Hello my dears! So sorry to keep you waiting. Long week and for the first time in 3 years I hit a slump in writing . The horror! I blame work and lack of sleep.

Glad to be back!

Hoping for more frequent updates this week.

So… the morning after!

Little Lion Man- Mumford and Sons

~~oo~~

Chapter 53: No different.

EPOV

I never felt so complete.

Perhaps it was the warm body tucked against me.

Naked.

Bella Swan was asleep beside me, nestled into me like it was the most natural thing to do.

Perhaps it was. She fit so well there in the curve of my body.

At some point in the night we had changed positions. I don't remember waking to move, but somehow, an instinctual sense perhaps, we had moved to our sides and she lay gently tucked in against me.

Naked.

Warm.

Beautiful.

My arm was draped easily over her waist, her hand gently covering mine as if to say, don't move.

I wouldn't dream of it.

I liked being here with her. And as the opportunities would be few and far between, I took advantage of it. So I lay there, tired but contented and watched her sleep. It was late, her clock read after four. I had no idea when we had finally fallen asleep, but the bit of rest I did get seemed so much more refreshing than having slept alone.

Having her there with me was like having been healed.

I felt at peace.

I felt at ease.

I felt good.

I also felt horny as hell, but it was a different feeling than how I usually found myself at waking.

Instead of an empty ache, this was more tangible. More alive.

It could have been the fact that her incredible ass was keeping my cock warm.

Could have been.

But it was more than that.

Bella had trusted me last night. Shared with me something that was not easily given up.

We had made love.

A few times.

I grinned against her shoulder and let my lips brush the soft skin there.

Bella had taken me into her body, and told me she loved me. Not just in her words but in how she touched me, how she looked at me as I made love to her. She accepted me for who I was, and what I desired.

Thoughts entered my mind over the conversation just before falling asleep.

Swallowing tightly I wondered if she really meant what she said.

She'd like some of what I wanted.

Spanking. Bondage. Sensory deprivation.

I was already needy for her, but thoughts of doing those things to her as a willing partner just made me more excited.

I had to behave.

She had to be sore.

Regardless of what she said, I had felt the bit of tension in her body the last time I entered her.

And she'd be sure to be very tender today.

I'd have to adjust some of what we did when we went over to my house.

And I wasn't the type that was into pain.

I never wanted to hurt Bella.

Pleasure her. Oh yes.

I had all manner of ideas for that.

Which didn't help my raging hard on as it pressed against her ass.

So soft and warm. I adjusted against her, feeling her sweet ass push against me slightly, inviting. I took a deep breath and pulled away slightly, missing the pressure immediately.

She really would be the death of me eventually.

How would I be able to keep from molesting her every waking moment now?

Now that she had shared herself with me, and told me she wants to try other things.

Bella was so much more than I could ever have anticipated.

Would she be open to trying things?

What could I do with her today?

I nuzzled against her shoulder, pressing soft kisses between her shoulder blades. She hummed and stirred against me, pressing back once more. There was no getting away from her.

She had me, completely.

I held her close and relaxed behind her, the desire to grind into her strong. But I reined myself in, instead thinking about when I'd have to leave.

I had promised Esme I'd be home before dawn.

How she agreed to it, I didn't know. She had sounded distracted.

Understandable.

I had heard some of the arguments over the phone.

Carlisle seemed to be putting up a fight in regards to us. Or the house.

Whatever.

I closed my eyes and tried to push thoughts of my fucked up father out of my head.

If he had never done those things, would I be the way I was?

Would Tanya have ever seduced me?

Would I have ever made it to Forks?

Met Bella?

It was a sobering thought.

I had met Bella because of my parents fucked up lives.

Regardless of my wishes to have never experienced what I had with Tanya, they were the reason I was here now, in Bella's bed.

My life was weird.

Fucked up. And weird.

And still Bella loved me.

I didn't want to lose that because of my parents' issues. Or mine.

Perhaps going to my house was not a good idea.

Bella stirred against me and made a soft noise in her throat.

I smirked and listened, enjoying the sound. Not quite a growl, or a moan. But it vibrated through her and into me.

Doing things to me, of course.

The noise came again and this time words.

"Arrghhh, don't touch. Mine."

