Author's Note:
Deathly Hallows is AMAZING! Sorry it took so long to update, that's why. I was rereading HPs one through 6 before reading the holiness that is Harry Potter 7. [A moment of silence for the deceased. No, I won't say who so as not to spoil for those who haven't finished and not to give away to those pathetic people who don't read the books.
Happiness: Life is such a marvelous thing. And isn't it just grand to be living in this lovely world? I love you guys and everybody else in the world. Everything's perfect and everybody's happy. Don't you love being to cheerful?
All right. Unless you go read something else, that's all the happiness you're going to read in this chapter.
Disclaimer: JK's ingenious work, just like Deathly Hallows!
Ch. 11 All but Perfect
Delia watched the horizon from the bay window next to Lily's bed. Lily was in the bathroom trying on her dress for the ball that night.
She hugged her knees up to her body and attempted to forget about the chill she hadn't been able to fight off all day. The rays of sunlight that reached the windowpanes were filtered and hazy from the thick storm clouds gathering overhead. Delia watched as the last golden beam disappeared behind the mountains.
"What do you think?" Lily entered in a dazzling, shimmery blue silk floor length dress. The thin fabric clung to her body and set off her pale skin so that she seemed to glow. When she moved tiny crystals in the fabric caught the light and sparkled playfully.
"You look beautiful Lils," Delia smiled and stood. "He'll love it."
Lily gave her a little smile in thanks but she'd caught the distressed taint to Delia's voice. "What's wrong," she took her friend's hand and sat her down on the bed. "Are you alright?"
"Look at the horizon," Delia gestured towards the dark window. Lily looked at the clouds but there wasn't anything to suggest something out of the ordinary. She looked quizzically at her friend and noticed with a start that her friend's gaze had gone fuzzy, as though she was looking at something in a different dimension.
"There's a storm brewing," Delia continued in a low melodic voice. "I feel like it's too good to last, all this happiness. You and James finally dating, Remus and Serena as a couple, and Me and Sirius going to the ball together, it's going to end; it has to end. I don't know why, or how, but I can tell you with certainty that tonight will change a lot of things, and it will set things in motion."
"What things?" Lily asked quietly, realizing subconciously that there was some mystic importance to Delia's words. "What will change? What will be set in motion?"
Delia just shook her head and her eyes eturned to focusing on Lily. "I don't know."
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"Wow, Serena," Lily complimented. "You look great." Serena's dress was flowy and a bright, spicy red color. She hadn't died her hair so it was it's usual dark brown color.
"You too," Serena held out a hand which Lily spun under so that her friend could see the full effect of the dress. They sood just to the side of the doors from the Entrance Hall. Girls in fancy dresses and guys in their nicest dress robes flowed past, chattering excitedly for the fist dance they'd ever attended.
"Thanks," Lily hugged her. "Have you seen James?" she threw a quick glance around the almost full Great Hall turned ballroom. "He was supposed to meet me here at the doors five minutes ago."
"No I haven't," Serena stood on her tiptoes and craned her neck to spot the messy black hair of her good friend.
"I'd like to dedicate this song to my girlfriend, Lily, the most amazing girl in the world," a voice they all knew too well announced over the microphone. James jumped off the stage as the band started up a slow song. He made his way through the crowd with his usual lopsided grin to his speechless girlfriend. "Dance with me?" he whispered in Lily's ear.
Lily just nodded and followed him to the middle of the dance floor. She wrapped her arms around his neck and was pleasantly surprised to see that in her three inch heals she almost reached his height. With a contented sigh Lily buried her face into his shoulder, mindless of the make up Serena had done for her.
"What are you thinking?" James asked her in a whisper.
"Actually I was watching Professor Dumbledore dancing with Professor Myrtle," she confided, also whispering. The two laughed together at the tiny Ancient Runes teacher trying to get her arms all the way around the very tall Headmaster's neck.
"She needs a good pair of heals," James suggested.
"Or platforms."
"Or a stool." They ducked their heads as a few heads turned towards their laughter. "Really though, what are you thinking?" James's voice compelled Lily to look up and meet his gaze. She felt her heart start at the love and passion she saw there.
"I was thinking of how long this was in coming." James's deep chuckle was encouraging and she continued, "And how stupid I was to avoid you for half the year."
