Author's Note:

This chapter took forever to write. I changed it a million times and then decided not to include parts and it was just a huge project. I don't like it that much since I'm kind of sick of it, hope you like it better.

Ch. 4 Face to Face

"To those students off to see their families: I'm sure we will all miss you over break. To those who will remain here: we're happy to have you. Have a very nice Christmas everyone, and I would like to see the Head boy and girl." Dumbledore concluded his speech with a cheery smile. With lots of scraping benches and laughter the students stood and began to exit the Great Hall.

The school had forgotten all about Severus Snape's lapse into suicidal tendencies within a week but Lily hadn't. She watched him and his sister head to the exit as she and James approached the teacher's table. Throughout the past weeks she had sent Selene and Severus small smiles in the halls. Delia and Serena hadn't mentioned her outbreak and she was glad. She didn't know how she would respond if confronted again.

"You wished to see us, Headmaster," James asked when they reached Dumbledore.

"Yes, yes," Dumbledore smiled at each student in turn. Lily was reminded of her grandfather, Papa… "You are both remaining at school for the break, yes?" he asked. Both students nodded. Lily glanced at James through the corner of her eye; He has family, what's he staying here for?

"I'd like you two to plan a ball for our older students. I like to have one every few years or so. With the extra time you'll have over the break I want you to figure out the main idea: theme, years allowed, dress, music, excetra. Give me your plans around say, New Years?"

"Sounds good," Lily found her voice.

"Wonderful. Thank you very much, both of you. You're doing an excellent job."

James smiled, "You're welcome."

"Welcome," Lily echoed. Dumbledore was always so kind and cheerful. With running the school and spreading warnings against a new rising threat of Dark Wizards she wondered how he found time to breath.

She and James walked away from the headmaster, determinedly avoiding each other's gaze while covertly sneaking glances at the other's face. Lily breathed a sigh of relief when she saw an escape as they passed the library, "Oh, um, I think I may have left a book," she mumbled, "I'll—er—I'll see you later, my book…" She rushed into the library leaving James dumbstruck in the halls, wondering what he did to have her seem hate him so very much.

o0o

The next day Lily gave her two best friends huge hugs before they left. "Have a good holiday guys," she said in the big hugging huddle they'd formed. "I'll miss you."

"Miss you too, Lils," Serena gave her an extra hug.

"Try not to drive James completely insane," Delia advised.

Lily grinned rakishly as watched them go. "How crazy can I make him? It's only a week," she yelled. The two girls turned with a final wave and amused grins. Lily turned with a smile still on her face. She had determined to make the best of her time off from schoolwork. She was going to relax and enjoy Christmas. She had always loved Christmas when she was younger.

"You sure you don't want to come visit my family?" asked an entertained voice.

"Oh yes," Lily turned, "I'm sure they'd love to see me." Lily gave Sirius a huge hug.

"I wish you were coming," he confided quietly into her ear. The school had become used to their unexpected friendship though no one besides Lily and Sirius's close friends knew the reason. "I could use a friendly face in my own home."

"Don't let them get to you, okay?" Lily leaned back, searching Sirius's eyes. "If you need me, to talk or anything, I'm only a pinch of flu dust away." Lily stood on her tiptoes and gave Sirius a peck on the cheek.

"I won't and I know," Sirius pretended to be annoyed but Lily knew he would make good on her offer if he needed to. With a last hug Sirius walked through the doorway and disappeared into the blinding sunlight reflected off the snow just as Serena and Delia had done. Lily sighed to herself and headed for the considerably darker hallways of Hogwarts.

"Lily," came a voice from a passage way to the dungeons. Lily turned about curious then stepped into the passage. The few smoky torches did little to light the musky, damp passage. Severus Snape stood there in the shadows, looking unsure of his self.

"I never really thanked you for what you did for me, so, thank you."

"You're very welcome," Lily responded with a warm smile, squinting to see him better in the dark. "Are you going away for the holiday?" she asked after a pause.

"Yes, an aunt of mine," Severus trailed off.

"I have—

"I—," Lily stopped, "Go ahead," she encouraged.

"Um," Severus gulped, "Well, since I won't be here for Christmas, I—um—I, I got you this," he thrust a small package into Lily's hands and rushed passed her into the Entrance Hall. "Happy Christmas," he called over his shoulder.

