Title:Undisclosed Desires
Author: AoiTsukikage
Rating: R for now
Characters/Pairing: Finn/Kurt/Blaine, in all combinations.
Chapter: 4/?
Word Count: 2250
Spoilers: Let's say everything to be safe :)
Summary/Warnings: From a tumblr prompt. Blaine and Kurt are both having secret affairs with Finn while trying to keep their own relationship from falling apart. But not everything is as simple as it seems, and nothing can stay secret for long.
Disclaimer: I, unfortunately, do not own these characters, no matter how sad that makes me. I do, however, promise to return them when I'm done with them. :)
Undisclosed Desires
Chapter Four
Blaine knows he has to stop, because Kurt's right: it is killing him. The guilt and the gnawing, aching emptiness coursing through his bones only seem to be filled when he's on stage or with burning alcohol sliding down his throat. Kurt used to be a balm to him, his touch soothing in and of itself but ever since he and Finn started Kurt's steady fingers on his body only feel wrong, like Kurt's touching something dirty and defiled that an angel such as him should never have to see.
But Kurt's right. Kurt's completely right. He has to stop.
He digs through the cupboards, pulling out a bottle of tequila he'd been saving, and takes a deep breath before removing the cap and dumping it down the drain, feeling sick as the urge to even lick the spare droplets from the sink creeps over him.
God, he's disgusting.
He's just finished, hand shaking as he sets the bottle aside, when Kurt pads softly into the kitchen.
"Blaine? It's late, baby, are you coming to bed?" he keeps his voice low as Blaine takes a breath and turns around, holding the bottle out. "What…"
"I dumped it. All of it. Gone," Blaine forces out, body tense as he waits for Kurt's reaction and the other man's radiant smile is suddenly worth all of it as Kurt swoops across the kitchen and grabs his cheeks, pulling him into a firm kiss.
"I'm so proud of you, Blaine," he whispers, looking close to tears as he tugs Blaine toward the bedroom. "So, so proud."
"Kurt?" Blaine starts, feeling that familiar unsettling ache in his bones that means he needs Finn and he needs Finn now, but…
"Yes?"
"Can you…can we…I need you," he looks away, unable to face Kurt when he's not being completely honest, but Kurt just nods and takes his hand, leading him to the bedroom and laying him down on the bed, utterly loving and Blaine for once pushes his needs to be hurt and his guilt aside and enjoys the love-making for what it is and nothing more.
God, they could be so happy if this was all there ever was between them, and Kurt moves in him so gently and keeps kissing him, never going too quickly and always watching him for any signs of discomfort.
It's beautiful. And it should make him the happiest man in the world, that he has a lover who's willing to give him all of this.
For a moment, it almost does.
000
He wakes up without a hangover for the first time since he can remember, at least on a weekend when he isn't scrambling to get to classes.
And it's nice, knowing that he can sleep in and he's got nothing to get out of bed for. Kurt's arms are warm around him and he's spooning the smaller man from behind, breaths steady and even in Blaine's ear as he shifts a little, their legs tangling together.
It feels…amazing, not to wake up and feel like he's going to vomit everything he's ever eaten up, and he groans a little when Kurt's fingers dance lightly over his cock, feeling it taking interest in the proceedings almost instantly.
"Kurt?"
"Shh," Kurt hushes him. "Finn."
"Mm," Blaine nods in agreement. Chances are Finn's still sleeping and will be for a good few hours, but it's best not to take that chance. "Ah," he tips his head back as Kurt's strokes turn insistent, thumb brushing over the head of his cock and Kurt's hands are always soft and supple, the skin sliding easily over his own as he removes his hand to bring his palm up to Blaine's mouth, Blaine licking it and sucking his fingers in happily as Kurt's groan echoes through his whole body and he pulls Blaine more flush against him.
"That's good," he murmurs, hand dropping away to resume stroking, and it's heavenly.
Blaine thrusts his hips forward into Kurt's hand, feeling that that the other man is starting to harden behind him, but when he reaches back Kurt gently draws his hand away.