"You're not stupid," James reassured her. "Just misguided." He kissed the top of her head.
"Misguided," Lily repeated. "Yup that's me."
"At least you came to your senses eventually," James added. "Last year you would have preferred to snog Sirius then even talk to me."
"That's not true!" Lily protested.
"Actually it is," she could hear the smile in his voice and she knew he was teasing. "You even said that once to me when I asked you out last year. I remember because Sirius spent half the night in the bathroom brushing his teeth repeatedly at the very thought."
"I'm not a bad kisser," Lily continued the joke argumentatively. "You should know."
"Oh I do," James reassured her. "But he doesn't. And I don't intend to let him find out." Lily nuzzled closer to him, smiling at his possessiveness. "Speaking of which." James placed a finger under her chin to raise her face to his. He looked into her ees for a long moment and then kissed her.
All too soon the song was over and James led Lily over to the edge of the room. "Do you want anything? A drink?"
"Water would be lovely," Lily kissed his cheek. "Thanks."
James bowed mockingly. "Right away my lady." He hurried off towards the refreshment table. Lily watched Serena and Remus dancing happily together. She'd never seen brighter smiles on either of their faces.
"Can I talk to you?" Lily spun around quickly at a voice behind her.
"You startled me," she smiled at Severus Snape. "Of course." She followed him into an empty corridor just outside the Great Hall. They could still hear the music and laughter on the other side of the wall but the thick stones muffled all noise.
Lily waited patiently for him to speak. He seemed to struggle for the right words to say but after giving her a long look, sighed in frustration. "I've rehearsed what I would say but now that I'm seeing you I can't make myself lie."
"What-" Lily cocked her head to the side in confusion.
"You're killing me Lily," he said quietly.
Lily strained her eyes to see him; he was in the dark place between two torches. "What are you talking about Severus?" she took a step forward to see him better.
"You," he gestured a hand at her. "Just you. Your perfect smile and your cheerfulness and your laugh and your brilliant hair and everything about you. You're destroying me. I thought I could be strong enough but I'm not."
"Strong enough for what?" Lily tried to make her voice soothing as she spoke to him.
"Strong enough to get over you," he was becoming frantic. "Don't you see, Lily? Haven't you figured it out?" Lily stared at him blankly. "I'm in love with you," he screamed it but Lily was sure that no one could have heard through the heavy stone.
Lily gasped and raised a hand to her mouth. How could she have been so blind? "No you're not," she finally found her voice. "Sev, don't blow things out of proportion. We only just became friends. How can you love me?"
"How can I not love you?" he asked but Lily didn't have an answer. "Did you really not know?" he was desperate now. "No, how could you not know?" He turned his face away from her nodding head. "I always liked you Lily, I just hid it well, but I think I've loved you since that day on the roof. You rescued me from myself." He started pacing as his voice picked up momentum.
"And then I gave you the CD. The only other person who's ever heard that is my sister," he rubbed his forehead with a hand. "And I told you about my family. You're the only person I ever explained my family to. You're the only person who ever wanted to hear." He stopped pacing to face her. "Why Lily?" he was begging her now and for all her life Lily would wish she had been able to relieve him honestly of his pain. "Why didn't you see? Understand? Why don't you love me? Why do you love him?"
"Severus," Lily held out her hands and let them drop. "I can't make myself love someone. I don't know why we love who we do; it's just how it is."
"Why?" A few tears leaked from the corners of his eyes. Lily thought to comfort him but she knew it would make it worse. He needed to make this decision without persuasion from her or anyone else. He straightened up and his face changed; it became darker and controlled. "I am sorry my love is not returned."
"Sev," Lily took a step forward but he held up a hand to silence her.
"I have joined the service of the Dark Lord," he told her emotionlessly. "I have no further need of love, only power. I see now that it leads to heartbreak and anguish. I thank you for revealing this to me."
"Don't," Lily attempted to interrupt again.
"No," Severus wouldn't listen. "You must listen. If me meet again outside school," he continued, "We will no longer be friends. I'm sorry that the paths we have each chosen oppose each other. When we meet it will be as enemies. Do not worry; I am an accomplished Occlumens. I will not reveal to the Dark Lord or any of his followers the secrets of your past. I must ask for the same courtesy." Lily nodded, tears streaming down her face. "Then, enjoy the rest of your night."
