Jimmy rode as long as he could pushing the horse as hard as he dared. Night fell and it paid it little mind but finally he was so tired he was nearly falling out of the saddle and he knew he had to make camp. Of course he had passed a few towns along the way and he could have gone in and found lodging but he had skirted every one of them. In time, if he lay low enough for long enough, he might be able to walk through a town without the whispers or the challenges or even just the knowing looks. For now he knew that Wild Bill was still alive and well as far as the world knew and if he wandered through a town, no matter how hard he tried to be anything but Bill, it would only keep the legend alive.

He had tried not to think as he rode but found he could do little else. He thought about the time he had spent with Faith and worried for her alone. Now he didn't worry that she could handle the work that needed doing or that she could take care of herself. He knew she could. He worried that she'd be lonesome; he worried that she'd be sad. Mostly he was angry at his own selfishness. Jimmy had a terrible fear that Aaron wouldn't come back the same man that left. He should have stayed and seen for himself that she would be alright but he told himself they would probably be happy to be together again and he couldn't bear the thought that his last memory of her would be in another man's arms. He needed to keep and hold sacred the memory of her in his arms, making love to him, kissing him.

Of course he knew he was being ridiculous with his worry anyway. Her wishes had just come true and even though she had loved him and even though she was sad to see him go, her husband was coming home. He was a good man who loved her deeply in return and they would go back to the business of building their life together that the war had rudely interrupted. He felt like a jackass for begrudging her happiness. It was as bad as when he had been angry and hurt over Emma's marriage to Sam. He was just too selfish and as long as he thought of himself first he had no chance at happiness no matter what nice things Emma or the others had said to him over the years.

Days passed and Jimmy knew he was nearing Rock Creek. He patted the horse on the neck as he jumped down to make camp one night.

"We ought to make town sometime tomorrow," he said. The first day he had felt stupid talking to the horse which was odd since he had always talked to Sundance. It only took until the second day riding before he started conversing with the beast. Once Jimmy had settled down by the fire with a pot of coffee and nearly the last of the food Faith had sent him he got to once again feeling melancholy. He looked at the food and knew he didn't deserve it. He wasn't sure why though or at least he could decide whether it was that he had spoken to her and complicated her life in the first place or the fact that he hadn't stayed when she asked. He would have torn into Kid for making a decision like that for Lou and he had just done the same thing to save his own feelings.

He knew he would see his family the next day and became all at once lonesome for them. So he picked up the old mochila and reached in. First he happened upon the one picture he had of all of his family together. It was before Ike had been killed. Sure Emma was missing but the very fact that there was a family to be photographed was a testament to her presence. Rachel was there looking proud of her boys and Teaspoon smiling wide. Lou scowling behind her glasses for fear someone would question her delicate features. Cody had that happy-go-lucky grin. Kid smiling and trying not to look like he was in love with Lou, Buck's head held high knowing he was someplace he belonged and was wanted and needed and cared for. Hardest to look at wasn't his own dopey face but the two faces he'd never see again aside from in this picture. Ike's kind eyes that never let on the ugliness he had seen in his young life. He still believed in love and joy and that being a caring person was somehow the only thing that mattered. Jimmy knew he was right about that but also that it was a good part of why he was gone from them now. Noah would forever be Jimmy's cross to bear. If only he hadn't talked him into working for the express or if only he hadn't met up with Rosemary. So many if onlies and not a damn one mattered because there was no going back and no changing that Noah was in a hole and Jimmy was still above ground. Hell, as far as he knew Rosemary Burke was still alive and probably still getting men to do her bidding with that pout. He always said that the reason he didn't come back to Rock Creek before now was that he couldn't face his family after he had left, after he had been so stupid and selfish. That was only part of it and not even the biggest part. Jimmy wasn't sure he could face the graveyard in Rock Creek. He wasn't sure if he could ride past knowing that one of the markers bore the name Noah Dixon. That man should be walking around knowing that he was as free in Missouri and every other state and territory as he had been at his birth. He should have lived to see slavery abolished. If anyone should have died that day it should have been Jimmy for visiting that plague upon his friends, the people who'd called him brother. Now that he thought about it Noah had called him brother and he got killed for it.

