ACT THREE
19 – INT. – DUNPHY HOUSE – HALEY'S ROOM - DAY
Claire is in doorway. She surveys the room.
CLAIRE
Phil, can you explain what's going
on here?
Phil stands up and tries to cover his YouTube results page by blocking the screen. In the background a video starts of a dog barking out what sounds like: "I love you". Phil hits the pause button.
CLAIRE
Haley, did I not just ban your
cell phone?
HALEY
I was only calling Jenny! She got
an A on her project!
CLAIRE
Phil, why are you on Haley's computer?
PHIL
Remember, we banned electronics?
Well, she needed to use the Internet
to research guide dogs.
Phil, nervous, knocks over nearby cereal box which spills over keyboard. Scrambles around, trying to clean it up as he talks.
PHIL (cont'd)
I was...helping...
CLAIRE
Haley, this is really important.
You need good marks to get into
college.
Phil is listening, nodding in agreement.
HALEY
It's always about college for you!
You went to college Mom. Then you had
kids. Quit your job. Do you think
you're a success?
PHIL
Hey, that's no way to talk
to your mom. She has a job. She
works for us now!
Claire and Haley roll their eyes at Phil.
20 – INTERVIEW - CLAIRE – COUCH
CLAIRE
It's true. I did quit my job when
I had kids. But that doesn't mean
my life is over.
Pause, considering.
CLAIRE (cont'd)
My life is not over.
College is about opportunities.
And expanding your mind. I mean,
not with "chemicals" expanding your
mind - I mean, with knowledge –
expanding your mind with knowledge.
Haley knows that. She'll be glad
I pushed her to go to college.
I know it.
21 – INTERVIEW - HALEY – COUCH
HALEY
Of course I'm going to college.
I can't wait to get away from this
house. At 18, I'm gone. Sooner if
I could!
22 - INT. – JAY & GLORIA HOUSE – JAY'S OFFICE - DAY
Jay is sitting at desk in his office. He is trying to write his speech.
JAY
Maybe I open with a joke. Hey,
did you hear the one about the
guy at the Pearly Gates who couldn't
remember his wife's name?
Jay crumples it up.
JAY (cont'd)
That's how he got there.
Bad joke. Okay. As a boy I dreamed
of being here on the stage…Nope…
Jay crumples paper. Throws in pile on floor.
JAY (cont'd)
What about: did you hear the one
about Barney Goldman at the
Pearly Gates...
He crumples that paper and tosses it in on the pile. He thinks for a minute, then grabs it back again, looks at it and throws it back in.
JAY (cont'd)
If there is a God in heaven,
he won't let Goldman in!
23 – INT. – DUNPHY HOUSE – HALEY'S BEDROOM - DAY
Claire is sitting on the bed, watching Haley type on her computer with one finger. Haley's phone rings, and Claire answers it.
CLAIRE
Dylan, hi! No, Haley's not
available right now… Dylan, I…
hold it.
Claire goes to the window, opens it.
CLAIRE
Dylan! Is that you?
Dylan jumps down from the trampoline where he's on the phone, waiting for Haley.
DYLAN
Hello, Mrs Dunphy!
CLAIRE
Dylan, go home. Haley is going to
be busy for a while.
DYLAN
Okay Mrs Dunphy!
Dylan stays where he is.
CLAIRE
Really, Dylan. Go home.
Dylan nods his head but still doesn't make a move to leave.
CLAIRE
(to Haley)
Finish your project, before Dylan
dies of cold and starvation,
waiting for you.
24 – EXT. – CAMERON & MITCHELL'S HOUSE – BACKYARD - DAY
Mitchell has now arrived back home to help. Gloria and Cam are on the steps. The crew is huddled by their trailer.
MITCHELL
Cam, why is it every time
I leave you alone with the Spanish
it goes badly?
CAMERON
Don't you think that's a little
condescending, Mitchell? Okay, there was
that ONE TIME in Tijuana. But as
I recall, it was your idea to
rent the donkey.
MITCHELL
And Gloria, I asked you to help,
not turn this into the Spanish
Civil War.
CAMERON
Mitchell, calm down. We were just
trying to be polite with Manuel and
we hit a nerve.
GLORIA
These people think they are
descended from the Aztecs.
The people who think human
sacrifice on top of
a pyramid is a good idea? Do you
think human sacrifice is a good idea,
Mitchell?
MITCHELL
Will it get the patio done
sooner? (BEAT) Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm just really busy right now.
GLORIA
I understand, Mitchell. I got a
little emotional. Maybe I added a
little bit to what Cam was saying.
But don't worry, I can work it out.
A gardening truck with trailer arrives. Parks behind the Construccion Azteca trailer. Gardener jumps out of his truck,
GARDENER (to Manuel)
Hola!
Gardener talks rapidly in Spanish. Gloria listens to their conversation.
