I heard a knock on my bathroom door, and knew that it couldn't be anyone else than J.J. I told her to come in, and she opened the door. She was still wearing the dress, but her hair was up in a bun and she was barefoot. She still looked just as beautiful as she had in the church.
She sat down on my bed, and looked at me where I sat at my desk.
When she didn't say anything, I decided to say something.
"What did the marine give you?"
She hadn't said anything about it, and I wanted to know.
"Dad's uniforms. He had a few on the base. And he also gave me an award that was dedicated to Dad. He was given a bronze star for what he did in Iraq. They just never had the chance to give it to him, so they gave it to me. He also received a Purple Heart."
She looked sad, but I could see that she was proud of him. And she had all the right to be.
She took a breath before she bit her lip.
"I'm sorry I haven't talked to you anything during these weeks. I haven't talked much to anyone, but I had a few things to think about."
She didn't have to apologize to me. At least she was talking again. That's what mattered.
"Like what?"
"Dad changed his will. If Mom would have been alive, she would have received everything. Almost, at least. A little would have gone to his parents, and some would have gone into a college fund for me and Julia. But he changed it, and gave me everything. Everything he's ever own. His money, his piano, his everything. He might have been a marine, but he had money stashed away. I don't know how much yet, but I have a meeting with his lawyer in a week and I'll receive everything then."
I could see that she had been thinking about something else, but just that was a lot to think about.
"You've been thinking about something else."
"Am I that easy to read?" she asked and I chuckled.
"No. I just know you," I answered her as I moved and took a seat on the bed opposite to her.
She sighed, and then took a deep breath. She didn't meet my eyes as she spoke.
"Close your eyes."
"Why?" I wondered, and she met my eyes. Hers were hard to read.
"Just do it," she told me and I sighed but closed them.
"Listen to what I say, but don't say anything, okay?"
"Okay," I promised.
"Good. I told you I would think about our kiss, and what you told me, and I have."
She made me nervous. She told me she had been thinking about it, and she wouldn't unless she was ready to give me an answer. I just wasn't sure I wanted to hear it.
I also don't know why she told me to close my eyes, but I figured that maybe it would be harder for her to tell me if I looked at her.
She didn't say anything for a short moment, but I sensed that she had a lot more to say. So I waited, pretending to be patient.
"I don't know exactly what I feel about you, but I know something."
"What?" I asked, ignoring her order to be quiet.
She didn't answer me. At least not in words.
It took a few seconds, but then I felt her lips linger against mine. I didn't react at first, because I didn't realize that she kissed me. But when I did, I raised my hand to cup her face and I kissed her back.
I was kissing J.J. She kissed me. She was on my bed, and she was kissing me. It was hard to understand, but I tried. I had never thought that this would happen.
The realization of kissing her, and of how good it was, made me deepen the kiss. I didn't want to kiss her too roughly, but it was hard. And she didn't seem to object to how hard my lips were against hers. She even wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me closer. Almost like with its free will, my right hand left my lap and slid over her dress and to her back. I pulled her even closer, but not close enough for her to fall over me. She knew I couldn't pull her closer, so she straddled me and I could pull her closer again. She even took the initiative to make the kiss even deeper. Her tongue slid over my lower lip, and I opened my mouth to let her in. I couldn't keep the moan inside of me as I felt our tongues together. And neither could she.
Her hands moved from behind my neck, and as one gripped my hair the other one ran down my arm and to my side. Her hand came down under my t-shirt and I shivered as I felt her warm hand against my skin.
Her touch, and kiss, did more to my body than I really wanted. And with her straddling me, and being so close, I knew she had to be aware of the hard-on she had given me after just a few moments of kissing.
I knew we shouldn't continue forward with this, but I couldn't stop myself when I found the zipper of her dress and I pulled it down.
I had never had a hard time controlling myself when it got to this kind of stuff, but man, it was hard with J.J. She was driving me crazy.
"Dean!" I heard a voice call then, and we broke the kiss at the same time. My eyes flew open and I found J.J's open as well. Her face was flustered, and she was trying to catch her breath.
