General Hammond sat down at his desk and took a moment to enjoy the peace. He liked early mornings at the SGC. They were typically quiet; the hustle and bustle of day shift still several hours away. There were no strobe lights flashing, sirens blaring, or stacks of paperwork to read and fill out in triplicate. It was just him, a cup of coffee, and an empty desk.
"UNSCHEDULED OFF WORLD GATE ACTIVATION…GENERAL HAMMOND TO THE CONTROL ROOM…"
Hammond shut his eyes and sighed. His few treasured moments of peace were over. Sometimes it just doesn't pay to be the man in charge… he thought as he got to his feet and made his way down to the Control Room.
"What have we got, Sergeant?" he asked, approaching the officer seated in front of the computers. He knew there were no teams due back until later that morning. Based on past experiences, an incoming wormhole at this hour tended mean only one thing: trouble.
"It's an incoming wormhole, sir. We're receiving SG-1's IDC."
"Open the iris."
The gate's protective shield whirled open to reveal the shimmering energy field of the event horizon. Several MPs took up defensive positions around the room, ready to challenge any hostiles that managed to get through. Even with the iris codes, one truly never knew who was coming through until they were standing on the ramp. Having armed personnel in attendance had saved the SGC from an enemy incursion on more than one occasion.
The first person to come through the gate was Major Carter, her right hand splinted and held protectively against her chest. "We need a medical team!" she shouted, prompting the gate technician to place the call. She moved aside as the vertical pool rippled again, giving her remaining teammates ample room to emerge.
"What on Earth…?" Hammond uttered as he watched the others step out onto the ramp. Teal'c led, followed by Janet and Daniel. The two men had a stretcher suspended between them, the occupant commanding the doctor's full attention. It wasn't difficult for the general to deduce who the casualty was and he quickly made his way down to the gate room.
By the time he got through the blast doors, the gate had disengaged and the MPs were already clearing out. "What in god's name happened to you people?" he asked, taking in their various injuries and the group's all around haggard appearance.
"It's a long story, sir," Sam replied, a harsh, wet cough drawing her attention back over her shoulder.
Janet moved the blankets aside allowing Hammond his first glimpse at the person on the stretcher. Although his face was partially hidden beneath an oxygen mask, he could still tell it was Jack. The other man didn't look well at all. His skin was gray and he labored to breathe, a task that was visibly causing him much pain.
"Easy, colonel," Janet said, placing a comforting hand on his arm as he began to cough again. "Take it easy. We're home now. You're going to be all right."
"Home…" Jack gasped once he'd gotten control of his breathing. "Team home?"
"Yes, sir. Everyone's home."
The general took a few tentative steps toward the stretcher, still not quite believing his eyes. It was always difficult to see his people come home injured, but severe instances like this were always a shock. "Colonel?" As Jack turned his head toward the familiar voice, Hammond was able to see the pattern of dark bruising along the right side of his face.
"Gen…Gen…" He couldn't get enough air to complete the word.
"It's okay, son. Don't try to talk. You're home now. Everything's going to be fine."
Jack managed a partial nod before closing his eyes and seeming to lose consciousness.
"It was my fault, general," Sam said from behind him. "All of it."
"It was an accident," Daniel insisted.
Hammond was about to ask what exactly "it" was when the medical team came rushing through the doors. He stepped back out of the way and watched as Daniel and Teal'c placed Jack on the gurney, stretcher and all. Janet began calling orders, her team working fervently around the fallen man.
"I want to establish a secondary IV access and get him started on positive pressure ventilation immediately. He's bleeding internally and experiencing complications from flail chest. We need to get him prepped and down to OR One as soon as possible. Daniel, get Major Cater and Teal'c down to the infirmary. Let's move, people!" And with that, Janet and her team raced out of the gate room.
Sam turned to Hammond, a look of urgency on her face. "General…"
"It's all right, major. I understand. We'll debrief at a later time," he said. "Get yourselves down to the infirmary – doctor's orders."
"Yes, sir. Thank you."
Hammond watched as she hurried out of the room with the rest of SG-1 close behind. He felt uneasy being left out of the loop, but it was something he had to accept for the time being. His premier team was hurting, dealing with both their own injuries and concern for their leader. The debriefing could wait.