Lily watched as his back disappeared into the darkness of the hallway. "Oh, Sev," she whispered into the mufflin darkness, "Don't throw your life away for me." She leaned back into the wall and sunk to the floor, realizing for the first time that she was crying.
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Serena was uneasy. She sat and watched her boyfriend who was talking with a friend of his from Ravenclaw, a female friend. The girl had curly light brown hair and a pleasant smile. Serena didn't feel a tinge of jealousy. She knew Remus was the most honest and loving of people. She didn't have a reason to be jealous.
She thought of how Huck would have reacted to seeing her talking to another guy at a dance. She probably would have been subjected to a cross-examination. She smiled half-heartedly at Remus as he came over to sit next to her. "You okay?" he asked concernedly. He pressed the back of his hand to her forehead. "No temp."
"I'm just a bit peaky," she lied. "Can we go for a walk?"
"Sure," Remus stood and offered her his arm, which she pretended not to see.
Once they were outside Serena breathed easier. "Ah, a crescent moon," Remus smiled at her then turned to look at the sliver of white in the sky. "My favorite type."
Serena watched his face in the dim moonlight. He was so full of hope and life and happiness and innocence, as opposed to her. "This isn't working, Remus," she told him. "This relationship."
"What do you mean?" Remus was watching her now, his forehead furrowed in confusion.
"You have nothing to do with it," she looked toward Hagrid, the gamekeeper's cabin, at the moon, at the greenhouses, at anything but him. "We've been my friend for a long time, you've seen the relationships I get involved in. I've left so many unresolved. I need to end things I couldn't find the courage to end and say the things I was to afraid to say. You are everything I wish I still was, compassionate, trusting, trustworthy. the past few weeks have been mmy safe haven, and I thank you for that, but I can't run from my past. I refuse to drag you into the mess I've made of my life. Do you get it?"
He nodded but she could see he only half understood her. "I'm really sorry, Remus," she gave him a quick hug but she had to turn and run before he saw her tears.
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Sirius stared up the staircase at Delia when he first saw her. She was stunning as usual in a floor length simple black dress. Her dark brunette hair was pulled up into an elegant knot on the back of her head and her jewelry was silver. She had long white satin gloves that went up to her elbow.
Delia smiled shyly back at him and then began to spin slowly in a circle. She smiled again when she saw his awed expression after she had turned all the way around. She had expected his reaction to the back line. It plunged to a V at the small of her back, exposing much more tanned skin than any shirt she'd ever worn. (A/N: Think Kate Hudson's yellow dress at the end of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days but without the crisscrossing pieces).
"You look amazing," Sirius commented quietly when she reached the bottom of the stairs. He raised a hand behind her back as though to guide her into the Great Hall but thought better of it and allowed his hand to fall limply back to his side.
All thoughts of depression and brewing storms and fading perfection disappeared from Delia's mind as the night grew long. It was impossible to be melancholy or even solemn in Sirius's presence. He was all courtesy and cheerfulness and attention and Delia found her self forgetting every misfortune she'd been dwelling on earlier in the day.
It was the last song of the night when Delia even noticed that they hadn't seen any of their friends since the very beginning of the ball. "Sirius," she asked, raising her head from his shoulder, "Where is everyone?"
He looked around the hall at her request and noticed that neither Remus and Serena nor James and Lily were in sight. "I don't know, perhaps off in some broom cupboard snogging," he suggested. "Separate broom cupboards, I'd warrant."
Delia chuckled lightly as they rotated slowly on the spot. "I'm sure." She closed her eyes and listened to the music for the first time that night.
I've denied too long, how I want your touch;
I've avoided too long, the feel of your skin.
How I've wanted without knowing, the feel of your arms,
About me.
I've waited my life for this night.
Suddenly, as though through a dark tunnel-like portal, Delia was mentally transported back to almost exactly a year before.
She was standing in a dark, bottle green dress, simple, not unlike the one she was wearing in the present, and she was listening to the music with a forlorn air. It was the last song and she hadn't even seen him yet, let alone danced with him. They were going home tomorrow and she hadn't danced with him.