I frowned and listened a little harder.

What was she dreaming about?

"Not yours. Leave….him alone."

Another growl.

"Spank you if you do."

What the hell was she dreaming about?

She tensed against me, her body rigid and hotter than it had been a few minutes ago.

"Mine. Fight you. Not afraid."

I pulled her a little closer and brought my lips to her shoulder again to calm her. Whatever her dream was, it was starting to get her worked up. My lips travelled slowly along her skin, my voice whispering her name softly until I felt her body slowly relax and her breath come out in a long sigh.

Her eyes fluttered open, and I smiled down at her.

"Hey," I whispered.

Her eyes widened briefly and then a tiny smile floated across her face.

"It wasn't a dream," she replied, her voice rough from sleep.

"What wasn't?" I asked, unsure of what she meant.

She had just been dreaming.

She sighed again and slowly turned in my arms, so that she was lying on her back but facing me. It was a testament to my will power that I didn't ogle her.

Even though I wanted to.

Her tits last night were just a memory, and I wanted to memorize their beauty in a more unhurried fashion.

She grinned up at me and let her fingers play in my hair.

"I was afraid I had dreamt about last night," she said, her face falling slightly as if in thought.

"Last night wasn't a dream, no," I said and leaned down to kiss her along the cheek.

"I was dreaming though," she said and her frown deepened.

"About what?" I asked and pulled away to watch her.

Her eyes drifted past me for a moment before she seemed to rein in her fears from whatever she had dreamt.

"I dreamt about having a fight with your dad," she mumbled and glanced back at me nervously.

My eyes widened at the thought of her worrying herself over him.

How strange that she and I seemed to be on the same wavelength all the time.

"He can't hurt you," I said soothingly.

She frowned again and shook her head.

"He wasn't trying to hurt me," she said and touched my cheek. "He was trying to hurt you."

"He can't do that either, not anymore," I replied and leaned down to kiss her.

She kissed me quick and then pulled away, covering her mouth.

"I can't. I have morning breath," she explained and I could just make out a blush on her face in the predawn light.

I smirked at her and buried my nose in her neck, kissing her along her throat.

"That doesn't matter to me, Bella," I sighed when I tucked in close to her ear.

She giggled and squirmed against me, making me groan at the temptation of her body writhing under mine.

I needed to behave.

God I didn't want to.

She hummed and arched into my hands before I realized they were exploring, cupping her breasts greedily.

"I want you," she breathed and slid her leg up along my hip.

I adjusted on instinct, feeling her heat pressing against me.

So close.

Just a push.

"I want to do so much," I groaned and moved against her, feeling her slide against me.

Her gasp was an alarm to both of us as my cock pushed against her opening.

I pulled away from her, heady from lust but mindful of the pain I could see pass over her face before she masked it with her lusty stare.

"I'm okay, really," she whispered, pleading almost.

Letting out a long breath I slipped from between her legs and lay beside her, my hands tracing lightly over her skin. She was so very tempting. But I never wanted to make her feel any pain.

"I need to get home before Esme grounds me for life," I whispered, and leaned in to kiss her against her temple to ease the rejection.

She pouted up at me and I could feel her leg sliding against mine again.

"Just stay a little longer," she pleaded gently.

I couldn't help but chuckle.

I wanted to stay forever.

"If I stay, your father will find us, because I won't want to leave," I teased and dipped my head down to kiss the swell of her breast.

She was so distracting. My lips lingered and trailed until her pert nipple was in my mouth. She groaned and pulled me tighter to her, hands tight in my hair. I could feel myself hardening again against her thigh. I knew I should leave, give her a chance to rest, but my body wanted so much more.

And so did hers.

I groaned and pulled away reluctantly, closing my eyes to her begging eyes beneath me.

"I really should leave," I groaned and pulled farther from her warm body.

"You're gonna leave me hanging?" she said, pouting at me when I looked back down at her.

"Consider it anticipation for this afternoon," I said and kissed her again before sitting up.

She sat up with me and wrapped her arms around me so that her breasts pressed against my back.

So distracting.

"What are we going to do today?" she whispered against my neck.

I felt myself harden more at her breathy question.

"You'll see," I said, keeping it vague.

I didn't know exactly what we'd do.