With a cursory glance at the inactive gate, Hammond headed back to his office to wait for an update, wondering what horrors SG-1 had narrowly escaped from this time.
Gathered in the back corner of the infirmary, the able bodied members of SG-1 were anxiously awaiting news on Jack's condition. After their injuries were tended to, Sam and Teal'c were assigned beds and told to stay put. Daniel had been the fortunate one on this trip, having only picked up a few sores and blisters on his hands from clearing the trails. They were all exhausted, the last mile and half of their journey having been the most difficult. The rocky footing above the tree line had been treacherous in the dark. It was only through sheer luck and determination that they managed to traverse the rough ground without incident. They could only hope enough of that luck still remained to help bring Jack through such a difficult time.
"This all just sounds like a terrible accident," Hammond said, having joined the somber group in the infirmary several hours after their return. He'd been listening to an unofficial recount of their mission, and was appalled to hear what they'd been through. "There was no way you could have known what that stone really was."
Sam stubbornly shook her head and kept quiet, not trusting herself to speak at the moment. She was trying to keep composed in front of the general, but she was having a rough time with it. She was worried, tired, and drugged – a parting gift from the nurse who had tended to her broken hand.
"Major Carter wrongly holds herself responsible for O'Neill's injuries," Teal'c explained, his wounded leg propped up on several pillows.
"He's right, Sam," Daniel agreed, perched on the edge of her bed. "I mean I didn't even know what it was when I picked it up."
"But it didn't react to you," she insisted. "I should have at least been suspicious considering I found it next to the body of a Goa'uld." She sighed and shut her eyes. If there was only a way to erase the last 24 hours…I could go back and do it again. Only this time I wouldn't be so careless, so complacent…
Sam's guilty thoughts were interrupted when the infirmary door opened and Janet stepped inside. She paused briefly to speak with a nurse and then made her way down to meet her friends. She looked fatigued, but not upset; a promising sign as far as the others were concerned.
"Is Jack okay?"
"Is he going to make it?"
"Will O'Neill be able to lead us into battle again?"
Janet had barely gotten ten steps into the room before SG-1 erupted into a bevy of questions. She'd expected it and allowed them to query her for a moment before raising a hand to quiet them. She turned to Hammond first and afforded him a tired smile. "General."
"Doctor," he greeted with a nod. "We've all been anxiously awaiting your report."
"I thought you might be," Janet replied, pulling up a chair and sinking into it wearily. "So I got here just as soon as I felt comfortable leaving the colonel."
"Then he made it through okay?" Daniel asked.
"He made it through the surgery, yes, however there were complications," she said, wondering how much she should tell them. "When he was first put under anesthesia, his heart stopped."
A murmur of surprise and shock passed through the small group.
"We got him back, but it showed us just how fragile his condition was. Dr. Warner and I made the decision to repair only what was necessary to save his life and leave the rest for a later time," she explained. "We spent the last several hours working to control his internal bleeding and to stabilize the flail portion of his ribcage. If, in a few days, he shows enough improvement, we'll go back in to set his broken arm and possibly repair some of the damage in his shoulder. He is concussed, but it's secondary to his other injuries. In fact he's lucky he hit the mountainside the way he did. Had he impacted head first instead of shoulder first, it would have likely killed him instantly." Janet paused, allowing the others time to process what she'd said. She was becoming concerned about Sam, the other woman's face having gone impossibly white.
Hammond was the first to speak. "Do you think he'll survive?"
The doctor sighed. It was a loaded question, and she knew she had to be careful how she answered it. "It's really too soon to be making any sort of prognosis. He's very sick right now. Very weak. While we're confident we got his bleeding under control, it was decided to leave the chest tube in place to allow any remaining fluid to drain. His right lung is severely bruised from the force of the impact, and he's unable to properly oxygenate his blood on his own. We've put him on a respirator to ensure his oxygen level is maintained and to help minimize the stress on his body.
"Infection is another big risk factor, especially pneumonia. There's also the energy burn along his left side and the two cracked ribs beneath it. The bones are still intact, so we don't anticipate any major problems to come from them. We cleaned and treated the burn, but we're going to have to monitor it for signs of infection. We'll be watching Major Carter's burn as well."
