Jimmy stood stuck to the spot as if his feet had grown roots. He wanted to run to her, to hold her and kiss her and tell her how he had missed her and how lonely he'd been without her. But he was afraid. He still wasn't fully convinced that she was really there and running to her and getting an armful of air would be more than he could take. And he just wasn't sure of anything. He had longed to see her again since the moment he rode away but never dreamed that when he did she'd be pregnant, terrified and possibly battered. None of it made any sense to him at all. She should be overjoyed at expecting a baby and should be with her husband as they anticipated their child. He could see her eyes dart behind him making sure there was no one else. And who on earth would hit a pregnant woman, especially one as sweet as Faith? He wasn't even aware that he was shaking his head trying to figure it out, nor was he thinking of how that simple action would be interpreted by Faith.
"I'm sorry," she whispered cursing herself for the tears that once again flowed down her cheeks, "I didn't know where else to go. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
She just kept repeating that over and over until they weren't even words anymore, just desperate sounds. Her mantra finally caused something to shift inside Jimmy allowing him to move and he propelled himself toward her. He crawled across the bed to her and held her close to him not even noticing her body as it went stiff in his arms.
"It's okay, sweetheart," he said rocking back and forth with her, "I'm here, Faith, I'm here. God, I thought I wouldn't see you again."
He ran his hands over her hair and he swore it was even softer than he remembered.
"You're really here, aren't you?" he asked and she nodded. "I'm not dreaming this, am I?" she shook her head.
Jimmy closed his eyes and just took in her scent, the feel of her against him. Something was wrong with that though. Every other time he had held her close she had melted into him and now she was tense and she wasn't hugging him back.
"I-I'm sorry," he said, "You're in some trouble, aren't you? Something bad's happened?"
She nodded her eyes wide and watchful of every corner of the room.
"Can you tell me?" Faith shook her head. Jimmy sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. "Did you come for me, to be with me?" He saw her nod still looking terrified. "Are you here to stay?" Again she nodded and Jimmy reached out to brush a few stray hairs from her face.
"Then you tell me the rest when you're ready," he told her, "It doesn't matter this minute. You're here and we can be together now and I guess we'll raise this baby together too. I don't care it's not mine."
He stood to set to collecting her things so he could take her home with him but she held his hand and tugged gently for him to turn to her.
"It's yours," she said rubbing her belly. Jimmy sank back down onto the bed.
"Are you sure?"
Faith had been unsure of so much when Jimmy arrived. She had spent hours and hours through the last few months dreaming of coming to him with their child in her arms and how he would welcome her. Never had she envisioned coming to him bruised and roughly the size of a barn, crying and desperate. She had hoped on her journey to Rock Creek that he would welcome her but she understood if he would not. It always hung at the back of her mind that although he professed his love to her, he had left her all the same and maybe Aaron being alive was a convenient way out of his inadvertent proposal. That he could look at her size and think she was still three months from her due date was unthinkable or that he could entertain the thought she might have been with anyone other than Jimmy or Aaron. How could he even ask this? She was still frightened of so much. Her heart told her that Jimmy would never hurt her but then so much had happened that her head was screaming for her to ignore her heart and protect herself. Still his words hurt her worse than fists ever could.
"I was never unfaithful to you while we were together, not once," she said and could not help the indignant tone, "I'm at least seven months along. You do the math."
It was pretty easy math at that. Aaron had been home for six months, if she was seven months then there was only one other option.
"I'm-I mean, you're-well, really we-we're going to have a baby?"
"Yes," she said meekly, so much so that it concerned Jimmy. But he didn't spare much thought for the concern. Instead he was overwhelmed with this new knowledge. He reached for her tummy to touch the bump that contained his child, their child but Faith pulled sharply away.
Jimmy dropped his hand and then looked to her again.
"I guess I should be getting you home," he said, "That was the plan right? To come home with me? You don't have to."
"I came to be with you," she replied hoping that it really was what he wanted. She felt she was getting such mixed signals although perhaps she was reading too much into his words and body language. Maybe he didn't see her bruises as clearly as she did when she looked in the mirror. Maybe he didn't see how fat and ugly and pathetic she was but then how could he not? She was repulsive. She stood to head for the door but Jimmy put an arm gently around her as if trying not to startle her and lifted her into his arms.
