Authors Note: Sorry for the delay. In this chapter you get a glimpse of Ella, a healthy dose of Rhett and Scarlett and a peek at the investigation Eleanor has launched. Enjoy! And once more I thank you for your reviews.

Chapter 14 – Always On My Mind

As Ella settled back into her daily school routine, her argument with Rhett weighed heavily upon her mind. She had finally said all the things that had been nagging her since childhood and yet she didn't feel any relief from expressing her feelings, in fact she felt worse. It hadn't gone the way she had wanted, she hadn't really wanted to argue but somehow she always found herself in that predicament. By Wednesday she felt weighed down by her worries and her conscience that seemed intent on convincing her that she had been wrong to voice her feelings.

"Are you alright Ella?" Alice asked that afternoon after classes had concluded. "You don't seem like yourself."

"I'm fine," she stated automatically. She had gotten so used to making that statement in the last several weeks that it slipped from her lips as though it were second nature. "I just have things on my mind."

"Sarah and I are going to the library to work on our assignments; do you want to come along?" Alice asked.

"No, not this time. I think I'll go find my Aunt, I feel like I need to talk to her."

Alice nodded in understanding, "See you at dinner."

Ella smiled, "I'll be there."

After Alice had left her, Ella began her search for Carreen. Finally she caught a glimpse of her sitting behind the desk in her classroom. Ella knocked softly on the open door.

Carreen looked up from the stack of papers she was grading and smiled as she caught a glimpse of her niece. "Come in, Ella," she said warmly.

"Are you sure? You look busy," Ella stated as she hesitated at the doorway.

"I'm sure, I'm almost finished, and the rest can wait until later. What brings you back downstairs? You're usually eager to escape the classroom by the end of the day," Carreen said with a hint of teasing in her tone.

Ella gave her a small grin as she entered the room and grabbed hold of the straight back wooden chair that sat in the corner of classroom and dragged it towards the desk.

"I thought maybe we could talk," she answered somewhat shyly.

"What's wrong dear?" she asked gently as she took in Ella's worried expression.

"I think I do everything wrong," she admitted quietly.

Seeing Ella's serious demeanor, Carreen rose from her seat and shut the classroom door. She returned to her place behind the desk and looked into Ella's troubled green eyes.

"What happened?" she asked softly.

Ella explained to her about the disagreement between her parents concerning her attendance of the upcoming ball and then told of the argument she had with Rhett that Sunday afternoon.

"Am I wrong to feel that way?" she asked after she finished her story.

Carreen took her hand and squeezed it, "No, you're not wrong to feel that way but perhaps you could've discussed how you were feeling with him in a different manner."

"I know," she replied; "But sometimes it seems like the only way to make him take me seriously is to fight. When I try to explain myself calmly and nicely it's like he just sees a little girl and then proceeds to tell me what to do or how to feel and then dismisses me."

"I believe that there will always be a apart of your parents that will see you as the little girl you were, Ella; but as a young lady it is up to you to show them both that you are not a child anymore and that you can comport yourself in the manner of a grown woman who is capable of thinking not only about the decisions of her life but the consequences that go with them. You also have to be able to show that you can control your emotions, most importantly your temper in times of distress or disagreement. If you can do those things they will see you the way you want to be seen. You can't allow yourself to fall into tantrums, Ella; it only cements the image of a child in their minds."

Ella lowered her eyes to the smooth wood of the desk. She knew Carreen was right but she didn't know how to do the things she spoke of especially when she was up against Rhett. It was so hard feeling as if she were in limbo between childhood and adulthood. It seemed sometimes that she was lost in a maze and that no matter where she turned she slammed into a wall. How was she ever going to figure it all out?

Carreen pondered Ella's silence, hoping she hadn't offended her. "I didn't mean to sound harsh," she whispered.

"You weren't," Ella quickly reassured her. "I was just thinking about what you said. It's hard to control my temper sometimes and I guess it does make me look childish. I just don't know how to stop it from happening."

Carreen laughed softly, "You'll never be able to stop it from happening completely, dear."

"Why not?" she asked.

"Because that temper is the O'Hara blood in you, there isn't any getting rid of it."

"I wouldn't want to," Ella replied with sincerity.

"Do you really feel that your step-father doesn't love you, Ella?" Carreen asked.

