Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews!

Chapter 16 – Live To Tell

Rhett arrived home Sunday afternoon to find Scarlett sitting on the sofa in the parlor with James dozing on her lap.

"Is he ill?" Rhett asked as he sat down across from them. His son was so full of energy and mischief that he had stopped taking naps when he was only a year old.

"No," she replied. "You know he doesn't sleep well when you're away from home."

"I don't know why," he answered; "He's perfectly safe with you."

She shrugged slightly and then smiled, "Perhaps he doesn't believe his mother is capable of protecting him in event of an emergency."

Rhett laughed quietly, "Then we'll have Wade tell him about you standing up against the Yankees at Tara."

"He'd probably like that story," Scarlett agreed.

"I'm sure he would. Where is Joy?" he asked.

"She's spending the afternoon with her friend Rachael," she replied.

Rhett was quiet as he watched his son sleep peacefully in his mother's lap.

"I didn't get any wires from Charleston," she commented wryly.

He smirked, "There were no casualties."

"So I was right?" she asked.

"Right about what, my dear?"

She rolled her eyes in exasperation, "That you let Ella go to the ball."

He chuckled lightly, "Yes Scarlett, Ella went to the ball."

"Did she have a good time or did you hound her the entire evening?"

"I danced with her once; we had an amicable conversation and then stayed out of her way the rest of the evening. She danced, she laughed, she flirted, and she won a dance card war and was in my mother's opinion the belle of the ball," he told her.

Scarlett beamed with pride, "That's what I wanted to hear."

"You can rest easy, you're legacy is being carried on," he teased her.

"See, I told you it wouldn't hurt for her to go," she remarked with a knowing smile.

"I bow to your wisdom, my dear," he replied humorously.

She laughed quietly mindful of the sleeping child she held. "You should bow to me more often."

He laughed lightly, "If I did that you might take it into your head that you are a queen and can have your way with everything."

She smiled coyly, "I was under the impression that I was already your Queen."

He smiled warmly as he gazed at her, "You're right, you've always been my Queen, Scarlett."

"That's what I thought," she stated smugly.

"The best part about that though is that it makes me the King," he replied.

"Who told you that?" she asked, her eyes glittering with amusement.

"Myself of course," he answered.

"Do you know why you're the only one that has told you that?" she questioned.

"No, and I can't wait for you to tell me why that is," he responded.

"It's because you are the only one that believes it," she teased as she laid James on the sofa next to her.

"You'll pay for that comment later," he stated suggestively.

"I'm familiar with your forms of payment, Rhett Butler," Scarlett replied.

He laughed as he rose from his chair and crossed the floor to the sofa. Stopping before her he bent and captured her lips in a kiss.

"Have I ever told you how nice it is to come home to you?" he asked honestly.

Love for him filled her eyes, "Once or twice," she replied softly as she stood and wrapped her arms around him.

The final days of October faded away and November settled in, bringing with it cooler air that swept across the city. The autumn leaves that Ella had admired weeks before now littered the streets and lawns. That first week of November brought the delivery of mail. Ella waited patiently with the other girls as they crowded into the outer office of the school. After what seemed to be forever the mail was sorted and she was handed a package and a few letters.

Ella hurried back to her room and sat down at her desk. Using her letter opener she sliced open the box. Inside on top of a carefully wrapped object was a sheet paper. She recognized Wade's handwriting and she eagerly skimmed the note which apologized for the lateness of her birthday gift and instructing her to blame Molly if she didn't like. Molly had picked it out he told her, causing her to smirk at how obviously smitten he was with this girl. Ella carefully unwrapped the object to reveal a smooth white porcelain box decorated with hand painted flowers in bright colors of pinks, purples, and blues. The box had a gold trim and when she found that her name had been painted on the under side of the ld. She smiled happily, admiring the beautiful box that would become a place to store her jewelry or other small keepsakes. She'd have to write Wade and let him know that it had arrived in one piece and she'd be sure to include a note for Molly thanking her for picking something so lovely.

She rewrapped her gift and tucked into a drawer for safe keeping. She'd take it to Eleanor's and leave it there for she didn't trust Margo not to come into her room while she wasn't there. Ella then turned her attention to the letters that had arrived. Her heart leapt as she recognized Johnny's scratchy handwriting scrawled across the envelope.