Lily turned the package over in her hands and tore of the wrappings. Inside was a CD with one track on it, Dry the Tears. A note drifted to the ground. In spiked writing it read: Thank you for caring. Merry Christmas, Lily. Instantly Lily's curiosity was sparked and she rushed to her room, transformed a pillow into a CD player and put in the CD. Instantly she recognized the tune as the one Severus had been humming on the roof, the lullaby.

I'll sing you a song if you go to sleep,

I'll sing you a song in the night.

Hush now, hush now, I'll sing you a song in goodbye.

I'll dry the tears in the dusky dawn,

I'll dry the tears when we wake.

The storms only passing,

It'll go on its way,

And on that new dawn I'll chase the sorrows away.

I'll sing you a song if you hold me close,

I'll sing you a song if you smile.

Hush now, hush now, I'll sing you a song in goodbye.

I'll dry the tears in the new sun,

I'll dry the tears in the warmth.

The Lord will provide,

He'll warm our hearts,

And in his sweet love we will thrive.

Hush now, hush now,

I 'm singing my song of goodbye.

The last note hung in the air and seemed to echo off all the walls. The woman's voice trailed off in sadness and desperation but with hope and attempting to give hope. It was a sad tune and Lily couldn't understand how it could have comforted a young child. All the same it spoke clearly of the mother's acceptance that she could not shield her children from the cruelties of the world no matter how she tried. It was hopeful however, and from what Lily had learned about the Snape family, it seemed as though it would have comforted Selene and Severus very much.

Lily spied a second paragraph on the back of the note she swore hadn't been there before, May you stop running and cut off your demons, it read. She sank onto her bed in tears both for her new friend and herself. How cruel the world could be.

o0o

The next morning, Lily awoke feeling sluggish and disgusting. She had cried herself to sleep is a half sitting position, waking in the morning uncomfortable, cold, and tired as though she hadn't slept. She had faint memories of fluid dreams that had melded together, all the while hearing the lullaby in the background. She rubbed her tongue along her teeth and found a slimy film there, as she hadn't cleaned her teeth the night before. Lily groaned as she tried to rub away a migraine at her temples but her fingers came away greasy, further lowering her mood. "It doesn't feel like Christmas time," she muttered to herself, her voice coming scratchy and hoarse. Glancing at the clock Lily realized it was still far too early for James to be up.

She crept through the Common Room to the bathroom and took a long shower. The hot water cleaned her skin but what Lily truly needed, and found, was a cleansing of her emotions. She felt the sorrows slip off her skin and down the drain with the soapy water. Her migraine even subsided to a dull pounding in the back of her head. For the first time, Lily thought about how her life had changed since her last day of Hogwarts the year before. So much had happened; so much had changed. She wanted a fresh start without all the memories, without the baggage. Amnesia would be a blessing, to wake with no thoughts but of the sunshine streaming through the curtains onto her face. Lily closed her eyes and took a deep breath, finally giving herself the acceptance she needed.

I can't change the past. It is what it is. But no one will ever have the power to destroy me like Chris did again. I will be the one with the power over my own happiness; I will always be the one who is loved.

What Lily didn't realize, or perhaps chose not to realize, was that love is letting someone else have complete power over your happiness; it is giving someone else the power to make you laugh or cry with a word. She was shutting out the only person who could help her heal the wounds Chris and Julia had left. To heal a cut as deep as she had, she needed a love that was deeper. She had sworn herself away from love and so she had sworn herself from healing.

From James.

James.

The word echoed in Lily's mind like a silver bell, over and over, fading into a blissful whisper or a word, a mere breath of air, James…

Lily emerged from the bathroom to find the object of her musing waiting for her, frowning slightly to his self as he stared at the floor, clearly preoccupied. She walked forward in a careful tread across the carpet. "Hi." She stated calmly once she had reached him, "Morning."

James looked up in surprise that she had snuck up on him so quietly. "Morning," he answered softly. Lily smiled sweetly and started for her room. "Wait," he called, a bit louder, "Lily, are," he started to lose his nerve, "are you all right?"

"Yes I'm fine," she answered a bit sharply, "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Oh, nothing in particular," James studied the carpet cursing his self for not standing his ground.

"James?" Lily asked, catching the lie.

"Well, you listened to that song last night, then you cried for a good half hour, never came out, and then took a forty-five minute shower singing the song that had made you cry the night before," James didn't say what song, Lily already knew.

"I like long showers," Lily answered with a shrug as though that answered all his questions.

"Lily, you can talk to me."

"About what?" Lily was getting nervous, they were coming dangerously close to the one thing she couldn't talk about, the one thing she had just sworn she was over.