"Would you be so kind as to grace this poor fellow with a dance," a voice she knew all too well whispered in her ear, "He's been spending all night working up the courage to ask you." Delia whipped around, grinning from ear to ear to see her best friend Robby holding out his arms as though modeling the midnight blue dress robes he was wearing.
"I would be happy to," Delia took his offered hand and started toward the dance floor but he pulled her back.
"Why should we need a dance floor?" he asked quietly, "We can dance wherever we like." He was right, the two of them had never set much store by obeying rules. They were reckless and inseparable, the Nightmare Team, their teachers had called them, a sadistic twist to the common expression, the Dream Team. It was true. There had been hardly a rule at Beauxbatons they hadn't bent in some way.
Yet they weren't a couple. Robby and Delia were thicker then thieves but neither had ever worked up the courage to ask the other on a date. Delia didn't want to ruin their perfect friendship; she would never know his reason for stalling so long.
"Breaking traditions now, as well as rules?" Delia questioned with laughter in her voice.
"Wrecking havoc," he began their mock motto, "Every step of the way," Delia finished.
"Although I don't think it'd make much of a difference to anyone here if we decided to dance upside down on the ceiling," she added.
"Do you want to?" He was always ready to do whatever she asked of him.
"No," Delia smiled at his eagerness, "Maybe someday when I'm not wearing a dress and three inch heals."
"Is that how high they are?" he looked toward her feet although he could barley see the just below her gown. "I thought you looked taller."
Delia smiled. The song ended. With regretful sighs the pair headed to the dormitories. Just before they reached the entrance to the girls dormitory Robby grabbed her elbow lightly and held her back. He led her to a little window alcove overlooking the moonlit gardens.
"Delia," he looked hard into her eyes. "I've planned a long time how to say this but all my plans flew the coop the moment I saw you so I'm making this up as I go.
"We're leaving this summer, and," he struggled for the right words. "I can't bear to be separated from you. I shudder at the thought of leaving your side. I cower at the idea of never hearing your laugh until September. I need a memory, more powerful then any other to keep me alive until I see you again."
Delia saw where he was heading and fear inspired her words, "I'll miss you too. We'll write all the time," she promised, "And I'll visit as often as I can."
"I know," Robby looked as though she hadn't reassured him even remotely although that hadn't been her intention. "But I'm determined to say this. Delia, I love you." His eyes were searching and hopeful and loving and desperate all at once, everything but demanding.
Delia realized with a start that their faces were inches from each other. She knew without a doubt that she felt strongly for him, her attachment was stronger then that to her family, but love? Her affection must have shown in her eyes because he leaned in ever so slightly and kissed her.
At once she felt the blood rushing to her lips and a dizziness filling her mind. Delia smiled against his lips, thinking of all the times she'd imagined what kissing him would be like.
But in another moment she remembered that she was kissing Robby, her constant companion and friend. The second she pulled even a millimeter away Robby backed up, obeying her every thought, let alone wish. His eyes were hurt but somehow relieved, as though he'd been proven right. Delia stood still and studied him for a moment, trying to ignore the blood and heat pulsing through every bit of her body that had touched his.
He was obviously proven right about one thing: he loved her. It was etched so clearly in his every action and expression there was no denying it. The second thing he seemed to be vindicated on was Delia's indifference. He took her fear for dislike.
"Robby, I," she stuttered with the words. Trying to frame a coherent sentence in her dazed state of mind. "Robby you're my best friend. How could you, I, we, ever," she lost her train of thought once more but he got the idea.
"I'm sorry, Delia," he stepped out of the alcove, throwing his face into shadow. "I shouldn't have," he trailed off as he stumbled further back and then turned and ran.
Shouldn't have what? Delia had to ask herself. Shouldn't have told me the truth when I couldn't? Shouldn't have kissed me like I wanted him to? She cursed herself for her fear.
"I'll find him tomorrow," Delia promised herself. There had been no doubt in her mind when he kissed her. "I'll tell him I love him too."
But she hadn't found him the next day, nor ever again. Delia felt tears in her eyes as she came back to Hogwarts in the arms of Sirius Black. She had never told him, and now she couldn't.
I've waited my life for this night,
I've waited forever for this kiss.