Sam looked down at her injured hand resting in the sling around her neck. Despite the medication she was on, she could still feel the burn smoldering underneath the thick bandages. The nurse that treated her had opted to use a splint rather than a hard cast to permit the frequent cleanings of her burn. It wasn't the best way to treat a broken wrist, but it greatly reduced the risk of her developing an infection.
Daniel fidgeted with his glasses. "When can we see Jack?"
"We'll have to see how things go, probably sometime tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?" Sam exclaimed, her tone making it sound like Janet had said never. "But…"
"The colonel is asleep, and I suspect he will remain that way for several days," the doctor said. "I realize you all want to be with him right now, but he needs to rest so his body can start to heal. Hopefully by tomorrow he'll have stabilized enough to were I can let you in for a short visit."
"But if he wakes up…"
"He won't Daniel. He can't. He's on medication that will keep him asleep until we decide it's safe for him to wake up."
"I do not require bed rest to heal my injuries. I wish to remain with O'Neill so that he is not alone."
Janet shook her head. "It's a nice offer, Teal'c, but I'm afraid I can't permit it at this time. The colonel is in the CCU. There's not a lot of room in there, and my staff needs to be able to get to him at a moment's notice. He won't be alone – a critical care nurse will be stationed with him all times."
"What about your injuries?" Hammond asked.
"Thankfully they're superficial," Janet replied, fingering the sore spots along her shoulders. "I've got some bruising and minor swelling where the beam struck me, but I was far enough away from the blast that nothing broke. My back's a little sore from hitting the ground, but I think a hot shower will do wonders for that."
"It's good to know you're all right, doctor, and the rest of you as well," he said, addressing the three members of SG-1. "It sounds like you folks had a rough go of it out there, and I'm glad you made it back. I know it wasn't easy given the colonel's injuries, but you kept your wits about you and got him home alive. I'm confident in saying that he's in the best possible place right now, and in the most capable hands."
Janet's cheeks colored slightly at the praise. "Thank you, sir."
"I'll schedule an official debriefing in a few days to give you all a chance to recover. In the meantime, get some rest." The general offered the haggard looking group a fatherly smile and left the room.
"Rest," the doctor repeated as she stood and carefully stretched out her back. "I think the general read my mind."
"Janet," Sam began, her quiet voice wavering uncharacteristically. "Couldn't we just…I mean isn't there a way we could see the colonel for a minute? Just so we know that he's really…" Alive… Although she couldn't bring herself to say it aloud, her expression clearly articulated her point.
Janet's first instinct was to say no; the colonel needed to rest, as did they all. But then she realized the last time SG-1 had seen their leader was when they were separated in the gate room. The image of Jack near death had been imprinted in their minds and they were desperate to see for themselves that he was indeed alive.
"I'll tell you what," she said, deciding to bend her own rules just a little. "I need to go check on the colonel once more before I crash for awhile. How about I bring Daniel with me and than he can come back and tell you what he saw?"
Daniel blinked in surprise. "Wait – why me?" It wasn't that he didn't want to go, he'd just expected Sam or Teal'c to jump all over the opportunity the moment it offered.
"Because Sam and Teal'c are confined to the infirmary for the next 24 hours for medical observation," Janet replied. "Are you up to going? If you think it'll be too difficult, I can…"
"No, no, I'm good," Daniel said, getting to his feet. He looked at his bed bound friends, feeling a pang of guilt for them not being able to go.
Teal'c seemed to read his thoughts and bowed his head to show there were no hard feelings. "Wish O'Neill well for me, Daniel Jackson."
"Yeah, me too," Sam said. "Tell him we'll see him soon."
"I will."
"Get some rest you two," Janet ordered as she pushed open the door to leave.
"I'll be back," Daniel promised and hurried out of the room, both eager and nervous to see his friend.
Daniel had a difficult time believing that the man before him was really Jack O'Neill. Hesupposed it was denial, because one good look at the person's face told him exactly who it was. Wrapped in bandages and surrounded by machinery, Jack appeared to be a fragile shell of the man he truly was.
Fragile… Daniel thought ironically. Now there's a word I never thought I'd associate with Jack…
He watched in silence as Janet made her checks, too shell-shocked by his friend's appearance to make small talk or ask questions. His eyes kept wandering back to Jack's face, his pale complexion broken only by sporadic blotches of dark bruising. There was a tube down his nose and another in his throat. The bellows of the respirator hissed and clicked rhythmically beside the bed, forcing oxygen into lungs that were too weak to do it on their own.