Sighing Jimmy set the picture down and reached into the mochila again only to find something he didn't remember being in there, and he knew every item in there by heart. He pulled out this new object. It was cloth and rolled and tied with a ribbon. It was a ribbon he recognized as one he'd seen Faith use in her hair once or twice. Slowly he untied the ribbon and unrolled the cloth. Inside he found a letter in Faith's hand. Atop the letter were a few soft leaves from the willow by the pond and a lock of Faith's lovely hair. Jimmy picked up the wavy strands of hair held together with a small bit of yarn from Faith's knitting and brought it to his face. It still smelled of her and he felt the tears begin to fall at the rush of memories and feelings that scent brought to him. He blinked them away and picked up the letter. He saw quickly that it wasn't a letter. It was a poem and one he actually recognized from a book she often read. He couldn't remember the name of the poet, just that it was a woman and the book was something like Portuguese Songs or something like that.

Go from me. Yet I feel that I shall stand

Henceforth in thy shadow. Nevermore

Alone upon the threshold of my door

Of individual life, I shall command

The uses of my soul, nor lift my hand

Serenely in the sunshine as before,

Without the sense of that which I forbore-

Thy touch upon the palm. The widest land

Doom takes to part us, leaves thy heart in mine

With pulses that beat double. What I do

And what I dream include thee, as the wine

Must taste of its own grapes. And when I sue

God for myself, He hears that name of thine,

And sees within my eyes the tears of two.

The words hurt him like he wasn't aware he could hurt. There was nothing he could do and yet they both were aching so. Carefully he rolled the cloth again and secured it with the soft ribbon before placing it back with the rest of his treasures in the old mochila.

It was full dark and he knew the hour must be late so Jimmy settled onto his blanket resting his head against his saddle and allowed sleep to come for him. It wasn't a sound sleep and he woke often with a start but not remembering what vision might have brought him from his slumber. By the time the sun finally began to stretch above the horizon he was about to give up on the whole idea of sleep anyway. It wasn't long after midday that he saw the town of Rock Creek come into view. He dismounted and unbuckled his guns. Being so close to town he was sure he would not need them and the guns were better known on sight than he was. He'd been gone just long enough that he didn't need word spreading of Wild Bill riding into town. He shoved the pistols into his saddlebags and pulled himself back into the saddle and continued on his way into town.

Jimmy wasn't sure why he had thought the town would look different but it really didn't at all. He rode in past the old station and down the main street. Only a few people on the street even spared him a glance and he merely nodded at them and tipped his hat if the curious soul happened to be a lady. Certainly no one spared him a second glance. He passed Tompkins' store and it sort of seemed more like home to know that grumpy old cuss was still running the mercantile. Smiling he shook his head remembering how he and his friends would go 'round and 'round with that man but somehow even though he never wanted to, Tompkins learned some tolerance and Jimmy hoped in the time he'd been gone the man might have even learned more. He pulled up the reins in front of the Marshal's office. There was no better place to start than right there and if Jimmy knew Teaspoon the man would be sitting behind his desk, feet propped upon it, hat pulled over his eyes snoring away and yet still aware of everything going on around him.

Stepping inside the office, Jimmy felt like he'd walked back into a different time. Absolutely nothing had changed at all in that room.

"Can I help you?" the old man said from under his hat. Jimmy suddenly had no voice at all and what he thought he might be able to muster he knew would fail him completely should he try to use it. He just stood helplessly inside the door waiting for Teaspoon to look at him. Curiosity got the better of the old marshal and he did tip his head back to its more rightful place on his head and looked at the man in his doorway.

His eyes went up and down the newcomer and then his feet landed on the floor along with the two legs of the chair that had been in the air allowing him to recline for his nap. He swallowed away the lump in his throat and hoped he could speak.

"Jimmy?" he asked tentatively, "Is it really you, son?"

Jimmy looked down at his feet unable to do more than nod. Teaspoon rose from his chair and crossed to his long lost child for as much as he had told Emma that these were not boys, they were men and they needn't be babied, they each had become the children he'd not fathered but got the honor of raising all the same. He knew where every other one of them was including Noah who was in the graveyard and Ike who was in the winds and the sunlight and the flowers in the spring. The only exception was James Hickok. Sure he'd hear a story or two now and then of some of Wild Bill's exploits but it wasn't the same as hearing from the boy or seeing him once in a while. Teaspoon placed a hand on each of Jimmy's shoulders.

"Let me look at you," he said his voice becoming clouded with emotion, "The mustache is new but it looks fine on you. Ain't you riding a little light?"

