ACT TWO:
8 – EXT. CAMERON & MITCHELL HOUSE – BACKYARD - DAY
Mitchell is exiting back door with briefcase, while Cameron talks to Manuel. Construction crew hover by truck.
CAMERON
(to Manuel, lots of hand flourishes)
Porter los floor-os aqui.
MITCHELL
(dialing cell)
I have to go. I'll call Gloria to
come sort this out.
Cameron is busy talking to Manuel and doesn't respond.
CAMERON
(to Manuel)
And paint-o los railings agua.
MANUEL
Agua?
CAMERON (pleased to be understood)
Arriba.
MITCHELL (on cell)
"Gloria! Picante, er, perque, no,
please! Can you come over? It's a
Spanish emergency!?"
9 – INT. – JAY AND GLORIA'S HOUSE – BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Gloria's in the bedroom, on the phone with Mitchell. Jay enters the bedroom.
GLORIA
(INTO PHONE) A Spanish emergency?
JAY
Gloria! I just got the call. I won!
GLORIA
(still on cell)
Yay, Jay! You got the CLAP!
MITCHELL (confused)
Dad has the clap?
GLORIA
I'll tell you more when I get there. Ciao!
10 – JAY & GLORIA INTERVIEW - COUCH
GLORIA
I would love Jay even if he
was a failure.
JAY
Be glad you don't have to choose.
GLORIA
I loved my first husband. He wasn't
always successful. But he was always
passionate.
Jay looks at camera.
GLORIA
I remember, he designed a reusable
piñata.
JAY
Isn't that the point of a piñata
- to break?
GLORIA
Yes, of course, but these were
made of wood.
Jay looks at the camera.
GLORIA
We had a lot of leftover piñatas
that year at Manny's birthday.
And the village doctor was so
busy with the – how do you say it…
Gloria gestures at her arm and knocks on it.
JAY
Fractures?
GLORIA
Yes all of the fractures of
the arms.
11 – INT. – TEACHER'S OFFICE - DAY
Claire and Phil are sitting in classroom, waiting for Haley's social studies teacher. Phil eats cereal out of a plastic bag.
PHIL
This is great! Why don't
people eat this all the time?
CLAIRE
Couldn't you have had a proper
lunch?
PHIL
It has dried blueberries and
strawberries. It's like
astronaut food!
Mr. Haven enters the room. Phil continues to cheerfully eat his cereal. Claire elbows him.
CLAIRE (sotto)
Stop!
MR. HAVEN
(proffering handshake)
Hello, I'm Mr. Haven.
Social Studies. Thank you
for coming.
Mr Haven reviews documents on his desk.
MR HAVEN (cont'd)
So, Jonathan is doing incredibly
well this year….
CLAIRE
(interrupting)
We're Haley's parents.
MR. HAVEN
(look of distaste crosses face)
Oh. Haley. Dunphy. The one
that's always talking in class…
Phil throws more cereal in mouth. Crunching noises. Claire elbows him again. Mr. Haven finds new documents.
MR. HAVEN
(looking at documents)
Haley is not doing incredibly
well. Not at all. She has failed
to complete her social studies
project.
CLAIRE (surprised)
Haley didn't tell us this!
PHIL
So Haley was being social instead
of social studying.
Claire is annoyed by his joke.
MR. HAVEN (dryly)
That is not funny, Mr Dunphy.
But it is true. She spends her time
talking, even texting on her
cell phone, when she should be
doing her project.
PHIL
She's texting not reading her text.
Only Phil laughs. Claire grows more mortified. Phil sneaks more cereal.
CLAIRE (cont'd)
But she can't fail! She needs
good marks for college.
PHIL (nodding in agreement)
Yes, first you get to college,
Then you "get social"!
Uncomfortable silence in the room as Claire and Mr. Haven stare silently at Phil.
MR. HAVEN
I agree. She's a good -
(hesitates, looking at documents)
MR. HAVEN
- she's an okay student. If
Haley finishes her project
this week, then I can improve
the mark.
He considers Claire and Phil.
MR. HAVEN (cont'd)
Do you think you can make that happen?
Claire nods yes. Phil crunches quietly.
12 – EXT. – CAMERON & MITCHELL`S HOUSE – BACKYARD - DAY
Gloria arrives at Cameron's and is on the cell with Mitchell. INTERCUT WITH: Mitchell, on the phone in his office.