"You aren't walking until I know you're alright. Now let's get out of here," he said carrying her out of the building pausing only to have a quiet word with the doctor.
"She need anything besides food, water and rest?" he asked.
"I don't believe so," Dr. Braden answered, "I wasn't able to perform a complete examination. Keep an eye on her for any other signs of injury and make sure she tells you if the baby is moving less than normal."
"I will," Jimmy answered, "Thank you, Doc."
He tried to set Faith down in the back of the buckboard but she only gripped him tighter. Jimmy continued on to the front of the wagon.
"You can sit with me, I actually kind of like that idea a lot better," he said lifting her onto the buckboard, "But I still have to set you down a minute. I have to talk to Buck real quick but you remember how fast I can draw and I'm not taking my eyes off of you. No one will get anywhere near you to hurt you."
She finally released his neck and allowed him to place her on the wagon but her eyes followed him as if she might die on the spot if she lost sight of him.
Jimmy went over to Buck to have a brief word with him.
"Thanks for seeing to her," he said, "When I get this sorted, I'll explain. In the meantime, anyone asking after her, I need you to keep her whereabouts to yourself."
Buck nodded and watched as the wagon disappeared from his sight. That woman was in trouble, there was no mistaking that and if anyone could help her it was probably the man she was riding out of town with but he did hope her trouble didn't bring danger to his friend.
He was still standing there lost in thought when Teaspoon rode in. The story was quickly related and Buck noticed Teaspoon's wince when he said the woman's name.
"You know who she is, Teaspoon?" Buck asked.
"Ain't my place to say too much but he's in love with her," Teaspoon replied.
"I got that much figured on my own," Buck said.
Jimmy pulled the wagon to a stop and walked around it lifting Faith into his arms and carrying her to a stool inside the barn.
"Sit right there," he instructed, "You can see me the whole time, alright?"
She nodded and he set to work unhitching the horse and getting it settled in its stall. The silence between them was enough to nearly suffocate him so he started talking.
"So you met Buck," he said pausing in case she felt the need or want to say anything. When she just sat there quiet as a mouse he continued. "He's changed some but then you didn't know him before and I'm sure he looks pretty much how I described him. He went and got himself married. I know I told you about all the fights we used to get into with the shopkeeper Tompkins over Buck and he went and married that man's daughter. You wouldn't see the changes in either of those men to look at 'em but they're different all the same.
Again he paused and again was met with silence.
"I wish I could've introduced you proper to him," he continued, "I will since you're sticking around and all. His wife, Jenny, is expecting too so I guess you girls would have a fair amount to talk about. I wish Teaspoon had been around for you to meet. You'd like him, I know you would."
He stood there searching so hard for something else to say that he almost didn't hear her whisper.
"I'm sorry. I didn't know where else to go or who else to go to."
Jimmy was finished with the horse by then and went to her kneeling in front of her.
"A wise man once told me that home is where you go when you don't know where else to go. We used to be home for each other," he looked down as if afraid he'd made a terrible mistake saying what he did and doing so he missed the grateful look in her eyes. "Please don't be sorry for coming to me. I was afraid I wouldn't see you again and that hurt something awful."
He then picked her up and carried her toward the house. Part of Faith wanted to tell him that he didn't need to carry her and she was perfectly capable of walking but then it felt so very good to be safe in his arms she stayed silent. Once inside Jimmy sat her on a soft chair and pulled over another chair for her feet. When she reached for the laces on her boots he rushed back to her.
"You want those boots off?" he asked and waited for her weary nod before crouching next to her and untying the boots. He loosened her laces and tugged one boot off and then stared mystified at how the foot he saw before him had been shoved in the boot. He quickly got the other one off and saw the same thing. Her feet were swelled to at least twice their normal size. "Do they hurt?"
Faith looked timidly at him and shook her head and when he gave her an incredulous stare she said softly, "Not much," and dipped her head as if embarrassed.
He took one of her swollen feet in his hands and began to rub at it gently and then the other one. Once he had rubbed at both of them a bit and could see the swelling going down he looked and saw Faith's head resting back against the head rest her eyes half closed. As soon as his hands left her feet her eyes flew open.
