Chapter 40
Nadia felt the car slow while she hovered in that state between sleep and consciousness. She didn't want to open her eyes because when she was asleep she could get lost in dreams and she wasn't haunted by what Castiel had told her. As soon as she opened her eyes and officially rejoined reality, she knew the thoughts would cycle around and around in her mind and she couldn't face that yet. So she pretended she was asleep just a little bit longer.
After about another hour or so, she heard Dean and Sam debating on where to stop to eat and she knew she'd have to wake up soon. "She's still sleeping; do you want me to wake her up?" She heard Sam ask Dean.
She heard the driver's seat squeak when Dean turned to glance behind him, "Let's find a place first. She hasn't been able to get much rest lately, what with murderous angels high jacking her dreams and everything." She could tell by the wry tone to his voice that he still wasn't 100% sold on the whole killer angels thing. Still, the phrasing he used made her smile and she felt just a little bit better about facing the world again.
She sighed and stretched when the Impala bumped into the driveway of some generic diner along the highway. "I didn't give you those debit cards so that you could continue your crappy food, crappy motel room lifestyle, you know?"
Dean smiled and shifted the car into park and turned off the engine. "Well, the place next door requires a tie, so…"
"You have a tie in your duffle bag," she replied smugly. "Feds have to keep up appearances after all."
Sam chuckled to himself while he leaned back to watch Dean and Nadia bicker. It was a nice change from having to do it himself. Dean looked in the rearview mirror at her with a small smirk and Nadia sat up and put her chin on his shoulder. He enjoyed the smell of her before she spoke; it was a nice change from all guy, all the time. "Besides, don't you know, your girlfriend has a fully stocked closet conveniently located right up here?" She pointed to her temple and he rolled his eyes.
"If you really don't want to eat here, we can get back on the road and find someplace else." He was trying to be accommodating but Nadia could hear that tone that guys use when they don't want to end up sleeping on the couch but don't want to go someplace else either. Nadia smiled and turned her head toward his ear, stubble scratching her nose. He smelled good, familiar. "That's okay, I'm starving." She kissed his neck and slid over to open the door and climb out.
Sam unfolded himself from the front seat at the exact same time as Dean and it made another smile tug at Nadia's lips. Nadia glanced up to read the name on the side of the building, Red Brick Bar, she shook her head and headed inside. Dean caught her elbow and pulled her back. Sam glanced back but saw Dean's face and continued inside.
"What's the matter?" Nadia looked at him, glancing from eye to eye.
He opened his mouth to say something but changed his mind and pulled her tight against his body. His fingers slid up the back of her neck and threaded themselves into her hair. The kiss was soft and so loving it made her heart ache when she thought about what she was keeping from him. Pushing those thoughts away, she let herself melt against him and enjoy this little moment of her own heaven. She felt Aidan roll her eyes at the cheesy statement but ignored her; as it was becoming easier and easier to do so. Dean pulled away but kept his forehead against hers and she kept her eyes closed holding that feeling for as long as she could. And then Dean opened his big mouth and it all dropped away like the Tower of Terror. "Were they back again?"
Her eyes flew open and she glared at him and pushed him away. "You jerk, you did that just to try and get me talking." She continued to glare at him, pissed that he'd done to her exactly what she would have done to him. "You overestimate the affect you have on me, my friend."
He looked smugly back, that familiar cocky grin on his lips. "No, I just underestimate your stubbornosity."
"Stubbornosity?" Nadia asked with her arms crossed and one brow arched high.
"You heard me," Dean replied. Slowly Nadia gave up and let herself smile, that is until Dean opened his mouth again. "Well? Were they?" He asked again and reached for her cheek, she slapped his hand away.
"No." He stared at her with his human lie detector face on but she was telling the truth. They weren't in her dream, only Castiel was.
He looked skeptical, "What did you dream about?" He did a horrible job at trying to sound nonchalant.
"Ireland," she replied shortly.
"Ireland?"
"Yes, Ireland. What did you dream about last night?" She crossed her arms and looked hard back at him.
"You," he smiled slyly.
She rolled her eyes, "You are so full of it."
He laughed and they started for the diner's front door. Dean took her hand, "Why Ireland?"