Delia kept her head down as she wiped her eyes, so as to keep the gesture from her date, but he noticed her sudden sadness anyways.
"Are you alright?" he asked concernedly. She felt his eyes raking the top of her head but she wouldn't look up for fear of giving herself away. She nodded and leaned against him, thinking again of Robby. She had been afraid of love, and she'd promised herself she'd never run from it again.
So what is this? She asked herself, breathing deeply Sirius's scent that reminded her ever slightly of Robby but still had it's own personality. It feels the same as last time, but different. She struggled to understand her own emotions. Only one way to find out.
"Come with me," Delia pulled away and grabbed Sirius's hand. She led him away from the other dancing couples despite the still playing music. She led him through the doors and into the Entrance Hall, up the stairs and into a deserted secret passageway.
As soon as the tapestry swung shut behind them Delia shoved Sirius against the wall and kissed him with all the passion she'd ever felt for both him and Robby.
With a start she realized that she felt just as strongly for Sirius as she ever had for Robby. She shuddered pleasantly as she opened her mouth against his and realized he was as good a kisser as his reputation had said, better. She lifted her hands up to his head and felt the silky smooth hair that was the envy of every guy who'd ever seen him.
Delia was right, just like last time, she loved him. She loved him with every fiber of her being. She loved his sideways smile and his rough, bark like laugh, his dark eyes that could switch from laughter to steady understanding in a heartbeat and the little sarcastic jokes he threw out in a perfectly normal tone, watching to see who would catch his sarcasm. She was so wrapped up in him that she couldn't keep the surprise from her face when he pulled away, when he broke the bond.
"Why are you doing this Delia?" he asked in a husky voice.
"Because I love you," she answered evenly. She refused to let denial rob her of this second chance at love.
"How can you?" he asked, "We've only know each other for a little over half a year."
"What do you call that then?" she asked, glaring slightly at his logical argument. "That was no normal kiss."
"No it wasn't," Sirius mused, "But still, only seven months, how can this be love? You can't love me."
"You remind me of someone I once loved," the words slipped from Delia's mouth before she even thought to say them.
"Aha!" Sirius was no longer confused. "You're attracted to me but you love this other man." Although his tone was victorious there was a hint of jealousy in his voice, of sadness.
"I loved this person," Delia accented the past tense.
"Who?" Sirius also asked with his heart before his mind could intervene.
"Robby Phillips," Delia hadn't said his name since she'd seen the article. "He was killed along with his family at the beginning of last summer by Death Eaters. His father worked for the French Ministry's Auror office. They tortured them for information." Delia shuddered at the memory of the morning she had read the Witching Post, France's main newspaper.
The article was cold and indifferent. Family Tortured and Killed by Rising Dark Group read the heading. The writer wrote only two paragraphs on the Phillips family, not bothering with the first names of the children. He wrote the rest about this group, the Death Eaters and their leader, some whacko that called himself Lord Voldemort.
Delia had locked herself in her room for three days without eating or drinking. She just sat at her desk and wrote down every memory she had of him down to the last detail, good and bad. She refused to forget; even if the reporter hadn't bothered to learn his name, Delia would make sure Robert William Phillips would never be forgotten.
"He was my best friend," Delia's attention turned back to Sirius, "My constant companion, the only boy I ever loved." Tears began to sting at her eyes but she ignored them. "He told me, the last time I saw him, he told me he loved me. We'd been avoiding the topic the whole year. He finally came out and said it, and I was too scared. I realized too late that I loved him too but I'd lost him. He died and it ended."
There was no need for words. The sorrow filling the dark passageway spoke for itself. Sirius hugged Delia as she allowed the tears to flow freely. Burying her face in his warm shoulder, Delia finally she cried away her fear and allowed love for both Sirius and Robby to fill the void it left.
She raised her head to look into his warm eyes, "I never even said good bye."
A/N: Wow, I'm going to go have myself my own little cry session now. That was awful. Serena/Remus was inspired by Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry. Great song. I had a lot of trouble writing the bit about Sirius and Delia, probably the most heart wrenching, and then with Deathly Hallows and whatnot I had no time to write, but I hope it was worth the wait. It's a bit longer then some of my other stuff so that should make up for it. Please, please review!