Then we heard the voice again, and I recognized it as Keith's. And he was getting closer.
J.J flew off me and ran into her room, closing the bathroom door on her way. I quickly got a pillow to place in my lap and turned on the TV. A few seconds later there was a knock on the door, and Keith opened the door.
"Liam's at the door."
"Tell him I'll call him later," I said, wishing for Keith to just go away. I had a situation going on, and him being here was… not good.
"It's dinner in fifteen minutes," he stated and then closed the door. Thank god. I removed the pillow from my lap and walked into the bathroom, locking the door from J.J's way. It would be awkward if she walked in right now.
I tossed my clothes on the floor and stepped in under the warm water. I could have just taken a cold shower, but I wanted to enjoy J.J's kiss a while longer.
I didn't know if it had been a one-time occurrence, or if she ever would kiss me again. I mean, she might be in her room right now regretting it.
I didn't let myself think that far. Instead I prolonged the moment of our kiss, the way she had touched me, they way she had felt when being so close to me…
I stayed in the shower a few moments longer, trying to catch my breath, before I turned the water off and got dressed. I ran down the stairs, and noticed that I was a little late.
All three of them were already at the table, and J.J watched me as I entered the room. I could see her noticing my damp hair, and new clothes, and I knew that she knew. She knew what I had just done in the shower, and she probably knew I had imagined her, and what we had done just twenty minutes ago.
—-
"Should we talk about what happened?" I asked as I closed my bedroom door after us.
"I don't think I gave you the best answer," she answered me and took place on a chair.
"What answer did you want to give me?"
"I'm confused. I thought I didn't know how I felt about you, and now I'm even more unsure. I liked the kiss, it was great. Fantastic, even. I liked what I obviously did to you. But I'm confused. I didn't want to let go, and instead of relief I felt annoyance when we heard Keith's voice."
"What are you saying?" She didn't make sense, and I think she saw that as well. I think she just didn't know how to express herself properly. And it was a little bit humiliating that she brought up my… situation.
"I don't love you, but I think I might if we give it time. If you want, I want to try."
"Try with what?" I asked, although I knew what she meant. I just needed her to say it.
I didn't show her how happy I was though. I didn't like hearing that she didn't love me, but she gave me some hope when she said she could if we just gave it time. And I could give us all the time she wanted, as long as we tried.
"Us."
"Like… making out? And stuff like that?" I teased, and she chuckled.
"God, you're such a guy," she shook her head and rolled her eyes. I walked up to her, and she had to look up to meet my eyes. I cradled her cheek, and she put her fingers over my lips before I was about to kiss her.
"We should take it slow," she murmured, removing her fingers.
I placed a chaste kiss on her lips, and she kissed me back.
"I know, so we should watch a movie."
"A movie?" she asked as I straightened up again and nodded.
She shoved me away to get up, and walked into her room.
"You fix the popcorn," she called over her shoulder and I chuckled.
We didn't have any popcorn at home, so I had to run out and get it. I didn't care, because it didn't take long and I got some other stuff as well. I got a bag of popcorn, of course, and a bag of Lay's chips. I also got a big bottle of coke, and a few candy bars before I went back home.
I put the popcorn in the microwave, found a bowl and then poured the finished popcorn in it. I got two glasses, put the candy in my pockets and held the bag of chips with my teeth. Then I carried the glasses and the bowl of popcorn in my hands, as I clasped the bottle between my arm and my side.
I knocked on her bedroom door with my foot, and she told me to come in. I knocked again, because I couldn't manage to open the door with everything in my hands.
I heard movements on the other side, and J.J opened the door. She laughed as she saw me. She had also changed clothes from the dress to her sleeping clothes. So she was wearing a black, oversized t-shirt and her white, long legged pajama pants. I had seen her like this more times than I could count.
"How much are you planning to eat?" She took the bag from my mouth, and I answered her.
"Shut up, you know you want it."
With another chuckle she walked to the couch in her room and sat down. That's the only reason we watched the movie in her room – she had a couch. All I had was the bed. And a desk and a chair.