"Finally," she whispered. She had been starting to think that he had forgotten about her but now her doubts vanished and she hastily tore open the envelope and pulled out the thin piece of paper. Her eyes hungrily read his words and then read them again thinking that she had misunderstood what it said. Her heart thudded against her ribs and she was sure she had felt it shatter into a million pieces as she read the letter for a third time.

Ella,

I'm only writing to you to tell you to stop pestering me. I don't love you and I never have. I'm not going to come for you and I'm not going to marry you. I only asked you to marry me because you're rich and I don't think it's fair that one person should have all of that money to themselves, especially when that person is a girl who will waste it all on stupid hats and dresses. Why should you have it all while I have nothing? I never really wanted you to be my wife; in fact I don't think I could stand being chained to you all my life. Your money might have it made it easier but really it isn't worth it. You're too much of a child and you let your parents run your life.

I'm with Mary Lou Howsare now, she doesn't let her daddy control her and she goes along with everything I want to do, which is more than I can say for you. Mary Lou is a lot more prettier than you and she's rich too, maybe not as rich as you but still rich enough for me. Stop writing to me, she doesn't like it and really it just makes you look pathetic. I don't want anything to do with you. As far as I'm concerned Rhett Butler can keep you and your money because you aren't worth the aggravation. Go find someone as boring as you are and leave me alone.

-Jonathan Reid

Her fingers trembled and the sheet of paper slipped to the floor. It took a few minutes for the shock to subside, for his harsh words to sink in and for her tears to start falling. It hurt so badly that she felt that she couldn't possibly survive the heartache or the humiliation washing over her. He never loved her, how was that possible? She had loved him with all of her heart, she had been willing to risk everything to marry him and he didn't even love her? Memories of the past year rolled through her mind. What about all of those stolen kisses? What about all the times she had slipped out after dark to meet him? The times when he had held her hand and walked her home from school. What about the times when she had allowed him to talk her into doing reckless things like riding with him while he raced the buggy against other boys. What about the time when he had dared her to drink whiskey from his flask? She got caught sneaking in that night and her mother had smelled the alcohol on her breath. Scarlett had screamed at her so loudly that she was surprised that her voice hadn't shattered the windows and the next day she and Rhett both made sure to slam the doors and speak loudly just to aggravate the pounding in her head.

None of that meant anything to him?

She sobbed harder remembering all the sweet things he had whispered in her ear. How pretty she was, how kind and how special she was. The times when he had brought her flowers and candy, and she hadn't even cared when she found out that he had stolen the candy from her mother's store, after all they weren't going to go bankrupt over a few small boxes of chocolates. A whole year wasted on someone who didn't love her, someone who looked at her and saw dollar signs. It didn't seem fair. What had she done wrong? Was it because she wasn't pretty enough? Was it because she would allow him to push her too far despite him telling her that if she loved him she would let him? Was she wrong to insist that she had to be married first? She didn't want to be one of those girls that had to get married quickly because they had given in to the man they loved. Was she really boring like he had said? She had never thought she was boring, she was popular at her school in Atlanta, and she had lots of friends and was always invited to social gatherings. Her dance card was always full and she had lacked for attention from other boys but she had sent them all away in favor of Johnny.

Her mother and Rhett had been right. He was just using her and she had been too stupid to realize it. She rose from her place at her desk and moved to her bed to lay down. She cried into her pillow for hours, not even taking the time to go downstairs for dinner.

The next few days passed slowly as the sadness and hurt lingered in her heart. Alice and Sarah questioned her sullen demeanor and she told them that her relationship with Johnny was over for good. She was too embarrassed to admit that he had made a fool of her and too ashamed to share the harsh words he had written. At night when she was alone, she cried; hating herself for being naïve, hating him for being a liar and a cad, and hating all of the people who knew all along that she was a fool.

She carried the crumpled note in her pocket everyday even though it was pointless to do so. She didn't understand why she continued to slip it into her pocket every morning; every word was embossed upon her brain. Perhaps it was fear that someone would find it and announce her shame to the world. It would be something that Margo would take pride in and she couldn't risk that. Her mind was consumed with her heartbreak, causing her to fail her arithmetic exam but she didn't care. The semester would end a few days before Christmas and she'd be going back to Atlanta and the thought of it suddenly made her sick.