Daniel jumped when he felt a hand on his back. He looked down to see Janet at his side, studying him with concerned eyes.
"Are you okay?" she asked quietly.
"He looks so…I had no idea how…" The archeologist sighed and wrapped his arms around his chest. "He's not going to make it, is he?"
"I know he looks bad now, but there's still a chance he'll come through. The human body is one of the most resilient organic structures out there. I've seen people recover from injuries even after top-level specialists have said it was impossible."
"He's not feeling any of this, right?"
"He doesn't even know we're here."
Daniel reached out and touched Jack's fingers. They were cold and lifeless. "I wish Sam would stop blaming herself for this."
"I do too," Janet agreed. "And hopefully she will. In time anyway. As teammates, you all share a unique bond; what hurts one of you, hurts you all. With a little patience and persistence, I think you guys can help her see that this was just a horrible mistake."
"I think she'd be more receptive hearing it from Jack. If he doesn't make it, I don't know what she'll…what we'll do."
Except for the impersonal sounds of the medical monitors, the small critical care room fell silent. Daniel allowed his arm to drop across Janet's shoulders, the two friends comforting each other through the rough time. They both cared for Jack as a friend and a leader. To see him this way was difficult; to think about losing him was unbearable.
Both turned to look when the door opened to admit one of the ward's nurses.
"Daniel, this is Captain Tomas," Janet said, introducing the middle-aged woman. "She's one of the critical care nurses I was telling you about earlier. She'll be staying with the colonel tonight."
Tomas tucked the book she was carrying under her arm and held out her hand. "A pleasure to meet you," she greeted, offering a kind smile.
He shook her hand and smiled back awkwardly. "Thanks, you too."
"I read the colonel's report before I came in," Tomas said, getting down to business. "Is there anything else I need to know?"
"Just that his chest tube is still draining quite heavily, so you'll want to keep an eye on that," Janet replied. "Otherwise, he's doing as good as can be expected."
"I guess this means I have to go now, huh?" Daniel asked.
"It means we both need to go. But he's in good hands, right, captain?"
"Yes, ma'am," Tomas replied, preparing to make her own checks of the colonel.
Daniel sighed. All the reassurance in the universe wasn't going to make walking away from his injured friend any easier. "I gotta go, Jack." He knew the older man couldn't hear him, but he still felt the need to say something. "Sam and Teal'c say 'hi' and they hope you get better soon. We all do. Maybe we can all see you tomorrow if Janet says it's okay. You know how she can be sometimes."
He gave the petite doctor an apologetic look, and she tapped her foot in feigned annoyance. "But seriously, Jack, you've got to get better. I know it won't be easy, but doing things the easy way has never been your style. SG-1 needs you, Jack. We can't defeat the Goa'uld without you."
Not trusting his voice any longer, Daniel patted his friend on the arm and indicated to Janet he was ready to leave.
"I'll be asleep in my office if anyone needs me," she told the duty nurse as she gently herded him toward the door. "You all right?" she asked once they were out in the hall.
Daniel nodded, pulling off his glasses and wiping the moisture from his eyes. "Yeah," he sniffed. "I thought I could I keep it together, but…"
"It's hard to see someone you care about in a situation like this. It's even hard for me, and I'm supposed to be the impartial one." They began to walk slowly down the hall. "I guess the important thing to remember is that it's okay to cry and to be afraid and to be sad and even angry. You have to get those emotions out before you can move on and become strong again."
"I know…it's just after seeing Jack…I can't help but think the worst."
Janet reached out and stopped him in his tracks. "I know it's easier said than done, but you can't think that way, Daniel. You'll bring yourself down and everyone else around you. And that includes the colonel once he starts becoming aware of his surroundings. If he's going to have a chance to come out of this, then he needs support from those who care about him most. Right now, that's you, Sam, and Teal'c."
Daniel looked at her through watery eyes. "You really think he has a chance to survive this? Even after nearly losing him during surgery and seeing the damage firsthand, you seriously believe Jack can walk away from this?"
"I think he has a better shot than most."
It wasn't yes; it wasn't no. It was just a safe way of saying maybe. And for some reason, a maybe was more reassuring right now than a definitive yes or no.
