Hey again!
Yeah, I know, this was a quick update! :O I know it's still prety short, as far as chapters go, but it was either cut it here, or add on the next scene, making it a lot longer, and also taking more time... So this way, everyone wins! I guess...
Disclaimer: I own nothing you see her. BAWWWWWWW
"You should go to bed, nephew."
"In a minute." The boy replied distractedly, still trailing his fingers absentmindedly up and down his green trousers.
He hated wearing green.
Iroh sighed deeply, crossing the small living space to where Zuko crouched on the windowsill, his head bowed. Without a word, the elderly man leaned against the wood, his arms crossed, casting a pensive gaze across the dirty small courtyard.
"What is it that's on your mind, my young Prince?" Iroh asked presently, earning a scowl from the teen.
"Don't call me that." Zuko muttered, drawing his knees closer to his chest. "I'm not..."
"... All right." Iroh didn't press the subject. "I was wondering if-"
"It's just so stupid!" Iroh jumped as Zuko lashed out, anger resonating through his tone. "And unfair."
"My brother has never been fair." Iroh noted, his eyes seemingly unfocused. "He is being the Fire Lord. Fairness and that title do not exactly go hand in hand."
"Yes, but why not?" Zuko said bitterly. "I mean... Look at the Earth King. He's... Well, he's certainly not violent..."
"Do you remember what I said about the various four elements?" Iroh said, sounding thoughtful. "How they were interlinked between the people of the respective nations?"
"Yeah..." Zuko let one leg dangle over the side of the window, his bare foot cold in the night air.
"It also corresponds to the governing of a nation. Why do you think the Fire Lord is a vicious and powerful character? If he ruled like a waterbender, he would be overthrown in an instant. Their belief in community isn't in our doctrine."
"So I would have been useless as a Fire Lord." Zuko muttered. "And Azula is perfect for the job. Great."
"I said 'is', not 'must be'." Iroh corrected his young nephew. "The Fire Lords before Sozin were largely peace-loving. It was greed that poisoned them."
"A drive for power and success isn't a poison!" Zuko exclaimed.
"You sound like your father." Iroh said regretfully. "This so-called drive for power and success is costing more lives and freedom than the planet hass ever seen before."
"I know." Zuko mumbled. "I've seen the cost. The human cost. Families being torn about, villages razed, communities massacred... I don't know how my father sleeps at night."
"In a very comfortable bed." Iroh cast an eye to his thin futon in the next room, shaking his head. "He hasn't seen what you and I have seen. Indeed, I can only think of a very few times he has ever left the Fire Nation at all."
"I couldn't do it." Zuko muttered. "The war... I couldn't. After seeing all of these people get hurt, what they're reduced to... I'd call it off."
"And that is why Ozai will give his throne to Azula." Iroh said gravelly. "Unless the Avatar defeats him."
"I don't think Aang would exactly let me have the throne." He sighed. "I don't think the Fire Nation would let me have the throne. I'm a traitor, remember? An enemy of the state. No one would want a failure like me."
"Zuko, you are not a failure." Iroh said firmly. "How many times must I tell you this? You have been punished, far too severely, for one childish outburst."
"But-"
"What Ozai did was nothing short of sadistic." Iroh was being very blunt. "And capturing the Avatar? Your ancestors all tried, and failed, to find him."
"But that's because he was hidden, frozen in a block of ice." Zuko muttered. "If he wasn't..."
"Azula is trying to capture him to, so I hear." Iroh noted. "She too, has yet to succeed. You may think yourself weak, for not being able to capture a twelve year old boy, but I think you human, for not being able to overcome the most powerful being on the planet, the bridge between the two worlds."
"... Thanks, Uncle." Zuko have a small smile, despite himself. Iroh always knew how to put things in perspective.
"You're welcome." Iroh beamed. "And whether you are the Prince, Zuko, or Lee, you are still my nephew. I even-"
"No, Uncle." Zuko gritted his teeth. "I know what you are going to say. And don't."
"... All right." Iroh murmured, eyes downcast.
"... Have you been to his grave yet?" Zuko's voice broke the silence a few minutes later. "It... Was his birthday recently, wasn't it?"
"... Yes. It was." Iroh's head was bowed. "I-I went..." Zuko straightened up, watching his uncle. "The headstone's gone, of course, the Earth Kingdom soldiers would have destroyed it, but the grounds' untouched."