I reached the bowl and glasses for her to take, which she did, and then I placed the bottle on the floor before I took out the candy bars.
She laughed again as she saw what I did, but she snatched some of them from me.
"What movie are we watching?" I asked as I sat down.
"Twilight," she answered, distracted with trying to get the DVD on. I stared at her with wide eyes. Was she seriously thinking I would watch that movie with her? And I thought she hated that movie!
"Are you frigging kidding me?"
She met my eyes, and shook her head. I was about to open my mouth again to argue, but she started to laugh.
Man, that wasn't funny.
I grabbed a handful of popcorn and threw them at her. She looked at me with surprised eyes, but then grabbed a hand of her own to throw at me. I ducked, but she still hit me with a few.
A moment later, all of the popcorn was on the floor or in the couch, instead of in the bowl.
"This is your fault," she said, pointing into the empty bowl.
"It's yours for lying to me," I stated, smiling. I found it fairly hard to stop smiling. "Now, what movie are we watching?"
"I hate you," she told me and turned to the TV. "Stop smiling."
I chuckled at her comment, and then turned to the TV as well. It was a comedy, which I think she needed to see right now. It was the day of her father's funeral, so she wasn't up to a drama or anything like that. She actually hated most comedies, but she seemed to like this one.
After about half of the movie, Mom knocked on the door and walked inside.
"Olivia's on the phone," she said. She knew J.J and I would watch a movie, so she knew where to find me.
I groaned internally and said, "I'm not home."
Mom nodded and left, and I turned to the TV again. I ignored J.J's expression. She didn't really know that Olivia had been 'stalking' me ever since I broke up with her.
But she didn't ask any questions, and we continued to watch the movie in silence. But the silence was comfortable, like it always was between us.
As the movie was over, so was everything I had bought for us to eat. I helped her clean up on the floor and in the couch, and then we walked down with everything.
I texted Liam to ask him what he had wanted, and he answered me with saying that there was a party he wanted me to come to. He was already there. I sort of wanted to, because Liam was sort of my best friend, but I wanted to be there for J.J. She wasmy best friend.
I heard J.J's phone vibrate, and she looked down into it. She looked troubled.
"What?"
"Jenna invited me to a party. She said that maybe it could get me thinking about other things."
"At Will's place?" I asked and she nodded. It didn't surprise me. Liam and Jenna were twins, so it didn't surprise me that they were at the same party.
"Liam invited me," I answered. "Are you going?"
"I don't know, are you?"
"I'll go if you go," I offered. That meant I could both go to the party, and be with J.J.
She was quiet for a moment, thinking it through before she finally nodded.
"Just let me get dressed," she said and walked up the stairs again. Fifteen minutes later, she was back downstairs. She was dressed in a pair of blue, skinny jeans, a black tank top and a beige, open cardigan. She put on her black converse, and then we were ready to go. I told Mom we were going to a party, and she didn't look happy. She looked more pleased when I told her we wouldn't be gone for a long time.
We had to walk for about twenty minutes before we reached Will's house, and I had my arm around her shoulder the entire time. She had her arm around my torso.
There was a silent agreement between the both of us not to show ourselves as the couple we sort of was, and as we reached the house we let go of each other.
We walked different ways, and I found Liam in the living room.
"Dean, man, where have you been?" he asked, clearly drunk already.
"I have better things to do than to be around you all the time."
"Have to told her how you feel yet, now when Vi's out of the way?" he asked, pointing at J.J. If he only knew…
"Shut up," I chuckled and shoved him lightly. He handed me a beer, and then we walked over to the other guys. The house was pretty much filled, but there was clearly more guys than chicks.
J.J was with some of them, and to the outside it looked like she enjoyed herself. But I knew that she wasn't. Not really. Even from where I was standing I could see a sadness in her eyes. A sadness that not even I could take away. Her eyes had held that sadness all day, even though she had laughed and smiled.
As Liam had found some girl to make out with, I moved away from him and walked up to J.J. She took my beer from me, and I knew it was bad because she didn't even like beer.
"You feel like getting away from here?" I whispered in her ear, and it surprised me that she heard me because of the music.