GLORIA (to Cameron and Mitchell)
Your gardener is Manuel's cousin?
Gardener continues excitedly in Spanish. Gloria translates.
GLORIA
He's telling Manuel about how you
helped him get married, Cameron!
He thinks you're a hero!
CAMERON (pleased)
A hero?
Manuel stops being angry. He is smiling and comes up to Cameron and Mitchell and kisses them on the cheek.
MANUEL
My apologies! I did not know you
were the famous Camerone! Please, let's
get started on this patio!
CAMERON
(shocked, to Mitchell)
He speaks English like he's from
Encino!
MITCHELL
(holding Cameron back from responding)
Let it go. We need this patio done.
CAMERON
(SIGH) Fine.
(to gardener)
Gracias! Please, take the day off!
With pay!
GARDENER
No problem! I will work with my
cousin Manuel to get the patio
done!
MANUEL (to Gloria)
Perhaps, if you are free later
I could take you for tapas?
GLORIA
Gracias, Manuel, but I -
MITCHELL (interrupting)
Gloria, why don't you take some
time to think about that – let
Manuel know later?
GLORIA
Sure. I will think about your offer
while you get started on this patio...
CAMERON
(picks up shovel)
Andalay! Andalay!
25 – EXT. – DUNPHY CAR – NIGHT
The Dunphy family members are driving to Jay's awards ceremony.
CLAIRE
Haley, I'm so proud you finished
your project on time. See? Homework
isn't so bad!
Haley rolls her eyes at Claire. Suddenly covers her nose.
HALEY
Who is stinking up the car?
Luke?
LUKE
It wasn't me!
ALEX
It's disgusting!
LUKE (upset)
It's not me! Well, not THIS time!
PHIL
Kids! Stop!
Phil rolls down window.
CLAIRE
(touches Phil's forehead)
Phil, you're all hot and sweaty.
Are you okay?
PHIL
No. Something's wrong. I have cramps.
I'm bloated. And (GUILTILY) yes,
it was me.
CLAIRE
Too much dried fruit in your diet?
Phil's face distorts.
PHIL (disbelieving)
The astronaut cereal?
26 – INT. – HOTEL – AWARDS CEREMONY - TABLE
Dunphys join the rest of the family, who are already seated at the table. Ad lib hugs, hellos, congratulations for Jay.
HALEY (hugging Jay)
Congratulations Grampa.
Haley turns back to her cell phone.
JAY
Got your cell back? I'm proud.
You must have finished your
project.
HALEY
Yes, just finished. I'm still going
through texts I missed this week.
CLAIRE (to Jay)
And I'm the evil mother who
forced her not to talk to friends.
Claire hugs Jay.
CLAIRE (cont'd)
I hope your speech is ready?
JAY
Of course it is. Show's about
to start. I am gonna go see a man
about a horse while I still have time.
Jay walks off.
LUKE (to Alex, excitedly)
Grampa is getting a horse!
Alex just rolls her eyes and turns away from Luke. Phil sits at the table; he is doubled over and holding his stomach.
CLAIRE (to Gloria)
Where's Manny?
GLORIA
He went to tour the display for
the other winners.
CLAIRE
The Wall of CLAP?
They both laugh.
27 – INT. – HOTEL – AWARDS CEREMONY - MEN'S ROOM
Jay enters the bathroom and comes face to face with his business competitor, Barney Goldman.
BARNEY
Jay, you old dog. It's been a
while. How you keeping?
JAY (teasing)
Hey Barney, I thought you were in
jail. Or dead.
BARNEY
Ha! You wish! I'll never die
as long as my speech lives, Jay.
Wasn't it something?
JAY
I forgot you even won.
BARNEY
Yeah. Right. Did you notice I'm the
biggest photo out in the display?
JAY
Tonight's my night. I intend to enjoy
it. So, you retired yet?
BARNEY
Never. I just got back from three
weeks in Shanghai. Business is
booming there. And the ladies love me.
JAY
Ladies? You not with Susan anymore?
BARNEY
Susan's long gone. With the kids,
the house. But not the money.
He winks at Jay.
BARNEY (cont'd)
May explain why they hate me.
JAY
Nice. So you're not leaving anybody
behind when you go on your long
business trips.
BARNEY
Oh, I'm remarried. Cindy - ah
(THINKING)- SANDY!
JAY
Congratulations then. Must be,
what, your fourth wife?
BARNEY
If you don't count the two in
Vegas!
JAY
I'm sure the pre-nups help.
BARNEY
You got it. Anyway, gotta go.
Can't miss the big event.
They're going to show some of the
highlights from my speech!
Barney leaves bathroom. Jay stands moodily at bathroom sink, looking in mirror. Stall door opens and Manny exits.
JAY (surprised)
You been eavesdropping, Manny?
You could have said something.
