Jimmy had been home for a couple of months and was finally feeling settled. He'd spent a few weeks in the old bunkhouse. It was hard at first to be there all alone with the memories but after a couple nights he came to understand that the memories were better than the emptiness of his previous rooms. It was still nothing compared to sleeping next to Faith but eventually he had to get past that. He would never have that privilege again. He left and that was that.

Jimmy thought back to maybe a week or so after he had arrived back in Rock Creek. Teaspoon sought him out.

"I was starting to feel the autumn chill yesterday," Teaspoon had said, "This might be the last good fishing day we have. How about it?"

Jimmy knew this was a pretense and had little to do with catching fish but he was sort of grateful for the offer all the same and accepted the invitation.

The pair got settled by the fishing hole and sat in the comfortable silence that comes between people who have a certain history and don't feel the need to fill the quiet with unnecessary words. Eventually Teaspoon cleared his throat.

"Jimmy," he began and then paused as if perhaps he still didn't have his thoughts completely settled in his mind yet. "It's good to have you home and I know you've been a big help to Rachel fixing some things I hadn't gotten to. I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth but I can see there's something weighing on you, son. What exactly happened to bring you back to us?"

"Teaspoon, I really don't want to talk about it," Jimmy said staring at his line in the water.

Teaspoon chuckled a little under his breath, "If that was really true, you wouldn't've come out here with me. You ain't stupid, Jimmy, you knew what I was fixing to ask."

"There was a woman," Jimmy said finally. Teaspoon was right, on some level he must have wanted to talk about this even though it hurt something fierce to even think about her.

"Well, we all get our heart broke at some time or another, son," Teaspoon told him, "I know you've had your share of bad luck with women who weren't what you thought they were."

"It's not like that, Teaspoon," Jimmy protested, "She was perfect."

"No one's perfect," Teaspoon noted.

"I know that but she was perfect for me. She just loved me and let me love her."

Teaspoon sat back to get comfortable while Jimmy told of meeting Faith and how things had progressed with them and even how he had accidentally proposed to her which brought a chuckle from the old man. Teaspoon's smile faded when Jimmy spoke of the telegram and Jimmy's decision to leave. He winced at that choice and his heart hurt to think of the pain that must have come to his boy from that decision.

"I didn't know where else to go really but I thought if Emma still had some warm feeling for me that maybe I could still come here," Jimmy concluded, "If it was still too soon to be welcome here, I was going to head to Omaha. I just didn't want to bounce around anymore."

"Home's where you go when nowhere else seems right," Teaspoon mused, "I'm glad you came back here."

"I know it was the right thing to do—leaving, I mean—but nothing ever hurt like this."

Teaspoon cleared his throat and straightened up.

"I hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all."

"Sounds to me like the words of someone who really never did love at all, or at least never loved Faith,"

"You're still too close to it Jimmy," Teaspoon said and then paused to think of how to proceed when Jimmy gave him a skeptical look that said distance had nothing to do with how bad he was hurting. He sighed heavily before continuing.

"You know I been married six times and I know you think I was probably divorced the same number," he paused again blinking back emotion. Jimmy's head shot up realizing that for once one of Teaspoon's talks might actually make sense to him. "I was widowed twice. As hard as this land can be on a body, and especially women, I guess I'm lucky it was only that many times. The first time it happened was one of the Indian women I married. She was killed and it don't matter much the circumstances just that I wasn't able to protect her and she was gone. I honestly thought I would never love anyone again. But I did. It took a while but eventually it wasn't so raw. Second time I think it was even worse. We was going to have a baby but something went real wrong and when the time came, she died and the baby with her. I thought I'd never get past that. The point of that poem and what I'm trying to tell you is that someday you'll be able to hold tight to the good and the pain will have faded. I ain't going to lie and say it goes away entirely. It don't. The reason I never told this before is that it still hurts a bit. But then I remember how I loved them and how they loved me and how that felt and I know it was a blessing to have shared that."

"I'm sorry, Teaspoon," Jimmy said with tears in his eyes. At least Faith was still out there and could be happy. To think of her gone from the world entirely, knowing that no one would ever know the warmth of her bright smile would probably kill him outright.

"I know son and I appreciate it," the older man told him, "Now what you have to do right now is take care of yourself. Coming back here was a good choice, better than going back to that old life you had. Now that you're home and looking at a different life you still have to look after yourself."

"Rachel and Lou and even Jenny are feeding me-"

"That ain't exactly what I'm talking about," Teaspoon said looking uncomfortable, "You got food and shelter and even some purpose what with helping Rachel out but a man has some needs that are even more basic than those things."