She was a quiet for a moment as she thought over the question. "It's not really that I feel he doesn't love me, just that I feel like he doesn't love me as much as my siblings."

"I see," Carreen said as she searched for the right words to help her niece. "This isn't a problem that is unique to you, Ella; it's very common and happens all the time when one child feels as though he or she is in competition with their siblings. I figure you can probably find this problem in any family that has several children, probably most especially in homes where there are children who only have one parent in common instead of both."

"I'm not the only one who feels this way?" Ella asked feeling some relief that she wasn't an oddity among people.

"Of course you're not, Your Aunt Suellen felt that way all the time."

"She did?"

"Oh yes, Suellen always felt like Pa favored Scarlett and that just ate her up inside. She didn't feel as though he loved her as much as Scarlett, in fact she felt that no one loved her as much as they did Scarlett and that was one of the reasons she could never get along with your mother."

"I always thought they didn't get along because of my father," Ella stated.

"Naturally that did cause great discord between them, but their rocky relationship stretches back to childhood because of those feelings of favoritism, but now that they are older, and perhaps a bit wiser," she said with a smile; "They are able to get along with each other."

"Was it always that way, even when they were small?" Ella asked.

"We all got along alright when we were little; I think the trouble set in when they became school age. Pa loved all three of us and he spoiled all of us but Suellen never felt like she was treated the same."

"What about you?" Ella asked.

Carreen gave her a wistful smile, "There were times when I was jealous of both of them, sometimes because they were older and sometimes because I thought they received more of my parent's attention than me, but looking back I see that I was wrong."

"How were you wrong?"

"For starters, I believe the three of us hold a rather rose colored memory of our mother. We made her into a saint in our minds but when you push past that haze and look at how it really was you see it differently. Mother didn't favor one of us over the other, at least not that I could tell. I don't believe she was around enough to do so. She was always away taking care of someone else or running Tara from behind her desk. Sometimes it seemed as though Scarlett presided over the dinner table more than mother did. She loved us and she gave us what time she could but looking back it doesn't seem like enough which is probably why we've built her up in our minds."

"I don't think mother and aunt Sue have those rose colored views of Grandmother O'Hara anymore, at least not since they found her diary," Ella replied.

"What diary?" Carreen asked.

Ella's face paled; obviously the elder O'Hara sisters had kept the knowledge of the diary a secret. "I thought that you knew that they had found Grandmother O'Hara's diary," she replied.

Carreen shook her head, "No, when did this happen?"

"It's been awhile ago, before James was born. It's probably been about six years. It was summertime and mother, Joy and I went to Tara while Wade went with Uncle Rhett on a business trip. Aunt Sue wanted to clean out Grandmother's room and mother found it in the closet under a loose floor board."

"They read it?" Carreen whispered.

Ella nodded her face full of regret at revealing the secret to her aunt.

"What was in it?" she asked.

"I've never read it so I don't really know everything that it said."

"You know something about it though, I can tell by the look in your eyes."

Ella chewed on her bottom lip nervously before speaking. "I only know that there was something about another man, someone named Philippe. Mother and Suellen were very upset and I couldn't understand everything they were saying, not that I was supposed to be listening," she remarked.

"Go on," Carreen encouraged.

"They were crying, I remember hearing Aunt Sue say that she felt like her whole life had been a lie."

"I don't remember my mother knowing anyone named Philippe," Carreen said quietly confusion clouding her blue eyes.

"Mother and Suellen didn't seem to know who he was either. Apparently whoever he was, Grandmother loved him and she never stopped loving him. Mother kept ranting about how Grandfather had lost his mind grieving over her and that she hadn't deserved it."

Carreen took in the details of the family secret that had apparently been revealed to everyone but her, reminding her once again of how far removed she was from her sisters.

"I'm sorry, Aunt Carreen; I didn't know that they didn't tell you. I just assumed mother had written it in one of her letters to you."

Carreen gave her a reassuring smile, "It's alright Ella, I'm sure they have their reasons for not telling me. They probably thought they were protecting me from something hurtful but lets not dwell on such unhappy things, tell me how your classes were today," she stated as she steered the conversation in a different direction.