"I don't know, anything, everything. The summer—"

"There is nothing to talk about concerning the summer," Lily answered in a dangerously low voice.

"But—"

"No," Lily wouldn't meet James's eyes. She spoke slower as though she thought he didn't understand her words, "There's nothing to talk about."

"Lily, please," James attempted one last plea. He wasn't sure exactly what he was asking her for but he had a feeling it was a bit more then it appeared at face value.

"Damn it, Lily! Why does it have to come to this?" James held his arms up as though begging Lily to do something, free him from some invisible bonds. "It happened, we were both there. A jackass cheated on you, your grandfather died, you found out you're not your father's daughter; you met your long lost mother and your half brother. I was there; I saw it. It sucks but it happened! You can't pretend the past didn't happen. You can't run from it forever! You can't run from me forever."

"I'm not running from anything," Lily countered, her voice raising an octave by the end of the sentence. The panic was building up; she felt her self drowning in it.

"Lily, don't lie to me." James's voice was considerably quieter then Lily's. "You have to stop running.

"Why?" Lily shrieked, "Why can't I pretend Chris never existed? Why can't I pretend my mother never came back? Why can't I pretend Sirius and I are just miraculously friends now? Why do you have to insist I stop? I can run like this for years! Forever, for that matter! Why does it matter to you? Why?" Lily stood her ground, crying and screaming at once.

James's brow furrowed as he took a tentative step forward. "Why do I care?" he repeated trancelike, "I would have thought that one's obvious. Because I love you." Lily's eyes softened and he took another step towards her. "Why do you have to stop running? Because someday you'll tire out and find that you have no one to turn to when the memories become too much to bear."

"Why?" Lily begged, her watery eyes bright, "Why can't I just forget and cut off all those connections? You were there for too much. You know too much. If you love me and you want me to be happy, why can't you let me cut you out, so I can forget?"

James shook his head, "Because that's not why you're cutting me out. You are afraid of falling in love again after what he did to you so you're cutting me off because you know you love me too. Have you asked Sirius to never speak to you again?"

"No," Lily admitted weakly, "But it's different with him." She sank slowly onto the couch, finally showing weakness.

"He doesn't love you the way I do. You want to cut me out because you fear pain. You don't fear reminders of the summer. " James smiled cynically as he sat down beside her, "Of all people, Lily, I understand pain, and I understand heartbreak. God knows how many times you've broken my heart."

Lily looked up and met James's steady gaze at those words, "I really did hurt you didn't I?" she asked.

"Yes and no," James shook his head to stare at his hands, "It hurt to never be given a chance, to have every girl at my feet except for the one I wanted. The irony of my life I suppose. But at the same time it didn't hurt, it couldn't hurt, because you never let me in. You let me in this summer. And now, this? This hurts."

"Oh James," Lily whispered, "I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for it to be like this. But Chris, he was, too perfect. It hurts."

James reached over and grabbed Lily's hands. "Do you remember what I told you that night, after we saw him and Julia?"

"I hardly remember anything from that night."

" 'He never deserved you. He was never worthy of you. No one ever will be, but I'll sure as hell try.' " James quoted his self. "I stand by that Lily. I don't think I'll ever deserve you, but I'll try to be everything for you."

"I really don't deserve that," Lily protested.

James laughed openly, throwing back his head. He released one of her hands and wiped a tear from her cheek. "Of course you do. You're Lily," he stated as though quoting a fact right out of an encyclopedia.

Lily smiled at his sweetness. She leaned forward till their faces were right next to each other. "Thank you," she whispered into his ear. Then Lily kissed his cheek and stood, helping James to his feet as well. "I have a brilliant idea," she announced, feeling lighter then any time in the past year. "It'll take some planning and you'll have to cooperate even though you may find it tedious, but it'll be worth it."

"Okay," James looked unsure of Lily's sudden change of mood.

"I have a lot of thinking to do," Lily explained, "Planning, and letters to write. We can plan the ball after Christmas. It's in the middle of vacation anyways so we'll have plenty of time. I just need you to be in your room all night on Christmas Eve by nine. Is that okay?"

James smiled once he realized Lily was actually happy. "Perfect," he responded. Lily smiled at his answer and then retreated into her room. James heard the lullaby again but this time there was no crying and it didn't carry the same eerie tone as it had had the night before.

A/N: Sigh… That was exhausting. Finally I'm finished. The lullaby lyrics and Lily's little speech to herself while she was in the shower took so long to come up with. I changed them like sixty times. Hopefully it makes sense to you because I have all the different versions mixed up in my head.