How could she return home not knowing when she might run into Johnny? How would she be able to stand seeing him with someone else? She sighed deeply; perhaps she'd have to make Charleston her permanent residence. Ella considered that thought briefly but then brushed it away, staying in Charleston would only make her a coward she couldn't stand for that and she doubted if her mother would go along with the idea. The whole situation made her stomach hurt on a daily basis and she wondered how long she was going to feel this way. The only bright side to the whole mess was that her parents would be happy to know that Johnny had shown her his true colors and maybe then they'd cut her some slack, but on the other hand, she reasoned they would most likely hold it over her head for the rest of her life.

"I really know how to make a mess of things," she whispered into the darkness of her room as she lay awake once again.

The week after she received the letter, Carreen pulled her aside after the morning service. "I want to talk to you after classes today," she told her.

"Alright," Ella replied. "Where should I meet you?"

"I'll come to your room," she answered; "So we can speak privately."

Ella nodded and moved on the dining hall for breakfast where she did her best to act more like herself and carry on a light conversation with her friends. Margo had been ignoring her since she lost the dance card war but Ella knew that the girl was just waiting on perfect time to strike next.

The day dragged by but finally classes ended and Ella made her way to her room to await her aunt. A half hour later, Carreen knocked on her door and Ella allowed her in.

Carreen sat down on the bed and patted the spot next to her for Ella to sit down. After she did so Carreen turned to her niece and asked, "What's wrong, Ella?"

Ella shrugged, "Nothing."

"It doesn't seem like nothing," she replied as she studied her face. "You haven't been yourself the last several days and I'm hearing that you're distracted in class."

Ella smirked, "Nothing stays secret around here does it?"

"Ella," Carreen stated a hint of firmness in her tone.

Ella sighed, "I know I haven't been myself."

"Maybe you'd feel better if you talked about it."

Tears stung her eyes and she did her best to keep them from falling.

"Ella, please tell me what has you so upset," her aunt whispered as she took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"I've been writing to Johnny," she answered raising her eyes to see Carreen's reaction.

To her credit, Carreen kept her features from displaying any thoughts she may have on the topic. "Has he written to you?" she asked.

Ella shook her head "He ignored the first several letters but I thought that maybe his replies were lost in the mail or that he was just afraid of Uncle Rhett finding out but now I know I was wrong."

"How do you know you're wrong?"

The tears she had been fighting to hold back finally spilled down her cheeks as she pulled the letter from her pocket and handed it to Carreen.

"Because I got that letter last week."

Carreen unfolded the paper and read the letter. "Oh Ella, I'm so sorry," she said softly as she pulled her into her embrace.

"He never loved me, Aunt Carreen," she sobbed. "He never loved me."

"It will be alright," she answered as she patted her back.

"No it won't, he made a fool out of me and everyone will know it. Mother and Uncle Rhett were right, he was just using me. I'm such a fool! How could I be so stupid?"

"You're not a fool, Ella; we all make mistakes," Carreen assured her.

"I loved him, I wanted to marry him and I didn't care about what anyone said about him. I tried to be everything he wanted. Why did he lie? Why didn't he love me back?"

"I don't have the answers to those questions, all I can say is that he isn't a good man and he isn't worth your tears or your heart. You'll find someone else, someone who will truly love you and is worthy of you."

Ella pulled away from her and shook her head, "No, I'm never going to fall in love again! I won't be made a fool of again! It hurts too much."

"No Ella, don't say that," Carreen stated passionately.

"Why?" she questioned. "I'll probably be better off."

Carreen hesitated for a moment before answering, "Because you don't want to be like me."

"Why does everyone keep telling me not to be like them?" Ella exclaimed. "All I hear from mother is that I shouldn't be like her and you say I shouldn't be like you and I'm sure if Aunt Sue was given a chance she'd tell me not to be like her."

"We tell you these things because we love you, Ella; we don't want you to make the mistakes that we made. We don't want you to have to learn things the hard way like we did. We want you to benefit from our experience so you can avoid those problems."