She chatted with Ella, doing her best to chase away the girl's worries while trying to keep her own thoughts from spiraling out of control. What secrets did Ellen O'Hara have that were so damning that her sisters had thought it best not to share them with her? She felt the walls of the convent closing in around her once more and she struggled to keep her composure. It seemed like she was missing out on more than she had thought.

It was days after their return from Charleston before Scarlett needled Rhett enough to get him to disclose the full context of the conversation he had with Ella that had left their relationship even more strained than before. His dark eyes flashed with anger as he told her all that had been said.

"Can you believe the audacity of her saying such things to me?" he exclaimed slicing his hand through the air in an aggravated gesture.

Scarlett said nothing but her eyes remained locked on his as she sat on the foot of the bed.

Her silence only fueled his anger. "Don't tell me you're sitting there agreeing with her!"

"I didn't say I agreed with her," Scarlett stated calmly.

"Well you didn't say she was wrong," he replied leaning back into his chair.

"It's not my place to judge what she feels as being wrong," she answered.

"She is wrong," he said slowly; "and you know it."

"Do I?" she asked, her brow raised and her eyes glittering with a challenge.

"Say whatever it is that's on your mind, Scarlett," he told her; his tone dark and forbidding as he rose from his seat to pace the room.

"I think she made a few valid points," she answered.

"Such as?"

"Such as the things she said about her childhood. Bonnie was favored over her and Wade, when you get right down to it you favored her over me."

"At least she accepted my love and attention unlike you who preferred your obsession with Ashley Wilkes."

"This isn't about that! We put that behind us long ago, Rhett. The point I was trying to make is that Ella knows and has always known that she didn't match up to Bonnie in your eyes. Ella wasn't given the same freedoms as Bonnie and she remembers that."

"What freedoms?" he asked.

"Oh, Rhett; you know what I mean. Bonnie was allowed to run wild while Ella was disciplined."

"I wouldn't call it, discipline Scarlett. Wade and Ella behaved differently because you spent their early childhood making them terrified of you."

"If Ella was as terrified of me as you say, then why did she take to me so easily when you left us?" she shot back.

"I figure it's because you were all she had and because she is as desperate for attention as you've always been."

"My children have always known that I loved them!" she cried. "You just don't want to accept the truth of Ella's statement that you treated her differently than Bonnie."

"I do accept it!" he yelled. "I know I did everything wrong where Bonnie was concerned, that's why she's lying in the cemetery! Maybe I should've allowed you to have more say over her. She may have been fearful and unhappy but at least she'd be alive!" he thundered.

Tears stung her eyes, "That isn't fair, Rhett. I never purposely set out to make my children fear me or to make them unhappy. I must not have done to badly with Wade and Ella despite her views of their childhood. Wade is thriving and he seems to be happy and Ella is a good girl despite her troubles and besides the things she feels are about you not me. You need to stop blaming yourself for Bonnie's death, Rhett. I thought maybe you had but it's obvious you haven't and being so stern with Ella isn't going to ensure that harm never comes to her," Scarlett stated passionately.

Rhett chose to ignore the last part of her statement and instead focused on the issue of Ella's supposed feelings. "I've done everything I can do for Ella, Scarlett. I'd give my life for her just as easily as I would for Joy and James and surely you know that. She's just being ridiculous with all these statements that she has been treated differently and unfairly, especially when she says that I hold it against her that she is Frank's daughter."

"Well do you hold it against her Rhett?" she questioned. She hadn't intended to travel down that lane of thought but her ire at her husband compelled her to do so. She wasn't as easily convinced that her daughter's feelings were something to be taken lightly and she couldn't understand why he refused to see that when he usually did his best to see an argument from both sides.

His voice was practically a growl as he stated, "Don't be absurd."

"I don't think it's absurd at all," she replied figuring she may as well lay it all out for him. "Ella is the reminder of how you couldn't help me when I needed you. You had me right where you wanted me but couldn't do a damn thing about it and that's how I ended up married to Frank."

"That has nothing to do with Ella."

"It has everything to do with Ella! If I hadn't needed money I wouldn't have married Frank and she wouldn't be here."

"I have never held it against Ella that she was Frank's child. Do I wish she didn't belong to Frank? The answer is yes for the simple fact that I wished she was mine from the moment I knew you were carrying her!"

"When you finally came back home, you did make the statement that you couldn't stand it that I was being mother of the year to Frank Kennedy's daughter when I hadn't given the same treatment to Bonnie."

