Chapter 16 is almost finished as well, wrote that when I started the story, haha.
Hope you enjoy, the normal disclaimers...
Got my inspiration from Sammy Dee.
~DSL

The evil behind two faces

Chapter 15

"Observing Roxas" by Axel Nakayama

As the first weeks with Roxas and Sora around rolled by, Roxas and I got more and more comfortable around each other. We had seen the scars, seen the cuts, but neither would ask about them. We both didn't mind silences and as we both didn't talk too much, there were a lot of those.

Roxas tried to make sure that he didn't touch me, as he had figured out the first day that I didn't like to be touched. A strange thing, if you think about the amount of sexual partners I've had.

He soon figured out that I didn't really care about food. He tried to make sure I'd eat something during the day, even though I told him I wasn't hungry and that he should eat his own food instead of sharing it with me. At some point he started bringing more food, so he'd have enough and I could have some too, even though I told him not to, he insisted I ate something.

When I asked him to stop visiting and delivering my homework when I was 'sick', he did so, but reluctantly. He was a suspicious guy, and didn't take my bullshit explanations as to why I was sick so often, or why I'd come to school limping. But, cautious as he was, he didn't ask about it either, something I was thankful for. Demyx looked after him whenever I was absent and told me that Roxas wouldn't leave him alone when I wasn't at school.

In art class we both found refuge. It helped us deal with everyday life, with our inner struggles and our silent war with ourselves. We got to know each other better through art, our art showed the same emotions, always in the shade of our selfhate. A lot of similar things, a lot of familiarity. I thought we'd talk about it sometime, months, maybe years from that moment, explaining it in words instead of images. At that moment, knowing Roxas understood and accepted me the way I was was enough. More than enough.

At some point I think it's safe for me to say that I got to know Roxas quite well. I learned that his silences meant a lot more than his words, I learned to distinguish between his kind of silences, the sad one, the angry one, the one where he wanted to be left alone... I learned to read his body language fairly well, and found out how to deal with every kind of silence.

The one thing that was the best teacher to reading Roxas were his eyes. Oh, those eyes... I drowned in them if I didn't look away soon enough, completely oblivious to the rest of the world. Depending on his mood, his eyes would change from almost black when he was depressed to a very light blue when he was happy. More often than not, it was a dark to black blue, his 'usual' state of mind, I'd say.

As Roxas was so careful around me, trying his best not to touch me, I think I shocked him quite badly when I hugged him when he was having a rather bad day. His eyes had been pretty much jet black all day, not lightening the slightest, while they lightened a bit when Sora came around, usually. That day was an exception to every other day we'd had so far, Roxas had been in a mixture of a 'leave me alone' and a 'I want to crawl under a rock and die' silence all day. A mixture I hadn't seen yet, and one of which I wasn't very sure how to react to it. The hug was short, I squeezed him tight against me, trying to put all comfort I could muster in it. He was too shocked to actually move, and as I wanted to get away from the touch before it would get uncomfortable for me, it was just a short hug.

When I let go I gave him a genuine smile, trying to be as comforting as I could and trying my damn best to be the thing he needed at that moment. I knew he hadn't seen a genuine smile from me yet, as I don't show that very often. It's something I save for special moments like this. I wasn't even sure wether Riku and Zexion had ever seen a genuine smile from my side. Roxas, in turn surprised me with a real smile of his own, something I had never seen before. It made my insides turn to mush, to be honest with you.

Roxas, being the smart kid he is, knew that my bathroom trips were more often than not to punish myself. It's a really bad addiction, it's a hard to kill habit... what else is there to say? Roxas knew and tried to take care of me when I got back, but I really didn't want him to worry about me. I didn't deserve worry from anyone, in my eyes.

Whenever he went to the bathroom, I'd worry about him. He's one of the nicest guys I know and he just didn't deserve whatever was putting him through this form of selfdestruction. I'm not even sure wether he cut while at school in the first place, but didn't want to take the gamble he didn't, just in case he did.

One good thing came from the bathroom visits for both of us, though. We didn't want the other to worry about us, because in our own eyes, it wasn't necessary. It was a way of having control over ourselves, something that lacked in every other aspect of ourself. But, knowing the other worried made us feel guilty and it helped us to gradually kill the habit. It took Roxas quite a bit less time than me, but didn't really surprise me.

I guess we both helped each other get through school days. Just the thought someone understood our pain helped us cope with that pain. It saved us from ourselves, and made the world seem a bit less scary and harsh.

Soon, Christmas break was about to come around. My parents had informed me that they would be gone for the whole two weeks the break lasted, leaving me to take care of the house and of myself. Though, to them, the latter wasn't very important. As long as the house was still standing and clean when they got back, they would be satisfied.

One day at lunch, the inevitable subject of our plans for the break was the center of the conversation. I didn't have any plans, never made any for any school break. When Sora asked me what I was doing for the two weeks, I told him my parents were gone and that I had no idea what I'd be doing. Sora, being the dense kid he is, decided that spending Christmas alone was not-done, so he invited me over to their house for at least the Christmas days. Right after, he decided that being alone for two whole weeks intorable as well, so he decided that I would spend those two weeks at their house. Once Sora's made up his mind, there was no way of changing it.

After hearing that, I looked over at Roxas, who seemed not very surprised at Sora's outburst, and seemed a bit happy that he could look after me when we were not at school. He gave me a small smile, then a questioning look, which meant something along the lines of 'I approve, what do you think?'. I was still a bit too flabbergasted to form any words in response and Sora took that as a yes.

I was only hoping it would be alright. I knew myself longer than today. I know I hardly sleep, and when I do I wake up screaming because of nightmares half of the time. Then there was another something: according to Sora, their older brother Cloud could be quite protective... that might be a problem. Also, I know I had been trying to get rid of the cutting habit, but that I didn't cut at school didn't mean I didn't cut at home... those two weeks would be hard and I doubted that I would be able to stay for the two full weeks...