Jimmy looked away willing himself not to blush. He was a grown man and knew all about these needs Teaspoon spoke of. He had indulged them nearly every chance he had and he had just admitted to Teaspoon having indulged them with Faith. Everyone had known those needs were what pulled him to leave with Rosemary and even what had caused the whole unfortunate Sarah Downs incident. He was no stranger to the women in saloons and what they had to offer. But still and all this was Teaspoon standing in front of him talking about a man's needs.

"I'm alright, Teaspoon."

"You might think you are," Teaspoon told him not really wanting to have this talk anymore than Jimmy did, "You didn't leave that long ago and it sounds like you didn't let your frustrations build too much while you was with her. But they will build again and you have to find ways to deal with them. There are establishments just for that purpose, in fact."

"Are you standing there telling me to get over the love of my life by visiting whores?"

"I'd never suggest that you'd get over her," Teaspoon explained, "Just over the, well, the tension that can build in a man. There's a reason they provide that service."

"I'm not sure if I can do that anymore. I mean, I used to but that was before. I never knew it could mean something. Before her, it was just, like you said, to relieve the tension but then Faith showed me what it was to really make love with someone."

Teaspoon took off his hat, ran his fingers through his hair and replaced the hat on his head before speaking again.

"I ain't talking about love, Jimmy," he said, "I'm talking about filling a need. Love is grand and no one I think knows that like I do but sometimes you need to deal with a need even if you don't have the love. Don't neglect yourself. And if visiting one of those ladies don't help, you still have two hands."

Jimmy looked even more embarrassed. Sure every man did that and more often than he'd even admit to himself but no one talked about it as far as he knew.

"Rachel already has enough wood chopped for the winter and you don't look like you feel a bit better for it," Teaspoon said raising an eyebrow, "Think about it."

That night, Jimmy'd gone back to the bunkhouse after supper with Buck and Jenny and got himself ready for bed. He couldn't get Teaspoon's words out of his mind. Maybe he should get dressed and head to the saloon. He knew there was no shortage of women who could see to him but the very thought made him angry. That was the old life of emptiness that he thought he could leave behind once he met Faith. He came home to break that pattern. He still could not deny that he did need a release so, alone in the old bunkhouse where he'd once been surrounded by family he pushed down his long johns and took hold of his cock. He began to stroke himself harder and harder blocking everything out of his mind but the pleasure he was giving himself. He did not think how he no longer was worthy of pleasure or how lonely he was even though he was home and surrounded by family and only after his release spilled hot across his stomach did he take the time to contemplate how pathetic a figure he was alone in the old bunkhouse seeing to his own needs. He grabbed a bandanna and cleaned himself off before rolling over and begging sleep to come for him so he wouldn't have to think on it anymore. If nothing else, his activity had made it easier to sleep and that was something. It made it easier to fall asleep at any rate. Staying asleep was another matter entirely and his night was filled with dreams he couldn't remember but that shook him from his sleep all the same.

Jimmy looked back on that now with gratitude. It wasn't anything like spending hours sharing that pleasure with Faith but it had lightened his step the next day.

He had eventually moved from the bunkhouse and into his own place. He was still alone and lonely but he no longer was mocked by the ghosts of the good times. He thought he might even find his place in the grand scheme of things and that maybe Teaspoon was right, he shouldn't mourn that Faith was gone from him, he should be happy he had ever known her at all. Some days he barely even thought on her but others were so much harder. And the hard times would blindside him too. He'd be going along on a typical day and then something would occur to him that he wanted to tell her, something she'd find funny or sweet and he'd have to remember that she wasn't there for him to tell. Today was just such a day.

He'd been over visiting Lou, just checking in because Kid was away for a few days. Mary was cutting a tooth and was fussing and Lou was just getting overwhelmed. Jimmy had taken the baby from her, kissed her cheek and told her he'd see to the little ones if she'd just get herself some tea and relax a bit. Jamie had followed him inside to help calm little Mary and went on about how to get her settled for a nap. He wanted to tell Faith how good it had felt to hold that little girl and figure out how to soothe her crying. And the way Jamie saw to his little sister and then went to sit next to his mama and pat her hand reminded him so of how Faith had described her Adam. He felt no one else in the world would understand these things or what they meant to him but then Faith wasn't there for him to tell and it was still too soon to write. She and Aaron needed time to be a couple again. He thought then how he hoped that she would get another miracle like her Adam had been. It was the first time he felt truly happy to think of her happiness. He had known in his heart that he should be happy for her but he hadn't felt it until that day. Still it hurt that her joy had to be with someone else.