"... I'm sorry Uncle." Zuko slowly got down from the windowsill, resting a hand on the elderly mans' shoulder. "You shouldn't have had to go through that. It... It never should have happened."
"... I know." Iroh's voice was shaking, and one hand grasped at Zuko's tightly, clinging to the comfort.
"I don't remember much of Lu Ten." Zuko admitted, feeling the mans' hand and shoulder tense. "But... He was nice. And strong. He would have made a good Fire Lord. You would have too."
"I..." Iroh swallowed, and tried a different tack. "Sometimes I wonder... What would have happened, if Lu Ten had lived. If my father wouldn't have had revoked my birthright. I wouldn't be this man here today."
"No." Zuko said softly. "You would be more like my father. More like Azulon."
"And that I could not bear." Iroh breathed. "The way Ozai has treated you, and the way my father annulled what should have been mine..." He shook his head. "A fathers' love becomes worthless."
"What..." Zuko swallowed. "What... Do you know, or remember, about Azulon's death?"
"Eh?" Iroh turned to look at the boy. "What do you mean?"
"I mean..." Zuko licked his lips. "He died in the night, right? I-I mean, he was old, but he was still so healthy..."
"He died in his sleep." Iroh said softly. "They said his heart just stopped beating. That happens in elderly men, even at my age sometimes."
"O-Oh..." Something unpleasant swirled in the pit of Zuko's stomach. "But... The whole choosing my father to be the next Fire Lord... Didn't you think it... strange?"
"... No." Iroh shook his head. "I mean, with no children myself, my bloodline had ended. My brother, on the other hand, had you and Azula. It just... It hurt, to learn he thought that little of me."
"I don't think it was him." Zuko ventured bravely. Iroh became very still. "I know you don't know anything that happened, you were still in Ba Sing Se, and everything you eventually learned was from my father, and-"
"Zuko, please, just tell me what you know." Iroh said very quietly, looking down at the wooden windowsill, which he now gripped tightly in two hands.
"The day before he died... I heard them talking." Zuko started to say, his palms sweating. "I should have told you this sooner... But I was too scared, a-and then when we were out of the Fire Nation, I was so caught up with pursuing the Avatar, I-"
"Please, just tell me what you heard Ozai and my father say." Iroh's voice was monotonous, but Zuko could hear how tense he was.
"This was the day before Azulon died." Zuko swallowed. "It was Azula. She was the one who dragged me behind the curtain to listen to my father and grandfather talk privately. M-my father... He said that, because Lu Ten died, and your bloodline had stopped, you should be passed over and the throne given to him."
"Agni." Iroh breathed to himself, sounding pained.
"I ran out." Zuko continued. "I couldn't hear anymore, but Azula sure did. It turns out that Azulon was really really angry at what my father suggested. He said that he should learn the pain of losing a first-born son for his disobedience." He looked over at Iroh, but the elderly man said nothing, staring fixedly at the wooden sill. "My mother heard Azula telling me... She dragged her off and in the morning, Grandfather was dead, and my mother was gone..." Zuko blinked rapidly. "Putting two and two together isn't hard."
"And... You are sure of this?" Iroh said slowly, in disbelief. Zuko nodded, then realised his uncle wasn't looking at him.
"Yes." He clarified. His own hands shaking. "I-I'm sorry Uncle..."
"Don't be sorry." Iroh shook his head. "Yours and Azula's eavesdropping more than likely saved your life."
"But why would he say that." Zuko muttered. "See? I told you I was a failure. If I had been worth something, if I had been more like Azula-"
"Zuko, please don't say that." Iroh sounded aged, much older than he really was. "You need to be proud of who you are. What you have done, what you have accomplished..."
"All the same... If I could get him, I would." He muttered savagely. Iroh sighed.
"I am going to bed." He straightened his back, and turned, still not looking at Zuko. "Thank you for revealing that Zuko. It has cleared many demons from my mind – and brought forth several new ones."
"He's a horrible person." Zuko growled.
"Who?"
"My father, who else." He clenched his hands into fists. "He... He doesn't care, does he? About anyone but himself. Himself and his throne."
"... Power corrupts." Iroh said simply. "But I will not say that growing up with him was a very pleasant experience."
"... I feel sorry for Azula." Zuko's shoulders' slumped. "She'll go too far one day. She'll cross him." He gently touched his scar. "She'll finally learn what it's like to lose your honour."