"I said that in a moment of anger, Scarlett. I said it because I was angry at myself for still wanting you, for still being in love with you and besides Ella didn't hear me say that."

"No she didn't hear you say it but who knows what she has heard over the years, perhaps you could have been a little more understanding with her on that matter."

"I can't believe this!" he roared in frustration. "I have raised her as my own and the two of you want to act like I locked her in the cellar and only fed her stale bread."

"That's not what I said at all!" she yelled. "I know you've taken care of Ella. I know you love her!"

"Then act like it!" he yelled back, his eyes reflecting his fury. "This is all because I denied her the privilege of attending a damn ball."

"All I was trying to say is that you could've been more compassionate in regards to her feelings after all she does have a few legitimate claims, Rhett."

"Then why has she waited so long to air her grievances?" he asked.

"I don't know," she stated with annoyance. "Maybe she was afraid of the reaction she would get from you. I know that is why I wasn't always able to tell you things in the past."

"She's just being a spoiled brat who caused the trouble she finds herself in and then wants to blame her problems on someone else."

Scarlett frowned, "But what if she is serious, Rhett? What if she really believes you love her the least?"

"It's an act, Scarlett! You should know that you've pulled enough of those stunts in your time."

"Ella's not me!" she cried. "She is her own person!"

"I know she's not you but everything she has done this past year screams that she's trying to be you whether she knows it or not. Don't you see it, Scarlett? Don't you look at her and see yourself reflected back at you? I look at her and I see you at that age all over again, pouting because she wants to dance and is being told she can't. I can't allow her to make the mistakes we made, I can't allow her to ruin her chances at happiness like we almost did!" he argued.

"How will we know if we're teaching her anything, Rhett, if we keep her caged up like a song bird? We're only going to end up pushing her further away. That's why I thought we could allow small reprieves like attending a ball."

"What do you want me to do, Scarlett? Bring her home, throw her a party and allow her to do as she pleases? Is that what you want?"

"Of course not," she replied angrily. "I just want to show her that we haven't lost trust in her completely."

"We can't back down now," he ground out slowly.

"I'm not suggesting that we back down. I believe being in Charleston is good for her but on the issue of the ball I think you could be lenient."

"I've made my decision."

"There were times when we were lenient with Wade," she reminded him.

"That was different!" he exclaimed.

"Why because he was a boy?" she asked.

"Yes, bringing up a boy is completely different from bringing up a girl."

"Well I think that is completely unfair!" she yelled.

"I don't make the rules of society, Scarlett!"

"No but you sure as hell were good at breaking them," she shot.

"Given your past, you know that a girl's reputation is more easily ruined than a man's."

"It seems to me a girl's reputation is only easily ruined at the hands of a man with whom society has been lenient and forgiving with!" she exclaimed her eyes flashing with fury.

"If you are referring to our early relationship, my dear; all I can say is that you can't ruin the willing."

"How dare you!" she raged. "Do you really think I wanted to be a social pariah?"

"I think you were willing to be almost anything if it meant you could shed your widows weeds and your phony grief, and it was even better for you if you were able to get your hands on someone's money in the process," he replied.

"And you were any better?" she asked. "You only married me because that was the only way you could have me."

"That's what you think," he told her.

"That's what I know!" she insisted.

"This isn't about us; it's about your daughter."

"I thought she was our daughter," she stated.

"At the moment I'm not sure I want to claim either one of you!" he yelled.

The words stung her momentarily but she held her ground. "I don't want to claim you either when you're acting like an ass!" she shouted.

"Maybe I should have left you with the nuns in Charleston, perhaps you could've learned a few lessons," he returned.

"I'll seek advice at a convent when you enter a monastery!" she declared.

"I can't believe you are so taken in by this nonsense, Scarlett," he seethed. "I've never denied her anything."

"No you haven't denied her but you are a master at convincing people that you feel one way when really you feel something else entirely."

"I played that game with you, Scarlett; not the children. If Ella really feels that way then I don't know what to tell her except that she must've built up some perceived slight as evidence of a lack of affection for her on my part. She's the one who's convinced herself of these things not me. She needs to grow up and stop acting like a child and then maybe she'll see things for what they are!"

"You can't tell her how she should feel, Rhett."