GLORIA (in cell)
Yes, yes, I am here.
MITCHELL
Stay on the phone. I want to
know what happens!
CAMERON (visibly relieved)
Gloria! Over here!
Gloria waves to Cameron. Walks toward him, still on cell.
GLORIA
I can handle this, Mitchell.
MITCHELL
Don't hang up. I'll just listen.
CAMERON
Hola, Gloria. This is Manuel.
Manuel, esta mia mama, Gloria.
Manuel shakes Gloria's hand.
MANUEL (disbelieving)
Mama?
GLORIA
(In Spanish, w/ sub-titles)
No no! Mother-in-law!
CAMERON
You two must have a lot in
common. You're both Spanish!
Mitchell snorts on phone. Gloria smiles politely.
MITCHELL
Repeat everything exactly as Cam
says so that Manuel fully understands.
GLORIA
(turning away to talk into cell)
You're not trusting me?
MITCHELL
Just don't add any of your own
opinions in Spanish.
13 - INTERVIEW – MITCHELL – CHAIR IN LIVING ROOM
MITCHELL
Gloria showed us pictures
of her favourite backyard in
Colombia. The flowers were to die for.
Exquisite taste. But she wanted us to get
life-size statues of the great saints.
(beat) I'm not against organized
religion I just don't want Our Lady of
Guadalupe watching me drink Margaritas
in my own back yard.
14 – EXT. – CAMERON & MITCHELL`S HOUSE – BACKYARD – DAY
As before.
CAMERON
I love the Latin culture. It's so
warm and loving.
Gloria translates and she and Manuel both smile in agreement.
CAMERON (cont'd)
Both countries are so beautiful.
And Cabo! Stunning!
Gloria continues to translate. Manuel is pleased by the compliment.
CAMERON (cont'd)
It's so terrible, all the drug wars
in Mexico. Is it safe to go there?
MITCHELL
Why is Cam asking about drugs?
Gloria ignores Mitchell. Gloria repeats but this upsets Manuel.
MANUEL (In Spanish, with sub-titles)
Americans know nothing about
my country. They are making up
lies about the drugs and the guns!
Gloria does not translate.
MITCHELL
Gloria, what`s happening?!
GLORIA (into phone)
Nothing, Mitchell. It's just a
little thing about the cartels.
MITCHELL (confused)
Cartels!?
MANUEL (In Spanish, with sub-titles)
Mexico will never be as bad as
Colombia!
GLORIA (In Spanish, with sub-titles)
Do not insult my country! This whole
Colombia drug thing is blown out of
proportion. Mexico could never be as
beautiful.
MITCHELL
What`s happening? Gloria?!
The crew move up behind Manuel. Cameron is increasingly more distraught.
CAMERON
(TRYING TO CALM SITUATION)
Would anyone like a drink?
Margarita? I have fresh mint.
MANUEL (In Spanish, with sub-titles)
(IGNORING CAMERON)
Mexico is far more beautiful than
Colombia! And talented. We invented
Mariachi! We invented the Caesar
salad!
CAMERON
Sangria?
MITCHELL
Gloria! Please talk to me!
Gloria ignores Cameron's offer, and Mitchell's plaintive cries from cell.
GLORIA (In Spanish, with sub-titles)
We invented beauty queens!
And Ugly Betty! And ..and … Colombian
coffee!
CAMERON
Mojito?
Mitchell's head slumps to his desk.
15 – EXT. – DUNPHY LAWN - DAY
Claire and Phil are awaiting Haley, Alex and Luke outside on the porch/lawn. Claire and Phil are clearly upset as they arrive.
CLAIRE
Alex, Luke, please go inside.
We want to talk to Haley.
ALEX
Can`t I stay? I want to hear!
CLAIRE
Alex, please! Just go inside.
Alex and Luke reluctantly go inside.
CLAIRE
We met with Mr. Haven today.
HALEY
That man hates me.
PHIL
(MUNCHING CEREAL)
I had that feeling too!
Claire gives him a stare. Phil munches on, oblivious.
CLAIRE
He said you didn't hand in your
project.
HALEY
I've been so busy! That shoe
store only had a sale this weekend.
And... homework. I've been
busy with homework.
CLAIRE
School has to come first. Mr. Haven
gave you an extension, until Friday.
