Hi all, I am really sorry for the wait…I have been away. Thank you for your comments and encouragement during my absence. There is a full chapter on the way next week but I thought I'd give you a little taster of what is to come. Let me know what you think. CC xx
"And you were strong and I was not,
My illusion, my mistake
I was careless, I forgot
I did."
Impossible
She woke ten minutes before her alarm; her body clock had become accustom to a subconscious routine. Her body functioning from memory and not through choice; it has been the same for so long now.
It had happened after the day she stood by like a coward, watching her younger lover take the blame for the reason behind the theft of her father's savings. The pupil's justified anger had later erupted in anti-social behaviour within college, leaving them both hurting and more importantly over.
The young teacher had since placed her mind on auto drive in an abstract attempt to avoid emotions. Emotions she is still unable to control, feelings she is forbidden to acknowledge.
Months had passed since she had closed the door on their affair, months since her mind had been challenged. She is numb and her actions merely simulated. Wake. Work. Sleep. Repeat.
She walks towards the college; teenagers line the walls, like birds on a phone line, looking down on their unsuspecting prey. Like in the wild, the stronger pick off the weak .
If she or any of the other teachers paid more attention, they would see Sinead and Ruby perched there; but even those that looked rarely saw.
It is no excuse but teaching has moved so far away from the face to face ethos of care. They were pressured with results and laden with paperwork. Pupils were losing their faces, to be replaced by a statistic.
For Jen there is only one face that stands out in the equation of numbers that currently litter the college hallways. It is the same face that haunts her dreams and tortures her will power daily with its silence. The face belonged to Tilly.
She passes the auburn teenager, who leans against the lockers, their eyes briefly meet and for a moment Jen is almost pulled from her desensitised prison. Then the teenager looks away, cold; without any affirmation of the unspoken connection. Her feelings freeze once more as the wave of reality washes over her. Would Tilly ever talk to her again?
Jen turns towards her art room door and pauses at the reflection staring back at her in the glass. "feels like I haven't seen the real you in so long." She whispers to herself. "I need to get you back… and then Tilly."