Manny walks to sink to wash his hands.
MANNY
I prefer to conduct my business in private.
JAY
I'm sure crapping into a hole in the
ground in Colombia is definitely more
private.
MANNY
I've never understood the practice
of relieving oneself so publicly at
the urinal.
JAY
That's what men do. You pee
side-by-side. Mano-a-mano.
No fear.
MANNY (in a serious tone)
Jay, I heard Mr. Goldman. He has no
honour. He will die a very lonely
man.
JAY
A rich lonely man.
MANNY
I heard him, Jay, and you shouldn't
let him intimidate you.
JAY (defensive)
He did not intimidate me.
MANNY
You are the better man, Jay. And I
want to be like you.
Manny hugs him around his waist. A stranger walks in and Jay tries to separate himself from Manny – but Manny holds on. Jay gives up, waves the stranger past.
28 – INT. – HOTEL – AWARDS CEREMONY - TABLE
Jay and Manny sit at the table. Jay sees Barney at another table, beside a woman even younger than Gloria. Jay puts his arm around Gloria on one side and Manny on the other, and looks around the table at his family.
EVENT M.C.
Let's have a big clap for this year's
winner of this year's California
Leadership Achievement Prize – our newest
CLAP member: Jay Pritchett!
Everyone stands and applauds. Jay walks to the podium.
29 – INT. – HOTEL – AWARDS CEREMONY - STAGE
Jay accepts the trophy and stands at the podium. He takes out a piece of paper.
JAY
(READING) So this guy, we'll
call him Bernie, is at the
Pearly Gates...
Jay stops, and sees Manny in the crowd. He pauses, and crumples up the speech.
JAY (CONT'D)
(SIGHS) I had a speech prepared for
tonight, but winning has made me realize
a few things. The award means a lot.
After all, I have achieved a lot.
ANGLE ON: CLAIRE AND PHIL
CLAIRE
(quietly to Phil)
Alone apparently.
Phil is verging on collapse, sweating, holding his tummy. Burps.
BACK TO JAY
JAY
But I could never have done all
of that without the family support
and love that I have always been
so lucky to have. My family is the
most important thing that I have
built in the last 35 years. A
successful businessman has both a
great company and a great family.
This is for my family!
Jay holds his trophy aloft and points to table with his family.
ANGLE ON: DUNPHY FAMILY TABLE
As everyone stands to applaud Jay's speech, Phil throws up. Haley, who is sitting next to him, gets hit with splatter and – shocked - drops her cell into the mess on the floor.
HALEY
Dad! How could you! I still have
68 texts to read!
Everyone is yelling and jumping away from the table. Claire scrambles for a napkin to hand to Phil.
CLAIRE
Are you okay, honey? Do we need to
get you to the bathroom?
HALEY
Mom! My cell phone – it's in there.
Haley points to the floor, where cell has fallen into vomit. All nearby guests are horrified. Ad lib reactions of horror, disgust, etc from surrounding tables.
CLAIRE
Just calm down, Haley. Can you help
your dad?
Haley doesn't move to help Phil.
CLAIRE (cont'd, exasperated)
Get some more napkins! I'll get
the phone.
CLAIRE grabs another napkin and – squeamishly – pulls the cell phone out of the mess. She hands it to Haley.
HALEY (mortified)
Mom! This is the worst week
of my life!
Phil throws up again.
CAMERON (looking at vomit)
Ooh, cancel the cocoa rococo.
LUKE (laughing)
This is so gross!
BACK TO JAY
JAY
My family. Couldn't be prouder.
Tag
30 – EXT. – PARKING LOT – NIGHT
All three families are walking together to the cars in the parking lot after the award ceremony.
CLAIRE
I'm proud of you, Dad. That was
a great speech.
JAY
Well, I did a lot of thinking,
Claire. And it was the right speech
to give.
GLORIA
It came from your heart, Jay!
Barney Goldman is walking with his wife to their car. Calls out to Jay across parking lot.
BARNEY
Hey, Jay! It was a helluva speech.
They'll be bringing it up for years.
"Bringing it up", geddit, Sandy?
BARNEY'S WIFE
Candy.
BARNEY
(SNAPS FINGERS) Candy!
Goldman laughs as he jumps into his expensive sports car. His wife lets herself in on other side. Jay shakes his head and holds the car door for Gloria.
MANNY
Don't let him get to you, Jay.
JAY (patting Manny's back)
OK hombre.
CLAIRE
(Suddenly realizing Phil's not with them.)
Where's Phil?
MITCHELL
I thought he was with you.
They all start to look around. Claire runs back to the hotel.
30 – INT. – HOTEL – BATHROOM
Phil is alone in the hotel bathroom. He leans against the counter and wipes his face with a cloth.
PHIL
How do the astronauts do it?
FADE TO BLACK
END OF SHOW