She nodded and put the beer on the table before she got up from the couch. Jenna looked at her, and asked if we were leaving. J.J nodded, and Jenna hugged her goodbye.
"Call me tomorrow, okay?"
"Yeah," J.J answered simply. Jenna was the closest friend J.J had at school, and she was the only one she would hang out with outside of school. Besides me.
As we were outside again, I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and pulled her to my side.
"You alright?"
"Headache," she answered simply. It wasn't that big of a surprise. This day had been long, hard and emotional for her. And the music in there couldn't help much.
When we were almost home, she changed the subject we were currently on.
"I'm not ready to tell everyone, since we're not official so to say, but maybe we should say something to your mom."
"You're serious," I stated.
"Yeah. She deserves to know that her son, and the girl who's been living under her roof for a year is dating."
"You're going to make me tell her," I stated again.
"You're her son," she said. What, so I had to tell her just because we were related by blood?
"I'll tell her tomorrow."
"Just make sure not to tell her when she's in a mad mood."
"I hate you." This time I said the words, and she chuckled.
As we came home, Mom and Keith had already went to bed. We had only been gone for a few hours, but it was enough for them to go to sleep.
I walked into my room as she walked into hers, and I changed clothes quickly. I left my t-shirt on but I changed my jeans to my pajama pants. I always just put them on before I went to sleep, but took them off before I lay down. They were uncomfortable to sleep in.
So I put them on and went to the bathroom where J.J were already brushing her teeth. She had changed her clothes as well.
I found my toothbrush and the toothpaste, and started to brush my teeth. She finished before me, and then washed off her make-up and put on some cream or something. She did that every night. Don't ask me why.
She bit her lip, and watched me.
"What?" I asked, my toothbrush still in my mouth. I finished before she answered me.
"I don't want to be alone," she murmured and I smiled at her. She didn't want to ask the question, so she phrased it like that. I turned the light off in my room, and then in the bathroom before I followed her into her room. I turned the light off there as well, but the lights from the street shone through and I was able to see her. Well, her silhouette at least.
I lay down beside her without pulling my pants off and then I faced her before I draped my arm over her torso. She pulled herself closer to me, and placed her hand against my chest. Then I felt her lips against mine, and I smiled.
Again, she kissed me. That way I knew she really wanted to, and that way I knew I wasn't forcing her to do anything.
We lay there on her bed for two hours making out before one of us spoke. Two frigging hours.
I had a question I wanted to ask, but I wasn't sure how. I wasn't sure if I had the right to ask it.
"I was thinking about something…"
"About what?"
"You, sort of. Are you… I mean, have you…?" God, how were I supposed to ask this? "Did you and Seth ever…?"
It was humiliating to ask her if she and her ex ever had sex. I just wanted to know, because I didn't want to push her to have it.
"Take the step?" she continued for me, and I swallowed hard. She must have heard it.
"Yeah," I clarified.
She was quiet for a second before she answered me.
"No, we never got that serious."
They didn't date for a long time before the accident, and after that she wasn't really up to being in a relationship.
"So, you're still…?"
"Yeah," she answered me. I could feel how she blushed. "You're not."
"No."
"Just Olivia?"
"Yep." That wasn't a lie. I might have a rumor at school, but it wasn't true. The only one I had ever slept with was Olivia. I had never went that far with anyone else, even though there had been more girls. Just never as serious as with Olivia, and that wasn't serious. It was mostly physical. So, J.J on the side gave me what every relationship should have. Now, with J.J, I could get both. I would respect that she wanted to take it slow, because I didn't want to ruin this. Whatever we had.
But I knew I would get both, because J.J was someone I could talk to. And now, I could be physical with her as well.
"You seemed eager to take it to the next step today…"
"Caught up in the moment, I guess," she answered me and I felt her blushing again.
"Are you sure you want me to be the one?"
"I think so, yes. That's why I want to take it slow. That way I can figure everything out. Are you okay with that?"
I found her lips again, and kissed her softly.
"I'm perfectly okay with that," I promised her and I felt her kissing me back.