"I'm aware of that, my dear, that is why I'm not arguing the point with her. If she wants to live in this alternate reality she has created then she may do so if it pleases her but I'll tell you one thing she won't be going to that ball because I intend to be in Charleston to see to it!"

"You can't do that!" she cried.

"I can and I will."

"I already told her she can go," she replied.

"Damn it, Scarlett!" he roared making her flinch slightly. "You can't keep doing this! This is why she acts the way she does."

"It's only one night, Rhett; honestly you're just being mean," she answered.

He gave a bitter laugh, "I wash my hands of this whole matter, Scarlett. I'm through trying to discipline her and having you go behind me and undo everything. Miss Ella is free to do as she pleases. She can leave school, runaway; she can go out onto the street and marry the first scalawag that crosses her path! I won't lift a finger to stop her."

"You don't mean that," Scarlett stated in exasperation as he moved towards the door.

"Don't tell me what to feel," he said mockingly as he threw open the bedroom door and allowed it to slam against the wall.

"Where are you going?" she called after him but he didn't answer.

All that was to be heard was his footsteps on the stairs and moments later the front door opening and slamming shut. The slam of the door echoed through her brain. It wasn't a sound she was accustomed to any longer. Since their reconciliation almost ten years ago they had both strived at keeping control of their tempers. There had only been one major lapse five years ago that had ultimately led to the birth of James but this time was different. They had waded into unknown territory and Scarlett wasn't entirely sure how to handle it. She felt torn between her husband and her daughter. She loved them both and she knew that Rhett had done right by her children but she also knew that Ella wouldn't have said the things she did unless she really felt the way she claimed.

It was a prickly situation she found herself in. If she sided with Rhett, she'd most likely push Ella further away and if she sided with Ella too much it could ultimately send her happy marriage that she worked so hard to achieve into a nasty tailspin. She didn't have long to contemplate the problem for a tearful Joy appeared in the doorway.

"What's wrong, baby?" she asked softly holding her arms out toward her child.

Joy flew into her mother's embrace, her tears soaking Scarlett's green velvet dressing gown as she lifted her onto her lap.

"You and Daddy were yelling," she sobbed.

Shame washed over her. She and Rhett were always careful to keep their arguments behind their closed bedroom door and they always made it a point to keep their voices from rising enough to disturb sleeping children down the hall.

"I'm sorry we woke you darling," she said quietly keeping her tone soothing as she rubbed the little girl's back. "Your Daddy and I were just having a disagreement."

"It scared me," she whimpered. She was unaccustomed to such disharmony between her parents.

"I'm sorry," Scarlett repeated.

"Did he hit you?" Joy asked raising her watery green eyes to her mother's face.

"God's nightgown," Scarlett exclaimed; "Of course not, why would you ever think such a thing?"

"Maggie Parker says that her daddy hits her mama when they yell at each other."

"I would never, ever hit your mother, Joy," Rhett stated from the doorway startling both of them.

"Not even if you were really really mad at her?" Joy questioned.

Rhett crossed the room and dropped to his knees in front of them. "Nothing in this world would ever make me angry enough to strike your mother. A respectable man never hits a woman; he walks away and deals with his anger on his own."

Joy looked up at her mother for confirmation. "Your father has never hit me and I know he never would. He's a good man and good men don't do those things," Scarlett said patiently.

"Why does Maggie's daddy do those things?" Joy asked.

"Because Mr. Parker is fond of doing things he shouldn't," Rhett explained; "But those things don't happen in this house."

Joy accepted his answer as she remained in the comforting circle of her mother's arms. "Why were you yelling?" she questioned.

"Because sometimes mothers and fathers disagree and they get angry. It isn't much different from when you and James yell at each other," Scarlett told her.

"I don't want you to yell at each other anymore," Joy demanded as her eyes began to droop with sleepiness once more.

Rhett smiled and brushed a black curl from her cheek. "We'll try to do better" he stated his eyes meeting Scarlett's gaze.

She smiled back at him feeling some of the tension lift from her shoulders. Together they took Joy back to her room and tucked her back in her bed. Quietly they returned to the sanctuary of their bedroom, closing the door behind them.

Standing in the center of the room Scarlett turned to Rhett. "I thought you left," she murmured as his hands slipped around her waist. "I heard the front door slam."