"This is for you, baby. I'm fine," he kisses a spot just below Blaine's ear that has him shaking, toes curling because Kurt knows everything about how to make him come completely undone, and he'll never have that again, he knows this well enough by now.
He arches his back as Kurt starts sucking at his neck, more than hard enough to leave a mark and his director is going to kill him and Rachel will tease him mercilessly but he doesn't give a damn at the moment, not with Kurt doing this for him.
"Kurt…baby, I…"
"I know. Let go," Kurt promises and the sheets but Blaine moans as his orgasm rips through him, really not caring if Finn can hear him because it feels more freeing than it's felt in…well, since he can remember.
He's still hazy as he comes down, brain fogged with lust and love as Kurt holds him oh-so-tenderly, and if he can wake up like this every morning he's starting to think that the burning need for alcohol will soon become a distant memory.
The burning need for Finn may not.
And that still terrifies him.
000
It gets better. He doesn't drink anymore and he throws himself into school and play rehearsals, Rachel commenting that he looks more like he used to in high school and he knows that's the biggest compliment he could receive. He feels more like that boy, the boy who loved the spotlight above all else and yes, got drunk once in a while, but was mostly upstanding and tried to be the perfect boyfriend.
He doesn't break things off with Finn, and he doubts he'll be able to for a while. There's a comfort to knowing that he's there, no matter the specifics regarding Blaine's feelings toward him, if there are really any feelings.
Finn had certainly seemed to care when Blaine had completely broken down that night, but Finn just wants to please everybody and that was probably more him being nice than suddenly discovering some burning feelings for Blaine.
He tries to stop thinking about Finn and focus on Kurt…his Kurt…because Kurt could have kicked him out on his ass for the amount of drinking he did, but instead he had tried to help him and really, he couldn't be any more perfect.
So yes, it's getting better. He's almost back to normal. He's going to be fine. He's…
And then Finn meets Jade.
And things get oh, so much worse.
000
Jade is something new, a perfect combination of not!Quinn and not!Rachel and Blaine can tell that she's got Finn wrapped around her finger. He's happy with her, and when he brings her over for the first time Blaine tries desperately to find something wrong with her but he can't; she's entirely unobjectionable and if she's got Blaine's raven, curly hair and Kurt's sometimes-green/sometimes-blue/sometimes-grey/freaking beautiful eyes that's surely an odd coincidence and nothing to do with Finn somehow looking for somebody like him. Or Kurt. Or…
He doesn't even know what he's saying anymore, because this woman's confusing him and muddling his head like the cloying, sickly-sweet perfume she's got on is actually some sort of drug.
Except instead of being an aphrodisiac it's doing the exact opposite and he wants to run to the other end of the condo, and looking at Kurt his boyfriend looks to be having about the same reaction.
But then, it's only natural for Kurt to care.
Isn't it?
"And Finn's told me the two of you are Broadway-bound? Must be exciting!" she notes, fingernails tapping a hypnotising rhythm on the tabletop.
"I've danced backup, very briefly," Kurt replies with a shrug, looking like it's truly no big deal. "And so has Finn's ex-girlfriend. Rachel."
And there's undeniable bitterness in his voice, Blaine knowing that he's waiting for this girl to take the bait.
"Ah."
"She's the real star," Blaine puts in. "She and I are the leads in our college play this semester, but I'm never going to make it…"
"Don't say that," Kurt tells him instantly, shaking his head as he reached to take Blaine's hands in his own. "You are perfect leading man material, Blaine Anderson. I may not get anywhere unless society's views of a leading man change radically, but you…" he looks so earnest and so hopeful that Blaine can't help but dart in and kiss him, Jade's absolute absence of a reaction telling him clearly that she knows about them.
Which is fine. He'd rather not deal with the drama right now.
000
"No," Finn takes Blaine's hand off of his thigh, a rather obvious refusal in his eyes.
This is odd.
Finn never says no.
But Blaine's desperate, alone and bottle-less and needing this more than anything, the way he can't need anything else, and he scrambles into Finn's lap and slides his hands under the other man's shirt, shocked beyond words when Finn gently pulls them out and moves away.