"Because it's beautiful," she answered like he was an idiot for even asking. He got a thoughtful look on his face and she got a sly look in her eye just before she sent the images from her dream down her arm, up through his and into his head. He stumbled and a glazed look appeared in his eyes as he tried to blink away the sudden movie playing in his head. The effect of the Ireland countryside overlaying transparently over the diner was dizzying and he closed his eyes.
Nadia calmly and slowly pulled the dream away from him before the part where Castiel showed up. Dean looked over at her and shook his head in awe, "I'm never gonna get used to that."
She snorted, "I should hope not. If you do, you have some real problems buddy."
Sam sat in a booth with his hands wrapped around a half empty coffee cup. He looked up when Nadia and Dean came through the door, hand in hand. He was really and truly happy for his brother, Dean deserved any happiness he could find. That didn't mean the twinge in the pit of his stomach didn't rear its ugly head in jealousy though. He was supposed to happy with Jess, he was supposed to have a steady job at a law firm free of monsters, and he was supposed to grow old in a modest house with a picket fence. There were a lot of supposed to's in his life and every now and then the reminder came like a crushing blow and was hard to shake. He knew that what he and Dean did everyday was right and good, it saved lives; but that didn't mean that sometimes he didn't wish he had someone other than his brother and Bobby that he could share everything with.
Dean slide in after Nadia in the booth opposite him with a sigh. Sam caught his eye with an unspoken question, "Is everything alright? Did she have any more angel dreams?" Dean responded with a slight head shake and a small smile and Sam felt a little bit of relief.
The waitress came back with their orders and topped off Sam and Dean's coffee before trudging over to the next table. She was nice enough but obviously tired; she looked like she'd been at this awhile. She'd long ago gave up on her looks, wisps of hair stuck out around her face from sweat and she didn't have an ounce of makeup on her deeply wrinkled face. Nadia watched her leave, she could almost see the woman the waitress used to be; happy and flirtatious because that's what got the big tips.
"So how much longer until we get to Bobby's?" Nadia asked while licking a spot of sausage gravy from her bottom lip.
Dean looked over at her from the corner of his eye and Sam smiled softly, "It's like traveling with an eight year old."
Nadia glared back at him but he was still looking at his scrambled eggs, "I haven't asked that often."
Dean looked like he wanted to say something but thought better of it. Instead, he pulled the map out of his pocket and dropped it on the table between their plates. He had a feeling Nadia was going to ask that very question when they stopped; after all, she'd asked about every two hours in the car before finally falling asleep. "We're in Thedford, Nebraska."
She picked up the map and threw a glance his way while knocking her knee against his. He looked over with a smile, "Can we play footsy after I finish eating? I'm starving."
She ignored him and unfolded the map so that Wyoming was dead center. Her eyes traced the highway all the way to Sioux Falls. Demons do not walk in heaven. Nadia jumped when Castiel's voice suddenly sounded in her head. She spun around expecting him to be standing behind her but of course there was no one there.
Sam and Dean had both dropped their forks and were staring at her with startled and worried expressions. She noticed Dean's hand had slid inside his jacket for his favorite white handled handgun. An awkward laugh rose to her lips, "It must have been my hair. I thought something was crawling on me." She shifted and tried to ignore the rock that had returned to her stomach, "So, the map shows me how far we still have to go, but it doesn't tell me how long it'll take."
Dean kept staring at her worriedly. "About six hours," his voice was monotone but he didn't mention the fact that she never touched her neck when she turned. It is an automatic reaction to feeling something crawling on you but she didn't even move to check the back of her neck for something creepy crawly. The lie was written all over her face and the lack of trust was eating away at him.
Nadia nervously folded the map and pushed her plate away. "Six hours, wow. I guess I should go to the bathroom before we leave." She scooted closer to Dean so he would take the hint and let her out but he didn't move. "Can you let me out, please? I have to pee."
Dean moved out of her way but grabbed her wrist before she could get away. His eyes were probing, "Are you sure you're alright?"
She shrugged a bit manically, "Of course. I just have to pee," and she walked away.