Ella wiped away the traces of her tears, "What mistake did you make?"

Carreen was silent for a moment and her blue eyes held an anguished expression. "You're looking at the mistake I made," she said quietly.

Confusion flashed across Ella's face. "I don't understand."

Carreen's eyes filled with tears and she took a minute to compose her thoughts. "I fell in love once," she began.

"I know, Mother told me," Ella replied.

Carreen smiled wistfully, "I loved Brent for as long as I could remember but he and his brother Stu had eyes only for your mother for the longest time. Of course I am three years younger than Scarlett so I wasn't surprised that he didn't pay me much attention and I was never as bothered about being in Scarlett's shadow as Suellen was. I figured my turn would come one day and it did. I considered myself lucky that the man I loved was the one to finally pay attention to me. I thought it was fate, that god was telling me that Brent had been picked for me long before hand. It wasn't easy being in a relationship with someone during the war. It seemed like the world was in chaos and I had to be content with a few letters and seeing him when he was able to come home on leave."

The tears were falling now and Ella handed her one of her handkerchiefs.

"When Brent died I thought for sure that my heart would never be capable of loving anyone again. My grief for him and for all my dreams that were shattered overwhelmed me and then Mother, Suellen, and I got sick with typhoid. The haze of illness was the only respite I had from those feelings of loss but then when the fog cleared enough for me to realize what was going on around me I was told that Mother was gone and that Pa was no longer himself. The pain of losing Mother brought back the pain of losing Brent and in a way I felt I had lost Pa also. I couldn't handle it all. I closed off my heart and somehow I got lost inside myself. I just faded into the background watching Scarlett struggle to care for all of us and watching Suellen become bitter. I felt so alone and I couldn't talk to anyone about what I was feeling deep down inside."

"Why didn't you talk to Mother?" Ella asked as she brushed away a stray tear.

Carreen shook her head and swallowed hard, "I couldn't. You're mother was too young for all the responsibility heaped upon her and that coupled with her own fears and her own grief that she wasn't able to express and her worries made her seem unapproachable and I couldn't bear the thought of burdening her with my problems when she had so many others. I don't think she would've had the sensitivity I needed back then, not that I felt that she didn't care about me, I know she did, she just had so much to deal with and no one to help her. There were times when I'd hear her crying late at night and I just couldn't allow myself to add to her burdens."

"What about Aunt Sue?" Ella questioned.

"Suellen was so resentful during that time that the only person she cared about was herself. She couldn't accept the fact that she had to help with the work and that she couldn't have new things. Like I said she was bitter and she spent most her time taking her anger out on Scarlett and of course Scarlett always returned the favor," she stated with a small smile.

"So what did you do?" Ella asked. "How did you get through it?"

"I thought about what my Mother would've done. She always seemed to find comfort in her religion so I picked up her bible and drowned myself in it. The years passed and the war ended but I still didn't feel any better. Scarlett married your father which of course only ignited the feud between her and Sue even more. Then Pa died and that knocked me down some more. Suellen married Will and I had made the decision to enter the convent. I had Will ask Scarlett not to try and stop me and for whatever reason she obeyed that command even though I could tell she wasn't happy about it."

"Do you wish she would've stopped you?"

"Not at first, but for the last several years I wished she had fought me," she confessed.

"Why? What changed?" Ella asked.

"I don't know… well maybe that's not entirely true, the first few years, I was fine being here, learning the ways of the convent and it seemed to be good for me. I was able to deal with my grief and able to get past it after awhile, but then I started to feel restless and trapped. I began to think about all of the things I was missing out on. Scarlett was carrying you when I entered the convent and she wrote to me when you were born and it wasn't long before Suellen wrote announcing that she was expecting a baby. The years passed and more letters came announcing Scarlett's marriage to Rhett, the birth of Bonnie, losing Bonnie, the turmoil of what she thought for sure was the end of her marriage and then the letters about getting closer to her children, reconciling with Rhett, the arrivals of Joy and James, finally finding the happiness she longed for. Suellen wrote of learning to love Will, of letting go of the past, about burying the hatchet with Scarlett, the births of her three girls, and her life at Tara. They were both moving on, creating families, making peace with themselves and the past and I was stuck here, alone, with all of these scars that they were able to overcome with time while I fled to get away from mine. I felt jealous sometimes, wishing I hadn't been so hasty, that I would've tried to find someone to love. I want what Scarlett and Suellen have. I want a husband and babies of my own and I can't have that here, I couldn't even have the joy of watching my nieces and nephews grow up. I have no one to blame but myself but sometimes I feel like I don't know how I'll go on."