Too many options.

"Will you tie me up? Or spank me? Or maybe you can…"

I startled her when I turned and pushed her down on the bed, reaching for her hands so that I pinned them up over her head.

"Bella, you can't ask those things without making me want to do them to you now," I growled and pushed against her. Her eyes widened in eager anticipation.

The thrill of having her there captured beneath me was almost too much. I could feel every inch of her pressing into me. Just one move and I'd be inside.

Her fast breath against my cheek was intoxicating.

Just a push.

Her body moved against me, asking.

My body responded, pressing.

"Fuck," I groaned, thinking about the damn condom I'd need.

But my hands were busy holding her.

I pulled away again and slipped out of the bed, leaving her panting.

It was quite a sight.

Her hands still above her head in submission, her long body laid out for me, flushed in the growing light.

Esme was going to be upset.

I shook my head to clear it and reached for my jeans, shoving them on quickly before I changed my mind.

"I really need to leave," I said, hearing the regret in my voice. "I'll text you when Esme leaves?"

Bella sighed and curled up to watch me as I dressed, her eyes still lusty.

"Fine," she pouted. "What should I bring over?"

I grinned and shook my head.

"Just yourself. I'll leave the rest for a surprise," I replied. "You should take a bath. It'll help with any soreness."

She smirked and slowly rose, and as soon as her feet reached the floor, I was sure I saw her wince slightly. But she kept it to herself if she was sore.

I stepped closer to her and traced my fingers down her cheek, across her shoulder, down the long length of her arm, making her shiver.

"Last night was the best night of my life," I murmured, looking down into her breathtaking eyes.

So dark and deep and full of love.

"Me too," she whispered and tip toed to kiss me, morning breath be damned. When she pulled away, she was grinning.

I loved making her feel so happy.

"I'll text you in a few hours," I said and took a step back.

She was so difficult to say goodbye to.

It seemed we kissed and held one another at every chance.

Top of the stairs, bottom of the stairs, at the front door.

"I love you," I murmured against her lips, feeling her draw me close at my words.

"I love hearing you say that," she breathed.

"I really need to leave."

"I'm only letting you go so you can get ready for today," she teased and kissed me again, mumbling her I love you into my ear as she sought my neck.

I was losing my fight at restraint, wanting to pull her back inside and fuck her against the door every time her teeth grazed my neck.

Later. In my house. Against my door.

God I hope she wasn't sore.

"Rest up," I groaned and pulled away finally, looking down into her wicked eyes. "You'll need all the energy you can muster when you come over."

Even now she was flushed and ready.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say she wanted it more than me.

And that was even more exciting.

I glanced back towards the door to see her watching me, in only a t-shirt.

My t-shirt.

She closed the door as I pulled away, and I couldn't help but smile at the idea of her slipping into a bath.

As much as I hated making her sore from having sex, it made me a little proud that I could do that too.

I was her first.

She was mine.

And she was like-minded on so many things.

I'd have to prepare a lot.

Improvise on some things. I didn't have a stash of tools, really.

But I could come up with a few things.

Absolutely.

So many choices.

My mind was a little distracted on all the things I wanted with her.

I was so distracted I was slow to notice the car outside the house as I pulled up.

I had blocked him out.

But as my mind cleared from Bella's distraction, panic set in at the sight of the black Mercedes parked at the end of the turnabout.

What the hell was Carlisle doing here?

At the break of dawn?

Oh shit.

Why had Esme let him in?

I fought down the bile in my throat and leapt from my car, rushing into the house in fear that Esme might be hurt.

Or worse.

Taking Carlisle back.

I stumbled to a halt when I found them both in the living room.

Esme looked contrite.

Carlisle looked forbidding.

"Out late, Edward?" he asked, his voice so much like it had been in those sessions.

Judging.

"Sorry I'm late, Mom," I said, ignoring him. "Why is he here?"

She seemed to soften her gaze when I spoke to her, her eyes glancing briefly at Carlisle before returning to mine.

"Carlisle needed a few things, and then we got to talking. I didn't realize how late it was until I heard you come in," she said.

I could see the worry in her eyes, the hesitation in her body as she slowly stood and moved towards me.