Jimmy furrowed his brow and then realized Teaspoon was indicating the lack of guns around his hips.

"It's best not to draw attention sometimes," Jimmy replied as he felt himself pulled into an embrace that he readily returned. It wasn't like Teaspoon to put on such a display of feeling but then neither was it Jimmy's way. When a father and son are reunited, as was the case in that office, they are allowed whatever show of affection they deem fitting.

When they parted Jimmy blinked a few times to push back the tears that threatened to form. There was so much he wanted to say to Teaspoon right then but none of it would come out and he couldn't sort even how to put any of it into words. Finally he said the only thing he was sure of.

"I'm sorry."

Teaspoon just shook his head and waved off the apology.

"No, Teaspoon, I mean it," Jimmy asserted, "I caused so much pain and then instead of fixing anything I just left."

"Weren't nothing really that was your fault," the older man said clapping Jimmy on the shoulder and leading him to a chair. "War was starting and people get hurt in wars. No one ever seems to remember that detail until it's far too late."

Jimmy looked down not being able to meet Teaspoon's eyes. He didn't deserve the kindness and as much as he needed forgiveness, he didn't deserve that either.

"I brought her here," Jimmy nearly whispered knowing there was no need to elaborate on the identity of 'her'. "I was stupid and she played me and even after Noah I couldn't see her for what she was."

Teaspoon chuckled. He felt bad about laughing at the boy's hurt but someday Jimmy would understand when, God willing, his own son was in a similar place.

"You ain't the first man to get stupid over a woman and you won't be the last," Teaspoon told him, "The important thing ain't that you left, it's that you came home."

"I was afraid for a while I didn't have one of those anymore."

Teaspoon looked at the man across the desk from him and he didn't see a fearsome gunman or lawman, he didn't see a gambler or hero of dime novels, he didn't even see the stubborn and hotheaded youth at Emma's that first day squaring his jaw at him over the placement of his holster. He saw a frightened little boy and for the first time he truly saw the orphan who had signed on with Russell, Majors and Waddell out of desperation. He saw a wounded child with nowhere to go and a fear that no one loved him because he was unlovable.

"Son," Teaspoon began and he let that word sink in good before he continued. Jimmy needed to know that Teaspoon wasn't just calling him that for something to say, that he really considered him a son. "You've had a home since the first day I met you. I told Emma not to baby you boys and not to get to attached and mother on you. She insisted on it but I'll tell you, I was trying as much to tell myself not to get too attached and not to be trying to take you all in like you was my own. I thought it would be easy seeing as I didn't never have no young uns but damn, if I didn't just get sucked right in too. You made some mistakes and I'll grant you that but everyone does. Ain't a one of us perfect. You being human ain't reason to cast you out. You got a home and you got family and as long as any of us breathe it's here for you."

"I maybe should have written or something," Jimmy said, "I just was too afraid of hearing something back that I didn't want to."

"It's alright. Surprises like this brighten a day right up."

Teaspoon looked to the door as Buck walked in with a smile on his face.

"It was like you said Teaspoon," Buck said with half a chuckle. He nodded at Jimmy, "Hey Hickok," he said before continuing. "Judd passed out and fell off his horse on the way home from the saloon. The horse went on home and left him. He's fine."

Through his whole story Buck had been heading to the coffee pot while Jimmy watched with a smile. He had offered up only a nod in return to his friend's greeting. Buck had his cup in his hand and had just picked up the pot of coffee when he stopped dead. He set the pot back down and turned to face Teaspoon and Jimmy. His eyes were wide as if he was looking at a ghost.

"Afternoon Buck," Jimmy said easily hoping the shock was happy as Teaspoon's had been. Buck was a good guy and they had become close but the man was known to hold a grudge.

"Hickok?"

Jimmy just nodded. Buck's shock spread into a smile that consumed his whole face. It was a smile that Jimmy missed and not just because he'd been away. It was a carefree type of smile that Buck had stopped offering after Ike died. Buck had recovered some after Ike's death but he carried a weight after that and it always tempered even his most genuine smiles with sadness. Jimmy was sure his arrival wasn't the real reason for the lighter countenance of his friend but whatever it was, he aimed to stick around long enough to know it.

"Well, it's about time you came home," Buck said offering a hug, "You've missed a lot. You'd better be planning on sticking around for a while because it might just take weeks to tell you everything that's gone on. How long are you here for?"