Nadia pushed out of the stall and washed her hands as if on autopilot. A woman came out from the other stall and said hello but she was too distracted to reply. The sound of the bathroom door closing and bouncing a couple of times before settling, snapped her out of her trance.
Her fingers were gripping the sides of the sink so tightly, her knuckles were white. She pried them away from the porcelain but they immediately started shaking. Red colored her flushed cheeks when she looked up at herself in the mirror and she felt like she was having a hot flash. She splashed water on her face and dried her hands before walking over to lock the bathroom door. When she returned to the sink, she stared at her reflection. The worry and fear and depression of this new-found knowledge showed all over her face and she knew she was fooling herself thinking she was pulling the wool over Sam and Dean's eyes. They knew something was drastically wrong. They had to.
Demons do not walk in heaven.
She spun around and slammed open the stall door and fell to her knees just as her stomach clenched and forced up her entire breakfast. When she had nothing left to expel, she collapsed against the stall's wall with her eyes closed. She barely heard herself when she whispered, "I'm going to Hell," to the empty walls.
Her eyes flew open and she stared at the wall across from her covered with phone numbers and nasty comments about people she didn't know. "I'm going to Hell," she whispered a little louder. Rolling up onto her knees, she touched her finger to the phone number of some girl's ass of an ex-boyfriend and when she took it away, the metal was burnt as if a torch had been held there. She leaned closer and slowly wrote, Hell, into the flimsy metal. The word burned brightly into the wall and her mind and after a minute or two, she stood and walked to the door. As she moved to unlock the door, she noticed ash on the end of her finger and went back to wash it off, rubbing it all away with a brown paper towel.
She could feel Dean waiting for her outside the door; could tell exactly where he was standing and how he had his arms and legs crossed, debating whether or not to barge into the ladies room. For a second, she resented him; she didn't want to be face with anything more at the moment. With a deep breath, she turned the lock and stepped out to find Dean exactly where she knew he'd be, looking at her exactly like she knew he'd look at her. She stifled a sigh when he jumped away from the wall.
"Nadia," he grabbed her by the arm, "stop lying to me."
Halfheartedly, she looked up at him and said, "I'm not…"
"Yes," he gripped her harder and glanced around him, forcing her backward so they were completely hidden behind the wall that separated the bathrooms from the bar itself, "you are." She winced at the anger in his voice and the force with which he was holding her. He had her back against the wall, blocking her escape with his body. In any other circumstance, the way they were standing would appear sexy, lustful, but not now; she felt trapped and had to fight the urge to burn his hand off from her. "Dammit, Nadia, you look like you're being eaten from the inside out. What the hell is going on?" He growled his voice low but powerful.
She flinched and refused to look at him. "You're hurting me." He didn't let go. She turned her gaze upon his hard, cold glare, "You're. Hurting. Me."
His eyes dropped to his hand on her arm and his jaw clenched when he let her go. "Just tell me what's going on," he almost sounded defeated but she could still see the anger and protectiveness rolling off him.
She wanted to tell so badly but she knew that he'd blame himself. He'd assume she was going to hell because of the position he put her in; because of the deal he'd made. He'd never accept that it was solely because of what she was. But she had to tell him something, so she said the first thing that came to mind, "I think something's wrong. It's Aidan," and suddenly she realized she wasn't lying anymore, she was worried something had been screwed up ever since that first dream. "Ever since Castiel pulled her out of me in that dream… I barely feel her anymore. I haven't heard from her in…awhile. I don't feel right."
Dean looked taken aback and didn't know what to say. Finally he looked relieved, excited even. "Maybe this is good. Maybe it means she's going away."
Nadia was already shaking her head. "I know you don't like her, don't trust her; but she's a part of me, Dean and something is messed up. I don't feel right. It feels like a piece of me is missing." She dropped her shining eyes to the floor, "I'm scared, Dean. What if something's really wrong with me?"
Dean pulled her against himself and wrapped his arms protectively around her. "There is nothing wrong with you. You're perfect," he said against the top of her head.
She laughed dryly, unshed tears tightening her throat. "If I'm perfect, then you must be God-like."
She could feel him smile against her hair. "Well…" She reached up and smacked him upside the back of the head as best she could.