"Thank you for talking with me, Carlisle," she continued. "I'll think about what you said. But now that Edward is home, I think you should leave."

He stood easily, a wan smile on his face as he regarded us. He made to leave, pausing when he reached the door.

"I'll see you next week, Esme. Good luck at the attorney today," he said, his voice laced with something I couldn't put my finger on.

Was he taunting Esme?

Attorney?

And then he looked at me, his eyes narrowing slightly.

"Edward. Good to see you, son. You look… well."

And then he was gone, leaving an unpleasant feeling behind in his wake.

"Mom?" I asked quietly, confused by the interchange.

She shook her head and wrapped her arm around me, as if needing some comfort.

"Don't worry about him. I'm just glad you're home," she said and then pursed her lips at me. "You were out too late, young man."

"Sorry, Mom," I mumbled.

It wouldn't help if I had said Bella was completely distracting.

"Well," she continued. "As long as you were respectful. And safe."

"Mom," I whined.

A hint of a smile crossed her lips before it dipped back into her frown.

"Will you be all right with me leaving for the day? I don't think he'll be back," she said.

Suddenly the day felt a little heavier.

What if he did come back?

And found me with Bella?

What if he…

"I'll be fine," I said, assuring her as well as trying to do the same for me.

He didn't control me anymore. He wasn't going to ruin this day.

"Well, go get some rest. I'll let you know when I leave," she said and patted me on the shoulder before stepping away towards the kitchen.

"Mom?" I called out just as she reached the door.

She turned back at me askance.

"Why are you seeing an attorney?" I asked, suddenly nervous for her.

She smiled sadly and shook her head.

"I'm just going to talk, sweetie. Carlisle wants us back. I don't think that's possible anymore. I need to prepare for that," she said.

I nodded and watched her disappear behind the door, my mood suddenly a mixture of disconcerting emotions.

Happy still from my night with Bella.

Shaken by Carlisle and his accusing stare.

Heavy hearted at the pain I saw in Esme's eyes.

And a little relieved at the idea that she was finally taking steps to change her own life, if not ours in the process.

But as I stepped into the shower to wash away the night, a nagging feeling wrapped around me and held on tight.

What did he want her to think about?

Why was he here overnight?

Had they? I couldn't think on that.

What had he come to get?

And why did I think he was not finished with fucking up my life?

I couldn't sleep, the worry making my mind spin and twist at all different scenarios that ended with me somehow to blame.

Every time I saw him, he seemed to provoke feelings of guilt in me.

When he shouldn't.

He didn't control my life.

But wasn't it that exactly?

He wanted control.

He thrived on it.

That was what he got off on.

I shuddered at the thoughts that suddenly filtered into my head.

He had controlled his subs. Made them beg. Made them do what he wanted. I knew, I had felt that with Tanya who had learned from Carlisle. I had craved that one chance at controlling her.

Wasn't that what I had wanted to do to Bella today?

Control her?

I clenched my eyes shut and buried myself into my blankets, fearful of the sudden epiphany I had discovered about myself.

I hadn't changed.

I wasn't healed or even normal.

I was just like Carlisle.

How did I think that would be good for Bella?

Even though she said she wanted it. Didn't every sub want some measure of control?

I swallowed down the pain I felt at every thought I had had of her strapped to my bed and begging.

She didn't deserve that.

I didn't want to control her that way. Not in the way Carlisle had.

She was so much more than that. But the images made me want it.

Crave it.

In that sick and twisted way I had wanted it all along.

Since the beginning.

Fuck, I was no different than Carlisle.

No different.

"I'm leaving, sweetheart."

I heard Esme at the door and I nodded in my covers, mumbling a goodbye.

I didn't want her to see me.

See me for who I was.

No different.

Like father like son.

I couldn't do that to Bella. I couldn't be like him.

I never wanted to hurt her.

But it seemed no matter what I wanted, it would hurt her regardless.

It's what I was.

No different.

~~oo~~

AN: okay… do you honestly think Bella would allow him to push her away? A few of you have mentioned a fear of New Moon-itis… there'll be no blank pages here… Bella knows what she wants… And like Charlie has said to Edward- she is determined to get what she wants.

More soon. I pray faster than they have been.

Love to you all for reading and reviewing!

MWAH!

steph