"Or she'll kill him." Zuko whirled around, eyes wide. "You haven't suspected the possibility?"
"She respects him too much." Zuko said disbelievingly. "You might be an old fool, and I a failure in her eyes, but she thinks really highly of Dad. She wouldn't..."
"She would, to be Fire Lord." Iroh stared past Zuko, into the night sky. "When she grows older, and even more deceptive and cunning, her patience will shrink. Do you think she would wait for Ozai to grow old and die?"
"... I don't know." Zuko mumbled. "I... Don't want to think about that."
"You love your father?"
"I said, I don't know." He crossed his arms. "I thought you were going to bed."
"... All right." Iroh heaved a sigh, and started making his way to his small bedroom. "But Zuko," He paused in the doorway. "I don't like the truth, any more than you do. Azula is your sister, and Ozai your father. To think either of them capable of bloodshed against the other is near impossible to comprehend. But I am just warning, that the possibility does exist."
"I-I know Uncle..." Zuko nodded. "Night."
"... Good night my nephew." And with a slight bow, Iroh slid the door shut.
"You're wrong." Zuko whispered fiercely to the night air. "You're wrong, Uncle. Azula will not follow my father. I will. I'm going to the find the Avatar. I'm going to bring him to father in chains. And Azula, not I, will be the one hanging her head in shame from failure."
It was nonsense, really. How as he even going to find Aang, let alone capture and retain him? It was sinking to desperation, these thoughts he held on to, of finding him and returning to his kingdom enthroned in glory. Despite his bitter resentment towards the tyranny and the violence of the war the Fire Nation was inflicting, he still wanted, needed, longed, to be the Prince, and later, the Fire Lord.
Fire Lord...
Like Sozin. Azulon, Father...
Sozin, who began the war against the other nations, wiping out an entire race. Azulon, who cruelly ordered his youngest son to murder his own first-born for suggesting something which was actually deadly practical. Ozai, who essentially tortured and banished a thirteen-year-old boy for arguing against an act of intense injustice.
They're horrible people...
Zuko bowed his head, fingertips at his temples. They've all committed atrocities, both against the war, and their own children, their own flesh and blood and bone.
I'm not like that. I'm... I'm sure I'm not. Sure, I've done some bad things, but I've done good too! And the bad is nowhere near as bad as what Azula has done. She's a monster.
Ugh. I am weak. Zuko started to pace the floor distractedly, his thoughts whirling. I care about the people of the Earth Kingdom. To an extent, I do. The innocent lives that have been uprooted... It's not right. Nothing can ever justify it being right. How is this war supposed to be for the good of the world when it's causing so much pain?
Maybe if I was more like Azula, I would be loved by my father. Maybe? Of course he would. If he was capable of love. I've never seen him smile. Oh, maybe once or twice when Azula's prodigal nature shone through, but that was always a smirk of self-satisfaction. A 'look at what I created' sort of pride. I never got that...
But I don't want to be like Azula! Zuko gritted his teeth, bowing his head. I don't want to be the cold, heartless monster she is. She doesn't give a damn for anyone, not even her closest friends. She might be strong, but she's so empty. All she cares about is way and killing and victory and the Fire Nation.
How in the name of Agni is this ever going to work! He thought he was going to rip his hair out. To truly redeem myself in my fathers' eyes, I have to be like him, be like Azula. I could have done that earlier, when I was the spoilt, self-obsessed prince who ruled his ship with an iron fist. But I'm not that person. All these weeks and weeks on the run... They've changed me, more than those three years of exile ever did. Heh. I really do have a heart.
I wish there was an answer. I wish there was some way I could show father that my 'weaknesses', my 'faults' are what's made me strong. My struggles are what's made me who I am, and that's a good thing!
But he would never see that. Zuko sunk to his knees. He'll never see that. Even if I caught the Avatar... Azula would still mock me relentlessly, his Generals would still never look me in the eye, I would still have to be on a constant watch with myself.
It's hopeless. Maybe I should give up. Give up my dream like Uncle has. He's accepted that the Fire Nation is lost to us. But he's found his dream, in this tea shop debacle. What's my hobby? How do I fill my time?
What's my... Purpose?
If I'm to let Prince Zuko die, then what do I do? Serve tea for the rest of my life? What is the life of Lee? I could join the army, I guess. If anything else, I could go out in a haze of glory.