"You could leave," Ella suggested softly.

"It's not that easy," she answered.

"Why? They can't force you to stay here can they?"

"No, I don't see how they can, especially since your step-father bought my share of Tara from the church."

"Then leave here, Aunt Carreen; you deserve so much better than this".

"I can't," she cried.

"Why can't you?" Ella demanded, her temper rising. "You're an O'Hara and Mama says an O'Hara can do whatever they want if they want it badly enough!"

Carreen smiled and wiped her tears, "I'm afraid I didn't inherit as much of the O'Hara strength or temper that you're mother and Suellen possess."

"That's just what you think! It's in there; you just have to look for it! If I've got it so do you! We'll leave together at the end of the semester. Mother will be thrilled."

"Ella, it isn't as easy as that."

"You keep saying that but you haven't told me why yet."

"Where would I go?" Carreen asked.

Ella gave her an exasperated look, her own problems forgotten for the time being. "You'll stay with us or you can stay with Aunt Sue, whichever you prefer."

"I don't want to be a burden to my sister's and their families."

"You wouldn't be a burden, there's plenty of room at our house."

"What would I do?"

"You can be a teacher, there's a new school in Atlanta and they're looking for teachers. I hope to teach there when I finish my studies."

"You have an answer for everything don't you," Carreen commented.

Ella smiled, "We'll you see I have this terrible habit of being like my mother."

"You're very good at it."

"So you'll go home with me?"

Carreen shook her head, "I can't, Ella. I want to but I can't. It's too late for me; I don't even know if I could adjust to living outside the convent after all of these years."

"My god, you're as stubborn as Mother," Ella complained bringing a laugh to Carreen's lips.

"I'll think about it," Carreen relented.

"Don't think about it, just do it!" Ella exclaimed.

"I'll think about it," she repeated as she rose from the bed. "I think we've had enough of a discussion for now, I'll leave you to work on your assignments."

As Carreen moved to toward the door, Ella called out to her and she turned to face her.

"Thank you," Ella told her.

"For what?"

"For letting me cry on your shoulder," she replied. "I was too ashamed to tell Alice and Sarah everything."

Carreen nodded, "And I thank you, Ella."

"For what?" she asked.

"For allowing me to do the same."

"Anytime," Ella told her as she left the room.

As Rhett entered the bedroom he caught sight of the book in Scarlett's hands as she sat in bed reading.

"Why do you keep reading it, Scarlett?" he asked as his eyes took in the sight of the worn leather book she held and it's faded gold lettering that spelled out Ellen Solange Robillard at the bottom corner of the cover.

She sighed and closed the volume, running her hand over the cracked leather. "I don't know," she answered. "I guess I keep trying to figure out why the women in this family get so caught up in the first man that pays them any attention. Mother never got over Philippe, Carreen went into the convent over Brent, Suellen never had a beau besides Frank and then there was me, but I don't think that's worth rehashing and now all of this with Ella. It's like some kind of Robillard curse."

"You overcame it," Rhett reminded her. "So did Suellen and so will Ella."

"But why are we like that, Rhett?" she asked.

"I don't know, Scarlett; maybe it's some subconscious need for affection that none of you realized was lacking in your lives."

She laid the diary on the night table as he sat down on the edge of the bed. "Every time I read that book I remember all the years I spent wanting to be like my mother only to find out I was like her in the worst possible ways and it makes me feel sick."

"The point is that you aren't her, Scarlett; you've made mistakes and learned from them. You got over Ashley; you learned to be a good mother and a good wife. You've matured and accepted that you are the person you are supposed to be, not the person Ellen O'Hara thought you should be."

"I just can't believe she wrote all of those things," she said with a gesture toward the book. "She didn't shy away from expounding on my father's faults and the fact that she could never love him the way a wife is supposed to and then there were what she saw as the faults of us girls."