Janet saw the acceptance in his eyes and felt him relax. "Come on," she said, taking him by the arm and leading him toward the infirmary. "Go fill in Sam and Teal'c and then I want you to get some rest."
"I'm really not that tired."
"No, you're exhausted. Just like me. Trust me, Daniel; you need to get some sleep. I can confine you to the infirmary with the others if you'd like…"
"No – no, that's okay," Daniel insisted, more willing to follow orders now that she was issuing threats. "I'll get some sleep. I promise." They paused outside the infirmary doors. "Thank you for letting me see Jack. It was hard, but I feel better for having done it."
"You're welcome. Hopefully it will be encouraging to the others as well." She motioned toward the closed door. "Good luck and try to keep it short. Remember, you all need to…"
"Rest," Daniel said with a smile. "Right."
She nodded and headed for her office. "Sleep well."
"You too." Daniel went to open the door, but his hand stopped mid-reach. His mind suddenly began to race wildly with thoughts and emotions. What am I going to tell them? How am I going to tell them? I don't want to make them more upset – especially Sam. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I give them false hope? What if I frighten them more? What if…
He abruptly shook his head to quell the barrage of thoughts. You tell them the truth, the sensible part of his brain said. You tell them that Jack is sick, but alive, and that he's being taken care of by Janet's capable staff. If they ask questions, you answer them with facts, not emotional embellishments.
He sighed and reached for the doorknob again. This time he was able to grasp it, but his hand still refused to turn. This is crazy… he thought. It's not like I'm going in to tell them Jack is dead. He's not – he's very much alive. He just looks…fragile…vulnerable… weak…helpless…dead. He cringed at the last one. It was definitely not something he wanted to share with his friends.
Just go in and get it over with. If they get upset, you comfort them, just like Janet did for you. Simple as that. Daniel snorted softly. Simple…right. That's what this is.
He drummed his fingers on the knob. It was now or never. And while he tended to lean toward never, he knew what had to be done. Drawing a deep breath, Daniel closed his hand over the knob and gave it a turn. His friends were waiting.
Even with all Daniel had told her the day before, seeing Jack for the first time was still a shock for Sam. Just two days before they'd been sitting around a campfire on an alien world, eating breakfast and finalizing the day's plans. There was joking and laughter – everyone blissfully unaware of the planet's hidden danger and the tragedy to come.
She was watching Jack sleep. He looked terrible; bruised, bandaged, and surrounded by more machines than she had down in her lab. She was reminded of the first time she'd seen him after they'd nearly died in the bowels of an Antarctic crevasse. She'd felt quite certain there was no way he could have looked any worse, but as she looked at him now, she realized just how wrong she had been.
"I'm sorry, colonel," Sam said quietly, resting her hand against his arm. She searched his face, hoping to find some small sign that he was really in there, but his slack features revealed nothing.
You did this… The abruptness of the thought made her physically jump. There's no gate anomaly or malfunction to blame this time. Only you…
Sam took a step away from the bed. She would have kept going right out of the room if she hadn't backed into something solid and warm.
"Sorry, Teal'c," she uttered. "I didn't hear you come in."
Rather than stepping aside to let her by, the large man put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "It is most distressing to see O'Neill in this condition."
"Yeah, it is."
"It troubles me to think of going into battle without his guidance and skill." He paused for a moment, seeming to choose his next words with care. "However, if he is to succumb to his injuries, I believe O'Neill's legacy will live on through the many lives he has touched. I am honored to have served at his side."
Sam felt a lump rise in her throat. Although Teal'c's words were eloquent, they clawed at her heart like jagged nails. She closed her eyes and sniffed; unable to hold her tears back any longer.
"I have upset you. I am sorry."
She shook her head. "No. No, it's okay, Teal'c. It's just…I'm…"
"You still feel guilt for O'Neill's injuries."
"I do. I had hoped seeing him would help, that maybe things weren't as bad as I'd thought they were. But they are." She sniffed and wiped her eyes. "I think they may even be worse."
"You have no reason to feel such shame, Major Carter. Accidents…"
"Happen, I know," she interrupted sharply. "But think about it, Teal'c: if you had been the one to pick up that stone and hurt your teammates – your friends – wouldn't you feel guilty for it?"
"I would," the Jaffa admitted. "However, my guilt would be warranted."