"I said no, Blaine," he repeats, brown eyes gentle and sad, and Blaine claws at him and scrambles back into his lap, panting against his skin.
"Finn, I need…you can't say…you can't do this!" he forces out, hating himself for how pitiful he's being but Finn can't tell him no.
He can't.
"I have to, man. I've got Jade now," he shifts on the sofa and shrugs. "I wanna do this right. I've been cheated on and I've cheated on people and it sucks, so I'm never gonna do that again. Okay?"
"I…" Blaine gasps and shivers, needing either alcohol or Finn but he can't have either and he's dying. "I..." he blinks and gasps when Finn slings an arm around him and tucks him to his side, caring and gentle and Blaine's fairly sure that Finn does like him on some level, or else he wouldn't do this for him.
"It's cool, man. You'll make it," Finn promises and Blaine doesn't believe him.
He probably never will.
000
The burnings get stronger again, the ones that Kurt just can't quench no matter how hard he tries. Blaine knows he's worried for him and he appreciates it and hates that he's the one making Kurt worry, but he can't stop it.
Finn's been taken away from him.
So he turns to the one thing in his life that won't say 'no,' that will hurt him without him asking it to, that will always be there when he needs it.
He gets more than he should, and especially more than he should knowing in advance that he's not going to stop until it's gone or he's unconscious, and one night when both Finn and Kurt are out for various reasons he sits down at the table, cracks the first bottle of tequila, and tips it down his throat.
This is bad for so many reasons.
But right now it feels oh, so good.
000
He doesn't know his own name anymore. Not his name, not where he is, not…how much he's had to drink.
There's a few bottles scattered around but those all can't be from him, or maybe he's just seeing double.
Yeah.
That's probably it.
He finishes off the vodka and chucks it carelessly aside, hearing the glass hitting the floor and splintering into a million deadly shards but he pays that no mind as he reaches for the next offering.
He doesn't feel so good.
His stomach hurts and he can't breathe very well, body and limbs shaking as his vision blurs even worse and he can't even muster the coordination to open the next bottle, growling in frustration as his fingers scrabble uselessly at the cap.
His stomach heaves and he lays his head on the table, the coolness feeling good against his overheated skin, and after a few minutes he feels well enough to try again and manages to remove the cap successfully this time, hooting in triumph as he chugs it back.
The door opening barely registers with him as he continues to drink, limbs feeling leaden as he hears a gasp and turns.
"Heyyyy, Kurt!" he drawls, hoisting the bottle. "You want…you wan' some? I c'n…lemme get a glash fer you, I…"
"Did you drink all of this?" Kurt screeches and that really hurts his ears so he winces.
"Loud."
"Blaine, you promised! You said you wouldn't! Why're you…" Kurt seems close to tears and Blaine doesn't want that, but right now he can't remember why he's drinking. He thinks it had something to do with Finn, but that doesn't make any sense.
Finn's not his boyfriend.
"Dunno," he smiles happily and lurches to his feet, falling sideways as Kurt darts across the kitchen to catch him. "Woah. Why's the world all spinny?"
"Blaine, I'm worried about you. You don't look good," Kurt's brushing his forehead and his fingers feel so good, but Blaine's stomach starts to protest at the sudden change of location and he can't feel his feet and his head literally does start to spin as he clutches at Kurt's sleeve.
"K-Kurt? I dun…I dun feel so…so good…"
He barely hears the beep-beep of phone keys and Kurt's frantic voice. "Hello? 9-1-1? I've…I think my boyfriend's got alcohol poisoning, he's…" Kurt's voice slips in and out of focus, a horrible buzzing in his ears. He vaguely hears, "Yes. Yes, please, hurry, I think…"
And then nothing.
Notes:
1. ...I feel bad for what I'm doing to Blaine, but take heart in the fact that it WILL get better. I promise. I love these boys too much to have them suffer for long.
2. Also, I wrote Overcriss! I'm rather proud of it and I figure that since a lot of people that read my fics are Blam-supporters as well, you might be interested in this. It's here if you want to read it, and I'd love feedback: aoitsukikage(.)livejournal(.)com/147119(.)html#cutid1