"I was thinking of staying permanently."

"That'll make Rachel happy," Buck replied and then a new smile came across his face. "Say, why don't you and me head over to the school? It's about dismissal time and I'm sure she could use some help carrying books and such."

Both men looked at Teaspoon as if asking permission and the man smiled that they would so quickly return to being his boys. He nodded to them as if they even needed to ask him and they left the office smiling.

As they walked, Buck studied his old friend. It was clear Jimmy was glad to be home but there was a worry in him. Buck supposed that part of that was being gone so long and maybe worrying about being welcome. Still there was something else and as much as Buck wanted to ask where Jimmy had been and what prompted him to suddenly come home his instincts told him that wasn't the question for right then. Instead he talked and filled Jimmy in on the rest as best as he could.

He started telling him about Kid and Lou but found Jimmy knew a fair amount from Emma's letter.

"They're going to be so happy to see you," Buck said, "Kid worried he wouldn't ever again but Lou had some faith you'd find your way back. Got to be a little tiff for a bit after the first child was born, their son."

Jimmy looked confused.

"Kid wanted to name him after his brother and Lou argued that it was too formal to not call him by a nickname but it might get confusing. They finally settled on it though."

"Kid's brother's dead," Jimmy said, "How could it be confusing to call any nickname and what does that have to do with me?"

"Not Jed," Buck explained, "Kid wanted to name the boy James after the brother who always looked out for him and had his best interests at heart. Lou argued they could name him James but if they called him by Jimmy then it would get confusing when you came back to us. Kid didn't believe you would but they finally decided to call him Jamie."

"They named their son after me?"

Buck smiled, "You and Teaspoon. That was an argument and a half too but they finally settled on Aloysius for a middle name. The girl is Mary for Lou's ma."

Buck stopped and put a hand on Jimmy's arm.

"I figure Rachel will stake her claim to feeding you immediately and Lou will want to have you over too," he said, "Don't worry, she can cook. You know how she is when she really puts her mind to something. Well she really put her mind to learning to cook and she's a damned fine one now too. Anyway, my point is that once Lou and Rachel are done fussing over you, I'd like to have you over. Jenny would have my head if I didn't extend the invite."

"Jenny?" Jimmy asked and then realization dawned, "Jenny Tompkins?"

"Jenny Cross now," Buck said with a growing smile. Before Jimmy could say anything in response they heard the school bell telling all of dismissal. Kids flooded out chattering and playing. Behind them came a familiar blonde woman. The years had not changed her at all as far as Jimmy could see. She was still lovely. He walked over to her.

"Those books look awful heavy, Ma'am," he said tipping his hat, "Let me give you a hand."

She looked ready to protest but then stopped and turned the voice over in her head before raising her eyes to the face of the man standing next to her. The books fell from her hands onto the soft grass of the schoolyard.

Jimmy watched her mouth open as if to speak but nothing came out. Tears shone in her eyes and she reached for him and threw her arms around his neck hugging him tight.

Rachel could not believe her eyes. As she hugged him she tried to make her mouth work to say something so that he might speak again and she could have her proof that Jimmy had in fact come home. It had nearly broken her heart when he left. She lost so many all at once. Ike went first and then Noah and then Cody joined the Army. She thought she might lose Buck for a while and Kid threatened on more than one occasion to leave for Virginia. In the end he stayed and Cody came home to see her and Teaspoon whenever he could. Jimmy left so hurt inside and so torn up and confused she wondered if she would ever see him again. She knew she had said some things before he left that she regretted and suspected he hadn't meant all he had said either.

"How is a beautiful woman such as yourself still single, Rachel?" Jimmy asked her making her giggle.

Rachel finally loosened her hold on him, "Why don't you ask a certain grouchy old marshal?"

"So it is true," he mused picking up the fallen books and offering his arm to her.

"Can I plan on two handsome men dining with me this evening?" she asked him looping her arm through his.

"I'll be there," he answered, "I ain't speaking for anyone else though."

Okay...so he's home. I never doubted that bygones would be bygones and everyone would be happy to see him. As for the poem Faith copied for him, it is by Elizabeth Barrett Browing who is one of my all-time favorites. And the book it is from is "Sonnets from the Portuguese". She wrote them for her husband Robert Browning. His nickname for her (though I am not sure why) was Portuguese so it was truly a gift for him. They had an epic love story. Anyway...there's still more to this.-J