"I was going to leave," he admitted; "but I slammed the door and came back upstairs."

"What changed your mind?" she asked.

"I remembered that I am no longer the man that runs from you, my dear," he answered his voice low and void of his anger.

"I suppose we've come a long way since then haven't we?" she stated as she allowed her arms to slip around him and her head to fall against his shoulder.

He laughed lightly, "Yes I suppose we have. I no longer run from you and you haven't thrown anything at me in years."

She laughed but then turned thoughtful once more. "I'm sorry, Rhett" she whispered.

"For what?" he asked.

"For sounding like I was taking Ella's side against you."

"It's alright, my dear," he answered. "You have every right to champion her and to take me to task if you think I'm being unfair."

She sighed deeply, "I don't know which way to turn anymore," she confided. "I feel like no matter what I do I'm going to anger one of you and I hate the thought of that."

"You have to do what you feel is right, Scarlett," he answered; "And maybe you are right in the fact that I could be more understanding of the sensitivities of a seventeen year old girl."

"That's all I'm asking for, Rhett," she replied raising her head to look at him.

He brushed a light kiss across her forehead. "She's our first girl, Scarlett; it's hard to let her go and I guess we're going to make mistakes just as she is but I have confidence that in the end everything will turn out fine and Ella and I will be able to iron out our differences just as you and Wade have through the years."

"I hope so."

"You'll see we'll all be fine," he told her.

"Will you reconsider your decision regarding the ball?" Scarlett asked.

A heavy sigh escaped him, "I don't know I'll have to think about it."

She looked at him with her eyes sparkling with mischief, "I'll just have to work hard to convince you."

"God help us all when you take it into your head to convince me of something," he replied with a laugh before kissing her passionately and pulling her towards their bed.

Eleanor Butler laid aside her embroidery as Rosemary's husband Samuel entered her parlor. "Any news for me?" she asked as she took off her wire framed glasses.

"I'm still investigating but I have gathered some information," he answered taking a seat across from her.

"Anything of interest?"

"Very," he replied.

"Well don't keep an old woman in suspense," she lightly bereted.

"The Mother Superior is the former Miss Agnes Lucinda Sheffield. She is a daughter of a farmer named George Sheffield. They lived in a small town outside of Charleston. It was a large family of ten children, Agnes being the third born. The Sheffield's hired out their older children for extra income. The Sinclair family hails from New York where they make their fortune in publishing but they have always held a home here in Charleston that they refer to as their country estate. Agnes caught the eye of Mr. Randolph Sinclair and from what I've heard, she did nothing to discourage his attentions despite the fact that he was a married man. Mr. Sinclair hired Agnes as a maid for his home in June of 1838 while he and his wife Malinda were residing here. Being from the North they didn't approve of having darkies," he explained.

"I've spoken to a few people who remember Agnes from that time and apparently she wasn't a well liked young lady. She's been described as being manipulative, conniving, and overly ambitious and being downright nasty towards anyone or anything she deemed beneath her despite the fact that she had no social standing at all."

"Obviously being in the convent has done nothing to curb those traits," Eleanor stated as Samuel took a break from his narrative. "Is Randolph Sinclair still living?" she asked.

"No, he died about ten years ago and his wife more than three years ago," he answered.

"Children?"

"Three, the oldest being Joseph, who is the father of Margo and then there is a son named Jeffery and a daughter Camille."

While Eleanor stored away the answers to questions she had asked, Samuel spoke once more.

"There is something interesting that needs further investigating."

"What is it?"

"The Sinclair's were to return to New York in September of 1838 but suddenly decided on a hasty trip to Europe taking Miss Agnes Sheffield with them."

"Very interesting," Eleanor said raising an eyebrow. "Very interesting indeed."

"Mr. Sinclair's sister, Julia Sinclair Phillips is still alive and lives in New York. From what I have been able to gather she has made it known that she despises Agnes Sheffield. Luckily business is taking me to New York this week and I intend to seek her out and see if she will speak to me about the issue."

"Wonderful," Eleanor stated with a smile. "You've done a splendid job, Samuel. Please let me know all that you've learned as soon as you get back."

"I will," he answered as he stood to leave. "I feel confident that we will be able to expose this Mother Superior for what she truly is."

"I for one can not wait to deliver her down fall," Eleanor stated with a gleam in her eye.