"Feel better?" he asked and she nodded. "Well, something tells me you just did that to make me feel better but I'll take it."
He stood and looked at her and wondered how a woman that large with a baby could possibly look small but it was almost like she was willing herself to be small. He moved his fingers to trace over her blackened eye and Buck was right, it had faded a bit but not nearly enough to not notice it.
"It sure looks like you've been through far more than a woman in your condition ought to have," he said, "I still don't suppose you feel up to telling me any of it?"
She shook her head and stared at her hands in her lap, or what was visible of her lap beyond the belly.
"It's alright," he assured her, "You're safe now though something tells me you don't fully believe that. Anyway, we can talk more tomorrow. I'm going to get you some food and water and then maybe once you get a good night's sleep you'll feel like talking more." He started to walk away and then seemed to remember something. "Oh yeah, the doc said you should tell me if the baby ain't moving like it normally does. He seemed pretty sure it was fine but you'll tell me if something ain't right, won't you?"
"Yes," she said meekly as her fingers rubbed small circles on her belly.
Jimmy came back with a small plate of food and a cup of water.
"There's more food if you're hungry and Doc said water was real important, more important even than food."
"Thank you," she said rubbing her belly again, "You've been so kind."
Jimmy didn't know what to think about that statement. He didn't think he was all that kind. For starters he was only doing what decent folk do and for another thing, he loved her and seeing to the needs of the person you love wasn't kindness exactly, it was something else. He didn't know the word for it but he didn't have another way to be toward her.
Faith watched him while she ate. He picked at his own food and looked nervous and uncomfortable. She would drop her eyes as soon as he raised his to her. She wanted to hope. She wanted to believe he really loved her still. That was ridiculous though. He couldn't love her. It just wasn't possible. He was just taking pity on her. She had no choice but to accept his pity. Maybe in time she could win back his love. She perked her ears up when she realized he was talking.
"I don't know much about ladies in a family way," he was saying, "I visited Celinda when she was expecting my nephew but all I got out of that was that sometimes they wanted strange foods. I could get you whatever you want if there's something. You just have to tell me."
He looked at her until she nodded that she would tell him and then he started in talking again.
"I can't wait to have you meet everyone," he went on, "I know they'll all love you."
"How do you know?" she asked and surprised even herself with her boldness.
"Well, I know them and you're their kind of people," he replied, "And I love you. In the past when I was young and stupid that didn't mean nothing. But you're a good person and you always treat me good. I know they will love you as much as I do."
Faith winced and her hand flew to her abdomen. Jimmy was instantly afraid he'd somehow upset her or maybe he shouldn't have taken her from the doc's.
"Are you okay, Faith?" he asked filled with worry, "I upset you. There's nothing wrong is there? Do I need to get some help?"
She shook her head a smiled an almost full and relaxed smile at him before wincing once more.
"Little one just got me in the ribs is all," she said and then felt emboldened by his concern for her. She took his hand and placed it on her belly. "Feel that? It moves all over when you talk. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I would guess there's some sort of instinct to know its father's voice."
Jimmy could feel a stupid looking grin come over his face as he felt the movements within her body. He had never felt anything like it before.
"It stopped," he said after a few moments. Faith could see moisture in his eyes and something like fear.
"Talk," she said, "It likes your voice."
Jimmy inched closer pressing both hands and his forehead to her belly.
"Hey there little one," he said softly and Faith could feel the vibrations of his deep voice across the skin of her abdomen. "You're quite the special little guy or gal. I don't think you know how special. You probably also don't know that you have the prettiest mama in the territory but I guess you'll see that for yourself."
He was about to say more when there was movement below Faith's skin as it looked like the child within made a full somersault. Jimmy looked up nervously at her.
"That didn't hurt you, did it?"
Faith shook her head fighting back the tears at his words.
"I'm glad because that was incredible," he said, "To think there's a little squirming baby in there just waiting to come out."
Faith yawned and the two of them looked at each other awkwardly. Sleeping arrangements had yet to be addressed. Each hoped for something but was too shy to express it. It was Jimmy who took the bull by the horns.
