright was Spike's grip on him.

Finally, Spike let go, and the man's form slumped to the ground. Spike looked down on him, wiping the blood from his mouth, as his face shifted back to a human guise. The niggling voice of doubt sounded again in his mind. Would Willow have wanted him to kill this man? He found himself considering it, and didn't like the answer he was getting. But he's a criminal, a rapist. One of the bad guys, he protested to himself, suddenly wanting very much to be absolved of the crime. Willow couldn't possibly want mercy for bad guys, could she?

But he thought back on all the many things she'd said and done over the years, and came to the staggering conclusion that while the redhead would certainly want the bad guys to be punished, she probably didn't want them killed. So where did that leave Spike? Back at a 'catch-and-release' plan?

Yes, of course! he thought triumphantly, having a sudden brainstorm, Catch-and-release of criminals. I can punish the bad guys without killing them, I get plenty of fresh blood, and Willow can't complain that I'm attacking innocent people. That had been the one flaw in his original scheme, the innocent people problem.

He surveyed his new plan and liked the looks of it. He'd just feed on people he caught committing crimes. In a nasty town like Sunnydale, there was sure to be a healthy criminal population. It didn't compare with the thrill of hunting and killing an innocent victim, but if it kept his Willow happy, so much the better. Besides, he reminded himself, it's only temporary. Once Red is turned, we can feast together on anyone we like, he thought eagerly, liking the image. He turned away from the cooling corpse and went to find another victim, one that fit his new criteria.