We're grounding you until the project
is complete.
HALEY
But I have my end of term party this week!
CLAIRE
Not anymore. And we're taking away
your cell phone.
HALEY
My cell phone!?
PHIL (agreeing)
Yes, little lady. You can't go
anywhere or talk to anyone until
this project is done.
CLAIRE
She still has to go to school, Phil.
PHIL
Okay, yes, school is still okay.
Or the library. Or, uh, the
car on the way to and from
school or the library …
you know what? There are
lots of places you could be.
It won't be so bad! … (OFF CLAIRE'S LOOK)
Yes it will. Upstairs, young lady.
As Phil talks, Jay pulls in the laneway.
CLAIRE
I forgot. Dad's here. I told
him I'd help with some speech.
PHIL
Speech? What for?
CLAIRE
He won some California achievement
award.
PHIL (excitedly)
He got the CLAP this year!?
HALEY
I can recommend a clinic for him.
CLAIRE
You better not know a clinic!
HALEY
I'm not the one with the clap!
A sullen Haley goes inside house as Jay approaches.
PHIL
(SHAKING JAY'S HAND)
Congratulations! Claire
told me you got the CLAP!
JAY (irritated)
California Lifetime Achievement
Prize. Yeah.
PHIL
That's great! I'll leave you
to it. Unless you need my
speechwriting expertise?
PHIL (cont'd)
No? I've still got some fresh
jokes I've been saving!
JAY
Like that hilarious 'you got the
CLAP' joke? We'll call you if we
need you.
PHIL (awkwardly)
Well, I'll just go inside.
Maybe get a snack. See ya!
16 – INT. – DUNPHY HOUSE – HALEY'S ROOM - DAY
Phil checks in on Haley in her bedroom. She is on the computer.
PHIL
Hey, I thought we said no electronics!
HALEY
Dad, how can I research my
project if I can't use the
Internet?
PHIL
(READING THE GOOGLE RESULTS PAGE)
Okay. I'll let you use it but
I need to monitor this. Make sure
you're not downloading music
instead of reading about – what is
it you're researching?
HALEY
The history of the seeing eye dog.
PHIL
The working canine, eh? That
sounds intriguing.
Phil grabs mouse, Haley grabs it back.
PHIL (cont'd)
I'm going to need to drive this one
Haley. Resistance is futile.
Haley gives up mouse. Phil starts to explore.
PHIL
Check this out, Haley. There's
75 million results for your topic!
Let's get this puppy started!
Phil SEES Jay out the window.
PHIL
(sotto)
That man is passing up a
speechwriting goldmine.
17 - INT. - DUNPHY LIVING ROOM - DAY
Jay and Claire are sitting together in the living room.
CLAIRE
This sounds pretty simple, Dad. Tell
everyone you've had a great ride, you
love what you're doing, thanks for the
CLAP and Salute!
Claire raises imaginary glass in toast.
JAY
Claire, that's not enough.
I need to wow them. Just like
Barney Goldman did three years
ago.
CLAIRE
Barney Goldman? I remember – that
speech was great! Remember the part
about how he saved all those orphans -
JAY
Look, I'm a better businessman
than Goldman. And I did it without any
money from my Dad – he had plenty!
Plus, I keep people employed here,
while he goes offshore. "Orphans",
my ass…
CLAIRE
You could thank your family too,
Dad. We went through a lot to
support you.
JAY
I didn't see you at the factory
every day, Claire.
CLAIRE
So you think you did it alone, Dad?
Your family didn't contribute to your
success?
JAY
I had a family because I was
successful and could afford to
support you. Figure skating
lessons weren't cheap!
CLAIRE (exasperated)
Then I'm sure you'll be fine doing
this alone too, Dad. I have a
family
to see to.
Claire leaves room. Jay throws up arms in frustration.
18 - INT. – DUNPHY HOUSE – HALEY'S ROOM - DAY
Phil is busy watching YouTube videos. Sounds of dogs barking to music. Haley is in the window, texting.
PHIL (staring at computer)
You're not going to believe this!
These dogs can talk!
Haley ignores him. She is busy texting. Outside the window, WE SEE Dylan in the back yard. He texts back. Phil is laughing in the background.
PHIL (cont'd)
Haley! Watch this!
Claire walks in. Both Haley and Phil look at her in stunned fear.
END OF ACT TWO