He couldn't remember how this ritual began for him but one day when he was feeling particularly sad for not being with Faith he had pulled that rolled up cloth from the old mochila and it had begun. It was now the only thing that got him through some days though he knew at some point he would have to face facts and move on and that would mean that he could not do this anymore. But after first feeling so excited about wanting to tell Faith of his time with Lou's kids and then the crushing blow of reality that he could not, nothing else was going to help.

Jimmy peeled his clothes off once he had entered his bedroom and sat on the edge of his bed. He no longer even put the rolled cloth away; it just sat on the small table at his bedside. He untied the ribbon and unrolled the cloth reading the words that he had long before memorized. They were the words of another but they may have been written for their love. He then picked up the willow leaves and just held them remembering how these very leaves had embraced him as he held his love close to him, how they offered glimpses of the star filled sky as it glittered just for them that night. He remembered that magical feeling of floating atop the water listening alternately to the soft waves in his ears and Faith's humming of the sonata. Last he would pick up the bundle of her hair that still carried her clean, fresh scent. He relived every time he had brushed a strand of that hair off of her face and each and every time he'd been fortunate enough to lay in the bed watching her brush through it in her nightly routine. He imagined that hair cascading over her shoulders nearly but not quite concealing her soft breasts, how her hardened nipples would protrude through those tresses as her excitement grew. It was then, every time, that he would place the piece of hair back next to the willow leaves and lie down on the bed his own long hair falling around his head on the pillow. Jimmy's eyes fell closed and his hand drifted down to where his body was responding to the memories those items had conjured and he would begin to recall even more moments with Faith. His hand would close around his growing erection and rub slowly, lightly as Faith would sometimes do when she wanted to get his attention to her needs. A smile ghosted his lips as he could see in his mind the way her mysterious eyes would sparkle as if asking him why he hadn't thought if this first. Lightly his fingers would travel the hardened length remembering every time her fingers or tongue had traveled this route. As his hand tightened once more around himself he would see her beneath him, face flushed and eyes half lidded moaning in pleasure. His hand would speed up gripping tighter at the thought of her astride him, riding him, her breasts bouncing, her hair flying as she throws back her head in ecstasy. Pumping his hand harder and faster he could feel the heat building in his loins, traveling through him and out of his body and coating his stomach and chest in hot, sticky ribbons. As always in his ears as the last wave of pleasure gripped him was Faith's sweet voice, "I love you."

"I love you too, sweetheart," he said aloud to the empty room.

Usually he felt a wave of comfort at this completion but not this night. This night he just felt lonelier and more empty. He rolled to his side and into a ball, not caring to even clean himself, and cried for her, cried for what he lost and what he almost had and the cruelty of God or fate or whatever that would tease him with all he ever wanted and ever could want only to snatch it away. He had been sad, he had been aching. He had even been angry with himself, with her, with Aaron for not being dead. But this was the first time he really cried, really let out everything right from his very soul. It was ugly and it hurt and he screamed and growled even. He punched at the mattress and balled his fists up in the blanket as he curled in tighter on himself and let out every bit of pain that he had ever felt. He cried truly for his mother, for his father, for his sisters and for Noah and Ike. He cried for Faith's pain, for that piece of her that died with Adam. He cried for Emma and her losses and her fears he knew she still carried that her happiness would somehow vanish as quickly as it had done in the past. He cried for what Lou endured through her youth and the fear she still carried. He cried for the child that Teaspoon never got to meet, both of them. He cried for Buck who never wronged a soul and paid the price every day for his father's cruelty. And he cried for his own longing and loneliness. After a while he didn't even know why he was crying but he was. It came in great heaving waves and his breath sometimes left him completely. He thought once or twice that he might be going mad and it almost scared him but he knew he was now powerless whether he was mad or not. Eventually he ran out of tears though his sobs kept coming until he also ran out of energy and fell asleep. His dreams were haunted. He was supposed to save someone, be their hero but he could not find this person. No one would tell him who was in danger or what the danger was. He kept searching only hearing the muffled and muted cries of a woman in the distance but without direction. He just kept stumbling and searching and hoping against hope that he would stumble upon her and be in time to save her.

Um, yeah...I thought this would help him feel better but it just didn't...sorry, Jimmy. Hope everyone is sticking with me. I promise-although I refuse to say how-that there will be some healing to come. I will not leave him permanently in this sad panda state.-J