Sam gave him an incredulous look. "And mine's not?"
"Had I picked up the ma'krell stone, I would have done so with the knowledge of the power it possessed. I would have made a conscious decision to risk my own safety, and the safety of my friends," he explained. "Your decision to pick up the stone was borne of curiosity. You had no previous knowledge of what it was, or the damage it was capable of doing. You are not to blame."
She wanted to believe him, she really did, but her willful side just refused to be convinced. "God, I hope he gets better. Even if he wants to yell at me for being careless – I don't care. I just want him to be all right."
"As do we all," Teal'c agreed.
The door opened behind them to admit Janet. "Hey, guys," she greeted, joining the solemn pair at Jack's bedside. "How's it going?"
"Could be better," Sam replied, drying her eyes on her sleeve.
"Has there been any improvement in O'Neill's condition, Doctor Fraiser?" Teal'c asked.
"Well, he seems to have stabilized," Janet said, consulting the man's chart for any new notes since her last visit. "We were chasing his blood pressure for a good part of the night, but it looks like the extra transfusion we gave him resolved the issue. There hasn't been any significant fluctuations in his numbers for over 12 hours now."
Sam allowed her hopes to raise half a notch. "That's good."
The doctor nodded. "He's also showing no signs of infection and we're seeing less drainage from the chest tube."
"When will he be permitted to awaken?"
"I wish I had an exact answer for you, Teal'c, but I don't. If he continues to improve, if he tolerates the next surgery, if he can maintain his oxygen level without the assistance of the respirator, if he remains infection free, if…" She began to see the worry on her friend's faces deepen. "There are a lot of variables involved, but it ultimately comes down to the comfort and safety of the patient."
The large man frowned. "I see."
"Can we stay with him now?" Sam asked.
"No, not while he's in the CCU. Maybe once we're able to move him into the general ward, but we'll have to see. Rest is going to play a large role in his recovery."
The door opened and a nurse carrying a covered tray stepped into the room.
"If rest is what O'Neill needs, then we should permit him to do so," Teal'c said, sensing it was time for them to leave. "May we return later?"
"Sure. I don't see why not," the doctor replied. "We're about to change his bandages and check a few other things, but if you'd like to come back later this afternoon for a visit, you can."
"I guess I can keep busy until then," Sam said.
"That's something I wanted to talk to you about, actually," Janet said. She turned to the nurse. "Go ahead and get started, lieutenant. I'll be right back."
The young nurse nodded. "Yes, ma'am."
Janet herded her two friends out of Jack's room and into the relative privacy of the hall. "Teal'c, you're free to leave the infirmary. Your symbiote did a good job healing your wounds overnight. Just do me a favor and take it easy for a couple of days. You did a lot of hard, physical work yesterday and you need to take some time to recover from that."
"I will do as you wish, Doctor Fraiser," he replied.
"What about me?" Sam asked.
"I'd like you to stay in the infirmary a little longer."
Sam's eyes widened. "What? Why?"
Janet looked expectantly up at Teal'c. Perceptive as always, the large man understood her message without words.
"I will go inform Daniel Jackson that he must postpone his visit with O'Neill," he said, and respectfully took his leave.
"I think you need a little more time under supervision," Janet said once they were alone.
"But, Janet…"
"No buts, Sam. You're exhausted. Between my own observations and those of my staff, you've gotten less than six hours sleep since we've been home. And given what we've been through, that's not enough."
"I'm not tired."
"I think you are. You've got dark circles under your eyes, your attention span is unusually short, you're emotional…"
"Of course I'm emotional!" Sam practically erupted. "I nearly killed my commanding officer. I think I have the right to be a little upset!"
"Yes, you do!" Janet replied, matching her friend's harried tone. Shouting wasn't something she normally allowed in the CCU, but she felt it was the only way to get Sam to listen. "But you can't let your guilt and anger get in the way of taking care of your own body's needs!"
"My body doesn't need anything!" Sam argued. "I just want to go down to my lab and start working with the data we collected from the planet before everything hit the fan."
"Isolating yourself is the worst thing you can do right now, and you know it," Janet pushed back. "You need rest, a couple of decent meals, maybe someone to talk to…"
Sam shook her head and stubbornly crossed her arms the best she could with one of them in a sling.
