The update's sooner than I expected.
Hope you enjoy, the usual disclaimers.
~DSL

The evil behind two faces

Chapter 14

"Observing Axel" by Roxas Takeda

The first time Axel got 'sick' and came back to school after being gone for three school days, I was really suspicious, but kept the not asking and not telling thing up. I tried to look after him a bit, as there was something off about him. I had known since I first looked him in the eye, but once again, I didn't ask. All I did was trying to make sure he ate something, didn't have to walk home and paid attention in class.

I always was careful around him, making sure I didn't touch him, as it became obvious that he didn't like to be touched. He'd move away slightly if you approached him, I'm not even sure if he knew he did so.

Another thing that stood out was the fact that he didn't talk much, something we had in common. Since I appreciate silence, I don't really mind, but I noticed Sora didn't really like it. Then again, Sora doesn't like silence, one of the reasons why him and Demyx get along so well. Demyx never seemed to mind, however. Then again, him and Axel have been friends since kindergarten...

Something that was less noticable, but I noticed soon was that Axel didn't care about food, going without for a whole school day didn't seem to bother him. As he was scarily thin, it did bother me and so I tried to make sure he ate something. At some point it had become a habit, bringing more food for lunch, so he could eat something as well.

I soon learnt that delivering his homework and trying to see how he was doing when he was 'sick' wasn't a good thing to do, as it made him stay home longer and he seemed worse than usual when he came back.

In general, Axel didn't pay much attention in class. There were three subjects that sometimes managed to catch his attention, but I didn't take one of them: science. Art and history we did have together and art hardly ever failed to catch his attention. History got boring from time to time, but didn't every subject? Axel and I both expressed ourselves through art, both mainly through writing. The teacher liked to put people in pairs, and somehow Axel and I were paired up a lot of the time, doing assignments together and getting to know each other better. We found out that we both prefered to write, but drawing did the trick as well. We recognized things in the other's drawings, loneliness, pain, unprocessed sadness and grief, sometimes a bit of agression, and selfhate. A lot of it.

We both saw the similarities in our art, the same emotions, the same struggles. A lot of the same things, for different reasons. We both knew that the time would, or maybe wouldn't come when we'd use words to explain it to each other, instead of pictures. For now, just knowing we weren't alone in this big evil world and that someone understood our distress about life, made it all a bit more bearable.

As Axel was so uncomfortable with physical contact, it surprised me when he hugged me. I was having a really bad day once and he touched my shoulder with one finger, wanting my attention. When I turned to face him, he carefully wrapped his arms around me in a comforting hug. It was a short one, and I didn't dare move, but it was a hug. When he let go, he gave me a genuine smile, another rare thing. He smirked and grinned all the time, but a genuine smile was something I hadn't seen yet. I smiled back, a real smile from my side, which wasn't very common either.

Whenever Axel went to the bathroom, I worried about him. As I had seen his arms, I knew he cut himself, as he knew I did so too. I figured he cut himself at school as well, as sometimes his sleeves seemed wet, and he seemed even paler than usual. I knew the signs, as I had seen them with myself. He knew I worried about him, as I knew he worried about me. Somehow, knowing the other worried helped us both. The bathroom visits gradually got less often for both of us, though it took quite some time. Once it's a habit, it's hard to kill.

Soon enough, I learnt to be worried whenever Axel wasn't at school for days. Axel asked me to stop visiting when he was sick, something I figured out would be a smart thing to do. I did so with pain in my heart, life was more bearable with him around, and I know it sounds egocentric, but I needed Axel around more and more. Whenever Axel was absent I sticked with Demyx a lot, trying to get some information from him on how Axel was doing. Also because he was so close to Axel, being around him helped me get through my school days as well.

In more than one way, Axel and I helped each other through the days. Knowing we weren't alone anymore, knowing someone understood our pain, made us feel that tiny bit better. It saved us from doing worse things to ourselves. It made our worst enemy a little less dangerous, less frightening, our worst enemy being ourselves.