The son of the Fire Lord, joining the rank-and-file like an illiterate refugee. I almost wish that would happen, and everyone found it. If nothing else, it would embarrass my father to no end.
I'm thinking too much about this. Zuko shook his head. This is all too much to take in at once. I mean, what am I saying? Throw away my honour? Become some sort of grubby Earth Kingdom peasant? I'm still young, and so is the Avatar. I only have until the Comet before he fades into irrelevance. I should be pro-active, searching relentlessly for him night and day, doing everything I can to track him down and defeat him.
Because that's worked so well the previous months. Zuko made a face. And besides, I would have to tear Uncle away from his precious shop. Now his lifelong passion has become his career, he's happier than he's been in years. And he needs that. After everything he's been through, he needs that. Losing his son, the Fire Nation throne, and then being banished, labelled a traitor and enemy of the Fire Nation...
That last part is my fault. Zuko swallowed in realisation. Me and my desperation to capture the Avatar. If it wasn't for me, he would be the esteemed Dragon of the West still. He's made so many sacrifices for me...
The least I can do is be happy for him. Zuko rested on the balls of his feet, hands clenched, gazed fixed on the floorboards. I can be a tea-boy for a little while longer if it keeps him happy, can't I?
It's not like I have many other options. His shoulders were slumped. Lee has a clean slate. A faceless boy in the largest city in the world. Prince Zuko is being pursued by both the Fire Nation and Earth Kingdom, facing trial and more than likely execution.
Logic is screaming at me right now...
But it's not black and white like that! Zuko felt like screaming and kicking something. There's so many shades of grey you can't even see any black and white anymore. I can't give up on something I fought so hard, so long for. I won't give up.
I need sleep. Zuko stood up, padding across the living space in his bare feet. He pressed his palms on the sill, peering over the maze of tiled and thatched roofs to get a glimpse of at least part of the horizon. The inky black that smothered the sky was turning a lighter shade of grey on the eastern side, meaning that dawn was a couple of hours away, at the most. Shoulders slumping in a long sigh, he slipped into his own room, barely the size of a closet, sliding the door shut behind him. He stripped out of his clothing, sliding in between his sheets in shorts, and pulled the blankets up to his chin.
Closing his eyes, Zuko thought about his bed at the palace. The mattress, incredibly soft, was so wide he could roll all about on it if he wanted to. The sheets were of a deep crimson silk, and his feather-stuffed pillows were absolute heaven to rest ones head on. He opened his eyes again, wriggling a little under the blankets. The futon was far from thick, and indeed he swore he felt the ground in a few places. Although clean, his sheets were thin and coarse, and the blankets were of little better quality. And his pillow was ineffectually thin.
I know what I would prefer right now. Zuko thought dryly, closing his eyes again. Although, he remembered as a child, many sleepless nights in the monstrous bed in his massive chamber.
I was always so uneasy, unsettled. Mother tried to dismiss it, but she wasn't fooling anyone. Why didn't I have any friends? Because I was too shy to make them, too scared they would hate me. Why did I avoid my father? Because every time I saw him, another subtle insult was thrown my way, outlining my faults. Why did Azula torment me? Because I was so meek and timid, I made it so damn easy for her.
Agni, when was the last time I was happy? Zuko screwed up his face. With Mother, of course. Feeding the turtle-ducks... Having her read to me at night... sharing letters from Uncle together... Just stupid little things I took for granted. I'd do anything to have them now.
This isn't helping. Zuko rolled over onto his side, trying to steady his breathing. I need to sleep. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I have to be prepared, and I'm not going to be able to do that if I'm exhausted.
Tomorrow, Lee has to spend the day serving tea. And Jin will be there again. His cheeks coloured slightly. She said she wanted to take a walk with me after work... I said I would think about it... Oh Agni, I haven't even considered that!
Zuko buried his face in the pillow and groaned.
I'll say yes. Simple. Now sleep.
But...
No, sleep!
He rolled over onto his back, exasperated. I just need to close my eyes, and breathe deeply. Imagine myself somewhere and think only on that. He closed his eyes, and began to breathe deeply. Inhale through the nose, exhale out the mouth. Behind his eyes, visions of peaceful, shady glades and the soft trickle of running waters, the occasional bird twittering and flitting about, danced.
What is it about mental and emotional turmoil that is so fun to probe?
Or maybe Im just weird. Who knows?
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