"It doesn't mean that she didn't love you," he told her.

"I know, she wrote that she loved us but it's hard to believe that when a page later she's writing that she couldn't help but think that children with Philippe would've been different, and better, that she wished we had belonged to him. She thought Suellen and I were too selfish, too wild, too much of everything it seems and Carreen, who she wrote was the only one who had any similarities to her, she deemed as being too weak willed and would never out grow her childishness. I could've never done something like this. I know I've thought horrible things in the past but I would've never written them down for my children to find years later after I'm gone."

"I don't think she intended for you girls to find her diary my dear, I don't believe she wanted to hurt you."

"But we did find it and it did hurt us," Scarlett remarked.

"You should've burned it like Suellen wanted," he replied.

"What good would it do?" she exclaimed. "We had already read it and I highly doubt we'll ever forget what it says."

"If it was gone you wouldn't be able to keep torturing yourself by rereading it every time she comes to mind. You just keep branding it into your memory, allowing it to torment you and it's unnecessary, Scarlett. Why did you drag it out again anyway?"

She sighed, "The anniversary of her passing is coming."

"Wouldn't you rather remember her in a more positive way?" he asked.

"I can't seem to do that as much anymore. I just find it hard to accept that she would look at me and wish I was someone else, and then there are the things she said about me, about how I'd never make a good wife or mother. I don't think that was fair of her to say. It wasn't as if she ever truly taught me how to excel at either of those things. She taught me how to run the household and entertain guests and what you were supposed to act like in public and all of that nonsense. She never taught me how to love my children or what it took to have a good marriage so who was she to judge me?" she asked.

"You're right; she had no right to judge you. You were still a child when you had Wade and if she thought you were lacking in the area of being a mother than she should have taken you aside and helped you find your way," he told her. "I guess in some ways she was like my father."

"How so?" she asked.

"I was never good enough in his eyes. I was too rambunctious, too open minded, too laid back and care free. I wasn't anything like him and he couldn't stand it. My brother on the other hand did everything Father wanted. He was the King and I was the peasant. I can still clearly see him crossing my name from the family bible as if it would erase his blood from my veins."

"I'm sorry, Rhett; if he was still alive I'd tell him what a good man you are, I'd tell him that he was the one that should've been disowned."

Rhett smiled ruefully, "I would've liked to seen that, you would've been a worthy adversary for him, my pet; and I have no doubt that you would've won in battle against him."

"You're a better person than he was, Rhett; and a better father."

"I could never treat James that way, no matter what he had done. I could never tell him that he wasn't my son, and I could never treat Wade like that either."

"I know," she told him; "And I could never sit down and write horrible things about my daughters."

"Then I suppose we're on the right path, my dear."

"Do you think so?"

He nodded, "We've learned from our mistakes and the mistakes of our parents. We know how we want to raise our family and we're doing it. There have been bumps along the way between you and Wade and now between Ella and I and I'm sure there will be bumps with Joy and James but I'm confident that we'll overcome any obstacles and by the time they're all out of the house we should all be content with each other."

Scarlett laughed, "And then it's just you and me."

"Finally," Rhett replied. "Only fourteen more years until James goes to the University."

"That's a long wait," she replied.

"We'll find ways to amuse ourselves," he replied with a wink.

"You haven't told me about your trip to New York," Eleanor stated as she picked up her tea cup.

"Is there something of interest you'd like to hear about?" Samuel teased.

"You know there is," she answered with a small smile.

"Put her out of her misery Sam," Rosemary told him.

"Alright, I spoke with Julia Sinclair Philips."

"And?"

"And she's very eager to help you bring down Agnes Sheffield, she'll be sending you a packet with all of the proof you need."

"Why didn't she give it to you?" Eleanor asked.

"Because the evidence is at her home in Connecticut and I wasn't able to wait on her. I assure you she'll send what you need. Mrs. Philips despises Agnes and she's only kept quiet out of respect for her sister-in-law but now that she's gone she has no qualms about helping you."

"Did she tell you anything?" she asked.

"Oh yes, she told me all of it."

"Wonderful, tell me everything," she demanded.