"Doc said you need your rest," he said, "I don't know how you want to do this. I mean, my bed is the most comfortable sleep you're going to get here. But I don't want to make you feel strange. We haven't shared a bed in months—not that I mean we'd share one like that, I wouldn't want you to think I'm expecting things—but still, I want you to be able to sleep and I don't know what's going to make that happen for you."
"You would stay with me?" she asked.
"I would go and be anywhere you asked me."
She nodded, "Where do we sleep then?"
He could tell she was forcing the brave face and without knowing what she'd been through he could only guess that someone had made her expect the worst from everyone and everything. But at least she was trying for the bravado that he'd noticed on the first day they had met. That was some progress anyway. He loved her quiet strength and was glad to see it returning. He straightened up and was about to lift her.
"I can walk, you know," she informed him, "You don't have to throw your back out carting me around."
He looked at her feet which still appeared angry.
"They always look like that," she said following his gaze, "They will until the baby comes."
"I'm sorry," Jimmy said feeling suddenly guilty for her condition.
She smiled at him that amused smile she once would get when he did something she found adorable and silly all at the same time.
"I'm not," she told him, "It's a small price to pay."
He helped her from the chair and led her to his room.
"It ain't much but then it's only been me here," he said apologetically, "Never had anyone to impress before."
"It's fine," she assured him.
The stood there for a few moments before Jimmy chuckled a bit.
"You'd think we'd never been in a room together before," he said softly, "Six months isn't so long we should feel this weird, is it?"
"It's long enough that you haven't seen this body before," she whispered embarrassed, "It's huge and ugly."
"It would seem to me that whatever it looks like is at least partly my fault. And I ain't looking for anything tonight but you getting some rest."
Faith was conflicted about his words. On the one hand she was exhausted and unsure of so many things and afraid of what he might demand of her but on the other hand she did want him and his touch. She didn't want him to be repulsed by her and if he wasn't already, he would be once her clothes came off.
Jimmy peeled away his clothes down to his long johns that he was thankful he was wearing that day. He saw her struggle with the buttons at the back of her blouse and crossed quickly to help her. He then sat on the edge of the bed to watch her ready herself. He hoped he wouldn't make her uncomfortable but it was one of his favorite parts of the day when they were together and he missed it so. Soon she was standing before him naked and preparing to pull her night gown over her head but he quickly went to her and stayed her hand.
Faith was puzzled at first and thought she might have a choice to make about the course of events and if she could convince him to just let her sleep or even if she wanted to. But this had nothing to do with her nakedness. She had forgotten.
Jimmy didn't find her body ugly at all. There was a beauty to the large sweeping curve of her belly especially knowing it contained his own child. Her breasts were larger as well and he almost thought he was going to have to pull a blanket over himself to hide his arousal but then he saw the marks upon her body. There were bruises everywhere, including her belly. Some were faded and some as fresh as the darkened and swollen patch around her eye.
She tried in vain to cover herself and the shameful marks on her skin.
"Please, Jimmy," she begged working her arm loose from his grasp, "I don't want to talk about this right now. I'm so tired. I tell you tomorrow. I promise. Just, please, not right now."
Jimmy staggered back until he bumped into and sank onto the bed. He watched as her body disappeared beneath her nightgown as it fell over her. His head swirled trying to make sense of everything. Trying to figure who could have done that and where was her husband while this was happening. Surely Aaron would never have let something like this happen. Perhaps he was dead. That was the only thing Jimmy could think of. He sat stock still and could not even take comfort in watching her brush through her long brown hair which was even more beautiful and luxurious than he remembered. Once her hair was in its familiar plait for the night, she rose and walked to the bed. Even in his shock and confusion he felt comfort in seeing her go to her side of the bed as it had been while they were together. He made himself move and get under the blankets on his side as well and just laid there as if frightened to move and really he sort of was.
"Jimmy," she squeaked timidly, "I understand if you say no but would, I mean, could you hold me a little while?"
He rolled to her and realized how desperate he was to hold her. He had only been afraid of frightening her. He pulled her to him and despite the lump between them and the shaky ground he felt himself on and the confusion, the hurt and everything else that was still there, holding her he felt whole for the first time in half a year.
This chapter was tough...more than I thought it would be. This is the third time I rewrote it. So much awkward. But then some good stuff too.-J