"But the bottom line is, if you're not going to look after yourself like a responsible adult, then I will. I'll have you confined to the infirmary until I'm certain you're strong enough to be up and about. That would mean no work and no visits to the colonel. Is that what you want?"
Sam's first reaction was to say yes, it was exactly what she wanted. She was in such a foul mood she didn't care if it sounded childish. But then the thought of being bedridden and unable to visit Jack started to sink in. What if he gets worse? What if he dies? What if I don't get to say goodbye or that I'm sorry or that… Hurting someone you cared for was bad enough; selfishly abandoning them when they needed you most was inexcusable.
Hot tears began to slide down her face and onto the floor. She sniffed and turned toward the wall.
"Sam?" Janet put her hand on her friend's arm. She tried to move away, but Janet wouldn't let her. After a moment, Sam allowed herself to be pulled into a hug. "It's okay, Sam, let it out," she urged as the other woman began to cry in earnest.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound so…I just…" Violent sobs shook Sam's body as she allowed the last 24 hours of pent up emotions to come flooding out. Hysterics wasn't something she usually did, but between her guilt, exhaustion, and pain, she had been pushed to her breaking point. Clinging to Janet like a lifeline, she cried out of fear, frustration, and sadness.
"Shh, it's all right," Janet soothed, holding her friend close. She knew a good cry was exactly what the other woman needed and was more than willing to lend her a shoulder for support.
Sam cried for nearly ten minutes, her sobs slowly reducing to sniffles. When she finally released Janet from her grasp, her eyes were swollen and her cheeks red. "I'm sorry, Janet," she sniffed quietly.
"You have nothing to be sorry for," the doctor replied, handing her a tissue from her pocket. "We all need a good cry every once and a while."
"I think you might be right about me being tired," Sam admitted. "I've just been too worried about the colonel to realize it myself."
"It's okay to be upset," Janet said. "And frankly I'd be worried if you weren't. You're a good person, Sam. You take pride and responsibly in your work and care for those you work with. I know you would do anything to go back and make it so this never happened, but it's just not something we can feasibly do. You have to accept that this was an accident – a fluke even. And it's going to be difficult, but it's something you have to do. It'll eat you alive if you don't."
"I'm trying, I really am, but all I can think of is how much pain the colonel was in. Every time I close my eyes I can see him on the ground, bleeding and broken. I can hear his screams and the horrible sounds of him trying to breathe…" Sam's eyes welled up with tears again. "And then knowing if I'd never found that stone, or if I'd just left it on the ground, none of this would have ever happened."
"I know it seems impossible right now," Janet said, offering her another tissue. "But you will get through this, regardless of how things turn out. It's going to take time and effort, but you will find a way to forgive yourself and move on."
Sam shook her head despondently. To expect forgiveness from anyone, let alone herself, seemed unreasonable. She'd hurt one of her own, and now she had to face the consequences no matter what they may be.
Janet could see her friend's mental wheels turning. "Are you going to be okay?"
"I think so."
"You don't have to suffer through this alone. You can always talk to me or Daniel or Teal'c. And you know General Hammond's door is always open. We're in this together, Sam, and we'll get through this together too."
"I know," the other woman sniffed. "I know."
"Do you want me to prescribe something so you can get some sleep?"
"No – I think I'll be all right."
"If you change your mind, just talk to one of the nurses. I'll let them know what's going on," Janet said, patting her on the arm. "I'll come check on you when I'm done with the colonel, okay?"
Sam nodded. "Can I come back later to see him?"
"Sure. How about when the guys come down this afternoon? Does that sound good?"
"Yeah, thanks."
"Now go get some rest," Janet said, playfully shooing her friend away. "You look absolutely exhausted."
With a small smile that never quite reached her eyes, Sam turned and slowly headed down the corridor toward the infirmary.
Janet watched her go, waiting until she disappeared from sight before allowing her own emotional wall to crumble. It was almost as hard to see her friends upset as it was to see them sick or injured. At least in the latter cases, she generally knew what to do to make things better again.
Wiping the moisture from beneath her eyes, she hastily reeled all of her personal emotions back into place. It was time for her to switch roles, shifting from the confidant to the impartial, compassionate doctor that her patients knew and trusted. With a final glance in the direction Sam had gone, Janet returned to the private room to tend to Jack's injuries.